SWM 135 – It’s good to try new things

Podcast: Play in new window | Download | Embed

Subscribe to the Podcast: Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Amazon Music | Android | iHeartRadio | Podchaser | Email | TuneIn | Deezer | RSS | More

Most kids, when growing up, enter a picky stage at some point.  Some when they’re toddlers, some when they’re young children, some when they become teenagers.  When our 3rd or 4th kid entered this phase, everyone knew the response when they didn’t want to eat something new that we’d made.  “It’s good to try new things.”  They didn’t have to eat it all but had to try it—a decent try, not a touch to the tongue followed by an exaggerated exclamation of disgust.

In fact, we made it a rule in our house that you are not allowed to insult food someone else had prepared.  You could say you didn’t like it, but if you were not to call it bad, disgusting, gross, or anything like that.

Teaching children to at least give something new a fair shot, I think, has applications later on in life as well. I often talk to husbands and wives whose spouses simply will not try anything new in the bedroom. One will bring up an idea, and it’s immediately shot down by the “picky” spouse—the one who is perfectly happy with the flavour of vanilla every night.

And I sometimes wonder why this is.  Is this only related to sex, or does it overlap with other areas of life?  Do they generally prefer stability, routine and comfort over new experiences, adventure and excitement? 

But today, I want to talk about why I think it’s good to try new things – not only when it comes to food, but also in the bedroom – or outside of the bedroom, depending on how much privacy you have.  We’re going to talk about the interplay between dopamine, controlled risk-taking, adventure and trust in marriages as it pertains to sex and more.

Understanding dopamine – the science of excitement

Dopamine is often referred to as the “feel good” hormone or the “reward” hormone.  It’s a neurotransmitter that plays an important role in our brain’s reward system.  It’s responsible for feeling pleasure, motivation, satisfaction and more.  

We tend to release dopamine when we’ve done something that we feel is worth celebrating.  That could be as simple as checking something off your to-do list or as exciting as surviving a jump out of an airplane with a parachute.  We also get hits of dopamine when we experience something pleasurable – like a decadent dessert or some erotic playtime.  But it’s not just released when we experience pleasure.  It’s also strongly associated with anticipation and novelty.

In relationships, this is part of the euphoric feelings we experience at the beginning when the relationship is just starting, and you’re infatuated with your partner.  Everything is new and exciting.  It’s all one big adventure.

The risk-reward connection

As the relationship matures, the challenge becomes maintaining that sense of excitement and anticipation when the person is no longer new to you.

I just saw a video on TikTok the other day of a girl asking her boyfriend why he is never interested in sex anymore, and his answer, which was brutally honest, was simply that he was getting bored.  After all, she’s the same person every day; they’d been together three years, and it’s simply not as exciting for him anymore.

Now, that speaks to another topic regarding the frequency of new relationships and how young people date these days, but this sentiment, while rarely expressed, often plagues marriages as well.  

In marriage, rather than relying on a new person, we need to seek out new experiences together. This doesn’t always have to relate to sex. Trying a new board game, visiting a new restaurant, watching a new movie together, or going bungee jumping can all be shared experiences that will help increase dopamine.

However, you’ll find this experience heightened when it comes to sexual activities.  There is an added element of the taboo in a lot of cases.  On top of that, you’re exposed – not only physically but emotionally as well in a lot of cases.  This increases the perceived risk and heightens the sense of gain if you end up having a good experience.

The key is that there is an element of uncertainty and the shared experience of meeting that uncertainty together and making it certain. Like jumping out of an airplane and not knowing if you’re going to make it to the ground.  Then, when you do, it’s not certain that you survived, but the adventure is the part in between when you didn’t know yet if it would be okay.

Building Trust Through Shared Risks

This all leads to establishing more trust. Often, I’m asked how couples can repair trust in a broken relationship, and the truth is that there is no safe way to manufacture trust quickly. It’s not something you can build or rebuild overnight. You can choose to put your trust in them, but the trust itself takes time to build in most cases.  

The only way to do that is to have experiences where that trust is extended and not broken. You begin to trust that they will keep your trust.  

This is where that calculated risk-taking comes into play.  I’m not suggesting you blindly trust people in order to build trust with them.  Rather, you trust them further than before and see if they can handle it.  You also see if you can handle it.  If it goes well – well, now you trust them more than you did.

When you take small risks with your spouse and see positive outcomes, you’re not just having fun – you’re also actively building trust.  Each successful experience reinforces the belief that you can trust each other, even in uncertain situations.  Over time, this creates a positive feedback loop – increased trust leads to a willingness to take larger (safe) risks, which in turn leads to more trust.

The comfort zone paradox

Now, it’s human nature for most people to seek comfort and stability, especially in relationships; however, there is a paradox at play here.  If we become too comfortable, we risk losing the excitement and passion that drew us together in the first place.

Our relationships require a balance between comfort and safe risk-taking. You need stability and safety to build a stable relationship, but you also need adventure and uncertainty to maintain interest in each other and build trust.

If you never try anything that makes you uncomfortable, you’re likely not doing anything risky enough to get that dopamine rush to excite you about your spouse again.

After all, what drew you to your spouse was the excitement of not knowing things about them.  What will make you excited about them again is to engage in activities where there again is a level of uncertainty.

How does this relate to sex?

In the beginning of your relationship, sex was probably really exciting.  For some, it was the first time they’d had sex, and everything about it is new and exciting.  Not to mention that arousal and orgasms release dopamine.

New person, new activities and sex make a huge exciting cocktail of neurotransmitters.  This is why often people are shocked when they enter a new relationship (be it due to divorce, death or an affair) to find they suddenly have a sex drive when they didn’t in their previous (or other current) relationship.  It’s not that they themselves were broken, it’s that they had stopped nurturing excitement in the relationship.

It’s the newness and uncertainty that’s exciting.

We see this same behaviour happen when people have a “sexual awakening”.  This might be due to hormone changes, a new perspective on life, getting healthier, or changing some other belief.  

We see this happen often in our Becoming More Sexually Engaged course where they learn more about the theology of marriage and sex, and suddenly feel free to explore and try new things with their spouse.

All of a sudden they’re interested in trying new things sexually, and they’ll be shocked to find out how much they actually like sex – because now they’re trying new things and getting that dopamine fix which makes them want to try new things again.

That’s why I create resources like Our Sexploration List so that you can find things that are a bit edgier, to help give you opportunities to trust each other.

Because if you don’t step out of your comfort zone, with some regularity, then you’re going to get bored with sex, bored with life, and bored with each other.  If you’ve fallen into a “roommate” sort of dynamic, this is probably what’s happened.

Have uncomfortable sex

So, have uncomfortable sex.  I don’t mean physically uncomfortable or painful.  I mean be willing to take a step out and try something that maybe you’re not sure of.  And a proper try too – not just a touch to your tongue followed by an exaggerated exclamation of disgust.  In fact, I’d suggest trying things a couple of times.  If you’re female, I’d say try at different times in your cycle as well, because that can change how things feel as well as what interests you.

And how uncomfortable you’re willing to be will depend on you and your relationship. Some are willing to jump into anything and everything.  Others need more time and baby steps to trust little by little.

But if you’re digging in your heels and are unwilling to extend any trust – well, then you have a serious problem.  

Now, in some cases, the spouse has broken trust so egregiously that it’s hard to trust at all again, and you may need some time.  In other cases there might be a history of abuse where trust is difficult.  If there’s anything like that – seek therapy, because you won’t be able to move forward without trusting again.

But if you’re the one holding back trust in the bedroom simply because “I don’t feel like it” or “I like what we already do” – then I’ll flat out say that you are holding back the marriage.  When you wonder why you’re not happy, not excited to see your spouse, not interested in being married anymore – well, you’re probably at least part of the reason.

Practical Steps to Inject Adventure into Your Relationship

So, how do you bring back excitement and adventure?

Start Small: Begin with low-stakes risks. Try a new hobby together, explore an unfamiliar part of your city, cook a challenging recipe as a team, or try a new position in bed.  Do something, anything, to get out of your comfort zone.

Gradual Progression: As you build confidence and trust, gradually increase the level of adventure. This could mean planning a spontaneous weekend getaway or signing up for a challenging class together, or maybe check out Our Sexploration List and find some things to try out.

Take turns: Take turns being the one to suggest and lead new experiences. This builds mutual trust and ensures both partners feel involved in the adventure-planning process.  Now, it doesn’t need to be 50/50.  When asked, most higher-drive spouses say they would be thrilled if their husband or wife just initiated 10% of the time.

Reflect and Appreciate: After each new experience, take time to discuss how it felt, what you learned about each other, and how it impacted your relationship. This reflection reinforces the positive aspects of risk-taking.  Also, talking about it is another thing that feels vulnerable and risky, and so that will build trust as well.  You would not believe how many people are willing to have sex, but not talk about it with the person they’re having sex with.  If that’s you, that’s a good thing to fix.

Embrace Imperfection: Not every risk will pay off perfectly, and that’s okay. The ability to laugh off minor failures together is itself a form of intimacy-building.  There’s nothing wrong with trying something and going “Yeah, that wasn’t for me.”  That’s much better than the adult equivalent of throwing a bowl of broccoli across the room, which is giving them a disgusted look and asking what is wrong with them because they want to try something new with you.

Leaping into Faith

One of the most exhilarating experiences in a relationship is when your partner says “trust me,” and you find yourself able to do just that, even if you’re feeling apprehensive. This metaphorical trust fall can lead to some of the most rewarding and dopamine-rich moments in your relationship.  I can’t tell you how many times I read comments, emails and survey responses from people who are quite surprised by the things they actually like in the bedroom.  I’ve seen more than a few comments like that in our BDSM survey – by the way, if you haven’t taken it yet, you should go take it now.

However, it’s crucial to build up to these moments. If you find yourself consistently unable to trust your partner in these situations, it’s time for some honest introspection. Ask yourself:

Is this a relationship issue? Has your spouse given you reasons not to trust them?

Is this a personal issue? Do you struggle with trust in general, perhaps due to past experiences?

Identifying the root cause is the first step towards addressing it, whether that means working on communication within your relationship or seeking personal growth through therapy or self-reflection.

The Long-Term Benefits of Adventure

Building a marriage in which trust is being continually grown through acts of safe risk-taking and vulnerability leads to some other benefits as well.

Improved Communication: Navigating new experiences together requires clear communication and teamwork.  It’s very easy to wallow in poor communication with a stagnant life, but once you start pushing the boundaries, then you need to increase communication as well, and that is a skill that helps your entire relationship.

Increased Resilience: Overcoming challenges as a couple builds confidence in your ability to face life’s obstacles together.  Jumping out of a plane together makes other things seem much simpler.  Likewise having an intense and varied sex life makes everything in life seem easier to deal with.

Continued Personal Growth: Trying new things prevents stagnation and encourages ongoing personal development.  You not only grow as a couple, but as a person as you challenge your own internal boundaries and test whether they are healthy or not.

Shared Memories: These unique experiences become cherished memories that strengthen your bond.  You’ll likely not remember a lazy Sunday afternoon where nothing happened except sitting on the porch doing a crossword puzzle, but you’ll never forget the big adventurous trip you took together, and likely not the first time you tried a particular new thing in bed, either.

Sustained Passion: And of course, regular doses of excitement and novelty can help maintain sexual and emotional passion in long-term relationships, which many people struggle with.  I don’t hear of many, if any, couples who have a varied and erotic sex life who are also bored with each other.  But I know of plenty of couples who feel like they have nothing in common, and there’s nothing going on between the sheets either except perhaps some very efficient sex occasionally.

Conclusion: Your Adventure Awaits

Lastly, just a reminder that the goal isn’t to live in a constant state of anxiety or to take unnecessary risks.  Instead, it’s about creating a dynamic where calculated risk-taking feels more exciting than scary. It’s about building a strong foundation of trust that you can take leaps of faith together, knowing you’ll land safely in each other’s arms.

So, if you’re ready to inject some adventure into your relationship, then start small, build trust, and watch as those dopamine-fueled moments of excitement become the highlights of your journey together.  Your next big adventure as a couple is up to you both.  All you each need to do is to take that first step out of your comfort zone.

Because it’s good to try new things.