Welcome to another round-up of questions from our anonymous Have A Question page. This month we only have 4, and I was considering merging it with the next month, but we have quite a few that come in during April, so we’ll stick with this short one for now. It’s been hectic around here on the farm (we’re over 120 animals now – many chickens, horses, rabbits, ducks, geese, quail, goats, cats, dogs and a lizard), and I haven’t had a chance to write in a while as we’ve been scrambling to build pens and habitats for them all. But we’re about done now, and our kid’s programs are running down for the year, so I should get more chances in the coming months.
Without further ado, here are the four questions we’re tackling today.
Question 1 – Threesome temptation
Help, I keep on feeling attracted to having a Female-Female-Male threesome. Since I was a teenager, I have been curious about what it would be like to be with two women at the same time. My first serious girlfriend (a Christian girl) said she was open to having a threesome. She would talk through a threesome with me over the phone while we masturbated. I know this is sinful and not good. I later ended that relationship for other reasons. Today I am married to another Christian woman, and we have kids together. My wife has offered herself for sex more often than I expected going into marriage. However, she mostly offers her body and does not bring her sexual person. She is making love to me out of obligation. I find it really hard to feel satisfied with this version of sex that she offers.
I still have this nagging drive to have a threesome. Thankfully, my wife is not at all interested in being part of one. I want to honour God with my life, including my choices with how I use my body to express my sexuality. I struggle with dabbling in pornography, and when I give into temptation, I often catch myself searching for romantic threesomes.
So the first part of my question is: Is it normal to desire to have a threesome, and how can I move on from this? Perhaps the bigger question is: What can I do to discover more satisfaction with the sex my wife provides? I have had many conversations with her about this. She says I am a good lover. I have made a lot of changes over the last few years to be more emotionally connected. She has expressed a lot of affirmation about these changes. I do many heart-felt things for her, such as notes, flowers, helping around the house, etc. Still, I feel like I am just another project to check off of her list instead of a lover to connect with. To be fair, I understand that as the mother of four young kids while homeschooling two of them, she is putting out a lot of energy being a mom. Thank you in advance for your thoughts.
So, let’s start with “Is it normal.” For a Christian, this is a terrible question. I get it; we all want to know that we’re okay and not that different from everyone else. But the Christian worldview understands that the idea that the “normal” generally isn’t good. The world is corrupt, and most of its people don’t even realize how sinful it is. So, if you’re aiming for “normal,” I think you’re aiming for the wrong thing.
Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.
Romans 12:2
Let’s instead say that it is understandable. Firstly, this idea of a threesome being the ultimate goal is strongly pushed on men from society. I have seen so many men teach the idea that what you want is not only a woman who will agree to a threesome but will actively search out other women to bring to you for one.
But it’s a trap. Read your Bible – every time a man has more than one wife, it leads to massive problems in the relationship. And that’s just having another woman in the relationship, let alone in the bed. Sadly, I’ve talked to many couples who have experimented with this, and it always leads to severe problems in the marriage later.
On top of that, your first serious relationship solidified this idea in your mind by having a girlfriend who, instead of calling out the sinful temptation, added to it by saying she would be willing to engage in this with you and feeding that fantasy.
Thankfully you acknowledge that it was wrong for both of you to engage in this fantasy.
“As obedient children, do not conform to the evil desires you had when you lived in ignorance. But just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do; for it is written: ‘Be holy, because I am holy.'”
1 Peter 1:14-16
Now, when you ask how to move on from this, but then you say the bigger question is, “How do I discover more satisfaction with the sex my wife provides?” I think it shows an issue which I see pretty regularly. You don’t quite come right out and say it, but underneath the question is this implication that it’s your wife’s fault that you’re struggling with these temptations. When you ask, “How do I move on” but then say the bigger question is, “How do I be more satisfied with the sex my wife is providing” there is this undercurrent of “if I were more satisfied, then I wouldn’t be so tempted.”
This attitude places the responsibility on your wife for your sins, which isn’t proper. We are responsible for our own sins.
So then, each of us will give an account of himself to God.
Romans 14:12
Regardless of your wife’s actions, your struggle with temptation is an issue with your relationship with God more than your relationship with your wife. That is how we should look at our sins.
Now, when looking at others’ sins or areas of growth, we should see what we can do to help them. We certainly can help with others’ temptations. We can encourage them, pray for them, and hold them accountable (if willing).
“Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted. Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.”
Galatians 6:1-2
“And we urge you, brothers, admonish the idle, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with them all.”
1 Thessalonians 5:14
And yes, as spouses, we do have a duty to each other to help each other flee from temptation.
Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
1 Corinthians 7:5
But even that verse is clear that our own lack of self-control is the root problem.
And so, concerning our own sins, we should take a stance that they are our responsibility and no one else’s. We can accept help if offered, even ask for help if they are willing, but regardless of anyone else’s interactions with us – we are responsible for our choices.
Concerning others, we should constantly seek out how to help them. Be it with encouragement, support or accountability, but always in love and with patience. The complex and dangerous part is knowing what they need. That requires wisdom and a lot of love, and even then, there is a risk that you may damage the relationship.
So, what do you do? The first thing to realize, as you said, is that she is a mother of young kids and is homeschooling them. That does take a lot of energy, and it can be hard to get out of “mommy” mode and into “wifey” mode. So, have a conversation and try some things that help her transition.
One big thing that works for us is having “Us” time after the kids go to bed. Most nights, the kids go to bed, and we go to bed. We’re likely not going to sleep at that time, but it’s a time for us to go to our bedroom, shut the door, get naked and be a couple rather than parents.
It doesn’t matter a lot what we do; the point is we carve out time almost daily to be a couple rather than a family. It doesn’t always end up with us having sex – most often than not, it doesn’t actually, but it does always give us time to be together, naked, being intimate.
Give that a try and see how it goes.
Question 2 – Aversion to receiving manual and oral sex
My husband and I have been married for 5 years this year. I have heard on your podcast many times that women thoroughly enjoy oral sex in their marriage, I absolutely hate it when my husband wants to perform oral sex on me, and I don’t like it when he touches me, either. I would just jump straight to sex if it were me, but he complains that he wants to do foreplay with me. I am also a labour and delivery nurse, and I believe that is the reason why I do not want him near my intimate areas, as I see them in the most vulnerable and messy moments of their lives. I don’t know what I can do to separate my work-life balance, and I want to enjoy receiving oral sex like other women do.
Yes, many women thoroughly enjoy oral sex in their marriage, but many women do not as well. I find it interesting that, typically, wives who are nurses tend to enjoy these sorts of activities more than those not in nursing, so I wonder what it is that had the opposite effect on you.
One of our supporters is a doula and a midwife, and she felt it likely wasn’t the job itself but something more profound – a teaching or belief from earlier on that genital contact is somehow sinful or dirty. That may be something to look into, going back and figuring out where this came from.
The other option is to move forward. I’d suggest trying something like this:
Then, once you’re more comfortable with manual stimulation, move on to oral stimulation using the same protocol.
Because otherwise what’s likely to happen is that you will continue to go with the “just jump into sex” method, which will slowly shift towards only picking the most efficient method for your each to orgasm, and then you’ll be basically just having quickies, which won’t feel intimate, but rather mechanical. I see this happen in a lot of marriages. As much as the wives tend to be nervous, afraid, uncomfortable or even outright disgusted at the idea of anything beyond simple intercourse, the wives are the ones that tend to get bored and then cut sex out of the marriage.
Then they wonder why there’s no intimacy anymore. Most women need more adventure in the bedroom than men do. The men desire it and will push for it, but it’s the wives who seem to need it more, even if they don’t recognize that need.
Question 3 – Penis size
How large is too large of a penis, would one say?
I’m sure there is a limit, but it would be on the extreme edges. If you mean largeness as in girth, then it may take some more warming up, stretching, relaxing, lube, etc., for your spouse to handle it, but most women have babies much larger than a penis. If you’re talking about length, then yes, that can be problematic, but it will depend a lot on the length of your spouse’s anatomy, which will also change during her cycle. There are positions you can use to mitigate that, as well as some toys.
I keep falling asleep while my fiancé is pleasuring me. It’s not because I’m falling out of love or not interested anymore. And it’s killing him inside. What is wrong with me? I’m so confused when it happens, and it has become worse since becoming pregnant. Help.
So, first off – get married. You are already parents together, so what’s stopping you? Nevertheless, I will answer the question because many others struggle with the same thing but don’t take this as condoning having sex before marriage. I think you’ve done things in the wrong order here.
You’re either pregnant or just had a baby – exhaustion comes with both. Give yourself some grace. If this is a persistent problem, figure out why you’re exhausted. Are you not sleeping well? Do you generally feel exhausted? Get some blood tests done because some deficiencies can cause exhaustion like this.
But, yes, I agree, this likely has nothing to do with your interest or love for him. See a doctor and get checked out. In the meantime, try sex earlier when you’re not as run down. Mornings tend to be best for men as their free testosterone is highest then. Afternoons tend to be the best for women hormone-wise, but mornings are usually better than evenings.
And that’s it for the March questions. If you have a question, you can contact us here or submit them anonymously on our Have A Question page. If you’d like to be part of the discussion, check out our supporter’s forum, where you get to see the questions as they come in and discuss them with the community. You also get sneak peeks at what’s going on behind the scenes, opportunities to get early releases of the posts and generally be more involved in a community of believers who aren’t afraid to talk about marriage, sex or, frankly, anything else – we have some great theology discussions as well. Of course, if you have thoughts about any of today’s questions, you can post them in the comments section below, and if you want to be anonymous, skip the name and email parts of the form.
