I received this question yesterday morning from our anonymous Have A Question page:
Hi JD, do you think it’s okay for me to use a vibrator to orgasim next to hubby after he has fallen asleep after sex? He does give me orgasims during sex a lot of the time. Sometimes he’s finished and I’m content not to have an O so I will just go to sleep. But sometimes I’m all worked up and he’s finished, but I want to O too! I’m not sure if I should suck it up and wait until next time or if I should wake hubby enough to ask if it’s okay? Or just do it! I’m not sure if this is solo sex (not a good idea) or if I’m sharing it with him. I feel like I’m sharing with him, but he’s fallen asleep so doesn’t know! Should I tell him in the morning? I have told hubby before that I would find it really hot to wake up to him masterbating next to me in bed, but that he should make sure to wake me so that I can enjoy him doing it. I don’t want him masterbating alone. [sic]
My regular readers know my stance on solo masturbation. In fact, I have many posts on the subject, and a podcast episode too. Hopefully they also know my stance on mutual masturbation.
In short: I believe solo masturbation harms a marriage, but mutual masturbation can build it up. To me, it’s about the relationship more than the physical activity.
In our marriage, if one of use reaches orgasm before the other, it’s assumed that the one who had an orgasm will help the one who did not achieve one, if they so desire. In short, both of us get to orgasm if we want to (and are able to).
And we’re not shy about it. If one of us achieves orgasm first, one of two things might happen, but they will happen:
Either the one who had an orgasm will offer to help the other. Or the one who hadn’t will request help. Now, it doesn’t need to be formal or difficult. Often it’s simply phrased as a “do you want one?” or “your turn”.
But, it wasn’t always like that. We went years before figuring out this dynamic, which is simply based on wanting the best for your spouse. The idea of falling asleep before my wife is satisfied is … well, it just doesn’t enter my mind. I don’t think it does for my wife either.
So, how do you start if you don’t have this dynamic in your marriage? Well, I think, in your case, when your husband has an orgasm, give him a second to catch his breath and say something like “That looked like a good one. I want one too! Want to give him a hand?” then give him a sexy smile. Make it playful.
It doesn’t have to be too serious or “Hey, you got one, where’s mine?” Let’s not making this an obligation, but rather entice him into wanting to give you one.
For most men, giving their wife an orgasm comes with a sense of accomplishment, so it shouldn’t be too hard to encourage him to help you. Most men also have a fantasy of watching their wife masturbate, so if he is too tired or still needs to catch his breath just say something like “Take a minute to catch your breath. I’ll get a head start.” Then he knows you’re up to something. If he falls asleep, at least he’s there and aware of what’s going on (if not conscious). It’s not ideal, but sometimes it’s really hard to stay awake after an orgasm. Then again, having my own personal x-rated show going on in front of me somehow manages to perk me up a bit.
I hope that helps.