Does my husband still find me attractive?

Jay Dee

Does my husband still find me attractive?

Sep 15, 2013

Yesterday morning (4 am my time), I received an anonymous question from a new reader.  She’s had a, shall we say, colourful life, but now has settled down, has become a Christian, has a husband and is growing in Christ.  But, while we are all

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Does my husband still find me attractive

Yesterday morning (4 am my time), I received an anonymous question from a new reader.  She’s had a, shall we say, colourful life, but now has settled down, has become a Christian, has a husband and is growing in Christ.  But, while we are all forgiven, forgiveness does not always equate to a blank slate.  While it does in God’s eyes, the fact is, we still bear the consequences of our actions, grace or no grace.  These aren’t punishments from God, they are just us getting through life following our own will, or sometimes being subject to the will of others.

And so, this dear sister in Christ comes to me with a question that I’m sure is weighing on many of our sisters in the christian community.  In fact, I’m almost positive this is a gender wide question for wives regardless of faith:

Does my husband still find me attractive?

After pregnancies, stretch marks, baby-weight, sleepless nights, stress, graying hair, sagging breasts from breastfeeding (or just time), all the wear and tear on a wife’s body.

Does he still find me desirable?  How can my he still be attracted to me?  He must be comparing me to all the beautiful women that he comes across at work, in ministry, during his commute, at the gym, etc..  Does he still want me?  Or am I just the default because he’s put in the time?  Or does he put up with my body because of the relationship?  

In cases where wives have married later in life, or are on their second marriage, there is a question of “did I waste my youth?”  They feel that they don’t have their “best” self to bring anymore to the marriage, and so they feel they have cheated their husband.

Well, I have my answer, but given the tone of the email, despite her asking for my opinion and experience, I didn’t feel that would be enough.  So, I put out a survey, with slightly different questions for men and women.    In just over 12 hours, I had 100 people respond.  It’s not quite 24 hours now, and I have over 120, sixty two of which are from husbands.  I’m going to keep the survey running and may use the new results in the future, so please, continue to fill it out if you are reading this and haven’t participated yet.  Now, 62 husbands is not enough of a sample size to write a scientific proof on, but for the purposes of this question, I think we can call it a valid data set.  It was an anonymous survey, there was no way their spouse was going to find out the answers, so I choose to believe that people were honest.

The results

One of the questions was a simple “Do you find your wife attractive?” Over 95% of husbands answered yes, they do find their wife attractive!  Now, that by itself was enough to answer this wife’s question, but I wanted to dig deeper.  I wanted to remove some doubt.  Maybe these people have never had kids, maybe they’ve only been married a short time.  Maybe their wives exercise like crazy and keep fit.  So, I asked some qualifying questions.  Let’s look at this group of husbands who still find their wife attractive.

Over half (51%) feel their wife is more attractive than when they got married!  Another 30% say she is about the same.  Only 19% say less (but keep in mind, they still find her attractive).  This is contrary to the societal concept that women lose their attractiveness over time, when, according to the respondents, 81% feel that their wife is either just as attractive, or more attractive than when they got married.  Now, at the same time, 57% of these wives are less fit than when they got married.  So it must not be an issue purely of physical looks.

Maybe it’s about sex.  I mean, if you’re having constant sex, that must increase the attractiveness, right?  But 61% say they are having less sex than their first year of marriage, and 76% of the husbands said they would like more sex.  Well, maybe it’s not about frequency.  I mean, I’ve heard, and said it myself, that nothing is more sexy than a wife being sexually confident in the bedroom (and I still believe this), but 71% of respondents say their wife is not sexually confident (maybe it’s time to buy her The Sexually Confident Wife).

Perhaps they just haven’t been married that long.  No…the average marriage length for these same marriages was 18 years (with a max of 46 years, way to go!).

What does this mean?

So, what is going on?  I mean, these wives not getting younger, they’re not having more sex, they’re not feeling more confident, and many of them have been married quite a long time.  Why are all these husbands more attracted to their wives?  What is happening to these men, since it doesn’t seem to be anything the wife is doing.

Well, the answer lies in psychology.  I’m sorry to say this to the older ladies (and by older, I mean anything over 20’s, because I know when you hit 30, you think you’re old now), but for the most part, you probably aren’t more attractive than the younger (20’s) women on the street.  Objective research shows that people find them more attractive.  But, research does show a couple interesting traits in marriages, particularly happy ones.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

-Psalm 139:14

One of these traits is called a memory bias.  We tend to rewrite, or evaluate our memories of the past as being worse than they were in reality.  But wait, wouldn’t that make you unhappy?  Follow the logic here: our sub-consciousnesses are amazing machines.  Subconsciously, we know that we are more likely to be happy if we believe things are improving.  After all, if things are improving, then in the future things will be better if we stay the course.  And how can we be upset about things improving and a bright future?   But, here’s the problem, perhaps things aren’t improving.  Perhaps, I know, it’s a stretch, the wife not getting younger.  So, what do we do?  We modify our memory, or we evaluate our memory differently.  We subconsciously choose to believe that they were in fact less attractive (or just as attractive) in the past.  Using this trick of the mind (of course, without our knowing it), we can honestly look at our wife, smile and tell her she’s more beautiful than ever, because, from our modified perspective, she is!  It’s not a lie, we really believe it.  We believe it so much, we have changed reality to match our belief.  That’s how much we love our wives.

OK, so that explains how he thinks I’m more attractive than before, but isn’t he looking at other women?  What about them?  Is he comparing us?

And here’s where the second trait comes in, again, particularly for happy marriages, and again, it’s subconscious.  Our minds do their best to protect us.  They know that we want to be happy.  They know that there are more attractive women out there.  They know that if we compare, it won’t match up.  So, what do we do?  We ignore the evidence.  And there are studies that show this.  People in happy relationships are less willing (subconsciously, they look away quicker) to look at pictures of attractive members of the other gender.  I mean, why would we?  It would create a conflict in our brain, so we don’t let it.  So, when a husband says “there are no other women in the world for me” he’s not lying, he may not be aware of their existence!  Again, we have changed reality to match our belief.  That is how much we love our wives.

So, to answer the specific questions she asked:

a) Does my husband (to the best of you knowledge and experience) find me attractive?

I’d say 95% chance that he does!

b) in the way the he does the beautiful women that cross his path.

Chances are, if you asked him, he will say “you’re the only beautiful woman I see”, and he’ll mean it.

I hope that answers the question, whomever you are.

 

P.S. Oh, and if you think consciously knowing these subconscious traits are in effect changes the outcome, it doesn’t.  I still think my wife is more attractive now than ever before, and I’m still oblivious to other women.

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37 thoughts on “Does my husband still find me attractive?”

  1. userdand says:

    Could you in time give us the picture as seen from both sides on some of the questions. 71% of respondents felt their wife was not sexually confident. Did you ask how many wives felt they were sexually confident? How does each sex define sexual confidence or how do they think it manifests itself: Sexually aggressive/assertive? Willingly and actively initiating? Sexually adventurous as to place, positions, fantasies, activities (D/s, bondage, role play, etc.) I know that’s a lot of work, but it really is at the core of the attractiveness issue. We are attracted to people we have much in common with. The more commonalities, potentially the greater and deeper the attraction. A greater number of commonalities also makes it possible for some desires to be passed upon as long as specific others are met.

    As to the Sexually Confident Wife; she has to want to read it. She has to not be offended that the book was suggested. She has to be open to the message as it focuses on her specific problem area and not go into a place of hurt or denial. I, as you, wish it were as simple as “I love you dearly but think you need to read this for the fulfillment of our sexual sharing.” I have read at least 30 books on sexuality, relationships and marriage. My wife has read none. It’s not that she doesn’t care, but not to the degree that I do and apparently not about the same issues, plus she’s not a person who enjoys reading that much. We do discuss openly, but it is easy for both sides to remain distant on some issues and feel misunderstood.

    That is not the only question I would like to see the flip side of, just the seeming hot button one of the survey, for men at least. Was it the same for women. I’ll bet not. On straight up sex questions, I would guess sexual frequency as requested by their husbands was first with sexual satisfaction/orgasm being second for the wives in areas of concern.

    1. Jay Dee says:

      I will do my best to give a picture from both sides. In fact, the survey was really two surveys. One to the husbands and one to the wives. I’ve really only shown some of the husbands responses in this post. Another post will come later this week, if I have time. I can’t all the questions you have, but a couple of them perhaps. It will take another survey to expand into the areas you are asking about.

      Of course, you are right, you can’t force your wife to read a book she doesn’t want to read. But, I know there are some wives out there who aren’t confident, want to be but lack the tools to get there, so I post it as a resource for them.

      1. userdand says:

        I really wasn’t speaking to forcing a wife to read the book, I just meant it’s a shame when the resources are available and whichever spouse doesn’t want to utilize them. I am a big proponent of resource recommendations. I also recommend secular resources when appropriate. I haven’t read The Sexually Confident Wife but have read Every Woman’s Battle. I don’t agree with her more extreme positions on masturbation, but feel she has a good understanding as to how affairs come about and how to prevent them. Another good resource on affairs is “Not “just friends” : protect your relationship from infidelity and heal the trauma of betrayal,” by Shirley P. Glass and “The emotional affair : how to recognize emotional infidelity and what to do about it,” by Ronald T. Potter-Efron, and this last one I feel is the best I have read but in no way meaning to slight the first two. It is “When good people have affairs : inside the hearts & minds of people in two relationships,”
        by Mira Kirshenbaum. I know I have some resources on reclaiming libido and sexual confidence but since they are all running together in my head I hesitate to name them at this moment. I’ll try to get back with some later though.

        1. Christi says:

          For Userdand 2013,
          I know this comment is 3yrs later, but I just want to say, “you are right about the attraction being more in the willingness of the wife, the vulnerability, lighthearted and adventurous, youthful spirit she maintains with her husband. The problem is that men marry women hoping they won’t change and women marry men often hoping they do change. This is not concrete on the woman’s hopes, but for men it is. I have listened to many mature in age men, including my husband and they state that a woman’s attitude, playfullness, vulnerability, and submissive nature is what drives a man’s love in growth for his wife. Youth in the physical is fleeting for both partners, but can remain fresh in attitude and character. This is really important! Of course are there always going to be attractive 20 something females and 30yr old males? Yes, but the 5%only makes up in the physical, not the whole package. For people who claim to have issues in their marriage because there are younger sexy people to look at, there is a much deeper issue going on than the physical and the marriage won’t service in God’s full function if they don’t communicate, make changes to focus on each other, please each other and respect each other’s needs. God created marriage, He wants us to function in it with joy, desire and lust for our own spouses, not other people we see. It’s ok to recognize that someone is attractive, but when we start to desire, or lust, that means there is a need not being met and each partner needs to not be self absorbed and fulfill what there partner needs. Men want their wives to be playful, naughty and available to them. If wives would do this, then the husband won’t be hungry or thirsty and often focusing on other women, no matter what age. The writer talking about biology is ok, but there are much deeper things going on. God Bless

  2. LatterDay Marriage says:

    To me, there is a world of difference between the questions:
    Is your wife more attractive than before?
    and
    Are you more attracted to your wife than before?

    The first one is just about looks, and I’ll be honest, although my wife is often assumed to be much younger than she is and looks fantastic and is clearly an attractive woman, her tummy will never be as flat as it was before having 6 kids. So what.

    Her looks are only a portion of what attracts me to her, and not the biggest portion either. My attraction to her is rooted in all the challenges we have faced together, all the times she has seen me fail without losing faith in me, all the time she has been my safe harbor in the storm, all the time where she understood me like nobody else every has.

    As the years roll on and we build up more and more history of a life shared I find myself bonded more and more to her. I am more attracted to her now than when she was more attractive to look at and when she is twice her age now I’ll still be telling her how much I am drawn to her, love her, and desire her.

    1. Jay Dee says:

      Of course, that’s true. One is objective, the other is subjective. I guess I was assuming that husbands would be subjective and that many would lack the ability to be objective about their own wives.

      Of course, I also didn’t say more attractive physically, and I did that on purpose. I wanted to know about the whole picture, not just the looks. Then the other questions qualified the response. Looks are a lot easier to comment on and categorize than all the “other” qualities.

      So, as you say, as the years go on, you are more attracted to her, and so, she is more attractive to you. So I think the question I was asking was still answered.

    2. alana says:

      men like you are so few in this era it’s amazing to hear a man say and (I believe) mean what he says but you are an older man young men these days are so superficial and I know society doesn’t help I am 20yrs old and I prefer older men because those I know are mature enough that they realize that looks aren’t everything because when he is going through struggles her looks can;’t help him get through it but having a dependable and supportive wife can (obviously most importantly and firstly with God’s help)

      1. LatterDay Marriage says:

        I don’t get people who are so exclusively focused on looks. Do they think that THEY will stay young forever? Do they expect others to not be superficial when they don’t look as good as they used to? If you set out to grow old with somebody, that means they (and you) both wind up getting old together.

    3. Alex says:

      Wow! Truly inspiring! Thank youu so much! It gives hope to read what you have written!

  3. Robyn Gibson says:

    Hey JD! I love all the research you do and this is no exception. But as I read through, there is something that kept cropping up in my mind. 80% of divorces are initiated by women. If men are so happy with their wives and it’s true that we have insecurity issues with body image (yes I know your present survey only covers one subject) but still, why the disparity? “it just don’t make no sense to me” — or perhaps I’m just too tired on Sunday nights and one has nothing to do with the other and I shouldn’t even be on the computer right now!

    1. Jay Dee says:

      80%? I can’t find any research to match that, do you have a reference? What I do see is two thirds of divorces are initiated by women in the USA (which is still a lot). However, if the couple of college educated, that jumps to 90%.
      In fact, for the last 100 years or more, divorces have been initiated by women more often than the other way around.

      I’m a little confused about the question. Do you mean to ask: why are women insecure when the vast majority of husbands are attracted to their wives? I would argue this is a product of our society and more specifically, I believe the devil is targetting families, and this is just another way of doing so. If you can make women believe their husbands aren’t attracted to them, and so they reciprocate by withholding sex due to insecurity, the foundation of the family is sure to be unstable, which of course cascades into multiple issues.

      1. Robyn Gibson says:

        Yes, you put my question better, thanks! That makes sense. Sorry for the delay, I’m having problems with my email as well as my site – fun times!!

        The original place that I found that statistic was from a book, Woman’s Infidelity -Michelle Langley.

  4. L says:

    If husbands find their wives attractive, they need to tell them so! We can’t read you mind. As for being sexually confident, I only began to become sexually confident in my forties and this was due to reading blogs, doing my own research and finally coming to believe that it’s okay to be sexual for myself, not just for him. A lot of my lack of confidence came from my upbringing, lack of knowledge and guilt from some pre-marital experimenting but has a lot to do with our relationship. I do not feel attractive to my husband, which spills over into my behavior and is largely due to the fact my husband will not tell me he finds me attractive, pretty, etc. unless I ask him to do so. In my mind, if he has to be reminded to tell me, he must not really find me attractive. Doesn’t do much for my “confidence.” In addition, he likes to keep to himself (his mind “belongs to him” and he doesn’t readily share thoughts, feelings, etc.) so I think the lack of emotional and spiritual intimacy has a lot to do with women initiating a divorce. Living alone is better than living alone while married.

    1. Jay Dee says:

      This is something we see quite a bit. Many women like to keep open dialogues, sort of a running commentary on the relationship. It’s sort of like “if we didn’t discuss it today, then the relationship must be dying.” Men on the other hand tend to have a “set it and forget it” sort of pattern. As in “I told her I loved her and she was beautify when we got married…if it changes, I’ll let her know.”

      The ideal is probably somewhere in the middle. It is good to tell each other things, it is good to communicate. It’s good to show appreciation and affection. But it’s also good to believe the best in your spouse without evidence to the contrary. To believe he doesn’t find you attractive just because he doesn’t say it is also a dangerous position.

    2. annie says:

      I completely agree with everything you’ve said! I have recently come to terms that sexuality starts with me and its something I offer my husband in intimacy. Its very freeing and I feel God working in me scripturally through that concept.

  5. Eric says:

    I know this may be shallow of me, I’m sorry I just have to be honest. I am NOT in that high percentage that finds my wife to be more attractive. It isn’t necessarily due to physical fitness, although she has put on a fair amount of weight, it is more her attitude toward me. She knows she is not healthy and that I struggle with that, she isn’t very sexual and that I struggle with that, she knows that I struggle visually but won’t help me with that, …… So the total lack of desire to “help” me in areas that I have shared with her is very unattractive to me. I am committed to our marriage and will not leave, but I avoid seeing her naked, I miss being creative sexually, am generally depressed and feel unimportant and disrespected in our marriage. As some have stated, a sexually confident ‘average’ woman is better than a ‘boring’ bikini model, but I have neither. Sorry to be so blunt.

    1. Brad says:

      Eric, I was about to add a new reply when I read yours. My words would have been very similar. It is very difficult to find your spouse attractive when there is obviously no desire physically or sexually from her. I love her, and would die for her, just don’t ask me if I am happy living with her unless you want an honest answer.

      You are not alone.

      1. Jay Dee says:

        Sadly, these traits (memory bias and ignoring reality) seem to only be present in happy marriages.

        Find a way to make your marriage happier, and you may find your attractiveness growing as well.

        And any porn use/masturbating is going to distance you and work against your attraction to your wife as well.

    2. Jay Dee says:

      Honesty is good, and I appreciate it! I also like blunt.

      I guess my first question would be, how are you leading/encouraging her in being more healthy?

      Being committed to the marriage is good, but there’s a big difference between giving up and sticking it out and fighting to have the best marriage possible.

      And you avoid seeing her naked? Wow, that has got to tank her self-esteem. Sorry man, but that is harsh. You might as well just tell her “you’re too ugly to look at” which of course will ensure she never has the willpower to try.

      1. Eric says:

        RE: leading/encouraging. I have virtually stopped drinking soda and am drinking lots more water, discussed smaller portions and better meal times, cut back on snacking, … She just thinks I’m treating food as ‘my god’ and focus on it too much. Well, many of our family members struggle with weight/health and I have said I just want to avoid some of those pitfalls. I don’t let food control me, I can control it. Please realize, I’m not some beefcake calendar model, but I know I feel better at a certain weight and I’m just trying to maintain that weight. The changes I have made have enabled me to drop 5-10 pounds in the last few months and about 5 more and I will be at my target. It isn’t what I weighed when we married, but I am not 20 anymore. (Mid-40’s) My wife just says that people put on weight as they age and there is nothing that can be done. She also says that ‘you should just love me as I am’. I love my wife, but I’m not happy with her un-healthy lifestyle or her attitude.

        RE: giving up/fighting. The weight started coming on about 20 years ago (married almost 25) and I’ve never given up, but I am tired of giving and begging. Now I know that we don’t serve to get back, but I’m tapped out. With nothing coming back to recharge my batteries, I’m just tired. How much can one give (remember I’m only human)?

        RE: naked. If I’m in the bathroom when she gets out of the shower, I don’t turn my head which is obvious, I just try to be other places when she is naked or dis-robing. Our schedules are different, so dressing/undressing is not much of an issue. I continue to hug/kiss her and touch non-sexually, but naked contact is tough.

        More than anything it is attitude. She will not read any books/websites on marriage or sexuality. She brings up other people’s weight related health issues but doesn’t see her own. She is a gate keeper in the bedroom (always has been). We just can’t talk about these issues because they aren’t ‘warm and fuzzy’ topics. We can talk about the news or politics or church or….. but not these painful things. I’m just tired.

        1. Robyn Gibson says:

          If I can jump in here. From what I’ve read, I think it’s her lack of submission that is changing your view of her. She could not drop a pound, but be trying to be healthy and treat you like you are her lord and master (respectfully so) … really care about putting you first. AND be a wildcat in bed …. then you’d find her attractive??

          … or am I completely even beyond left field here?

          1. Eric says:

            (I feel like I’m being set up here. I hope that isn’t the case.)

            I don’t like to use the ‘submission’ word, because I really don’t think that is at the root. Is it control, is it passive agressive, is it disrespect, I don’t know???? There just seems to be an attitude of ‘this is how I am, deal with it. I don’t want to change, I can’t change, I shouldn’t have to change.’ So that to me is the most un-attractive part of her.

            BUT, to be honest, I do struggle with excess weight. Now I realize the term ‘excess’ is relative. I’m not asking her (or myself) to be a slim and trim, 20 year old. I realize that time changes our bodies. But a 50% gain is a bit much for this visual male. Especially when I am in an industry where I see professional women who many times dress (and look) to impress.

            As to your ‘lord and master’ statement. I don’t want that at all. I know the Bible calls me to be the leader, but I will never hold that over her. We are both equally valuable to the relationship.

            As much as I’d love a ‘wildcat’ in the bedroom, I’d be happy with just a little spirit of willingness and adventure. It is pretty much her way ONLY. Once again, it is ‘I can’t, or, I don’t want to, and should have to.’

            So in summary, I think I’d find her attractive if there was a compromise.

            1. Robyn Gibson says:

              Hey Eric, I’m assuming you are responding to me. I can’t touch on your full response yet (i’m helping my daughter with something) but I just wanted to jump on quickly – NO, there is no set-up – ever. Pls don’t feel that way with any of my comments) … I’ll be back later after I read your comment more thoroughly, but I wasn’t comfortable with someone possibly having that opinion of my actions/words.

              1. Robyn Gibson says:

                I’m sorry to drop the “S” word; I was actually trying to defend you. How about? She won’t yield to any of your likes. Or she won’t accommodate any of your preferences? I’m hoping my understanding comes across clearer with those words. This is the same spirit I used to have with my husband. -It’s HIS problem if he can’t keep his eyes in his head at work -I am who I am and he married me -I don’t have a problem not looking at other men so he shouldn’t have a problem not looking at other women –Jesus loves me for who I am, and he’s supposed to love me the same way. Even as I typed that, I still feel a certain amount of shame that evidenced my lack of maturity and little knowledge of men, especially my own husband. I became more un-attractive in his eyes, because of my … attitude of selfishness. The more I demanded that it WAS fair, which he knew it wasn’t, the more I slide nearer the bottom of the importance and priority rating in his heart.

                I applaud your honesty of saying that visual matters, because it does. Are some men more visual than others? Who knows, probably. My husband is one that it matters … A LOT. And I didn’t realize the agony I was putting him through because he, like you, works in a company with lots of women who dress to the ‘nines’ – PLUS, he was their boss, so there was a lot of respect, yielding and accommodating for him. But then he would come home and there would be – me. The total opposite of what he just experienced all day.

                You were brave – I’ll be brave. Not caring about being 50% overweight is NOT ok. (not to mention unhealthy) There is a difference between fleshy and fat. And yes, as you said, it is relative.

                The terminology of ‘lord and master’ is only meant to represent a heart attitude, of HER. They are terms of endearment that are all about respect. It’s not about being literally called ‘lord’ or ‘master’, and not unlike names of endearment from love – that demonstrates a heart attitude: hun, honey, baby, babes, lover, sweetie.

                As far as her attitude of it being her way ONLY. To me it’s lack of submission and it’s selfish. You either have to accept it and enable her selfishness to grow, and be ok with that. Or take action to change it, thereby helping her to see her selfishness is not good for you, your marriage, or herself. I can’t see the church saying to Christ (it’s head) I’m not going to listen to You.

                To make your point I would give back to her what she’s giving you. If you buy her cards for special occasions – buy a bunch of the same ones. If you buy her flowers – always give her the same kind. Making all your gestures of love repetitive. I know it might sounds combative, but it depends on how you look at it. Maybe she’s ok with getting the same thing and that’s why she’s giving the same thing. If that’s the case, you are actually giving her what she wants. In any case, actions always speak louder than words.

                This is what God did with the Israelites when they were in the wilderness (and why He kept them in the wilderness) … He gave them their own way … in spades.

                1. Jay Dee says:

                  There is an interesting question in here between the two of you. Do individual qualities act like an average towards attraction, or do they act like a barrel with short staves?

                  If they are an average:
                  If your wife is not physically attractive (overweight, “plain looking”)
                  But she’s fun to be with and is great in bed, is loyal, manages the house well, good Christian woman, etc., etc..
                  Then it will average out to her still being attractive overall to you (despite appearances).

                  If it is more like a barrel, then the lowest common denominator rules. You cannot fill a barrel higher than the highest stave, no matter how high the others are, or how many there are (within reason). It will always level out to the level of that short stave.

                  I think that is what Robyn is asking. If she upped any item on your list, would the rest be offset enough for you to be attracted? Or does everything have to come up to be attracted again?

                2. Eric says:

                  Robyn, your first two paragraphs are SPOT ON! That is the heart attitude I wish my wife would see and adopt. She does not see the pain and hurt I am dealing with deep down. And I can’t say anything because saying such things, even if said ‘in love’, would be hurtful. Certainly not true or productive, at least in her eyes.

                  1. Eric says:

                    Jay Dee, RE: upping any item on my ‘list’. I want to say YES to that statement. I truly believe that an effort to compromise would speak volumes. In our marriage, there is no compromise. To use your barrel analogy, she is the lowest stave. I wish to put in a larger stave in order for us to have a fuller experience. I’m OK with not having the barrel totally full, because then I would be getting everything I WANT. Both attitudes can be selfish. 1) not being willing to give anything or 2) wanting everything. So I think your last paragraph has a lot of truth in it.

  6. ButterflyWings says:

    What if you’re part of the 5% whose husbands don’t find you attractive? What if your husband just isn’t “made that way” and has never been physically attracted to you? What then?

    1. Jay Dee says:

      Well, you are dealing with something fairly outside the norm with his Asperger’s Syndrome. Physically attracted isn’t the only thing in consideration though, he must be attracted to you in some way, or he never would have married you, correct?

      1. ButterflyWings says:

        I guess it must be, but I’m trying to work out what attracted him. I don’t think he can define it either. But he has that condition which I can never remember the name of where he feels emotions but can’t identify what to call them.

        1. ButterflyWings says:

          I do wish he was physically attracted to me though

    2. alana says:

      how did it reach the point that you got married to a man that wasn’t attracted to you? (it’s a question not a judgement) when you guys were dating didn’t he show any attraction to you and I don’t mean touching you etc. that would be wrong but you should or would at least be able to tell if he found you attractive even if he never said it or maybe is just me but I wouldnt take the risk of marrying someone who didn’t find me attractive before we got married. marriage doesn’t automatically make you attractive to somebody

      1. Butterflywings says:

        Two answers… the first answer being is physical attraction isn’t everything. He’s attracted to my mind and personality and spirituality.

        The second answer is he acted physically attracted to me when we were dating. Not having sex, but being more physically “friendly” than was probably appropriate for not being married. His actions were of a person who seemed very physically attracted. The first weekend of our honeymoon was amazing, but it seemed after he finally got sex it was kind of like he acted like “ok I’ve had sex, that achievements over, lets move onto the next thing”.

  7. libl says:

    The only thing unattractive about a woman is her sin.

  8. James Barry says:

    This is an issue that many people struggle with because it just hasn’t been taught from a Biblical standpoint. Mark Driscoll of Mars Hill Church does the best job I have ever seen of explaining this in his series called The Peasant Princess. This series has transformed my wife and I’s marriage as well as many people in our church and community. I would highly recommend watching it.

    http://www.marshill.com/media/the-peasant-princess

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  11. Amy says:

    My husband thought I was attractive had nice back side and great boobs and that’s all. He never did really love or want me as his partner. We did have sex once the only time in our marriage, that was my first and only time. He threw up all over when we had sex, and he wasn’t drunk. He told in the morning he never wanted sex with me or anyone else ever again. Here we were two day’s into our marriage and we fighting like cat’s and dog’s. This went on for day’s so finally he just turned around and went to the basement, later I was told he didn’t want to associate with me and moved all his stuff down stairs and then told me he was going to start working midnight’s.
    I wanted to leave but had no where to go, parent’s didn’t want me and the guy was my problem. Didn’t make enough money to move out. He didn’t care if I left or stayed, I stayed to me it was rent free. That was 40 years ago and now I’m old and don’t care any more about men or life at all. I’m so depressed that my life turned to crap that if I died I wouldn’t care.

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