I received this question yesterday morning from our anonymous Have A Question page:
Hi JD, do you think it’s okay for me to use a vibrator to orgasim next to hubby after he has fallen asleep after sex? He does give me orgasims during sex a lot of the time. Sometimes he’s finished and I’m content not to have an O so I will just go to sleep. But sometimes I’m all worked up and he’s finished, but I want to O too! I’m not sure if I should suck it up and wait until next time or if I should wake hubby enough to ask if it’s okay? Or just do it! I’m not sure if this is solo sex (not a good idea) or if I’m sharing it with him. I feel like I’m sharing with him, but he’s fallen asleep so doesn’t know! Should I tell him in the morning? I have told hubby before that I would find it really hot to wake up to him masterbating next to me in bed, but that he should make sure to wake me so that I can enjoy him doing it. I don’t want him masterbating alone. [sic]
My regular readers know my stance on solo masturbation. In fact, I have many posts on the subject, and a podcast episode too. Hopefully they also know my stance on mutual masturbation.
In short: I believe solo masturbation harms a marriage, but mutual masturbation can build it up. To me, it’s about the relationship more than the physical activity.
In our marriage, if one of use reaches orgasm before the other, it’s assumed that the one who had an orgasm will help the one who did not achieve one, if they so desire. In short, both of us get to orgasm if we want to (and are able to).
And we’re not shy about it. If one of us achieves orgasm first, one of two things might happen, but they will happen:
Either the one who had an orgasm will offer to help the other. Or the one who hadn’t will request help. Now, it doesn’t need to be formal or difficult. Often it’s simply phrased as a “do you want one?” or “your turn”.
But, it wasn’t always like that. We went years before figuring out this dynamic, which is simply based on wanting the best for your spouse. The idea of falling asleep before my wife is satisfied is … well, it just doesn’t enter my mind. I don’t think it does for my wife either.
So, how do you start if you don’t have this dynamic in your marriage? Well, I think, in your case, when your husband has an orgasm, give him a second to catch his breath and say something like “That looked like a good one. I want one too! Want to give him a hand?” then give him a sexy smile. Make it playful.
It doesn’t have to be too serious or “Hey, you got one, where’s mine?” Let’s not making this an obligation, but rather entice him into wanting to give you one.
For most men, giving their wife an orgasm comes with a sense of accomplishment, so it shouldn’t be too hard to encourage him to help you. Most men also have a fantasy of watching their wife masturbate, so if he is too tired or still needs to catch his breath just say something like “Take a minute to catch your breath. I’ll get a head start.” Then he knows you’re up to something. If he falls asleep, at least he’s there and aware of what’s going on (if not conscious). It’s not ideal, but sometimes it’s really hard to stay awake after an orgasm. Then again, having my own personal x-rated show going on in front of me somehow manages to perk me up a bit.
I hope that helps.
In our bedroom, we pretty much have the same mindset as you do. If one gets to the finish line first, they assist the other or encourage the other to continue while we enjoy the show. Hubby thinks it’s so hot to watch me and most of the time he’ll lend a helping hand, too. If I was first to O, I’ll help him with either manual or oral stimulation. Sometimes he takes control of the joystick himself. At first, he was very self conscious but he got over that quickly when he realized there would be no judgement and it could be HOT for both of us!
This is our second marriage and my hubby’s first wife (of 20+ years) was close minded and judgemental. She had very rigid (puritanical even?) views on what was acceptable and what wasn’t. One of them was often left unsatisfied and taking matters into your own hands (while still together even) was a big no-no.
We are 47 and 50, been married for 5 months and are having fun learning what works for us. Happily, we’re able to talk about everything and experiment within our physical and moral comfort zones.
JD describes more or less how the dynamic is with my wife and I too. It usually takes my wife longer, but I don’t stop participating until she gets there. I will slightly disagree with his answer… if the input is a rigid “your husband constantly leaves you hanging”, I would consider in this specific case, taking matters into your own… erm, hands, a better alternative than being frustrated. The reason I say this is because in this case, I think being frustrated with your marital sexual relationship is more harmful to your marriage than you finishing on your own. However, it is important to note that I am specifically talking about two bad choices, and offering my opinion on which is worse — and in this case I think the harm of being very frustrated with sex because you don’t get to finish is worse than being a little frustrated because you have to do it yourself while he snores. And I will add — this is specifically talking about a case where you had mutual sex first, and the being left hanging is attached to mutual sex. In this case, you’re damaging your opinion of mutual sex by leaving yourself hanging, not getting hot and bothered on your own.
But the *better* solution is for your husband to learn to not be selfish and help you get there too. I mean, I know quite well that an orgasm will cause you to relax, but the whole roll over and hit the pillow snoring is an overdone stereotype. It’s not THAT hard to stay involved for a little while longer. One suggestion not in JD’s response would be to talk to your husband (not right before or during sex) and explain to him that your willingness and enthusiasm for having sex would be much higher if you knew that he’d make sure you were taken care of too, even if he finishes first. For most guys, an extra 10-15 minutes of after effort in exchange for more frequent and enthusiastic sex is a good deal even before considering that it’s also the unselfish and loving thing to do too.
Josh, I completely agree with you. I personally have a problem where my wife will start to play with me, and then not even get to sex. Not even coitus interruptus, more like foreplay stopus :-). She initiates and then gets going really good and totally stops. 21 years of this.
We have had many a discussion over this. If I were to take Jay’s advice, I should just suck it up and remain sexually frustrated. This is NOT what is in God’s design for marriage.
You have misinterpreted my advice wildly…I have never suggested “just sucking it up”. This seems to be a common fallacy, that the choice is to masturbate or give up. People don’t want to take the harder stance of taking a stand.
A common fallacy that people assume this stance. Hmm, at least you are acknowledging the issue. Now let’s try the next logical step, it is the responsibility of the one making a point to communicate the point clearly. So that is is understood as they mean it. If there is misinterpretation, and as you indicate it is common, maybe the problem is not the one(s) that have misunderstood.
I have noted on many of your posts that you seem to get quite defensive when people take you wrong, could it be that you are not communicating what you are trying to say very well?
Quite frankly I have, as you have stated, taken the ‘harder stance’ as you so call it, and to this day it does not work. 21 years of apologies and excuses, etc… . Is that really what we are called to do?
I’m not sure I’d call that a logical step. If it was, then, by the same token, you would be required to blame God for people misinterpreting scripture.
As for being defensive…I can see how in today’s age, standing up for what you believe could be misconstrued as being defensive. It’s rarely done anymore.
As for taking a ‘harder stance’, I would be curious to see how you specifically interpret something like Matthew 18:15-17 into this context.
First step is communicating with your husband and suggesting some ideals. One of the things that helps us is using a vibrator while making love? How much use it gets all depends on how much time we have, our moods and need. She will also ask for it if she just can’t get over the hump and feels like she is taking to much time.
Also, next time he finishes before you ask him about helping you out to achieve an O, and then both of join together to help you achieve. Don’t be surprised if you end having another round 😉 of love making.
Here is an alternative that is a win win for both parties. Have your hubby lie on his back and you mount him in the “reverse cowgirl” position facing away from him. In this way you can control the speed of thrusting and you can also place a vibe between your legs so that you can orgasm while having intercourse. I suggest the Hitachi Magic Wand as it is literally the most powerful vibe made and you can’t help but to have multiple orgasms with it.
I tell men that sex feels good, why do you want to rush through it? By taking control you keep him from orgasming too soon plus if you have the lights on or multiple candles he can see himself entering you which is a turn on.
Just saying
“you can’t help but to have multiple orgasms with it.” Not all women have multiple orgasms. I’ve spoken to a few that own magic wands and still have yet to have a single orgasm…ever.
After the main show, I always hold my gal close and whisper my love and urgings to her while she tucks her finger to just the right spot. It’s beautiful and besides, women have so much more capacity for orgasms. For women, there’s always one more in the bank, so to speak. It’s why we’re here on this earth, to enjoy each other. I agree with Jay, these are mutual admiration activities. Single play depletes energy and affections far better spent with your love, especially men with their porn. So get to it, together! And don’t forget the coconut oil!
I haven’t been around much, but this one popped up in my email, so what the heck, my two cents worth. Cheers!
In our marriage it’s always been “ladies first.” Er, lady… just the one lady. This isn’t entirely self-less on my part, as much as practical.
I suppose this may not be the case for everyone, but in our context, her orgasm isn’t the end of things. She can keep going afterwards, whereas I can’t. At least not with intercourse.
If I might make a suggestion, consider talking to your husband about changing the order of operations, so to speak. If falling asleep immediately is consistently happening, mention the frustration this is causing and ask if it would be possible for him to take care of you first, whether through intercourse or any other method that he can handle. Throughout all this, make sure that you are still meeting his needs so he doesn’t begin to experience the same frustration. Work together on it.
I hope you see some improvement and relief!
Agreed. Lady first for us. Can result in multiples or if not, at least she had one. Also uses less lub that way to. It is a win-win in my book.
I’ve had some people insist that the women should always orgasm first, but there are women who don’t want to, at least not every time. And I can understand why. I mean, if you have an orgasm first, then you have sex and get wound up again…and then he’s done, but you’ve already had one, but you don’t want to take all the time to get another one….so then you’re sort of left…aroused, but not interested in following it through.
I think sometimes it would be nice to be able to have a nice orgasm and then go to sleep. Just my thoughts.
Having the orgasm first can work well if you are muti-orgasmic, but some women are anorgasmic and pushing for her to go first would be not only counter-productive but potentially frustrating on likely both a physical and emotional level. This is one of those situations where having some very specific knowledge or you partners sexual nature is important. If your husband has a time-limit on the viability of his erectile firmness or suffers from PE, the two of you may want to try for her satisfaction first, IF she is orgasmic of course.
There are also women whose men are in suitable sexual health, but the women often needlessly concern themselves that they are taking too long. If his erection and arousal will last an hour, for most any man an hour will still be 30 minutes shorter than he’d like. 🙂 But, if your wife is one of these, getting her orgasm out of the way may allow her to feel your lengthy efforts are for your shared pleasure and she will not feel she is part of a problem but part of your pleasure as she should be.
I too have had women tell me that there are times when an orgasm is not necessary, that they find sufficient satisfaction in the sex alone. Nope. I don’t get it either, but I trust they are speaking the truth.
“I think sometimes it would be nice to be able to have a nice orgasm and then go to sleep. Just my thoughts.”
It’s nice to just have a nice orgasm; sleep or no. Just my thoughts.
I would want my wife to wake me up and ask for an orgasm. It would make me happy to have her ask.
Ditto, LDM.
Agreed.
It’s logical that DW orgasms first. Once DH does that is usually the end of it. Wish mine would wake me up to share her MB. No it is wrong to do it alone always wake me up to watch and vice versa. Actually these might be good principles to have more unplanned sex.