SWM 142 – AQ – September 2024 – Exhibitionism, no sex in 4 months, rough sex and more

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We’re catching up today on our anonymous questions with those submitted in September of this year. As always, these questions come from our anonymous Have A Question page with no contact information and only the context provided in the question. From that, we kick it around the supporter’s forum for anyone to weigh in on, and then I post my answers in the form of a podcast episode and blog post.

Let’s jump right in with question number 1.

Question 1 – Exhibitionism

Me and my partner would never “swing” as we believe it is immoral. With that said, we’ve had multiple conversations about wanting to be heard/seen having sex or even having sex while another couple is having sex nearby. We’ve never done it as we are already satisfied sexually, but given that it’s come up repeatedly, I’ve begun wondering about the morality of it. What are your thoughts?

One of our supporters, I think rightfully, quoted Matthew 5:

“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” – Matthew 5:27-28

Now, whether you’re on the side that wants to look or the side that wants to be looked at, I don’t think it makes a difference.  Either way, I would consider this a form of adultery.

I would consider entertaining this idea along those same lines. Some argue that you cannot sin in your heart or mind but only by your actions, but I believe this is contrary to what the Bible says.

Jesus said, What comes out of a man, that defiles a man. For from within, out of the heart of men, proceed evil thoughts, adulteries, fornications, murders, thefts, covetousness, wickedness, deceit, lewdness, an evil eye, blasphemy, pride, foolishness. All these evil things come from within and defile a man.” – Mark 7:20-23

When you entertain these temptations, you are providing a breeding ground for sin, which already begins to infect your life even before you act on them.

In short, I think you’re playing with fire, or worse.  I don’t think being tempted is a sin, but I think entertaining that temptation is. You are giving it a foothold in your mind.

Question 2 – No sex in 4 months

I don’t really know what to do. Haven’t had any sex with my wife in 4 months. I’ve tried to be patient, but we go through these months-long stints without sex often. And we’re in our early 30s. We’re on vacation right now. No kids with us. Should be a relatively relaxing and stress free environment, right? I tried to initiate and she said that she appreciates it but would rather wait until we’re home… I’m not really angry. Just sad. It’s so disheartening. Any advice would be appreciated.

So, my first question is – what made you think she was going to have sex with you on vacation?  My guess is you aren’t talking about it at all.  You’ve gone 4 months without sex without raising the issue in a significant way, and now you spring it on her on vacation.  

Now, if you had talked about it beforehand and decided, together, that this was going to be a vacation with the intention of getting away together, talking about what’s going on and making a plan to get your sex life back on track, then that’s one thing.  But instead, it sounds like you just assumed sex would happen and then got annoyed when your unexpressed expectation didn’t happen.

And don’t get me wrong, I think 4 months without sex is a big deal.  The fact that this happens often is probably a serious issue that needs to be addressed, but not like that.  It needs straightforward and direct conversation.  

Question 3 – Should I disclose previous porn struggles with my fiance

How much should I tell my fiancé about my previous struggles with porn and the kinks it created? A while ago I already gave her a pretty comprehensive breakdown of my long history (I started young) with porn, but the one big thing I didn’t tell her was what kind of porn I watched. Years in porn got me to some pretty weird kinks with stuff like golden showers, genderbending, etc.

I have been clean for a couple years at this point, but I can’t deny the fact that these kinks still turn me on if I think about them. I would never ask her to participate in these disordered kinks when we get married. I want to leave all that behind me forever. But should she know about them anyway?

They’re not fetish level, and I can get turned on just fine without them. So they won’t have a direct impact on our sex life. But since they did unfortunately inform my sexuality to some extent, does she need to know? Or is it ok for me to just leave that behind me?

The consensus in our supporter’s forum is that we couldn’t find a good reason to dig into the details.  Now, if something comes up in your marriage and it’s appropriate to, then, yes, you shouldn’t hide it from her.  But hiding isn’t the same as not being explicit.  If she knows that you’re open to talking about it and will answer questions if she has them, then we couldn’t find a reason why you’d increase her burden by sharing the details.

Question 3 – Part 2 – Site navigation

Also, part 2, not a question really directly for the podcast, but more a suggestion/request.

I think it would be really helpful if you created a new top-level “start here” or “key resources” type of page. Your website is great, but there’s so much it’s a little overwhelming. It’s hard to find stuff sometimes or know where to go. Having a single page that collects and links to things like your best/favorite articles, your most popular stuff, and key articles that every couple (or all men/all women, or all high libido/all low libido people, or etc.) should read, would be super helpful I think.

I agree, after more than a decade of blog posts and podcast episodes, it’s become a bit of a mess.  It’s hard to jump in and find what you’re looking for.  So, I added to the homepage a quick list of the most common things people search for.  

I hope to expand this in the future to be more helpful, but hopefully, that will provide some guidance for now.

Question 4 – Other resources

Hi, thank you for all you do, your work is wonderful! I don’t know any other really good Christian websites like this. Can you recommend some other websites that are theologically solid and also get deep into the practical weeds of sex and sexuality like you do? Thanks! 

This is a tricky question to answer, and not for the reason you might think.

Some may think it’s rude to ask about my “competitors”, but I don’t care about that.  I want you to get the help you need, and if that’s not me, then I sincerely hope someone else can help you.  I have even refunded money to coaching clients because it was clear that coaching wasn’t what they needed.  I asked them to take it back and spend it on a therapist.

And there were a lot of websites I frequented over a decade ago when we were struggling with our marriage.  They helped set us on the path we’re on.  

The problem is that that was over a decade ago.  Since then, much has happened.  Some have closed their doors.  Some had spouses die and shifted their ministry.  Some have joined with others and changed their ministry, and some shifted so far that I actually consider them a hindrance to the ministry now rather than a help.

In all of them, though, I found things I disagreed with.  It’s why I started this ministry, because I thought there was still a large gap that wasn’t being met.  A big part of that was that most preferred to talk vaguely and didn’t want to dig deep into something.  I found there were questions one was still not allowed to ask, even for those who said everything was on the table.  Many got offended if you questioned their views rather than being willing to discuss them.

So, I started my own.  I wanted to be the resource I wished I had had.  

Now, along the way, I’ve found some kindred spirits.  MarriedDance.com and RomanticBlessings.com both run awesome stores that both carry my resources as well as get linked to a lot for products I recommend.  LoveHopeAdventure.com and I sort of “grew up” together in the blogging sphere.  I have recommended many wives to HotHolyHumorous.com because she specializes in supporting wives who have higher sex drives than their husbands.  When I have time, I try to read whatever Gary Thomas is putting out this week, because I like the depth he goes to, and even when I don’t agree with him, I find him thoughtful and thought-provoking, and he’ll accept those provocations in return if you challenge him.  He’s also not afraid to put out things he’s struggling with himself, and I find that a rare treat these days.

And I’m sure there are a great many more out there that I just don’t know about yet because to be honest, I sort of stopped listening to podcasts and reading blogs quite a few years ago.  As such, I’m a bit out of the loop.  One of my supporters said I have to check out one, but I didn’t get a chance yet, so I won’t list it as a recommendation until I do.

However, unfortunately, when I poke my head up to see what people are putting out, often I’m disappointed with the “new generation” of Christians in the marriage sphere.  I see a lot of “Christian ministries” that push non-Christian thoughts.  I see a lot who shift to politics more often than talk about marriages, especially during US election cycles.  They spend more time pushing votes than intimacy.

In short, I see little “Christianity” in the new Christian marriage resources.  Maybe that’s just me getting old and preferring the things I’m used to.

As for the theology side – no.  I am not an evangelical Christian, nor am I a member of the Church of Latter Day Saints, which is where I find most marriage ministries seem to come out of.  I disagree with large fundamental chunks of the theology of both.  I’m not aware of anyone doing marriage ministry whose theology I agree with, so I can’t help you there.

That said, I don’t think you have to agree with someone’s complete theology in order for them to teach you about marriage.  I disagree with a lot of the doctrine of the LDS church, particularly around their teachings about marriages in heaven, but I also think that perhaps because of that, they put more effort into marriages than most other Christians and have a lot of good ideas.  Some of my favourite marriage books are from LDS authors, particularly when they don’t push all that doctrine I don’t agree with.

 Anyway, there are a few I listed above. I don’t have a big list of resources, I’m afraid. These days, I learn more by reading my Bible, talking with other married couples, coaching them through issues, and learning from surveys, both my own and others.

Question 5 – What qualifies as mutual masturbation

Hey Jay, I know you’ve discussed how solo-masturbation isn’t right and that sex of any kind should be kept between a husband and wife. I need some clarification in regards to when me and my wife are separated. We married 3 years ago and so far our sex and romantic life have been going great. But as a trucker I’m often away from home for extended periods of time.

Is it wrong for me or her to masturbate on our separate ends? More specifically, is it alright if we’re both aware that the other is doing it in that exact moment? Like over text or call and we’re both active? Especially if we’re encouraging each other as we do it?

I use the “watching a movie together” test.  If you could swap sex with watching a movie, could you still say you did it together?

So, being together physically – definitely. 
Watching it at the same time while video calling each other – I would say so.
Watching it at the same time while voice chatting with each other so you can hear each other’s reactions? Still yes.
Watching it at the same time and texting through the movie – starting to stretch the idea, but maybe.
Watching it at separate times and telling each other your favourite parts later – well, now no one would say they watched it “together.”  They now just saw the same movie and are talking about it after the fact.

That’s my test.  

So, phone sex – yes.  Phone video call – yes.  Sexting – maybe?  Sending a sweaty picture afterwards with a caption of “I was thinking of you”? No.

But those are my thoughts – you need to figure out your own and then operate within your own convictions.

Question 6 – Need rougher sex to orgasm

I am 25 and married. The sex that we have had has been fine but I never had an orgasm except by oral sex.

My husband tried different ways but it never happened until he took me from behind and pulled my head back by my hair and pinched my nipples and slapped my rear.

When he did this everything became so sensitive and erotic for me that I had a very intense orgasm.

He has tried biting my shoulders and nipples with soft bites and I ended with intense moaning orgasms

Are there any other women out there that need this type of treatment to have orgasms?

Yes, many.  It’s quite common.  Usually it comes with a lot of shame, embarrassment, internal conflicts, not wanting to admit it, and similar things.  We actually have been talking about this in the BDSM section of our supporter forum.

The long and short of it is that he made sex exciting again.  Everything you described hit some sort of erogenous zone, but the biggest one he triggered was probably your mind.

I have had a long-standing belief, which our surveys have supported, that women, more than men, tend to need sex to be exciting.  Men will continue having mediocre sex if there’s nothing else available. But women won’t.  Many would rather have no sex than boring sex, even if they’re the ones keeping it boring.  Not all, but many.  

That excitement can come from surprise (he just did it in your case), from adding in some sort of discomfort (like spanking, pinching), from being controlled (like hair pulling), from trying new things (like all the things you said), or from some sort of transgressive action – so this is doing something taboo, which, again, a lot of those things hit the mark for you.

So, with all that, your dopamine probably spiked really high, which ends up getting you really aroused, which in turn makes it much easier to orgasm.  Now, do you need all of that?  Probably not – but on the other hand, there’s probably more he could do which would turn you on even more.  When you start playing with these edgier things, the game tends to switch from “Can I get you to orgasm,” to “Can I stop you from orgasming until I want you to,” which adds a whole new layer of excitement and arousal.

As a result, from my understanding, many women who try it consider it less a need and more a desire, because they end up really enjoying it.  If you want to know more, I suggest checking out our BDSM survey results.  You may find some interesting ideas in there as well as some relief that you’re not alone.  

And that’s it for today.  As always, if you have a question, you can ask it here, and as always, thanks to our growing number of supporters who help keep this ministry going.  Without them, I have no doubt we wouldn’t have lasted over a decade with no end in sight.