SWM 145 – AQ – Handjobs, sex on a full stomach, routines, sex tapes and more

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Welcome to the new year.  I took a bit of a hiatus in December due to travel, sickness, holidays and, honestly, just feeling a bit burnt out.  But we’re getting back on our schedules, and I thought we’d kick it off with catching up on our Anonymous Questions.  These are questions that have been submitted over the last few months to our anonymous Have A Question page.  They come with no contact information, and so all the context we have is what has been submitted.  I post them in our supporter’s forum and let them add their thoughts to the discussion. 

Then, typically every month or so, I gather them up and do a post like this.  Without further ado, here are the latest anonymous questions:

Question 1 – How to talk about sex without it feeling like a guilt trip?

How do you start a conversation about not having sex with your spouse without it feeling like a total guilt trip? My wife and I are in our 30s and it feels like a rarity for us to have sex. The biggest thing holding me back from having this conversation is that I feel like I’m just going to get pity sex… and that almost seems worse in my mind. I’m not trying to make my wife feel bad but I also want her to have a lightbulb moment of “aha! Sex is fun! I want more of that!” And I know that isn’t just going to magically happen… so basically, I’m stuck. I want it and I want her to want it but I don’t want it if she’s just do it out of pity because that means she doesn’t really want it. Am I making any sense? Is there a solution or a talking point that can bring about understanding without it coming across like a major guilt trip?

This actually hits upon a lot of topics, so we’re going to go through them sort of rapid fire, because I could probably do an entire weekend seminar on answering this question.  And you’re right, it doesn’t just magically happen – it takes intentionality.

The first problem is that you have a bit of a chicken or the egg problem.  If sex was better, she’d likely want it more, but you can’t get better if you’re having infrequent sex because she doesn’t want it.  This is one of many reasons why I don’t think spouses should have veto power over sex in the bedroom other than for extreme situations such as abuse, medical issues and things like that.  We talked about this way back in (episode 2 of the podcast / Sexual Frequency: Why I don’t worry about sex).

The second problem is that you are framing pity sex improperly.  We discussed reframing duty sex back in episode 125 and seeing it as a loving expression rather than something to be avoided.  If you actually learn to accept her offers and then make sex amazing for both of you, then you’ll likely get more offers.  Instead, if she’s offering, and you’re rejecting her, which will mean you likely get less sex of any kind.

The third is that if you can’t have a conversation without one or the other feeling guilty, then something is wrong that needs to be dealt with.  That shouldn’t be the case.  I mean, it often happens in marriages, but just because it’s normal, doesn’t mean it’s okay.  There’s not enough to go on to know what exactly is happening in your marriage, but if you want to get past that, perhaps reach out for some coaching and we can dig through what your communication issues are and set you on a path to learn how to talk through conflict in an effective way in which both of you feel good afterwards.

Question 2 – Husband has no drive due to cancer treatments

My husband is being treated for prostrate cancer. He is being given shots that reduce his testicles to one third their size and has also shrunk his penis. He has no interest in sex of any kind and just wants to cuddle. I have asked for him to help me orgasm, but his lack of interest is frustrating me. How can I spark sexual interest?

Well, if he’s battling cancer, I’m not sure there’s a ton you can do to increase his interest.  However, what you could do is ask if he’s willing to hold you while you masturbate.  That way you get sexual release, you feel connected, and it’s a shared experience.

Once the treatment is over, then maybe I’d talk to your doctor and see if there’s anything that can help his sex drive.

Question 3 – Wife doesn’t want to use lube

My wife often refuses for us to use lube when engaging  in different sexual acts, because she commonly says that using lube may you not be able to produce the natural lubrication she might want long term. When ever we do use lube sex is good and pleasurable for both of us  anyways. Is there any truth to this? And any thoughts to encourage lube when needed without hurting her self esteem? 

I cannot find any scientific evidence that suggests this is true.  Nor do I know of any anecdotal evidence.  I will say that we tend to use lube every time, because “enough” doesn’t mean optimal.  Plus, a lot of our sexual encounters tend to start with massages, and we use coconut oil for that, which doubles as a lube.

So, what you can try is offering to give her a full body massage with coconut oil, then just continue to use it as you progress to sex.

Question 4 – Our sex life is routine

Me and my wife right now have a somewhat consistent sex life of every 3-4 days. But we continue to do the exact, and I mean exact, repertoire every time. I am really thankful to be engaging with her more frequently, but even after asking for variety and different things outside of the bedroom, it never translates into the bedroom. I feel selfish wanting more variety, but I haven’t seen much luck for a while. 

Every 3-4 days is about twice a week, which is pretty average.  What I’m curious about is what is stopping you from changing up the repertoire?  Often people think that their spouse is locked into a specific repertoire, but really they just haven’t been presented with anything that’s within their comfort zone.  Like if your routine is to just do missionary position every time, and your next suggestion is “well, how about I tie you up, blindfold you, spank you and then edge you for an hour” – that might be a leap.  See if you can find a baby step that is moving towards something you want, but isn’t just a big jump.

Question 5 – Strap-on to help with premature ejaculation

I have struggled with severe premature ejaculation my whole life, it’s very rare for my wife and I to be able to do anything for even a whole minute at a time without me having to stop her, I’ve been thinking about buying a strapon for me to use on her in place of myself so that I’m able to actually let her enjoy herself without worrying about me not being able to keep up 

Go for it.  Married Dance sells one that might fit the bill.

Now, that said, premature ejaculation often is a psychological symptom of stress or anxiety, so that might be something to look into. Also, I recently had someone reach out to me to say he takes Zoloft to help with his premature ejaculation – that might be worth talking to a doctor about.

And of course, there are lots of numbing creams, desensitizing sprays and such.  It’s also a good opportunity to get better at sex that doesn’t require an erection, such as manual and oral sex. If you can edge her a few times first, so that she’s right on the brink of an orgasm, then it may not matter as much that you only last a minute.

As well, only about 30% of women actually can orgasm from penetration, so for many wives, penetration isn’t the best part of sex anyways.  For some it is, but not everyone.

Question 6 – Do husbands like handjobs?

My husband asked me for more handjobs because we have mismatched libidos and I don’t like blowjobs. What is the best way to give him a handjob? I want it to be easy, good for him and no mess after.  I haven’t given him a lot of handjobs but just had him finish it when close. Is that OK or what do wives do here? Do husbands like handjobs or is it a disappointment?

The unanimous response from the men in our supporter’s forum is that husbands like handjobs and are in no way disappointed with them.  One recommended using condoms to keep the mess down, but by and large usually men would prefer you “embrace the mess” as it were.  Of course, a towel nearby helps with cleanup later.

Others encourage you to learn simply by doing as what makes a good handjob will vary from husband to husband.

From me, I wonder why a lower sex drive means you can’t still have sex.  A lower libido simply lowers your desire for sex, not your capacity for sex.  For the vast majority of people, even if you have a lower sex drive, it doesn’t mean you can’t get aroused and enjoy it with some foreplay.  So, I would recommend you adopt a mindset of “am I willing” instead of “am I in the mood?”

Question 7 – Can a married couple film themselves during sex?

Is it immoral for a married couple to film themselves doing the deed, assuming it’s for their own use?

No, I don’t think it’s immoral provided it only involves the husband and wife and only they will be watching them.   I have a rather old post on the topic here: Do Christians make sex tapes? We ran a survey a decade ago here if you’re curious about how common it is.

Question 8 – Is sex better on a full stomach?

Hello there, this is a quick and rather silly one. Both me and my husband seem to have better sex (more sensitive,  and generally a more euphoric experience) after having a filling meal. It’s especially noticeable for me during penetrative sex. Neither of us are overweight or have any physical conditions that affect our sex lives. Is this normal? Is there any research behind it that you can point me to? Just curious. Thanks.

Yes, actually, there’s a couple.  I found a pilot study that showed that women who consumed a 500 calorie meal replacement drink tended to respond better to romantic cues.  Then I saw another study that showed that being hungry lowers your pleasure response to touch.

This may infer that if you’re well fed (or at least not hungry), that your brain is more willing to get aroused and enjoy sex because it’s not currently in “finding food” mode.  Also, having recently eaten would give you more available energy for sex – I know if I work out in the morning before eating, I can’t push nearly as hard as I can with some carbs in me.  

Anecdotally, people tend to prefer not to have sex on a full stomach as it feels uncomfortable to be full, and possibly gassy during sex.

So, perhaps there’s a middle ground there – have enough food to not be hungry and to make some energy available, but not so much that you feel uncomfortable.

Question 9 – How do you start anal sex?

We have discussed anal sex and both want to try it but we want a safe place to learn the best way to start with it versus googling. Do you have any tips of how to start that would be discussed in a non porn way?

I should probably write a guide at some point, but here are some tips:

1. Go slow – don’t say “we’re going to have anal sex tonight”, instead just take an approach of slowly starting to work towards it.  Start with fingers, and start with rubbing rather than penetration.  Don’t expect to go from nothing to anal sex in a single night and have it feel good.
2. Use lots of lube.  Then use more.  Then add more later.
3. Relax – if you tense up, it will hurt.  If it hurts, then you’re doing something wrong.  Back off, do something else and come back to it.  Or try another night.  Maybe start with a massage.  If she is multi-orgasmic, then it’s recommended she have an orgasm first.
4. Clitoral stimulation might help, it might not.  It’s worth a try to see if it does for you.
5. The easiest position to start is probably her on top.  That way she can control the depth, speed, etc..
6. Don’t switch from anal play/sex to vaginal play/sex without washing your hands – some people react very badly to the cross contamination of bacteria.

One of our supporters added a far more indepth guide in the forum, but you’ll have to go there to see it.

That’s it for today.  If you have a question of your own, you can ask it on our have a question page.  If you’d like to see them and participate as they come in, consider joining our supporter’s forum and join a group of over 150 Christians who are focusing on their marriage – and not just the sex part.