It’s often difficult for men to listen to their wife talk about her day. For many men, it’s not something they naturally feel the need to do.
Men tend to more easily compartmentalize their life. When they come home, they want a chance to switch gears, but they don’t feel the need to process what they’re leaving behind. Many women, however, feel the need to emotionally deconstruct the day before moving forward. This is owing to female brains generally being more internally connected. They can’t just drop off one part of their life and pick up another. They’re all connected.
So men get a bit frustrated because most of them can go from work to thinking about sex without skipping a beat, but women need time to put to rest the events of the day, tie up those open loops emotionally, and then they are more available to start thinking about opening new connections. Like intimate connections.
But, men don’t know what to do with this. Because we often don’t feel the need to decompress in that way ourselves, we don’t know how to react. As a result, we often do one of two things, both of which are wrong:
1. We ignore / tune out / barely pay attention
The first thing we do is to just not engage. We don’t know what to do, so we do nothing. In the worst cases, we just ignore or walk away from the conversation. Only slightly better is to pay attention enough to inject the occasional “uhuh”, “oh yeah?” or “really?” just so they think we’re engaged.
The problem is this is so easy to do, but in the end, we’re damaging our relationships. We send the message that what our wife is saying is uninteresting or unimportant. In short, we’re showing contempt for their needs, and that is a very dangerous thing for your spouse to pick up on.
The other issue is that she might ask a question and you might commit to something you aren’t even aware of because you aren’t really paying attention. That leads to a perceived broken commitment, which leads to a lack of trust, and rightly so.
2. We try to fix her day
The other thing that men do is they go into problem solver mode. Our wife is sharing problems, and so we jump in to fix them. Now, we mean well, we want to help, but it’s not helpful. She doesn’t want us to solve the problems in her day, and when we do, it often comes across as “this is what you should have done”.
Plus, because her intention is not to problem solve the day, but rather to process her emotions about the day, it comes across as though we’re not really listening to her. That’s really a communication issue because she’s assuming we have the goal in the conversation as her, but it’s still damaging to the relationship.
So, if we can’t ignore her and we can’t fix it, what’s left? That’s where many men get stuck. They don’t see another option. The one they don’t see is to process the day with her, emotionally.
3. Process with her
What she wants is to share the experience of the day with you. She’s reaching out and trying to engage in experiential intimacy, even though you weren’t there first hand to experience it. This is an opportunity, and an invitation, to grow in intimacy. So, what do you do? When she relays something good, be happy for her, and show her you are happy.
Wife: I got a text from my friend today that hasn’t been returning my texts or calls, and I was worried she was mad at me. Turns out she just broke her phone and never got the messages and she finally got a new one.
Husband: Oh, that must have been a relief.
Wife: A big relief. We’re going to go out for coffee tomorrow to catch up.
Husband: Sounds like that will be fun after being disconnected for so long.
When she relays something not-so-good, then reflect that.
Wife: I was driving home today, and this transport truck came out of nowhere and nearly ran me off the road.
Husband: Wow, that must have been frightening and stressful.
Wife: It was, I felt very shaken for the entire ride home.
Husband: Well, I’m glad you made it home safely.
See, it’s not rocket science. You don’t have to say the perfect thing. You just have to reflect back the emotions she’s already showing. It’s sort of like Active Listening to the next level.
4. Afterwards
Now, if you start seeing patterns in her decompressions, that every day the same thing occurs, then you might want to bring it up later in another conversation. If she’s getting nearly run off the road by trucks on a weekly basis, it might be a good idea to suggest an eye doctor visit in the near future.
Likewise, if your wife asks you for help solving her problems, don’t just reflect her emotions back. She’s asking for your opinion on how to solve it. But, remember, she’s just asking for your opinion. You should give it disinterestedly. By that, I don’t mean don’t be interested, but rather, give it knowing she still has the choice to follow it or not, and don’t get upset if she doesn’t follow your advice.
I hope that helps all the confused husbands out there who don’t know what to say when their wife is telling them about her day. And women, let me know in the comments below, is this what you’re looking for from your husband?
Love this
Thanks Carolyn!
Well stated. I would add that she also wants body language that tells her you’re engaged, such as eye contact. A husband might think he is actively listening to his wife, but if he’s looking at his phone while doing so, it comes across to her as not being fully engaged.
YES. Put down the phone.
Better yet, put your arms around my waist, give me a smooch, and ASK ME how my day went. *swoon*
That’s a good step 2 🙂
Exactly!
Great explanation! My hubby is fantastic at this…but took a few years for him. ?
It took my years to try not to fix things when my wife told me of her day. I still have to learn to do that active listening thing better. Thanks for your help, I will work on this more.
My hubby asks me about my day and I have a hard time coming up with anything to tell him. “Ummm….i scrubbed the toilet and shampooed the carpet?”
I ask him about his and mostly I get a short answer, but sometimes he gives me a long play by play and I find it very challenging not to tune him out.
I am usually cooked by the time he gets home, but I have several hours left of work before bedtime, so I often just want everyone to leave me alone or quietly pitch in. To engage in marital small-talk is bothersome at that time.
This is just a season. Once the kids become more independent with age hopefully I will be up to engaging more.
Thanks. For sharing now I will do better
Praying my husband could get the hang of this! I’d love for us to be reconnected instead of him living with his head in his phone… it would help make a lot of other connections too!
While some of this may be accurate, it is very one sided. The other half of the story is giving men(or anyone for that matter) a chance to decompress the way in which they need. Allowing eachother space or closeness depending on their needs but also being willing to carry the burden for awhile to allow your partner time to rejuvenate their way. My wife talks about every second of her day but when she is done she knows I’m an introvert and get burned out easily so she gives me space. Working with eachother in a way to help carry the load but also have someone to give the load to, and being strong enough to discuss your needs openly. That’s complete commitment.
It was intended to be one sided. Not every post has to include every aspect or side of the relationship. If I did, I couldn’t really explore anything to any depth.
But why do they think the men care
I think it comes from a desire to be known, which all humans have – even if they also have a fear of being known.
Is it possible woman could do what makes sense here and just leave work @ work or keep her personal friendships between her & her friends a relationship between a man and a woman is supposed to be beneficial to the outcome of if u need me I’m there for you.. ai in I lost my job don’t worry babe I’ll take care of things until u get back on your feet.. my car broke down don’t worry babe I’ll give u a ride/help u get it repaired I’m sick don’t worry I’ll nurse you back to health I’m bored then let’s do your favorite thing I’m sad, well let’s cheer you up I’m lonely ill call out from work & let’s spend some time together this is too heavy well let me help u carry it where in a relationship to assist in what one person can’t do alone while trying to still captivate there attention how we smelled how we dressed how our figure muscle tone and wsist size AKA the attraction part the way we did in the beginning as much as some may like to not admit we put forth alot of effort to look good for one another in the beginnings to me those are the important responsibilities of a healthy relationship not this effort tyat takes place more then any of those other things.. correct me if I’m wrong is talking about past events more important then current events? But the point here is well made as to the isolated topic of how does a man entertain his wife about something that has already transpired & or u can’t change anyway example your boss is a ass but there nothing we can do about it.. it’s come s with the job. Everybody’s boss is a ass🤣 why talk about it everyday?
We are the culmination of our thoughts and experiences – why bother getting married if you don’t want to know your wife’s thoughts and experiences – who she is.
Your response may get more attention if it wasn’t a run-on sentence…but as a husband of 25 years, what you’re suggesting isn’t loving, nor is it an attempt to really get to KNOW your wife. If all I did was try to “fix” my wife’s problems, all I’m telling her is that she can’t think for herself or solve her own problems. What you’ve written would imply to my wife that she’s too stupid and without me and my awesome problem-solving skills, she’d be a useless pile of cells. How ever could she survive without me?? My wife loves sharing her day, to include positive and negative things, and now so I can solve all her problems, but so we can have a deeper, more supportive relationship. The way we choose to handle this is…
Wife: wow! what a rough day?
Me: is this a “listening only” conversation, or a “help me fix it” conversation?
Wife: just listening.
Me: Ok, tell me all about it.
If it’s a fixing kind, then I wait for her to finish, I give her options and she can either choose to take my advice or not because my wife is intelligence and can make decisions on her own.
Your statement that it’s a mute point to talk about things that have already happened is illogical to most wives. If you don’t give them the opportunity to decompress, you’ll never truly get to know your wife and you’re missing out on loving her in a way she needs to be loved. And no, not every job has a boss that’s what you’ve suggested. I am in charge of 212 people, and they all know they can come to me with anything to include if they fell I’m acting in a way that doesn’t profess who I am as a man of God, a loving husband, and a father.
If you’re married, may I suggest you drop the “tough guy” act, and soften yourself around your wife. If you’re not married, it would be in your best interest to seek counseling before saying “I do”.