SWM 134 – AQ – Piercings, how not to start a fight, nude photos, nude beaches and more

Podcast: Play in new window | Download | Embed

Subscribe to the Podcast: Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Amazon Music | Android | iHeartRadio | Podchaser | Email | TuneIn | Deezer | RSS | More

We’ve had a rough month around here. We lost a bunch of chickens to illness, we had a horse run away, then lost a horse to a trailering accident, and then had to put down another horse due to old age. Then my wife and kids left to go camping for a week and a half, and I’ve been home working on dealing with the farm in the middle of a heat wave.  So, if you’ve been wondering what happened to the blog, podcast and emails – that’s what happened.  We’ve had a rough time of it lately and I’ve been doing my best to take on more of the load while my wife has been dealing with chickens, sadness over the horses and then being away.

So, today is the first day that I’ve got nothing I need to run into town for, no coaching calls, no work emergencies, and while I should be cleaning out some cages – it’s just too hot outside.  I know for some 40C (over 100F) isn’t that hot, but for us, it is.  I mean, we get -40 in the winter – we shouldn’t have to deal with positive 40 in the summer as well.

So, yeah, I’m a bit behind, but we’re going to see if we can get back on track.  Christina is coming home Sunday and hopefully, we’ll get back to some semblance of normal.

For today, we’ve got a bunch of anonymous questions from May that I didn’t get to answer in June for the aforementioned reasons.  For those that are new, these questions come in from our anonymous Have A Question page and so all I get is what’s given in the question.  There’s no contact information and nothing else to go on.  We kick the questions around in our forum and then I write my thoughts down into a blog and podcast episode, which you’re reading now.

One quick thing before we get to that though – we’ve currently got a survey running which I’d love to have your input on.  I had asked a while ago what everyone would want to have a survey about, and the answer was BDSM.  So, that’s what we’re doing.  

Now, if you don’t engage in anything like that or have no interest in it – I still want you to fill it out.  It will be pretty short because it’s largely going to ask if you do and if not, then you don’t get any of the other questions.  But the reason I want you to fill it out is to give an accurate representation of who does and doesn’t engage in these activities.  

If you think many do and you do – you should fill it out.  If you think most don’t, and you don’t – you should fill it out.  If you’re Christian, Muslim, Athiest, Married, Single, Engaged, or whatever – I’d love your data.  It’s anonymous and the raw data will not be shared with anyone.  

With that out of the way, here are the ten questions we’re tackling today.

Question 1 – How often should a healthy man need sex?

Hi Jay,

I looked through your blogs and didn’t find this specific question addressed. My question is, how often should a healthy, active 35-year-old man need sex? What’s the norm on this? My husband and I have been drifting to roughly ten days as the norm. I hate it. He usually has an excuse- his back hurts, he didn’t sleep well, and other things on his mind. I really feel like our roles are switched compared to most couples. My husband is very careful to stay away from porn, so I know that’s not the issue. Masturbation may play a role, however. And when we go a month with only three times of intimacy… in our 30s… I’m just really scared of what our future will look like. What advice can you give me for turning this ship around? Thanks

Yes, I agree. It sounds like your roles are reversed from the stereotypical dynamic. However, that stereotype only reflects about 2/3rds to 3/4s of the population. In about a quarter to a third of relationships, the wife has the higher drive, and the husband has the lower. So, while it reversed from “most couples,” it’s not at all outside of the range of “normal.”

That’s not to say it can’t be improved.  Regardless of which spouse has the higher drive, when couples only have sex a few times a month, typically, at least one spouse is unhappy about it.

Now, there could be something else going on, like psychological trauma, stress, low testosterone, health issues, anxiety about performance (E.D., P.E., etc.), and more.  Or it could be that he simply has more of a responsive drive and believes that mood should dictate activity.  This is a common problem in marriages where we think that we shouldn’t have sex if we’re not already “in the mood” rather than seeing sex as something that’s important to the marriage, to our spouse, and that we can create the mood rather than hoping it shows up like some magical force.

This is why I tend to recommend people think more about whether they’re willing to be in the mood rather than whether or not they are in the mood.

To start, though, it requires a conversation where both spouses are willing to have an open discussion about it without getting defensive.  Of course, you can only control one side of that conversation.  He has to be willing to uphold the other side. But I’d start there.  

If you need some help understanding how sex drives work, because sometimes a framework helps, check out our free ebook “Where did my sex drive go?“

Question 2 – Clitoral piercing

Recently, I had the random thought it might be interesting for my wife to get a clitoris piercing.  She already pierced her ears long before I knew her so this could be a fun decoration for us to enjoy in private. 

Do you have any survey data on couples who have or got genital piercings? I’m interested if it helps the female side be more aroused or if they felt better during sex? Also if they regret doing it and if it brought them closer or further apart in their marriage? 

Thank you for all that you do and teach.  You do a lot of background work, but a lot of people benefit from it as you build up a storehouse of godly advice. 

I think step number one would be to talk to your spouse about it.  

I can’t say it’s something I’m well versed in.  I do know that there are inconsistent results.  Some find more pleasure, some don’t, and some find it just ends up getting in the way.  I have seen quite a few people mention that they got it for the aesthetic, and while it didn’t change any feeling, they’re still happy with the aesthetic.  

Of course, as with any situation like this, there is a risk of infection, rejection, tearing, etc..

Other than that, there’s likely not enough of a sample size in my audience to get any reliable data from – so I can’t even offer to run a survey myself.

As one of my supporters said in the forum, it’s likely that those who enjoy it already have a relatively high drive and are sexually adventurous.  So, if you’re looking for this to fix something, then you may be disappointed. 

Either way, I think a conversation with your spouse is a good first step.

Question 3 – How do we start talking about sex without hurt feelings?

Hi Jay,

I have been reading a lot of your stuff for a while now and I really appreciate the time you take in educating and basically counseling from afar.  Here’s my issue and it seems to be an age old one – talking & communicating. I’m in my early 30s and I’ve been married for a few years with 1 kid. My wife and I have sex once a month on average, twice a month if we’re lucky, sometimes going a few months without it. The sex isn’t bad but it’s gotten to where it often feels like we’re just going through the motions with the same positions. I would love to have more but my wife’s drive just isn’t there. 

My frustration is that I… 1. Would like to have more sex. 2. Would like to spice things up. Issues you addressed before on other posts, right? I’ve bought your various resources to help with these things but she ultimately seems disinterested. Clearly we need to talk about this.

Well how do you even approach having these conversations without the other getting their feelings hurt? How do you do it without seeming totally dissatisfied with the other person? How do you even bring it up initially? I only see it ending in arguments where I come across as the bad guy, where I apologize for bringing it up and I just resign myself to infrequent, bland sex. I say that because the couple of times I’ve tried to talk it out it’s just ended up this way. I’m open to ideas. I can’t help but think that these are some prime years where we can have fun, grow closer/more intimate, and enjoy each other’s bodies. I don’t want to throw these years away. I look forward to getting your take on this. Thanks again for all of your input on things over the years.

Well, the typical answers are things like using I statements instead of you statements, avoiding ineffective communication patterns, watching your tone, compliment sandwiches and all that stuff.  But to be honest, while those are good skills and can help – they won’t get you started.

If every conversation you’ve ever had about the topic ends up in an argument, then basic communication skills aren’t going to cut it.  I’m sad to say even advanced skills likely won’t help because you’ve already built up such a foundation of conflict on the topic that what you say during that particular conversation will be outweighed by everything you’ve both said and done in the past.

So, does that mean you just give up?  No, but it means you have to lay some groundwork before you start tackling the subject.  

Now, I see two ways forward.  The first is hard.  Basically, you have a conversation about the conflict, not the topic.  Talk about how you talk about the topic.  You don’t talk about sex; you don’t argue for or against anything to do with sex; instead, you talk about talking.

So, this might go something like, “Dear, can we talk about something? I’ve noticed, and I bet you have, too, that every time we talk about sex, we end up in an argument.  I don’t like that, and I doubt you do either. It’s unproductive for either of us, and we just end up angry and solving nothing.  Then we do it again in a few months.  I want to break this cycle, and I don’t think I can do that by myself.  Can we talk about how we talk about it?  I have some ideas I’d like to run by you – again, not ideas about sex, but ideas about how we talk.  I’d like to know your opinion on them.”

You might notice that this uses I statements, it tackles the problem as a team, it’s asking for buy-in – it’s using those basic communication skills.  But more importantly – it’s a conversation about attitude rather than the topic.  This changes the dynamic.  Instead of saying, “Hey, want to go another round of fights about the same thing?” it invites them to try something new.  We’re going to try and break the old pattern, and step one is acknowledging that there is a pattern, and it’s bad, and we want better.

And then you set up some ground rules for conversations about things you’re in conflict with – together.  You don’t just create them yourself; you co-create them, and then both agree to them.

And the most important rule has to be – the next time we talk about it, it’s a new attempt.  We leave the past in the past, and we talk about the future.

For example, a common conflict might have been, “You always want sex when it’s late and I’m tired.”  This argument has a bunch of problems.  It starts with a  “you” instead of an “I statement”.  It uses an absolute “always”.  It points to the past and is a complaint.  It offers no solutions or path forward.

But what if you changed this to be, “I would find it easier to engage sexually if you initiated earlier in the evening if I knew what the plan was for the night and what time you expected us to be able to get to sleep.”  Because let’s face it, there’s a big difference between a “maintenance quickie” and a “marathon session” in the middle of the week when it’s 11 pm and you have to get up before 6 am.

This starts with an “I statement,” and it gives clear behaviours that give an opportunity to try without guessing in the future.

You also both have to agree to adopt a different attitude.  One that assumes your spouse loves you, and so everything that makes you feel hurt or defensive is not intentional.  Don’t make your spouse out to be the enemy.  Ask questions to understand what it is they are trying to say.

I would try that first.  If that doesn’t work, the second approach is to pull a third party in, like a marriage coach.  When I’m coaching couples who are struggling with things like this, where they have a topic they just can’t talk about without fighting, then I act as:

Teacher – to help you learn new communication skills, understandings about sex, drives, desire, etc.

Translator – to help you understand what the other is saying

Referee – to stop things when they start to spiral or when one of you isn’t playing by the rules (which is likely going to be both of you)

And that can be really helpful because sometimes you don’t realize what you’re doing when you start an argument.  You’re just so used to it, your brain goes, “Oh, we’re having this fight again?  I can do that”, and it literally kicks the argument over to another part of the brain – the part that handles well-known routines, and it will run on autopilot having the fight for you, even when you don’t want to.

A coach will turn off the autopilot so you have a chance to actually talk instead of following a well-known script.

I hope that helps or at least gives you something to start on.  It’s not going to be the full answer, I’m afraid.  With coaching, I find most couples need somewhere between 1-3 months before they “graduate” and don’t need me anymore.  Some manage to do it in a single hour-long session; some go for a year.  It all depends on how ingrained these patterns are, how much of a shift you have to make, and, frankly, how stubborn you are.  On average, we’re talking about a solid 4-12 hours across that time of talking, teaching, modelling, etc., plus homework to do in between to practice to try and solve some of these dynamics.  

There’s no way to simply put that in a short question.  So, I hope these first steps will help at least get you on your way.  Maybe you’re one of those couples that just need a single session, and this is enough for you.  Some even get what they need out of the first discovery call.  If not, feel free to reach out, and we can talk about coaching.

Question 4 – Is it good to masturbate to stay in a sexless marriage

Is it good to masturbate to stay in a sexless marriage when your wife only wants oral sex on her birthday and not P.I.V. sex?

So, we were unclear if this meant that the only sex you’re having ever is you giving her oral sex on her birthday and nothing else the rest of the year or what.

If that’s the case, then one of my supporters wrote:

In general, I would say no, masturbation to stay in a sexless marriage is not “good”. That is just applying a band-aid to a severed limb.

And I agree – all masturbation is doing is making it tolerable for you, so you don’t do anything about it.  It’s like turning to alcohol because you’re miserable instead of fixing your life.

Instead, work to fix the marriage.  I mean, if you’re already at this point – what is there to lose?  You might as well bring out the big guns and start running the Matthew 18:15-17 protocol.

Talk to her about fixing it, and if she won’t, bring in a trusted third party.  If she still won’t listen, involve the church.

Question 5 – Professional nude photos with a male photographer

Hello! Thank you for all the good information that I find here. I’ll get to the point quickly.  My husband wants me to pose for nude pictures. I have let him take a fair amount of pictures with his phone.  Now, he wants professional nude pictures of me.  He has a photographer picked out but the photographer is male. I’m not sure what to do.  The photographer has female assistants and does really tasteful nudes.  I’m not embarrassed or a prude but I’m not sure about being completely naked in front of a male photographer for pictures.  Most of my doctors are male and they see me semi-nude for examinations. I’m leaning toward doing it for him.  What do you think? 

I’m a little nervous!

I would not be okay with that at all.  I’d much rather spend the money getting a camera and learning to take the pictures myself.  

A doctor is one thing – the context isn’t sexual. This is. The gender doesn’t matter; you’re involving someone else in a clearly sexual context. I think that’s wrong.

As for him being male, I’m not exactly sure what difference that makes, especially considering you don’t know his orientation, and likewise, with his female assistants. Maybe he’s gay, and they’re all straight, and they aren’t attracted to you at all.  Or maybe he’s straight, and the females are all gay, and they’re all getting off on having you be naked in front of them while they’re clothed.  Who knows.  

And I’m not suggesting you ask them because, well, people lie, and either way, I don’t think it matters because I think it’s wrong to involve other people in your sexual play, which is what I think this is.

Question 6 – Newly married wife only interested in the same sexual routine

Hey there! My wife and I have been married for 5 months, together for over 3 years. We waited until marriage to even go past 1st base and really feel it was so worth it. We both have high sex drives and have sex 4-7 times a week. We both love it, and she and I both orgasm every single time without fail.

But, the issue arises around exploration. Sex has become a routine, where we go through the same motions of making out and grinding as foreplay, then she goes on top of me and grinds on my thigh until she orgasms (about 5-10 mins). Afterwards, we will then have missionary intercourse until I finish.  This is very enjoyable, and both of us finish and we feel connected, which is good, but I want more. I always fantasized about and wanted to do things like oral on her, oral on me, fingering, different sex positions, etc. But she doesn’t even like me to touch her down there and is only okay with my penis going in. She says that it feels like “sensory overload” and feels bad. Same with oral and other positions, she says that it doesn’t feel good and is “overstimulating”. The thigh grinding is all that feels good. I am just at a loss of what to do. I have talked to her many times about it and asked questions about why she doesn’t want me to touch her or why other positions are not an option (wondering if she maybe has trauma she hasn’t told me about or has body image issues) but she says she does not have either of those things and just doesn’t like the idea of any of it. Considering that she does orgasm and does feel pleasure from grinding, it makes me think that it’s a mental block for her rather than a physical one, and that she has not given other things a fair chance to even see if she likes it.  I find her extremely attractive and just want to go down on her all the time and have her go down on me, but she barely even touches my penis. I have told her many times that oral and other positions is something that I really crave and desire daily but she has not even tried.  I am a very clean hygienic person so I know it’s not that, and we have extremely deep trust with eachother, and sex was not taboo for her growing up, so I just am at a loss at this point of why she doesn’t want to do more, and don’t know the conversation to have anymore. 

Additional context for my wife is that she is very high anxiety in all aspects of life, and always has been, and is prone to panic attacks. However she refuses to take meds or get therapy for it. But I can’t help but wonder if these issues of exploration are due to high anxiety, and if we maybe need to see a couples therapist or she needs to see a therapist.  

I want to help her, and above all I want sex to be mutually enjoyable and relationship building for us, so I don’t want to force her to do things she’s uncomfortable with, but also from what I’ve heard you said and what I’ve read in books, being uncomfortable sometimes is a good thing in sex when trying new things, and just a part of the process. 

Any advice on how to differently approach things with her, or things that I can do better in this situation would be great. Thanks!

You’re only five months in.  Give it some time.  Yes, the anxiety might exacerbate this, but many wives struggle to explore sexually.  It’s hard when you’ve been taught all your life not to, and then suddenly, you’re expected to do a complete reversal on that.

I would say give it time and suggest smaller changes that are easier to adopt – oral sex is a big jump for a lot of women.  You’ll likely have an easier time trying a new position or offering a full body massage that turns into manual stimulation for her.  

If things are overstimulating for her, then be sure to use lubricant, and also use indirect touches, not direct ones.

Be patient, and maybe talk about where she sees your sex life in 10 years.  Is it the same thing you’re doing now? Or does she expect to grow that part of your marriage as well as the rest?

Question 7 – Becoming a Christian didn’t fix my homosexual attraction

Hi, me and my wife have been incredibly blessed by your ministry. You’re doing incredible work and when it comes to marital sex resources you’re my go to and top recommendation. Thank you for your work.

Here’s my question. So I’ve only recently uncovered that after believing my sexuality had been completely changed when I became a Christian 3 years ago, that I still have very strong homosexual attractions that are surfacing. I’m being deeply tempted into unfaithfulness but so far I think aim [sic]

I’m afraid the question got cut off there for some reason.  

Let me say that while some people experience a resolution to their same-sex attraction when they become a Christian, not everyone does.  For some, it takes years.  For others, it’s something they struggle with for the rest of their lives.

And in all honesty – it doesn’t matter.  You’re married.  Whether it’s men or women that you’re attracted to, the issue is the temptation to be unfaithful, not who you’re trying to be unfaithful with.  Whether you’re straight, homosexual, bisexual, pansexual or are sexually attracted to avocados – it’s wrong to act on those attractions.

So, I would look more towards what’s causing you to be tempted to cheat on your wife rather than who it is you are tempted to cheat with.

That might be a complex mix of relationship issues, personal issues and context.  Honestly, entire books could be written on each of those.  

Generally, though, happy marriages are less likely to have affairs, happy people are less likely to have affairs, and you shouldn’t put yourself in compromising situations.

Question 8 – Nude beaches

What are your thoughts on going to a nude beach together with my wife? We’ve been to a nude beach in the past where I went nude and my wife went topless and we both enjoyed it.

I think it depends on your reason.

If you are a nudist – believe that people should be naked naturally and it’s not a sexual thing for you, then I could see an argument for that.  I don’t think I agree with it, but I can appreciate the viewpoint.  

If your reason is that you get a thrill out of it—either by seeing other people or seeing your wife in front of other people this exposed—then I think that’s a problem.

Question 9 – Get better at rejection

Hello J.D.

You have talked about getting better at being rejected but I couldnt find any blogposts or podcast episodes about it. Could you give some advice? 

Being rejected and feeling rejection is a returning problem for me and my wife. She knows sex is important for our relationship and we have slowly improved our sex lives. However, again and again we run into the same problem where I feel rejected and neglegted for her turning down sex or she passively turns down sex by saying yes but she then “starfishes” me. Sometimes I can’t complete when this happens. Other times I finish but feel wrong, rejected and disappointed anyways. The result is that I lose morale, enthusiasm, and initiative. I become bitter and angry at her. Holding myself back, my true feelings and thoughts as an unproductive revenge. 

We always find each other again, however, we seem not to solve the problem definitively. We are 5 years into marriage. Two Kids. Any advice on how I can handle rejection in a constructive way both when she has good reasons and also she has not so good reasons.

Since our problem is a more fundamental one and it will probably take longer time to solve, I know rejection will be a thing in the future of our relationship, so how do I improve here? Is there a trick or hack to turn the feeling of rejection and disappointment around? What should I say to myself? What should I say or communicate to her.

Thank you for your ministry!

I think the first approach is to understand her reasons.  You say “she has not so good reasons”, however most people believe they are acting logically and morally.  So, she must think her reasons are good and right.  

So, I’d start there – seek to understand her side of it well enough that you can articulate it in a way that she agrees with you.

Once you understand her side, you can start to solve the problem. But you can’t do that while you still think she doesn’t have good reasons.

Some of the rest of it is simply hormonal.  The longer you go without sex, the more oxytocin drops off, and the more you’re going to start feeling emotionally insecure.  That can make people cranky and frustrated – especially if they don’t know what’s going on or why it’s happening.

A good first step is to simply understand that this is chemical.  It’s not that your wife doesn’t love you or care for you.  It’s simply that your chemistry is upset that it’s missing something, which makes you feel insecure about the relationship.  

The next would be to try and find other ways to boost oxytocin – this is primarily done through physical touch, and while sex, specifically orgasm, boosts it the most, you can get small amounts from hugs, kisses, cuddling, holding hands, etc. 

It’s not going to solve the feeling, but it might help a bit, like eating a mint when you’re starving.

That, and don’t lie about how you’re doing.  If your wife asks you how you are – be honest, tell her you’re struggling and that you don’t understand her side, but would like to.

Then, start having real conversations about it.

Also, realize that the worse you are at rejection – the more likely you are to be rejected.  It’s a simple fact that confidence is sexier than pouting, and if you make her feel like the relationship is based only on sex, then it’s going to feel more transactional for her, which is bad.

For those who are doing the rejection though – you should be aware that while the relationship is about more than sex – sex is like the eggs in the cake.  If you want a cake, that doens’t mean you only care about the eggs.  Similarly, if you take the eggs out of the cake – it’s not a cake anymore.

Lastly, I would stop having bad sex.  If she agrees to have sex, but then “starfishes” you, then stop.  Say, “I’m not interested in sex when you’re not present.  We can try again another night.”

That doesn’t mean she has to be completely “on”, aroused, porn-star level engaged, but if she’s disconnecting and starfishing – then let her know you want sex with her, not just her body.

Question 10 – Struggling with Orgasm

Struggling with Oing

We have been married 20+ year.  We are both in our 40’s.  I have had the higher drive in our marriage most of the time and most of the time have multiple O, if I want.  Six weeks ago I had a hysterectomy.  My cycles were not stopping.  I was put for the first time in my life on the pill till I could have the hysterectomy.  During times of heavy bleeding sex was off the table.  I did not have the desire on birth control.  My husband has also had stress at work that has shut down his drive.  He is spending hours at night video gaming.  We have kids so this is when it worked best to have sex.  

We are cleared for external play by my doctor.  I was not able to O for 6 weeks.  During this time I made sure my husband was taken care of in this area by me.  We have tried and I can not get to O.   I even tried solo twice.  We have had conversations about this in the past.  My husband is fine with this. We can not have penetration till 14 weeks after surgery.  (The top of my vagina is stitched together.  I no longer have a cervix.)   What has worked in the past is not working.  Not sure if it is because I did not O for 6 weeks, I am frustrated with him in other parts of our lives or from the surgery. I start pelvic pt this week.  I am having issue also with my pelvic floor, and using the bathroom.  I am frustrated with my husband because he tells me he is going to do something and does not end up finishing it.  I had 6 weeks of no picking up anything over 10 lb, no pushing or pulling and no bending.  I have incision on my abdomen from the hysterectomy.  I could not do these things for myself.  I am off work.  We both work full time outside of the home.  During these times I do 75% of home and kid stuff and he does the other 25%.  

On top of all of this I have a teen who’s struggling with addiction for weed and nicotine.  He is getting it from friends and school.  He can not wait till he turns 18 so he can move out.  He feels like we treat him like a baby because we need to know where he is, what he is doing and with who.  He had had run in with the law a few times also.  He is in therapy and group.  Our other two kids are nero diverse and have own issues.  My husband is not open to therapy and struggles with not having close friends or family.  Thank you for any suggestions.

Honestly, you have a lot going on, and it is no wonder you’re struggling with orgasm.  Between the surgery recovery, obvious hormone changes from that surgery, new meds, change in lifestyle, the stress of feeling your husband is not pulling his fair share, and your teen’s issues on top of the other kids – well, it’s no wonder.

I honestly am not sure where to start with this.  As one of my supporters said, “This A.Q. overwhelms me.”  There’s a lot going on, and I don’t think I can help solve the entire thing in a simple question.  

So, I’m going to stick with the original question about struggling to orgasm because, well, sex is a multiplier in a relationship – it either makes everything better or everything worse.  So, maybe if we can solve that, the rest will be easier to tackle.

With big changes such as you’re going through (meds, surgery, hormones), often for women, things can change in terms of what feels good and what helps achieve an orgasm.  This also happens with pregnancy and birthing.  I think with each of our five children, we had to almost learn from scratch what worked for my wife.  On the positive side, now we have a large repertoire of things.

So, don’t rely on old methods – try new things.  You may find you need more gentle touch, or more firm touch.  Faster vs slower, grinding vs impact, direct vs indirect, there are a lot of variations to play with.  

And don’t neglect your mind. I think of all the things I’ve learned over the years, the mind is the biggest thing people tend to leave out when it comes to orgasm.  But, if you leave it alone, it’s like a toddler – it will just wander off and get distracted.  So, you have to keep talking to it, keep it engaged, keep it responding and keep it interested.  

Also, if you haven’t already, I’d look into maybe getting some toys.  If you’re struggling to orgasm and you’re looking for external stimulation only, I’d probably look into something like the Lelo Sona Cruise, which is for direct clitoral stimulation, and if you like larger vibrations, then the Magic Wand, which can be overwhelming at first (consider putting a cloth between it and you to start), but also has a good track record.

Lastly, I’m not sure if you’re still on a lot of meds, but the pill can definitely decrease sex drive and pain medications can negatively impact your ability to feel pleasure and orgasm as well.  So, you may have to wait until you get off of them.  And if you’re still struggling in a bit, maybe look into bioidentical hormones to help with the loss of hormones from the hysterectomy. 

I hope that helps.

Now, if you have different thoughts than I did about the questions, please, leave them in the comments below the blog.  If you have a question of your own, feel free to submit it on our Have A Question page, and if you want to discuss the questions that come in on our forum, consider becoming a supporter – even $5/month helps us keep everything running.

Remember to fill out the survey and get your spouse, partner, or whoever you have to fill it out as well. We especially need more female voices—and don’t complain that women are underrepresented if you aren’t going to participate.

That’s it for today.