It’s a new month, and that means more anonymous questions. For new readers and listeners, we have an anonymous Have A Question page where you can ask all the questions you want to know the answers to but are too embarrassed to ask. Once a month, I gather up the questions and answer them in a blog post and podcast episode. These are the six I received in April of 2024.
Before we get to that, this is just a last reminder that we’re running a cohort of our Becoming More Sexually Engaged course this spring. The cut-off was officially yesterday, but if you still want to jump in, you have until this Monday – the 6th of May 2024, to join. We won’t wait for you, but you can easily catch up. We’ve got eight wives who have already signed up and are excited to start.
With that out of the way, let’s answer some questions.
Question 1 – Can Christians be swingers?
We are a senior couple married for 54 years who would like to add some spice to our love life. We have talked about meeting other couples for friendship and fun. We are both Christian and have fantasies about what this would be like.
Well, you don’t come right out and say it, but it sounds like you’re trying to get me to help you justify becoming swingers.
I’m not going to do that. I mean, I can’t do that and stay faithful to the Bible.
Hebrews 13:4 says that God will judge the adulterer and the sexually immoral. If you have sex with anyone other than your spouse, you are committing adultery – even if you have your spouse’s permission, you do not have God’s.
1 Corinthians 7:2-3 says that each should have their own spouse and have sex with them alone – anything else is sexual immorality.
Matthew 5:27-28 tells us that lusting after anyone other than your spouse is already committing adultery with them – having sex with them is committing adultery.
Having sex with people other than your spouse is well outside of what God commands of us as Christians, and I think anyone who tells you otherwise is a wolf in sheep’s clothing and has to do some terrible twisting of scripture to justify it.
Sadly, that should be expected because 2 Timothy 4:3-4 tells us that “the time will come when people will not put up with sound doctrine. Instead, to suit their own desires, they will gather around them a great number of teachers to say what their itching ears want to hear. They will turn their ears away from the truth and turn aside to myths.”
Don’t believe the myth that Christians can be swingers – or that even entertaining the idea isn’t already a step into sin.
Question 2 – Chastity devices
I feel like this is an odd fantasy, and I’m unsure if it’s sinful, but I purchased a plastic chastity device online and want my wife to keep me locked in it. I asked her to keep me “locked” for short periods (a couple of hours to a day). She doesn’t seem to fully understand why I want this but has played along. I like it because it makes me feel submissive, and I want her to feel more dominant and in control. I put the key to the lock on a necklace and gave it to her to wear, but she seldom does. I have two questions. The first is whether this fantasy/desire is wrong to pursue with my wife. My second question is, is it okay for me to ask my wife to tease me about being locked in chastity and roleplay with me?
This question brings to mind 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 which talks about not giving up sex except by mutual consent, except that this doesn’t seem to be mutual consent.
You’re asking her to deny you sex, but she doesn’t seem interested in doing so.
If I had to guess, it would be that you’re the higher-drive spouse, and she’s the lower one. I also suppose that you will likely have some conflict around that. And rather than deal with the conflict directly, you’re attempting to twist the conflict into a kink – except she’s not interested in playing that game.
And maybe that’s because she knows that it’s not the right thing to do – maybe there’s another issue that needs to be dealt with rather than sweeping it under the rug that you’re either both, or one of you, is avoiding talking about.
Maybe not. Either way, you can ask her to tease you in this way. but, I’m going to guess that you’re going to be stuck at the same impasse – you’re going to want to engage in some sexual activity (even if that sexual activity is chastity). She won’t be very interested in indulging you, bringing you back to square one.
Instead, I’d suggest getting out of the submissive role and instead working to resolve the issues rather than trying to find a way to turn them into a kink.
Also, it sounds like you want her to tease you about it, which sounds like you want her to degrade or humiliate you in some way, which I don’t think is aligned with Christian morals of godly living. We are to always encourage and uplift.
I’m seeing an increasing trend of behaviours like this, where men are becoming more and more submissive, accepting, and even asking for degradation and humiliation. I think this is because the world has been downplaying the role of men in society as well as in families and marriages for so long that some are just giving up and accepting it.
I don’t think that’s a healthy thing to do. That’s my take on it anyway.
Question 3 – Sex and orgasm headaches
Hey, quick question: after listening to multiple podcasts, my wife and I started using a vibrator … it was so awesome that you came up with the new problem. Her orgasm is so strong that it often results in a splitting headache! We love the fact that sex can be this good, but the side effects aren’t fun! We have read up on the medical side of it, and it must not be too uncommon. I’m wondering if it’s more common than we think.
We have not taken this to a doctor.
Yeah, orgasm headaches can happen, and they’re more likely to happen the older you get. The average age for getting them is 39. Also, the more intense the orgasm is, the higher the chance of getting a headache from it.
1-1.6% of the population get these regularly, and there are meds you can take to reduce the headaches.
However, if you’re wife is only getting them when using a vibrator, I would suggest maybe modifying how you use it. Rather than going full-on with it and sort of shoving her off the edge of orgasm, instead vary the pressure and use so that she makes a more gentle climb towards orgasm. You may find that helps reduce the chance or severity of the headache.
Now, there’s also a difference between orgasm headaches and sex headaches. Orgasm headaches are related to changes in blood pressure, whereas sex headaches tend to result from muscle tension.
If she only gets the headache after orgasm – it’s probably an orgasm headache and related to blood pressure. If the headache starts before orgasm, then it’s likely muscle tension-related.
Either way, I’d suggest the same thing – slow down and don’t push so hard for an intense feeling.
Question 4 – The wife only wants one oral sex position, which he hates
Hello Jay, thank you for this wonderful resource. The question is of a delicate nature. My wife and I have been married for a few years. Sex was very vanilla, and we introduced new things only very slowly. Recently, my wife wanted to try oral sex (her receiving) and has found herself greatly enjoying it. She actually really likes it, and I am very happy for her. However, she absolutely insists on being on all fours and me being behind her when I perform oral sex on her. I have even suggested that maybe she sits down and I can kneel next to the bed, or she just lays down, but, no, she insists on getting it that way and says she feels a lot more comfortable turning away. As I said, I like that she is getting pleasure, and I love that she is being more adventurous. But I hate that position. My nose is right in her anus, and it is not only off-putting to me, but I can smell her butt sometimes too. I think no matter how clean you are, butts do smell. I love my wife and don’t want to offend her. Please help. Thank you!
I don’t know how you get past this without an uncomfortable conversation. I mean, obviously, be gentle and nice about it, don’t jump in with, “I hate that position because my nose is in your smelly butt.” However, no matter how gentle you are, there’s a chance she’s going to react poorly and oral sex will be off the table for a while, perhaps forever.
Now, a simple solution to the problem is to shower before sex – you can do it as part of foreplay and get each other all soaped up.
Another thing you could try is to use a flavoured lube, which might help mask the smell. I suggest System Jo as their lubes smell even better than they taste.
Lastly, I want to point out that many husbands likely read or hear this question and either say that they’d love to be in that position or that they’ve never noticed a smell. I can’t say I’ve ever noticed a smell, but then we often shower before engaging in activities like that. I just don’t want a bunch of wives hearing this and thinking, “Oh no, does my husband think the same way?” and getting all self-conscious.
This is another reason why communication and being able to talk about uncomfortable things is important. If you have good, open communication, then you can talk about issues like this. You can also be sure that if you haven’t talked about it, then it likely isn’t a problem.
But suppose you are afraid to talk about sex and uncomfortable topics. In that case, you’re going to both suffer with more uncomfortable situations instead of dealing with them, as well as have more anxiety about the things you haven’t talked about because you don’t know if it’s an issue or not.
Anyway, the point is—talk to your spouse if there’s a problem or if you’re worried there’s a problem. Don’t keep it bottled up, causing resentment, frustration, anxiety, and worry. And, of course, there’s always the risk it might go badly, but I think the risk is worth it.
Question 5 – Worried about stamina
Hello,
I am a 27-year-old man who is getting married soon and of course, I am over the moon. I should add despite a history of masturbation, I have never had partnered sex. I would like to know about how male stamina develops and how it improves. By stamina, I mean the ability to enjoy penile stimulation from vaginal penetration or other means without having to take pause or ejaculate. I don’t think I have a particular reason to be concerned for myself, but I want to be able to make penetration enjoyable for my bride in addition to other means, such as oral. I must confess I have been masturbating and edging since I was a young teen, but I know this will not directly translate to performance in sex. If I am not satisfied with my endurance, will it improve with practice; are there techniques to improve it?
Alright, just back up a minute.
First off, most women don’t orgasm from penetration. The chance that a potential inability to hold off orgasm is going to be the thing that causes her not to have an orgasm is pretty slim. It’s probably a good idea to recognize that sex is about way more than penis in vagina penetration because if you’re relying on only that – she’s likely to be a little disappointed and frustrated.
Second, just enjoy sex at first. For all you know, from years of masturbation and edging, you may have the opposite problem – not being able to orgasm at all or suffering from delayed ejaculation, which can be just as much of a problem as premature ejaculation.
Either way, yes, sex tends to get better with practice. That can happen in a variety of ways. It may be improvements in stamina, or it may be simply finding different ways to move (grinding is better than thrusting for many women), or it may be realizing that intercourse is not always the main event.
If everything you’ve learned about sex is from porn, the best thing to do is forget everything you know.
You’ll figure it out, but wait until you have an actual problem rather than just a fear of what might be a problem to start looking for solutions. Otherwise, you’re just going to give yourself a complex and potentially create a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Question 6 – Trying to spice things up
My husband and I have been trying to slowly spice up our sex life. We’ve been doing the same routine and positions for quite a while now. Those are tried and true, but my husband has mentioned that we “just do the same things and never try anything new.” However, we are both pretty reserved and shy about sex. We are really unsure of what we want to try. So, I would like to start slowly introducing new things to test the waters. We both enjoy giving/receiving oral sex, and I had imagined us using whipped cream during oral. Is it a bad idea to try whipped cream or chocolate syrup during oral to spice it up? Maybe that is an unsanitary cliche? Or maybe there are some other products to try this with. Any help is appreciated! We don’t watch porn and have been together since high school, so our imaginations are pretty vanilla. We don’t have a lot of knowledge of what there is to try. Your podcast has really helped broaden our ideas/horizons. I’ve been able to break free from some of my negative views on sex from listening to your theology behind sex. I still have a way to break free from embarrassment or shame, but I appreciate the encouragement you provide through your ministry. Thanks for your help!
Alright, so right off the bat, sugar and female genitals don’t go together well. There’s a decent chance you’ll end up with a yeast infection. Maybe not, but it can happen. If you want to put whipping cream or chocolate sauce on him and lick it all off, and I mean all, before moving towards penetration – go for it, but for you, I’d go with your chest instead of your vulva.
As for trying out new things – I just happen to have a massive list of things you can talk about and try called Our Sexploration List, and we have a smaller free sample version if you want to dip your toes in. You’re not alone in not knowing what you can do and not wanting to look at porn to find out. Porn is, after all, a terrible teacher of what actual sex is like.
Those are the questions from last month. If you have a question, you can ask it on our Have A Question page. A big thanks goes to our supporters who joined the discussions. If you want to be a part of that conversation, consider donating. Even as little as $5/month helps us pay for our ever-increasing hosting costs and gets you access to the forum, monthly Zoom calls, and our online version of Our Sexploration List.
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6 thoughts on“SWM 129 – AQ – Swingers, chastity devices, sex headaches, uncomfortable conversations, flavoured lubes and more”
Tom Livingston says:
Jay, you say swinging is immoral. The Bible never directly addresses the subject of swinging, so how do you know, when the Bible says some forms of sex are immoral and other forms are not, that swinging is immoral? How do you prove that the only biblical form of sex is that which is experienced in the context of marriage? Do you not principally make this determination by what should be considered “an argument based on silence “? In other words, to you, because the Bible only appears to discuss valid sexuality in the context of marriage, you conclude that is the only legitimate context for sex. That is an argument from silence. The Bible never discusses driving a car, but we don’t conclude that driving a car is wrong. The Bible doesn’t say wearing green slacks is wrong, but we don’t thereby conclude wearing green slacks is wrong. Studying ancient Semitic culture, we know that ancient Jews often purchased very young female brides; what we would consider to be little girls, and they began having sex with them at an age that we would consider to be having sex with a little girl. Is it okay for me, if I live in a country that allows me to marry a little girl, to begin having sex with her while she is still a little girl? In other words my question is if you determine that certain things are considered immoral, when the Bible doesn’t directly say something is immoral, how do you know that you haven’t assigned the concept of immorality to some form of sex that God himself wouldn’t necessarily consider sinful. Another example… You go off to war, and conquer a village. You see a number of very pretty young women. You kill their husbands, and you capture them. You take them home, and you begin to have sex with them. That is not considered immoral in ancient biblical culture. Yet, I assume you would consider that immoral in our modern context. Why? Are you not assigning, arbitrarily, a sinfulness to that which feels to you like should be sinful, from God’s perspective, rather than letting God speak for himself directly? You will likely say that you determine such matters by inference, in other words, you take the known and inferentially determine from the known that something is immoral, and arbitrarily assume certain unknown or biblically undefined sexual behaviors are wrong. How do you know, with absolute certainty, that God agrees with you? Do you not feel a measure of discomfort in speaking where God is silent?
It’s very easy to say the Bible is silent on a topic when you ignore all the verses on the topic. I already listed some of them in the post, which you simply sidestepped and then claimed didn’t exist. I’m not speaking where God is silent – I’m relaying His Words.
I think the Matthew 5 verses are quite clear, and I’m curious how you interpret that passage if you actually have to address it.
If you cannot even look at a woman with longing or desire who is not your spouse without it being adultery, how do you propose to have sex with them and not be adultery?
As for the rest, just because it happened, doesn’t mean God is okay with it – to claim it is is to commit the same fallacy you falsely accused me of – making an argument from silence.
And yes, I would consider that immoral, and the example is David and Bathsheba – it is not okay to kill another man because you covet his wife. I don’t think you can find a Bible verse that says it’s okay to murder a man because you covet his wife.
Luke says:
Questioner 4, it sounds unusual that a conservative plain vanilla type wife would suddenly be up for oral sex receiving on all fours with husband from behind. That’s a pretty wild position, from nothing. In whatever conversations you have, it would be good for you to find out where it’s come from. Porn, reading or a previous partner perhaps? And you don’t say in the question but it’s even more unusual if you’re just giving oral to your wife and it’s not part of a bigger shared experience. Does she allow you to enter her from behind with intercourse? Do you transition from this position you find uncomfortable into 69, which is the same position for her (you’re just underneath now and receiving oral at the same time?) If the answers no to these kind of questions, there’s probably deeper issues to unpack
Allan says:
Thank you Luke. I must confess, I am the original person to wrote in about Q4. I really did not think it was that wild when I first thought of it. She said she just felt more comfortable that way. Have no idea where and how she came up with that position. Do you think it is a concern? Yes, typically I have given her oral sex before we made love normally. No, my wife and I have only really done missionary sex and recently in our experimental phase, also woman on top. I have never done it from behind. I have never done a 69 position before, should we be? That seems a bit much. Happy for any advice.
Luke says:
From your answer here, no – I don’t think it’s a big concern at all. Other than for you and it not being your favourite position.
if your wife performs oral sex on you too, then it’s definitely something to work towards some sort of 69 which is quite fun and intimate for husband and wife.
if she doesn’t do that, then it’s something to talk about if you can as it’s not really the fairest thing in the world if only one gives and the other receives.
if your wife really loves the all fours position for oral, perhaps suggest you slide in under her for what would become a 69 position. Ask her if she’d mind if you tried that as it’s more comfortable for you. You might be naked, showered and trimmed or shaved very neatly when you do this. And things might develop into 69. Maybe, maybe not. Either way, it’s a far more comfortable position for you as the giver to be on your back and providing oral. The way you’ve described it originally must be painful on your neck after a short time. That alone is reason to request a change, the smell issue aside. This position also gives your wife a lot of control of how much pressure she applies to your mouth. And she can transition to sitting more upright on your face which she may enjoy as well.
All the best.
Doug says:
Questioner 4, I am with Jay on “shower before sex” being a must. Clean, fresh-smelling sex is the best! I also wonder if your wife might be enjoying this position so much exactly BECAUSE your nose is where it is providing some anal stimulation. I say embrace the opportunity of everything being laid bare right there before you! Make it a turn-on instead of a turn-off.
Using the flavored lube, coconut oil, or other body-safe flavored/scented massage oil, rub it on her anus and vagina. This also works well during a massage, by the way. After some warm-up with oral sex on her vagina which you are already doing and she enjoys, take it up a notch and using your tongue, stimulate above, below, and all around her anus and perineum while still stimulating her clitoris with your fingers or a vibrator.
Maybe this is not for you, but my wife certainly enjoys it immensely when on all fours as you describe. I love it because she gets so much pleasure from it. And hey, I’m right there anyway…
Obviously, communicate and make sure she is ok with this, but also remember that sometimes a little surprise can also be extremely exciting during sex. Here’s to a fun adventure in the bedroom!
Jay, you say swinging is immoral. The Bible never directly addresses the subject of swinging, so how do you know, when the Bible says some forms of sex are immoral and other forms are not, that swinging is immoral? How do you prove that the only biblical form of sex is that which is experienced in the context of marriage? Do you not principally make this determination by what should be considered “an argument based on silence “? In other words, to you, because the Bible only appears to discuss valid sexuality in the context of marriage, you conclude that is the only legitimate context for sex. That is an argument from silence. The Bible never discusses driving a car, but we don’t conclude that driving a car is wrong. The Bible doesn’t say wearing green slacks is wrong, but we don’t thereby conclude wearing green slacks is wrong. Studying ancient Semitic culture, we know that ancient Jews often purchased very young female brides; what we would consider to be little girls, and they began having sex with them at an age that we would consider to be having sex with a little girl. Is it okay for me, if I live in a country that allows me to marry a little girl, to begin having sex with her while she is still a little girl? In other words my question is if you determine that certain things are considered immoral, when the Bible doesn’t directly say something is immoral, how do you know that you haven’t assigned the concept of immorality to some form of sex that God himself wouldn’t necessarily consider sinful. Another example… You go off to war, and conquer a village. You see a number of very pretty young women. You kill their husbands, and you capture them. You take them home, and you begin to have sex with them. That is not considered immoral in ancient biblical culture. Yet, I assume you would consider that immoral in our modern context. Why? Are you not assigning, arbitrarily, a sinfulness to that which feels to you like should be sinful, from God’s perspective, rather than letting God speak for himself directly? You will likely say that you determine such matters by inference, in other words, you take the known and inferentially determine from the known that something is immoral, and arbitrarily assume certain unknown or biblically undefined sexual behaviors are wrong. How do you know, with absolute certainty, that God agrees with you? Do you not feel a measure of discomfort in speaking where God is silent?
It’s very easy to say the Bible is silent on a topic when you ignore all the verses on the topic. I already listed some of them in the post, which you simply sidestepped and then claimed didn’t exist. I’m not speaking where God is silent – I’m relaying His Words.
I think the Matthew 5 verses are quite clear, and I’m curious how you interpret that passage if you actually have to address it.
If you cannot even look at a woman with longing or desire who is not your spouse without it being adultery, how do you propose to have sex with them and not be adultery?
As for the rest, just because it happened, doesn’t mean God is okay with it – to claim it is is to commit the same fallacy you falsely accused me of – making an argument from silence.
And yes, I would consider that immoral, and the example is David and Bathsheba – it is not okay to kill another man because you covet his wife. I don’t think you can find a Bible verse that says it’s okay to murder a man because you covet his wife.
Questioner 4, it sounds unusual that a conservative plain vanilla type wife would suddenly be up for oral sex receiving on all fours with husband from behind. That’s a pretty wild position, from nothing. In whatever conversations you have, it would be good for you to find out where it’s come from. Porn, reading or a previous partner perhaps? And you don’t say in the question but it’s even more unusual if you’re just giving oral to your wife and it’s not part of a bigger shared experience. Does she allow you to enter her from behind with intercourse? Do you transition from this position you find uncomfortable into 69, which is the same position for her (you’re just underneath now and receiving oral at the same time?) If the answers no to these kind of questions, there’s probably deeper issues to unpack
Thank you Luke. I must confess, I am the original person to wrote in about Q4. I really did not think it was that wild when I first thought of it. She said she just felt more comfortable that way. Have no idea where and how she came up with that position. Do you think it is a concern? Yes, typically I have given her oral sex before we made love normally. No, my wife and I have only really done missionary sex and recently in our experimental phase, also woman on top. I have never done it from behind. I have never done a 69 position before, should we be? That seems a bit much. Happy for any advice.
From your answer here, no – I don’t think it’s a big concern at all. Other than for you and it not being your favourite position.
if your wife performs oral sex on you too, then it’s definitely something to work towards some sort of 69 which is quite fun and intimate for husband and wife.
if she doesn’t do that, then it’s something to talk about if you can as it’s not really the fairest thing in the world if only one gives and the other receives.
if your wife really loves the all fours position for oral, perhaps suggest you slide in under her for what would become a 69 position. Ask her if she’d mind if you tried that as it’s more comfortable for you. You might be naked, showered and trimmed or shaved very neatly when you do this. And things might develop into 69. Maybe, maybe not. Either way, it’s a far more comfortable position for you as the giver to be on your back and providing oral. The way you’ve described it originally must be painful on your neck after a short time. That alone is reason to request a change, the smell issue aside. This position also gives your wife a lot of control of how much pressure she applies to your mouth. And she can transition to sitting more upright on your face which she may enjoy as well.
All the best.
Questioner 4, I am with Jay on “shower before sex” being a must. Clean, fresh-smelling sex is the best! I also wonder if your wife might be enjoying this position so much exactly BECAUSE your nose is where it is providing some anal stimulation. I say embrace the opportunity of everything being laid bare right there before you! Make it a turn-on instead of a turn-off.
Using the flavored lube, coconut oil, or other body-safe flavored/scented massage oil, rub it on her anus and vagina. This also works well during a massage, by the way. After some warm-up with oral sex on her vagina which you are already doing and she enjoys, take it up a notch and using your tongue, stimulate above, below, and all around her anus and perineum while still stimulating her clitoris with your fingers or a vibrator.
Maybe this is not for you, but my wife certainly enjoys it immensely when on all fours as you describe. I love it because she gets so much pleasure from it. And hey, I’m right there anyway…
Obviously, communicate and make sure she is ok with this, but also remember that sometimes a little surprise can also be extremely exciting during sex. Here’s to a fun adventure in the bedroom!