SWM 103 – Phone sex, oral sex to completion, are pictures okay, increasing female libido, toxic wife and more

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Today we’re going through another bunch of questions from our anonymous Have A Question page, these ones from January 2023.  

Before we get to that, though, I have some things to tell you about in case you don’t read the emails I send out and aren’t following us on social media.

The first one is that the testing of our new Sexploration List web app is continuing on, and it’s pretty awesome, I think.  I just released a version today to our beta testing group with a new design. I’m hoping to have one out to the public soon, but I have a few things to figure out first.

The second is that we had our first couple’s night collaboration with TheLionWithin.us and had an awesome time.  I think we had about a dozen couples join, a pretty even mix from both communities and we had a blast just talking about marriage issues and experiences.  

If you missed it – don’t worry, we’ll have another one next month.  They’re on the first Thursday of each month.  Any $5/month supporter of Uncovering Intimacy is welcome to join.

Third, I finished our guide to edging, and our supporters are checking it over for any last-minute changes before we release it, so stay tuned for that.  I suggest joining our mailing list if you haven’t already so you know when it’s released.

And lastly, I’m playing with a new service during this podcast to try and add some variety to the anonymous question posts. So the questions will be read by some AI voice-over bots, and then I’ll tackle the answers.  I’d love to know what you think of it and if I should continue with it.

With all that out of the way, let’s get on to the questions.

Question 1 – Phone sex

Can you describe what exactly phone sex means/consists of?

This question got kicked around for a bit in the forum, but I think this is the definition I settled on:

Phone sex refers to an intimate and erotic conversation between people over the telephone. It typically involves explicit and sexually suggestive language and verbal descriptions of sexual acts, fantasies, or experiences. Couples may engage in phone sex to explore their desires, share intimate moments when physically distant, or simply for pleasure and stimulation. This conversation may or may not include masturbation on either or both sides.

I hope that answers the question.

Question 2 – Oral sex to completion

Am I alone? My wife is willing and frequently gives me oral. It is something that we both enjoy giving and receiving from one another. When I’m on the receiving end, she will almost 100% of the time let me finish in her mouth, but more often than not, she will spit it out. For some reason, this bothers me. I’m not sure why, and I wonder if I’m alone in this. To me, it’s a huge turn-on if she does, and I feel like it breaks the mood when she walks away to spit it out. It also seems counterproductive. I mean, it’s already there. Keeping it in your mouth to get up and walk to the bathroom just prolongs the feeling or taste. Swallowing, I would think, is the fastest way to take care of it.

I ran a survey quite a while ago with a question about this. You can check out the survey here.

In the survey, 29% of men said they care about whether their wife swallows. So, no, you’re not alone. You can check out the post for all their comments detailing why they care or do not care.

Question 3 – Forgiveness and trust after betrayal

I’m a wife of 10 years. 4 years ago, my husband admitted to hidden pornography use and occasional visits to erotic massage parlors. He is/was deeply sorry and ashamed and has done everything possible to change his behavior, heal our marriage and support me in my healing process. It wasn’t until 2021 that, by God’s grace, we found accountability software that helped him overcome the habit for good. Although I am so grateful for the positive changes in him and our relationship, and while I pray regularly for help to find healing and forgiveness, there is a pain in my heart that feels permanent. The damage to my self-esteem feels irreparable at times. Talking about my feelings with my husband always helps, but I just want to be over this. I want to feel like myself again, not this insecure, fragile person, always shuddering at the thought of “but what if “… Is it unforgiveness? Is it fear? Is it normal?

You’ve been married for ten years, and four years ago, he admitted it. Then it took another two years to quit, even after it came out. So, you spent six years in the dark and two more years knowing it was continuing. It’s no wonder you have some issues with trust there. Just because it’s changed doesn’t mean the trust comes back immediately. That’s not a forgiveness issue. Now, if you said you don’t even want to trust him again – that’s different, and then you may have a forgiveness issue. But acknowledging that there is still work to be done to rebuild trust is not a lack of forgiveness.

What is that work? Well, part of it it sounds like you’ve already done – make the changes needed so that he’s no longer breaking trust. That’s part of it. The rest is simply time. Trust is earned, and that earning comes from being trustworthy day in and day out. You’ll get there.

In the meantime, your brain is trying to keep you safe. It will keep running the same program repeatedly until you can convince yourself that it’s safe to drop it. So, when those feelings come up, acknowledge them. Understand that they’re there for a reason, because of the past, and that it’s no longer needed; you choose to trust your husband.

The feelings of trust will come eventually. It may take a while because our brains do not like letting go of programs quickly.

Question 4 – Are pictures and videos a problem?

I like to take pictures and record videos of my wife touching herself or of us having sex. I keep it just for my enjoyment. Or when we are both busy and haven’t had time to be intimate, I can relieve myself by watching my wife. Also, it keeps me from being tempted when it has been a while. Is this normal? Is it okay? Or can it turn into a problem somehow? My wife is fine with it but just wants me to keep the images secured. Thank you for your time. 

We have a few questions here.

Is this normal? If by that, do you mean do other people do it? Yep. I have another survey on that which you can check out here.

Is it okay? I think sexual activities should be shared with your spouse, so I would say the taking videos is, but the masturbating isn’t. However, I also believe you should act under your convictions, not mine simply because they’re mine. The risk is that you separate sex from the relationship, which is what you’re doing. Instead of dealing with the actual issue, which is that you aren’t prioritizing sex together, you’ve found a way to make that lack of priority bearable instead of addressing it.

To me, that’s one of many risks of solo masturbation.

Question 5 – Increasing female libido naturally

Hi Jay,

I was wondering if there are any natural remedies for increasing female libido. I am 30 and have had three children. I’m in good health and not overweight. I’m not currently breastfeeding or on hormonal birth control. I’ve taken steps to reduce stress, eat better, work on communication with my husband etc. However, I find myself only ever interested in sex one or two days after my period is over. I can force myself to engage, but it takes a lot to feel aroused. So I’m really convinced it’s a hormone issue. I have taken bioidenticals in the past (testosterone pellet), and it significantly improved matters. I was the high-drive spouse when I was using bioidenticals. However, I feel they were a little too potent, and I was experiencing unwanted side effects. I don’t have health insurance currently, so seeking out extensive medical care and testing is off the table at this time. I don’t think my potential hormone imbalance is too severe based on past testing and reaction to the bioidenticals. So I’m hoping that a natural route could be the boost I’m needing. Any suggestions are appreciated because my husband has been affected by my lack of desire for him because it hasn’t always been this way. I know you’re not a doctor, but any advice would be appreciated to improve our intimacy and my eagerness for sex. Thanks

Thank you for putting the “not a doctor” disclaimer in there for me. It’s hard to figure out what works and what doesn’t. People’s experiences are so vastly different and contradictory with others that there is no “this will work” solution.

Some of our supporters had excellent experiences with bio-identical hormones, and they can be dosed correctly, but as you said, you’re looking for alternatives.

Another mentioned increasing DHEA because it gets converted into both testosterone and estrogen.

I’ve also heard good things from studies about saffron for both libido, depression and ADHD. My wife is trying this out primarily for the ADHD benefits, but we’re also curious about the potential libido improvements. But she just started, so it’s early days yet, and the effects tend to come after weeks of supplementation, according to the studies.

Ashwagandha, Fenugreek, Maca, and Tribulus Terrestris are also commonly cited as improving testosterone levels in women, so they may be things to look into.

Lastly, to go a completely different route – most wives who complete our BMSE course find an increase in desire, and 80% of them say they enjoy sex more after taking it (they say their sexual enjoyment doubled).

Also, I would suggest checking out our free resource – Where did my sex drive go? Which may help with dealing with drive differences while you try to find a solution that works for you.

Question 6 – What is our duty?

Why not cum in her mouth. It’s her duty.

In short, I know of no verse or biblical principle that holds this to be true. That said, this simple, crude, and misguided question sparked one of the most extensive threads on our supporter forum. It went back and forth for a couple of weeks with 84 replies as we debated our duties to each other, how we handle it when we feel we’re giving more than the other, and how we gauge what more giving is.

I immensely enjoyed the debate, and others did too, and I’d love to share the outcome, but I don’t think I could summarize it and do it any justice. So, if you want to go check it out, you can become a supporter for as little as $1/month and get access to it and all our other conversations.  

Question 7 – Toxic wife

There are times when she is in the mood but most of the time, she’s not. I’m always in the mood. She brings me to the edge but never lets me orgasm. It’s been three months. She tells me that she wants a real man, and that means on the intimacy side. I am purposely trying to be vulnerable with my emotions, and I read that you can never know what you’re gonna expect by being vulnerable. Every time I’m vulnerable, which is hard for me, I get stepped on badly. She says I always bring things back to sex. But I’m purposely trying to build our relationship. Then she tells me during the argument that she’s emotionally vulnerable. She says if another man were to make her day, she would go with him. So basically, I’m being used in my relationship for finances and my ability to work, but my wife really doesn’t want me. She wants what she can get from me. She’s 54 years old, but she looks 40. I know that she uses her body to get what she wants, and I see her tease guys all the time, and she plays coy like she’s not doing it. I went to Walmart with her, and when she was asking for a price check, the guy came up so close to her. I asked, and you see him checking you out so closely? But she’s a Conservative mum. I think we need counselling. If it were a man, I’d be concerned.

If it were a man, you’d be concerned? What in that question is not concerning? I was concerned from the beginning, and it just got more and more concerning. Yes, 100% you need to get some help. Find a therapist/counsellor – you go even if she won’t go. Learn to create healthy boundaries, and learn to protect yourself. If this is the actual situation, it sounds manipulative and abusive. This dynamic is not healthy.

Question 8 – Abusive employer

My boss wants me to wear a very much shorter skirt and high heels and no panties. What must I think? I do not want.

This one is simple.  This request of his is utterly unacceptable for him to ask. I would immediately find a new job and tell the authorities.  Full stop.  There is no more.

And that’s it for today.  If you have a question of your own, you can ask it on our anonymous question page, or if you’re a supporter of Uncovering Intimacy (even $1/month), you can ask it right in the forum itself and get more interactive and faster responses from me and everyone else in the community. And yes, you can remain anonymous on the forum as well. Most our supporters use aliases.  Joining the forum also gets you access to see all the anonymous questions coming in.