I often read, in forums and comments, complaints from one spouse or another who isn’t getting what they want out of sex. Sometimes it has to do with a very simple problem of the spouses not knowing each other’s goals in a sexual encounter (or all of them).
So, what are some potential goals for a sexual encounter?
Goal 1 – Orgasm
This is typically the default goal. You have sex until you (hopefully both) orgasm, then you’re done. I’m afraid in my marriage, this is generally the goal as well, but thinking about it, why is that the goal? Does orgasm define how pleasurable the sex was?
Not necessarily.
I bet you’ve had amazing experiences where the orgasm ended up being more of a disappointment than anything because the sex felt better than the orgasm itself. Then sometimes you have those orgasms that just blindside you and come out of nowhere from a night of mediocre sex (which, admit it, happens).
Another problem is orgasm as a goal is that sometimes it’s just not going to happen (especially for women). Most women don’t orgasm during every sexual encounter, and many women are pre-orgasmic (they haven’t had an orgasm in their life, yet). So, if you focus on the orgasm, sometimes that’s too much pressure, and focusing on it will actually hinder achieving it. Other times the pressure ruins the entire event because the “goal” wasn’t achieved.
Now, is having an orgasm as a goal a bad thing? Not always. Sometimes you just want a quickie in order to have an orgasm, and there’s nothing wrong with that, so long as it’s not every time.
Sometimes it’s also fun to “race” to an orgasm (see who gets their first) if you tend to orgasm at about the same rate.
Goal 2 – Pleasure
Ever had an amazing night of sex where orgasm wasn’t the point? Everything just felt amazing, and you flowed with whatever felt good. Maybe you didn’t even end up having an orgasm at the end, but the pleasure was out of this world.
These are the types of sessions I’d like to have more of, where orgasm isn’t the “finish line” that we’re chasing, just pleasure itself. So, why don’t we do this?
So often, the rest of life gets in the way, sex becomes a means of stress reduction (orgasm relieves stress), we don’t really have that much time and need to get to sleep, so we try to get it over with as soon as possible. Not that we don’t enjoy sex, but we have things to do.
I want to find a way to slow down, take the time and just enjoy sex, without a thought of what time it is, when the kids are going to be up or what I have to do in the morning.
This is what vacation sex is all about when you don’t take the kids with.
Goal 3 – Exploration
Maybe you’ve read about a position you’ve never tried, or you just read an article about the G-Spot and wanted to explore it. These are the nights where orgasm isn’t the main goal, and pleasure sort of is, but only as a byproduct, your main intent is to explore and learn, try new things.
I’ve heard some sexologists talk about having a “sex lab”. These are specific sessions devoted to learning new things about sex. Now, they aren’t as picky about their partner as we are, but I still think this is a great idea. Why not set aside a night every once in a while, just to explore, to touch and test out new sensations, try a new technique, method, position, where the goal isn’t orgasm, pleasure or anything else other than trying to figure out how to please your partner better.
Goal 4 – Procreation
Trying to conceive can sometimes be a completely new ball game, particularly if you’re having trouble. It can start to feel like a precisely timed and pre-planned event, with no romance, no excitement, no spontaneity.
Make sure you take a break from procreation to remember why sex is fun.
Goal 5 – Connection
You know when you get home from a long trip without your spouse, or you haven’t been able to connect in a while, even though you’ve seen each other every day. You finally get to bed and sex is tender, lots of kissing, lots of eye gazing, just touching and caressing. No one is rushing, the world falls away and it’s just you two together.
These are just some of the main goals we tend to have during sex, there are other goals as well such as comfort and exercise. The problem occurs when you and your spouse have different goals for a specific encounter. For example, if your wife thinks your trying to conceive, and you think you’re going for exploration, she may get quite annoyed, because, well, she’s in baby-making mode, and what your trying to experiment with might not make a baby…
Or maybe you’re interested in a long drawn out pleasurable evening, and your wife is pulling out all the stops to make you orgasm thinking you’re going for a quickie…OK…on second thought, you might be OK with that for the first…20 or 30 times. But after a while, you might want some “gourmet” sex instead of “fast-food” sex.
So, how do we solve this? Of course, as many times, the key is communication. Talk to your partner. My wife sometimes says while climbing into bed “so..it’s late, so we’re going to be quick right?” Which, granted, might not be the sexiest thing to say before sex, but it is pretty clear, and I am one who particularly needs clear direction and signals.
How about you? Do you always go for the same goal? Or do you mix it up intentionally? I challenge you to talk to your spouse about this if you haven’t already.
I guess I’m new commenting here… but I’ve been reading your blog for a while.
I’m trying to imagine a scenario where we are actually having sex but wouldn’t want to finish with orgasms. I can’t seem to come up with any. Yes, necking on the couch, some hot and heavy kissing before rolling over to go to sleep. But, once clothes come off, and especially once the sex organs come into play, we both have the goal of reaching orgasm eventually… be it in 5 minutes or an hour. Now there are occasions when one of us might not get there, but that is the exception, and certainly not the goal. We just eventually give in to the fact that it’s not in the cards for one of us. But to actually plan to not get there… the pent up sexual energy would drive me batty!
Well, welcome to commenting then! And thanks for reading.
I’m not saying orgasm shouldn’t happen, I’m saying sometimes it doesn’t have to be the primary goal. The point is to get out of the mindset of “chasing the orgasm” and instead be more present in the pleasure, in the connection, in whatever your primary goal is. I don’t think there is anything wrong with ending up with both of you having an orgasm, or one, or neither, so long as both are OK with that.
ah, I get it. Then I definitely agree… the goal should be much more than the final orgasm (unless that’s all you have time for) LOL.. I was just sitting here thinking, why on earth would I want to stop before the big bang 🙂
So what is your “goal” in going to church? Could you narrow that down to one goal? Sex, like many things in life, should have multiple goals. Some or one goal will be most important at one time, others at another time.
As you say, communication is needed to know your spouses goals, and which one(s) are most critical.
I would say my primary goal in going to church is to serve God. Within that primary goal I might have others, but I’m not sure that first one should ever be replaced by another goal.
“Ever had an amazing night of sex where orgasm wasn’t the point? Everything just felt amazing, and you flowed with whatever felt good. Maybe you didn’t even end up having an orgasm at the end, but the pleasure was out of this world.”
Actually for me personally, as a guy and one who was tightly circ’d at birth, I cannot imagine this. About two years ago, I started foreskin restoration using tugging. My experience during sex is getting better, even much better than what it was, but no, I cannot imagine having “pleasure that was out of this world” in sex except where it resulted in orgasm. I often aim for orgasm because the only real pleasure occurs at the point of orgasm and shortly before it. The difference between 2 years ago and now is that it was the 30 seconds before orgasm and now it is the minute or two before orgasm.
I think that my wife could relate to what was stated, but I am still working on getting to the place where sex itself, even before the edge of climax, has pleasure that is out of this world.
It’s not until I went to this site that I realized that “a quicky” for everyone else meant 2 minutes or less. Oh my goodness! When the kids were little, sometimes I only had enough energy for a quicky. I never said no. The “quicky” always seemed long to me. I was tired. One time, without my hubby knowing, I timed him on his “quicky”. Yep, just as I figured. It takes him 17 minutes for a “quicky”. No wonder why I was tired with the kids and tired at night. There is never premature ejaculation with us.
The upside to this is that I climax majority of the time when making love. Sometimes our sessions last for hours, from start to finish. Our goal is to have fun. One time, when the kids were little, we were busy having fun. The kids were not totally asleep yet. My hubby and I were laughing with delight. Then, down the hall, I heard, “Stop that laughing!” It was my youngest (maybe age 4) being annoyed with us for laughing out loud. We learned to turn up the bedroom TV volume ever since.
I know! We’ve never really done quickies either until probably the last year. A half an hour used to be a quickie, with a normal session being a couple of hours. We’re starting to get faster though, which is a bit odd. I thought when you got older it was supposed to take longer… We’ve had a few 5 minute sessions now, and some 10-15 minute ones, which really helps our sleep. But sometimes I miss thoughts multiple hour long sessions…just no time or energy for them with 4 kids running around.
Jay,
I want you to hang tight because the kids end up in college, eventually. You can then say…hello fantastic mind-blowing sex again (long sessions). You will have so much energy that you will look back and wonder how you do it with no energy! Trust me!
No worries, we know this is just a season of our life, and there will be others with their own challenges and rewards. Thanks for the encouragement, it is appreciated. Oh, and we’re still having mind-blowing sex…it’s just on a shorter time scale.
My wife sees EYE TO EYE with you Jay Dee!! Many times she tells me WE DO NOT HAVE TO RUN DOWN AN ORGASM, JUST CUDDLING, TOUCHING, AND PLEASURING each other brings her MORE SATISFACTION. At the end of it though, ACHIEVING ORGASM IS OUR GOAL!!There is NOTHING that can take the place of when you Feel the POWERFUL RUSH OF ENERGY AS WE BUILD UP TO ORGASM, & THEN THE POWERFUL BURST AS IT IS ACHIEVED!! Yet I Want to LEARN how to NOT RUN DOWN AN ORGASM and PROLONG THE PLEASURING EXPERIENCE!!