SWM 140 – AQ – July 2024 – A wife can’t decide if she loves him, someone calls me a Pharisee, positions, outdoor sex and more

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Today, we continue our long-standing tradition of answering the questions that are posted on our website.  For those who are new, these are questions that are asked on our anonymous Have A Question page. They come with only the context that’s submitted to them and no contact information, which means there are no follow-up questions.  And the only way they get the answer is by listening to the podcast or reading the blog post when they’re answered. I try to answer them once a month, but sometimes I get a bit behind.  For example, these are from July, which puts me behind me more than a month.

For those playing at home, if you like, pause after the question and think of your own answers.  If you come up with a different answer than I do, please post it below the blog post in the comments section so others can benefit from your wisdom and experience as well.

With that out of the way, on to the questions.

Question 1 – Wife’s love dependent on mood

Depending upon the day and her mood my wife will say things like she is not sure she really loves me or speaks of regrets of missed past loves, but if she is in a good mood she says she loves me says how amazing I am.  It feels confusing for me I think marriage, love, and staying away from from divorce is a choice and a promise we made when we got married in the hard or easy times.  Do we need help?  Do I just push through the valleys and ignore the things she says? 

Yes, you need help.  This, I would say, goes beyond coaching and likely into therapy.  Coaching is about moving forward together, but she’s digging into the past for some reason, either because there’s something there that needs to be resolved or because there’s something more serious going on.  Either way, it doesn’t sound like just a rough patch to push through.

When people do things like this, it tends to be things like bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, emotional dysregulation, depression, or some serious relationship stress.  All of these are outside of the scope of a coach’s scope.

Question 2 – Why don’t you direct people to God?

I would like to know why it is you never advise people to seek God’s face for themselves to teach them what it means to have sex his way or what his intentions are designs were for it. What about his love for us it’s supposed to embody and symbolize because God doesn’t give us anything in our human relationships that isn’t supposed to convey some aspect of Him and His love and how he relates to us somehow and that includes sex.

Do you ever advise people to ask God to sanctify their sex drives and sync it up with Him and His design and purpose and plan and then sync it up with each other? Or invite Him into the bedroom?

Are you teaching people in a way that’s helping to facilitate their relationship with the Lord or to lean on you for your interpretation of things?

The Pharisees knew the word inside and out but they still didn’t know God or His heart and they weren’t leading people to the Lord.

God does not intend for us to read the Bible apart from a relationship with him and seeking Him for understanding.

Now, for myself, I believe I’m constantly telling people to read their Bible.  I’ve specifically told people to pray about sex, and I distinctly remember telling people to do so on the Lion Within Us podcast as well.  I remember it well because the host, Chris, brings it up from time to time that I challenged him to pray with his wife about sex.

I also explicitly tell people not to follow me but to act on their own convictions.  I did a quick search of the word “convictions” on my site and found at least 20 posts/podcasts where I told people to do it using that exact word.  I would bet there are more where I use a different phrasing.

As well, all my coaching clients know full well that my goal is to have them graduate from needing a coach as quickly as possible for them to continue to maintain positive growth.  I won’t even let you book a full year in advance – the most I’ll let you do is 6 months, because by then, the vast majority of people will turn their marriage around, many much quicker.

Now, do I tell people to “just pray about it” – no.  Do you know why?  Because people lie to themselves.  You would not believe the number of people who have told me they prayed and God told them it was okay for them to have an affair, a threesome, open their marriage, get into the swinging lifestyle, get divorced (for trivial things), and more.

So, yes, pray, but also read your Bible, which I also regularly recommend.  And stop rationalizing your behaviour when it doesn’t line up with the Bible.  The whole Bible, mind you, not the one verse you managed to twist to make it sound like you can do whatever it is you want to do.  People “pray” and get whatever answer they want, and then open the Bible and twist it into the same answer.

It’s good to also (in addition to all the rest!) commune with other believers. It’s a lot easier to deceive yourself than it is to deceive a bunch of other people.  Now, people come here to do this because they know I won’t turn them away. I’ll give them an answer, even if it’s not the one they were hoping for.  Does it mean I’ll be right?  Nope.  But it’s at least a third point to check against what you’re doing.

If you pray and God says, “Go for it,” and you know your Bible and see no red flags, and I give an answer, and the thousands of people listening and reading just let it pass without comment – well, that’s not a sure thing, but it’s at least due diligence.  And it certainly doesn’t have to be me, but when people don’t have anyone else in their lives they can turn to, I offer this service for free because I think it’s a shame we, as Christians, can’t talk about these topics.

And that goes for anything.  If you have a topic and marriage, sex, parenting, drugs, abortion, hell, or any other topic, no one will touch it with a 10-foot pole – I am here for it so long as it’s a sincere question.

Now, if you have some specific complaint or recommendation, I am all ears, but neither I nor anyone in our forum felt any of your vague complaints landed if someone out there who is listening or reading does, feel free to comment below the blog post.

Question 3 – Can’t seem to manage other positions

So me and my wife have been married 3 years and had a baby about 2 years in so our sex life hit a bump, but recently her sex drive has been picking back up and the connection has increased and become more exploratory and fun. We pretty much have been a missionary only couple so far and we’ve been stepping out to try different things. So we have been doing outercourse in different positions, (standing, Wife on top, and doggie) but we haven’t been able to penetrate in any other position than missionary. She is amply lubricated when I do penetrate in missionary after trying the different positions. She never says it hurts, just trouble getting started. I think it could be her getting worried trying something new as well. Curious if any input or advice, thank you for your blog and podcast. Very helpful this last year for us. 

Yeah, it could definitely be worry about trying something new.

One of our supporters had a good idea.  Get in the missionary position first, then try to switch without pulling out.  He said that he and his wife do this as sort of a game – like adult twister.  And I have to agree, we’ve done the same – trying to move from missionary to woman on top or vice-versa without losing that genital connection is sort of fun.

Other than that, if she’s actually willing to try other positions, have her guide you in with her hand.  She’ll be better at it than you poking around and hoping for the best.

Question 4 – Wife rejects exploration and being seen

Hello,

Thanks for the podcast.

Married on 6th year. Two kids. 4y, 2y. Our sex life has been a source of conflict. Initiation is mostly on me. Many of my ideas for positions and activities (no fetishes) have been rejected by my wife. Some she has later accepted but only if she is really turned on. (She seems to turn off her sense of disgust which is sensitive in my opinion). But it is hard to get her there. New ideas often seem dirty or porn-like to her. However, when we explore, the results are usually good – and to her pleasure. But it doesnt really sink in. It hurts me because I feel shame for my sexuality. And I feel rejected. Recently during sex I felt like she disconnected and I asked her what was wrong. She replied it felt weird I looked at her vagina during the act. Again she said it was porn-like. I understand what she is saying. And it would definitely be a problem if that was my entire focus. But it wasnt. I didnt even remember I looked. We have eye contact. Careful touch etc. But I replied to her that I loved her body, her vagina in this specific case, and that my sexuality was visually stimulated. I told her that seeing her vagina turned me on and it would be quite a sacrifice not to enjoy the sight of her body. Maybe I got defensive. But I am not a Platonic lover. It might be a reaction and worry against earlier porn use on my behalf. Which is fair. Her reaction still bothered me. It is not a big thing, but should I have a conversation about it with her? Should I avoid looking down there in the next period to not trigger her reaction?

Sincerely

Victor

Yeah, your sense of disgust definitely goes down as you get aroused – that’s normal for humans.

It’s also fairly normal for wives not to initiate or want to explore much in the first few years of their marriage.  That stuff tends to ramp up in the second decade more.

And many wives are also quite uncomfortable with being seen naked, especially their more sexual parts, and often especially after having given birth.

Add to that trust issues from past or present porn use and potential sexual shame from growing up (many Christians do have that), and it can all stack up to be as you describe.

Is it healthy?  No.  Is it understandable? Definitely. Is it normal? Yeah, it could be.

Now, the question is – what do you do about it?  I think a conversation is a good first start.  I’d ask what about it bothered her and see where it comes from.  Now, there’s a good chance that she’ll shut down that conversation.  In that case, don’t force her to have it, but I’d be clear that you don’t think it’s appropriate for husbands and wives not to be able to talk about sex. Then give her time, maybe a month or so, and then ask again.

If she shuts you down again, then I’d push it out a bit further and keep doing that for a bit.  Now, if you get to year ten and still can’t talk about sex, then I’d say something is going on, and you might want to get some help.

As for what to do in the meantime – that’s hard to say.  It depends on the wife and your marriage.  Some will become more comfortable with more exposure to being seen.  Others will retreat further.  Know your wife.

Question 5 – Nervous about sex outdoors

Hi, want to start off by saying I’m happy I found your podcast and blog. I  appreciate having a reliable, Christian based resource for this topic.

My question is, what is your opinion on sex outdoors. For example my husband likes to have sex in the backyard at night, in the car, or the woods. It’s something the he seems to really enjoy (I assume because of the risk) but I get nervous about it. When it’s happened we are very careful, but my concern is obviously being seen by someone. Is this something sinful that we should avoid? Or is it okay to enjoy as long as we’re careful?

This has actually come up a few times in the past.  I’d refer you to these three posts:

SWM 068 – Question 1
SWM 070 – Question 1
SWM 099 – Question 3

The short answer, I think, is to weigh the risk.  You can never be 100% sure.  Even if you’re having sex in your bedroom at night, there’s a not impossibly small risk someone could crash a car through the wall and see you.  Do I worry about that?  Not at all.

If I were to have sex in my backyard, would I be worried about being caught?  It depends on how high your fences are, how nosy your neighbours are, whether you have kids at home, people who drop by to visit randomly and just walk in, etc.  

I mean, there’s still the chance you’ll get caught by a guy from the power company reading the meter or up on a pole changing a transformer, but it’s a low chance.

The bigger risk is when there’s no reasonable expectation of privacy.  That’s when you get into dangerous situations that might involve children seeing you accidentally. Then, you may face some serious legal implications that are better addressed by a lawyer.

Other than that, I would refer you to Song of Solomon, where they have sex in the vineyard. I have no idea what their expectation of privacy would have been, but they also didn’t have to worry about a sex offenders registry.  So, have fun, but be wise, I’d say.

Question 6 – Crossdressing rehash

Just want to start by saying: thanks so much for providing a wonderful resource for Christian couples to explore sex in a god-honoring way! You are doing the Lord’s work.

I am a married man with a semi-repressed kink for crossdressing – specifically women’s undergarments and lingerie. I’m hesitant to call it a fetish, since I don’t NEED its involvement for pleasure – it’s just something I’m interested in, stemming from childhood fantasies.

I have read your excellent post from 2018 on the matter and found it very insightful. However, I do feel that my situation is slightly different from the presented scenario (as well as almost all the common scenarios I see in online discourse), so I wanted to get your opinion on my situation.

Despite my hidden kink, I have zero desire to transition. I have zero homosexual attraction. I have no interest in pursuing life as a woman in public and am actually very confident in my masculinity and manhood. However, in the privacy of my marriage, I’ve begun to enjoy the idea of exploring this notion with my wife – e.g. wearing lingerie for her, perhaps as she currently does for me. I understand this breaks traditional gender norms but I’m told virtually everywhere that most things are allowed within the confines of a god-honoring marriage. I could even see this as something that brings us closer together, as it would be an entirely private matter that would not ever leave our bedroom.

I am curious if that changes anything or your views on it. I am truly seeking God’s heart on this and want to be correctly aligned with him and my wife. 

I have little experience with this, so I’m going to defer to one of the wives in our supporter group, who has more experience with it. Here’s what she said:

Even if your wife agrees to join you in this, be aware that she may find (maybe not immediately) that she really dislikes it. She can’t “unsee” her husband dressed as a woman.

Another thing, in my marriage to a crossdressing husband, I’ve found that taking one step into the activity leads to going further and further. My husband said the same things as you, that he had/has no desire to be a woman and would only want to dress up occasionally in the privacy of our home. He has now gotten to the place where he goes out regularly as a woman in public. Over the years, his practices have eroded our relationship. At times, I feel like I hate him for the harm his choices have done to our marriage.

I am part of a Christian wives’ forum/support group, and pretty much everyone in the group has found the same thing I have. I strongly encourage you to turn away from those thoughts NOW. It won’t get easier if you begin acting on your urges, and it will likely lead to serious problems.

Here’s the support group she recommends: Healing from Crossdressing

Her testimony is not the only one I’ve heard along the same lines.  So, no, it doesn’t change my views on it.  I have never had anyone come to me that I can recall and say they crossdress only in the bedroom and it stopped there and went no further and did no harm.  I have heard many over the years saying this was just the first step, and now it’s tearing their marriage apart.

Now, if you want to try and prove them wrong – that’s up to you and your wife.  But you’re playing with fire in my opinion.

—

And that’s it for this roundup of questions.  If you have a question of your own, you can ask it on the Anonymous have a question page.  If you’d like to see people answer it in the forum and be part of the discussion of your or other people’s questions, feel free to join here.  

We just recently added a section of the forum discussing BDSM topics for those interested in either tying or being tied up, dominance and submission dynamics and more.  Only 20 or so have joined that part of the forum that we just launched this week, but we’ve got a few lively discussions going already.  If you want to be a part of that or any other conversations with bible believing, sex-positive Christians, either because you are or want to be, then come check us out for a month.  You can always leave if you don’t like it.