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SWM029 – Fantasy affairs, anal sex, golden showers, work during sex and low drives

Episode 29 of the podcast.  Here are the questions I’m answering today:

Question 1

194 – My question is about lust. Here’s my problem. I absolutely adore my wife and I think she has a ton of sex appeal. Problem is a lot of men do also. I know this because I hear it regularly from men about how lucky I am. So hearing this from other men does make me thankful for having a wife of that sort it also makes me want to share her sex appeal with others to appease me.  But here’s the bigger problem, that lusting has turned into even more over the years. Now I lust over her being with another guy. … Now I want to see her please another man orally. And I truthfully don’t think it’s for me to watch him in pleasure but more so to watch her perform the act and lust over her. So my question is. Is this a sin since I’m lusting over my own wife? And also if it is how can stop it?

Question 2

191 – When it’s between a husband and wife is anal sex a sin?

Question 3

189 – I have been searching your blog for something on “golden showers” but I cannot find anything. Like rimming, this is something few Christians talk about and those who do paint it in a negative light. I have the desire to be the recipient of it. My wife has refused to pee on me, at least for now, but I am still dealing with the desire. Many Christians would have me believe it is a wrong desire, but I am not convinced. I am curious as to your thoughts on this.

Question 4

184 – How much of the work of sex should the wife be doing? My husband has much more energy and stamina for thrusting but I know he would appreciate me doing more

Question 5

182 – Hi, I have been married 18 years and my wife’s drive is way low . Once a month or every other month is good for her. I have tried to talk about it and it is always a fight. I love her very much but this is getting harder and harder as the years go on.

Links mentioned in the episode

DietBet.com game – http://uncoveringintimacy.com/dietbet

What Do Wives Want – http://uncoveringintimacy.com/wdww

Uncovering Intimacy Champions & the secret Facebook page – http://uncoveringintimacy.com/champion

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7 thoughts on “SWM029 – Fantasy affairs, anal sex, golden showers, work during sex and low drives”

  1. Anonymous says:

    A certain politician has brought “golden showers” into conversation recently. There is little research on urophilia (urine related fetishes), and the research that I can find suggests it’s common enough that most people have heard of it but not near a top 10 list.

    I’m not sure that Humiliation is the only reason people may find this stimulating. I 100% agree that if the purpose is to humiliate or to be humiliated then that is out of bounds. I think it may also be that people are intrigued generally by the taboo. Also, our “gross” response is finished when we are dialed down when we are turned on.

    As with all things fetish, I believe both parties need to be in agreement and neither pressured. Our relationship with God and your spouse is much more valuable than one intrigue.

    Jay, as usual, gives good advice to choose your thoughts so they don’t choose for you!

  2. A says:

    I cannot honestly say I am defending golden showers as this has never been something that appealed to me or my husband.

    However, if we use ‘degrading’ as the standard by which we decide a sexual practice is acceptable or not I can easily see the wife swallowing semen as degrading, similarly the wife being ejaculated on (face, neck, etc.) As well as bondage being degrading….

    I’d be interested to see if anyone else weighs and also to see the differences between golden showers vs. some of these other sexual practices.

    1. Jay Dee says:

      I don’t think it’s “the” standard, but I think it’s part of it. As for what is degrading or not, I think if that opinion is held by either spouse, then that act should be considered unacceptable.

      I can certainly see why some people might see swallowing or being ejaculated on as degrading, but I can also see how for others it wouldn’t be. I can’t quite see that for urination. Perhaps it’s just a personal bias.

  3. Joe says:

    A sexless marriage is clinically described as a married couple that copulates 10 or less times per year. There are plenty of sexless marriages in the church, and based on the amount of letters/email you receive. I think you would agree. While there is plenty of research done on libidos and sex drives, there is very little research on sexless marriages. If you peruse the numerous forums and message boards dedicated to the subject, you will find that very few marriages escape it. Your descriptions for differences in libido leave much to be desired. Given testosterone levels are normal, all men are spontaneously aroused. Put a woman on testosterone treatment and she too will become spontaneously aroused. Even an antidepressant such as Bupropion has been clinically proven to make women spontaneously aroused. More importantly, sex is such a sensitive subject, in such marriages, that one spouse will refuse to openly and honestly discuss the subject enough to look at any remedies. Since they are happy with the status quo. A very common cause I have seen in christian marriages, is the wife, who fought so hard to remain a virgin up until marriage, struggles to reconcile being required to openly be a sexual being. Granted, there seems to be just as many men withholding sex from their wives, as wives withholding sex from their husbands. While I don’t any research to back the claim, I am pretty confident this is the primary cause for infidelity and divorce in christian marriages.

    1. Jay Dee says:

      Yes, I’m aware of the clinical definition, I mention it often in various posts. The currently accepted estimate is that 10% of marriages are clinically sexless, though that’s in the general populace. It may be higher in churches. I’ve seen no research to support or deny that. As you say, there’s little research done there.

      The systems that combine to make up “sex drive” are varied and complex. I can’t cover it all in a single podcast episode. I do have a short pdf on the topic expanding it more here but, that too is shortened and links to 4 or 5 different posts on the subject. Because while we call Low-T a “cause” it’s really only an effector of the systems that are driving the actual mechanism. As well, “Low-T” is hard to pin down, because while there’s an accepted standard range for men and women, the truth is, what’s high for one person may be low for another and still fall into the “normal” range medically. I’ve seen no research anywhere to suggest that all men with “healthy” testosterone levels will be spontaneously aroused. In fact, any time I see the term “all”, it’s suspicious. And I’ve talked to many women that have tried testosterone treatments with no effect.

      As well, antidepressants affect people in a different way. My wife has been on bupropion for years and I can guarantee you it doesn’t increase sex drive. In fact, she is now coming off of it and her sex drive is finally returning. So, I’m afraid I don’t buy that “clinically proven” assertion because it’s personally proven otherwise. And there is a huge body of personal experiences I’ve gotten saying the same thing. There is no “cure-all” for sex drive because it’s too complex.

      However, the most common cause that I see for “low sex drive” are: misunderstanding of sex drive and arousal inhibitors. People think they’re low-drive or their wife is merely because they don’t get spontaneously aroused, or because when they do, it’s too subtle.

      And I’ve also seen no evidence to suggest that men withholding sex are as frequent as women withholding sex. It happens more often than people think that men withhold sex (about 10% of marriages), but I don’t believe they’re anywhere close to the same.

      Lastly, the primary cause of infidelity is rarely about sex and all the research agrees with that. Most affairs start as emotional affairs before moving to physical ones. The primary cause of divorce is affairs, but again, since affairs are generally not about sex, the neither are the divorces. The other causes are weight gain, money, lack of communication (this I’d say is the primary cause of most issues), abuse, incompatibility (which I think is really a communication issue), unhappiness and addiction.

      1. joe says:

        Look, we can both argue based on semantics, but that solves nothing. Raised libido is a side effect of Bupropion, listed on the box, and has been proven by clinical trials. No Rx will work on everyone, yet it doesn’t dismiss the scientifically proven claims. I won’t go further regarding the state and cures for libido issues as there are two sides: mental and physical. There are numerous cures for anyone’s physical inability to be aroused, which is why I brought up Testosterone and Wellbutrin. The mental aspects are more aloof and up for much debate, from which is pointless to argue. If you have not been exposed the amount of women complaining of their male spouses’ lack of sex drive, I advise you to read a few sexless marriage message boards such as reddit’s deadbedroom, iliasm.org, sexlessmarriage.yuku.com, and the archives of experienceproject (I Live in a sexless marriage). You will find about half of the participants are women. Regarding affairs and divorce, a simple google search will show that most are caused by one spouse feeling an emotional disconnect, which is a side effect of ALL couples with longterm sexual drama. Again, spend 5 minutes perusing the links I provided. By the time someone reaches out for help in a relationship where there is a great imbalance in sexual desire, the biggest obstacle isn’t the sex, but getting the other spouse to even admit there is a problem. One spouse can’t save a marriage. Godspeed with your blog and podcast.

        1. Jay Dee says:

          Most of the studies have noted that bupropion is not only as effective as other antidepressants but has the advantage of a lower impact on sexual functioning. Some other studies have found that bupropion can even enhance sexual function in certain individuals. – http://www.peoplespharmacy.com

          Side effect does not mean “clinically proven to”, it means it can, in some cases. Verbiage is very important.

          And yes, I get many emails from women, but that doesn’t mean it happens more often. We also have a cultural bias so that men think it’s “normal” if they are rejected, whereas women think something is wrong with them.

          That’s the problem with always reading one side of the discussion as on those sites, which, yes, I’m aware of. I’ve been in a sexless marriage too. Still in the same marriage. It’s just no longer sexless.

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