SWM 141 – AQ August 2024 – Transactional sex, no sex due to birth, lube recommendations and more

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Today, we’re tackling questions from our anonymous Have A Question page.  These are questions that people had and didn’t know where else to ask, and they were too shy to send an email.  As such, I don’t have any way to respond to them other than through the blog and podcast, and I also can’t ask any follow-up questions, so we go with what we have.

Our supporters have also discussed these questions in the forum and shared their thoughts, and in episodes like this one, I share my answers informed by my own experiences both as a husband and a marriage coach, as well as those shared in the forum.

These questions all came in during August of this year.

Question 1 – Wife trades chores for sex

Hi Jay,  I’ve been following you for a while, and my question is, is it wrong for me to want my wife to adore me during sex? I have a problem with the notion that sex is supposed to be more of a reward for men and that they are supposed to pursue that more so than for women. I want my wife to pursue me. She has told me before that if I do something like a chore etc., maybe we’ll have sex later, like it’s a reward or incentive for me. I find this to be a real turnoff and told her why do you think I would want to have sex? She seemed confused when I said this. I want her to prize me and adore me, not see me as someone who has to work for her affection. For this reason sex has actually lost most of its appeal for me. I don’t want to feel like she’s rewarding me for something when we have sex. I want to feel like this is how we please and satisfy each other. How do I change this dynamic?

She’s separated sex from the relationship and turned herself into a prostitute, exchanging sex for other services.  She made sex transactional instead of relational, and that’s why you’re not interested.

Much of the world now considers only wanting sex in a loving relationship to be an oddity. It even has a name – demisexual, as if you’re only partially sexual if you only have sex in loving relationships.  But I believe this is how we’re supposed to be.  It’s how we were created.  I think it’s perfectly reasonable to be turned off by her approach to sex and exchanging it for tasks.

So, what can you do about it?

I would have a discussion about it.  Share that exchanging services for sex is not what you want in your marriage, that you want intimacy, not just trading favours.  I don’t think it would be unreasonable to set a boundary of “I will not exchange services for sex,” which means if she asks you to do something in exchange for sex, you can either refuse the do the thing or if you want a better move, do whatever it is she asks, but then turn down the sex as payment and restate that you did it because you love her, not to get sex and that you don’t want sex as a payment because you want a wife, not a prostitute.  Depending on your marriage, you may wish to word it softer than that.

In this way, you can work to reframe acts of service as a love language rather than as currency.

Question 2 – How to handle no sex due to birth

Hi Jay, 

My wife and I (we’re both 25, we married at the beginning of this year) tend to be pretty good at talking about sex, but this is a particularly awkward question, and I’m not sure how to address it, so I wanted to get your advice first. 

Since my teen years, I’ve always had a really strong sex drive. When I was unmarried, I “solved” this with masturbation 2-3 times a week; I was able to stop porn years ago, but I didn’t see masturbation without sexual fantasy as a sin until my wife convinced me of it shortly after we got married. Of course, once married, I found it pretty easy to stop masturbating; my wife also has a pretty high sex drive, and we generally have sex at least twice a week. But, about six months into our marriage we screwed up our birth control. My wife is pregnant now. We’re a little scared of course, but mostly very excited! As we do our research though, I’m also realising I won’t be able to have sex for a while. I’m guessing that for at least 3+ months (last month of pregnancy + 6-12 weeks postpartum) sex is going to be off the table. 

I don’t want to go back to — what I am now convinced is — the sin of masturbation, but I also don’t know how I’m going to deal with my sex drive without a sexual outlet. We’ve gone a few weeks without sex before (sickness, travel, etc.), but never months. And I literally don’t think I’ve ever gone more than a month or so without orgasm since I discovered masturbation in my teens. It isn’t even the intimacy part, my wife is aware that the newborn can suck up all the attention and leave husbands feeling abandoned, and she’s promised that she’ll be conscious to try and prevent that. I just don’t know how I’m going to go without sexual release for so long. And that’s kinda what makes this such a hard question to discuss; it just feels very crass/base, and a little like I’m an animal who can’t exercise self-control over his physical desires. 

I know 1 Corinthians 7 and the duty to sex, and that we can have manual or oral sex when she isn’t able to have PIV sex. But should I even be asking that? I feel pretty selfish to be saying “hey, I know you’ve just brought a new life into the world and that your whole body is going through a massive shock, but I need you to give me an orgasm.” How should I address this? 

I know some wives actually get hornier after giving birth, and that would solve my fears here, but that’s a coin toss and many women actually lose their sex drive for a while after birth. And if she isn’t in the mood, is it ok to ask this of her when she’s likely perpetually-exhausted from caring for a newborn? On the occasions when she isn’t in the mood now, she’s happy to indulge me if I need it, but with the stress of a pregnancy/newborn I feel like it might be selfish to ask in the same way.

Or maybe I just need to exercise real self-control in this area of my life for once? (Though I don’t know how I’ll manage that, I feel like my sexual desires go totally insane after several weeks celibate; probably the fact that I’ve trained my body since hitting puberty to be able to expect orgasm pretty often, thanks to years of masturbation, has made this problem way worse.) If this is the correct path, I’d love any tips/advice on keeping celibate/self-controlled given my strong libido.

TLDR: I’ve always needed sexual release/orgasm pretty often, at least every few weeks. How can I best deal with the fact that my wife likely won’t want sex for several months because of her pregnancy? 

Congrats on the baby!  You may have “screwed up your birth control”, but kids are amazing.  I often say they will destroy your life in the best way possible.

Yes, that’s going to come with some changes.  However, generally, there is no reason to stop having sex during pregnancy.  Some medical concerns can cause a doctor to recommend stopping, but for the vast majority, sex is actually good.

For birthing in particular, her orgasms can start labour (when it’s ready – generally not a concern if they’re not ready), and semen can help “ripen” the cervix, which can speed up labour in a healthy way.

So, unless your doctor says otherwise, don’t stop having sex until the baby gets there.

The general recommendation after birth is six weeks. Some wives don’t want to wait that long, and some wish to wait longer. I honestly don’t know how long we waited with each. A decade or more later, you likely won’t either.

So, if you’ve gone weeks before without sex, you can do it again.  It likely won’t be months.  And yes, it’s a good opportunity to learn patience and self-control, but you’re also likely to be quite tired.

The best thing to do is talk about it beforehand but also recognize that neither of you knows what you’re getting yourself into.  You may set an intention of being giving sexually during this time, but sometimes you get into it and realize “I don’t have anything left right now”.  

The point is to go through it together.  Build a plan, and then don’t just leave the plan as it, but keep touching base, adjusting the plan and keeping each other in the loop on how you’re feeling, dealing with it, what you both need and what you are able and willing to do for each other.  This should be the model for marriage at all times really, but especially when life is difficult, like after the birth of a child.

It’s true that sometimes the choices we make in our past come back to haunt us.  But you’ll be okay.  You won’t die.  Keep communication open, talk through the temptations and struggles, make a plan, and then be gracious to each other if everything doesn’t go according to that plan.

Question 3 – Water-based lube that doesn’t cause UTIs

I don’t know if this has ever been asked.  But my wife and I are having a hard time finding a lube that doesn’t give her a UTI.  We have tried several different products. We can’t seem to find a great water based lube. Any input would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks, Steve

I hear good things about Sliquid H20.  I haven’t tried it myself, but it’s pH range is ideal for vaginal use.  Good water based lubes are hard to find if you’re sensitive.  Often, they’re loaded full of preservatives and thickeners, which could be what your wife is reacting to.

Other than that, the general recommendation for UTIs from sex is also to make sure you go pee right after sex.  I know, it’s a little unsexy to get up from cuddling and go to the bathroom, but if you’re struggling with UTIs, it might be worth it.

Question 4 – 11th time’s the charm

All nine of my previous girlfriends and first wife had affairs other guys.

When I found out, I didn’t object and in fact I was curious about them exploring their sexual independence.

They all seem to love it that I asked them questions and in fact they eventually flaunted it.

I thought it was cool that they were so sexual. It turned me on.

Guys pursued each of them.

I acted big, all the guys wanted what I had.

Funny thing is all of them eventually left me for other, well-built very physical guys.

We all still live in the same town. When I see them they still flaunt it.

My current wife, after a long talk exploring our life and loves, knows everything and has now started dating other guys too.

I’m not sure what it is they see in me that I don’t know? -FH

I half think this question is fake, but I think it serves as a decent warning about the trend of having open marriages and a big rise in cuckold fantasies.

Honestly, this seems pretty obvious to me.  You didn’t demand respect, and so they gave you none.  You wanted other people to want what you had – and so they took it, and you encouraged them to do it.  Of course, they left – why would they stay?  You told them that your relationship isn’t special and that they can create connections with whoever they want.

From a physiological standpoint, you let them have sex with other people, which releases a lot of hormones that make you feel in love.  So, yeah, they had sex with other guys, got infatuated, new relationship energy is more exciting than oxytocin-based love, and off they go.

They didn’t leave you.  You opened the door and invited people to come take them.

After ten relationships with the same pattern, it’s not much of a stretch to believe that the eleventh would turn out the same way.

I know exactly what they see in you – someone who doesn’t care enough about their relationship to protect it.  Stop doing that.  Keep sex between the two of you and demand the same from your spouse.

Question 5 – Post-childbirth and penis size preferences

Hello

Thank you for your hard work.

Quick question. Do women prefer or tend to prefer a larger penis/more girth after birth because their vagina has been stretched? Or:  Does birth change female sensitivity?  I asked my own wife and she answered she felt no change in her sensitivity after carrying two children.

Thank you for your insight.

Viktor

I actually did a survey on penis (and breast) size about five years ago, believe it or not.  

From both my surveys and interactions with couples over many years, it’s generally the men who are preoccupied with the idea of a larger penis.  About half of the men we surveyed wished they were thicker.

The wives, on the other hand, seemed quite content.

80% of wives said they liked their husband’s penis the length was.  16% said they wanted it longer, 3% said shorter.

76% said they liked it the thickness it was, 21% said they wish it was thicker, 3% said thinner.

I didn’t ask specifically about childbirth, however, what I suspect is that childbirth brings more control – or at least more ability to relax and accept more.  After giving birth, some wives, not all, find that they enjoy manual sex with more fingers than before.  It’s not that the sensitivity changes, but it opens up a wider range of sensations, and either the muscle control or the experience lets them relax and enjoy those sensations.

But no, you don’t need a larger penis. The nice thing about manual sex is that you can add fingers as desired.

Question 6 – Wife is a gatekeeper

Hello JD

I am sad. My wife is a gatekeeper. And I don’t know what to do.

I want to love my wife. I really want to explore our love life and be romantic with her. I really want her to feel pleasure. When we dated, she really seemed to be into romance. I am. I felt we were compatible early on in our relationship. When we got married and started our sex lives, she revealed herself to be prudish. Starfish. Taking steps in our love life has been on my part. We have made some slow progress. But she is still in the driver’s seat in terms of frequency. Ultimately, as a responsive desire person, she decides when and when not to have sex. It is difficult to develop your sex life if willingness to explore is low and your wife is a gatekeeper. Your advice for spontaneous husbands like me is to be better at initiating. I have tried different things.

1. Suggesting: “Hey, let’s have sex?” She has made it clear several times that this makes her feel under pressure, turns her off and feel insecure. I pointed out to her that she does the exact same thing. She agreed. I then asked her how she would prefer I made a suggestion and she doesnt know…

2. As a responsive type she has expressed that she needs to get into the mood by doing things together before sex. Fair. We only have time in the evenings because of work and kids. Usually we end up doing what she likes and go to sleep because she is tired after doing her preferred activity (movie, board games etc.) I have suggested the Monogamy board game because she likes playing. It would spice an activity she likes up but she has rejected that idea. If we end up having sex she will often starfish me because the get-into-the-mood-activity has made her tired. It seems to me that sex is her absolute last priority even though she says it is important to her.

3. I have tried sexy text messages.  But they make her uncomfortable she has said and I almost never get anything sexy in return. I just feel ignored.

4. I try to complement her. Send sweet text messages. Express what I appreciate about her daily or weekly. It makes her glad and she’s very loving and caring. But it doesnt translate into the bedroom.

5. I’ve tired being more direct with sexy but open commands “Will you undress here or in the bedroom?” It hasnt been successful.

I am discouraged. She is just not in the mood very often and I dont seem able to do much about it even though I am attractive and romantic and willing to try new stuff. I want to pursue her and be pro active but she is training me to be passive and boring and I grow more vulnerable to temptation. And she knows this very clearly. She knows her rejections hurt me and makes me tempted to look at pornography.

Am I missing something important? Can you help me?

Sincerely

August

Honestly, it’s likely a lot of things, many of which are impossible to tackle from one side of the marriage alone.

All these things you’re trying only work when you have someone who is willing to engage sexually.  If the two of you both realized she has a responsive desire and both want to work together to work with that, then some of these might work.

But some just won’t at all.

You said that you suggest with “Hey, let’s have sex?”, but you put a question mark on the end of it, so that’s not a suggestion, it’s a question.  You just asked if she’s in the mood, and if she has responsive desire, she’s probably not.  Don’t ask that question.

Sexy text messages when she’s not turned on at all will have the same effect.  You’re trying to play catch with a wall and getting upset that the wall isn’t throwing the ball back.

Complimenting her is good.  Complimenting her in order to get sex is bad because all that means is that she’s going to now interpret all compliments as attempts to buy sex instead of an authentic compliment.

Being more direct is good, but not if she isn’t comfortable with the idea of sex – which it sounds like she isn’t.

You both have seemed to make the same mistake most people do when dealing with responsive desire – you say she’s not in the mood very often.  She won’t be.  That should not be the measure of whether to have sex by you or her.

And that is really the core problem in your marriage when it comes to sex – you both are waiting for someone with responsive desire to be in the mood for sex.  A better approach is to be willing to be aroused – which she doesn’t appear to be.  That’s the core issue.  She doesn’t want to be turned on.  Now, what the reason for that is, I’m not sure.  I could make some educated guesses, but at the end of the day, she has to want to change her perspective on it.  You can’t force her.

What you can do is open a conversation and see if she’ll be convicted.  To that end, I recommend reading Where did my sex drive go? as it will give you a framework, a place to start talking about it productively and some ideas of dynamics that will be better for both of you.  And then you hope and pray she wants better for you both.

And that’s it for today. As always, if you have a question, you can either join the supporter’s forum and ask it there or on the website.  If you disagree with my answers or want to add your own thoughts, feel free to do so below in the comment section.