SWM 132 – Breast implants and body image issues
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I received this question way back in February and wanted to answer it in a separate post. Sadly, then I completely forgot about it until I was looking through my files and stumbled across it. So, today, I’m going to finally answer this question we have about breast implants, and hopefully, she’s still a listener.
Hi! To start, I just wanted to say thank you so much for what you do! Your podcast has been immensely eye-opening and helpful! Now, to my question.
I am in my 30s, and my husband and I have been together for 15 years. There was porn use by my husband that nearly tore us apart, but after therapy, support groups and endless prayer, I am so thankful to say we are stronger than ever, and he has been porn free for over a year now. It has made a profound difference in our sex life, we feel more connected than ever.
That being said, internally, I am still struggling with body image issues. It is not all-consuming but it’s enough to bring me to this point. I have been considering breast augmentation for years now but kept putting it on the back burner due to pregnancy and breastfeeding (we have 3 children). I thought I was completely over the idea and just decided to fully accept my body as is until the porn addiction reared its ugly head. As I said, we are past that, and he has made amazing changes for himself and us, but knowing what he watched and the women he chose to view online has made the idea of breast augmentation appealing again.
I am not happy with what 6 years of breastfeeding has left me with. My husband says he loves my body the way it is, but I know I would love it MORE if I got the breast augmentation, and undoubtedly, I know he would too, even if he won’t admit it so as not to hurt my feelings.
My question is, do you think seeking a breast augmentation for selfish reasons would be sinful? Would God find that to be an abomination of sorts, a sinful act based on my lack of love towards my body? I know I would feel so much more confident. I truly would. And that would enhance our sex life due to my confidence alone. So, would it be a bad thing to do? I have flip-flopped on this for months now. Some days, I am certain it’s a sinful thing to desire and do, and other days, I’m certain that it does not fall in the category of actual sin. An outside perspective would be so helpful, and I’d appreciate it immensely.
I know I need to love the body I have, and I do. It’s the slight pains of the past and the desire to feel confident that entices me. Knowing there are verses in the Bible directly telling the man to love his woman’s beautiful breasts makes my heart drop because mine are anything but beautiful. They are used, tired, and barely there after years of sacrificing my body for our children. So, would making them more appealing really be a bad thing? Or would it be no different than purchasing a new sex toy and having fun in the bedroom as husband and wife? Thank you for your time.
I posted this in our forum, and we had couples who had gotten breast implants and loved them and ones who said, “Never again!” So, even in our supporter group, there wasn’t a consensus. So, I don’t expect everyone to agree with me, whichever way I go.
But I’ll start off with what I see here.
The first is that this seems to be dealing with symptoms rather than root causes. As you said, you have body-image issues that are exacerbated by your husband’s past porn use. It sounds like you were even getting better until the porn issue came to the surface, and then that shattered what progress you had made.
And so, this idea of breast augmentation seems to be a way to avoid body image issues rather than deal with the root cause.
To me, that has a lot of the same feeling as divorcing because you want to be more independent. The issue isn’t the marriage – it’s their lack of desire to live a shared life. Now, sometimes people divorce and then grow up a bit by the next marriage or realize they never want to go through that again and are forced to grow up, but if they don’t, then I can almost guarantee there will be another divorce in the future.
In the same way, I worry that if you get this surgery without dealing with the root cause, you will just find something else to be unhappy about. What if you get the surgery and your husband has a relapse? Will you worry they’re not good enough? Will you then want larger ones?
And this brings up another issue – men don’t watch porn because their spouse isn’t attractive enough. His porn use has nothing to do with how you look. I know it can feel that way, and it can make you feel insecure, but changing your looks will not impact his porn use or disuse at all. Your looks are not responsible for it, and I worry that you may be thinking they might be.
I have never met a husband who said they watch porn because they’re unhappy with how their wife looks. I have met some who started watching porn and then saw their preferences shift, but again, that’s an issue that should be dealt with, not band-aided by matching their new preferences. They need healing, not to have their incorrect preferences matched.
As well, you seem to not believe your husband when he says he loves your body the way it is. I believe him because this is what I hear from men all the time, whether or not their wife is in the room. When they are confessing their deepest thoughts, feelings, hurts and everything else – this is not one that comes up very often at all. The rare times it does, it’s either due to the relationship itself that’s soured their opinion or a massive weight gain on the order of morbid obesity. Even then, it’s only some men who lose their attraction.
So, if you get the surgery and ask him if he likes how you look – why would you believe him then if you don’t believe him now?
For myself, I would like to see you work on those body image issues, work on believing your husband, and work on gaining confidence in the way you are. Then, if you still want to, give it another consideration, but not for these reasons.
Those are my thoughts, and I welcome any and all to share theirs in the comments below. I’d much rather we have a larger community weighing in on topics rather than just my voice. Ultimately, the decision is yours, and I think a wider range of experiences and perspectives can help you think it through more thoroughly.
I understand your question completely! I had the same thoughts & questions before I
had breast implants put in in 1990. I interviewed 3 physcians. Ihave absolutely loved them! I would do it again in a minute. Make sure you use a board certified plastic surgeon. I adore how I look now. The implants made me feel more like a women! I was a 36AA. My breast did not even make a bump in my shirt. It was very embarrassing for me. I wanted to look like a woman. My husband didn’t think I needed them, but, he has really enjoyed them. I have love watching him enjoy them. Go do something you want to do for yourself!! Feel free to email me, I will listen
If you sit down in front of a surgeon and hear the risks of an operation that must be performed like heart or lung or brain surgery, they will list the massive high risks associated. You won’t come away from it feeling carefree and great about the decision to have the surgery. It’s always risky and death can ultimately be one result. Breast surgery is nothing to take casually. It’s serious and risky surgery. More so as it’s usually performed by less than qualified surgeons in less than optimal and sterilised clinics. Sometimes they are downright butcheries. It simply is not worth the unnecessary risk to get a sugar high of nice looking breasts. I agree with Jay to look deeper into the issues of why you may want it. Personally my wife’s breast have also been reduced and affected by breast feeding. At 47, she’s never looked sexier than when she wears some beautiful lingerie that might push her breast up. It’s great foreplay. But that’s all it is for this husband. I don’t ever need her to look 20 years old in the breast department.
I was going to completely agree with what was stated about how his addiction has nothing to do with you! It’s an addiction and for most men it starts because they have some sort of emotion they can’t process on their own and they seek it out to numb that emotion instead of dealing with it (like many other addictions, be it alcohol or drugs). It gives a chemical release in their brains that they seek. I could essentially be the woman that wrote this. Married for almost 13 years, 3 kids, lots of breastfeeding, my breasts have always been small, body image issues due to it and knowing my husband is a “boob guy”. I also discovered my husband’s porn usage in our marriage around 7 years ago. There’s a great podcast with lots of info I have found helpful these years later called Hope for Wives podcast. It’s Christian based and just so helpful in the what and why of things to help us process the betrayal. I knew my husband had this addiction before we married, but I didn’t know it was an addiction. I thought it was just sin he committed and was done with. That’s a huge part of how my ignorance made me not vigilant in being on the lookout for a relapse. Learning has also made me insistent on my husband doing some sort of recovery work at all times to try to help keep a relapse from happening in the future. But relapses are real. And my husband has to rewire his brain. It’s HIS work that he needs to do. Not mine. My body is what it is. I’ve chosen to try to be healthy (because sickness from breast augmentation is real!) and take care of myself and let my husband take care of how he views me. At the end of the day, I had small breasts when we married, and he chose me then. If he seriously had issue with them, he should not have married me! This is what I remind myself of. That I am enough, and if he were to ever think I’m not anymore, that is not on me (at least in that department if I’m trying to work towards health). Though it’s been a year, this is still technically fresh. I’m 7 years into discovery, and I still have had things to learn. Be patient with yourself and your husband. Learn more about what this all is and how it’s impacted your husband’s brain, and release yourself from feeling any sort of duty in that sense. I believe the wrestling back and forth is something to pay heed to and not ignore. The Lord can give us wariness for a reason.