SWM 087 – January 2022 Anonymous Questions

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Welcome to another installment of our answers to readers’ anonymous questions submitted on our Have A Question page.  These ones are coming to us from January and February’s will be coming up soon.  I also have a couple of other posts planned to release in the coming weeks, so stay tuned.

In the meantime, let’s get to the questions.

Question 1

I am new to your podcast but I have been listening to them and I am totally in love with them. So my husband and I have been married for a little over a year. My husband is 15 years older than me. We were friends prior to dating. When we were friends he would talk to me about his past sex life and it was full of sex. He was having sex with multiple people, masturbating, watching porn, the list could go on. When we started dating our sex life was good and we were having sex 3-4 times a week and having oral sex daily. About a year into us dating, our sex life started to deplete. Oral sex was almost non-existent on his end and intercourse was maybe every 2 weeks. When we began talking about the issue we started to think maybe there was an issue with his testosterone because he was having other symptoms of low T. He went to the dr and found out he has extremely low T. He was prescribed T shots to do every 2 weeks. Those did not last. He would do them, then not do them, do them, then not do them. There was no consistency so they never really worked like they were supposed to. He then talked to his dr about the “magic pill”. He was put on Cialis. He does not take them even though he has them. I ask him why and he says either it is not working as it should or he just does not want to take it. Currently, we are in year 4 of being together. We have sex now maybe every 2 months or so and I am the only one that will give oral. In those 2 months, I will give oral probably 5-6 times and I get nothing in return. I have asked him to give me oral because that is something I truly enjoy but he won’t do it. When I ask him why he never gives me an answer. It has even gotten to the point where when I am getting in or out of the shower I make an effort to stand next to him naked or brush up against him and he will either move out of the way or never look in my direction. When we do have sex or I give him oral he can never finish with me even though he says it feels good and makes motions like I am going to be able to make him reach climax. Despite all of the talking and motions, he has to masturbate himself to complete. When he is masturbating, he keeps his eyes closed like he is thinking about something else or in another place.

When I attempt to talk to him about the situation or the fact that I feel like my needs aren’t being met he tells me to go get a toy and use it. While I understand that a toy will meet my physical needs it will not meet my emotional needs. I love my husband and I want to feel him or have him use the toy on me and we spend that time together. When I tell him no or ask him will he do it for me he tells me he is not interested and watches TV or plays on his phone/ ipad. While I know low T is a true medical condition and is something that could crush a man’s ego I also feel like there is still something he could do to help meet my needs and we still feel that intimate connection. I have asked about speaking with someone therapy-wise or maybe seeking other medical ways to handle the low T, he tells me no or that I can go see a therapist but he’s not. I feel like there would be no point in me going to see a therapist about sex when sex is between two people and I also have a high sex drive.

Am I wrong with anything I am doing? What can I do to help our sex life? I understand low T can cause ED and sometimes that has to be handled other ways than just typical sex and I am ok with that but when he is not doing anything to meet my needs or even willing to that hurts. Sometimes I feel like he isn’t attracted to me because of this and him not looking at me. Is he?

I am sorry for the long post but I have never been able to talk to anyone or express all of my concerns. Thanks for any help or advice you could give.

Signed,

A hopefully 28-year-old

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Alright, so, we have a few things going on here, as usual.

Let’s start at the beginning and work our way forward.  To start, he had what sounds like a very active and varied sex life before you.  In short, he trained himself to have wildly exciting sex with various partners.  When that’s what you’ve trained your brain to expect from sex during your sexually formative years, well, that’s going to cause some issues.  Thankfully our brains can be retrained, but, yeah, it can be hard and slow.

In addition to that, often people who jump from relationship to relationship (or person to person without a relationship) really struggle when the infatuation wears off and the relationship has to mature into actual love.  Most of us start relationships because it makes us feel good.  In short, we don’t love them.  We just love how they make us feel.  It can take people a while to change into that sort of relationship where you love sacrificially rather than selfishly.

Lastly, I think testosterone is likely a large issue here.  Between the lack of interest in sex and the lack of ambition to fix it, I think I’d take another run at that.  Cialis isn’t going to help much without a sex drive.  In our supporters’ forum, we had someone suggest looking into injected pellets rather than shots.  They last much longer and don’t have the same “quick increase, quick decrease” as the shots in their experience.

In short, I think this is likely all about him and not anything you are or have done.

Also, I think I’d actually go and see a therapist for yourself so that you can get the support you need.  They may be able to offer tools and in-context help for you, and through you for your husband.  I find with many of these things like counselling, coaching and therapy, often one spouse is reluctant, or downright against it until they see the changes in the relationship.  Then they come around.  But even if they don’t, at least you can help get support for yourself.

Lastly, if you want to have a space where you can be comfortable talking about the issues and get support from wives in similar situations, check out our supporter’s forum.  You won’t be alone there as we have a few higher drive wives and a women’s only section where you can have a community where it’s safe to share.

Question 2

We’ve been married for 40 years, because of how she was raised as a child to believe sex was dirty and sex was not to be talked about, she has never talked about what she found sexually satisfying, because of being embarrassed. Sex was good at one time but now marriage is tough. Now it’s to the point she has totally stopped with sex and still refuses to talk about anything sexual. In our early years, she did enjoy sex and was open to all kinds of sex and many risky places. She loved oral as much as I loved satisfying her with oral. Now it’s a sexless marriage. We had sex just two times last year and yes she wanted oral both times. I pleasured her with three orgasms in 40 mins with oral orgasms both times before I orgasm. How do I get her to remember sex was good before? Is there any way I could help her get over feeling embarrassed, or feel ashamed, and especially feeling guilty about the types of sex she definitely enjoyed before?

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40 years is a long time to try and address this now.  That said, it’s not impossible.  But you can’t fix it if she won’t talk about it.  I think I’d start with our free ebook called Where did my sex drive go?  Ask her if she’d read it with you.  

If she won’t, then maybe try marriage counselling which may help create a space where she feels safe to talk.  I think the first step is being able to open a line of communication though.

Question 3

Hello, I am a 31-year-old woman and I am facing an intimacy dilemma in my Marriage. I married my spouse very quickly after only dating for 2 months. I had previously come out of a string of not the most Christian-like relationships and found my spouse who was everything I was looking for spiritually. The only problem is I never really had any physical attraction to him. But since I was trying to attempt to correct my not-so-great dating patterns in the past I figured at long as we are both following God the physical attraction will come. We’ve been married for almost 2 years now and that hasn’t been the case. Sex is extremely hard for me, it gives me anxiety l, it feels awkward and I am nowhere near as attracted to my partner as previous partners in the past. This has caused a huge strain on our marriage as my spouse knows this and feels betrayed. I am working on trying to change my mindset but it is very very difficult. I’ve deleted social media to help me not look at people that I compare to my husband but I can turn on the TV or walk outside and find so many other people that I would be more attracted to. I found this podcast in an attempt to try to get information on how to change and be better so that my marriage can survive. We rarely have sex and I know this gets to my spouse a lot. I feel like if I don’t change this marriage will not last. Is this a common problem? And what else can I do about it? What is the easiest way to change my mindset? 

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Is it a common problem?  I’m honestly not sure. I don’t have any stats either way.  It’s certainly not unheard of though.  For example, if I recall, Martin Luther wasn’t originally physically attracted to his wife, and many many people have I’m sure been in similar situations when marriages were arranged.

However, what I do know from multiple studies is that our brains have a tendency to rewire themselves in order to make us feel more content if we let them.  So, the fact that you married him and you’re around a lot, should work towards that goal.  That said, our brains also tend to exaggerate whatever we focus on.  So, if you’ve spent the last 2 years focusing on how you’re not attracted to him – guess what your brain is going to point out a lot.

So, I’d suggest trying four things:

First, find non-physical things you are attracted to about him.  Since he’s everything you were looking for spiritually, that shouldn’t be hard.  Focusing on what you do find attractive about him will help.

Second, try to find something, anything, that you find physically attractive about him.  Shoulders? Hair? Calves? A caring smile? Whatever. Then compliment him on them.

Third, the lack of sex is likely not helping either of you.  As you likely know, sex involves a ton of hormones, many of the same hormones that are involved in attraction.  Simply having frequent, and good, sex with your spouse is more likely to make you more attracted to them.  So, limiting the frequency of sex is likely not only hurting your spouse but yourself as well.  

Lastly, many wives struggle to be sexually engaged and express many of the same feelings you have, even when they’re physically attracted to their spouse.  Other wives have great sex lives despite a lack of general physical attraction.  The two don’t necessarily correlate.  So, one thing you can try is to check out our Becoming More Sexually Engaged course and then ramp up being sexually engaged, which will lead back to point number three – more sex tends to lead to more attraction.

Question 4

G’day Jay

I think you’re doing a great job with the podcasts, keep up the good work.

My wife and I have been married for 7 years and I think we have a fairly good sex life still, sex maybe one or two times a week.

I do try and suggest things to my wife to spice things up in the bedroom but she is dead set against it. Sex toys, or even if I ask her to say something sexy to me she won’t do it, eventually she said she didn’t want to because she somehow associates saying sexy things is related to porn.

What can I say to her to convince her that it’s ok?

She also used to give me blow jobs which I love and I’ve told her how much I do love it but she seems to think it’s degrading, I used to give her oral sex too but she doesn’t want me to do that, she says it feels nice but it doesn’t seem to make her climax.

What should I say to her in regards to her thinking it’s degrading to give me a blow job?

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It sounds like she has been taught some very limiting beliefs about sex.  I’d probably say something like “Dear, I know we’ve been struggling to be on the same page regarding sex and what’s considered moral and not.  I was wondering if you’d be willing to do a bible study with me to see what the Bible says about sex.  I’ve heard there’s a great one called Intimacy Ignited that has lessons as well as questions for discussion and I was hoping we could read it together and talk about it so I can understand your perspective better.”

That sends the message that you’re not trying to force an opinion on her, that you want your shared beliefs to be bible-based, and also that you want to be able to understand her perspective better.  I think it would be hard to claim the moral high ground while also denying any discussion and bible study.

Question 5

Not sure what my GF means by “I don’t consider what we do as sex”.  For background, we were watching or reading something on a social media platform about female orgasm in which after watching or reading, I asked if she wanted to go have sex and try it out, in which her reply was “I don’t consider what we do as sex”.  for further background, I am closing in on 50 and she is late 30’s.  I have never considered myself a great lover as far as my member goes, in truth I have a short fuse that goes off anywhere from 2 to 5 minutes.  I also tend to need a pill to get going nowadays.  Even after I have completed my act, I keep going (thanks to the pill) for as long as I can (I’ve gone up to almost 30minutes) to the point where I feel like my member is going to fall off and my boys explode.  I truly feel like I am doing the best I can.  In past relationships, knowing my shortcomings, I made up with foreplay, oral, toys, I did whatever was needed to make them happy and give them an orgasm.  Current GF doesn’t like oral, tells me that my member is the perfect size for her.  She can’t orgasm unless she’s on top.  Maybe I’m just too old fashion in thought as I always thought you were either A. making Love or b. Having sex.  Is there a third I don’t know about?

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So, to start right off the bat – this is a Christian community and I would be remiss if I didn’t say that I don’t think you should be having sex, making love, or doing anything else along those lines until you’re married.

That said, I’m going to answer the question because I think many people might struggle with the same questions.  Also, this started a really interesting discussion in our forum about what actually constitutes sex.  We couldn’t get a good enough definition to make everyone happy and cover all the bases, but it was interesting to see all the perspectives.

But either way, I’m going to say that, no, there is no third type, there isn’t even a second.  Sex is sex.  Now, the context, feelings, etc. might change – but it doesn’t change the activity.  It’s sex.  Now, you may not like the word, and it may feel uncomfortable to say it so you prefer a euphemism like “making love” or something else, but let’s be clear – it’s a euphemism.  It’s still the same activity. If you disagree with me, please, let me hear your thoughts in the comments.

As for the questioner – you’ll have to ask her what she means by “I don’t consider what we do sex” because that doesn’t make any sense to me.

That’s it for January’s questions.  February’s are coming up shortly as well as some others, as mentioned, so stay tuned.  If you have a question of your own, you can either contact me here, or submit it on our Have A Question page.  Alternatively, you can join our support forum and ask a question there.