SWM 139 – Why won’t my spouse do x – I would do it for them

Sep 17, 2024 by Jay Dee in Marriage

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Recently, I’ve noticed a question popping up all over the place. It’s come up in our supporter forum, coaching sessions, emails, comments in our latest survey, and more. This question points to a fundamental tension in many marriages – at the root of it is a self-centric desire. The desire for our spouse to serve our own needs and expectations. Whether it’s about sex or more subtle emotional needs, this recurring question often revolves around a common theme: a wish for partners to be more like ourselves.

For men, this question frequently focuses on sexual matters. Some men wonder why their spouses don’t engage in sex as often as they would like or why they don’t fulfill certain specific desires. On the other hand, when women voice similar concerns, the issues are often more nuanced. Many women express frustration with their partner’s inability to intuitively understand their needs without explicit communication.

And, of course, in some marriages, those dynamics are reversed.

Both scenarios boil down to a deeper, more universal issue: the tendency to project our own needs and expectations onto our spouses, often without fully considering their unique perspectives and experiences.

In this post, we’ll delve into why this tendency is problematic and how understanding our partner’s individual differences can relieve this frustration.

Most of us start relationships with selfish desires

When we first meet someone who we like, we like how it makes us feel. We become infatuated with them, and along with that comes the release of a bunch of hormones. We want to be around them more, to get more attention from them, not because we love them, but because we love how they make us feel.

As a result, nearly all relationships are built, firstly, on selfishness and self-love. We can see this acted out more explicitly when something goes wrong with the relationship. If the relationship sours and we break up – what happens? Often, we quickly turn on each other. Why? Because we didn’t really love them – we loved how the other made us feel, and now our partner is not fulfilling that role anymore – the role we believe they should fulfill.

A month ago, we might have been professing that we’d die for our significant other, but the truth is that we’d rather die than lose the feeling we get from them. Because all it takes is one incident, and that willingness to die for them turns into a desire to hurt them.

On the other hand, in relationships that go beyond this self-love into a real love for the other person (not just a professed love, or a love of how they make us feel), when things go sour, you see a different expression. It’s sadness and grief. We still love them because we can’t just stop that sort of love easily. Many of us will continue to love that person for the rest of our lives, even while that person is breaking our hearts.

It’s those relationships, where love changes from a feeling to dedication, when both spouses can manage that change – those are the marriages that last and end up happy.

But it’s a hard change, and it’s not like flipping a light switch for most people, but rather a gradual building, and it can fluctuate as it’s changing. Our brains are complex, self-preserving computers. They sometimes operate almost like a separate organism from our conscious thoughts. While we’re trying to build new ways of thinking, of being selfless and truly loving, it’s trying to keep those old neuropathways of selfishness alive because, well, they’ve kept us alive.

And so it’s a gradual process for most. One day, we wake up and realize that we’d not only die for our spouse – but we’d live with them, even when it’s hard, and we’d do it for the rest of our lives.

Thankfully for most of us, it’s not that difficult. We may have difficult moments, difficult seasons, but I have seen some very difficult lives where they choose to stay knowing it’s not going to get better, and might even get worse.

Those people are my heroes. But I’d say those are rare.

Side note: I’m not talking about those who are being abused and stay rather than get help. That’s a whole different topic.

What I get to see far more often are spouses who are either early in the stages of converting from selfish to selfless love or they haven’t even started yet. I’ve seen husbands and wives of all ages and relational longevity in those early stages of this conversion or not yet started, from engaged all the way up to past the age of having grandchildren.

One of the ways you can tell is when this question gets asked. When we start asking it, or similar questions, which ultimately translate to “Why can’t my spouse simply be better – like me?”

When we say, “Why can’t you do x? I would do it for you,” we are sharing many beliefs with that expression.

Ultimately what we’re saying is that their personal experience, perspective, feelings, context, history and everything else are irrelevant. Because if I believe that there’s no difference between me doing it and them doing it, then all that doesn’t matter. They’re not unique, and they’re not special; they’re just like any other human.

It also shares the sentiment, intended or not, that we’d be better off with another human rather than our spouse. After all, if it’s as easy as simply doing it (after all, I would do it for them), then that means something is wrong with them, so the prudent thing would be to swap them out for a human who is functioning properly.

That’s generally not expressed, but it’s often felt by the other spouse, because why wouldn’t it be? It’s the logical continuation of that thought.

It also squarely puts all the blame, responsibility and impetus on the other spouse. After all, I’m clearly right because I would do it for them. Therefore, I love them more than they love me, and they should do this to prove to me that they love me as much as I love them.

It’s focused solely on how they make me feel and what they do for me.

People who think like this don’t want a spouse – they want a “feeling loved” dispenser. It’s objectification – whether it’s about sex, security, feeling connected, or whatever. If all you care about is how you feel, then you’re treating the other person like an object there for your gratification, not like a person.

This perspective is generally not malicious but rather immature in the same way a toddler believes the world revolves around them.

Ultimately, this misperception stems from a genuine desire for connection and satisfaction within the relationship. However, it tends to overlook the fundamental truth that each person is shaped by their own experiences, values, and emotional makeup.

Children before the age of four don’t really understand the concept of other people having a mind of their own. They think everyone thinks the way they do, that everyone knows what they know, and that everyone sees what they see. That’s why peekaboo only works with young toddlers but eventually becomes boring as they grow up – because they begin to understand that you don’t disappear when they cover their eyes. They just can’t see you anymore.

In the same way, though much later on in our development, we need to learn that other people don’t love the way we do, and just because we act a certain way when we feel things, doesn’t mean that if they don’t act in the same way that they don’t feel the same things.

Expecting someone to mirror our own desires and preferences without considering their unique context can lead to frustration and resentment.

The Blind Spot: Ignoring the Partner’s Perspective

When we approach our partners with the expectation that they should be more like us, we often neglect to fully appreciate their individual perspectives.

For example, spontaneous desire spouses shouldn’t expect their responsive desire spouses to be in the mood at the drop of a hat. For myself, my wife could literally, at any moment, say, “Hey, up for sex?” and I would say “yep” without hesitation.

The reverse is not true.

It doesn’t mean she doesn’t love me as much. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t like sex. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t like sex with me. It just means her brain isn’t like mine. Her body isn’t like mine (I quite like those differences). She’s a whole different person.

Note: If you’re new to the term spontaneous and responsive desire, here’s a blog post on the topic.

So, rather than expect her to just be turned on when I am or as easily as I am as if we have some sort of magical connection, we adopt a more practical and realistic approach – one that acknowledges our differences. Rather than expecting her to be in the mood, she adopts a mindset of being willing to be aroused, and I recognize that it’s my role, as the spouse with the higher sex drive and desire, to invite and lead her into arousal. We both work to try and get her turned on. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t, but it’s us vs her sex drive, not me vs her.

Similarly, she doesn’t call me a sex addict just because I want sex more than she does. She doesn’t make me feel ashamed or weird because I would happily spend all day naked together doing unspeakable things to each other, and if she doesn’t want to do some of those unspeakable things, then I don’t take it as a measure of her love for me, but rather her comfort with the activity at that moment (which may or may not change in the future – be it the near future or years later).

Instead, we seek to understand each other to the point that we will defend each other’s wants, needs and desires. She will fight FOR sex because she knows it’s important to me, and I will fight NOT to have sex, even when I want sex and when it would be really easy to say, “Yeah, alright, you win, let’s go.” I’ll offer activities that I know help her get aroused, and she will offer things that she’s up for at the moment. We work together.

When I posted the draft for this in our supporter’s forum, one of our members suggested that I include Philippians 2:1-11. That’s a bit long, but I encourage you to read it, but I think the key verses that relate here are verses 3 & 4:

Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others. – Philippians 2:3-4 NKJV

It goes on to say that even Christ bowed His will to the Father in order to become our saviour. If that is our example, then the least we can do is work to move beyond our selfish desires and be selfless in our love for our spouse. Just as Christ’s sacrifice for us motivates us to return that love (however imperfectly), changing to a selfless approach to loving our spouse often inspires them to return that love to us similarly.

But it’s not a guarantee. You have to step our first in love. This isn’t a trade, it isn’t a contract, it isn’t a “I’ll do this for you,. Now you have to do it for me.” We have to first take the approach that we love them, and then what happens, happens. We give them an opportunity to reciprocate, but not a requirement to.

How do you move beyond this selfish desire?

To build a healthier and more fulfilling relationship, it’s essential to move beyond the notion that our spouses should conform to our own preferences and simply do what we want, and instead move towards understanding each other.

Now, often, people ask, “How do I do that?” Well, here is what you do:

Foster Open Communication

I say this frequently, but I repeat it because it’s important. Don’t talk to win. Talk to understand. One of the most effective ways to bridge the gap between differing desires and needs is through open communication. Instead of assuming your spouse knows what you want or need to have changed, have a candid conversation about your feelings and needs. Encourage your spouse to share their own perspectives as well. If you can’t swap places and argue the other person’s point of view, then you don’t understand them.

Practice Empathy

People often say, “Try to put yourself in the other person’s shoes,” but frankly, that’s not good enough. That’s what leads to the “I would do it for them” complaint. Don’t put yourself in their shoes. Try to be them in their shoes. Understand that their needs and preferences may differ from yours due to their unique life experiences, values, and emotional makeup. Empathy involves actively listening and considering their feelings and viewpoints.

Find Baby Steps

Rather than making demands for what you want, work together to find something in that direction that is more easily doable. By and large, spouses want to do things that make their husband or wife feel loved. It’s just that sometimes the demands are too large, too jarring, and too big of a cliff to climb. So, make it easier, and be happy with small moves in that direction rather than demanding an “all or nothing” approach. Focus on progress, not perfection. Also, remember that not all progress is externally recognizable. Sometimes there is a lot of mental work that needs to be done, and you may not see that without talking about it.

Focus on Personal Growth

Instead of fixating on changing your partner, consider how you can grow individually. This might involve developing greater patience, improving your communication skills, or working on your own emotional needs.

Often, people who make demands like that do so because they don’t know how to be content or happy. They’re seeking external validation or a sense of comfort because they don’t like themselves or haven’t learned to be a whole person without their spouse.

When I was young, there was a famous movie, Jerry Maquire, in which the protagonist made the big romantic gesture of saying, “You complete me.” It was romantic and sweet, and many women swooned at the thought of Tom Cruise (the star actor) saying this to them.

Unfortunately, it’s not a good relationship dynamic. Your spouse shouldn’t complete you. If you need to get something from them in order to be happy, then you have something to work on.

Celebrate Differences

Rather than complain that they don’t express love in the same way that you do, that they don’t do the things you want them to do, that they don’t see things the way you see them, in short, that they aren’t you, instead find positive things about them being different. I am quite happy my wife is not like me. While sometimes the differences can be slightly frustrating, like when each of us thinks opposing perspectives are obvious, by and large, those differences are amazing.

Embrace the fact that differences can enrich your relationship. Diverse perspectives and preferences can lead to new experiences and deeper connections. Celebrate what makes each of you unique, rather than seeking uniformity.

Outside Guidance

And as always, if you can’t manage to do it on your own, if navigating these differences proves challenging and you’re getting stuck somewhere along the way, seek the help of someone outside the marriage who can offer wise counsel. That could be a coach (like me), a pastor or an elder (make sure they actually have a happy marriage, not just when everyone’s watching), a parent, grandparent, aunt, uncle, trusted friend – anyone, so long as they know how to be happily married. Get guidance, accountability, support, and someone to kick your butt and tell you you’re being dumb when necessary.

Conclusion: Embracing the Journey

SWM 139 - Why won't my spouse do x? I would do it for them.

I know I was pretty hard on people who are struggling with this, and the reason is that too often, we rationalize away these sorts of dynamics. We think it’s okay because our society will tell us that we should be egocentric. If you aren’t happy or your partner isn’t providing you with what you want, then you should leave.

It’s easy to throw a pity party with that sort of backing. But what most of us need from time to time is someone to give us a kick and tell us to grow up. And I say all these things because I’ve been that spouse. I’ve been the guy sulking because my wife isn’t as interested in sex as I am, or because my mind is making up stories about how she must be doing this on purpose, or that she clearly doesn’t care about me because she knows how important it is to me.

And it’s not like your spouse can be the one to tell you to grow up – that doesn’t go very well generally. If your husband or wife came to you and said, “If you loved me, you would…” or “If you were a godly spouse, you would…” or “Other husbands and wives do x for each other…” you probably wouldn’t handle it well. So don’t do it to your spouse. Don’t tell them what they should do, don’t compare them to other people, and don’t quote bible verses at them to try and get them to change. It doesn’t matter if it’s true – it’s not smart.

It’s natural to want to feel loved. Unfortunately, it’s equally natural for our sinful nature to turn that into a belief that our feeling of love is the same as their loving us. It also lets us focus on ourselves instead of our spouse, so while we complain about being loved, we refuse to extend the same love to them in a meaningful way.

By fostering open communication, practicing empathy, finding baby steps, and celebrating differences, couples can build stronger, more resilient relationships. It’s a journey that requires patience, understanding, and a commitment to growth—both as individuals and as spouses.

In the end, relationships thrive not when partners become mirrors of each other but when they learn to navigate and appreciate their differences, forging a deeper connection through mutual respect and understanding.