Today we’re going to talk about Christian porn and whether such a thing actually exists. I do a lot of research about sexuality and theology. Those are the two biggest areas of research in my life. It’s no surprise, then, that I eventually started a blog exploring the intersection of these two interests. But my research is not limited to the Bible and personal experience. Before you get scared, let me explain:
I read a lot of books about theology, I also read blogs, and talk to many differing people. I talk to Atheists, Muslims, Buddhists, Agnostics, and people of many other faiths. I also discuss what I believe with as many people from other denominations as I can find because I’m not arrogant enough to think that my denomination, or even Christianity, has it 100% figured out. Don’t get me wrong, I believe Christ is the Way the Truth and the Life, but I respect the Islamic focus on prayer and fasting, the Buddhist focus on peace, Mormon’s devotion to the family and the priesthood, the United church’s focus on accepting everyone, and many many others.
So, what does this have to do with sex within marriage? I also do a lot of research outside of the Christian sphere in regards to sexuality. I read books from humanist authors who push evolution when discussing sex. I listen to Podcasts from non-christian speakers who make fun of Christian family ideals. I read blogs from ex-Christians who think we’re all nuts for thinking there is a God. Why? Because the fact is, there are not many Christians doing ground-breaking work in the sphere of sexuality. So, I listen, I read, I discuss and argue, and I distill it all down, cross-reference with the Bible and what I believe and then, if there is something to be gained from it and it doesn’t contradict the Bible, I share it. This is not the impetus of many of my posts, or even the bulk of my content in a single post, but I learn here and there, little tips, little bits of information, research that is being done and such that help to strengthen the Christian ideal of marriage as God intended. A prime example of information I’ve shared is the post Is Sex A Need Or A Want?
Why the world thinks we need Christian porn
Lately, I’ve been hearing the strangest phrase pop up all over the place: “Christian Porn”. Usually, the context is something like “we need to start making Christian Porn so they [Christians] will get off our case about our [secular] porn.” Generally, the co-host, audience, guest, whatever thinks this is a great idea. I’m usually sitting in my car, in traffic, staring at the radio thinking, or yelling, “Christian Porn can’t exist! It’s an oxymoron!” I mean, the whole idea is ridiculous isn’t it? They don’t understand the idea of keeping yourself for your spouse, of not sharing your sexuality with anyone but your spouse, of keeping your mind purely for your mate. I realized the entire concept is so foreign to them. It has to be completely alien, or none of these people would even suggest something like producing Christian Porn for general consumption. Most thought it was as easy as videotaping a married couple having sex in the missionary position, and that would qualify. Mind-boggling.
When Christians think we need Christian pornography
Sadly, a few years after initially writing this, I started to come across Christians who apparently agreed. They, as Christians, started making porn for Christians. I couldn’t believe it. Some were doing videos, but most were peddling erotica, which to me, is not any better. My past porn addiction included both, so I definitely see how they’re both harmful. As well, I get a lot of emails from people who share how both video and literary forms have damaged their marriages.
They will use the exact same justifications that the secular world was joking about. They only have married people in the stories or videos. They’re only having sex with each other. Therefore, it’s perfectly okay for everyone else to be involved by watching or reading about it and getting turned on.
They’ll further try to wrap it in a Christian blanket by saying their intent it to improve intimacy in marriages. I’m truly saddened by how many Christian men and women fall for this. I’m frankly sickened by the people who are deceiving everyone. I know they’ve deceived themselves, but man, they will fight you with everything they have to hold on to this sin.
Many of their readers and viewers never do share it with their spouse – which shows you that they know it’s sin. Of course, they probably rationalize that their spouse is too conservative and doesn’t understand the principle. It’s amazing the knots we twist ourselves into when we want to justify sin, especially sexual sin.
But, their marriage is still being negatively impacted by it. How could it not be, with a husband or wife who secretly has an entire sex life without their spouse, watching or reading porn that just feeds dissatisfaction with their spouse?
Again, I know, because I experienced this in my own relationship years ago. For years, I knew it was wrong and I wanted to stop, but my brain didn’t want to. Why would it? Pornography is a drug that’s very difficult to get free of.
For those who are struggling with a pornography addiction – you can get free of it. The images will fade in your mind. The new desires you have can be pulled back. You can focus on your spouse for your physical needs like God intended. Quitting was one of the best things I ever did for myself, my marriage and my relationship with Jesus. For years I knew that my church life and my porn habits were contradictory, but it’s hard to quit sexual sins.
I really only did when it finally collapsed and my worlds collided – when my wife asked me point blank if I ever watched porn. Sexual sin can’t survive in the light of day. If you’re open and honest about it, you can quit and be released from the addiction. That doesn’t mean it won’t be a struggle anymore, but as long as you’re hiding it, it will grow and fester in your brain, damaging your relationship, both with your spouse, and your spiritual relationship with God.
Is there any truly Christian pornography?
Then, something happened to change my mind a bit. No, I’m still not thinking the way they are. I still believe that kind of pornography is bad, that it goes against God, the Bible, that it’s sexual sin and has no place in your life, your marriage, for any Christian. But I did have a bit of a paradigm shift.
I was gone for the first 12 days of this month on a mission trip. Now, in the past, during our “barren winter” season of our marriage, when we were sexless (by the clinical definition), 12 days without sex wouldn’t have phased me. Truth be told, I that porn addiction that was feeding that need (in the same way junk food feeds a need for nutrition…). Now that I’m free of it, 12 days without intimacy is torture. Not just the lack of sex, but not seeing my wife, not talking to her (we managed to a couple of times, but not like when I’m home), it all compounds together. In fact, I think I have a new rule: no long trips without my wife again, it’s just too hard.
Anyways, before we left, my wife did something that absolutely blew my mind: She suggested I take some nude photos to “remember her by”. I was stunned but in a good way. We’ve never done anything like this before.
Now, before I continue, disclaimer: Any time you take naked pictures or do anything digitally that you don’t want someone else to know about (by that I mean you’d be embarrassed if they found out. If you’d be ashamed, which is different, then you probably shouldn’t be doing it, or you need to change your definition of shame), make sure you take the necessary precautions. So, I took 4 pictures that were naked, but not explicit. Note: the purpose of these was not masturbatory aids. They were to “tide me over” until I see her again. I have to say, it helped a lot.
My second last night I managed to get WiFi access, but no privacy (no one could read what I was writing, but there were other people in the room), and we were chatting with a lot of “I miss you”, “I can’t wait to feel you again” sort of talk, but nothing explicit. Nevertheless, it definitely got me worked up, and so, after we said our goodnights, I couldn’t sleep. So, I decided to try my hand at writing erotica, for my wife. Now, this was outside of my comfort zone, but I thought about it, and decided it wasn’t against one of my hard boundaries, or my wife’s (as far I knew) and pushing our soft boundaries (our comfort zone) is how we grow. In 2 days, I wrote 3 parts (a page or two each part) and sent them to my wife. She got the last one after I was home already.
Now, I don’t know if it was the stories or the separation, or both, but man, that was good sex. We talked about them and we agreed it was highly erotic (for me to write and her to read and, more importantly, both to share) and we should do it again. I’ll probably write more about this in the future, there’s just too much to tackle in a single post.
So, this brought me back to: What is Christian Porn? I couldn’t find a definition anywhere (surprise surprise), so I’m going to make one up. Here we go:
Christian Porn: Media created by a marital unit, involving no one but the members of said marital unit (in the creation and content), for the expressed consumption by the same marital unit.
– Jay Dee, UncoveringIntimacy.com
I hope that’s both restrictive and free enough. Feel free to quote me.
What about you, have you tried something like this in your marriage? If not, are you open to the idea, or not?