SWM 146 – Legalistic vs Loving Approach to Marriage – Shifting from Rules to Relationship

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In my work as a marriage coach, I often see couples transition from one type of marriage to another. There’s no clear line between these states, no set of rules that definitively places someone in one category or the other. Yet, by observing how they handle conflict, express themselves, and interact in small ways, you can often tell which state their marriage is in.

A big part of my job as a coach is helping people shift from one type of marriage to another as most issues in marriage are resolved by doing so.

The honeymoon phase

When we first get married, we’re often full of hormones that keep us feeling infatuated—especially if you waited to have sex until marriage. We think we’re being selfless because we’d do anything for our spouse, but the truth is, we’re really just enjoying how it makes us feel. Every smile and laugh they give, or even act of service we do for them feels amazing, and we love that feeling.

But eventually, it wears off. The honeymoon period fades, and we realize that doing the dishes, making the bed, or even having sex for our spouse doesn’t feel amazing anymore. That’s when our selfishness starts to show. It wasn’t about them—it was about how it made us feel.  Most don’t realize this though – they just feel like they’re fallen out of love, or they blame their spouse for not being like they were in the beginning of the relationship.

Of course, that’s quite possible as their spouse may no longer be infatuated with them either, and so perhaps they’re feeling the same way.

This shift happens at different times for everyone. Often, spouses don’t reach this point simultaneously, which can lead to conflict. One spouse may still feel infatuated while the other doesn’t, causing more confusion and hurt. In truth, neither spouse has truly learned to love selflessly yet. 

The shift to a rules-based marriage

Over time, we often slip into a rules-based approach to marriage, which can feel transactional. We start thinking, “I’ll do X if you do Y for me.” I often hear wives say, “I should have sex with him more because he’s a good husband and does X, Y, and Z for me.” Marriage becomes a trade-off. This is why advice and jokes about compromise are so common—it’s everywhere. We create rules and protocols to act loving when we don’t feel like it, not because we want to love but because we fear the other person will stop doing things for us.

Often, these rules act in the same way that the Recommended Daily Allowance (RDA) for minerals and vitamins were set initially – they were not designed for optimal living but rather to stave off some disease.  For example, the original RDA for vitamin C was set at a level that, below it, people tended to get scurvy, and above it, they didn’t.  It doesn’t mean they operate effectively at that level; it’s just that you’ll avoid some serious diseases that you may get if you’re below the level.  

Often, people approach marriage in the same way as the original RDA standards.  They ask questions like “How much sex are people having per week?” because if they’re at or above that amount, they feel they’ve done their job – they passed the test.  And in the same way as the old RDA standards, yes, if you’re having sex once a week (the average in many of my surveys), then you will likely stave off some horrible issues in your marriage.  But it doesn’t mean it’s optimal.

The risks of a rules-based marriage

A rules-based marriage often feels more like a business relationship than a loving partnership. You start to feel like roommates rather than lovers. Your relationship becomes about checking off tasks, exchanging favors, and keeping score. Conversations revolve around schedules, grocery lists, repairs, and finances. Sex becomes routine, maybe even efficient, and expressions of appreciation and gratitude fade away. When this happens, you’re firmly in a rules-based marriage. It’s legalistic, not loving. You’re trying to act loving, but the rules—not love—are driving the relationship.

This is when people often start to wonder, “Is this all there is?  Is it just going to be like this for the rest of our lives?”  This relationship dynamic is when affairs happen because someone comes by who is infatuated with them. They get infatuated, suddenly everything is exciting and new, and they feel loved and loving.  They think, “This is what I’ve been missing – this is what it should be like,” not realizing it’s actually a step backwards.  If that relationship continues, it will end up in the same place.  

Now, not everyone has an affair, of course.  Most marriages don’t involve affairs, contrary to some’s beliefs.  There has to be opportunity, and not everyone has that.  The opportunity has to be recognized as well.  And, of course, there has to be a willingness to take the opportunity.  Some who would have cheated never got the opportunity, and some who got the opportunity didn’t recognize it, and some had the opportunity, recognized it and chose to keep their vows.  

The longer you stay in this dynamic, the harder that choice becomes.

Breaking free from the rules-based dynamic

People break out of that dynamic in a few ways. 

Some get closer to God, and that, in turn, changes their stance in their relationship.  As you grow closer to God and learn about love, eventually, if it’s genuine, it will spill out into the rest of your life.  It can’t not do so.  If you think you’re a good Christian with a good relationship with God, but it doesn’t carry over into your marriage – you’re fooling yourself, and maybe everyone else too, but not your spouse and not God.  They see the facade for what it is.  That doesn’t mean you have a good marriage – that takes two people, after all, but it does mean you should be a good spouse if your relationship with God is good.

Some realize they’re not happy, and rather than run from the situation, they double down – they choose to do the loving things, even when it’s not fair, when it’s not being reciprocated, when they don’t feel like it.  They choose to love for the sake of loving the other person.  It’s a risky move because, by the very nature of self-sacrificial love, there’s no guarantee that it will be reciprocated.  You may end up loving someone who doesn’t return it to you.  

But that’s a relatively rare case, as far as I can see.  In most cases, that choice of selfless love inspires the other spouse.  It most likely won’t be immediate, but it tends not to lag too far behind.  Sometimes, it can take years, but that’s also relatively rare.  I don’t often see couples where one is being selfless, and the other is selfish.  I think I saw that only once in the last decade that I can recall, and there were some mental illness issues at play.

And then, in a few cases, the spouses make that leap together.  This leap usually happens through some event.  They read a book that encouraged it together, and they took up the challenge together.  They had conversations about it and chose to do it simultaneously.  Or, what I see most often is that they start coaching, usually for some other reason, and in trying to resolve the issue they came to coaching for, I try to lay out the framework for this better way, and they take it up.  

Changing your relationship dynamic takes time

These usually aren’t light-switch moments, either.  It’s not like one day they were one way and the next they were the other.  Instead, it’s a slow process of reinventing yourself, reprogramming your mind, changing your habits and building a new mindset.  I see them think one way, catch themselves sometimes and reframe in the moment.  I love it when I can watch it happen in real-time.  It involves practice and setbacks.  I use rules and protocols to build it because when you’re in a rules and protocols mindset, they can work when leveraged appropriately.  We use it to train the brain to act how we want it to, with the goal of not needing the rules and protocols because the behaviours will naturally come out of love and experience.  

For example, one of the first homework assignments I give to most couples is complimenting each other.  If the relationship is struggling, then the goal is once a week.  Most people, I start at once a day.  It’s a rule, but it builds a mindset – it trains your brain to see the positives in your spouse because you can’t compliment things you don’t see.  When you have a goal of complimenting them daily, then your brain has to train itself to notice positive things in your spouse, which will, in turn, make it easier to be loving towards them.  Eventually, it becomes second nature – because they’re not doing it to get something back; they’re just doing it because they’ve chosen to be loving.  It may or may not yield results in their spouse, but it will help them change their mind.

And that’s the answer to having a fantastic marriage – be loving for the sake of being loving.  It sounds simple, but getting there is difficult.  I’m still in the process myself.  Looking back, I’m far better at it than I used to be, but I’d be lying if I said I had adopted it wholeheartedly.  It is the work of a lifetime that I will never finish.

Each small step makes things better

The good thing is that you don’t have to wait until you’re done to reap the benefits.  As you improve, your life improves.  Sometimes, just because your disposition does.  You learn to be more content in all circumstances.  Then, eventually, the circumstances tend to shift better as well.  The problem is, that’s not a promise.  There’s no guarantee that your spouse will follow or that your circumstances will improve, and that’s the hard part – choosing to do it without a guarantee.  But that’s also how it needs to be because if guaranteed, it would be another legalistic agreement of “I will do x for you if you do y for me.”  

However, an incredible thing will happen if both spouses adopt this stance of loving sacrificially.  You get more of what you want.  Now, you have a spouse doing their best to meet your needs and supply some of your wants, just as you do for them.  You no longer have to have conversations of compromise but rather those of mutual satisfaction.

Rather than fighting for your desires, you fight for your spouse’s.  That way, if you win, they also win and vice versa.  You don’t frame things as compromises or “if you do x for me, I’ll do y for you,” where you both have to water down what you want to make it palatable for the other spouse.  Instead, you reframe them as “I would like to do x for you; if you did y for me, that would make it easier.”  Then, your actions aren’t contingent on theirs.  Whether or not they reciprocate, you still intend to do something for them.  But if they do whatever it is, you need to make it easier; chances are it’s going to be even better for both of you.

This sacrificial love is how you live a marriage of love rather than focusing on compromises, rules, protocols and other legalistic frameworks to keep things going.

Now, that’s easy to say but harder to live. Try it out. If you need help putting this into practice, let me know, and I’d love to coach you through it.  I’ve seen many couples make this leap and move towards the kind of marriage that God wants them to have.  I would love to see you have it too.