SWM010: All you want is sex
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For the first half of our marriage, I heard from my wife many times “All you want is sex”, because sex was probably the biggest are of conflict in our marriage. Since then, I’ve seen it many times in emails and comments from lower drive spouses, or from the high drive spouses complaining about the complaints of their low drive spouse.
Some of them are accused of being obsessed with sex, some believe that it’s their sinful nature that’s causing the desire, some think it’s a character deficit to be overcome, and, sadly, I’ve heard too often from high-drive spouses “I wish God would take this desire away from me”.
Misunderstanding the desire to have sex
- For some men there is a definite physical need, which makes us constantly aware of our sexuality
- Oxytocin is the bonding hormone, it’s what makes us feel emotionally connected
- One source of oxytocin (arguable the primary source in men) is through sex
- Sex makes us feel emotionally bonded and connected
- Sex chemically makes us feel loved and secure in our relationship
Miscommunication about the desire to have sex
- Often we don’t understand how sex, oxytocin and feeling bonded and emotionally secure work together
- Because of this misunderstanding, we don’t communicate well
- We say “I want sex” when we mean “I want intimacy”, “I want to feel connected”, “I want to feel secure” or “I want to feel loved”
- This miscommunication makes our spouses believe that we only want their body, when in fact, we want an emotional connection to them
Back when my wife said such things I asked her: if she was right and that really was all I wanted, why did I remain a faithful husband? What I wanted was sex *with her*, and not with anybody else. That ‘with her’ part is pretty important to me. A husband’s desire for his wife was put there by God and I don’t feel inclined to apologize or make excuses for feeling that way toward my wife. She has learned to take it as a compliment when I express desire for her, even if the timing is bad.
I think that sometimes when a wife says “all you want is sex” can really be her hurt speaking. Perhaps what she really means is “I don’t feel loved by you, I feel used by you”. Perhaps when a husband hears “all you want is sex” his reply should be more along the lines of what can do to make his wife feel loved. What can he do to put her first, instead of himself. IMO, a good-willed Christian would always want their spouses wishes to come first. It’s a hard balance, but BOTH can put the other first. Both spouse need to learn to give and receive. If the wife’s Love Language is ‘words of affirmation’ (NOT compliments) then if a husband affirms his wife’s value, then she would want, in turn, to affirm his value. For a lot of husbands, their need to quit thinking sex means THEY are loved, and for a lot of wives, they need to understand that sometimes sex DOES mean they are loved. It’s all ‘a mystery’, as God intended.