My vasectomy is scheduled for tomorrow. That’s a little intimidating to write, to be honest. Because even after all the encouraging comments I read in our permanent birth control survey responses, and even after all the research I’ve done, and knowing how low the failure rates, or complication rates are, I have to admit there is still a bit of lingering trepidation regarding the procedure.
I had another post scheduled for today, but this one popped up in my mind, and I wanted to write about it and post it before hand, because writing helps me process.
I think the thing that worries me the most is: what if I’m one of the very few casualties of a failed vasectomy. I don’t mean it goes wrong and we end up with another child. Baby #6 would still be amazing. I’ll call that more of a surprise blessing than a mistake. Instead, I mean the very few that come out of a vasectomy and end up impotent, unable to have sex, either due to permanent erectile dysfunction, or constant pain during sex. Because, as low as the numbers are (and they are VERY low), it’s still a possibility.
So, what if this is my last day as a sexually capable man? What if I can never have sex again? What would that mean for my marriage? Or for this ministry for that matter, because I’m not sure it’s appropriate for a eunuch to be writing about married sexuality…
But, I’m choosing not to dwell on that. So instead I asked myself, considering that today may (however unlikely) be my last day to have sex: What would be on my pre-vasectomy wishlist, should my wife ask?
I think the typical human reaction is to ask for something selfish. I don’t think we intend to be selfish, but our first thoughts would be: what would be the most exciting thing for me? Perhaps an activity your spouse hasn’t consented to in the past, or something that is rarely, if ever, offered. There isn’t a whole lot that I wouldn’t consent to. 😉
But then I thought: If I couldn’t have sex again, or at least intercourse, that means she couldn’t either. And while I know there are many other options (like sex toys, oral sex, manual sex), I know she’d miss just plain vanilla sex. I do love vanilla!! So then maybe I should pick just regular sex, because a lot of the other options would still be available, regardless of the outcome.
However, knowing my wife, if she offered, she’d want me to be selfish, because that’s the point of offering, to give a gift, probably because I’m the one “taking the risk” as it were, though really we both are. And round and round it goes. This is like what we call a Canadian standoff, which is when two Canadians are stuck at a doorway trying to let the other go first, or more generally: Any time two people are being too polite or differential for either to move forward.
Which leaves me with still trying to decide what I’d want, and I honestly don’t know. After all, if you pick something you want, but your spouse doesn’t enjoy, is that really the last memory of sex you want them to have? So, what would you do? If today was potentially your last day to have sex, and really, any day could be, for any of us, what would you ask for? What’s on your pre-vasectomy wishlist? Or, for those past that, or the wrong gender to have a vasectomy, what’s on your sexual bucket list?
OK so first thank you for saying writing helps you process that helped me understand kinda they way I am. Second why didn’t I think to have a sex bucket list before all my surgeries lol. Oh yeah i didnt know about all that back then. Well if I had it do to all over again, what be my bucket list hmmm……. man that’s hard considering it would put him in a bind of being very uncomfortable. Nevertheless I would choose sex in a hotel, cabin, tent, vacation spot anywhere. Be it vanilla or banana split ? but if that would make his last time not that great mentally, then I would have it here at home. Which is what we did.
Yes, thanks for sharing. My husband had what was called the vas-chip. A tiny clip placed on the vas deferens and can be removed within 5 years, kind of like a lap band. Anyways, that was 12 years ago, and the vas clip is off the market and my hubbie still has it…never got it removed. He was down for a week recovering, but was fine sexually after. I pray that the procedure will go smoothly and you have a quick and full recovery in Jesus’ name! Amen!
Well, I had mine done about 20yrs ago now…and never really thought about the risks; I did ask for a second opinion from a different Dr., specifically about procedure used…and I liked his approach better. Yes, failure to prevent is not “really” a major issue, unless there are death potentialities in having another pregnancy. However, all that aside…
My bucket list didn’t and still doesn’t really concern any inability to perform on my part; I would think like the first responder, I would like to make it memorable for both of us, probably by location. This is kind of a hard thing to evaluate because I never really considered a “failure to launch” scenario post-BigV.
Thanks for your thoughts! Hubby had a V probably 13 yrs ago. I had severe thryoid disease then so i wasnt capable of understanding the degree of risk he went through. I did thank him but also felt that it was his “turn” to do something since i did the pill for 7 yrs (which messed me up). I’ll be sure to thank him again – and again. 😉
I don’t think you will regret it! My husband had one a few years back and knowing we are done having biological children for a multitude of reasons it’s soooo nice to NOT have to worry about birth control. It has def added to being spontaneous for us! He said the procedure is worse than the recovery although it doesn’t last very long 🙂 He still said after my hard childbirths he would CERTAINLY do it again. 🙂
Hope things went great! I admire my husband for bravely getting a vasectomy after we finished having children. It’s been a true blessing for us! Let’s hope it’s the same for y’all.
I had my vasectomy over 20 years ago. I had very little pain and no complications. It was one of the easiest medical procedures that I have undergone. I would do it again in a heart beat. However, it did not help our sex life… 🙁
I don’t think I would have a bucket list because I would never have it done. God says children are a gift from him and would NEVER want to block that unless major medical issue were at hand, but still then would be completely relying on God through it. This is not ment to condemn you or others just make sure it’s a God thing and not selfishness of not wanting more children.
Well, I’ve got 5 already…and we’re considering fostering later on. I don’t think it’s a selfishness thing. Actually, I’d be okay with 20. However, pregnancies are getting harder on my wife, as is raising young children, and I’m not ready to have another wife to continue having more kids with. So, yeah, I guess I’m being selfish wanting to keep the one wife I have happy and healthy and sane 🙂
It is selfish. Been there, done it. Regret it every day. Did it before I understood the sovereignty of God, or His wisdom and design. It isn’t like picking a favorite color, it’s a selfish alteration to someone else’s creation.
I’m sorry you feel like you have to live with regret. Perhaps you don’t quite understand God’s sovereignty yet, because that doesn’t sound like something God wants for you.
As for it being a selfish alteration to someone else’s creation, it’s a creation He bestowed to me to be steward of. Granted, I’m not a perfect steward, but I’m doing my best, and I think that’s what He wants. But, if you have any verses denouncing vasectomies, let me know, I’ll be happy to consider them.
Rom 9:20
Psalm 139:14
To start… But penetrating a selfish heart is impossible. I WAS THERE. I know every argument, every Christianese answer. I’m telling you, if you are seeking God, you will find that you regret saying you are a better judge than He of what is good for you.
I counter with Ecc 3:5
Job 40:2-5
Job 42:3
Jesus said he always did those things which please the Father. Is this something you can 100% say is pleasing the father? As in you have no doubt whatsoever? If so, go for it.
I already told you it is selfish. Disprove that statement with scripture rather than seek to justify your position. I’m talking direct suuport. Like ” in xx:xx God says it is good for a man to…” Prove that is a characteristic of God’s nature to continue on your chosen path. Finding a loophole to make yourself okay with your decision does not erase the consequences or the regret.
But not even The Word will penetrate a selfish heart.
I know every good “christian” answer to justify all kinds of stuff.
It doesn’t make any of it admirable or righteous.
I know, you said it was selfish. Luckily, you are not the judge.
I have no need to disprove the statements, because you haven’t offered any justification for yours. I could turn this around on you as well, find me a verse that says “Thou shalt not get a vasectomy.” I already produced a verse that says that there is a time to stop being fertile, from one who was arguably the wisest man ever to live, but that’s not good enough for you. If you won’t accept the Bible, then there is no common ground between us to discuss further. And I don’t think I have any desire to continue this unless you feel a need. You seem not only consumed with regret, but also quite angry. I see that worldly sorrow producing death, and I hope one day you will feel the peace of God and be free from it. In the mean time, I have no wish to give you a space to feed that anger further and bring yourself more harm.
Oh, and you got me, I’m not Jesus. Of that I have no doubt.
Romans 3:10
Regret is feeling repentant over something that has been done, which is a prerequisite to forgiveness. My salvation doesn’t hasn’t on it, but I would rather have chosen God’s will over my own.
2 Corinthians 7:10 – Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death.
So, if you are living with daily regret after repentance, I worry you aren’t listening to God, but to the world. It’s that, or perhaps you misunderstood what you were to feel regret about and still need to repent of something. I don’t know. May your assumption that a vasectomy is wrong is incorrect and that’s what you need to repent about.
I just want to say that for your benefit, I believe that forgiveness is something that has already been bestowed upon us. Christ dies for us thousands of years ago so we would be free from the sin that manifest in our lives, produced by the enemy. So whether or not you believe getting a vasectomy is sinful, you can at least rest in the fact that you have Christ, who died for that sin a long time ago. There is no need to regret. Personally, regret feels like a word that is used to categorize feelings of shame and fear regarding something in your past; and that is not from God, but from the enemy. There is no need to feel that way! You have Christ and you have been made new. If you feel like you did wrong, then learn from it and move on according to who you are in Christ and how you have been made new. You are forgiven and can live out that grace! You have the Holy Spirit inside you and in our new covenant with God we have two things to follow – to love God, and love others. I would challenge you to operate out of your identity in Christ. Have a good day!
Maybe I shouldn’t say anything seeing how I’m the other gender. However when I was considering my tubal (first of a few surgies) I really prayed about it. I even went and asked my pastor was it a sin. His reply was God left that up to spouses to decided. After much prayer the Lord let me know that he has left those decisions up to couples. Now does regret come, sure we’re only human. My pastor even said he knew a couple were the man had a vastectomy and the wife had a tubal and they still had a baby. Those things can’t stop God if he really wants you to have a baby. I had some regret, sadness in fact but with prayer and lots if it I’m ok with my decision. You can’t add to the word nor take from.
So how is it now, a few weeks after?
Pretty good. Had some pain the last couple of days. I think perhaps I should have waited longer to start running again. But today the pain is gone again. We’ll see if it’s still gone after I run tomorrow 🙂
Hope you feel great ASAP.
We’ve talked about permanent birth control, but I think Sexy Corte is going to have a tubal. It’s a harder procedure, but seems less likely to permanently ruin our sex life.
Vasectomies have a higher chance of ruining sex, it’s true. However, tubals have a higher chance of death…which would effectively put a stop to your sex life too…
Not saying don’t do it, just saying don’t think it doesn’t have it’s risks.
Curious, after a few months after getting the vasectomy have your balls completely healed up and if there is a scar does it ever effect your sex life?
Yep, all healed, and there’s no scar to see (or so I’m told). The procedure is done through such a small cut that even when healing, it looked no more than the size of a needle.
I know I’m kind of late coming into this conversation, but I am sooo grateful my husband had a vasectomy. We have 5 children, a little over 6 years. They are older now–15 to 21. We found out we were pregnant for the 5th time 2 weeks before the scheduled vasectomy. My husband said before we started having children that he would have the surgery since I was going to be having so many children. He felt it was a gift he could give me. And I have received it as gift. As a wife, it has totally taken the “stress” out of our sex life. Granted, I made sure he was clear before we had unprotected sex, but for the last 15 years we have been able to have sex whenever and wherever and we both love that freedom. I believe that Jesus came to set us free and there are a lot of decisions that God leaves up to us. I am one wife who is extremely grateful.