Often the fights we have as couples aren’t about what we think they are. Because while we think we’re fighting about respect, sex, tone, in-laws, money, kids or anything else under the sun, often the real issue is far less dramatic.
Sometimes it’s just physiology. Before a disagreement turns into an argument (or whenever you “wake up” enough to think “how did this become a fight?!”), there’s a simple checklist worth running first:
HALT.
Hungry
Angry
Lonely
Tired
Today we’re continuing with our Sex as Worship series, and in this post, we’re going to be talking about masturbation, which is a highly contested argument in Christianity. Is it okay, is it sinful, it is helpful or harmful?
And before I say anything else, I want to share that I didn’t always believe the viewpoint I’m going to share. Also, I don’t really want to talk about it. It’s still an embarrassing topic, and I know I’m going to get a lot of flak for it. People will unsubscribe. Sometimes I get messages saying they hope to see me in hell.
But, I don’t think I can skip it. This is a topic I see damaging so many marriages, so how do I leave it alone?
When intimacy keeps getting derailed by oddly timed comments about hygiene, illness, or unrelated problems, it’s easy to wonder if you’re losing your mind or being subtly shut down. This question comes up far more often than people realize, and the answer is almost never “you’re crazy” or “your spouse is malicious.” What’s actually happening lives in the brain, and once you see it, the pattern makes a lot more sense.
Valentine’s Day is three weeks away.
That is not enough time to radically transform your body. Believe me. I have been working on getting fit and losing weight for about a year now, and I am about halfway to where I want to be. I have made a lot of progress (down almost 50 lbs and doubled my strength), but it is a slow road depending on how much work there is to be done.
That said, three weeks is enough time to noticeably improve your stamina, control, confidence, and presence during sex. With dedication, you can see massive improvements in those areas in just weeks.
Don’t believe me? Try it. Prove me wrong.
We trade God’s design for real, vulnerable intimacy for safe, synthetic illusions. Porn, erotica, and AI companions offer connection without cost but train us in selfishness, not love. They promise intimacy without risk, but only real, covenantal relationship can deliver meaning.
We live in a world that has learned to separate what God never divided.
Hookup culture is the next stage of sex stripped of meaning – where bodies meet, but no one truly connects.
I’m continuing this series exploring how, when we remove aspects of God’s intent for sex, we end up with all the examples of sexual immorality we see in our world.
Last time, I tackled what removing covenant from sex gets you: sex before marriage, and the fallout from that choice.
Today, we’re going to push that even further and look at hookup culture. At first glance it might seem like sex before marriage taken to the next level – but that expansion comes with new problems.
This isn’t just the removal of covenant – it’s the removal of the relationship itself.
In my last post, I wrote about how sex is an act of worship because having sex, the way God intended, gives worth to Him. It honours what He created by using it as He intended.
However, our society is doing its best to invert that by taking away elements of God’s plan so as to distort sex. To make it not something that’s worship and creative, but rather destructive to ourselves, to each other, and to society as a whole.
So, today we’re going to explore sex outside of marriage, or what happens when you remove the covenant from sexual intimacy.
And to be clear, the legal status of the relationship is not the big problem here. It’s the intentional lifelong monogamous commitment to each other. Arguably, many marriages in the Bible are considered marriages simply because they had sex. However, sex is meant to seal a covenant, not substitute for one.
The other night, after my wife and I had sex, we were lying there in that sweaty, happy pile you end up in when the oxytocin kicks in. As I often do, I asked her what she was thinking about. She’ll tell you I probably ask that too often, because I’m endlessly curious about what’s going on in her head.
Her answer surprised me. She said, “Sex is an act of worship.”
I asked her to explain, and she said, “Well, everything we do should be for God. And since you’re the head of the household, just as Christ is the head of the church, then giving myself to you, serving you in this way, is like serving Christ.”
That surprised me. I mean, I’ve taught before that sex is about more than physical release – that it’s for procreation, for bonding, for comfort, for recreation, even for warding off temptation. But I don’t think I’ve ever described it quite this way: as an act of worship.
So let’s unpack that. What does it mean that sex – sweaty, messy, joyful sex – could actually be worship of the God who created it?
Topics include:
My wife’s nightclothes are killing my attraction
Is using a vibrator wrong?
How do I get my husband to initiate sex?
Need something to spice up our sex life
How does scent factor into spouse selection
Recovery after pregnancy
Is using classical conditioning on your spouse wrong?
How do I keep myself from becoming distant from my husband?
How can I talk to my husband about oral sex?
In this episode, we are tackling the subjects:
– Do men enjoy cunnilingus after ejaculation?
– Should I feel bad for refusing oral after anal?
– My spouse says I should accept substitutes for sex
– Feeling unloved due to lack of physical affection
– Guilt over sexual desires shaped by past porn use
– When one spouse wants BDSM and the other doesn’t
– Sex is loving but not exciting—can it be fixed?
– Why not have kids in your 40s?
– Survey requests on mutual masturbation and handjobs
A while back Lovense reached out to me to ask if I wanted to try one of their toys in exchange for a review. We were given the choice between the Ferri or the Lush 4 to try out, and after a little forum polling and back-and-forth, we ended up picking the Ferri—mostly because the idea of a discreet, wearable toy for public-but-private connection felt a bit too tempting to pass up.