SWM 122 – How to make your spouse more attractive to you

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If you look online, you can find tons of videos, articles, podcasts, products and more about how to make yourself more attractive to your spouse or potential partners. I mean, it’s everywhere. You can also find resources to help you make your spouse more attractive by changing them. What you don’t see much of, though, are resources to help you change your mindset to make them seem more attractive to you without changing them.

We all know the phrase “beauty is in the eye of the beholder,” but rarely, if ever, is it used to recognize that you, as the beholder, can change what you’re attracted to.

But I do get emails from people asking how to do this.  

Some are from spouses who want to stop looking at other people – they want to be so captivated by their husband or wife that they don’t even see the others.  

Some are from husbands and wives who have lost the attraction over time. It could be because their spouse (and them) are aging and struggling with that. Or it could be because something in the relationship broke the initial attraction, and they’re struggling to recreate it. Those aren’t the only two reasons, but they are the most common I see.

This lack of attraction can be problematic because it impacts many things. It changes how you look at them, your desire to be physical with them, and even how you relate to them.

So, today, we’re going to talk about this wonderful thing called neuroplasticity and how you can use it to make your spouse more attractive to you.

Understanding Neuroplasticity and Attraction

Neuroplasticity is the brain’s ability to reorganize itself by forming new connections between neurons. It makes our brain very adaptable, allowing us to learn new skills, adapt to changes, recover from injuries and more.

For example, when we learn something new, like playing a musical instrument, our brain changes, supporting this skill by creating and strengthening connections between the appropriate neurons.

This neuroplasticity also influences our emotions and behaviours. For example, if something traumatic happens to you on a bus, your brain will make connections between neurons to keep you away from buses because it considers them unsafe.

On the other hand, if you experience something that brings you joy and happiness, your brain again will create connections to link those neural connections in a way that makes you want to experience them more.

But you can also do this intentionally. Through mindful intentionality, we can encourage those connections to grow through the same mechanisms.

Sometimes, that intentionality is paradoxically unintentional. I have talked to husbands and wives who have spent years running negative narratives about their spouses. Some verbalize it, others keep it themselves, but what they have in common is that they slowly, over time, start losing both respect and attraction towards their partner.

Years, sometimes decades, of self-programming have taught their brain to see their spouse as a lousy partner and, thus, an unattractive one. It’s usually not as apparent as them thinking, “Ugh, they’re ugly,” but it’s more subtle. They become more dismissive in their conversations with them. They’re more likely to show contempt. Their sex drive decreases with them. They’re less interested in doing things together. They feel motivated to be away from home or wherever their spouse is.

This is the ugly side of neuroplasticity – we can train ourselves to treat our spouses terribly, slowly and subtly, over time.

Cultivating Attraction Toward Your Spouse:

Thankfully, it’s reversible because the opposite is also true – you can train yourself to see your spouse in a better light and be more attracted to them. Just as negative thinking patterns and behaviour can weaken attraction towards your spouse, positive changes can strengthen and reignite that attraction.

So, here are some ways you can use neuroplasticity to increase your attraction towards your spouse.

Practice gratitude and appreciation for your spouse’s qualities and actions

One effective strategy is to practice mindfulness and deliberate appreciation for your spouse’s attributes. Find something you find attractive about your spouse and focus on that. They may have nice shoulders, elbows, or knees. Don’t focus on the parts you may not be as attracted to now. Focus on the ones that are, and compliment those. Notice them, compliment them, touch them. Focus on them and let your brain be attracted to a part of your spouse. Not in a way that objectifies that part, but in a way that enables you to recognize that there is some part of your spouse that you still find attractive.

Similarly, find parts of their personality that you find attractive. If you need help, try to remember what first attracted you to them. Maybe it was their sense of humour or their even-keeled approach to life. Maybe it was their wit or their insightfulness. Perhaps they are kind and compassionate, or just passionate and impulsive. Whatever it is, find and focus on that and look for opportunities to notice those qualities, smile at them and compliment them on it.

Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice with the wife of your youth. As a loving deer and a graceful doe, let her breasts satisfy you at all times; and always be enraptured with her love.

Proverbs 15:18-19

Through this daily practice of mindful appreciation, you will gradually notice a shift in your perception of your spouse. You’ll feel more deeply connected and appreciative of the unique qualities that initially drew you to them.  You can stay in that state of being satisfied with them and even enraptured by them.

Even better is if you both do this together. As you continue to nurture these positive thoughts and expressions of gratitude, you will find that your bond grows stronger and your feelings of attraction towards each other deepen.

By regularly engaging in this intentional practice of acknowledging and expressing appreciation for your partner’s attributes, you harness the power of neuroplasticity to reinforce your feelings of attraction and admiration. You cultivate a deeper sense of connection and intimacy through small, consistent actions, laying the foundation for a lasting and fulfilling relationship.

Engaging in activities together that foster emotional connection and intimacy

Engaging in activities together that foster emotional connection and intimacy is another strategy for leveraging neuroplasticity to enhance attraction within your relationship. Recognizing the importance of shared experiences in strengthening your bond, you both commit to prioritizing quality time together.

You could establish a weekly tradition of cooking dinner together, collaborating on preparing a new recipe while sharing stories about your day. Through this shared activity, you not only create delicious meals but also deepen your emotional connection by engaging in meaningful conversations and enjoying each other’s company. As you laugh, talk, and work side by side in the kitchen, you strengthen the neural pathways associated with positive emotions and bonding.

You and your spouse could explore activities that allow you to reconnect on a deeper level. You could sign up for a couples’ dance class, where you learn new steps and movements while navigating the dance floor together. Through the physical closeness and coordinated movements of dancing, you experience a heightened sense of connection and intimacy, further reinforcing your bond.

A big part of the attraction is simply proximity and familiarity, and by spending more time together engaging in fun activities that let you get to know each other better, you can create this attraction.

Furthermore, you make time for shared adventures and experiences that ignite your sense of excitement and adventure. Whether going on weekend hikes in nature, exploring new destinations, or participating in local cultural events, these shared adventures provide opportunities for creating lasting memories and activating reward pathways associated with novelty and exploration through the release of dopamine. By intentionally engaging in activities that foster emotional connection and intimacy, you and your spouse tap into the transformative power of neuroplasticity to deepen your bond and reignite your attraction for each other. Through shared experiences, meaningful conversations, and adventurous pursuits, you cultivate a relationship rich in connection, intimacy, and mutual admiration.

Communicating openly and honestly about desires, fantasies, and insecurities

Communicating openly and honestly about desires, fantasies, and insecurities is essential for nurturing attraction within your relationship. Picture yourself and your spouse, committed to fostering trust and intimacy through candid dialogue. Recognizing the importance of vulnerability in deepening your connection, you both make a concerted effort to create a safe space for sharing your innermost thoughts and feelings.

You initiate conversations where you express your desires and fantasies, inviting your spouse to do the same. You may share a fantasy you’ve been curious about exploring together or openly discuss your intimate desires and preferences. By bravely opening up about these aspects of yourselves, you not only strengthen your emotional bond but also foster a deeper understanding of each other’s needs and desires.

Moreover, you create opportunities for discussing insecurities and vulnerabilities in a supportive and non-judgmental environment. You encourage each other to share your fears, doubts, and insecurities, knowing that honest communication is the foundation of trust and intimacy. Through these heartfelt conversations, you offer each other reassurance, validation, and support, strengthening your connection and deepening your emotional intimacy.

Furthermore, you embrace the idea of continuous growth and exploration within your relationship. You understand that desires and fantasies may evolve over time, and you remain open to exploring new avenues together. By maintaining open lines of communication and a willingness to listen and understand each other’s perspectives, you create a dynamic and fulfilling partnership grounded in mutual respect and acceptance.

Vulnerability creates intimacy through trust, so sharing these deep, vulnerable and intimate details of your thoughts and feelings helps increase that intimacy, which will, in turn, increase attraction. This is why we build resources to help you have these conversations, like our free 37 Questions to ask each other about sex and Our Sexploration List (we now have a free sample version).

In summary, by communicating openly and honestly about desires, fantasies, and insecurities, you and your spouse foster a deeper level of connection and intimacy. Through brave and vulnerable conversations, you strengthen your emotional bond, enhance your understanding of each other’s needs, and cultivate a relationship characterized by trust, authenticity, and mutual support.

Making time for physical touch and affection

Making time for physical touch and affection is vital to nurturing attraction within your relationship. Envision yourself and your spouse, committed to fostering intimacy and closeness through meaningful touch. Recognizing the power of physical connection to strengthen emotional bonds, you both prioritize moments of affection in your daily lives.

You intentionally carve out time for physical intimacy, whether it’s through tender gestures like holding hands, cuddling on the couch, or sharing loving embraces. These moments of closeness release feel-good hormones like oxytocin, deepen your emotional connection, and reinforce feelings of attraction toward each other.

Moreover, you explore different ways to incorporate physical touch into your daily routine. You may make it a habit to greet each other with a warm hug or a gentle kiss before parting ways in the morning. Throughout the day, you find opportunities to express affection through small gestures like a reassuring touch on the shoulder or a loving caress on the cheek.

Additionally, you prioritize intimacy in your romantic encounters, setting aside dedicated time for passionate and sensual experiences. Whether it’s a spontaneous date night or a quiet evening at home, you create a space where you can fully immerse yourselves in each other’s presence and explore the depths of your physical connection.

Furthermore, you remain attuned to each other’s needs and preferences, ensuring that physical touch is always mutually enjoyable. You communicate openly about your desires and boundaries, fostering trust and respect within your relationship.

In summary, you and your spouse cultivate a more profound sense of intimacy and connection by making time for physical touch and affection. You strengthen your bond through tender gestures, loving embraces, and passionate encounters and reignite the flame of attraction within your relationship. By prioritizing physical intimacy as a cornerstone of your partnership, you create a foundation of love, trust, and mutual fulfillment.

Stop the negative cycle

But to gain traction, you must stop the negative influences. Whatever you do to build up a negative version of this, cut it out of your life. Whether that’s talking bad about your spouse (be it to others, to your spouse, or to yourself), looking at Instagram models, porn, reading erotica, watching romantic comedies, or anything else that makes you compare your spouse to some other standard, get that stuff out of your life so that you can make some real progress; otherwise, it’s like one person bailing water out of the canoe, while another is dumping water back in.  

Whenever you find yourself comparing your spouse to someone else or being attracted to a part of someone else (be it a physical part or a part of their personality), instead redirect your thoughts towards something you appreciate or enjoy about your spouse.

You can rewire your brain

Ultimately, God has given us the incredible ability to rewire our brains and let them grow in the direction we want. We can use that superpower for bad or good, so if you find yourself becoming less attracted to your spouse, look at your own behaviours, actions and thoughts and see what might be contributing to that. Alter them so that you aren’t unintentionally creating those new neuropathways leading away from attraction, and instead cultivate thoughts and behaviours that grow your brain towards attraction for your spouse.

And it’s not a one-time thing – this growing together should be a continuous process that we do for each other. Beauty really is in the eye of the beholder, and you can look at your spouse, 10, 20, 40, even 60 years later and say, “They’re more beautiful than ever,” and mean it.