While this survey is specifically designed to find answers for women, I’ve designed the survey so that husbands can answer the questions too.
I get a few people every month asking how they can orgasm, if they are women, or, if they are men, how to help their wife achieve orgasm. So, since I only have one wife, I am asking for your assistance in this. While I have some theoretical knowledge that may help, I think it would be wise to get some practical experience from other wives and husbands. Thank you in advance for your data.
Fill out the survey
I put a 5 for ease with which I achieve orgasm. I have one 90-95% of the time, but they don’t come very easily. I’m not sure though if the question was supposed to determine how often I orgasm or how easily.
How do you tell your husband you’ve never had an orgasm? We have been married over two years, and have a great marriage. We were both virgins when we married (in our late 20s), and neither of us knew a lot about sex. My husband is a wonderful man, and I know in my head that he probably WANTS me to feel pleasure, but I believe he honestly doesn’t know how. He won’t talk about sex, and if I try to bring it up, he immediately shuts down. I don’t want to hurt his feelings to say anything that could damage his pride. I do enjoy sex, even though it seems like he doesn’t even TRY to pleasure me…. there isn’t really any foreplay, and every time we have sex, it’s just a quickie. I have never had an orgasm, and I don’t even know what I like or need, but I would at least appreciate him helping me try…he has never even asked or shown concern. I’m beginning to feel resentful that he gets to orgasm every time we have sex, and I never do. I have given him oral sex, and he has never shown any interest in returning the favor. Even when we have sex, it’s not really about me…. at all. Now, he IS a wonderful, giving, loving, affectionate man, in ALL OTHER AREAS. That’s what makes me think that I know in my head he wants to please me, but I do feel resentful and uncared for in this area. I don’t ever “fake” an orgasm, but I don’t think he knows that I’m not having them. I honestly think that he believes a quickie with no foreplay and nothing except thrusting is enough for me, since it is for him. He doesn’t use his mouth or hands, or anything…doesn’t even try. I’m not really sure what to do. I guess, just keep having sex, and trying to subtly guide him or try to talk with him gently and lovingly.
Any advice? Men, would you want to know if your wife wasn’t having them? How would you want her to tell you?
He’s never asked me before. So maybe he assumes I am, or doesn’t want to know. I tried to get him to read a Christian sex book with me, and he refused. He said we should be able to “figure it out” on our own, and I also asked him if we could try a toy that a friend of mine recommended, and he refused that as well (he said he should be enough). So I want to be careful not to hurt his feelings. He really is a wonderful, loving man, and I would want to believe that I can continue to have sex with him indefinitely without ever orgasming… but it would be nice to experience it, at least sometimes.
I think you might need to hurt his feelings. Sometimes there isn’t a way to avoid it. It is possible to be loving and to communicate effectively and as you should, and still hurt him. God hurts us sometimes when we need to change too, that’s not a sin.
I, for one, would definitely want to know, but it sounds like you husband has a very different mindset from mine. He believes you should be able to “figure it out”. What if you told him you weren’t figuring it out? What if you said you want to start figuring it out together?
What if you asked him how his orgasms feel? He may ask in return, and that would give you an opening to say “I don’t know…”
He needs to know but verbally telling him will hurt his feelings. Suggesting any type of toy or device will surely make him feel insecure. Your gonna have to try and show him what you think you need for him to do. I’m not trying to be cute when I say this but it would really help you show him what you need if you had someone give you a mind blowing orgasm so you would know what you need him to do and how he needed to do it. That’s the best answers I have and I’m sorry in advance if I made it seem like I was being a smartass because that’s for sure is not and was not my intention. Your situation has to be handled very gently or could possibly go very bad quickly when you are only trying to experience what is due to you
I’m going to assume that you mean this “someone” to be herself…But just to be clear, I do not condone bringing a third person into your sex life.
Thanks for the tips. I think I will use the idea of asking hubby “What do orgasms feel like for you?” and see if he reciprocates by asking me the same thing, and I can say, “I would like to try and have one, with your help.” I honestly think he will be shocked that I have not had one. I think he is truly clueless…which I’m fine with! We are both inexperienced, and learning together. But I want him to be open to learning. I have no idea what I need or like… I’ve never tried on myself before. The only thing I’m afraid of is hurting his feelings/pride. We obviously need to have better communication about sex. I’m not sure how to get him to talk about it without shutting down. We have pretty good communication in all other areas. I’ve tried telling him I need more foreplay before, and it doesn’t really click with him. Foreplay has turned into a quick kiss, and him just laying there on his back, while I do all the kissing and touching! He is clueless about the fact that I even need to get my body prepared for sex.
Well, thanks for the tips.
Wifey- It sounds like you are going to have to address this head-on or go without orgasms and become resentful while watching your marriage self-destruct. You repeatedly tell what a swell fellow he is but that won’t carry the freight for long. I would ask you if he is stubborn or headstrong in other areas at his work, at church, with other family issues or with other people he deals with? Is he always right and not willing to learn new or different ways from others? How well does he deal with mistakes and being proven wrong? If he has a problem in those areas, he may not be easily “teachable” by anyone without extensive therapy if you can even get him to agree to it.
He may truly be ignorant about how to adequately please a woman but, then again, if he is not teachable, how will he ever improve? I am not trying to depress you and tell you the situation is hopeless. What I am telling you is that you need to figure out if he IS TEACHABLE and is willing to be educated and you can’t do that without breaking some eggs with his type. It is very much a pay me now or pay me later type of situation. You really don’t want the bill to come due 10 or 15 years from now. Don’t back down when the going gets tough. That doesn’t mean to be adversarial, but don’t allow a loss of progress and momentum to halt or set things back. Pray about it all you want, but I strongly encourage you to involve the experience, training and wisdom of others.
Communication is the key. If u desire orgasm, you can initiate the fun. Try something new. At times doing “missionary position” gets dry for me. I like to switch to different positions. It spices things up and draws you closer. Tell him what you want. If you’re shy, then maybe have a small meeting together and discuss about your concerns. I believe we women should experience orgasms but it’s HOW it’s done that varies in each of us. Praying for your young marriage and here’s to spicing things up!!
My best advice is find some way to bring it up. Sexual relations needs to be fun for both parties in the marriage.
I can say this was an issue for use, we have now been married 25 years and for the first 10 it was not the best for my wife. Part of the problem was we were both too embarrassed to talk about anything, she figured if I was happy she was doing something wrong.
On a business trip one time we were asked to take a survey on a possible upcoming TV show, we both watched 10 minutes of a show then anonymously answered survey questions. The show was a day time talk show type setting about marriage and relationships. This episode they had you watch was about sex, and pleasure in a marriage. Well that sparked a discussion and WOW did we both learn a lot about the last 10 years. I learned she only had an orgasm about 10% of the time, she learned what I liked and didn’t like, which shocked her. We started to explorer more about sex in marriage together. What we found was most church programs are VERY conservative and in our opinion not biblically based. We bought our first sex toy together and started to just enjoy each other more. She was embarrassed at first with some of the thing, after all a proper lady does not do these things. But God never intended for marriage, or sex to be a chore or boring. He created us a sexual beings and what happens inside of marriage between two loving, consenting adult is fine. We are 15 years past that point and still find each other very exciting and are always looking for new ways to enjoy each other.
It all starts with an honest, none threatening conversation, will it be a little embarrassing, probably. You can try writing it down. Tell him you write down everything you like about sex and one wild fantasy. I will do the same, write down one thing you would like to change and I will do the same. Then exchange them and read them in private. In this day you can try being home together in separate rooms and texting. For us we found being separated was best, the other person then cannot see how embarrassed you are and we found you get more honest answers. Some people can do this together and that is great too.
Another thing you can try is be more dominate in the bedroom, little thing at first giving more direction about what you like. Most of us men like that we really just want to please you but really don;t know how. We all know men won;t ask for directions, in the bedroom is no different.
With out taking about it, you may never move forward.
For us it takes stimulation for my wife to reach orgasm, for some women that is not true. But you need to find that together and draw closer to one another. Otherwise you will drift apart and that is never good.
Once you get past the embarrassing part, you will find the exciting part. Does that mean we are never embarrassed about sexual thing, heck no. We are still like kids most of the time gidee and embarrassed, but together and excited.
Wow, thanks for sharing Scott! I agree, many growth steps are incredibly embarrassing at first, but well worth the initial discomfort.
Great job with this survey!
The first step is knowing and understanding that you can indeed have an orgasm. It may take time, and a willing partner, a different mood or location, but you can.
Don’t give up, and don’t get frustrated!
Thanks Emma, glad you enjoyed it.