I want my husband to want me

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Jay Dee

I want my husband to want me

Jul 17, 2013

I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but we’ve been getting more and more comments from women say that they want sex more than their husbands, completely shattering the stereotype that men always want more sex. There are blogs from women in these types of marriages,

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why-doesnt-my-husband-want-to-have-sex

I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but we’ve been getting more and more comments from women say that they want sex more than their husbands, completely shattering the stereotype that men always want more sex.

There are blogs from women in these types of marriages, guest posts, threads on message boards, everywhere you see wives saying “I want my husband to want me!”, but still the popular myth is maintained: that men need/want sex more than women.  And anywhere a woman stands up and says “I like sex” or “I want sex every day” or “I want sex more than my husband”, there is someone standing up calling “unicorn” (mythical creature).  But anyone who runs a blog dealing with marriage or sex, and I’d guess anyone in that area of marriage counselling as well, has to know that these are not unicorns, and there aren’t more of them every day, they’re just becoming more vocal.

This past week I ran a survey asking some simple questions about people’s marriage and sex life, and while this post was not the reason I ran the survey, nor was I looking for answers related to this post, I did see some stats that some of you may find surprising.

Higher Sex Drive Chart

1. According to the men

3% of wives have a higher sex drive than their husband and 10% have matching drives giving 13% of wives with high sex drives.  I would suggest this number is deflated because of the social stigma attached to men who don’t want sex as much as their wives.

2. According to the women

49% of them have higher sex drives than their husbands, with an additional 20% matching their husbands, giving an astounding 69% of wives have higher drives than their husbands.  Now, I would suggest this number is inflated because it is far more likely that a high-drive woman would answer a survey about her sex life that she found on a Facebook page about sex, or a Twitter feed about sex, or a message board about sex.

So, if you add these together, I’m not sure they cancel each other out, but we probably come to a more realistic number of  22% of wives having a higher drive and an additional 14% matching their husbands.  Which leaves us with 36% of wives having high drives.

Thirty Six Percent!  That’s more than a third.  How are your stereotypes holding up?  Let’s keep going.

3. The stereotype is that wives refuse their husbands sex

Now, this data is harder to handle.  You can’t just ask people if they are refused, because some people will say they are refused while they’re having sex more than seven times a week (which by the way only 3% of respondents are, but 50% of those who are have been married 25+ years, so kudos, you’ve earned it!).  So, here is the logic I used to determine if someone is being refused:

  • If you find your sex-life unfulfilling AND
  • You are doing the initiating more than your spouse AND
  • You are having sex once a week or less

Refused Spouses

Then, you might be a refused spouse.  Now, you may agree or disagree with my criteria, but that’s what I have.  If you have a better way of determining it, please let me know.

So, turns out that husbands are being refused (according to my criteria) a lot less than would be believed by sitcoms.  According to my respondents, we’re sitting at around 22% of men are being refused by their wives.  This is nowhere near the belief we’ve been fed that sex dies after marriage.  In fact, from what I can tell, marriages in the community I am reaching are having sex on average 2-3 times a week, which seems consistent with other, more scientific, surveys.

Now, what about the women?

I mean, if the stereotype is to be believed, then there should be none, or maybe 1.  Surely not more than 1% anyways.  How about 11%?  That’s right, more than 1 in 10.  How many married couples are there in your local church?  If there are 50, chances are about 5 of those women are crying themselves to sleep at night because their husband doesn’t want to have sex with them.  I bet you’re going to have trouble paying attention to the sermon this week trying to figure out who they are.  Sort of changes your view doesn’t it?

Now, we have lots of posts out there about men being refused, about how to deal with the rejection, about how rejecting your husband for sex is an act of disrespect, and on and on it goes.  But there really isn’t that much discussion on the women who are being rejected.  What can we tell them?  They’re hearing the same arguments are excuses that the rejected men are:

  • I’m tired
  • It’s late
  • You want sex too much
  • I have a headache
  • I don’t feel well
  • Not tonight

4. Sometimes husbands are the refusers

There are husbands racing to get to bed and be asleep before their wife makes it to bed.  There are husbands staying up late at night hoping their wife will fall asleep before they get to bed.  Don’t think that there aren’t.  I’ve heard the stories from them.  And as much as men want and need respect, women want and need to feel desired, and it’s hard to feel desired when the one person you should be able to count on to desire you doesn’t have any interest in looking at you, in feeling you, in touching you, in kissing you, and avoids sex with you like it’s the plague.  My sisters in Christ who are dealing with this are hurting, they are suffering, and for the most part, they are suffering in silence, because in the words of one such wife who contacted me:

What does that say about me, that [my husband] doesn’t want to have sex with me? There must be something terribly wrong with me. Everywhere I look, every lesson on sex or article , tells me that men want and need sex. They think about it 10 times an hour. Why hasn’t anyone ever wanted me? What is wrong with me?

The shame of admitting that your husband doesn’t want sex with you can be more overwhelming than the hope that anyone can help.

And I honestly don’t know what to say to these women.  I know there are things like their husband needs to lose weight, get his testosterone levels checked, he needs to follow the same scriptures about refusal that we give to wives, but it’s harder in these cases.  Because the wives have this shame that their husband doesn’t want to be with them, and the husbands generally don’t want to acknowledge the issue, let alone deal with, because they have their own stigma.  In societies view, what kind of man would pass down sex with a wife who wants it?  I’m sure he doesn’t want people to think he’s “less of a man”.  So, the advice, the counsel, the bible verses never reach his heart, because it’s too guarded against his own pain.

5. So, why am I writing a post when I don’t have an answer?

I guess to break some of the stereotypes.  To take away some of the stigma.  So that they can feel more comfortable about seeking help, and more people will be willing to help them.

6. Your Turn

What can you do?  When you hear this stereotype, challenge it.  Tell them that you read a stat saying that 11% of women are being refused.  Challenge the belief that it’s not only men.  Share that some women want sex more than their husband.  Do it so that your sisters can get the help they need to work towards the marriage God wants for them.

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213 thoughts on “I want my husband to want me”

  1. Angela says:

    Jay-
    Last year for my 30th wedding anniversary I decided that I needed to learn what did I really know about having sex with my husband. In my research I found that there were 2 reasons most couples get divorced for . Those reasons were sex and money. Most divorces are requested by women. Most long term marriage (15 years+) run a higher risk of ending divorce. There are a lot of sexless marriages out there. I learned also that the sex drives of the couples can flip flop. I know that this to be true in my own marriage as I am now the higher drive spouse. Do Ladies take heart-there are a lot of us higher driver wives out there. Couples take note that this a conversation must be ongoing.

    1. Jay Dee says:

      Yes, we’ve seen lots of couples speak out and say that the dynamic has changed, occasionally that the husband can no longer “keep up” with his wife.

      No doubt some of them fall into a refusal pattern as well.

      Thanks for the reminder.

    2. karen says:

      I would so love to be married/have a spouse, a Christian & male-leading one.

    3. Jason says:

      I’m one of those husbands who used to have the higher sex drive. Now hers is higher than mine. One thing is interesting that she told me. She says that now she understands how emotionally painful it is to be rejected and that she wishes she would go back in time and talk to herself when her drive was lower. She said she’d tell herself to “put out” then because later she’d be the one with the higher drive hoping for the nod from me.

      1. lori says:

        Hi first time I’m talking but I’m married 19 teen years take great care of my self and take great care of my husband I get up at 400 am cook him breakfast have his lunch ready evey day I clean the house and take care of the kids he has not touched me in two years I’m so tiered of begging for his love I don’t no what to do I see other men look at me but I love him so much I don’t want to hurt him right now the way he talks to me calls all kind of name I can’t do it anymore please if anyone can help i have no friends or family I need some one to talk to

        1. Bren says:

          Hi, I’m just starting to read about low to NO sex drive in men. I have been married for 5 years, I’m 55 and my husband 65. When we first got married sex was great, I guess because of the newness of it. As of late, a couple years or so, he just isn’t interested anymore. We have a beautiful life, he is a wonderful husband and he shows me an abundance of love. Yet it still hurts me that he has no interest in sex. I want him to want me, is that so wrong? I’m sure you can relate. I realize I can take care of my own needs, but something is still missing. To feel sexually desired in human nature. We are Cristian’s and I wouldn’t think of stepping out on him, but nevertheless, my mind wonders sometimes and I get really sad. When I see the way other men look at me, I just want to cry. I long for my husband to look at me with lustful eyes. Have you had any luck as of yet? Oh, we also had some blood work done on my husband to check for low libido. Came back all ok, and that has made me feel even worse.

        2. Rhonda says:

          My husband hasn’t touched me since we got married 5 year’s ago. Since no sneaking around. And the other day he told me it’s not going to happen go have sex with someone else and get pregnant again and lose that baby too. I’ve done everything from birth control to getting surgery and nothing just keep being told to have sex with someone else. But yet when another man kissed me like I haven’t been in year’s and he found out he was going to leave me. After I found him talking to other woman and sending them pictures of what’s mine and I hardly ever see it. But he gets mad when I won’t let him hold me. I don’t want to be touched so I can cry myself to sleep because I’m so horny. I thought I was alone in this.

          1. Jay Dee says:

            I would not be considering other men, even with permission. Rather, I’d focus on my relationship with God first. Then work on the marriage.

        3. Merry says:

          Hi how’s marriage now? I am kinda of in same boat as yours but I don’t know anyone talk to either

        4. Jen says:

          I’m listening

        5. Deb says:

          Check to see if there are things you are saying or respect issues. I was in the same place for most of my 13 years of marriage until my husband started to given emotional to some one at work. We love each other very much and with much Godly guidance online counseling and much soul searching 3 months out I am already seeing so much we both have to work on. Finding each others love language and loving and respecting each other as the Bible has told us to. For me being a very sexual person I hvae had to do the things for my husband first to Christ then do them for Christ out of obedience. At times it has been a one way street but my depression , sadness, not there to back him up has maid his low sex drive his desire for me lower

      2. Amy says:

        She should probably cheat on you because she did not know better years ago. You know better but yet you still refuse? I hope she cheats and has a passionate affair.

        1. Jay Dee says:

          That’s not a solution. Advising that someone sin in response to another sin is not helpful. Instead, Jason should probably work towards no longer saying “no”…that would be a biblical response, as per 1 Cor 7:5.

    4. jim says:

      what’s great about the human experience is that God is fair. in the beginning, when men are young and horny, it’s harder for them to get sex because all the woman wants is security and her babies and once she gets them, the man is forgotten. he’s left to sort of fend for himself sexually. which, if he’s the good man he’s EXPECTED to be…means that he doesn’t cheat. now that the couple is older, God flips the sexual needs and it’s the wife who needs more sex. this serves two purposes. to let her know what a bitch she was for not giving it to her husband when he needed it, but also it’s the bodies last-ditch effort to have children before menopause. but now you see that sex starved wives will just throw her husband out and find an even less worthy man, so long as he gives her the sex she wants. it doesn’t matter to her that she put her husband through the same exact thing and he was expected to soldier on. she will just toss him out and take the house and kids and his child support payments. i think marriage as in institution is foolish… not because God is foolish for creating it. it only brings misery in the end because women are so selfish. perhaps in a couple of generations when millions of women become old maids and figure out they need to change and be good, marriage might be a good prospect for men again. women are incredibly short-sighted and stupid. they often times don’t want to have sex, but still WANT their husbands to desire them. to know- in essence- that their husband’s sexual availability is always present for whenever THEY feel they want it. and it also boosts their ego to know that their husband still has sexual feelings for them, even if they aren’t being satisfied. this builds a LOT of resentment in men, who for years will go without being fulfilled, suddenly find it amusing when the shoe is on the other foot, and they no longer care for sex with their wife who now needs it constantly, but has grown fat and ugly (at least compared to her own looks in youth) the husband feels no obligation at this point to suffer his now sexually unappealing wife.

      1. Rob says:

        Someone needs to delete Jim’s obviously hateful response towards women garnered through his spiteful heart. That hardly encourages any woman to talk about her struggles as it creates a very hateful environment. His words are dripping with hate.

        1. Jay Dee says:

          No, someone needs to address his comment.

        2. Merry says:

          Totally agreed

      2. Jay Dee says:

        I think you’re taking your own struggles and projecting them onto everyone’s situation. Most of the women here are not in the scenario you are describing.

        I know you’re hurting, but attacking someone else who is also hurting will not solve your issues.

      3. Anon says:

        Not true I’m 24 and very attractive and a newly wed. My husbands sex drive is little to none. I want sex everyday. Your comments are not accurate. And rude.

      4. Tom says:

        Jim, excellent reply you gave. I can so relate. My wife in the beginning was sexually satisfying, but then slowly went into a downward spiral so that sex was for her, for special occasions like our wedding anniversary or for reproductive purposes (her words). She did whatever she could to discourage me, whether it be behaving lifeless in bed, or not bathing properly, she did what she could to the point that I stopped wanting and having sex with her. It wasn’t easy as for me I had a strong sex driver, but I used my mind to overrule my body and gave her what she wanted. Created much resentment in me and in the end she became my ex-wife. Whether she regrets her actions or even acknowledges her actions contributed to our divorce, I don’t know, nor do I care. She stuck to her guns, she never backed down and gave in, and I commend her for her staying true to her values. Her stubbornness gave her what she wanted.

        1. Jay Dee says:

          It’s a shame you decided to stop loving her. I wonder if that contributed to her bad behaviour regarding sex. I find women often withdraw sexually because there is a lack of intimacy in other areas of the marriage. Especially if they were engaged before.

          1. Brock says:

            What bs.. she stopped loving him from the description, stopping all intimacy because she got bored of it and didn’t care how her husband felt, which is typical. And yet you blame it on the man when most women seem to do this.

            1. Jay Dee says:

              No, I didn’t blame it on the man, I said I wonder if it contributed, not caused. My point was, regardless of how she’s behaving, we have to be held accountable for our own actions. Like with my kids, if one hits the other, that’s unacceptable, it doesn’t matter that the first was teasing the second, the behaviour of hitting isn’t okay. The teasing isn’t either acceptable either, but when I’m talking to the one who hit, the teasing isn’t an issue.

              I wasn’t talking to the wife, I only had access to the husband, so I’m going to focus on what he could have done better in the hopes that a second marriage might not end the same way.

      5. Emily says:

        I guess that’s your experience. I was not that way as a wife until I found porn replaced me as a newlywed. I was 18 years old. That pretty much ruined me. I still fulfilled my duties but it wasn’t the same. I’m remarried now but my husband isn’t interested because I assume age and stress. It seems a woman can’t win. I’m plenty attractive and not overweight. I even had plastic surgery after nursing and having kids. You men are just over stimulated with the Internet.

        1. Jay Dee says:

          I assume age and stress

          You assume? Sounds like you need to have a conversation about that!

    5. Helen Schirmet says:

      From much articles I have read, they seem to plead for women to understand
      and not foresake a man for using or being addicted to porn. The damage from porn is much more than making women feel unattractive, undesired, and insufficient. For starters, many men start having chronic inability to get and sustain an erection. They require looking at OTHER women to get aroused, even if the wife keeps herself attractive looking! Women need to feel they are sufficiently feminine to satisfy his desires. Men certainly need to feel they are sufficiently masculine to satisfy a womrn too. Men actually reduce their strong essence of masculinity in the eyes of women and women lose their respect toward the man. They begin to perceive the man
      as a stupid selfish weakling, with no self control. They no longer admire them as a man. Simply put, porn is not only a buzz killer of a man’s sexual desire for a mate, but also kills her desire and respect for him as a man. I don’t think men understand that porn use will cause this much damage. In today’s age, no women should tolerate it. If it starts at a young age, it needs to be admitted and the addiction ceased before marriage even occurs. If a man intends to continue it, he should remain single. It was a death sentence for my marriage and many others too. I think most addicts keep at it and end up alone. I doubt very many men are willing to understand and give it up permanently.
      It is insidious.

      .

      1. Kevin Grant says:

        I think you’re right to point the finger at porn, though I’m sure its not the only factor. I fear for the coming generation, when their interaction with people of the opposite gender is fueled by ugly violent porn, freely available in vast quantities and from an early age. I’m an addict. I was exposed to it at the age of 11, and I think I was addicted to it immediately. It’s so hard to fight. I wish the Bible gave us instructions to obtain more power to walk free of it. (My wife knows and understands.)

        Back to the wider topic: I have a theory. They say men reach their sexual peak at around 19, for women, it’s in their early 30s. So my theory says that the man’s sex drive fuels the couple’s sex life for the first ten years of marriage. Then the wife’s sex drive kicks in and keeps them going for the next ten years. When that subsides, the couple have been married for twenty years, they have built a strong relationship, and sex is not needed to keep them together, so it wanes.

        This is a good theory for me, but truthfully, I have gotten old and fat and very unfit, and proper sex is no longer possible. I know my wife still wants sex, but she settles for what we are still able to do (achieve orgasm without penetration). (She is aging also and considerably overweight.)

        1. Kevin Grant says:

          I also think couples are getting married way too late. The Bible talks about “the wife of your youth”, and says that if a man burns, he should marry. Well, men burn at 18-19, and this should be taken care of, not by masturbation, not by looking at porn, but by having a real sexual relationship with a woman. Starting your real sex life (with a human partner) in your 30’s is simply too late, and what the man’s been doing since he was a teenager to cope with no real sex makes him very unprepared for real life with a wife. His “sexual identity” may well be perverted by then.

  2. LatterDay Marriage says:

    I don’t relate to men who neglect their wives. I’ve done all I can to try and make sure she never has reason to doubt that I find her beautiful, sexy, attractive, and that I love her. I’ve done the stay up late to watch TV thing so she will be asleep when I got to bed, but that was back when she frequently refused me and it was a case of ‘If I don’t ask then I won’t be rejected, and if she is asleep when I go to bed it won’t be as big a struggle for me’. I didn’t do it all the time just nights I knew she wouldn’t and it would be hard to be in bed with her awake. She did not feel deprived, she really would have said no and she knew all she had to do if she actually did want it was drop a hint and I was there, or wait a day or two and hope would beat out fear and I’d ask.

    It might be a lack of knowledge, the assumption that their wife doesn’t want/need sex more than they do because they are a woman, it might be a lack of empathy for the pain they feel. It might be that porn has altered their sexual responses to the point where they no longer see their wife in a sexual way or feel desire for them. It might be that low T or sexual dysfunction makes him fear having sex and exposing his problem. So I don’t think there is a one size fits all answer.

    I don’t think overt seduction methods are usually the solution, or thumping their head with the Bible (not saying scripture shouldn’t be used, but don’t use it like a club). I think perhaps trying to appeal to their husbands instinct to protect his wife and keep her from harm, his desire to be her hero, are the buttons that should be pressed. ‘I need your help’ has more power than ‘I want/need you to…’.

    1. Jay Dee says:

      That’s certainly something to try (appeal for protection), but in many cases, these wives have tried everything, they can, but it’s too hard for them, or their husbands, to take the next step and get outside help (therapy, counselling, etc.)

      I’m hoping by opening this discussion and making it more public and well know, we can remove the shame and social stigma attached to these situations so that both spouses can get the help they need to grow together.

      1. MzAJ says:

        I am a refused wife. We have been married just over 2 years and have not been intimate since June. Our first year of marriage it was a total of 6 times. I have tried talking to him, I’ve written letters, suggested outside help, tried to initiate (never will I do again, felt so completely humiliated when he turned me down the first and second time I tried). I never once tried to belittle him for it. I always approach the situation with love. I’ve been told it’s not me it’s him,Ive been laughed off, I’ve been told I willdo better, and I’ve been told that he may need to see a doctor. All of theses things he said but no follow through on any of them. I pray about this but it’s hard waiting for the answers. We’ve bee on several little getaways and he never attempts to be romantic. It’s hard not to think that he isn’t attracted to me. I keep myself together cause that’s just who I am. I am 41 and he is 34. People tell me often how they can’t believe I’m 40+. When we met he didn’t think I was older than him. He says he is still attracted to me but his actions don’t show it. He barely kisses me. I get the routine peck on the lips when we leave to go to work. If I ask for more than that it’s like I asked for the world. I’m get so angry sometimes and don’t know what to do. I’m so frustrated, hurt, sad, and lonely. It’s like we are friends and nothing more. When we were dating this was never an issue. He was so affectionate and I always felt wanted. Something changed drastically and I don’t have a clue. I don’t want to give upon us, I’mat a loss.

        1. Anonymous says:

          I think you are living my life. Been married 7 years together 10 and it has all crashed. Claims he went to doctor been waiting on blood work for two weeks

        2. Deborah says:

          My heart hurts reading your post because I know all too well how you are feeling. The pain, the perplexity…..the hurt that turns to anger though it is not our intention to become angry. I have had much of the same experience. I have been married for a little over 2 years to a man that I love very much, who tells me frequently that he loves me. When we began dating, we couldn’t keep our hands off of each other. In fact, it was a negative issue through out of entire dating relationship, right up until the moment we said “I do”. Despite the obvious struggle that it caused, I loved being so desired by my husband (then boyfriend). It made me feel like I was something worth having….like he was a lucky man to have me…..like I was a girl that other men would kill to have ( ya know….’a girl who wants to? as much as I want to? jackpot!’). It made me feel feminine and seductive…..then we got married. The honeymoon was pleasant. I thought it was the beginning of a n intimate sex life with my husband. In actuality it was more of an end to our mutual passion for eachother for as soon as we returned home I was met with constant rejection with no explanations or reassurances. However I knew that shutting down out of fear of being hurt was not the way. I was determined to continue to initiate sex, remaining vulnerable. I am no longer convinced that this was wisdom…. I don’t know what to think about that anymore. My “high sex drive” used to be something that made me feel uniquely desirable…..now it’s hard not to feel like something must be wrong with me. It has turned into a source of shame instead of pride (the good kind). I too sit at a loss. It is so difficult to speak to him about this issue because no matter how I word it, all he seems to hear is me listing his failures. I would ask the male readers if they have any insight into a “safe” way for me to broach the subject with my husband.

          1. anonymous says:

            I left my husband because he refused me. he refused me so many times that I could no longer live with myself approving rejection.I tried everything to make him happy but he always had an excuse from I’m tired to I have heartburn. whatever excuse you can think of I have heard of it drives me insane

            1. Persesus says:

              My heart just sank when I read your story. To me sad but I wanted to know the follow up. What’s happening with your sex lite now? Did your husband come around and save his marriage.

          2. Kelly says:

            Deborah, I am in the same boat. WE didn’t even have a honeymoon or honeymoon phase. Could barely get him to bed the night we got married. It’s been downhill ever since. Looking back, I think I did most of the initiating and the complaining that we needed a real sex life. I finally quit initiating and guess what? I got zero. We’ve not had sex in 4 years. I bring it up a lot, it gets me nowhere. It is so hurtful, embarrassing. I feel resentful, angry, so many things. I feel I almost hate him for it. To me it’s pathetic. I don’t even know if I have a sex drive any longer. I’ve learned to ignore it. I’m very emotionally drained from this marriage and I want to leave, just not sure how anymore. Been together for 10 yrs, I’m embarrassed to even admit that. Each year, I don’t want to celebrate our anniversary, I feel it’s a joke, I feel so phony to celebrate it. I never thought my life would be like this. I am very alone and I feel he does not care, he is not willing to do anything that is difficult for him, like facing this. He doesn’t shower, I have to tell him to, we live in separate bedrooms.
            I feel we can never have it back. I feel very hopeless and feel we need a divorce.

            1. tessa says:

              Kelly ~ I know how you feel and I’m so sorry. I’ve been living in a sexless marriage for 23 years. I was a “good girl” and waited for marriage to have sex and we didn’t even consummate for 7 years. After that, we discovered we couldn’t have kids. So it’s a sexless, childless marriage for me. I’ve had my seasons where I’ve contemplated suicide but, obviously, I’m still here. It’s a pretty empty existence, though. The hard thing is to see other men looking at me — women notice these things — when my own husband doesn’t. I don’t see myself ever divorcing him, though, because in other respects, he’s a decent companion, easy to get along with, and I don’t want to be alone. I’m weary of discussing it with him, so I don’t anymore. God will either move in the situation or he won’t. If it stays the same, I’ve grown used to it, in a way. When you’re denied so much of what makes a life “a life” by most people’s standards — a sex life, children — you learn how to lower your expectations to nearly zero. I don’t like celebrating our anniversary either, so I know what you mean on that score. He’s a friend. A good friend, I suppose, but I have no idea what it means to have a “lover.” None at all. I followed all the Christian “rules” regarding sex before marriage but it didn’t protect me from profound extended trauma, grief, and isolation in the areas of sex and reproduction. Sorry this isn’t more upbeat, but I just wanted to tell you I know how you feel.

              1. Linda says:

                Married 47 years. Husband touched me rarely after the 7th year and then the last 13 years he never came near me. I have finally decided (and told my husband) we will not longer celebrate an anniversary because it is a joke after all. We didn’t really have an intimate or even a close life for many, many years so the anniversary date means nothing. Too old now to do anything. At 68 I can’t live on my own anymore or work. So this is how it will be. If you have an opportunity to get out, take it. Your new relationship may only last 10 years but that is 10 years more than in your current siuation. Then you can move on again if you need to. A loveless, sexless marriage is NOT a marriage

            2. Unhappy wife says:

              I’m the same way…we have been married for 12 years and we had sex 5x in the first couple of months of our marriage…I didn’t know at the beginning what’s wrong, then I found out about the addiction to pornography…he got sick later and started taking medications what effected his libido. The addiction stopped mostly because he lost his sex drive and became impotent…so again, now that our marriage is better and we could work on our intimacy issues, I still don’t get sex..it’s been 12 years! I think sometimes I’m going crazy for putting up with this…but he is a loving husband otherwise. It feels like we are good friends sharing the same bed and no more. He doesn’t really care that I missed out a lot because of him…I feel cheated out of my happiness in so many ways.

          3. Anonymous says:

            Your story is a blue print of mine. It all happened the same way. There were no issues concerning desire prior to marriage. Then about 2 weeks in, I was told ” I don’t see you in a sexual way”.
            I find it very difficult to live/sleep with a man whom I find extremely attractive and am constantly rejected by. I feel it would have been fair if he had discussed his lack of desire for me prior to the marriage. I actually told him before hand of my high drive, so he had the opportunity to be open at the time.?.

            1. Tyche says:

              I can also relate. I am smitten with my husband, we’ve only been married a little over a year and experienced the same thing on the night we got married, I am completely attracted to him, physically, and emotionally and he has no desire for me anymore. He says he does but by his actions he doesn’t. It’s like pulling teeth to get him to want to have sex with me and it only happens on his watch. I think if he had it his way he’d be ok with never having it at all, I tell him that all the time too. I am so sad and depressed and feel unattractive and unloved by this.

            2. Anonymous says:

              I think you great gals should seek a divorce. I’m a pastors wife & you can KNOW he’s not being faithful to you. Even if it’s an image in his mind it is adultery. Feel free to be free from the anxiety. God does care about our holiness more than our happiness but adultery allows for the break of vows. Get on with life & love someone & be loved in return. Do not be embarrassed at all to act on truth. Satan loves truth to stay in the dark.

              1. Jay Dee says:

                1) Why lead with the fact that your a pastor’s wife. That gives you absolutely no more authority than anyone else.
                2) You counsel for divorce based on a few sentences?
                3) You make assumptions about adultery, when they said nothing of the sort, and then base your advice on your assumptions.

                How’s that for acting on truth? Comments like yours make me want to re-examine my moderation policies…

          4. Basro says:

            I am sorry for the emotional torment you must be going through. I too am in a marriage wherein our sex drives are not compatible and am surrendering my drives and emotions to the Lord.

            After the realization I cannot change my wife despite multiple attempts at discussions, counseling, romantic date nights, date weekends, bedroom toy purchases, sexy and loving texts before any attempts.

            I try not to focus on how duped I felt by her multiple overtures at having sex before we were married which I repeatedly and lovingly denied except for two incidents. Now unfortunately occasional masturbation is my only out, yet I realize this is not healthy for me spiritually, emotionally, relationally with my wife.

          5. Anonymous says:

            It seems to me that young girls and women have been socialized to suppress their sexuality making it difficult to talk about it. Women have been raised to be good girls and don’t want to be thought of as a slut making it hard to express their REAL sexual desires. Just tell him that you need sex from him. If he does not do any thing about that, I would think there is something wrong with your relationship. Find out if ther are any unresolved pain that he may feel towatds you. See if he is punishing you by rejecting you sexually. Many time women do not know how to say how they feel in way that makes sense to men. Do not beg for sex you will only diminish your self esteem. PLainly state your desires and what you want and need from him.

        3. MSW says:

          I am experiencing almost word for word what you’ve described. I often feel humiliated, sad, hurt, devastated. You are not alone. We have been married for almost 4 years. When we were dating, he was so affectionate and loving. It’s not just the intimacy that’s changed, but his sweet, kind words, his loving nature, and the silly, quirky fun we always had no matter where we were or what we were doing. I feel like not only have I lost my husband, but my best friend, as well. I feel hopeless. I can’t cry anymore. There are no tears left. I just pray. I pray every day for God to bring my husband back to me. We don’t fight, we get along great. Of course we have the occasional disagreement or spat, but that is all that it is…. I can count on one hand how many times we’ve ever really argued that amounted to anything… I don’t know what I am doing wrong. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I treat him like he walks on water, I am faithful, I adore him. My reason for writing this is just to let you know that you are not experiencing this pain alone. My heart goes out to you as I know exactly how you feel.

        4. Anonymous says:

          I feel like I just read my own jornal while reading your post. My husband & I have only been married since summer 2014 and we average 2 times per month, and that’s only because I begged for it. I need help, he will not acknowledge that there is a pproblem. I cry myself to ssleep almost every night & I feel so neglected and rejected and undesired and unwanted. I’m 45 not 80! And I don’t look my age either, plus I’m fit and healthy. What do I do; where do I turn? I told him the Bible says do not deny each other of sex…his reply was the Bible also says you have to submit to me so stop riding my back!

          1. Butterflywings says:

            Sadly I totally understand. Twice a month would be a good month for use these days. We’ve had sex once this year so far. He doesn’t go with the submission rubbish – my husband honestly believes that once a month is sufficient sex. He claims he isn’t denying me. I wonder if your husband thinks the same? Not that it makes it easier though. *hugs*

        5. Anonymous says:

          Same situation with me. I’ve ask him is something wrong with me. Do unit find me attractive. Am I no good. What is the reason? He never holds me tells me he loves me touches me and when I touch him he pulls away or shrugs me off. We been married 3years and can count on my fingers the times we had sex and still have fingers left over that’s so hurtful .I feel like im just being used to take care of his two young children. And that’s all he wants me for.

        6. fulfilldwifey says:

          I feel for you because i can imagine u must feel so rejected and ling for that intimacy. There is a major issue in your marriage. May i ask if you have put on a lot of weight Or have you stopped makibg yourself attractive for your husband? If its not either of those two things then i have to sadly assume that he’s cheating either emotionally or perhaps sexually and emtionally on you. Or he could possibly be homosexual. Hope you figure it out soon or find someone who can fulfill you in every way.

          1. Jay Dee says:

            This is exactly the kind of stereotype I was trying to get rid of when I wrote this post…

            1. Anonymous says:

              Please do not take my comme the wrong way. I’m sorry but I feel it’s not only a stereotype it’s a very real possibility. I’m not in anyway blaming you or anyone else in that situation and I truly feel for you because I know how awful it must be. I don’t know if I could live in a marriage as such. I was asking the question because many times women keep themselves well put together while dating but soon after marriage and children lets themselves go. I don’t think it’s fair for men or women to do that. If I married a nice looking, well put together man then I would find it selfish for him to gain a bunch of weight and completely change shortly after marriage and many times this can cause a man to have a wondering eye. Someone else made the comment that if you love someone then you are attracted them. I have to disagree. There is a difference in loving someone and being sexually attracted to them. Even if you were at one time. This is a little off topic but referring back to how a husband could do this; he could very well be addicted to porn as well. I just don’t see this being normal for a well bodied adult man.

              1. Jay Dee says:

                I’m not arguing that its possible, just that those are the only possibilities.

          2. lonleywife=( says:

            I think that’s unfair to ask if theyve put on weight or stopped looking their best my husband compliments me cuddles me and tells me im sexy all the time but sex.doesn’t seem to be an option i have gained weight but this began before i gained weight

          3. tessa says:

            Oh, for God’s sake. Are you serious? It takes a lot of nerve to come on to this thread calling yourself “fulfilld wifey” while slinging your uninformed and unwanted advice to other women like me who are grieving, deeply *grieving*, in this area. It’s nice that you’re “fulfilld,” but perhaps your fulfillment makes you unable to really understand the complexity and nuances of this traumatic issue. If you saw a picture of me, you’d know it’s not about weight or being unattractive. By the world’s standards, I’m considered “beautiful,” so ….. can I please ask on behalf of myself and the other hurting women here that you educate yourself on this issue before weighing in? If you’re unwilling to do so, another option is silence. Speaking in ignorance only causes more pain for already hurting people.

          4. Butterflywings says:

            fulfilldwife, what you don’t realise is beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I lost weight after marriage, got more toned, better looking etc, didn’t stop my husband from rejecting me.

            But the reality is, beauty is subjective. During my first marriage, I thought my (first) husband was incredibly good looking. I thought he was one of the hottest guys ever. During the time we were together he varied from being drastically underweight, to quite overweight, to being normal weight. He dyed his hair different colours, then started going grey. While I noticed changes, I still thought he was extremely good looking and that never changed. Now I look back at photos of him and I can see why my friends said he was butt ugly.

            When he had black hair, he looked like he’d escaped some death cult. In all the pictures he looks like the stoned junkie he was. When he’s underweight and overweight, he looks even more ugly.

            But I never noticed because I loved him.

            When you love someone, you are attracted to them no matter what they look like. If a spouse gains weight, it’s normal to notice but it’s not normal to lose attraction and desire. If someone does lose attraction, then there is an underlying issue.

            1. Alicia says:

              If your previous spouse is alive and you are with a different man that’s adultery!
              Romans 7:2-3!
              Praise Yahshua for truth!

              1. Jay Dee says:

                Well, if you want to be technical, then her having sex with her new husband classifies as sexual immorality then and then the other marriage can be divorced for just cause…so it’s no longer adultery…

                Don’t me wrong, I’m not on the side of divorce, but sometimes we need to be practical. You cannot destroy another marriage in the hopes of reuniting one that has long since passed. There’s a vast different between advising someone not to remarry and telling someone who has already remarried that they shouldn’t be. That’s not helpful, productive or edifying.

        7. cyndi says:

          You’re not the only one so don’t feel bad this has happened to me at 24 years old. I probably get it once a month and keep myself occupied by doing other things. It really bites when I can’t get any action in the bedroom. He’s only 27 I really don’t get it. I confronted him and everything is always in his terms only when he wants it. It really isn’t fair.

          1. Ally says:

            Wooooooow my husband and I are the same age and im in the same situation.. I dont know if its because were recently married and Im 31 weeks pregnant but, i feel like he doesnt desire me =[

        8. Danielle says:

          I have a similar problem. My husband has not touched me in the longest time maybe a year. I have forced myself on him , written letters, made request for love including hand holding or hugs, and he doesn’t want me. I’m 44 and attractive. I cry almost every night because the “loss” of my husband hurts me over and over. I have moved out of our bedroom into a small room in the house. I want love and affection but I can’t undo some of the things that have caused this. I went back to work about 5 years ago because of financial reasons

        9. Anonymous says:

          That is EXAVTLY how I feel and the same exact situation I’m having with my husband. It’s hard not to cry myself to sleep most nights.

        10. Anonymous says:

          I’ve been there . Believe me it’s porn, always well hidden.

          1. Jay Dee says:

            I’m sorry you’ve been there, but it’s not always porn. It’s often porn, but it could also be low-testosterone, anxiety or depression.

          2. Butterflywings says:

            Anonymous, it’s not always porn. There are many reasons. For my husband, it’s extremely low testosterone and a computer game addiction. Unfortunately he doesn’t see lack of sex as a problem so won’t do anything about either cause.

        11. Charity says:

          I have the exact same situation and I cry just thinking about it. My husband and I had sex almost every day before we got married and he was so loving. He said he’s always had a high sex drive but he hurt his back the week b4 our wedding and now he’s a lot better but still comes up with excuses and I feel unwanted and used. I clean, cook, work, do laundry and we’re only in our 1st month of marraige with 2 times under our belt with several endeavors from me that satisfied him. I am 42 and he’s 36. So if you figure it out, let me know!!!

        12. Anonymous says:

          I am in the same situation. I have never felt so humilitaed, unattractive or sad.

          1. Anonymous says:

            I feel you

        13. Kristen says:

          I know exactly how you feel. It’s like I’m reading what’s happening to me. My husband and I have been together for 18 years, married for 13. He was so affectionate and caring in the beginning. But for the past several years he doesn’t pay much attention to me.,barely kisses me except for the quick peck before going to bed or going to work. He was the one with the high sex drive but now that’s me and I feel like he doesn’t want me. I’m at a loss and don’t know what to do. I’m so frustrated because I have started doubting myself and thinking that he’s not happy with me anymore and is going to want a divorce. I’m always in a state of worry about what’s going to happen.

          1. Brock says:

            And i’m guessing for the first 18 years it was you that denied him and thought he was just supposed to soldier on regardless of his feelings, eh?
            And now that you have needs it’s supposed to be an emergency?

            1. Jay Dee says:

              Sounds like you’re projecting. Don’t assume that everyone else’s marriage has the same dynamic as yours.

        14. Ida says:

          Hi I am Ida ,

          I read carefully your story and really touching me. I’m experiencing the same thing with you now.. The different thing is I am 15 years younger than him.. Every times we talk about sex, we always fight.. Yes it’s frustrating me, I want more but he does. Distracted me of course.

          Thank you.

  3. Submissive Wife says:

    Maybe men in general have been dominated by their wives so much that it’s driving the desire right out of them. I believe we are designed for men to be dominant and women to be submissive to their husbands.

    For decades now our society has catapulted women into equality with their husbands and, often, the breadwinners, and with that comes head-strong women used to being in charge, doing things their way and getting what they want.

    We (women) are used to being in control. I am one of those women, and I undermined my husband by being dominating in every decision in our marriage, work and family- for over 15 years.

    A few months ago I realized I had this deep yearning to be led by my husband. To give him full authority over his home, his wife and our family. Frankly, it’s been a relief to me to relinquish that burden. And, it has uplifted him and really just breathed new life in our relationship. He feels supported, encouraged and trusted in a way that he hasn’t before. Not that I was abusive- I clearly was not. However, I was dominant, authoritative and did take control and push to get things done- often to the detriment of our family or when he’d rather take a slower, different approach.

    I find that we are talking much more deeply, I no longer complain, we work together towards goals, and I no longer interfere with the discipline of our children. Our home is suddenly more peaceful, we feel in sync. I am a better Mom.

    When I decided I really wanted to become submissive, I had a long discussion with my husband about it and explained why, what it meant to me and what it could do for our family.

    The sex since this change has been phenomenal. Holding him up as the dominant leader and seeing him embrace it is super-sexy.

    Maybe the wives who want more should consider giving him want he needs- to be the leader of his home and family.

    1. Jay Dee says:

      Yeah, I think there is a strong correlation between who leads the household and how much sex is being had in that household, and my survey suggested the same: Husband-led households have sex twice as often and wife-led households according to the respondents.

      Now, I will not say that this is always caused by dominant women. But it does happen:

      • With the exception of sex, as the more inhibited and more conservative person in the relationship, her preferences and inhibitions take the lead, and I have no control. We operate as equal but different complimentarian
      • Not a putdown – but I’m easygoing, my wife is strong-willed but mostly polite and flexible about it.
      • I am not so sure about this – but wife definitely controls the marriage bed.
      • It has always been wife leads, but have been in the process of changing it. So I in the past year it’s more of what I marked.
      • She would say I am in control but that’s only true as I decide the way she wants.

      Many that I’ve had exchanges with, or read their experiences say that they would love to have their husband lead, but he won’t.

      And in the survey, some of the comments I got were:

      • Husband is in control, but he is sure NOT a leader.
      • Pushing to have husband become the head of home. Tough since he was constantly treated as a child by mother and sister
      • he won’t lead even when i try to step back
      • Wanting DH to take more lead in important issues.

      And even when the husband is in the lead, he’s not always leading well:

      • I am very passive and sometimes feel like I don’t have a voice.
      • We believe in the husband being the head, but I pretty much do and control everything in the house because he delegated all that to me. He has the final say in the house and tends to take liberties that I cannot being the mom, such as hanging out with the guys for hours whereas I rarely leave home alone for a bit of respite.

      But yes, there have been quite a few wives who have said that both their sex life and the rest of their marriage got better as soon as their husbands took on a leadership role.

      1. Robyn Gibson says:

        I’m in that group too. I had been in a ‘head’ mind-set of submission – not really wanting to be there. Over the years our sex life dwindled, with my hubby eventually reaching the point of not desiring sex (me) at all. He knew it wasn’t true submission; you guys can just tell. But when God got a hold of and straightened me out – EVERYTHING changed!

      2. JustMe says:

        JayDee, I have come back to address your response above to Submissive Wife. Something about it was bothering me all night, and after prayer I think I have figured out what. I would respectfully ask you not to conflate the issues of sexual frequency/headship/submission and male refusal or low desire. They are two separate issues. I think that putting that data in your comment on this post (where you have ended asking what can be done about male refusal/lack of desire) is muddying the waters.

        Go back and look into your data. I would speculate that in most of the relationships where the woman was in control and the frequency was low A. the husband has the higher drive B. The wife is not submissive. C. they report lower sexual frequency.

        In that dynamic, the unsubmissive wife is the one doing the sexual refusal (thereby lowering frequency), not the husband. You need to take out all data that fits that pattern, before you can make any conclusions about whether or not lack of submission leads to male refusal or low male desire.

        There is a difference between a man who eventually stops pursuing his wife because she has resisted him and said no to sex over the years, and a man who repeatedly says no to his wife over the years when she asks for sex. Both could theoretically be considered low desire based on sexual initiation and frequency data alone.

        With the first type of man, it is not surprising that a wife being more submissive in general might result in increased sexual frequency. The desire is there, it has just gone dormant after years of neglect. She starts saying yes, so he starts asking more and voila problem fixed! Increased frequency!

        With the second type of man, the desire is not there and may never have been there. A wife submitting to her husband’s wishes in that case will just result in lowered sexual frequency, as he does not wish to have sex.

        1. Jay Dee says:

          OK, I had to read your comment twice to make sure, but it sounds to me like you are agreeing with me, so perhaps I was unclear.

          I was saying that it seems to happen that it is tied to headship/submission, but it’s certainly not the all the time. There are plenty of cases where headship/submission have absolutely nothing to do with the low drive of the husband or the frequency.

          But, your criteria is flawed I believe. You basically just asked me to measure how many men are low-drive (the other criteria cancelled out), which I pointed out in the post and even added a chart on.

          I apologize if the comment was ambiguous. Thank you for giving me a chance to clarify.

          1. JustMe says:

            What I am asking you not to do is look at the issue of male refusal and try to tie it somehow to a correlation between frequency and headship/submission in a marriage. To me, that is a separate issue. I am challenging your assertion that the husband’s natural drive is tied to headship/submission behavior in his wife. Note that I said “natural drive”. Being treated badly by an overbearing, controlling, and unloving spouse is likely to eventually lower desire in both genders.

            Submissive Wife made remarks that men have been dominated so much that it is driving the desire out of them. She makes the suggestion at the end of her comment that wives who want sex more than their husbands need to be more submissive and let him be the leader more if they are wanting more sex.

            This is another example of the taboo and shameful nature of this. If my husband doesn’t want to have sex with me as much as I want to with him, it is because of something that is lacking in me, in this case my lack of submission. Submit more and he will want more sex. That may work for some, but I believe that would only be the case in relationships where the man already had the higher drive than the woman and was encouraged to pursue her.

            That sort of outlook by other women does not make me want to bring my husband’s refusals up at all, because that sort of “advice” is based on the flawed stereotype that all married men want sex all the time and those who don’t must have a wife who has turned them off somehow, either through her looks or behavior. It’s right up there with “get into shape” or “buy and wear some sexy lingerie for him and he will want to have sex with you. ” I tried both, neither worked. Neither did submitting gracefully to his wishes in all things, all that did was lower our already low sexual frequency and make me feel like a complete doormat. Refusers at the core are selfish and will gladly trample over anyone who submits to their wishes.

            To her, you responded:

            “Yeah, I think there is a strong correlation between who leads the household and how much sex is being had in that household, and my survey suggested the same: Husband-led households have sex twice as often than wife-led households according to the respondents. Now, I will not say that this is always caused by dominant women. But it does happen”

            The context in which you presented your survey results would seem to show that you believe the more domineering the wife, the less sex in a marriage. So, a wife who wants more sex should be less domineering and they will get more sex, right? WRONG.

            Correlation does not imply causation. That is what I mean when I say that introducing a correlation between headship and frequency into this discussion of lower MALE desire and refusal is just confusing the issue.

            You then go on to quote some of your respondents, most of which I would guess are higher drive men who are gatekept/refused by their dominant wives, so that is not actually the women that she is talking about (she is saying women who want more sex than their husbands need to submit more, and women refusers do not fall into that category). Correct me if I’m wrong, and the quotes you put there are from the 3% of men in your survey that say they have a lower drive than their wife.

            I am not trying to attack you, but I am just extremely saddened by the attempt to explain away low male desire and male refusal as being caused by lack of submission from wives.

            1. Jay Dee says:

              Yes, I agree. That’s what I meant by:

              “Now, I will not say that this is always caused by dominant women. But it does happen.”

              By that, I meant (but apparently was not clear enough) that while there are quite a few cases like this, it does not follow through that it is always the case.

              As you said, correlation does not imply causation. I never meant to imply causation by anything I said.

              I thought the entire thrust of the post was clear and I didn’t think it was necessary to expound again on the same topic on the same page, but I see I was wrong.

              You are correct, those responses are from high-drive spouses, I never meant anyone to infer otherwise.

              So, let me try this again and be perfectly clear (I hope):

              There are marriages (more than we think or know) where the husband (being male) does not want sex more than the wife (being female). His sex drive (libido) is less than hers, and instead of dealing with it, confronting the issue, or attempting to please his wife, he instead avoids sex, puts down offers/requests for sex and even insults his wife in order to push her away.

              In many cases there is absolutely nothing the wife has done to deserve, warrant, cause or otherwise bring this action/attitude to be in her husband, and there often little she can do, or say, or change, or otherwise affect this behavior.

              Don’t worry, I do not feel attacked, merely frustrated by my inability to communicate what I am thinking. I set out to bring something to light to help my sisters-in-Christ in their marriages, and, apparently, I have only succeeded in insulting one of the very people I was trying to help.

              1. ButterflyWings says:

                In reply to submissive wife, while I totally understand that men who feel castrated by their wives dominance are likely to not desire sex, sadly your comments are exactly why the average christian women with a low drive husband doesn’t bring up the issue. Because they end up with accusations of “oh the problem must be you aren’t submitting enough”.

                But it is actually an incorrect view of submission that leads to some of the huge problems for christian women who are being refused. They are told (incorrectly) that they should submit to their husbands in bed, and if their husbands rarely want sex, they should just shut up and put up with it. Which is wrong – the bible teaches that the man’s body belongs to the wife (just as the wife’s body belongs to the man). That a man has a duty fo fulfil his wife sexually, and should only refuse sex (outside of a genuine inability to due anything of a sexual nature due to illness etc) by MUTUAL consent for a time of prayer.

                The problem that many man who refuse have (and is sadly backed up by many pastors and counsellors) is that they believe that a wife should just submit to his constant refusal and not every try to change the pattern of refusal.

                Refused men don’t go through this garbage. In fact, many times they get the exact opposite – both they and their wives are told, she should just submit and have sex whenever he wants. But refused women just get told they should submit to their husband’s lack of desire and not attempt to change it.

                I am aware this is a generalisation, but it’s a VERY common occurrence, and this is the first blog I have ever read by a christian man telling guys to shape up and provide for their wives’ sexual needs.

                There are a lot of submissive christian women out there who are really hurting because of being refused by their husband. Whenever they try to raise the issue with anyone, they are told just to submit to what their husband wants, and if they speak up a second time, they are told they are bad wives, bad christians etc.

                In my own marriage, I have terrible troubles with my husband’s dominance. He is not domineering – don’t misunderstand on me that. But he is stubborn, and has never been willing to submit to anyone, even when biblically he probably should have. Once he makes up his mind about something, no matter how much it makes me suffer, there is no changing his mind. He knows I will submit without argument, but there are times when I should argue and he should listen, but I realised right from the start that he won’t listen. And what is worse, is there are many issues he should be leading but he is wracked by indecision – he refuses to lead, to make decisions, but at the same time, he won’t delegate to me, even when making no decision has far worse consequences than the worst decision he could make for the situation as long as he actually made a decision.

                I have no problem with submitting – I have given up a lot for him, moving away from my family and friends, giving up not just my job but my whole career that I had spent 8 years at uni working towards because I can’t get a job in the industry due to moving half way across the country, I have given up most of my interests because he has declared we have money problems and can’t afford them, and so on. But I have no regrets about any of it. Spending two weeks away from him visiting my family is a poignant reminder that I’d rather be here with him, than have all the things I had before we got married. I would follow him anywhere, and do anything he asks that is physically within my capability of doing as long as it wasn’t immoral. All without hesitation and without regret.

                Our lack of sex has nothing to do with lack of submission. It may have something to do with the fact that he’s not taking a proper leadership role, but that is his personal decision and all I can do is encourage him to either be more decisive or to delegate to others when he feels too depressed/stressed to make a decision and one needs to be made. I don’t want to lead at all. I hate leading, despise it with a passion. In my career, I have deliberately taken lower paying jobs and jobs much below what others expected me to do with my IQ and previous education, because I don’t want to be in charge of anyone. It’s not within my personality.

                But none of that is changing our sex life. To be honest, I think if I got less submissive with our sex life, I’d get more sex, not less.

                But anyway, here I sit after a two week holiday, back 48 hours and been rejected more than a dozen times. He’d rather play stupid computer games than go to work or have sex. I mean, hey, I can understand the desire for wanting to play computer games rather than go to work, but we’re already struggling financially according to him (I think he doesn’t understand what financial struggle really is, but until you’ve been through what I went through for years, few people do understand what real struggle is), but we need him to go to work. But giving up sex after two weeks away from each other which he has spent playing computer games for 12+ hours nearly every single day, so he can play computer games? I can’t take it anymore.

                1. Riotgrrl says:

                  Yes, Biblically wives are said to submit to their husbands. But in the translation we lost the CONTEXT. We are only supposed to submit to our husbands if they submit to us. If he is doing his job, which in this instance is providing for you emotionally, physically, and financially, then yes. Submit to him as he is submitting to you. Ladies, you only put him before yourself if he is putting you before himself! Because that’s what submitting really means. And of course, God should be put before all things. Now, if you want to submit just to see if he will follow suit, go ahead. But don’t stay in submission to a husband that is not leading you on the right path. What is the use in submitting to an ungodly man? What is the use in submitting to anyone who will not put you before himself? Now he has two people prioritizing him, and you have none.
                  Rant over, Butterfly Wings my heart breaks for you. I’ve been where you’re standing, and you are so resilient to keep going on. My only advice would be this- KNOW you are worth wanting. Know that God made you, and there is nothing wrong with you. Our world is corrupted and we have to live in it, but God loves you and wants you to to be happy. I would keep working on your marriage in hope and love, and pray to God about the things that bother you. In the meantime, discuss getting a job so you can take up old hobbies again. And if he doesn’t like it, well. You don’t have to submit to him if he isn’t putting your needs before his. I’m not saying you should have an argument about it, but you are WORTH standing up for. Maybe try to find less expensive hobbies? Meetup.com is pretty fun. You can try cooking, knitting, walking groups, etc. And as always, pray about all things and meditate in that prayer, God loves you and He will provide for you if you rely on Him.
                  God Bless

                  1. Jay Dee says:

                    That is not consistent with the rest of scripture, as I read it. I explain this more thoroughly in . I’d welcome your thoughts on the verses I highlight in that post.

                  2. Butterflywings says:

                    Thanks Riotgrrl. A year later things are better. He’s now on medication and is a lot less anxious and better at making decisions. Sex life has only improved a little. It’s more that I changed antidepressants so I have as little interest as he does. So even though it still bothers me that we are only having sex 2-3 times a month, I don’t get the horrible physical cravings for sex. I still want it, but I don’t have the overwhelming physical need for it. I still do most of the initiating, and still get rejected most of the time, but since I don’t initiate as much, I’m not getting rejected as much so it hurts less.

                    I do have a job, unfortunately I don’t make any money by working. The way the tax, welfare and childcare systems are set up in Australia means women who return to work after having a baby can often end up working for nothing or actually losing money. We’re in the losing money category until I finish my graduate year and can (hopefully) get a job with set shifts instead of a rotating roster and will get higher pay.

                    It’s funny the interests you suggest because two out of three are ones I’ve had to give up due to the cost ie cooking for fun and knitting/crocheting. And walking is out because I need knee replacements. The hobbies I gave up the ones I used to do for my health like swimming.

                    I don’t need hobbies though. My time is taken up with the kids and work (and study that goes with work). I just want more sex. Everything else is going well.

                  3. fulfilldwifey says:

                    The context by which submitting your husband is used in the bible is simply meaning a spirital submission. The husband is to lead his houshold spiritually. The wive is submit under his Keyword “Godly” leadership. Listen dear sisters, if a husband is not a Godly man and does not love you as Christ loved His church and treat you as if you are an extension of himself and lead your household in a Godly manner guiding his family toward Christ then you in turn have to become that leader in which your children should submit to your spiritual leadership. Many men will try to take this scripture out of it’s context and use it as a dominate tool against their wives who are trying to please the Lord. Dont fall into that category. God is the head and then the husband only if he is following the ways of the Lord, and if he is not, then it becomes your responsibility to your children to teach them the ways of God and bring them up as God fearing and God loving individuals.

                    1. Jay Dee says:

                      Have to completely disagree with you on this one. This ignores 1 Peter 3:1-2.

                      Of course, if your husband tells you to do something against God, of course you need to listen to God first. But to decide to reject what God said about husband and wives so that you only have to follow a “godly” man. That’s … well … blasphemous.

                  4. Basro says:

                    please re-read this statement you made …. “We are only supposed to submit to our husbands if they submit to us.”

                    So has to submit first for this formulaic pattern to work? When will I be a good enough or perfect enough servant leader for my wife to submit to me. In reality I am loving, cherishing, providing for, etc my wife because of what Christ has done for me not because my wife is worthy or conversely because I am truly worthy of my wife’s love and submission.

                    No where does scripture state we should ever follow in submission one who is leading us into spiritually bankrupt paths ie threesomes, not paying taxes, cheating, truly ungodly actions.

        2. Kat says:

          YES! Spot on! When I let him have his way, we had sex maybe 10-12 times a year, and it was AWFUL! I was the submissive wifey through and through, and I think it turned him off more than anything. I told him that I cannot wait for him to initiate, that it was killing our marriage. It’s gotten better, I would say our frequency is about 40+ a year, or about once every 1 1/2 weeks. I need it about 2 times a week, and he said he could go with every 2 weeks.
          I guess I have to humble myself that he has some sort of disability where he just doesn’t feel like it, and that I have to initiate. (And he dies have bipolar, and takes meds, though he and his doctor swear up and down that the meds have no bearing on his sex drive. I doubt it.

          1. ButterflyWings says:

            Kat may I ask specifically what med he is on? I don’t know of any bipolar knows where sexual dysfunction is NOT a common potential side effects and I know my psych meds well and truly. it’s not a guaranteed side effect (and some meds are better than others), but it’s definitely possible with 99% of them. Also, do you know his history of interest in sex before meds?

            Although keep in mind, both depression and mania can lower sex drive sex. Most people when manic want it more, but in others it can actually lower sex drive because they are too caught up in their mania to think about sex.

            I have the exact same situation, except thankfully at the moment I feel so sick from being pregnant I can cope with once a week, but still, I get sick of doing most of the initiating.

            I too need it at least twice a week normally and it’s hard to cope with. Hubby has been honest if it were up to him, he’d only do it about once a month. Thankfully it looks like antidepressants are helping slightly with that.

            But please don’t settle for the current situation. If it his meds, that can be changed. If it his bipolar, he should be able to get help for it. And if it’s neither, then it’s some issue inside of him that can (and should be) addressed.

            Praying for you mate.

          2. Jay Dee says:

            Most meds dealing with anything psychological have a sexual side effect. But, as ButterflyWings said, the bipolar comes with it’s own set of sexual side effects as well.

            I’m glad to hear it’s gotten better!

        3. Anonymous says:

          This is true, I use to ask for sex all the time 2 or more times a day. But after Bering refused and being hurt I thought I’ll just stop. That will make him want me more. But it hasn’t we just have even less sex and now It’s all about him, because He gets it less he finishes faster and I haven’t even got reved up yet and then oh great no more sex for how long… 1 week, 2 a month. I’m so over this Shit, I started gaining weight because I’m depressed and then I thing great now he will want me even less. I love my husband but I’m destroying myself because of this. How do I forget about his issues and make me more important again?

      3. gill says:

        Don’t kid yourself, I’ve been a stay at home mum for the past 7 years, I relinquished control a long time ago, willingly I might add, and became an old fashioned wife & mother. Sadly I have a very poor sex life. My husband complains about the burden he has being the sole provider, that it puts too much pressure on him. He now hardly ever touches me and I’ve literally and pathetically begged him to want me. I now wish I hadn’t relinquished control, I’m trying to regain my life, and heading quickly toward a divorce. I am devastated by his betrayal of our love. I am not unattractive, I haven’t lost my figure even after 2 children, I keep myself fit, healthy and well groomed. I am a very confident positive person, but I find it hard to be happy around him anymore. I have tried everything, from leaving him be, to caring for him emotionally, and the obvious to no avail. We have even tried counselling. He claims he wants to as much as I do, yet never initiates. I am tired of being his maid and child minder. I am married not dead, I need sex just as much as I ever did. It is nice to see this problem being acknowledged for a change. Like the writer said, Men have excuses for not wanting it, women aren’t allowed to. It’s always the woman’s fault whether she wants it or not. As usual, women are treated unequal to our male counterparts. It is not O.K to neglect your wife, emotionally or physically. It’s that simple. If you do, don’t be surprised when she asks you for a divorce.

        1. Jay Dee says:

          Did you ever find out what the root cause of his not initiating is? Could it possibly be medical? It would be a shame to divorce over something he’s not aware he has control over, especially when it could be resolved.
          I’d urge you to continue fighting for your marriage. Divorce will harm you, your husband and your children for the rest of your lives, and will likely affect your future grandchildren, their spouses and their children.

          1. gill says:

            yes I did, he has been thinking about his ex (from 14yrs ago)sexually and using it to satisfy himself without me for the majority of our marraige. I never thought a betrayal of the heart would hurt so much. It didn’t hurt this much when my Mother died. Now I know why he can’t even look at me when he kisses me.

          2. Jessica says:

            I definitely was encouraged by your research and grateful for your desire to shed light on such a taboo subject, one that I have found myself suffering alone in because I won’t tell anyone out of embarrassment of myself and my husband. I have been feeling like a “refused wife” for about a year or so now.. I have read almost all the comments and I relate to a lot of them and find myself crying and feeling and sharing the pain of all these people.

            I have a few things to share that might be somewhat different than most of what was posted. So I am hoping that it might help someone to share my situation.. I am also very much wanting any advice and constructive opinions as well !!!… heres my story.

            My husband and I have been married 1.5 years, we get along great. We dated for 1.5 years before marrying and I really thought we were so compatible. I was 27 and he was 28. We were somewhat physical when we were dating and both very passionate and turned on by each other. We were so into each other on so many levels. Not just physically, but intellectually, and culturally, common interests and beliefs etc. we both agreed to try to resist going too far sexually as much as possible, and definitely wanted to save actually intercourse for marriage. I was so impressed by his restraint and respect for me that I felt that he was a Godly man of healthy sex drive and not “too high” for me. In other words I got the impression that we were on the same page spiritually and a good fit sexually. I had learned from a previous physical relationship of mine ( before I was more mature in my spirituality) that I have a very healthy sex drive and desire. I say healthy because I believe my desire for frequent passionate, adventurous sex with a loving monogamous partner is very healthy and normal for a man or woman to have. I wouldn’t call mine “high drive” because I dont need it all the time, I can definitely go with out, but I genuinely enjoying it and crave everything that comes with it.

            Anyway, The first time we had sex on our wedding night was so romantic and it was amazing spiritually and emotionally, but of course we were exhausted from the long day and we were just getting to know each others bodies in that way, so I was by no means expecting a lot or disappointed. I knew we would get better and better with practice. He was a very selfless person and lover and I was sure that we both desired to focus on satisfying the other and not just our own needs. The next day I was so excited to finally be on our honeymoon in the bahamas for a week to really get to enjoy the new adventure of unrestrained sex. The sex was good but it was a let down because i could tell his mind was elsewhere, it felt empty not passionate. During that time, when we were first married, we lived with his parents for a few months while renovating our new house. And the excuse then was not being “in the mood” and not wanting to do it down the hall from his parents, which I respected. We had sex maybe twice in those first 3 months of marriage, which was really sad for my as an excited newlywed. I kept reassuring myself that of course it would be better when we have our own place and could unleash all this built up passion and excitement in the privacy of our new home, alone together. He then got laid off from his job and decided to pursue his own real estate business, which i fully supported in every way. I was his biggest cheerleader. So he went without a lot of income going into the first year of our marriage, so I def could tell that his lack of income affected his confidence. Even though he never said it, and i NEVER brought it up. I just kept working hard and being so encouraging and positive. He can be a little proud, as most men, are about providing, etc. So i was patience and understanding about the fact that we only had sex maybe 2-3 times a month as newlyweds! But now he took a good paying job and he is definitely back to being the main provider. And I saw a good change in his confidence but not really an increase of sex.

            So as you can see, there has always been a reason I kept putting it off like a waiting game. Now since getting our own place and settling into marriage for over a year, we are affectionate and he does touch me and try to make me feel attractive but we only have sex 2-4/mo. So roughly a little more than every other week. (Im sorry if this is way more than a lot of you and i apologize if it sounds bad for me to complain, but for me this is just not enough.) The problem isnt really about how often we have sex, to me it about how often the “refused spouse” is getting turned down rejected, etc, and how bad it is really affecting the person on so many levels. And sometimes I wonder how long it would go if I didn’t initiate, probably longer. I cant remember that last time he initiated or that it was spontaneous. I feel like we have to make a lot of effort to make sure to have sex once a week and most of the time days slip by and its been almost 2 weeks. There is no excitement or build up like there used to be when he touched me while we were dating. I keep telling myself that its ok, and Im making it a bigger deal than I should be. But then other times I think no, something is definitely wrong with a young healthy newlywed couple not having much sex. These are the years that you would think would be the best! before the kids and the newness wears off.. I just keep going round and round in my head and I am slowly going crazy and losing my sex drive. The less we have it the more I slip into the fun roommate role. Its kinda starting to worry and scare me.

            Health reasons: He also mostly blames it on being tired, he has sleep apnea and never really gets good sleep. So I have always been very sympathetic of that and tried my best to understand and not put pressure on him. We have talked about the sex issues maybe 3 or 4 times. Sometimes in passing, I try to keep it light and loving. And a couple times a little more serious, but only because he opened up and really confronted the truth the there is a lack of sex happening and he wants to try to have more too. But it usually just feels like him making excuses and he says he is gonna try harder to make it a priority and always reassuring me that its him, and not anything to do with me or him not being attracted to me. He says he wants me all the time but he never really acts on it. He acts and talks like its cuz he is so busy all the time, but he finds plenty of time for TV shows and Football. Which I really have never gotten on him about, because I like watching TV with him too, but then he shys away from going further when I try touching him and slowly trying to initiate after tv and before going to sleep. And I try so hard not to feel so discarded at that point. I go to bed feeling so empty or broken hearted.

            I honestly don’t think it is a submissive issue. I do have my own opinions when we discuss things thats what he loved about me and he always put me first and takes me into consideration, but at the same time I have always followed his lead on making big decisions or seeing him as the leader of our relationship and future family. Although, when we met and ever since, I have been further a long spiritually, I guess you could say. He is not very expressive or ambitious about being the spiritual leader. So I have tried again to navigate that very wisely and respectfully and humbly. But I think that is part of it too.

            Recently we talked a little about it after he heard me crying myself to sleep, He mentioned in so many words, that his recent (slight) weight gain and lack of physical fitness makes him feel less attractive and less wanting to initiate sex. But again more excuses!! There is always an excuse and I have gently told him that for me there is never a reason I would miss out on being with him, meaning that I would never make these poor excuses. You either want sex and are willing to put it as a priority or not. And I always make it very clear how sexy he is and how much I want him. There has to be something deeper he doesn’t want to admit. He had been to the doctor a couple times and they said everything checks out ok, testosterone, prostate, etc. He has no problem getting aroused and we have no “issues” during sex that I know of. So the only thing I can think is that its insecurity on a manly level. I dont mean to talk about something I can’t fully experience or understand, but as his wife i can feel his lack of manly sexual confidence. ( I hope this doesn’t get too personal or graphic for the site, but I hope to be insight and educational by explaining our personal experience) Over time, with the decline of passion, there is less foreplay I have been less likely to finish. He now gets more to the point and it like he doesn’t have that slow passion we once had that got me there. It feels like maybe me not finishing has slowly bothered him and I am guessing that he is feeling less able to satisfy me. I never bring anything up, I always act and talk like I am completely “satisfied” by him because even when I haven’t finished, I am very satisfied just being with him and having him satisfied. I never lie or fake it. I think he can tell the most of the time he isn’t getting me all the way there. I keep thinking that everything is great on my end and wish he could just join me in the excitement and bliss, but there is just something wrong and bothering him and there is a disconnect. I have tried lingerie, music, lots of things to “spice it up” I am very open to whatever he wants or likes, we are very on the same page usually, nothing too strange. I am physically fit and always try to dress sexy for him, and I usually sleep naked or underwear only. Believe it or not this doesn’t seem to encourage him at all. He just passes out. he always says what a good lover I am and it seems clear that I always please him. We actually have really good sex most of the time we do have it. I just think he sees it as I failure if he doesn’t get me there.

            Of course the problem now is that he has been turning me down so much, that I have now slowly stopped trying, cuz then when I do try lingerie or something I get rejected, or i feel like he thinks i am pressuring him for it. There is no happy middle ground. I have masterbated a few times without him knowing and I feel so bad about it. I am trying not to start that. I am so frustrated as to what to do or how to approach him with initiating sex or with talking to him about it. I pray about it a lot but haven’t told anyone til now. I feel like we have the almost perfect marriage, I am so happy with him in every way, but this one area.

            Just to cover these 2 topics:
            Infidelity is not even close to entering my mind. And divorce is no way ever going to be an option for either of us. I am willing to work this out somehow or wait it out forever. I wouldn’t ever wander or leave him over this. I refuse to let sex issues or lack of sex ruin my marriage!

            Does anyone want to comment on the ideas Ive presented? Is there something I could have done to make him feel bad in bed? Should I fake it a few times to make him feel better? I just don’t want to do that. I really dont think there is anything obvious that i did to make him feel less of a good lover, but then again men are more fragile than we women (or even they) realize. Could it be his lack of knowledge of the female body that he is feeling insecure about? I am very subtle when trying to direct him to what I like. Would it be bad to show him articles about how “not so common” and easy the vaginal orgasm is?? What can I do to reassure him he is a great lover? Not just verbally, cuz I try that a lot. I guess I am just scared that talking him to death about it will make it worse… Please help!
            Sorry for such a long ramble!

            1. Sandi says:

              Jessica,
              It’s highly unlikely that you did anything to cause this. It is probable that he has either an undisclosed porn problem or pay sexual abuse problem.
              Have you been to the Marriage Bed Forums? They have a special section for, spouses that are refused sex. They can offer support and more ideas.

              IT. IS. NOT. YOU!

              Bless you sister. 🙂

              1. Anonymous says:

                Thanks for the somewhat encouraging words. However, you did not address or comment on anything I asked about at the end. And your addiction hypothesis is way off and not very helpful.

            2. Jay Dee says:

              I don’t think faking it every helped anyone.

              It could very well be his lack of knowledge, or a lack of confidence. I can’t say for sure either way. I think trying to find a way to talk about it that is less threatening would be ideal. You need to figure out what’s going on in his head, and we can’t tell you that.

            3. Butterflywings says:

              Hi Jessica. Your story is so much like mine it’s not funny. The only major difference is in the first three months of our marriage we spent more time living apart than together as we were living in different states when we got married so after our honeymoon he had to return to his home while I packed up my home to move to be with him. He came back for a few weeks at christmas to see his family and then I kept packing up the house and eventually finally moved to be with him.

              We saved intercourse for marriage, but before we were married, he seemed like a normal horny 29 year old who had to constantly fight his passions to go further. Our wedding night was absolutely amazing too. But everything changed when we left to go on our honeymoon overseas. In 15 days, we had sex 3 times. He spent 90% of the time on his computer playing computer games, or reading, completely ignoring me and completely refusing to do anything with me (intimate and non-intimate) because he believed a honeymoon was a “holiday” and a “holiday” to him is for relaxing by one’s self.

              And things never improved. We have now been married three years and sex is down to less than once a month. Officially a sexless marriage. Thankfully antidepressants have dulled my sex drive but all that means is instead of wanting it 4-5 times a week like the average couple our age three years into marriage, I still want it 1-2 times a week (still within healthy range for a couple our age with two children who admittedly are more work than the average child – a teenager with autism and ADHD and a toddler who may have ADHD). Having sex once every 6 weeks on average has killed my self esteem.

              So you’re not alone.

              Are you sure though his testosterone is ok?

              I just ask because different doctors use different scales and not all use correct scales nor are some men entirely honest (often with themselves) about what is a low level. It took two years before my husband finally went to our family doctor to ask to be tested just to shut me up. He came back and told me the doctor said his levels were fine. It turned out that wasn’t quite the case. He didn’t lie per se, it was a combination of him sightly misunderstanding the doctor, the doctor not being fully aware of what constitutes low results, and hubby not entirely being honest with himself about the results. The actual truth was his levels were abysmally low but the pathology company who did the tests use a scale that covers men across the entire life span (so his levels would be acceptable if he were 100 years old) and the scale they use isn’t a “normal” range but rather an “acceptable” range – so they would still be very low for a 100 year old but would just barely be within acceptable. And quite frankly, the pathology company who did the test, their acceptable range isn’t even the generally accepted range by scientists anyway – it turns out (after speaking to a specialist), it’s just they use the a government standard range in which the government won’t pay for treatment unless someone falls outside of that range. So there are a lot of men whose levels are very low but not quite low enough to get government subsidised treatment. Apparently a lot of GPs aren’t aware that the “normal” ranges aren’t the scientifically accepted normal ranges, and hubby didn’t quite listen to the doctor – all he heard was “the test results fall within the normal range” and not the “they are on the very bottom end of the scale”.

              Anyway, it was another 6 months after that before he finally agreed to see a specialist to get their opinion on his results. It was then confirmed that his results were horribly low, dangerously low for a man in his 30s, and that it is causing other serious health problems (including ones that are badly affecting me like his snoring and sleep apnoea and violent restlessness in his sleep) but the specialist can’t give him any treatments until he has another test done (to rule out nasties like cancer) and 5 months on, he can’t be bothered getting that test done to start treatment (which is a simple injection every 3 months). When I point out it’s not just the whole lack of sex breaking my self esteem, but that his depression and anxiety (which all the doctors involve believe are caused by low testosterone) is causing him to be grouchy with me and the kids, and miss so much work that he’s been given his final warning at work and may be fired if things don’t change soon, not to mention the financial consequences of him being demoted, cut back to part time and still only going to half his rostered shifts (such as being in debt up to our eyeballs and may lose our home). And then there are the sleep issues. His response is his snoring and thrashing around in his sleep is keeping me awake, he can always go sleep on the floor in his study, that he is more than happy. I can’t get through his head that that is just as bad! I cannot sleep knowing he would rather sleep on the floor in another room than simply get an injection once every 3 months so that he can sleep with me without keeping me awake all night. That sleeping in another room is even worse than me putting up with his snoring and thrashing around.

              Why are some men with low drives so opposed to doing anything about it? Refusing to treat his low testosterone is not only killing my self esteem and failing in his marital sex duty, but it’s making us all miserable with constant grumpiness and it’s going to cost him his job and our home. All because he’s too proud to go get a simple, virtually painless injection every few months. I don’t understand.

    2. Anonymous says:

      Wow this response is just perfect and really speaks to me. It gives me hope that when we finally move out of living with my parents and into our first home together I can let my husband finally have some more control and dominance and say in our choices. I am definitely a control freak , I admit that, but its been so hard not to seem ALWAYS in control when we live with my parents and family (only choice we had whilst saving and building our home)

    3. Joe Refuser says:

      I’m one of those men that refuses his woman. Our sex life was good until we moved in together… then I started to avoid having sex with her. I feel horrible when she tries to initiate and then goes to bed alone, crying herself to sleep. She felt like it was something about herself that was the issue. I told her over and over that it was me… which I believed until the past few days. I’m not cheating on her-physically or emotionally, I’m fully heterosexual, and have a high sex drive… just lately I prefer to take care of that, myself. heh

      She has a VERY dominant personality, everything has to be how she wants and when she wants. She is loud, demanding, confrontational, quick to argue, and stubborn… a little OCD, as well.

      Me, I’m laid back. I like to do things at my own pace. I’m not one to be confrontational and I don’t fuss over little things. However, I can be extremely stubborn and will not budge when someone tries to control me. Which, with her dominant personality, is like an unstoppable force hitting an immovable object.

      I started thinking about how it may be her dominant personality that is subconsciously causing me to have no interest. In nature, several examples of how submissive and dominant behaviors, or even aggressiveness and passiveness, effects mating in other creatures. I started searching on google for any scientific research on that and ended up here.

      I think Submissive Wife nailed it, at least in my scenario.

      Showing her Submissive Wife’s post and then her changing those parts of her personality? Highly unlikely.

      So what can I do on my part to diminish those conflicting traits of hers?

      1. Jay Dee says:

        Hey Joe, thanks for commenting.
        Well, first thing, you can’t change your spouse. But, from what I’m seeing in your comment, that’s all you want to do. You seem unwilling to look at yourself and see what you can change.
        What if, instead of being an extremely stubborn, immovable object, you instead learned to be a bit more accepting and tolerant? Your comment looks like it could be paraphrased to say “I like my difficult personality more than my wife.”

        Then, when you’ve shown your wife how mature you can be, how much you love her, that you’re willing to grow for her…then she may be willing to take the same steps and mature herself and be less controlling.

    4. Anonymous says:

      What if by surrendering to the submission means nothing gets done and things fall apart, because he refuses to step up and be a man in charge?

      1. Jay Dee says:

        How would that happen? Just because your submitting doesn’t mean you can’t do things. It doesn’t tie your hands. You don’t have to wait for him to tell you to empty the dishwasher, or do laundry, or make supper, or pay the bills. Submitting doesn’t mean you become a mindless automaton. Look at it this way: when you submit to God, do you just lie in bed waiting for God to tell you to get up, to put on your clothes, to eat breakfast?

      2. Robyn Gibson says:

        To Anonymous: “What if by surrendering to the submission means nothing gets done and things fall apart, because he refuses to step up and be a man in charge?”

        What if by surrendering to the submission means EVERYTHING starts to change and get done and nothing falls apart but instead, gets way better?

  4. deelmo says:

    Thank you for the excellant article and research. I think the refused wife numbers may be even higher than that. Form small group discussions my wife and I have found that for the wife, being refused is so embarasssing and/or humilating, that most will not even talk about it. So yes, they suffer in silence. Some men simply don’t get it that if they prefer to watch a TV program when their wife would like to make love – they’re refusing her. Worse, they’re ‘ranking’ her and their marriage in importance in their life. TV first – wife second. Then when the husband finally does show up for bed, wife is by this point too tired – yet he claims that he was the one refused!! This is a personal example of my refusal. Only when called out about it in marriage counseling, did I realize what I was doing. Up until that point – I would never have accepted the title of refuser.

    1. Jay Dee says:

      Thank you that additional perspective and for being willing to admit it. Having the will to deal with it and turn the situation around seems to be rare.

    2. ButterflyWings says:

      Was reading an article a few days ago from some aussie university. Uni of Sydney maybe? Where they did a proper research study recently and found 1 out of 6 relationships involved the woman having a higher sex drive. And a big chunk of the others involved either equal drive, or equal no drive. So I’d say when it comes to being refused, it may not be 50/50, but that still means a LOT of the people being refused are women.

  5. Jessica says:

    Oh, I like that deelmo. That’s very true. I have to admit we have a “window” of opportunity over here. It’s not that I’m denying him, ever actually, and he knows this but I do need my sleep and after a certain point the window will close. Somehow he always makes the window in time 🙂 It comes down to priorities from both the husband and wife.

    1. Jay Dee says:

      Yeah, I don’t initiate sex after 11pm, it’s just too hard on my wife the day after. But, sometimes she will initiate after 11pm (I function fine on little sleep, so that’s never an issue).

  6. Jessica says:

    Yeah, men don’t seem to have a problem with that, what’s the saying, something about a man will always choose sex over sleep… 🙂

    1. JustMe says:

      That seems a bit insensitive Jessica, considering the topic of this blog post. It is exactly that kind of mindset and attitude that causes us “unicorns” to suffer in silence.

  7. Jessica says:

    I had no intention of being insensitive. First, you are correct, my comment probably does not line up accurately with the post but I was responding to Jay Dee, not necessarily everyone. Second, I didn’t make up the saying, only repeating it. And third, I understand as well as anyone what it feels like to suffer in silence having had a terminally ill husband for three years, in my thirties ,and yes, I was a wife who did enjoy sex and could not have it due to his medical condition. I didn’t mean to be offensive, I apologize if it came across that way.

  8. Jay Dee says:

    I know you didn’t mean anything by it, but this is a poignant example of one of those stereotypes in our society that we repeat without thinking.

    The fact is, not all men would always choose sex over sleep. Some men will always choose sleep over sex, and its more than the world is ready to admit. Likewise, there are many more women that will choose sex over sleep than is commonly accepted as well.

    I think we need to do our best to challenge these stereotypes, instead of continuing them, and I think the hardest part, as this shows, is that its so pervasive, that we often aren’t even aware that we’ve done it. Its going to take a while for society, and that means all of us, to shift this thinking.

    1. ButterflyWings says:

      My husband frequently chooses sleep over sex. Although it may be because he plays computer games til the early hours of the morning (and sometimes the later hours of the morning) and only gets off the computer when he is too tired to keep his eyes open anymore.

  9. Submissive Wife says:

    As a medical professional, I have to point out that other issues with the man not wanting sex as much as the wife could be physiological. Low testosterone, depression, too little sleep or lack of quality sleep or poor diet could all lead to decreased sex drive- regardless of who’s dominant and who’s submissive.

    I don’t know the age range of your audience, so the following assumes a couple in their 40s-mid-50s. When women reach their 40s they often have more energy (especially once they get their hormones under control if they’re menopausal) as their children are likely grown or typically more self-sufficient, they’ve probably got the birth control thing figured out- likely through vasectomy or tubal ligation, and they’re finally getting comfortable in their skin. Women at this age are often highly motivated to change their negative habits- eat better, exercise more, relax more- basically take good care of themselves. All of these can contribute to her being more revved up for sex at a time when her husband’s drive may be lowering.

    This is the time when if we don’t get serious about our health, real problems start happening. Men, in general, aren’t the health leaders in the home (even if they are head of their household) and they lag behind their wives in turning things around. They also may be working long hours and be exhausted. Sleep apnea could be an issue- where they may be clocking enough hours, they’re not getting good, quality rest. Also, in the 40s-50s, testosterone levels may dip. While women are used to seeking hormonal help around menopause, men aren’t likely to seek help or even know it could be an issue. And many men wouldn’t even think about discussing sex problems with their physician.

    So- when I said women’s dominance over their husbands could be a culprit, clearly it’s not the only one.

    I’m in a marriage where the health issues have all been addressed- we eat well, sleep well, exercise regularly, give each other “me” time to be alone, with friends, etc, and have our hormones regulated. So, for ME, becoming submissive has had a subtle, yet profound, effect on our relationship. It’s taken a great marriage and is making it absolutely rock solid.

    Another factor that I didn’t mention, and others have, is that not every man is cut out to be the leader. Some have little ambition or vision and are not likely to change- not that they can’t, it just doesn’t seem to be in their nature. It’s also possible that they have a lack of self-confidence because no one’s ever believed in them and given them the authority that could bring out the leader in them. Who knows? There are all kinds of reasons.

    It’s critical WHO we choose to marry. I was married before and made a very poor choice. He was someone I could never see myself being submissive to because I had no confidence he would be a strong leader and make decisions in our best interest. His character was weak, and mine wasn’t much better. Of course, this is looking back. At the time, I never considered the dominant-submissive roles.

    When I married the second time, I was very careful what kind of man I chose, and worked hard to improve myself so I could be a wife deserving of such a husband. I chose well. He is a great leader, not perfect, but always has our best interests in mind. He has a solid character. I am proud to be submissive to him. I just wish it hadn’t taken me over 15 years to realize how critical this is to our happiness and the health of our family.

    Admittedly, we had a pretty good sex life before, but right now we both feel like newlyweds and from what I’ve heard from other dominant/submissive marriages, that often continues- in other words, the honeymoon period doesn’t wear off. Time will tell- as for right now, we are thoroughly enjoing ourselves.

    1. ButterflyWings says:

      I don’t buy the physiological issue. I have fibromyalgia, rheumatoid arthritis, riddled with tendonitis, tendinopathy, osteoarthritis and other issues through nearly all my joints, diabetes, hormonal imbalances, thyroid issues that won’t settle despite being on medication, genetic severe vitamin and mineral deficiences that aren’t well controlled even with supplements, chronic severe pain from injries that multiple operations have failed to fix, sleep apnoea, obesity and more things that aren’t coming to me right now, as well as being pregnant, got really bad morning sickness, constant headaches from the hormones and just generally feeling yuck. I also have PTSD which includes dealing with major depression, anxiety, low self esteem and horrible body image issues. I have been a victim of rape and sexual assault, and my first husband was a violent monster who stalked me for years after our separation

      But despite all that, I manage to still want sex every day when not pregnant, and nearly every day since being pregnant (and I’d still want it every day if I wasn’t so revolting sick all the time).

      I can understand low testosterone being a reason to not initiate sex, but not to constantly refuse. And as for depression, having a spouse desiring you and constantly telling you how great you are should make things better and shouldn’t lead to refusal. And lack of sleep? Between my fibromyalgia and sleep apnoea, I’m constantly in a daze of exhaustion, but it doesn’t stop me. Lack of sleep is just a poor excuse.

      Female refusers aren’t allowed these excuses, so I don’t see them as valid excuses for men either. Low testosterone even… thats not a valid reason to refuse, only an understandable reason not to initiate. And it’s something that no man has any right to hide behind. It’s easily diagnosed and treated, and men like my husband who refuse to get tested because it’s an “insult to their manhood” to even suggest they have low testosterone, annoy me because it’s silly and selfish and just bad for themselves, with the medical consequences of untreated low testosterone, not just for their sex life. I too am a healthcare professional, and I get tired of being refused and having hubby getting really angry at me on the few occasions I nicely ask him to go get tested and treated. But he thinks he knows better than me. I only spent nearly the entire last decade (more than 15 years if you count my previous studies in science and psychology) studying the human body and human sexuality and sexual dysfunction. But hey what would I know right?

  10. Aimee says:

    I would give anything to make love with my husband more than once maybe twice a week.
    Not sure I can say I’m being rejected because it’s his work hours which make him so extremely tired during the week, but it still hurts all the same.
    I am 48 and he is 58, and due to blood pressure meds needs vit. V to help things along.
    I definitely have a higher drive and have cried to him about my need of more sexual intimacy with him.
    And so tonight I sit here alone crying, again, while he has gone to bed at 7:30.
    I have prayed for a diminished drive and I only once in a blue moon allow myself to initiate, which is always turned down. I’m trying so hard to ignore my sexual desire.

    We only make love during the weekend and usually on Saturday mornings, then if I’m lucky again on Sunday morning. But he shared too that it is hard for him physically to make love more than every few days.

    I try hard not to pleasure myself during the week, but it gets so hard not to when I’m in the mood and nothing happens. And please don’t start on me about the wrong of doing that.
    My desire gets so strong, and yes, at times I share my desire with my husband, but if he’s tired, he’s tired.
    And then of course, the guilt. I should be more understanding of him being tired, but honestly, after a week of no sexual intimacy it gets hard to keep my focus where it should…that he provides for us allowing me to stay home, that he is a good, loving man and always makes sure I’m taken care of in the bedroom when we do make love. He is not selfish sexually at all, just not that interested.

    So, it is not always the man being refused and if it is maybe he should really make sure he is not being selfish in the bedroom so that his wife actually wants to make love again and again.

    Sorry this is more of a rant than anything really intelligible. Just so tired of hearing how I need to be more submissive, respectful and give better blowjobs so he will want me more. ;(

    1. Jay Dee says:

      You can rant away. I hope this is and can be a safe place for people to do so.

      Thank you for sharing your story, though I’m sure it was hard to do. A lot of what you wrote resonates with me, because I’ve been through it with the genders flipped.

      And I understand the frustration of being told to be more submissive, respectful, give better blow-jobs, etc. and it not working. I tried the version for guys of: be more loving, do more housework, help out with the kids more, without any success.

      Yes, those things can help in some situations (probably many situations, or else people wouldn’t keep saying this works), but in cases where the refusing spouse doesn’t think there is an issue, or doesn’t want to confront the issue, or is just being selfish, it’s not going to make any difference at all.

      And I’m willing to bet that with his main excuse being that he’s too tired from work, you’re holding out on the hope that when he retires, things will improve (and I sincerely hope they do!). I had a similar hope. I had basically given up on having a sex life until my wife hit her sexual peak mid-thirties, or whenever it might happen for her. I had basically give up hope of sex with my wife by age 25.

      I prayed for the diminished drive, I prayed for her increased drive, I even prayed for Jesus to come back sooner so I don’t have to deal with the pain of rejection anymore (yep, end the world, I’m suffering enough).

      And I know how hard it is to keep your hands off of yourself, because we were made to be sexual, and without an outlet, when you are in a marriage, which was designed to BE the outlet, it’s incredibly hard to resist that part of yourself, and I don’t think we were ever designed to resist it. I believe it is only because of sin that we have circumstances where we do have to learn to resist that temptation. And I know that God will give us the strength to resist temptation, but it’s so hard to give up that control to him.

      In your case, if I could be so bold, may I offer a suggestion, realizing I don’t really know enough to have even a guess at whether this would work in your marriage:

      Can you ask your husband to participate in your masturbation? That way, he doesn’t have to do all the physical “work”, just be with you, hold you, share that bond. I mean, I’m not that interested in gardening, but if my wife asks me to sit outside and talk to her while she gardens, I’ll do it because she wants my company. I know, it’s not quite apples to apples, but if you haven’t asked, it’s worth a shot, maybe?

      1. Aimee says:

        Thank you for the reply. I’m not quite as emotional today as I was last night, LOL!

        This is a second marriage for both my husband and I. I was married for 20 years to an abusive man. And suffice it to say, there was no lovemaking, just sex done his way from what he had observed through porn and absolutely no pleasuring me on his part at all. Never. It was my “problem”.

        My husband is a wonderful loving man who loves me so deeply. We have a very special relationship. We are soul mates.
        Our lovemaking is amazing, when we get the chance or maybe, make the time.
        His work hours see him up at 3am, home by 5pm and usually in bed no later than 8pm. My two teen sons live with us and so that can make it hard to get any alone time. Plus, my husband is just plain tired.
        So, usually it Saturday mornings as I mentioned above and usually again on Sunday morning.

        This morning he of course was ready and willing, but I had to be somewhere early so I knew it was going to have to be quick…in other words, just for him since the ticking clock was going to make it very hard for me to O very quickly.
        I honestly was feeling a little resentful this morning because I had been in the mood the last few nights, but nothing happened. So, after saying a silent prayer that my resentment would fade and I would be content in not having an O, I started pleasuring my husband. He honestly does not like to finish unless I’ve O’d but this morning when he said he could wait until later, I told him I wanted him to finish.
        Afterwards I was starting to feel resentful again and a little sad, because the chances of us doing anything tonight are small since it’s hard for him to come again so soon.
        So I pretty much just jumped out of bed and was silent for a while. Then before I had to leave, I tried to apologize for my poor behavior. I explained that as much as I really wanted to pleasure him I felt sad that it would be a while before we made love again and was feeling selfish that I didn’t get to O too.
        His response was that later tonight he was going to make sure I was completely pleasured. Well, we’ll see…likely he’s going to be tired from doing work around the house.

        I guess I’m embarrassed about asking my husband to just be with me while I masturbate. He doesn’t know that every once in a while I do it. But you are right that God will give me the strength to resist that temptation if I just ask Him to. And lately I really haven’t even wanted to, I’ve kind of gotten to where I don’t care much anymore whether I O, at least not by myself, so maybe that’s a good thing.

        Anyway, another long rant…I really enjoy reading your blog…

        1. Jay Dee says:

          I’m OK with long rants, often I feel most of my posts are just long rants.

          I want to strongly encourage you to request that he help you/be with you for masturbation. I know it’s uncomfortable to start and even to bring up, it took us a long time to get used to it. In fact, I couldn’t even orgasm the first…I don’t know how many times.

          But once you do get used to it, it’s nice having that option there for those times when he can’t commit to full-out sex.

  11. libl says:

    I am in a slightly different camp than.refused wives, but it is just as painful. I call myself a denied wife. A denied wife is a wife who wants sex (with an orgasm) and gets sex, but her husband will not ensure her an orgasm. I get frustrated because people say that I should just masturbate, use a toy, or refuse him until he figures it out. Or they say I shouldn’t let him enter me until he gives me an orgasm orally or manually. Easier said than done and I certainly don’t feel right returning tit for tat…refusal for denial. He can be a refuser,

    It is annoying to constantly read that I should be more submissive, do more for hubby, dress more for him, seduce him, give him all the sex he wants, refuse him all the sex he wants, demand from him, lay ultimatum like boundaries, don’t dress for him….blah blah blah. None of it works when it is a heart issue within him. You can’t manipulate out a heart issue.

    Plus, if we learned anything from refusing spouses and their refused spouses, it is all eccuses anyway. If you helped with the kids more, I’d be up for sex. So he completely takes over child care in the evening and she still says not tonight. We read about it over and over.

    When I confronted hubby he said, “fine, I won’t do it (refuse me in favor of masturbating)any more. Why are. you still crying? I said I’d stop!”. I said, “because your heart hasn’t changed.”

    1. Jay Dee says:

      Sadly, I’ve been here as well, in a way.

      We had a long period (a couple years) where sex was painful for my wife (we didn’t know about lube, it hurt her, so she tensed up, which made it hurt, endless cycle). We hadn’t introduced mutual masturbation into our marriage yet or toys, and so, I would give her an orgasm manually or orally, afterwards, she would say “sorry honey, which there was something I could do for you”, roll over and go to sleep.

      I doubt the refuser ever wants to be a refuser (or denier), they just think they can’t or shouldn’t have to do whatever it is they should be doing. In my wife’s case, she didn’t feel she had the confidence or experience or anything to return the favour for fear of failure, so she just didn’t even want to try.

      She wasn’t being malicious, I’m not even sure you can call it selfish, in our case, but it hurt all the same, and at the time it certainly felt like she was being selfish, and I felt very cheated.

      1. libl says:

        My husband flat out told me 3 times that he doesn’t like bringing me to pleasure. He doesn’t like manual or oral sex and only wants intercourse. He used to bring me to pleasure once in a while and was successful and always praised, but stopped. He told me, “but you always want it!”.

        I wish I understood. He won’t let me give him oral, either. I miss that. I asked why and he said that it just doesn’t turn him on, but I remember him directing me diwnward to give him oral or moving upward during missionary to give him oral. The last time he gave me oral was voluntary on his part and he really seemed to enjoy it. I don’t know what changed. He won’t say.

        1. ButterflyWings says:

          If I was in your shoes, I’d want to snap at his (sorry for the bluntness) really stupid comment of “but you always want it”, something like “well you always want to orgasm so what makes you so special that you think you should have it every time and I shouldn’t???”.

          But I know that only makes things worse not better.

          I do understand him with the whole not wanting oral sex. At least that’s the one thing hubby and I agree on. Beither of us like it or want it.

  12. Apple says:

    I just cannot put into words how humiliating and demoralising it is to be an unwanted wife. I mean guys are always up for it, aren’t they?

    I have a husband who truly loves me, he shows this in many many ways, he just doesn’t WANT me. he doesn’t notice me sexually has no interest in lingerie, or watching me undress, he doesn’t have any fantasies, doesn’t want to try new things I could go on for half a page about the things he isn’t interested in.

    Now he will make love to me, but 90% of the time I initiate and approx 2/3rd of those fail as he just isn’t interested.
    If I tell him I am really really in need he will make love with me simply because he loves me, but I never get the passion or heat, it leaves me feeling he is fulfilling a husbandly obligation, after such a session I maybe physically satisfied but often feel empty and sort of disgusted with myself that I actually coerced him into something he didn’t want. I love that he tries but hate that he actually has to try.

    I cannot count the amount of nights I laid there in tears simply unable to sleep.

    Instead of feeling I am desirable or wanted, I am left feeling there must be wrong with me that my own husband doesn’t desire me.

    1. ButterflyWings says:

      Apple, I am sitting here literally trying to hide the tears with my husband sitting less than a metre from me. I could have written word for word what you wrote. Every thing you said about your husband, every emotion you said you feel is my exact situation.

      As soon as I write one more email, I am heading off to bed to cry myself to sleep after 48 hours of constant rejection after two weeks away from each other. Short of begging like a dog, he wouldn’t have sex with me tonight. We have sunk to sex less than once a fortnight, he barely goes to work once a week, yet he still stubbornly insists his depression isn’t that bad, that he doesn’t low testosterone (hasn’t been checked! refuses to get tested), and that I am the freak for expecting we should be having sex at least 2-3 times a week.

      It is even worse, that for me this is the second marriage that I have been rejected, albeit just in different ways. For my first husband, having sex twice a day wasn’t enough for him, even though he could have had it so much more if he wasn’t out doing drugs to the early hours of the morning with his deadbeat mates literally every day. He had dozens of long term mistresses and hundreds of casual sex partners (male and female). Nothing I gave him was ever enough. Even things that I found disgusting (eg oral sex), even things that I found agony painful (eg anal sex, especially after severe tearing that hasn’t healed properly even a decade later), nothing no matter how dirty, painful and degrading was enough for him. I was never enough for him.

      And now I have a husband who rejects me altogether and never wants sex, and for a while there we even got up to twice a week, most weeks, but even then, it was only to shut me up, not because he wanted sex. I can only remember once having sex that he actually wanted.

      I’m too tired and sick to keep trying anymore. I guess I should be grateful that he actually finally gave me sex at the right time after months so that we have a baby on the way, and accept that he will never desire me or even try to meet me even half way or quarter way of fulfilling any of my desire and should resign myself to the fact I’m fat, ugly and annoying and no man will ever want me that way. I’m too tired to keep trying anymore

      1. Apple says:

        ButterflyWings my heart is hurting for you, I wish I had the words to bring you some comfort here.

        I will pray for you x

        1. ButterflyWings says:

          Thanks Apple. Today was a much better. I actually had a day where hubby didn’t ignore me. Having some health issues so it’s probably the worst sex we’ve ever had, but honestly I don’t care. I mentally feel so much better even though it means a trip to the doctor tomorrow. I’ve just been so worried about hubby and I can’t cope with being strong for him when he totally pushes me away physically and mentally. I’m sure tomorrow it will be back to him pushing me away, but I can cope for up to a week usually before it gets to me. And I’ve had some other hopefully good news on a non relationship issue that hopefully will help hubby feel less stressed and hopefully less anxious and depressed as a result. It won’t fix our sex life, but at least if he gets undepressed, theorectically we should go back to once a week. Still painfully refused on a near daily basis, but once a week is still better than once every 2-3 weeks. And maybe the horrible morning sickness that kicked in today (something that happens for me at the start of the second trimester) will put me off wanting it as much.

          Thank you for your prayers. I believe that is what has made the difference to my day. Prayers from lovely people I’ve opened up to online about our sex issues, and prayers from family and friends over getting a job. The job isn’t confirmed (not by a long shot) but the road block stopping me from being able to get work has been removed. Thank you so much.

          I hope and pray your situation improves soon too and that eventually things are fixed (sooner rather than later). *hugs*

    2. Jack says:

      Why does God put opposites together?

      1. Jay Dee says:

        There are two schools of thought there. The first is that God doesn’t “put” them together. We have free-will and we choose our own spouses.

        The other is that God puts them together to teach us things like patience, humility, service, etc..

  13. Apple says:

    I have been re-reading this blog and I am honestly moved to tears by the pain displayed and badly hidden here.

    I too am happy to be submissive to my husband, we mostly discuss things anyway and if we cannot agree I defer to his wishes. I actually think it is harder for him simply because if his choice is wrong he always feels so bad.

    The only place I push against his wishes is in the bedroom, quite simply if I didn’t let him know when I am “itchy” as we call it, or if I didn’t initiate myself we would maybe make love once a fortnight or even once a month.

    I wanted to remind husbands who consistently refuse their wives, that this can lead to them feeling unfeminine and undesirable and therefore vulnerable to the attentions of predatory men.

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  16. Amy says:

    Now I’ve been married just over 45 years and when first married I required more sex and intimacy than my husband. We dated for a couple of years and we never had sex, I wouldn’t let it happen. He was in the military and when he returned home things were different, it could have been he grew up more. When we got married we had sex on our wedding night, I suppose it was clumsy but I figured it would get better with practice. My husband had other thoughts , first he couldn’t sleep with me, so he slept in a chaise lounge out by the pool of our hotel. I cried just about all night, I wanted him near me, In the morning the perfect storm was brewing in his mind! I was told that he wasn’t going on our honey moon, He even suggested I go by myself and maybe I could latch on to one of the local guys. I went balistic and told I wanted him, all he said was not him. We made a mistake by getting married. So in his mind he fixed the problem, he just moved to the basement, told me sex was disgusting, messy, smelly, gross to the point of vomiting and that he didn’t want sex from me or any one else. He preferd to just do without any sex at all, he worked the midnight shift for years, all holidays, weekends, never took vacation. Being ignored all these years has made me a cold, heart less person. If it wasn’t for my shrink and doctor, I would have killed myself or my husband.

    1. Jay Dee says:

      Wow, Amy, I have no idea what to say. That’s … well, horrible.

      Well, I’m going to give the only thoughts I have, but please understand, I’m not in your situation, so while I understand this is hard, I really have no concept of how hard.

      Regardless of circumstance, God is enough. (2 Corinthians 12:9) Do not let your husbands issues drag you down. You have value being God’s child, and He cares for you. (Psalm 139:13-16)

      I doubt you are heartless, but I believe you are heart broken. (Psalm 34:18, 1 Peter 5:7) Draw closer to God, He can heal you if you let Him. (Jeremiah 17:14)

      I will be praying for you.

      1. Ellie says:

        Jay, these are great scriptures to encourage someone but when you’ve been rejected by someone who said they will honour you with their body, and then reject you sexually is very hard to come to terms with….

  17. Jess says:

    I am a 25 year old wife of three years. I have never put any of this out for anyone to know, but i am so tired of hurting. I cry myself to sleep constantly beside a husband who doesnt even know. He has no interest in sex, it will be as long as 2-3 weeks inbetween each session, i start it every time and i am often refused. All i can think anymore is, im in a marraige where my husband does not want me. And im only 25. This has caused me to heed to the affections of other men, for which i deeply regret. I do not know how to fix this, i am losing hope as the days go by and have no idea how i can make it through a marraige with no intimacy. I feel like he is my best friend and my roomate, no longer are we lovers.

    1. Jay Dee says:

      Hi Jess,

      I wish I had an answer for you. I do have a couple of directions to point you in though.
      1) Check out http://boards.themarriagebed.com. It is a Christian community with support for Christian marriages. There is a section there for people who are married to refusers. You aren’t alone. Some of the wives there might have insight better than any I could offer.
      2) Has your husband gotten his testosterone checked? This is often a primary cause of low-drive males.

      Lastly, don’t give up hope. I know many marriages where it took years to resolve this issue. It can still turn around.

    2. Ellie says:

      Waoh..Jess you are 25..i’m glad you at least get sex 2-3 weeks. i’ve been married for 18 months and i can count the number of times i’ve had sex. 4 times in 2013 and may be 6 times during our first 6 months of marriage…..i’m 42 and my husband is 47. i want children he now says that he doesnt children. you are young. i understand exactly how you feel sleeping next to a man who is fast asleep while you are crying….we are room mates for sure….sorry but you will need to decided soon what to do with your marriage. you are too young to go through this for the next 80 years1111

      1. Robyn Gibson says:

        @Ellie. Jesus was too young to go through what He went through – age has nothing to do with choosing self over life or death of a marriage.

        1. Anonymous says:

          Hi Robyn
          Thanks for your response but I dont quite follow through what you mean? Jesus was too young.

          Which person can live with a man for a lifetime without their sexual needs being met? Unless they both married for every other reason apart from sex…or they have been married before and they are in their 80s and 90s. I meants its tough to contemplate a lifetime without love..

          If ive misunderstood what you meant then im sorry.

          1. Robyn Gibson says:

            No apology necessary Anonymous. I was responding to Ellie’s counsel for Jess to give up on her marriage and choose self instead of carrying a cross for her brother in Christ. Jesus didn’t give up and abandon us. Yet this counsel advises someone to say, “ouch God You cannot help me – this cross that YOU have laid on me is just too heavy.” it is a victim mentality and is powerless as such.

  18. Anon. says:

    Thank you for bringing this information to light and for helping break this stereotype. It is so hurtful to hear things like “a man will always choose sex over sleep”, expect that your husband will pursue and desire bc sex is listed as a man’s greatest need in every marriage blog and book, to hear jokes about wives never desiring sex, to feel un-desirable. The rejecting, non-pursuing husbands need to understand what hit their wives are taking in self-esteem and thinking she is ugly to you. So hard to admit in any circle bc it is admitting your husband is less than as a man in society’s eyes and standards and you are less than as a woman. where as a man being refused can still hold onto his masculine dignity.

    1. Jay Dee says:

      You’re very welcome. I hope one day it becomes something more socially acceptable to talk about so that marriages like yours can start to heal.

  19. Ellie says:

    i have a question. i read about low testosterone in men and women…does anyone know any good herbal medicine that i can try to use for my husband because he will not go to see a GP? i think he has a problem but as most of us know men don’t like GP’s…

    i’m at the end about to end my marriage because i waited until i was 39 before i had sex. i wanted to wait until i got married.. i though God would honour that and give me a happy marriage but look at me…i’m so unhappy!!!!

    1. Jay Dee says:

      I don’t know of any herbal medicines I’m afraid. Regular exercise might help though.

  20. Tammy says:

    I have been married for 10 years and have 2 children 9and 6 both boys. My husband is 49 and I am 43. We have not had sex in a years and I keep giving excuses for him but I have come to the end of my rope. He has blood presssure, pinched nerve, and shoulder problems. I asked him what is wrong but he has no answer. Can you give me some idea please I am a basket case and I don’t want to end my marriage I still love him and he say he does too so what is wrong!

  21. Anonymous says:

    I am also only 25 years old and my husband is 27. We have been married 6 years and have three children. I would love to have sex everyday but my husband is fine with once a week or less. I do feel shame as a woman and i feel very unattractive that my husband who is only in his 20s would rather sleep or watch tv than have sex with me. I thought my husband getting a vasectomy would make frequency better but it has only gotten worse since his surgery back in december. Just last week he had vacation for 9 days and we only had sex three times (which is a huge number for him). He also shows no affection, no flirting, and doesn’t speak affectionately towards me. I don’t know what to do. I try to show him affection and love with actions and words but he doesn’t respond. He is for sure the head of the household and enjoys his role but when it comes to sex he just isn’t interested except when he initiates about once a week. I try to initiate throughout the week (with saying something naughty, putting his hand on my body, or touching his penis, etc.) but he doesn’t care. It has been this way for almost three years. Then when we finally do have sex he just wants to get it over with and i end up feeling like a garbage bin where he just deposits his load and nothing else. It feels hopeless. Just wanted to let other women know they are not alone and to break the silence.

  22. InCalifornia says:

    My heart breaks for Tammy and Anonymous. It definitely messes with your mind when your man doesn’t initiate. I am married for 3 years and we have a 14 year age difference (34 and 48). I initiate 90% of the time and thankfully he is receptive and sex is great. But the fact that he never reaches for me kills me inside. I’ve never felt less sure of myself in a relationship and don’t feel wanted in my marriage because he never starts sex. I’ve cried and begged repeatedly. We are going to therapy. He finally admitted that he is afraid of having performance issues and he has struggled with low testosterone. It really broke my heart. Hopefully the therapist can help us. It definitely makes you feel like less of a woman when you’re man doesn’t reach for you. Husbands if you read this, make sure your wife knows she is sexually desired by taking action! Otherwise you are putting your marriage in a very risky place.

  23. Amy says:

    I’ve been married going on 46 years and my husband and I had sex one time in all these years. He hated sex and the thought of having sex with me was gross and inhuman. We never had alot of money, just enough to live on. I could only get low paying jobs. So he worked day and night, we had no kids he hated kids. He lived his life in our basement where he ate and slept. I grew lonely and depressed, but I had to keep moving forward. Finally after years I just gave up with him, he didn’t care about me there was no communication or love. I was stupid and it was my own fault for not leaving him, I only stayed because I haven’t any personal money. Being in my mid 60’s doesn’t help me no where to go. No one should feel sorry about me because I’m just as much at fault he is. I should have moved on in my life. Any one stuck in a no life marriage and has tryed every thing to fix there marriage should just move on.

  24. joan says:

    I also have been refused. I ve been married for 8 yrs and in the past 4 years our see life as. Beeb decreasing . He hardly makes love to me always tired or waits after I ve slept b4 coming to bed. The sad thing is that we are yet to have children which we desire. He is 42 yrs and I am 36yrs. Some times I suspects he is fooling around with other women, my reason are as follows.
    1. He has his own coy, ie he can decide to close at any time
    2. He stays out late to abt 10pm to 11pm with unknown friends
    3. He does bring his friends home hence I don’t known his friends
    4. When going. Out doesn’t disclose his destination.

    Right now he sleeping while I cannot sleep because I am see starved. He initiates wen he feels like and stay for another 2 weeks or more. I noticed that when ever we make love is errection is some how week. The question is he depressed or he is cheating on me.

    1. Jay Dee says:

      Have you tried telling him how his behaviours make you feel?

  25. Anonymous says:

    All I’ve been asking for/praying for is a husband. Ex was unfaithful, twice. I so want to be married. Single Women who do not ‘put out’ are being ignored by the men in the USA. Sadly, the only ones who seem to pursue/desire marriage & contact me the most on line dating sites are Muslim men!

  26. D. Anderson says:

    I’m the guy who doesn’t want sex but it’s the opposite of what you are telling everyone here. In fact, my story completely destroys most of your assumptions. Most of my male friends have come to the same point I have in regard to sex, so much so that I feel compelled to share this in the hope that woman may understand how damaging they are to our love and sexual desire for them.

    I don’t want sex with my wife. It really disgusts me. My sex drive is fine and we are good friends that do a lot of fun things together. Really, none of the ‘reasons’ for me not wanting sex have anything to do with the blame you put on men.

    I’ve asked most of my male friends why they are also not wanting sex with their wives even though their sex drive is fully ON. The reason is the same over and over. Their wife ruins sex completely. The years and years of theirs wives sexual behavior has just made them completely unattractive sexually. Here are the most damaging behaviors in no particular order.

    1. Not being able to make adjustments for how men enjoy sex. Men bond over activities and not by sharing feelings or sensual behaviors. Most of us do our best to bring those parts of sex to the bedroom because we know that women need this. But, a completely steady diet of JUST sensuality and warm fuzzies ruins sex. It’s completely one sided and never scratches the real itch for men. There is this idea that wild, kinky sex isn’t connected sex. NOT TRUE. I can tell you that if you want your man to be 100% present during sex and fall head over heals for you over and over, the sex will be NOT good girl sex. I’m not talking about porn or threesomes… nothing that breaks any rules, but it will FEEL like porn sex. It will be athletic, kinky, feverish and often. There are a few men who actually don’t like this, but for the men that do, if they don’t get 50% of sex like this, you can bet that they are slowly checking out of the relationship because they never get to be men. You might as well remove all masculine activity from your mans life an replace it with bead jewelry making because this is what you are doing … all crafts and no football with blood and testosterone. If you don’t make it 50% sensual and 50% his kind of sex, he will begin to hate it.

    2. By not understanding that we need to be FEVERISHLY needed sexually. I’d rather have a tramp beg me for sex and not have it than have sex with my wife with that all to familiar, ‘I guess I could have sex’ attitude. My wife can shop the same rack at the same store every day for years and never act bored. There is no reason to act or feel this way about sex unless it’s laziness. Sex can have infinite variety if you just drop all the made up rules you have and try new things. If you REALLY think you have tried it all, then rotate back through. Things you haven’t done in years will feel new again. Men NEED to be highly sexually desired. Not just for you to open your legs once in a while.

    3. Most women I know and the men who talk to me openly say that there are two certainties about talking to their wife about sex. EVERYTHING is taken emotionally and offends them and their wives never change what they are doing upon request without punishing. If your man asks for you to sleep naked because he needs to be turned on by you rather than the hottie that he works with, then DO IT. Your man wants you to be the sexual interest in his life. If you don’t adjust to align with HIS hard wired sexual arousal triggers then you stand no chance of him desiring you at all let alone more than 90% of the other women he sees who instinctually do what men need to be turned on. Be willing to change and NOT punish for it.

    4. Be ready for sex BEFORE he asks for sex. Nothing turns a man off more than knowing sex was the furthest thing from your mind. We get that you are tired and busy, but you made time to shop or talk to your mom or friends for an hour or two on the phone. If you can’t prioritize sex, then we will stop wanting it with you. If you want your man to ask you for sex, then be ready as a matter of daily ritual. Wash up and brush your teeth or whatever it is you do as a nightly routine just in case. Don’t do it once and if he doesn’t ask, abandon the ritual, it’s about BEING a sexual person, not once in a blue moon being it.

    5. NEVER NEVER NEVER use sex to get your own way or punish. Men are testosterone filled fighters. Once you weaponize sex by using it against us, you set the rules that will destroy you. Men don’t do this consciously, but you can bet after you have hit him with weaponized sex, he will start to figure out that he can hit back and he will. Maybe not now, but one day when you have been too busy to be a wife and sex sucks because of the above points, some really hot woman will offer sex and he will be out of reasons to say no. All he will have left is bitterness at how one sided sex is in your favor – and this is how most men I know end up having affairs. They are so hurt and exhausted from trying to get you to simply be a wife and not some bastion of sexual purity that isn’t even biblical.

    6. Men are 99% visual. Get over it. We need something sexual to look at and we prefer it was you and not the woman who takes the time to dress nice, smell good and keep her weight in check. You don’t have to be a model but you DO have to keep your body within the range that your man finds attractive. You don’t even WANT to sleep with a man who can sleep with women they find unattractive. That man sleeps with anything and will forever. It’s actually a safety catch that men need to be visually attracted. Don’t go to work looking sexier than you do in your own bedroom or men will lust after women at work and be repulsed by the women in their bedroom. This is just common sense here.

    7. Bottom line here is that there are in fact men with low sex drives, but I have never met one. Every man I know that doesn’t have sex masturbates VERY regularly. Masturbation was never a replacement for sex early on, but because of their wife’s behavior, it is the much better choice now. They simply can’t stand how their wife views, acts and executes sex. Give in, make adjustments, be wild and have fun with sex if you don’t want your man to look at you like a pile of garbage wanting sex. You can’t turn a man off then expect him to want you.

    1. D. Anderson says:

      One more thing…

      Sex has to be often enough to come close to our libido. I can’t tell you how many women think their sex life is fulfilling at once a week or so… not to mention how skewed the actual numbers a week are compared to what really happens.

      If you have sex 2 times a week when you don’t have your period, then you don’t have sex twice a week. Men are still alive that week… you have sex 1.5 times a week in this case.

      My wife will say we have sex 3 times a week when in fact we don’t even have it 1.5 times a week. During her 3 days of actual arousal, we may have it 3 times then nothing for a month. Actually KNOW how often you aren’t having sex.

      Men measure sex by how many days they AREN’T having sex. Once a week to you is 6 days a week to him… and more importantly, if you have sex once a week, potentially, you could be 13 days without sex. The golden rule for most men is every other day at a minimum. That’s most men…

      It doesn’t matter if you have sex 22 days in a row if you follow that with a long dry spells. Dry spells may actually be the #1 reason men begin to hate sex with their wives. Yes, if I had to order these by importance, dry spells would be #1 based on my personal experience and that of the men I know.

      1. Jay Dee says:

        You’re really big on sweeping generalities, aren’t you? Considering the post, it’s amazing that managed to keep that frame.

        Where do I start? This applies to the high-drive spouse, which more often than not is the husband, but more often than you realize is the wife.
        Where do you get every other day as a general rule? We know from our surveys that 25% of husbands are happy with the current amount of sex, and that on average they are having sex 2.3 times per week, which is about one out of three days (not every other). We have others who want more who are having sex every day. There is no golden rule. I wouldn’t even say it’s most.

        And I think your view of this is highly exaggerated. I doubt there are that many high-drive men who would say they hate having sex with their wife, though I’d imagine there are a lot more low-drive men who would use that as an excuse, as many seem to be use anything as an excuse, rather than admit they don’t fit the sex-crazed male stereotype.

        1. Jack says:

          Your surveys are wrong. Or skewed at best.

          1. Jay Dee says:

            You are welcome to start your own blog and try to do better.

    2. Jay Dee says:

      Well, since you came out swinging, I’m not going to pull any punches.

      I’m the guy who doesn’t want sex but it’s the opposite of what you are telling everyone here.

      That’s quite frequent too, but not what this post is talking about.

      In fact, my story completely destroys most of your assumptions. Most of my male friends have come to the same point I have in regard to sex, so much so that I feel compelled to share this in the hope that woman may understand how damaging they are to our love and sexual desire for them.

      Not even close. Your case is not what this post was about, and so my assumptions don’t apply at all. I’m not sure you even read the post considering you seem to have completely missed the context. Your response seems a little rude and seems to be intent on undermining and minimizing a very real issue in many marriages (regardless of common issues your group of friends seem to have in their own marriages, yours included).

      I have a few issues with some of your points as well:
      Point 1) Why does sensual sex have to be for the wife and “kinky” sex have to be for the husband? I think my wife and I enjoy both just as well, and I know that’s the case in other marriages also.
      Point 2) A feverish response is a need? No, I don’t think so. I think your expectations are wrong. Stop getting sex advice from porn. Women tend to have a more responsive drive, less pro-active. It’s your job to invite her to react. You can turn “I guess I could have sex” into “Oh wow, why don’t we do that more often?” Like I said, many women (not all) are more reactive than pro-active in regards to sexual drive. Your expectations should match your wife, not someone else’s wife (or a fiction). It sort of sounds like you’ve gotten lazy and want her to do all the work. Like you expect your wife (who you admit has no interest in sex) to initiate. That’s an unreal expectation. Start with what you have and work on that. Don’t sit back and complain that it’s not perfect. You’ll never get anywhere that way.
      Point 3) Everything is taken emotionally….well…yeah. That’s how their brains work. Again, where is this unreal expectation coming from? Their emotional awareness is a huge asset. It’s your job to learn to utilize it. God knew what he was doing when he designed our brains differently (on a physical level even). While I agree, wives should be willing to change, that’s a two way street.
      Point 4) Again, women tend to be more responsive sexually than pro-active. Learn to work with it. You’re looking for an easy fix, and there is no such thing. There shouldn’t be such a thing. The effort put into marriage is what makes the marriage work and good. If we didn’t have to learn to live with our spouses, to adjust to their thinking (both ways), then marriage would be useless. Build the relationship to a certain level, and sex will follow. It sounds like you both have a lot of work to do.
      Point 5) Agreed, sex shouldn’t be used to punish. But, then you are withholding affection and attraction due to a lack of sex…so your own rules condemn you. Works both ways. Stop fighting and trying to get what you want, and live to give your spouse what they need. Then both get what they need, and a lot of what they want.
      Point 6) Need something sexual to look at? No. It helps, but not a need. You can have sex in the dark, it works fine. It’s better with the visual, but not a need. And since you said your not attracted to your wife, she’s likely picking up on that. No wonder she doesn’t want to be naked in front of you with that attitude.
      Point 7) There are many more men with low drives than you realize. Have you met one? Probably. Is he going to tell you? No. Probably not.

      Basically, your attitude sucks. I think you’re half the problem, and that’s the only half you can fix. Work on that. Let your wife work on her issues, but give her a reason to: a husband who actually wants her to improve.

      1. Deelmo says:

        Jay Dee, Thank you for response to Mr. Anderson. I almost agreed with up to my reading of point number one. Point one wasn’t that bad, sex should include some ‘fun and variety’, but it should include romance and sensual touch. Sex should be 50/50 simply because their are TWO people having sex, and BOTH persons should have their need meet. After point number one from Mr. Anderson, I agree with all your responses to him. And thank you again for calling him out on them.
        point 2 -Mr. Anderson – wives would like a ‘feverish’ response also. A lot of men won’t get up off their butt and quit watching TV or playing video games to come to bed when a wife request it. Don’t believe for minute that the wife doesn’t KNOW she’s being ‘ranked’. Why would she then turn around and give you a ‘feverish’ response when she knows you only want it when you want it, how you want it, where you want it, and only IF you want it.
        Point 6 – Mr. Anderson – men and women were having sex long before there was anything to ‘look at’. They only looked at each other. Hygiene goes both ways. And what about a man’s ‘pot belly’?. Do you really think a pot belly/beer gut is attractive to a woman? Do you really coarse facial hair is attractive? Do you even think that a wife could possibly be attractive to a husband who watches porn, ogles women, dwells over lingerie adds in the Sunday paper? How about the man that chews his food with his mouth open? Or barks orders at his family like they are something akin to servants for him? You need to look at the WHOLE picture. Being healthy is good. Beyond that, being GODLY should come first. God is concerned with what is in our hearts, not our looks.

        1. Jay Dee says:

          I don’t think I understand your argument on point #1. We seem to be in agreement as far as I can tell.

    3. Butterflywings says:

      Well D Anderson, I hate to sink your theory, but my husband is one of those men you haven’t met. I am the one who actively pursues him, is always ready, etc. All the things you say a woman should do, are the things I do. It hasn’t made him interested in sex. He has been like this our entire marriage. He hasn’t started choosing masturbation instead of sex. In fact, since I stopped pursuing him as much, he has wanted sex more, not less.

      Not all men are the same. Some just aren’t the testosterone filled fighters you talk about.

      You say men don’t like the “I guess I could have sex” attitude… do you know how many times I have heard that from my husband? I’d say 99% of the times we have sex. I guess it’s better than the “I don’t really feel like it” which I hear more often.

  27. Vic says:

    I need help, please, has anyone found something that works for their marriage? My husband is like my best friend but without benefits. We spend lots of time together, but not romantic/sexual. He says he loves me and is turned on by me, but refuses to have sex, or touch me and doesn’t like me to touch him. I am open to almost anything if he would want to. I would do anything or change anything if he told me to. I am so confused i love him so much and i don’t want anyone else. Is he just tired of me, is our marriage over?

    1. Jay Dee says:

      Does he give any reasons? Have you checked his testosterone levels?

  28. Ronnie says:

    This is so dishearting because there doesn’t seem to be any solutions with happy endings. I waited 46 years to finally get a husband and soulmate, and he doesn’t want me sexually. The sex part isn’t even the major thing for me. It’s the lack of intimacy that hurts me so bad. He doesn’t kiss me, doesn’t touch me, or doesn’t have any reaction to me naked. He is uncomfortable when I touch him. I’m just a glorified roommate. It’s so humiliating. Over the years I have changed my hair, wardrobe, and lost weight, I’m now smaller than I was before we met. I have been the aggressor, and I have been the submissive. He stopped penatration with me about three years ago. But he would still give my breasts attention with his hands and mouth, and he would always bring me to orgasam manually and orally, the few times we were intimate. But all breast and oral stopped a year ago, and I have only had orgasam once. When I go down on him, he just lays there. Doesn’t touch me, or make noise. We are very compatible outside the bedroom, and we enjoy being together. But I didn’t get married to have a roommate buddy. I’m kind of hoping menopause would hurry and come so I would lose interest in sex.

    1. golfwidow says:

      Ronnie I wish I could say that menopause would dampen your libido it possibly may not,
      Menopause ramped mine up greatly.
      May I ask if you and you husband have talked about this, sought counselling would he be willing to have his hormone levels checked at the Doctors?

  29. Low Drive Myth says:

    I won’t speak for all men but I can speak for myself. I do not have any desire for my wife and there is a very simple explanation. I resent her sexually. For years I gave and gave, foreplay was me doing everything. If my wife would spend equal time on me in foreplay then I would be interested. I have told her how I feel and nothing changes. She told me she is just not there yet, and this is after almost 20 years of marriage. When will she be ready? I kept giving for years thinking she would eventually give back. I have done more housework, I share the cooking, for a couple of years I even took on all of the grocery shopping. I listened to the advice that if you meet your spouses needs they will meet yours. It’s just not true.
    I have a very high drive, but very low desire for her sexually. Why would I want to have sex with someone who makes it all about them?

    1. Jay Dee says:

      I think this is a very different scenario than what the post was discussing, but I’ll address it anyways. I have a couple of thoughts.
      First off, my wife was the same way. It took at least 5 years for her to “be there”. It’s not 20 years, granted, but I have a taste of what that is like.
      However, I think your attitude is off. You are giving so that you will receive. This isn’t giving of yourself unconditionally, this is giving to get. You describe a contract, not a covenant. It’s all “I’m doing this, and she isn’t living up to her end of the bargain”. What if you shifted your attitude to give, not to receive, but just because you love her unconditionally?

      Frankly, she may not turn around, but I can guarantee you’ll learn to be happier, regardless of the circumstance if you change your attitude.

      So, why would you want to have sex with your wife? Because you love her and want to show her that…even though she’s having trouble returning that affection.

      1. Low Drive Myth says:

        I agree that giving to get is not the right way to go about it, and I am trying to work through this. I should have explained that it was not that way at first. It was several years before I started to notice that she had never once really touched me in a sexual way. So I started giving thinking I was not being giving enough. I have asked without demanding and I asked using all of the non blaming techniques I could.
        Unfortunately I have resigned myself to giving up on having a satisfying sex life. She has even gone so far as to say that when I ask for something it makes her not want to give it because it wasn’t her idea.

        1. Alan K says:

          it was not that way at first…

          Ah, yes. Things cooled a bit as time wore on? You’re not alone there, my friend. Countless men have hit this bump in the road.

          So I started giving [more] thinking I was not being giving enough.

          And then, you responding by trying to ‘sweeten the deal’ with her by behaving in a thoughtful and generous fashion? This is all very typical of modern men (myself included) and it has predictable effects. You cite this immediately afterward…

          She has even gone so far as to say that when I ask for something it makes her not want to give it because it wasn’t her idea.

          And here we have a winner! Notice the portion that I set in bold type. This is her God-given, reflexive nature in operation. I honestly doubt that she wants it (most anything of a sexual nature)to be ‘her idea’ at all. Bear in mind that it is very difficult for a woman to come straight out and say, “Just take me, you fool. I already married you, so please act on my previously granted consent!”

          I understand that my blunt assertion will irritate modern sensibilities, but there it is. I’ve been down this road and looked into the scriptures to identify my misapprehension–and correct it. Simply put: men, love your wives; women reverence your husbands. (Ephesians 5:33 and other versus) Love and reverence are not identical in either meaning or execution.

          1. Jay Dee says:

            I think I wrote a post about this once…oh yes, here it is.

      2. Alan K says:

        I think this is a very different scenario than what the post was discussing…

        Care to elaborate/clarify, Jay Dee? Apart from the obvious switch from one sex to the other, of course. Husbands generally do want their wives to show some desire or enthusiasm. I can see numerous parallels to the original post topic, though, you might wish to address this separately. House rules apply!

        FWIW, giving of oneself does not always bring about the expected or desired result; sometimes we need to understand more about the situation and behave in a counter-intuitive manner to make it all work properly.

        Certainly, LDM might need a different approach to trigger a different response. I am quick to acknowledge that women are responsive creatures and can’t or won’t echo a man’s tendency to initiate or demonstrate strong desire. Nonetheless, the pain is real and similar to a wife’s yearning for intimate ‘acceptance’ of her efforts and appeal–and appetites.

        1. Jay Dee says:

          The intent of this post, and perhaps I missed, was to address the issue of wives who have husbands who break the stereotype by not wanting sex, by being low-drive or no-drive.

          But the LDM is not someone who has no or low drive. His desire was there originally, it has left due to relationship issues. But, I agree, it would be a good post topic.

          1. Anonymous says:

            Jay, I think you will be hard pressed to find a man that had a low sex drive right from the start, unless he has medical issues or has messed up his brain with porn. The wast mayority of men who have a low sex drive, specially in marriages of 15 years or up, are men who have given up, turned off their sexdrive because they’ve been rejected so much or just feel disrespected by their wives. Another factor is, I believe, that men (specially Christian men) have been made to feel guilty for their sexuallity. No christian man wants to be labelled as sexcrazy by his wife, so he will constantly suppress his sexdrive to not cause issues. You do that long enough and by the time she wakes up sexually, he’s lost it.

            1. Jay Dee says:

              Oh, I disagree entirely. I think there are cases where this happens, certainly, but I’ve met plenty of men who have lower drives and it’s nothing their wife has done. On the contrary, their wives desperately want to have more sex and the husband has never been interested. Many of them lament the lack of sex on their honeymoon even.

              1. Anonymous says:

                Yes, but why? They’ve been looking at porn for most of their teens and early 20s and specially honeymoon sex is nothing like porn, nor should it be. I know you have your surveys that tell a story up to a certain point, but they don’t tell all of it. Yes, I agree that there are men that have low or no sex drive, but even those can be enticed to become sexual with their wife, even men who have same sex tendencies. (That’s a whole other topic though).
                I would urge you though, to consider the men in this thread of comments, who have given up, and the reasons why they did so. They are not all the same. I bet you if you sat down with all of these people that are commenting here, men and women, and truly listened to their stories, you would find very few who just never had much of a sex drive. It may be that they had a low drive from the beginning of their marriage, but what were the life experiences before that, that contributed to it. And how mindful are their spouses of these things.
                I was one of those young men, that grew up with a raging sex drive. Committed to the Lord and to waiting with sex till marriage, I married my high-school sweetheart shortly after high school. Turned out her dad had sexually abused her for most of her childhood and any sexual advances on my part, to her were a continuation of abuse. Needles to say, I learned to turn off my sex drive over the next 10 years. Unfortunately she had no problem experimenting sexually with other men. After a divorce and remarriage a few years later, to a wonderful women, who I would still die for any day, what do you think was my biggest challenge? That’s right, refusal! When ever I hear a wife say that she has never refused sex to her husband, I think she is “Wonder Woman”. Because real life shouldn’t be like that. Every man should be turned down every now and then. That’s only realistic. But, while I don’t agree with allot of D. Andersons 7. Points and specially his attitude, I agree that to a man with a high sex drive, married to a once a week women, life seems more like 6 days a week of struggle. Soon you start to think back of the days when you were single, stayed away from porn and just kept your sex drive turned off. But here we are, 15 years later, finding that life would be much easier just as roommates, enjoying great companionship and a wonderful family without the hassles and stresses of a sexual relationship.

                1. Jay Dee says:

                  I think your experience is skewing your perception of reality. I believe there are far more “lower drive” husbands than you think. I’ve heard too many of their stories to believe otherwise. You only see the survey data, but my inbox is full of the experiences you say I should listen to. Occasionally they paint the picture you are, but only rarely.

  30. NewlyWed says:

    Hi, I’m recently married. My Husband was a high school jock with a new gf every week type guy. I met him after college and he had settled down some. He was my first Boyfriend so it was quite different between the two of us. We just celebrated our 2nd month being married; when we were first dating he told me he wanted a marriage where there wasnt a void in our sexual side of our marriage. Well, after getting married and settling into our day to day lives. It feels like his sex drive is gone. Being newly weds, you would probably think we would do it every night or at least a couple times a week… Its been almost 2 weeks since we last made love. When ever theres rejection it feels like he doesnt find me attractive anymore, or he just doesnt want to do it. I dont know what to think. I spend time looking at myself thinking have I grown ugly, am I not attractive. It hurts. Because I feel like I am being rejected. I have even asked him, and he just says, “I just dont feel like it right now.” Or when I try to initiate he says “Dont.” I know he isnt doing it to make me mad or upset me. He just doesnt know what it feels like to be rejected. I just am looking for some answers or what I should do.

    1. ellery says:

      I’m very much in the same boat, NewlyWed. I’ve been married for 14 months now, and my husband just hasn’t ever been interested in sex with me. He was very sexually active before we met, but I was (and did) wait for marriage, so he had to slow down a bit. Instead he just … shut off. I have tried everything I can think of — lingerie, offering all sorts of different sex acts, sleeping naked, kissing him, asking…. We have never, even once, had sex when I initiated. He said he can’t “force” himself to do it, so if he’s not in the mood, we can’t have sex. And he also told me (about 3 months after we were married), that he just didn’t have any “honeymoon feelings” about me.

      I have gone through everything you’re going through. The first 9 months of my marriage, I could barely look at myself in the mirror without bursting into tears. I felt (and still kinda do) hideous and unattractive and undesirable and unloved. I still can’t go to Victoria’s Secret without nearly having a panic attack. And I cried pretty much daily for the first year. It’s gotten better the last couple of months just because I’ve worked at adjusting my thinking and letting go of a lot of expectations about being loved. Still working on it, I guess, because I do occasionally hunt up blogs like this, hoping there’s a magic bullet that I can use to fix the situation or at least understand it.

  31. Ammy says:

    We’ve been married 47 years and he has never wanted me! We had sex once and that was the last time, he said it was gross,vile disgusting, messy, smelly not worth the effort or time involved. He go nothing out of it, I guess he thought that’s what married people do. He told sex will never happen again, and it hasn’t. He moved to our basement and starting working the midnight shift, he did that for 40 years. He didn’t want to be near me, I became so depressed, angry and I actually hated him and I still do.
    Every one told me he was gay or had some thing on the side, guys wanted sex but not mine I had him followed many times and all these people told me I wasted my money on a boring person.
    I’m in my late 60’s now and spent my life on trying to figure him out, I kick my self every day for not moving on. I’ve now had a hysterectomy and sex is the last thing on my mind . I’m like him now no sex and the hate for men is still there. I’ve been so stupid !!!!!!

  32. Tired of Crying says:

    My husband and I have been married for 31 years. Our marriage has defeated several obstacles. He received at liver transplant for a genetic issue almost 14 years ago and has had no difficulty with rejection fortunately and takes 2 anti-rejection medications twice daily. He is now diabetic on three oral medication daily as well as thyroid medication and two blood pressure medications one of which is used as a diuretic. We have not been intimate sexually in well over 9 months with the frequency prior being less than monthly. It may have been longer I quit counting a long time age. We have used toys designed for him as well as myself in the past and they worked somewhat. We never had a “strong” sexual connection and reading your blog today has helped me see some of my past mistakes as well as his.

    I write this because the last two nights have been difficult. We talked last night and he is totally uninterested in sex with me which he says is because of the medications.. I understand that it probably is because of his medical conditions and the medications but as I explained it to him (probably badly) it makes me feel unwanted. I can’t help it. I don’t want to put any burden on him. I don’t want to feel this way. I don’t want him to feel like he is failing me. And yet I need an outlet. I need to feel wanted. And I appreciate that you “don’t mind long rants” as this is difficult to speak as I don’t have many friends and the only girlfriend I would speak to about sexual things is herself a person who does refuse.

    I understood many years ago that my sex libido and his were not on the same wave length. He was satisfied with once a month or less and 85% of the time it was on my initiation unless it was on my birthday or our anniversary. It took a long time for me to come to terms with this, but time has a way with healing all things and helping one to understand to accept things as they are not as you would wish them to be. I have always held the thought that a person’s perception on an issue is their reality on said issue. I perceive his inability to want me sexually as my failure to be someone who is attractive sexually. That is my reality and yet while in essence it is true to me it is also a huge fallacy according to my husband whose arguments I fully understand and support. He is not and never has been and overly affectionate person. He has never touched me in what I consider to be a loving or unloving manner outside of the daily hug and peck goodbye but he does not show outward affection to others either. Did I want his affectionate touches, longing glances, and passionate kisses, for him to stoke my hair or grab my hand because he just had to touch me? Yes. But I also knew that I loved him as he was and that I could deal with that because he always made me understand that he loved me. I still understand it in my head but for some reason this is hurting beyond what I can seem to tolerate…..my heart hurts.

    So why is this bothering me so very badly? Why now? What do I expect will ever be different? This is just the newest hurdle in my track meet. Another obstacle to overcome. Another diatribe that allows me to somewhat express myself but at what cost. I injured him last night by trying to communicate how I felt. Now I feel like it is my fault. Like I am the one with the problem and perhaps that is true. Yes I have prayed for a lower level of desire one more in keeping with his. But God must have a purpose for me I don’t yet comprehend.

    How does a person lead a fulfilling life when they feel they are with someone who no longer wants them? I do not know. But I do know that it is my insecurities that have lead me here. Those insecurities lead me to search “How to make my husband want me.” which lead me to your blog. Reading your blog helped me to understand that I am not alone in this and that maybe there is help. I will ask the doctor about possible test for testosterone but when we tried the ED medications they really did not help so this may be the rest of my life and would be best to accept it. Typing this has been cathartic. I still do not understand how I will see my way through this or how I will be changed by it. I would hope that it is a test that I will see though and come out stronger for. Thank you for a place to “rant”

    1. Jay Dee says:

      I’m glad it helped.

      I don’t know why now. I don’t know if things will change. I do know that improving your relationship with God will give you the strength to continue though.

      I pray the tests go well.

      Oh, and you’re not wrong to share that you are feeling unwanted. It’s a marriage. You should be able to express your deepest feelings with your husband. I’m sorry he’s not at a point where he feels he needs to care for your sexual relationship. We’ll be praying he grows in this way, and for your strength.

      1. Tired of Crying says:

        Thank You for your prayers.

    2. Her says:

      I am also a ‘rejected one’. I have cried over a few of these posts, reading my life, as it were. I am 32, in my second marriage, married for 3 years. We have been separated for 1 year now. The first 2 years not good to bad real quick. He rejected me the 2nd night of our marriage. I felt so unloved. He continued to reject me. I would find browsing history of a pornographic nature from time to time. He always denied when I actually did confront him.When we had se, We usually had it on his terms & he wasn’t concerned if I climaxed. I was most often left ‘just there’ & he would be done, tired, not interested in ‘finishing’ me. The ultimate rejection was when he refused to even let me kiss him on the cheek & that was AFTER he stopped having sex with me altogether. Without rehashing any more past history, I have learned, BECAUSE of this rejection, that I equate sex with love… I equate sex with physical attractiveness. ..I equate sex with being valued & worthy… That I wasn’t willing to take my intensely deep pain of soul, my oozing, raw wounds, my sense of utter wretchedness, my complete hatred self & lay it before The One Who loves me purely, truly, completely. Once I became willing, I began begging God to satisfy me sexually. He created the need in me. He gave me this drive. God promised that He would satisfy my desires with good things so that my youth would be renewed like the eagles. He is good & He has satisfied me more intimately than sex ever could. I just have to keep giving the sexual desires over to Him every time they crop up. I acknowledge that I wish it was my husband, but I am immensely grateful I serve a God Who cares about me in all ways. And when we are with Him in glory there will be no need for physical intimacy because He will satisfy us completely, perfectly. That is a part of what physical intimacy represents in marriage: our desire for that physical, spiritual, emotional, relational satisfaction that we will experience perfectly with our Lord, but imperfectly with our spouses. I am waiting on the Lord, praying He does what He needs to do to get my husband’s attention, praying against Satan’s work in my husband’s life, praying my husband chooses Christ. That’s what it all comes down to: choice. My husband needs to choose humility if we are ever going to have a true marriage. He then needs to choose selflessness. Just as I do. If he doesn’t choose the Lord’S way, I know that my lack of sexual fulfillment on this earth is temporary. When I am with Jesus, I won’t ever have that aching desire again. I will be completely satisfied.

  33. Roxy says:

    Ive been married to my husband for 14 years and he will only have sex four times to nine times a year. we never made it to 12 a year yet. Everything else in our relationship is amazing but I am so angry that he doesn’t desire me, sometimes I rather be dead. Whats the point of any of it, if my husband ignores me. He works a lot, but also volunteers a lot. Really hurts my feelings.

  34. Alone says:

    My husband and I have been married less than a year.
    We have sex up to twice a month. He used to say it was because I never initiated and he didn’t want to bother me, so I started initiating about 6 months ago. I stopped initiating last month because I ALWAYS got a refusal. Never a reason, just a no.
    I am now considering divorce. I have tried everything- being seductive, losing weight, discussing it, making him my world… Nothing helps.
    I know he loves me. But I need him to want me too.

  35. unhappy me says:

    my husband never wants sex its heartbreaking for me he wont even let me touch him
    i tried lastnight he yelles dont and leave it ok i asked why all i got was leave it alone

    we rte down to once every 3 months even then its rubbish he never touches me ever refuses oral sex says the very thought makes him vomit
    he wont even kiss me
    is he gay? he is not having an affair
    the excuses range from tired to sick to not i mood
    help

  36. Pingback: Sex ?’s Answered–Part 1 (of 3) | MomSanity
  37. Trackback: Sex ?’s Answered–Part 1 (of 3) | MomSanity
  38. Jack says:

    Most common reason for a husband refusing his wife is he’s tired of being controlled by his wife in the bedroom.

    1. Jay Dee says:

      I disagree. I think that’s a fairly small percentage.

  39. Norah says:

    I have been really praying about not getting bitter with this in my life. My heart is really heavy. I’m not refused in the cliche way of no sex but I’m constantly hit with “your drive is higher than mine, I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I don’t want to do that, I can’t do it in a hotel someone will see us,” then when he tries to do it in hotel he is so parnoid it’s a waste of my time. Im the leader in the bedroom and the prayer room. I get so tired of making love on a Saturday and automatically thinking I’ll wait another 3 days to even approach him with to see if he wants. When I’m the one pushing sex coming up with new things he takes a back seat and says my drive is gone. After months of hearing it and yes we have been here before. I give up. Then he says why don’t you want to any more. And I’m about there again. He can do whatever he wants. I’m tired of feeling like a freak or unicorn in regards to sex. Do you know how it makes me feel when I feel like I’m throwing myself at my own husband. I’m not some lonely, cheap, desperate women in need of any man. I will give up before I beg. I just want my man to work for what he’s a ready got. Am I not worth fighting for? It’s like why should he have to try to work for it when I do all the work. Maybe God has brung this to me again to work on bitterness, resentful, unforgiveness, in my heart when I didn’t know it w as there. After all Benjamin didn’t know the cup was in his sack until it was revealed. (Good story in Genisis) I will pray for us all.

    1. Kay says:

      Same story here, a little different but seems to similar on a few.

  40. Kay says:

    I am 29 years old. I have the rejection constantly with any form of intimacy. I would have sex 24/7 if my hubby wanted me. I can’t tell you how horribly heart breaking…agonizing this rejection of all types of intimacy is. It is not a me problem, but it is a He problem! His heart is not fully submitted to God or me. I am a very passive and passionate person who has tons of mercy. I love him through every part of my heart and mind. I blame this world on what the world/other men have taught our men all around to be….sad! I can only give it to God and fight in prayer. He has however recently recommitted his heart to Jesus!! Only time…God’s not mine will show.

    1. Kay says:

      To add….He has admitted to me and other people he speaks with on marriage that he has rejected me a ton. Too much and he is sorry. I know sexual sin has been a big problem since he was 12. He since recently of recommit to Christ since Sept has not had a fall except once…and he came to me with that and it was to me with masturbation with self while I slept. I know when he is lying and thanked him for being truthful. He felt the conviction of solo and repented that next morn as soon as he awake. But, we have huge amounts of unresolved pain and hurt that need to be addressed and worked through together….he has trouble here. When it is someone else’s hurt that he has done. I want so badly to be able to address these issues together, lovingly and apply the biblical principles of marriage together. I have vocalized how much I need him to want me. How I want him to touch me, look at me, desire me. Bedroom is he is selfish when it comes to holding, touching etc. He is like the female “stereo type” of longing to have affection and be held. I get left in the dust there and have spoke about it. He thinks I am strong enough to handle his selfishness there..I did say this should be mutually done. I am a very affectionate person in all intimate ways and very understanding…not selfish at all. Pray for my husband and I brothers and sisters in Christ. Thank you!

  41. Anonymous says:

    Reading these comments, I feel so sad that so many other women are going through the hurt and rejection that I’m feeling, and also glad that I’m not alone. I don’t know how to talk to anyone about what I’m going through because I feel so ashamed that my husband doesn’t want me. My sex drive has always been as high or higher than my husbands, but since we married less than a year ago, I am the only one who initiates sex and most of the time I’m refused. I feel so rejected and hurt and confused. I have spent so many nights sitting up while he is sleeping, reading dubious online advice about all the things I might be doing wrong, and how I can make myself more attractive, or be more seductive. All that it’s achieved is to just make me feel bad about myself. My sex drive has plummeted, I feel bad about my body and my appearance, I’ve gained weight. I miss that part of our relationship so much. It really does feel like grieving.

  42. Sweetz says:

    My husband’s sex drive is driven exclusivly by porn and fantasy for other women…whatever hottie that walks into his store. He will then come home and initiate fantasy sex with her USING me. He only wants the forbidden, the perverse, and anything/anyone that he should not have…meaning, tada! anal sex and other women. I gave up trying to seduce him when I figured out that the only way he “wanted” me was AFTER he had revved himself up first with looking at or talking to OTHER women. Nope…I am not fat or ugly. He makes me sick now…after 10 years of him making me feel like an ugly appliance.

    He has always been this way, and he is 63 now, hiding behind a Christian mask is a lascivious predator. He cheated on his first wife (beautiful sweet woman…and yes, submissive) just like his father did to his mother, tried to get sexual with his own 17yr old daughter (who then became VERY promiscous) just like his father did to his sister which ended his first marriage, and I caught him in a full blown EA last year that he was trying hard to turn into a PA. We are FINISHED. THANKS PORN…and thanks DAD. Oh btw, did I mention that he is a Bible thumping Christian?…yeah, right.

  43. Anonymous says:

    I’ve been married 3 years now. I could count on my hands without running out of fingers how many times I’ve been intimate with my husband… I search for answers incognito on Google… Every day I worry, is it my attitude? Is it my looks? Can I fix it? He’s loving enough, tells me I’m brave, tells me I’m strong. Sometimes though, I just need to hear that I’m beautiful. That he wants me as a woman…

  44. Dan says:

    From a guy’s perspective……. Sorry, but I don’t have answers for all of you but I do have some thoughts that may apply to some of you.

    First: It probably isn’t your fault gals, for anything you’ve done, except perhaps the possibility that you may have made your husband feel sexually inadequate because he can’t keep up. Male ego is huge in the bedroom department and when a guy feels he has failed in that department, he may choose to shut down and shut it out of his mind……and not even try, for fear of being emasculated further than he already feels. Please let your man be a man and wear the pants in the family. Otherwise, you’re going to have problems between the sheets.

    Second: Has anyone thought that perhaps your husband has a problem requiring the attention of a psychologist or psychiatrist? This is especially true of those of you who experience satisfying sex and foreplay before marriage, and then after marriage it falls on its face. The problem could be deep within the psyche of your man. He may have been having the time of his life “playing around” with his girlfriend before marriage, yet when he married her, she SOMEHOW became his mother. The “somehow” is what needs to be sorted out, as this is an aberration to healthy sexually development.

    Third: Your guy (especially if he’s over 40) may have hormonal issues. Blood tests should probably be done to determine that maybe it is his fault, but there isn’t anything he can do about it without drug therapy intervention.

    Fourth: Some of you may have to face the fact that your man may be more gay than hetero. This certainly doesn’t apply to the majority here I’m sure, but it probably does apply to some.

    Fifth: It has been my experience that the vast majority of women constantly fault themselves for not being attractive to their men when something goes wrong in the bedroom. As a man, I can tell you this is usually WAY DOWN THE LIST from what the real reasons usually are. So, stop butchering yourselves over something that isn’t likely to be the real problem at all.. It is more likely your (or even his) perception of your lack of attractiveness is a simple, convenient excuse to what is REALLY going on.

    Sixth: Two glasses of wine will not make you (or your man) falling down drunk, but it might loosen things up a bit. It sure helps to make #7 below more achievable.

    Seventh: It has also been my experience that many women, especially well brought up, upstanding women are usually dull as dishwater in the bedroom department. This doesn’t mean you have to be a perverted prostitute to get your man’s interest, but please spice it up every once in awhile. Maybe for your husband’s birthday, you get him a card and write inside “one free massage by me.” With both of you nude and towels on the bed, take some made for the occasion massage oil and start on his back with you straddling him, then roll him over and work on his front side……finally ending up where he needs the most attention. A bit of oral skill might be helpful as well as using your hands aggressively. My wife did this to me and while I was on my back, she used my “rear cheeks” to have a great time for herself as she used her full body to massage me……boy was that sexy! Oh yes…..please be vocal about your pleasure…..we men love that…..it really stokes our furnace. IN OTHER WORDS, try once a month to be adventurous with something unexpected. BE SURE you show him how much he makes you happy between the sheets. And remember, the male ego is very fragile.

    Hope my testosterone perspective is helpful to some of you.

    1. Jay Dee says:

      Alright, I believe you were trying to be helpful, but man did you ever manage to do it in an insulting way. In short, you response seems to be:
      1) It’s not your fault, but it is because you didn’t let your husband lead.
      2) Your husband might have psychological problems.
      3) Might be hormone issues (this, I think, is probably the most likely in the majority of cases).
      4) Your husband might be gay
      5) You might be ugly, but that’s not the problem
      6) Your probably boring in bed

      Frankly, your response is astounding, given which post you responded to… I was tempted to delete it, because I’m afraid it will hurt wives. But, I then decided to publicly denounce it instead, hoping that will do more good than harm.

      I get so many emails from so many wives who try everything, who are beautiful, who have taken steps to learn to be sexually attractive, adventurous, tigresses in the bedroom. Yet, they are constantly refused, or cheated on. These are the women this post was for. That half of your comments were saying it’s the wife’s fault, and 2 more could be interpreted that way (you picked a mentally unstable or gay spouse) is incredibly insensitive I find.

      1. Butterflywings says:

        Sorry can I just jump in and say “psychological problems” does not equal mentally unstable. Some men, like some women, have been sexually abused. Having a sexual psychological problem does not make the person mentally unstable. It may mean they are mentally injured, but injured and unstable are nothing alike. Considering the stats in western countries are something like 1 in 4 females and 1 in 7 males have been sexually assaulted in some way before the age of 18, I don’t think most people realise just how many psychosexually injured people there are out there.

    2. Butterflywings says:

      So Dan what you’re saying sounds like:

      1 – if a woman wants sex and her husband doesn’t, she just not say anything and pretend she isn’t into sex because liking sex emasculates a man?

      2 – that women are stupid and can’t tell when a man needs professional help and it’s up to the woman to force men to get professional psychological help even when the man is adamant his lack of desire is completely normal and it’s the woman that needs the professional help for wanting sex more than a few times a year.

      3 – again, that women are stupid and can’t tell when their husband has a hormone problem and they should just force their husbands to get tested even when their husbands are adamant there lack of desire is completely normal and that the mere suggestion that they have a testosterone issue is an “insult to their manhood”. And if by some miracle, the man actually finally goes and get tested and is found to have abysmally low levels, again it must be up to the woman to force him to get treatment when he insists that low testosterone is unimportant (even though it’s causing his sleep apnoea, night terrors, severe depression and anxiety, bone density loss, and he is on the verge of losing his job and his home because he keeps missing work due to the exhaustion from the apnoea and the lack of motivation from depression and anxiety) and that his wife is a sex obsessed pervert for wanting him to get it treated.

      4 – I’m sorry but ultimately it doesn’t matter if a guy is more gay than straight. If he’s a christian and he’s married, he has a sexual duty to his wife. Women are constantly told to “fake it til you make it” when it comes to sex – it’s about time men manned up and realise they have the same duty as women to provide sex to their spouse if they take their faith seriously.

      5 – If that were the case, why do so many men use looks as a reason to cheat on their wives? the reality is for SOME men, their wife’s looks do matter. yes it means they are shallow and need to man up, but sometimes sadly there is no “underlying issue” other than the poor woman married an immature jerk (not her fault though as some men hide it really well).

      6 – sounds great? too bad if your husband doesn’t drink at all. Mine does but rarely has more than one. And whether he has one or two or three, as soon as he lays down, he falls asleep. Even after I’ve tried initiating sex. Alcohol puts someone to sleep, especially when they have low testosterone that is causing sleep apnoea.

      7 – For those of us who only get sex once a month at best, you’re talking about being adventurous every time…. while I personally wouldn’t mind, there are some women out there who do mind. But most of us who this post applies to, have already tried that. Not all men like oral – some men actually hate it physically, others (eg some former porn addicts) dislike it because it triggers memories of their addiction etc. Some men don’t like to be massaged, or others don’t find even sensual massage to be sexual in any way (or again, simply fall asleep). Then you get the men who actually don’t like adventure in the bedroom. Just as some women like sex plain and simple, there are some men who like their sex plain and simple too. Sadly I’m married to one of those guys. He likes it one way only, he tolerates it a second way, beyond that, he’s simply not interested. He has aspergers, he despises change. even the slightest change to how we have sex can put him off continuing. It sucks as I’d love to be adventurous.

      oh and I’ll add 8 – many women are well aware of how fragile the male ego is unfortunately (just look at my husband and the whole “mere suggestion of low testosterone is an insult to a guy’s manhood” thing). So as a result, they praise their husbands in bed before, during and after sex. I tell my husband constantly he’s fantastic in bed. (which is actually true on the rare occasions we have sex. I mean, I’d love more adventure and more sex, but when we have sex, what he does do, he is very good at). I constantly tell my husband how amazing he is at sex in the desperate hope that it will be the inspiration he needs to do more of it. The theory being knowing he is good at something usually leads him to do more of that thing – unfortunately that hasn’t worked in practice in the area of sex.

      As Jay Dee said, a woman can be do everything right – she can be good looking, adventurous in bed, submissive out of the bedroom, do everything a guy wants, and yet none of that be good enough. If a guy is gay or has a testosterone issue or a psychological issue – none of those are the woman’s fault and it’s not a valid excuse by the guy either. Testosterone issues and psychological issues can be treated, and it’s up to the man to try and fix it (and most of those issues can be fixed). And if he’s gay? well he shouldn’t have got married then – and since it’s too late to be unmarried (getting a divorce is not the same as being unmarried), then he has a duty to fulfill to his wife and needs to learn to satisfy his wife.

      Sorry but I’m so over excuses for men who deprive their wives of a proper marriage by depriving them of sex. I’ve never met a refuser with a genuine excuse for it. Every single refuser (male or female) that I’ve met, their issue comes back to one thing – they are selfish, they have one or more sexual problems and are too lazy and selfish to try and fix those problems. Even a eunoch can learn to satisfy a woman if he wanted to.

  45. M says:

    It does hurt to be a “rejected” wife. It threatens your confidence in all other areas of your life and even challenges your faith. I am 50, my husband 52. Married 4 years. My 2nd marriage. His first. Lots of passion while dating 2.5 years. Tried to remain pure while dating, but failed at times. Difficult first year of marriage. Not sure entirely why. I know the fact that he was single all that time made it difficult. Truth is I realized he had commitment issues while dating. He would push me away in various ways, I would break up with him and he would pursue me again. I got tired of the cycle and was going to move away to end it for good, and then he proposed. He was a young christian then, and God has matured him allot.

    Our relationship is actually great and better all the time, except for intimacy. He is affectionate, but rarely initiates. We only have sex about once every two months. At the beginning of our marriage, I would initiate. But not now. It hurts to much to be rejected. It has affected me even affectionately. I don’t cuddle up to him so much anymore. It is easier to do something that needs to be done in the house, than to sit next to him hopping for the cuddles and kisses that lead somewhere. He does give some kisses and cuddles and occasionally suggest dates. But even these are often disappointing to me, as again they don’t seem to lead anywhere. So all the usual romantic trappings are not as enjoyable and relaxing as they should be for me. I have gotten somewhat used to it. I used to be upset about it most of the time. I still do get intensely upset about it, but not all the time. It seems like now I have become so accustomed to it, that I want sex to put us back on target, not just for sex. It is as if I can not let my normal drive really come back to life. It’s there I know, but buried, so I can handle all this.

    I really am in love with my husband, and this is sad, as I was not in my first marriage. Unfortunately in my first I married young and just to be with someone, not for love. I lacked confidence. Even though I was a Christian, it is only in the last six years I have really began to understand God’s love for me. And I am seeing his goodness in so many areas. It makes me sad that the lack of sex seems to mock what a blessing I believe this marriage is. It is so good to be in love and be married. I know my husband loves me as well. What is also sad is that because of my lack of self-confidence and my lack of attraction to my first husband, whom I was married to for 23 years, I never enjoyed sex much. That is until the last few years of my first marriage, I started to change as a person, feeling more confident. But it was only sex, I still did not feel romantic towards him. I had a few single years, and went a little wild for a woman who was conservative and christian all her life. In any case, I discovered, I actually had a high sex drive, so I was so happy to think I could have it as much as I wanted and really enjoy it and feel that I was a real woman in marriage and in love. Fantastic idea right! I thought that once my husband made the commitment, he would have tackled his commitment fears and God was going to come shining though. Then during that rough first year of adjustment, once over, I thought it might change again. No still an issue.

    We won’t have sex in heaven, and I believe God did create it to be enjoyed in marriage, so why not. It is so disappointing, and as I mentioned, sometimes it just cast such a dark shadow on everything. My husband has been tested and testosterone levels are fine. A recent doctor said it may have to do with his snoring. While we talk about only here and there, it seems I never get any real answers. I believe it is because he does not know. I do still wonder about the commitment issues. I have read a little about them, and I know it happens within a marriage as well. It could be that when we first married, he tried to still push me away. I suppose when it did not work and God got to him, he stopped with that, but maybe he hides his sexuality as a way of keeping that distance. It is strange to think that true, because I don’t sense any remaining barriers between us. Yes that may be his last stance, but to go this far, it seems like he would let that go as well. No he is not gay. No he does not masturbate. No he does not look at porn. It just seems shut off. When he does initiate, all things are fine. However, they are good romantically in terms of sex. I would like plus some less romantic. He actually goes to a men’s group that works on healthy Christian marriages. It has helped allot. He tells me that they have told him that he needs to initiate more and how important it is. But he has not done it more. They also imply romantically as well in terms of outings and kisses during a normal day and the like. I wish he would just skip the date and pull me into the bedroom. He will say he wants to spend time with me but it is while doing something else. He might say later today I want to spend time with you or tomorrow, etc… Allot of times however, it is me asking when and he will give a general window. But it is all talk. I know he wants to mean it, but sometimes I feel as if I am being manipulated. I myself even have anxiety about being intimate now. It is so important to me in what it means, that it is hard for me to relax. That is in my head, but it does not take to long for me to change my mind when he initiates. But even then I am not the same as I used to be. I am not as sexual and it is like I lost something in myself I only saw briefly. It is a good feeling to feel sexually attractive and to feel you are a sexual being. In today’s society especially. I know that sounds a bit “worldly” but it is true these things do effect us as Christians and the truth is Christians are the one who should be able to feel good about that when married. I do hope and need to come to believe that that can still be true in my marriage and something I can experience here on earth and before I get to old not to care. At one time the group thought it was mother issues, seeing me like his mother and she had cut him out of her life (no good reason, she is just messed up). He initiated new contact with her, but the relationship is still not what it should be and never will, she is not capable.

    Anyhow, an answer has not been found. It is something you suffer with, and can not tell most people or any. Most would not have anything reasonable or wise to say, and you would just be embarrassed. We have talked to leaders at church before but it really did not get anywhere. I can’t give up. I love him and God is good. Thank you Lord, that I will give a positive update to this soon. Amen!

    p.s. I am glad to see this kind of forum for Christians and the balance and respectfulness of the monitor.

  46. W.S. says:

    I recently found out my husband has been masturbating and using all sorts of toys “electrodes” and anal stimulation to be exact. I am completely okay with that. The part that is upsetting is that he purchases toys behind my back and has been masturbating without me for years. He once allowed me to go 6 most without sex. He didn’t initiate it and neither did I. I know I’m partly to blame. if I wanted it I should’ve made it more clear. I had initiated it a couple times but he just couldn’t “perform”. He said he was stressed. yet every time I was at school or he was alone he masturbated. Finally we talked about it. I told him how hurt I was with his “addiction:” and that I felt so unloved and unpretty because he would regularly reject me. Now he wants to have sex and wants to do things with me but I feel terrible. It’s like I can’t get in the mood because I feel that for 10 years he has been taking care of himself and left me in the dust. I feel hurt because all the the things I looked forward to “trying” with him and doing to him he has already discovered or is doing regularly. I don’t know what is left for us to discover together. It hurts me emotionally that he has moved so far ahead of me and never shared any of this. I feel like I don’t know him intimately anymore. When he does try to tell me what he likes I get upset because I feel like he shouldn’t already know. That we should be discovering together. I don’t understand why I’m so frustrated now that he actually is sharing with me. I feel like it’s irrational behavior. Does anyone else feel hurt and deceived and even though their spouses are trying and that they still can’t get into it anymore because all the magic is lost?

    1. Jay Dee says:

      I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this in your marriage. Even after repentance and forgiveness, there are still consequences that must be worked through or accepted.

      But, the magic isn’t lost. You make your own magic. I don’t think he’s tried everything. It’s not possible. Many activities require two people. Plus, it’s very different doing something to yourself versus having someone else do it to you. Don’t think that just because he’s experienced something that it won’t be a very different activity with the two of you. You can still discover things together.

      But, I do understand grieving the lost opportunity. It’s not wrong to feel saddened by it. But, the sadness will fade, and you can find joy together again.

  47. Anonymous says:

    m walking this out right now in my marriage and it is very difficult; we are in marriage counseling because of it and just this week I woke up crying out of a dead sleep because my heart hurts so bad, but we are making progress (thank god).
    I have two suggestions for people in my same position:
    1) confront the refusal issue straightforwardly and directly without resorting to name calling or other offensive tactics. Don’t just expect it to get better on its own. Also, expect that your spouse may not think anything is wrong with the marriage at first because his needs are being met even if yours aren’t (he is getting enough sex)
    2) don’t become a refuser in the process of dealing with refusal. Here is a conversation I had today to encourage you:
    Wife: I used to be really jealous that you didn’t want sex as much as me and I wanted to reject you like I was being rejected but now that I think about it the marriage was really in trouble and me continuing to want/have sex was like a lifeline that prevented things from deteriorating more rapidly.

    Husband: Very true. It would have gone downhill twice as fast if we wouldn’t have been having any sex.

  48. Megan says:

    Thank you so much for publishing this. I waited until marriage to have sex. We’ve been married nearly 9 months (we are both 30) and we are seeing a therapist and there is still very little shift at all. I’m definitely in the crying myself to sleep category a lot of the time. He is just not interested, I feel like his sister a lot of the time, I ache to be desired. It’s really tough. I went on anti-depressants shortly after we got married because I knew they had a side affect of knocking down sex drive – I wanted to match him, not pressure him. It hasn’t really worked because it is as much a heart issue as a physical one…the wanting to be wanted, the wanting to be romanced, the wanting to be beautiful to someone…

  49. Lover says:

    All of you please don’t despair. Focus on effective and clear communication. Clearly tell him directly. Sometimes you need to tell your husband how serious the problem is. Otherwise it won’t be a motivation for them to change themselves. You can’t change them directly, but you can put them on the right track so that they themselves can change themselves.
    Sometimes you need to threaten them: “I need you sexually and you don’t do anything. This is braking our marriage. This is serious.”
    Force him to see a therapist with you.
    Men are logical things. You can utilize this trait of them: “Would it be good if I refused you?” “Would you feel good if you didn’t receive sex while you craved it?” Their logic will force them to think.
    For sure see a therapist. Don’t let the problem influence your life for a long time.
    YOU DEFINITELY CAN OVERCOME THIS PROBLEM! BELIEVE ME!

  50. PJ says:

    Have any of you women complaining about your husband’s lack of desire for you ever thought that it wasn’t the quantity but the quality? You might not want to hear this but some of you may be straight up garbage in bed. Why is it the woman putting out a sub-par performance is almost never mentioned? Some of you may be doing things that turn him of that you’re not aware of. Others may be not be putting forth the necessary level of effort needed to please your husbands. Many of you women are quick to blame everything under the sun from porn to drugs to ED for your issues with your husbands. Those things could be connected but I believe 50% of the time you women could be bringing these issues on yourselves. Try finding out what truly drives him. Learn the full extent of how he enjoys sex. Take the time and patience to study him diligently without him flat-out giving you a cheat sheet. Can you seduce him? Learn how to truly arouse him. It mean more when you learn and discover it on your own.

    1. Jay Dee says:

      I think the vast majority of the women who read this post have already tried everything you suggested with little to no results. I think you missed the point of the post.

    2. Butterflywings says:

      PJ do you really think us women haven’t tried all of these things?

  51. Anonymous says:

    Thank You…. This has been my struggle trying to get counseling or help to improve my sex life. As soon as anyone hears you have sex every 2 to 3 days and your husband is 59…. Well that’s great!!!
    It’s not great when you agreed 17 yrs ago that daily sex on the average was a must.

  52. Rusty says:

    I am truly sorry to post here, I feel like I’m trespassing, but I cant help myself. I am a man suffering in what is now my 27th year of a sexless marriage. The messages above ring so true to me. The lack of touching, desire, actual participation in sex if by the freak chance it ever occurs. No attempt to ever try and pleasure me. But by far the worst part is the lonely unloving feelings that impact your very soul making a positive outlook on life impossible.
    Being at this for sooo long you can be assured there is absolutely nothing that as made any change what so ever. I have resorted to heaping fire on her head by being very kind and caring, spending virtually all our time together, and working out and dressing sharp. Not that I needed too but just trying to be noticed. I am very attractive and look like my body is that of a twenty year old. My wife on the other hand, is 100 lbs. more than she was when we married. But I still find her beautiful and desirable. I have been at this for a year now, and it doesn’t appear to be working either.
    The only thing l haven’t tried is walking out. She would be devastated! She thinks we have a great relationship! I wish for once she could be strong enough to actually hear me and my pain and care. Any and all times I’ve tried before end in her becoming so angry while masterfully somehow turning the tables as if it all being my fault.
    Ok, I’ve vented and will leave you ladies, but rest assured, this man feels your pain!

    1. Meme says:

      Thank you.

  53. Meme says:

    Thank goodness im not alone. I want someone to talk to but found no one. My husband is a good man but he doesn’t want to have sex with me anymore coz I’ve aged. Im so horny all the time that it got to the time that i cried. Can’t blame my husband for not wanting me coz i myself feel disgusted when i see myself in the mirror. Hahaha.. going to a therapists today and hope he can give me a med to remove my lust. Funny

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