SWM 107 – Wife wants too much sex, repeat unproductive fights, boundaries during dating and sexy underwear for men

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Last week I asked on social media what people would like to see released next, and the topic that got the most votes was to tackle the next month of questions from our anonymous Have A Question page.  So, here we are again, and we’re going to jump right into them because while I’ve been working on some exciting things, I’m not quite ready to announce them yet.  So, you’ll just have to be patient.

For now, here are the five questions from May of 2023.

Question 1 – Wife wants too much sex

Hi Jay,

I have a high-drive wife. I am almost 62, and she is almost 55. She is in menopause, but instead of losing her sex drive, she has gone into overdrive. She tracks how much sex we have, and so far, in 2023, we had sex 93 times from January 1 to April 30. Sometimes it’s 2 or 3 times a day. I do not take Viagra or Cialis, but on occasion, if I know that we are going to be together, I do take some horny goat weed and citrulline for an added boost. We have a great sex life, very varied and with little to no inhibitions or limits. There isn’t much we don’t do within the Christian guidelines you have outlined.

My problem is a happy problem, I know. Guys would kill to be in my shoes. My problem is I am getting SO much sex that I am losing interest in it at times. How can I keep the spark there and keep things fresh? I have tried to tell her we need to take a break, but she feels slighted or that I am losing interest in her and don’t find her sexy anymore. I have tried reasoning with her but to no avail. Thanks. Appreciate your input.

Brian

Hey Brian.

So, we had a few ideas. The first is that you can have times that are just for her. Don’t focus on your pleasure or orgasm; ensure she enjoys it and orgasms if she wishes. That might be sex where you hold off or just be present, holding her, talking to her, touching her while she masturbates, or performing manual or oral sex with nothing reciprocated. This tactic will reduce your energy use and refractory periods and help keep interest higher.

Second, if her increased drive is due to synthetic hormones (HRT and the like), maybe look into dialling them down a bit.

And lastly, retry that conversation – make it clear that it’s not about her; it’s that you’re 62, and you don’t have the energy of a 30-year-old. That’s a perfectly reasonable thing to say and not an unreasonable obstacle to work together to navigate. If she won’t be reasonable and you need help, book a coaching session, and I can help mediate the conversation to ensure both sides get heard and listen.

Question 2 – Couple needs counselling

There was a question someone who was 22 years into their marriage asked. The husband was lying about his porn habit, lying about masturbating, calling her names, gaslighting her, opening secret bank accounts and more.

It was long, very specific, and not a question easily answered in this format. So, if you sent this question in, I’d get into marriage counselling or therapy immediately with someone qualified. If your husband doesn’t go, then you do so you can get support and build a plan to make boundaries and protect yourself. This level of damage in a relationship isn’t going to be resolved by an anonymous question.

Question 3 – Keep having the same unproductive fight

Jay,

Thank you for consistently tackling the tough topics couples deal with! Mine is probably one you have dealt with before, but it’s one that continues to cause frustration in my marriage. My wife and I are both 50 and have been married for 29 years, are recent empty-nesters and have been through various sexual ‘droughts’ in our marriage. There have been times during the 29 years when I have been the higher drive spouse and times when she has been, though I typically fill that role. When sex is not made a priority, I get short-tempered and find myself in a catch-22 situation! I’m grouchy because we haven’t connected, and it makes me feel undesirable, then I snap at her, and the last thing she wants to do is have sex with me! I will say that we have done a better job of consistently having (good!) sex throughout the last year that our son was at college, though it’s still not the frequency I want it to be, and we still go through periods where we have sex just once every 2 to 3 weeks. We both work full-time, and she is menopausal and also has a very needy mother (in a nursing home) that she takes care of/visits several times a week. My wife plays tennis at least two nights a week and frequently brings homework (teacher). My frustration is that our relationship never seems to be a priority. Everything else – – work, mother, grown-up kids, meal prep and planning, exercise, church – – seems to take precedence over our relationship/sex life. Whenever we try to talk about it, it becomes a fight. I’m just looking for fresh ways to address this seemingly ever-present issue! Thanks in advance.

I wish you had gone into more detail about the fighting because it sounds like you’re heading in the right direction – having a conversation about it – but I need to know why the conversation turns into a fight to do more. I suggest booking a coaching call, and we can discuss it together. As with the first question, I can help mediate the fight so it turns back into a productive conversation, so long as you both are willing to accept some guidance.

In the meantime, I’d work on learning how to control yourself better during times when sex is infrequent.  I know it’s hard to fight against that grouchiness and short temper, but just because it’s hard doesn’t make it okay to act like that.  You are responsible for your actions, and I think learning to control that would probably help.

As Christians, we should be growing in things like peace, patience, kindness, gentleness and self-control, which it sounds like you struggle with sometimes.  That’s more of an issue with your relationship with God than your relationship with your wife.  Your conflict in your marriage is just a catalyst – not the reason.  

Don’t get me wrong, there’s still an issue to fix in the marriage, but I think you have work you could do on your own as well.

Question 4 – Make boundaries before you start dating

Hi Jay,

I stumbled upon your website while googling. So I have this question, to which I probably already know the answer. But gonna ask it anyways. So I’m dating this girl. She really needs cuddles and things like that. Obviously, that makes my body react. We don’t want to have sex. Is it ok to masturbate then?

Thanks

Mark

—

Hey Mark,

Ok, first off, I disagree with the phrase “she really needs cuddles.” She doesn’t. She really wants cuddles. That leads you to your failing – rather than set a boundary to keep you both safe, you’ve caved and not only given in to her wants but reclassified them as needs so that you can rationalize them. What happens when she really “needs” an orgasm? Or when she really “needs” sex? Once you start down this path, you’ll have difficulty stopping it.

You say you don’t want to have sex, but that boundary won’t hold up if you let all the other boundaries leading to it fall.

And if you don’t even have the self-control not to masturbate when she’s not there – how will you have the self-control to stop her when she is there and begging for sex?

To me, sex is sex – alone or with someone – and you should only have sex with your spouse. So, stop putting yourself in positions where you’ll need to masturbate.

Or get married. Ensure your girlfriend is a good candidate first – that she loves God and will continue pursuing Him with you. Things like the desire to have kids or not are good things to be in sync with, as well as central doctrinal beliefs. But if you’ve figured that out – what’s stopping you? If you haven’t figured that out yet, you’re letting your physical relationship progress faster than it should and should slow down on that front – probably even go back a couple of steps.

My friend Chris over at TheLionWithin.us often says, “Our physiology can outrun our theology,” and I think he’s quoting someone else, but I don’t know who.  

And I get it because I’ve been in that position.  We didn’t want to have sex until we were married … until we did.  It’s one of the biggest regrets of my life that I did not stand on the theology that I thought I was strong on.  So, make those boundaries, make them good and don’t be a place where you can easily throw them out.

Question 5 – Sexy underwear for men

Hi Jay, what is your opinion on men wanting to wear sexy or revealing underwear ( specifically for men like jockstraps, thongs, etc)? My wife and I have been married for about 15 years, and I have expressed the desire to wear sexy underwear a few times to my wife, but she is very hesitant and thinks it is weird, likely because it isn’t the social norm. I have tried explaining to her that I don’t think the feeling of wanting to feel sexy is gender exclusive, and she admits that when she wears panties that are meant to be sexy that it does give her that feeling of being sexy and desirable. This is a part of the reason I would like to do it on occasion. It has nothing to do with wanting to feel feminine or for cross-dressing purposes (which I know you have covered under other topics). It is purely for the above-mentioned reason as well as I find it to be a big turn to feel exposed or on display in front of my wife. I enjoy being naked in front of her and always have, and we have a fun time with that and laugh about how I enjoy it so much. I also think it would be fun to wear them say out on a date with her and me and I having a little “secret” between the two of us as a form of foreplay. We do this already with her if she puts on some sexy lingerie under her clothes before we go out to dinner or the movies. Just curious about your thoughts and also if there are other Christian men that enjoy this sort of fun with their wives. Thanks. 

We had no objections to it at all. As for why it isn’t the social norm is likely because men tend to be more visually stimulated than women, so the idea of sexy underwear for men appeals to a much smaller audience. Even in your case, your wife seems less interested in it than you are. Not that that’s an issue, just explaining why it’s not a social norm. But, yeah, I don’t see anything wrong with it.

Those are the questions from May 2023.   If you have a question of your own, you have some options.  You can post it anonymously on the website, and we’ll talk about it in the forum and post the answers at some point in the future.  

If you have a question that’s more urgent or you want to be able to give more feedback on, then I suggest joining the forum as a supporter – even if just for a month to ask your question, be part of discussing it, and then if you want you can leave, or stick around and learn more as we help others in their marriages.

If you want an even quicker and more targeted response, then you can book a consultation call with me or start coaching to make big, lasting changes.