SWM 093 – Crossdressing, counseling not working, should I share fantasies, facial hair, Viagra for women and many more

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Today we’re answering questions from May and June combined, so it’s a bit of a longer one.  Before we get to that though, I want to tell you about a couple of things going on around here.

The first is that we’re getting closer to Christmas and this is about the time people start getting interested in our Intimacy Advent Calendar.  For those of you who don’t know what that is, basically, it’s like the advent calendars you got when you were kids (or maybe wished you got), but instead of chocolates and toys, they have fun things to do as a couple.  We have three versions to choose from: Romantic, for those who just want to connect emotionally, Sexy, for those who want to connect physically as well, and Black Label, for those who want to spice things up over the holidays.

So, if you’re interested in giving your spouse an exciting, unique gift this year, check it out.  For those who have purchased in the past, this is your reminder to start preparing if you’re planning to do it again.  I know many had so much fun giving it in previous years that they’ve started a tradition of switching which spouse is the recipient each subsequent year.  Now is the time to start picking and printing your activities.

As well, I want to tell you about an event coming up.  The Lion Within podcast had me on a few weeks ago as a guest and we had so much fun and their community enjoyed it so much that we decided to do an “Ask Me Anything” live event.  It’s going to be on November 22, which is a Tuesday at 8 pm Eastern Time.  If you aren’t sure of the time where you are, click on the registration link and it will convert it for you.  So, come out, bring your questions and be prepared to have a fun night.  

With that all out of the way, let’s get on to the questions.

Question 1 – Crossdressing

Am I committing a sin by wearing women’s pantyhose and heels,  I have been wearing pantyhose since before I turned 10 years old. And I do get sexually aroused, especially when I masturbate with a pair of pantyhose on.

Check out my posts on cross-dressing and masturbation here:

Is it wrong for Christians to crossdress?

Why masturbation is a problem, whether you’re married or single

Question 2 – Counseling not fixing her sex drive

Jay,

I’ve been listening to your blog for close to a year now.  My wife of 30+ years and I have been in counseling with a Christian therapist for over 2 years now and sex is still an issue. The issue is she has no desire, period! There has been several times in recent months that she said just do it but I will not because she has no interest. On the rare occasion that we are sexually intimate, I always give her an orgasm first. She has never had a problem achieving orgasm. With both of us working, weekdays are out and now Saturday and Sunday are not good either. I’m at my limit of frustration and it seems like we could counsel for the rest of our lives and not get anywhere. What is a Christian man to do?

If, after 2 years, you’re not seeing any improvement, I think maybe you need to explore other options.  Maybe a different therapist, or maybe another tactic, but this one isn’t working for you.

What you haven’t mentioned is whether or not she enjoys sex.  Not having any spontaneous desire is quite common and not necessarily a problem.  I’d argue that willingness is more important than desire in marriage.  We talked about this a bit on my last guest podcast over at TheLionWithin.us.

So, I’d go check out that podcast episode and the free ebook What happened to my sex drive? and discuss it together.  Then send me an email and we can talk about the next steps.

Question 3 – Should I keep fantasies to myself?

So love when my wife pegs me, but I have no sexual desire for a male. I like it for the feeling but mostly because I don’t have to be in control and make decisions. She is marginally into it because it makes me happy but I love it.

I am really into the idea of her bringing control and making me suck on her strap-on, but I’m worried she will think this is tendencies of my being gay, but I just really want her to own the domineering side of the idea of making me do that before pegging me.

Are there other men who like this, or should I just keep this fantasy to myself?

I think whether fantasies are moral or immoral, they should probably be shared with your spouse for several reasons.

If it’s immoral, your spouse hopefully can help you see that.  Of course, there’s a risk they’ll also be led astray, but I think you have a better chance with two than one.  As well, then they can help you in your struggles.  The alternative is that you don’t tell them, build up this fantasy more and more in your mind, and one day do something stupid about it, and now they’re blindsided both by the fantasy and whatever it is you did to try and fulfill that fantasy.

If it is moral, then your spouse can decide if they’re willing to participate in making it a reality, or not.  If not, then you know to let it go.  If they’re willing to – well, then have fun.

As for whether or not this is morally right – I’ll be honest, I don’t know where I stand on this.  Something about it doesn’t sit right with me, I think for the reason I’ll bring up in a question later on in this episode.  So, I’m going to leave that alone for the moment.

Question 4 – Husband addicted to porn

I have found my husband watching porn and masturbating on numerous occasions.  I’ve also found him using dildos on himself even to the point he was hospitalized once.  I thought we had a great sex life, he says we do but I feel so not needed. I had cancer a few years ago but I still tried everything to not let our sex life go even when I was exhausted.  Now he looks at other women on top of this. He says it’s because I seem turned off by his behaviors. I’m seeking counseling but honestly I want to get divorced.  I don’t feel needed anymore and he says he is going to get counseling but never does.  What should I do? We have an 11 yr old son and I don’t want him to be hurt by a divorce. 

I could write a whole post on how you promised to love him for better or worse, and this is the worse, that he’s likely struggling as much as you are, but I think you know all that.  If you’re at the point that you can’t take it anymore, then I think there’s only one thing left to do.

Force the issue.  

I would flat out tell him that you’re thinking about leaving unless he gets counseling.  I mean, what do you have to lose at this point?  If you’ve already got one foot out the door, you might have well give a last ditch effort to try and make the marriage good again.  Worst case scenario – you can still choose divorce.  Best case scenario – he turns his life around and you’ll have saved your marriage and your family.

What have you got to lose?

Question 5 – Wife has no sex drive

My wife had a total Thyroidectomy over a year ago and has been cancer-free since. Praise God. At the beginning of this year, I started my journey to freedom from sexual sin (pornography addiction) and have been doing well. Over the last 6 months, my wife’s sex drive has decreased substantially. We have sex maybe 1 or 2 times a month and because I have given up masturbation because I believe it is sinful, the physical build-up becomes unbearable. I struggle to not fall back into sin but at the same time, I can’t go to my wife and say: “You need to have more sex with me” because that’s not how I feel. I desire to be close to her and be intimate with her. We talked about it and she apologized and told me something like: It’s not like I don’t want to have sex with you; it’s just that I don’t have the drive. I assume this is because of her lack of a Thyroid and the physical hormones aren’t there anymore or something. She says, “I don’t know what to do,” but I want to tell her to see a doctor and ask about how to improve her sex drive but I don’t want to be selfish or sinful. I also have had a conversation with her about initiating. She doesn’t want to initiate most of the time and I don’t want to initiate because I’m afraid she’ll think I’m doing it just to have an orgasm or to get a release. Please help me navigate our intimacy issues!

As with the first question in this post, I wouldn’t get too hung up on sex drive.  I wouldn’t phrase the conversation like, “You need to have more sex with me”, but I think saying, “I’m really struggling and need some help in this area” is entirely appropriate.  If your wife asked you for help in anything she was struggling with, I’d imagine you’d jump to help her out.  Why wouldn’t that be true if the situations were reversed?

I’d read through the “Where did my sex drive go” ebook together, talk about it and see what you both think.  Then come up with solutions together.

But ultimately, if you have spontaneous desire, and she has responsive desire, it’s your job to lead in this. Figure out how to get her turned on rather than waiting for her to be turned on.

Also, I would have her ask her doctor about bioidentical hormones.  If it works for her, she may find improvements beyond getting her sex drive back.

Question 6 – FaceTime sex

I travel quite a bit for my job and I miss my wife terribly.  We have a good relationship and above average sex life when I am in town.  I would love to close the gap, so to speak, while I am on the road.  I have asked her for some intimate FaceTime interactions but she is concerned someone else can see.  I have researched FaceTime and it is end-to-end encrypted and considered secure.  I have also asked for some revealing boudoir or art nude pictures.  Again, she is hesitant.  There are many options for these types of pictures.  Can you offer any help? Thanks!

– sometimes frustrated on the road

We live in an age where there’s no guarantee that anything is private anymore.  As much as I’d like to tell you that FaceTime has perfect security, the truth is, we regularly see governments getting data they shouldn’t have and companies letting go of data they should have kept safe.

I think the question shouldn’t be “could it happen” but rather “what’s the risk”?  

There are about 125 million people using FaceTime daily.  I’m willing to bet a bunch of them are young naive college kids having video sex.  So, what’s the chance someone’s going to take the trouble to hack into your FaceTime feed and watch you having sex?  I’d say slim to none.  No offence intended, but a shy Christian wife who is concerned about her modesty (which is a valid concern) will likely be less interesting to watch than a drunk/high college girl who is out to prove something because she has no self-respect or sense.

On top of that, it’s a lot of effort with a high risk if you’re caught hacking.  Especially when an estimated 37% of the internet’s content is porn, and a lot of it is free.  That’s merely an acknowledgment of the facts, not a recommendation or condoning it.

In short – I think it’s extremely low risk.  It’s not worth the effort it would take.  Now, to add extra security, use Signal instead of FaceTime, don’t use WiFi you don’t own and install VPN software to add another layer of encryption.  

Now, let’s say you get hacked and someone manages to get videos of you doing the thing that married couples do.  So what?  I mean, would it be embarrassing? Probably, but it’s not like you were doing anything wrong.  Would it end your career?  Probably not.  End your relationships?  Probably not.  Change your life in any substantial way in the long term?  Probably not.

On the other hand, you have a relationship that you know is struggling at times with these separations.  That’s not a risk, it’s real damage that’s occurring now.  Is it going to destroy your marriage?  Probably not.  But you are missing out on opportunities to grow because doing something scary like this together requires vulnerability which leads to intimacy of all kinds, not just sex.  You may be surprised how impactful this is to your relationship, outside of what happens on FaceTime.

All that said, if you decide this isn’t for you, then leave it for a bit and find other ways to stay intimate.  Maybe write erotic stories together about yourselves.  But if you continue to fight about this, I guarantee that will have a larger negative impact on your relationship than the lack of FaceTime fun.  You’d be better off finding a different job than fighting about the situation.

Anyways, there are some thoughts I have.  At the end of the day, though, you have to make your own decisions.  This is fairly new stuff still.  We don’t have much experience as a society  with it, and so it’s natural to have some apprehension and to be risk-averse.  I mean, we see reports of leaks all the time, but really, it’s a relative handful of people compared to 125 million people a day using FaceTime (not to mention Snapchat and everything else).

Question 7 – Spouse’s facial and body hair

Hi Jay, I’m a fan of your podcast and have been listening for a couple of years. My question relates to body hair and facial hair. Specifically, I’m frustrated because my husband has really started to “let himself go.” The beginning of the pandemic in 2020 was fun for a while because we seemed to have more time for fun and sex at home together, but after a few months, he stopped being good about grooming himself and even grew a “pandemic beard” which I don’t particularly enjoy kissing. At first, I didn’t mind, what with everything else going on in the world it didn’t seem like anything to complain about. But now it’s almost 2 years later and not only does he still have the beard, but he has also pretty much abandoned trimming his hair “down there” and everywhere else on his body. I generally keep myself well-groomed but his negligence is starting to rub off on me. I’ve noticed where I used to shave every 2-3 days, now I’m going a week or two at a time between shaving, thinking to myself, “why even bother” when my husband isn’t doing the same for me.

I must admit that there have been a couple of times when I’ve shaved after not doing so for a while, and my husband has been noticeably excited by this, and both times I have noticed him trimming himself more conscientiously for a few weeks afterward, one time even shaving his genitals completely (which I loved!)

But in general, he has not been doing it as much as I’d like, and he is aware of my preference. I do understand that it’s HIS body and to some degree, I must allow that I ultimately don’t have the right to make demands about his grooming himself to my taste. I do not “nag” him about this at all and I guess what I’ve mostly been trying to do is lead by example, which has worked somewhat as I mentioned.

I am curious what your opinion of this situation is. I don’t recall ever hearing you discuss grooming/shaving preferences on the show or blog before, but I may have missed it or forgotten if you did. Specifically, I’m wondering how much “say” a spouse should be allowed to have over their partner’s shaving  – perhaps none at all, I really don’t know.

I really don’t think he would mind doing better by me, at least in theory. My worry is that the pandemic and working from home etc have somehow unleashed a demon of laziness in him that he’s having a hard time getting rid of. If it was just the body hair OR the beard, I would feel more able to tackle this on my own by talking it out with him, but it’s both … also I feel like the beard has become part of his identity in some way that I don’t fully understand. Like he wants to be this kind of lazy schlub who is master of his castle in some sloppy way, I don’t know how to explain it. He knows I don’t like it but so far, he doesn’t seem to get what a turnoff it is for me. Do I have the right to ask him to shave it? If I had to pick between losing either the beard or the body hair, I’m honestly not sure which I’d choose. Again, he does know my preference but it seems like he’s “going through” something, and I’m not sure if it’s good to intervene.

Also, I think about my own appearance and if, say, I dyed my hair some unusual color and he didn’t like it, I’m not sure I would want to hear him ask me to change it back. But then, my hair color wouldn’t really change the tactile feeling of kissing the way my husband’s beard does. (And it smells too! )

Anyway, thanks for reading and your thoughts on this situation will be appreciated.

The question is basically “how much power do I have here to get what I want?”  I mean, it was worded far nicer than that, but that’s largely what it boils down to, which, I think is probably the wrong way to go about it.

Arguing about who has the power in the relationship never goes well.  If you’ve gotten to that, it’s likely because you’re failing at communicating.

Similarly, judging your spouse, or anyone really, on what you would do in their shoes is rarely productive without you being invited to do so.  If you start doing that, then you’re failing at having a loving mindset.

I think maybe there’s a better approach here.

I’d probably be direct (because men often don’t do subtle well) and ask, not demand, for what you want.  Something like “Honey, I miss seeing you without the beard.  I miss kissing your face and not feeling scratches.  I miss kissing other things and feeling them smooth too…  Would you be willing to go back to that for me?”

He’s either going to say “Sure!” and go shave, or, he’s going to say “Let me think about it”, and then maybe you can have a discussion and figure out what he wants.  Maybe, like many men, he’s struggling with the question “am I a real man?” and I don’t mean in the transgender way, but in the classic “is this what I’m supposed to be doing in life?” sort of way.  For some men, a beard helps them feel … well, like a man. 

For other, it’s simply efficient.  I mean, I don’t shave my beard because who has time for that?! Now, it helps that my wife prefers me with a beard, so that’s not a conflict.  

If he comes back with an “I’d rather keep it”, then ask if he could trim it and wash it more often.

If nothing changes, then, you, very delicately say something along the lines of “Can we talk about your beard again?  I’m struggling with being attracted to you and looking forward to sex with it in its current state.  It seems important to you, so I’m not asking for you to just get rid of it, but I also want to be attracted to my husband, so I’m wondering how we can make this work if there’s something we could do that meets both of our needs.  I’m having trouble coming up with ideas, and I was hoping you might have some.”

Then you have an adult discussion, like adults.

Question 8 – Does Viagara work for women?

Is Sildenafil (Viagra) effective for women?  If so, what are the experiences?

There’s a lot of conflicting data as well as opinions and anecdotal evidence on this.  The short list, from what I can decipher is:

1. If you’re taking an SSRI, there’s a higher chance it will help.
2. If you have Multiple Sclerosis, it may help with lubrication.
3. If you are post-menopausal, it will likely help more than pre-menopausal.
4. If you struggle to orgasm, it has a chance to help there.

That’s the best I can do.  Of course, you can be taking an SSRI while having MS, being post-menopausal and struggling to orgasm and it not help at all.

Or you can be not on any meds, younger, healthy, and multi-orgasmic and it helps a lot.  It’s just your chances of it helping are higher if you fit one of the above categories, according to the studies I could find.

Ultimately, you’d have to try for yourself.  We haven’t tried ourselves so I can’t give any personal experiences.  

Question 9 – How do I stop her from seeing me as submissive?

Jay,

I really enjoy your podcast and have listened to many of your episodes. I think I understand your stance on the husband being the head of the household and the possible complications when a wife is dominant in the bedroom and when it carries over into the rest of the marriage. My question is that I really enjoy being submissive in the bedroom. I enjoy it when my wife takes the lead and is in control. I’ve asked her what she prefers and she says she liked when I was dominant in the past, but now that she’s seen how submissive I can be, it’s hard for her to view me as convincingly dominant again.  She said she views me as being naturally more submissive. Is this wrong and how do I show her that I can be dominant again if that’s what she prefers? 

Yeah, and that is the answer I get from a lot of women – that it changes how they look at their husbands, for many both inside and outside of the bedroom.  They struggle to see them as, frankly, competent adults.  Of course, it’s not all, some can compartmentalize, but statistically, men are better at compartmentalizing than women and women tend to have one global context in which everything affects it.

You can argue with the theory of that all you want if it offends you, but I’m telling you what I hear from wives in practice.

As for how to fix it – well, I suppose you would practice being more dominant again, and over time, her views would likely shift back. Brains are plastic after all and we can build new neuropathways.

Question 10 – No sex due to pregnancy complications

Hi Jay,

Firstly, thank you for all that you do!

Presently, I am pregnant and there have been some complications and risks with the pregnancy, so my husband and I have been told by the doctors we cannot have sex (specifically I am not allowed to have penetration, an orgasm, or any sexual stimulation).  I also have to be careful with my movements and exercises. We know it is not forever, but it has been emotionally difficult the past couple of months. I feel closest to my husband through physical intercourse.  Do you have any other suggestions for us to be intimate?

Thanks! 

Well, I don’t know if you’re still pregnant, so this may be for others who are in the same situation.  We’ve had a small version of that going on at our house.  My wife sustained an injury a few weeks ago that left her in a lot of pain with an expected recovery time of about 2-3 months.  So, as it stands, it’s been about a month since we’ve had sex, and, well, it’s not been a picnic.  I mean, really, both of us are managing and we’re okay, but if something happens where there’s a conflict, it’s definitely harder for both of us to manage.  In other words, it’s more likely to escalate into someone saying something stupid, or both of us saying stupid things.

And, yeah, it feels lonely, even though they’re still there.  But there isn’t anything you can do about it.  It will pass eventually, and life will continue.

I think the biggest thing is to keep communicating about it.  Share that it’s frustrating and that you can’t wait to get back to normal.  When you can’t be physically intimate, be emotionally intimate by sharing the burden.

There are options of course.  For me, sex is about more than just orgasms.  If I was unable to have an orgasm for some medical reason for an extended period of time, I would still 100% be interested in helping my wife have orgasms.  There’s no question about it.  However, with the situation reversed, my wife would really struggle to switch gears to do anything sexual knowing that she can’t fully participate.  That would just be too tall a mountain to climb, especially if using a lot of energy to heal (or grow a person in your case), and there’s nothing you can do about that.

So, share what you can, even if all that is is a shared frustration with the situation.  

Question 11 – Wife struggles with overeating

Hi Jay, my wife has always struggled with her weight. For as long as I’ve known her, she has acknowledged that she uses food as a source of comfort. She has worked to lose the weight but seems to gain it all back, plus more, within a year. I have empathy for her, she’s my best friend, and I see her attempt to lose weight but am also frustrated that she lacks the self-discipline and dedication to embrace a healthy lifestyle in the longterm, with physical exercise, reduced portions, and a nutritious diet.  No more bingeing on fast food for 8 months and then trying to lose the weight with ‘dieting’. When she comes home from work and says she’s “not hungry” I grow suspicious and assume she went to a fast food restaurant on her way home. I have found receipts in her wallet from fast food restaurants for excessive amounts of unhealthy food. For example, today I found a receipt for 3 breakfast sandwiches all eaten at the same time which totalled up to over 1300 calories!! These types of habits are what lead to weight gain. When we do eat out together, she will often eat just as much as I do, even though her caloric needs are well below mine.  Full disclosure I am 190 lbs,  work to stay in good shape, not over-weight, watch what I eat, and praise be to God, I don’t have any known health problems.  I’m no athlete but I do exercises 2-3 times per week, and I just want her to do the same, nothing more. Every time I have brought this up to her, she becomes very offended i.e. ‘hurt’ and gets angry because I  “don’t love her the way she is”… To be honest her weight gain has decreased my level of attraction to her and has negatively impacted our sex life. She has a very low libido and the weight gain hurts her self-image as well. I love her and I want her to be healthy and happy, but I think some of her choices are hindering this. She is bordering on obese and I don’t see a loving and long-term solution to this problem. Also, I should note that she has never been pregnant, she doesn’t have thyroid problems or any other health issue that would keep her from losing the weight. She just says she has a ‘slow metabolism’. What should I do?

Wow, your wife sounds like me.

Overweight – check.

Lost a bunch and put it back on – check.

Uses food as a source of comfort – I did as a teen, now I think it’s just a habit to eat when there’s food.

Lack the self-discipline – I mean, it probably looks like that from the outside.  I mean, I’ve done a 16-day water fast before.  I’ve taken up running in the past and woke up early every morning to run.  I know I have self-discipline.  It’s not quite that, but when it comes to my weight – I just don’t pay enough attention to it, and when I don’t, it gets out of control.

Make stupid choices about food when I’m out – Yep!  Especially when you have a habit.  I had to stop walking on one side of the street at my job a few years back because I would pass a bulk food store, and every time I would go in and buy a bag of candy.  It was such a habit, I usually didn’t even realize I was doing it until I left the store and went “Now why did I do that?”

She’s is bordering on obese – I’ve been “obese” since high school.  But then I’m a tall, broad-shouldered person – the best I could hope for is “overweight” by the textbooks. “Normal” would probably look skeletal.

As for the defensiveness, my guess is she feels defeated about it.  I would also guess that she feels scared you don’t love her because of how she is because she struggles to as well.  That would explain why she gets defensive because it’s easier to get angry than be scared.

So, what should you do?  That’s a good question.  

Don’t nag – all you’re going to do is push more self-loathing/apathy/resignation about it.  I think praise the small things you do notice her doing.  You have to be careful here – don’t make it patronizing.  It has to be honest and genuine, but if you really love her, then it should be easy to be genuine about praising her for things you want her to do.

Invite her to do things, but don’t push.  My wife trained to be a group fitness instructor and was running boot camp-style classes.  I hate boot camps. I like martial arts.  She tried inviting me to her boot camps a couple of times.  I tried once and decided it wasn’t for me.  If she had kept inviting me, that probably would have annoyed me because I would have felt unheard.  But, I didn’t mind the questions of “are you going to Karate tonight?” Because they were helpful and something I liked doing.

But she would also invite me for walks, which I liked because it was half an hour of just the two of us, no kids.  

Lastly, ask her how you can help her.  Don’t ask if she wants help – because that’s too easy to say, “no” to out of embarrassment.  She might still say “I don’t need help”, but I’d start there at least.  If she wants help, then ask her how you can help, don’t push your ideas onto her unless she asks for it.

Anyways, that’s a start.  Ultimately – she has to want to do it.  So pray for God’s help in nudging her in that direction.  But she has to make up her own mind.  

Question 12 – How do I stop masturbating

I am 36 never married, I was molested as a child by an uncle and then by 2 different cousins. As a result, I began masturbating at a very young age. I desire a relationship but that’s beside the point. How do I, as a single person stop masturbating and reverse the damage that it’s done to my ability to connect with people and build relationships?

The how to stop is tricky because it’s different for everyone.  Some just stop cold-turkey.  Most have a lot of starts and stops.  Some struggle for the rest of their lives, while others manage to put it behind them.  Some join accountability groups, others get coaching or therapists.  I’ve seen no consistent method that works for everyone to be honest.  You have to figure out your “why”.

If you want, send me an email and I’ll do my best to help you find resources that can help you, but this question is a bit too vague to try and give a solid answer to.

On top of that, I’d just start forming platonic relationships.  Volunteering at church is a pretty good way because you get to come in contact with Christians who are more than just Christians in name.  They’re at least giving of their time.  Don’t go for romantic relationships right away, just make friends.  

Question 13 – Anal fisting

My wife and I love it when she pegs me and then puts her fist up in my butt and has intercourse with me with her fist, it is very pleasurable and fun as since I turned 50 years old, am now 70. I do not get hard enough for action. Is this a good Christian thing to do? If not, it sure feels good.

I have a post on pegging here, you’re welcome to go check it out.

That’s it for today.  Don’t forget to check out the Intimacy Advent Calendar and the AMA event on the 22nd of November.

As always, thank you to all my supporters, always who keep everything running and going. We have some great discussions about all these questions when they come in.  If you’re interested in being a supporter or you want to see the questions as they comment or ask your own questions in a group of Christians that are focused on improving their marriages, check out our supporters page and see if it’s something for you.