SWM 104 – Do women control men, beauty vs lusting, playlist for sex, and are men polygamous by nature?

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Today we’re tackling another group of questions from our anonymous Have A Question page. 

We have another Couple’s Night on June 8th. It’s usually the first Thursday of the month, but we had a conflict this month. You get free access if you are a $5/month supporter. They’re not recorded, so you have to show up or miss out. Last month we had a lot of fun with about a dozen couples attending.

And lastly, we just released our guide to edging. One of the wives in our Becoming More Sexually Engaged course asked for ideas to help slow down orgasms because she was having them too quickly and then was too sensitive to continue. I offered to write a how-to on extending the sessions and pushing off orgasm. This request resulted in our new ebook – The Art of Edging: Enhancing Connection and Pleasure in your Marriage Bed. If you’re interested in extending your sexual play times, then it might be worth checking out.

And now, on to the questions.

Question 1 – Women use sex to control men, so men should be allowed to masturbate

Hi,

You must be aware of the recent articles discussing how many people are trapped in sexless (dry) marriages nowadays. Often after the honeymoon period, the woman starts regulating and reducing the frequency of sex. Sometimes after children, this occurs. Often it leads to such low or no frequency. This is withholding of affection that involuntarily turns the other spouse into a celibate roommate. This used to be a long-time legal reason for divorce. No normal heterosexual man gets married to not have sex. Many women, however, do get married with the idea of eventually not having sex with their husbands. Or use sex as prostitution, quid pro quo, to get something from the husband. It’s a sad state of affairs, really.

For those men trapped in a sexless marriage, they didn’t expect or want, who also may want to stay married because of their promise to God, where does masturbation fit in for these men? It’s very easy for women to lose interest in sex, the one major thing that makes a husband-wife relationship different from two people simply being roommates. Men have 25-50 times the testosterone of women; there is no comparison between a woman’s low level of self-control needed versus a man’s. 

I’m not sure I’m aware of any specific recent articles discussing the topic; however, this has been an ongoing issue in marriages, both in the church and outside, for years.

And this question pre-supposes that it is out of malicious intent that women intentionally trap men into sexless marriages. I think that is a rare case. I also don’t believe that many women intentionally use sex to get something out of their spouse – I think that’s a fiction created by our media. Does that mean it doesn’t happen? Of course not, but I don’t think it’s a prevalent dynamic. I think some men feel this way, but I’ve never encountered a marriage where this is the case.

While some few are, most men aren’t “trapped” in a sexless marriage. They feel trapped. That’s not the same thing. If you talk to the wives, while they find it easier than the husband to continue without sex, most of the time, they don’t want a sexless marriage. What they want is to have an intimate marriage. In most situations, there are issues with attitudes, communication and behaviours that neither knows how to deal with.

So, what I think is a sadder state of affairs is that people think masturbation is a solution. It’s not any more than divorce is. It’s a method people use to side-step fixing the issue. It’s much harder to have an honest conversation about marriage and do the work required to build true intimacy and trust.

And the desire to resort to masturbation shows one of the reasons they’re not having an intimate relationship with their wife – they’ve reduced intimacy to simply having an orgasm. They separated sex from a relationship. Frankly, I’m not surprised at all that their spouse doesn’t want to have sex with them if their attitude is “Well, if you don’t give it to me, I’ll get it somewhere else” – because it shows that all they want is an orgasm – not a relationship.  

If the only reason they’re working on the relationship is to get sex, that will also come through in their interactions with their wife. She will feel that intimacy with her is just a means to an end and that the goal is to use her as a masturbatory device instead of connecting with a real person.

So, that’s where masturbation fits in – it’s a deception to make you think it’s a solution. But it’s a canary in the coal mine – it shows where your heart is, and it’s not focused on your spouse. It just wants to use them to get physical gratification.

Instead, I suggest having a real conversation with your spouse about your desire for an intimate marriage.  If you need help, book a coaching call.  I’ve helped many couples restart sex in their marriages, and both be happy about it.

Question 2 – Appreciating beauty vs lusting

Hello Jay,

Is it possible for a man to appreciate a woman’s beauty without lusting after her if he is not married to her, and should women dress more modestly to help out guys that are struggling, or do men need to do a better job controlling their eyes?

I have heard a lot of women talk about how they should be able to wear a very revealing outfit without feeling like they have a bunch of eyes locked on them from men, but why would they wear outfits like that if they’re not wanting to be noticed? Shouldn’t they wear modest outfits in public and then be able to show their beauty to their husband in private? Do husbands like wives that show off their body in public so he can show others what a beautiful woman he’s got?

Thanks!

This question is excellent because it tackles it from both sides – we have a responsibility as men, and women do as well. Of course, all of this applies if the genders are reversed; I’m just using this dynamic because it’s what was asked.

Is it possible to appreciate a woman’s beauty without lusting after her? Yes. I can fully admit there are a lot of beautiful women in the world. Recognition is not lust. In the biblical sense, lust is a yearning, a desire to have or experience something. There is a difference between “Wow, she is stunning” and “I wonder what it would be like to have sex with her” or “I would like to see more of that body.” That’s where that yearning, that desire, that lust comes in.

The appropriate response from men is to appreciate that beauty but not give in to the temptation of desiring to experience more of it. Likewise with women, in this scenario, it’s appropriate to dress in a way that augments your beauty but not in a way that intentionally causes someone to lust after you.

And I think both sides often misbehave here, even in churches. There are men, married and non, looking at women with no consideration other than their looks and often drawn to particular areas, like their butt or chest. Likewise, some women wear push-up bras to church and intentionally show off cleavage or wear pants that make their butt look amazing. Why are they wearing 4-inch heels if not to accentuate that part of their body? If they’re focusing on those two areas – why? I think they know the sort of attention it will draw, and I think that’s just as bad as the men looking. They’re both committing adultery as I see it, one for looking with that intention, the other for inviting the looks with that same intention.

But, I also think that it is possible to dress simply to look beautiful without attempting to attract lustful attention and still attract it. And it’s also possible to draw that sort of attention and fail. Intention does not always lead to the intended behaviour of other people. I’m only talking about when people are intentionally looking for that attention and others are intentionally giving it. There’s equal responsibility in those situations, and they’re both committing adultery, as per Matthew 5:28.

Husbands wanting to show off their wives are in the same boat – they want others to lust after their spouse. They’re inviting adultery. This makes him complicit in the same sin.

Question 3 – Playlist for sex

Hi Jay!

I’m not sure if this has been asked before or how you could go about compiling this, but I’m looking for a good sensual music playlist for sex with my wife. Nothing super upbeat, just smooth and sensual. I’ve looked this up to try to create my own playlist based on random articles I’ve seen, but from what I’ve seen, these lists aren’t all that great. My wife and I have actually never done music in the bedroom, but I’ve been thinking it could be a fun way to spice things up a bit. Any help you or your Facebook group can provide would be much appreciated!

First, just a quick point of clarification, our supporter’s group is on a private forum on a private server, not Facebook.  

As for answering the question, this is going to be highly subjective. For example, we had a bunch of people in the forum suggest Jazz music in the past, but both my wife and I would immediately turn that off.  

We had some of our supporters recommend looking for massage playlists like this one: 

SoL sensual massage – https://open.spotify.com/playlist/497s1tj1rtnWi3ODug28j1

One of our supports made these two playlists:

Romantic date night – https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2LYeJ91AwHrqpQOEZbM9OF
Christian romantic date night – https://open.spotify.com/playlist/52pBZBaeiEw6YeQ70Enebb

For my wife and I, a playlist like this would probably be better:

Best ’90s Alternative Playlist Ever – https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5jKkHPUXGZHitWujNXQREE

Because that’s what was popular when we started dating. Or this one:

00s Rock Anthems – https://open.spotify.com/playlist/37i9dQZF1DX3oM43CtKnRV

Because that’s what was popular when we first got married.

But, honestly, we don’t listen to music during sex because I want to be able to hear every noise, every breath, especially if we’re playing with something like edging.

Nevertheless, I hope that gives you some ideas.

Question 4 – Tenuto

Jay,

Did you ever actually use the Tenuto by MysteryVibe? Yes, you unpacked it. But did you ever try it with your lady? If so, was it any good? The current model, “Tenuto 2,” costs over $200. So product review is what is needed, not a simple unpacking.

Eric

Yeah, I tried it and honestly just found it bulky and annoying, but I know others who love it, so I didn’t do a review because, well, I figured I just wasn’t a good candidate for it. If you’re looking for something along the same lines, I’d go with something simpler like a Tor 2 from Lelo.

Question 5 – Squeamish about handjobs

I am squeamish about giving my husband handjobs. I want to give him pleasure, but when I give him a handjob, he ejaculates so much, and it is hard to catch it with tissues. He has finished on me by accident, and it gets on my hands and the bed sheets. I want to give him handjobs, but I don’t want to get it on me or my hands or our sheets. How do I give him pleasure without a big mess? No, my mouth isn’t a solution. 

Some quick ideas are:

Use a condom – many don’t like this; in fact, I’ve received questions from husbands complaining about this.

Put a towel under him – will it still cause a mess? Yes, but then you have a towel right there to wipe it off.

In the shower – easy clean up.

Just have sex instead – This one is self-explanatory.

Honestly, though, I would suggest just getting over it. I’d say keep doing it, and don’t let your brain make a big deal out of it. Changing diapers is disgusting at first, but after five kids, it’s nothing. Dealing with a dead animal is gross at first, but after a few dozen, it’s just, “Oh, we lost another one” (we’re on a hobby farm and hatching chickens, ducks, geese and quail – we’re not accidentally killing dozens of cats and dogs).

So, I would say just keep doing it. That way, he can enjoy it, and you can desensitize yourself to it and then not have this conflict to worry about.

Of course, this is assuming you’re actually just “squeamish” and not having a full-on abreaction like a panic attack or something. If that’s the case, then I’d see a therapist because that’s not normal, and I would guess you have something going on that needs to be dealt with.

Question 6 – Another question about masturbation

Here is something my wife and I want to know what you and your community think about it.

Background – wife and are in the late 40s. Sex is pretty good, and 2-3 times a week. Wife normally is pretty easy to orgasm. She is not a morning person. We don’t ever have morning sex; that would be right before lunch sex 2-3 times a year.

One Friday night, our kids were all gone. Wife just wasn’t feeling like sex. I asked if we could try the morning. 10:30-11am, she agreed. We had a normal length of foreplay for us. Including a vibrator, we use regularly. Then we had a very long PIV session. Vibe and finger clit stimulation was used. My wife was just not getting there and gave me the ok. I’m done. You can finish. Personally, I was surprised I managed to last that long. I offered to continue to work with her towards her orgasm. She said no, you better shower and get the kids. Short cuddle time, and off to the shower I went. When I got out of the shower, I asked if we needed another try tonight. She said nope, I was able to finish myself off. I was not surprised or offended. I was glad she was able to orgasm.

I know your stance is no solo masturbating. Interested in hearing what everyone thinks about this case.

My immediate thought was, “I would have skipped the shower and been with her while she masturbated.”  

Others echoed that they would have a problem with the fact that it was hidden, that it excluded you, that you weren’t part of it, and that you weren’t even given an invitation.  

Of course, we have some as well who disagree with my stance and see nothing wrong with it.

As I’ve always said – work in accordance with your own convictions. But I am curious why you’re asking if there isn’t something bothering you about it.

For those who are interested in what my stance on solo masturbation is, you can check out the post Why masturbation is a problem, whether you’re married or single.

Question 7 – How do I get my wife to masturbate for me?

I have tried to get my wife to masturbate for me and with me. She says she has never masturbated (while I believe she has always been truthful with me, but I doubt this). I believe if she did this, it would help us both tremendously. We are older, and I am having erection problems, and because of this, I think it would help us both. How can I convince her of this? She has very strong views about masturbation.

I’m curious why you doubt this. Statistically, this isn’t hard to believe at all. I don’t have a way to convince her because I don’t know what her views are. What you need to do is sit down and have an adult conversation about it. Don’t try to convince her – instead, try to understand her. 

I think this is a common problem people have – they see a problem and assume they have a solution and that the other person just needs to be fixed. What if she’s right? What if there is another solution? Your stance doesn’t allow for that possibility at all.

So, sit down, and have a talk about it. You try to understand her; she tries to understand you. Then, find a solution that works for both of you. Maybe with more understanding, one or both of you will shift your thinking, maybe not. But if you do this, at least you’ll have a better understanding and appreciation for each other’s stance.

Question 8 – Is oral sex okay?

Is oral sex ok within a Christian marriage? I really enjoy her giving me oral sex, and I enjoy giving her oral sex, but she says it’s not “natural” and has stopped engaging in it. We’ve been married 51 years (we’re both 72).

I think it’s okay within marriage, but that doesn’t really help you, does it? The question is – why doesn’t she? Talk to her about it and figure out what’s bothering her about it. Why now? What changed? As with the previous question – seek to understand her, and then maybe you’ll find a path forward.

Question 9 – Are men polygamous by nature?

Hi Jay, what are your thoughts on this website?

REDACTED

Particularly in relation to men being mainly polygyny by nature and women being mainly monogamous by God’s design. In particular, 2 Samuel talks about how God blessed David with many wives. Does our Western culture and underlying Feminism impact our view of scripture too much?

I removed the website address because I’m not interested in giving them a platform. I’ve run across it before, and in short, I think they’re going to lead a lot of people astray, and they’re trying to use the Bible to justify lust. I mean, a quick scan through it and they flat out say:

1. God created women to be sexual objects
2. Women don’t count in “iron sharpens iron” – they should keep any thought that might be deemed critical to themselves
3. Women don’t need to consent to sex; men should just take it when they want it – Men have every right to deny sex to their wives, but wives cannot deny sex to their husbands
4. Women can’t leave their husbands if they’re actively cheating on them without remorse
5. Women are owned by their husbands
6. Wives should be controlled by their husbands

This website is basically a handbook for how to twist scripture in order to be an abusive husband.  

Anyways, I have a post on polygamy here if you’re interested in my views on that subject, but in short, the Bible is quite clear – every single time there is more than one wife for a husband, it goes badly. What makes you think you’ll manage better than David, Solomon, Abraham, Isaac and all the rest?

And that’s it for today. If you have a question of your own, you can ask it on our anonymous question page, or if you’re a supporter of Uncovering Intimacy (even $1/month), you can ask it right in the forum itself and get more interactive and faster responses from me and everyone else in the community. And yes, you can remain anonymous on the forum as well. Most of our supporters use aliases. Joining the forum also gives you access to all the anonymous questions as they’re submitted.