SWM 086 – Sex with a well endowed husband

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Today we’re going to answer a question about having sex with a well-endowed husband.  This question came in a while ago, and since I hadn’t answered it before and I felt there was a lot of information to share, I thought I’d split it off into its own post.  So, let’s talk about the struggles of having a larger-than-average-sized penis.

Before we get to that though, if you’re still looking for something for Valentine’s Day, we have our Sexy Memory printable available in the store for only $10.  This printable is a favourite among wives because it checks a lot of boxes for many of them.  It slows down foreplay, it shakes things up a bit, and the fact that random chance is dictating the moves allows them to experience some really good, guilt-free sex because they can feel like they’re not responsible for what goes on.  

So, if you’re looking for a way to spice up your Valentine’s Day, check out our Sexy Memory printable.

Now, on to the question.

Hi Jay, 

I’ve been listening to your podcast for about a month and I’ve been so pleasantly surprised. Often I think sex-positive Christians have very poor theology and don’t hold up scripture as an authority and I’m so grateful to have a resource that feels trustworthy. 

I’ve been married for a few years now, and before I got married I was a virgin as was my wife. Before getting married I thought that my penis size was going to be a huge asset. I’m fairly large in both length and girth. Unfortunately, my size seems to be more of a hindrance than a benefit. Even with lots of foreplay and lube my wife is often sore afterwards, so even if she is in the mood, we have to wait until she’s no longer sore. Some positions have become off-limits for fear of hitting her cervix. She is usually unable to have an orgasm with me inside even if I primarily am just providing manual stimulation. It doesn’t feel good to be told to pull out and only use my hand, but I do want her to feel good so I gladly do it. Oral sex rarely happens because her jaw is often sore later. In general, I’m very satisfied with our sex life, but I often feel bad about my size, that it makes sex worse for her, but it also limits the things we’re able to do together. So I guess my question is, what advice do you have for bigger guys? I feel like I’m doing what I can to help, including just ordering the thrust buffer that you mentioned in another episode. Waiting for that to arrive. Anything to help with penetrative or oral sex? Or do I just accept that sex will always take a bit more work? I know that God made my body good and that I should love it, but sometimes it’s hard to love the penis he gave me when it seems to cause problems. 

Now, this reader added measurements, but I took them out because ultimately, they don’t matter.  Because it’s less an issue of your size, and more a combination of your size and hers, and I think many others deal with similar issues and I don’t want to devalue that if they’re smaller or larger.

So, besides the marital aid you mentioned, which is called the OhNut for those who are interested, let’s go through the list of things that you can do to help with this dynamic.

Get her very aroused

The most common advice is to get your wife extremely aroused.  According to lots of surveys and studies, many women need about 10-40 minutes to get fully aroused.  Arousal can help in a few ways.

The first is that vaginas elongate and also widen as women get more aroused.  So, if you’re starting with her in a cold/unaroused state, you’re going to have a lot more trouble than if she’s extremely aroused simply because the internal dimensions will change.

Because of this, I’m afraid quickies might be off the table for people in this situation.  Carve out more time, learn how to get her very turned on, engage in lots of foreplay and incorporate other kinds of sex (manual, oral) before heading towards PIV (penis-in-vagina) penetrative sex.

Get her to have an orgasm first

Assuming she has orgasms, which it sounds like she does, as part of that preparation, consider getting her to orgasm first, before you start with penetration.  Not only does this require that she at least be somewhat aroused, but orgasm also releases endorphins which can help with any discomfort.

Have an orgasm yourself first

Now, this might be tricky depending on your refractory rate.  For some guys, they can’t get an erection for hours, or even days after an orgasm, but for many, it’s more like 20 – 60 minutes.

If your refractory period is relatively short, consider having an orgasm yourself first as well.  For many men, a second erection tends to not be as large, which may lessen the gap between your size and what she can comfortably handle.

Track her cycle and plan activities accordingly

In addition to the changes experienced during arousal, there are also changes during a woman’s monthly cycles.  In particular, you want to be looking for when ovulation occurs.  

During ovulation, to prepare for potential insemination, the cervix moves up and gets “mushier”.  This means that not only is there more room within the vagina to thrust without hitting the cervix, but if you do, it won’t be as hard, which means it likely won’t be as uncomfortable.

If you don’t know how to track cycles, or your wife isn’t already doing so, I find the easiest way to track is an app called Clue.  We like it, because not only does it make tracking easy for my wife, but I can also add the app in a sort of spectator mode so that I can see her cycle and where we are in it.

Choose shallower positions

As well, you can choose positions that either give her more control, or that don’t allow for as much depth.  

The problem is that many positions that give her more control, also tend to lead to more depth, so there may be a conflict there in that it’s more work for her to keep it at a comfortable depth.  The easier way is to find positions where depth isn’t as easy to achieve.

As a general rule, any position where her legs are together is more likely to impede deep penetration and so much be more comfortable for her.  The legs also create a sort of longer “tunnel” as it were to penetrate, so that might make it more stimulating for you as well.

Some, some ideas are:

1. Missionary – with her legs together.  ChristianFriendlySexPositions.com calls this the “cowboy” position.
2. Doggy style – with her legs together (aka When in doubt)
3. Prone – (aka Down Low – but try without the pillow)
4. Spooning
5. Side-by-side – spooning, but facing each other
6. Standing positions – like the column

And there are lots more.  In fact, you can check out ChristianFriendlySexPositions.com and filter for positions for Well-Endowed Man.  A fun foreplay activity might be to sort of go “shopping” for positions and mark off ones you want to try.  I mean, you don’t have to try them all in a night, just make a list in a night, then slowly start to cycle through them and see which work and which don’t.

Consider using lubricant

Now, lube in this situation can be a double-edged sword.  On the one hand, it will help everything slide easier with less friction.  On the other hand, it can make you slip in further than intended much easier which might cause some discomfort.  So, you’ll have to try it yourself.  You may want to opt for trying some thicker lubes, which sort of straddle the line between being slippery, but not too slippery.  

I reached out to MarriedDance and asked them for their favourite, and they suggested Slippery Stuff Extra Gentle Gel Water-Based Personal Lubricant.  

They have a few more in their catalogue, and the System Jo H2O Jelly Original Thick Water-Based Personal Lubricant caught my eye because I like just about every lube System Jo puts out.  So, there are a few ideas.

A note on girth

I wasn’t sure where else to put this, so I’m just going to insert it here.  There’s not much you can do about girth other than getting her more aroused, and going slow with lots of foreplay.  The vagina is designed to stretch.  A lot.  Babies go through it, and I doubt anyone reading this is going to have a baby-sized penis.  

Now, of course, birthing comes with a lot of discomfort and usually pain, but we’re talking about something much smaller.  Many women like that feeling of being stretched, so long as they’re sufficiently aroused.  That’s why sex toy stores make large toys, and people engage in activities like fisting.

That’s not to say everyone enjoys that sensation, only that the vagina can stretch to accommodate larger penises.  But, it takes arousal, lube, and patience.

Of course, counterproductively, the more you stress and have anxiety about it, the less able you will be to relax.

I should also note that once you do give birth, often women find dealing with this to be much easier. 

Oral sex

Lastly, let’s talk about how to mitigate the struggles with oral sex.

The first way is to practice.  I think everyone (regardless of gender) gets a sore mouth, jaw, neck, shoulders, etc. from performing oral sex when you first start.  They’re muscles we don’t typically use in that fashion.  But, the more practice you have, the easier it gets, because, well, you strengthen and stretch those muscles and ligaments.  

If you really want to try stretching your jaw muscles in particular faster, dentists have a procedure they use to increase the aperture of the mouth.  In short, you get a bunch of popsicle sticks or tongue depressors, stack them together vertically, held by a rubber band.  Put the stack into your mouth between your top and bottom rows of front teeth and hold it for several minutes.  Then add another popsicle stick and repeat. 

Now, the problem here is that people who don’t perform oral sex often don’t build up those muscles or stretch those tissues, and so on the rare occasion that they do it, they get sore quickly and easily.  Add to that that their obvious discomfort can be a turn-off, and, well, oral sex can last longer under those conditions.

Whereas those who do it a lot have a lot more stamina, less discomfort, and enjoy giving more, this, in turn, tends to make the receiver enjoy it more because what tends to really turn on men, in particular, is seeing their spouse enjoy sex.  This can have the effect of shortening oral sex because they orgasm faster.

Of course, jumping from the first scenario to the second is difficult, because you have to go through the discomfort.  It’s like taking up running.  It’s difficult to start. (Sidenote: I first said “it sucks”, and that felt a little punny.  Then I wrote “it’s hard” … not any better).  You have to go through the difficult part to get to the enjoyment.

To make matters worse, if a husband goes to his wife and says “you just have to push through the discomfort”, well, he’ll look like a selfish jerk.  There’s no way I can think of for husbands to relay this information to their wives that doesn’t result in some negative emotions.  

The second way is to simply not put the penis in your mouth.  Instead, use your tongue.  You can provide a lot of pleasure using just your tongue, lips and hands.  For many men, licking the frenulum in particular (on the underside of the head) can provide a lot of stimulation.

Likewise, you can just put the tip of the head in your mouth and your hands on the rest of the penis.  

So, you may have to get a bit more creative, but oral sex is certainly still doable.  You just have to shed some of the stereotypes of what oral sex looks like.

Get creative

At the end of the day, you may have to drop some of your expectations of what sex might look like for you.  Don’t focus so much on what you can’t do, but rather explore and try things you can do.  One idea might be to try outercourse – that is, rubbing/sliding your penis through her vulva and across her clitoris.  This is more likely to cause her to orgasm, because about 30% of women don’t orgasm from penetrative sex, and may just work for you better as a couple.

That’s all I have to recommend on the topic of having sex with a well-endowed husband.  Now, if you’re in a similar position in your marriage and have any tips, tricks, positions, etc., please comment below (anonymously if you like) and help this couple out by sharing them.