You know what I love about being a Christian marriage educator? Helping people by answering questions they don’t feel they can ask anywhere else. Giving them a safe place to ask it and doing my best to make them feel like they’re not weird for asking it, or having the issue in the first place.
Yesterday I turned my chat on for a bit, and within seconds, someone popped up to ask this:
Okay, so my wife is ticklish and begins to like oral sex, but becomes too ticklish. Do you have any guides on your site of what I can do?
I didn’t have an answer off the top of my head, but said I’d try to write a post about it this week. So, while I’m sitting on the train commuting to work, I thought I’d share some thoughts that might help.
1. Being ticklish is partly psychological
Being ticklish is sort of weird. There’s a huge mental part of it. It’s hard to tickle yourself (I know, some people can) and it’s hard to tickle someone who is angry or upset.
It can also be difficult to tickle someone who is aroused. So, one option is to wait until your wife is more aroused before starting oral sex. I know that sort of messed up the idea of oral being foreplay, but perhaps you can try something else first for a bit before you start oral. Use a vibrator to warm her up, a blindfold to get her more excited, or even tie her hands, if she’s up for that, or click here if you really want to try something new. You can also try out our free Truth or Dare game, as many people report play it with their spouse gets them pretty worked up.
As well, it might be worth seeing if her holding your head helps with the ticklishness. It’s sort of using that “you can’t tickle yourself” trick while still incorporating oral sex.
It could also be that she’s nervous, as that can add to the ticklish response as well. She might be worried about how she looks “down there”, or tastes, or smells, or anything else. Make it clear that this is something you want to do for her and that you love it. She may not believe you at first, but it might help. Women tend to grow up with a lot of negative self-image, not only about their body in generally, but with the sexual parts in particular. That can be quite the wall to get over.
2. Tickling usually occurs with light, focused touch
Tickling generally occurs, especially in situations like this, with light touches that are also focused to a small area. People generally don’t get tickled by you putting your entire hand on their leg. It’s usually trailing fingers or something like that. Likewise, pressure plays a bit part in it. A light touch usually causes more of a ticklish response than a firm grip.
So, when doing oral, start with just grabbing her thighs and kneading them a bit. Not pinching or anything, but just a full hand with a decent amount of pressure, massaging up towards the vulva. Just to help get used to the fact that you’re touching her.
Then, don’t use a flicking tongue or light, teasing kisses. Instead use full mouthed kisses with a flat tongue, and start on the front of the thighs (generally a less ticklish area), and SLOWLY work towards the genitals, kneading with your hands before you kiss an area. If she starts to squirm, go back to somewhere that isn’t ticklish again.
Also, it might help to use lube. A dry drag of fingers, tongue or whatever is far more likely to cause a ticklish reaction than a wet one. And while generally we have saliva in our mouths and women self-lubricate, it might not be enough.
I’d highly suggest the Gelato line of lubricants from System Jo. They sent me a box of samples a while back (I really need to write a review of them), and they’re amazing. Flavours like Creme Brulee, Salted Caramel, Hazelnut Espresso and Tiramisu that taste like you’re eating desert.
Point is, the additional wetness and gliding sensation might help to dispel the feeling of being tickled, plus the flavours can help her feel a bit more comfortable about how she tastes (if that’s an issue for her mentally), though most men seem to indicate they love the taste of their spouse in our surveys.
Those are my suggestions for trying to get past the ticklish oral conundrum. Readers, do you have any tips? Let us know in the comments.
I don’t think my wife is ticklish down there. If I try I can get her going in some other places. However, those techniques are going to be helpful.
Yeah, I am a ticklish person. Even pressure helps. Don’t breathe too much on her or blow. Lube should help. There’s an
Your ideas on arousal are spot-on…lube and firm, sliding touch away from the target areas (!) keep me from tensing up early in the proceedings. Once the fire gets going, he has much more freedom to vary the sensations. He’s also learned to read the first little twitch of a tickle, and now can adapt his touch without the need for words or awkward giggles. Tickles really derail my mind, and it feels like we have to start over sometimes. More touch outside the bedroom will also help! We’ve learned that casual touch throughout our daily activities keeps my body in a different mode…US instead of ME…the next touch becomes more expected rather than a surprise.
My wife is ticklish, I will try some of your recommendations.
Thanks for sharing !
Would love to know if it helps!
Tried it all. Doesn’t work. Any touch that isn’t a firm unmoving hand south of the nipple and north of the knees makes her flinch uncontrollably. I think shes mentally conditioned herself to be ticklish, and won’t try anything to change it… It’s just the “way she is”. Makes sex no fun, and really not worth pursuing anymore. I’m essentially trying not to tickle her the entire time were intimate–which effectively kills my arousal, and essentially takes out all the fun.
Couple that with somebody who doesn’t really want to pursue her own sexual desires, and it’s pretty much a nonstarter from the first moment.
Maybe you’re being too gentle in trying not to tickle her.
We’re married 14 years. I’ve tried every level of pressure sensitivity I can muster, and any possible movement variety. Nothing works. She can’t stand oral sex because if my ear touches her thigh, my cheek touches her inner thigh, I shift with my hands just a little bit, she’ll flinch because of her ticklishness. If I try any manual stimulation, my fingers that aren’t stroking/touching sliding, must be pressed firmly against her. Any other movement makes her flinch.
Maybe this is her physical reality and it’ll never change. After so many years of trying, there’s nothing left for ME to do. It’s up to her to want to figure out if she can change-I can’t do that for her.
It means then, that our sex life is boring, bland, and pretty much not desirable” and she knows it. I accept it. I don’t like it, but I’m tired of trying for so long without any change. It’s tiring, and quite honestly, more frustrating than not having sex.
It’s like someone serving you a beautiful, mouth-watering cheesecake. It looks perfect. There are raspberries and whipped cream on top. And then you take a bite-and you realize it’s really just colored shortening without any flavor. ” And it would’ve better not to have taken a bite at all in the first place, and just admired the beauty instead.
Wait, just because you can’t do oral sex on her means your sex life is boring? There are other things you can do…
No, not just oral. As I said above, any oral or manual (ie using my hand) stimulation is a direct path to accidentally tickling her, because any wayward movement causes her to flinch. The only thing she’s ok with is intercourse. Any other foreplay–even massage–is too ticklish for her.
We’ve tried 2 couple massages, and she’s told me that most of the time she’s writhing from the professional masseuse’s touch. It’s not enjoyable for her.
If you’ve got the magic solution, Jay Dee, I’m all ears. But the standard “just try another way of touching her” doesn’t fly anymore–we’ve tried it all over the last 14 years. She’s just far too ticklish to enjoy any foreplay. It’s been this way since our honeymoon.
She’s generous (though a bit reluctantly, I think) in our sex life. But it’s a one-sided affair. Because she’s so ticklish, I’m not allowed to give her oral sex or use my hands around her private areas at all.
So, like I said, after 14 year of trying, I’m too tired of pushing her to figure out why she’s so ticklish. It’s in her court. If she wants to enjoy sex, she has to want to figure out this issue. I’m tired of pushing her and making sex an exercise in where NOT to touch her.
Have you tried her putting her hands on too of your hands and having her hands guide your hands movements?
Likewise with oral sex put her hands on your head and have her guide your head?
She is probably ticklish because of anxiety from loss of control. I had a friend that had motion sickness in cars so bad she would throw up. However, when she was driving she never got sick so same concept here.
Let me know, thanks
No luck. Didn’t work.
Hello PB, if you’re still out there, still frustrated, and still married, I’d love to chat. I’m 6 years married with a woman who sounds similar to your wife. I oscillate between trying something different, getting frustrated, and then giving up…. But, I’m currently coming out of “given up” and looking for new things to try again. Like you, I’ve had plenty of the frustration, and gone through a fair amount of just giving up from time to time.
Oh, I may sound like a fool, but I’m starting to think my wife may have never, ever in her life experienced orgasm. I truly don’t know if she’s ever had one with me. I’ve also figured out that sex wasn’t/isn’t a priority for her mother, and eventually her father gave up on the marriage, and no one but me seems to see a possible connection there. Anyway, got lots of ideas here but haven’t yet figured it out. Maybe that’s my life’s challenge!
Why don’t you ask her if she’s ever had an orgasm?
As a very ticklish women my husband and I have been married seven years . He hates that I’m ticklish but he know how I am . I still do oral on him and we still do other positions . Maybe it’s just something she can’t get over not from lack of trying . Sometimes it’s just something you can’t change . But you don’t need oral or to use your fingers to please her . My husband still please me and I please him trust me we have had three kids in four years .
I cannot believe you put in print ticklish is a mental issue! It is a neurological process involving tactile receptors. I wish you had more education on the topic you chose to write about.
I didn’t. I said that part of it was a mental issue. Yes, some of it is neurological, but some is psychological. That’s why you can tickle someone without even touching them. Clearly that’s example is not a neurological issue. For a lot of people, it’s the idea that makes them feel ticklish.
Hi. I’m in the same boat. Everything I try to do oral is ticklish I loose my interest when this happens so I give up getting real tired of it