SWM 082 – October 2021 Questions – Consensual adultery, caught masturbating, handjobs with condoms and more
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Here we are for another monthly roundup of our anonymous questions from our Have A Question page, these ones are coming from October 2021. Hopefully, I’ll get this out before November ends.
Before we get to the 7 questions we have today though, I want to let you know that if you’re reading this before December 1st, you still have time to check out our Intimacy Advent Calendar, but not much time. Soon it’s going to be gone again for another year.
And, as previously mentioned, if you aren’t interested in buying it, but still want to play along at home, check out our Instagram page where I’ll be posting a card every day from December 1st until Christmas.
Oh, and lastly, we’re running a Black Friday/Cyber Monday deal – 50% off all digital products in the shop, just use the coupon code BLACKFRIDAY2021.
With that out of the way, let’s get on to the questions.
Question 1
Why do many couples today believe that if the other approves of their cheating with someone outside the marriage, it is not considered adultery?
It’s because people have taken God out of their lives. Marriage used to be a vow made before God that, among other things, you would only have sex with them. It wasn’t just a promise to the spouse, but a promise to God, because you believed that His way was good and right. So, then it doesn’t matter if your spouse thinks it’s okay – because God doesn’t, and your vow was to Him as well.
But we’ve taken God out of marriages. As well, we’ve taken the idea of absolute morality out of the mindset of most people as well – the idea that some things are just wrong, no matter what the circumstance is. Whereas Christianity is founded on the idea of “God is always right, and we are always sinful and so our desires are circumspect”, our society has moved towards an idea of “I am god, and my desires are always right”.
This is just an extension of that mentality – if I think it’s okay and my spouse thinks it’s okay, then it must be okay because our desires are the only thing that matters because there is no objective morality.
Question 2
I have a situation that recently happened and I am not sure how to handle it. I’m married with 2 kids, a 12-year-old boy almost 10-year-old daughter.
I came home early the other day and what I saw was horrifying. My kids sometimes use our bathroom to shower. I got home and I walked into my bedroom and I realized someone was in my bathroom the door was open a crack and in the bathroom mirror, I could clearly see that my son was MB and not sure what is worse seeing this or the next thing I notice he has a pair of my dirty panties in his hand. I was floored. He didn’t see me and I walked out. I haven’t told my husband as he would punish him.
I asked a couple of other moms and they kind of just laughed and said all men do this and it’s normal for men to use women’s dirty underwear.
Any advice.
Don’t leave your underwear lying around?
Honestly though, yeah, you should probably talk to your son. Now, I personally believe solo masturbation is an activity that’s going to set you up for failure in the long term (my reasoning is here if you want to disagree), but whether or not you agree with that assessment, I think it’s perfectly reasonable to have a discussion that:
- Sex (solo or not) shouldn’t involve people other than your spouse – that includes people accidentally walking by and seeing you, so it should probably be somewhere private
- That he should respect other people’s property and masturbating using your underwear is a violation of that
I think it’s also important to remember he’s twelve years old, and if you don’t have open conversations about sex, then how is he supposed to know what’s acceptable behaviour and what isn’t? So, there’s no reason to get upset at him – he frankly likely doesn’t know any better, and at this stage, that’s more an outcome of your conversations with him, or lack thereof, than anything else.
Question 3
My wife prefers to give me handjobs with a condom on. She finds it much easier for clean-up and likes not having to worry about where and when I finish. She puts some lube inside a condom and then she will give me a handjob with everything inside. It feels better without a condom, which she will do once in a while for me, but I like it with one OK too. Is it common for Christian couples to use condoms for handjobs? Should I support her by wearing one?
—
Hello,
My wife has a lower sex drive than I do so she frequently gives me hand relief. The sex is wonderful and I’m blessed that it’s more frequent than many couples, but my natural drive is just higher than hers. She used to always let me finish into a towel, but a while ago a married friend told her how she likes to use condoms with lube inside for her husband’s handjobs because of the easy clean-up. So we tried condoms and then my wife asked if we could start doing it that way too and I agreed. It’s not as pleasurable but it still feels great and she likes it much better than using a towel since there’s no lube or semen mess. I want to encourage the frequency of handjobs and also be considerate of her preferences. Should I make this small sacrifice and get used to wearing a condom most times since the handjobs still feel good and I have great sex and frequent handjobs to be grateful for? Or should I push for a compromise, like only with a condom on when she’s tired?
Let’s start with “is it common”? I don’t have any statistics on this, but I can tell you that two of the men in our supporter’s forum said they do the same thing in their marriage. So, you’re certainly not alone.
Should you agree to this, or should you push for a compromise? Personally, I hate the term compromise because compromising basically means both of you are losing. It describes a zero-sum game where either one or the other can win, but not both. And so, you both decide to lose a bit in order to keep the peace. I don’t like the battle mentality (you vs your spouse), nor the idea that you both have to lose in order to keep the peace.
Instead, I prefer to change the focus of the discussion. Rather than focus on what you or your wife wants, focus on what is best for the marriage. Is there a net gain between the two of you, or a net loss by using them? That’s going to be different for each marriage. This way you two can both have your “selfish” desires – for lack of a better word, but look at them in an unselfish way. What this requires though is both spouses to be honest about their desires.
For example, both these husbands say handjobs are still okay with a condom – so, the condom doesn’t negate their purpose entirely. How do the wives feel? Well, we know one is willing to do it occasionally without a condom, so not wearing a condom isn’t a deal-breaker. In that case, then it seems to make sense to use a condom most of the time as it’s likely to result in more handjobs, but keeping it so that occasionally it happens without will make it feel like the husband’s desires are also being considered.
And that’s how I’d frame the discussion. “I know you want to use condoms for handjobs, and I’m okay with that, but I’d really like us not to use them from time to time as well because I really like the skin-on-skin contact from it. It makes me feel connected. I think it would also help me feel like we’re working together to find a solution that works for both of us if those could happen occasionally.”
I hope that helps.
Question 4
I got married just over a year ago. I am filled with guilt because unknown to me my girlfriends hired 5 strippers. I was shocked because my aunt and my mom were there. Everyone had been drinking a lot. The guys stripped off needles to say all were huge. There were 12 of us. They went round everyone and put their manhood in everyone’s face. All my friends are married but 2. I was last so because I was the bride they tried to do more. They put a chair in the center of the room and I had to sit on it. They just dance to begin then one of them asked me to stand up and he sat on the chair he grabbed my hips and forced me to sit on his lap and he was grinding his penis against my vagina. I had on a short dress. He hiked my dress up to my waist in front of everyone. Being a little drunk next thing I know I am having an orgasm and everyone knows cause I am pretty loud. So embarrassing. There’s more but I just wanted to discuss this. I feel obligated to tell my husband out of guilt.
That has got to be difficult to have lived with for the last year. And scary to consider telling your still new husband.
Now, a lot of things went wrong there. There was drinking involved, friends and family who not only didn’t protect you from the activities but were complicit in them, add to that that you’re the center of attention, and I would imagine under a lot of pressure to keep the party going and not shut it down.
Unfortunately, those are just the reasons why it was harder to do the right thing – not an excuse for not doing the right thing. The reason you feel guilt is because you did something wrong – arguably a bunch of things wrong. And that’s the point of godly guilt – to push you towards repentance. I’d argue that you should apologize to your friends and family as well because you did not model a good example to them. In some ways, at this point, they need an apology more than your husband, because his life has been, so far, not directly affected by your actions, whereas theirs has.
Nevertheless, I agree, you have wronged your husband as well in this, and even setting aside whether or not it’s right to tell him, you have witnesses – and a lot of them. As well, given that alcohol seems to be a factor in your family’s lifestyle, there’s a good chance one of them is going to accidentally let something slip at some point in your life, and that’s something that might be better off getting ahead of.
I guess the implied question here is “how do I tell him”? With humility and clear remorse. Don’t try to hide what happened, don’t try to shift the blame. Take responsibility for your actions, make it clear that you made bad decisions, but that you are determined to make better ones moving forward. Apologize, then ask for forgiveness.
That’s all you can do.
Question 5
Is crossdressing normal? Still very straight but loves to wear panties. My wife hates it but I have done it from a very young age.
We get at least one crossdressing question a month these days. So, yeah, it seems to be getting more prevalent – but I don’t think it’s good. If you want to know why check out my post on crossdressing.
Question 6
Did you check out the TENUTO?
For those who don’t know, the TENUTO is a toy designed for men and couples by the company MysteryVibe. I actually own one – however, I found it big, awkward, bulky and, well, just not great.
I think it’s a neat idea, but I think it needs another generation or two of development to become practical. At this point, I’d much rather use a Tor2 if I was looking for something similar (though much simpler).
Question 7
I have been married to my wife for 18 years and have 3 kids(9, 12, and 17 years old). Our sex is ok and it’s always quick because we are so worried about the kids walking in. Lately, we have had the perfect time when the kids are asleep to be together but my wife just wants to be left alone. Also, my wife likes to lay down with our 9-year-old and fall asleep in his room. That happens about 4 times a week. I tell my wife to come to our bed but she says she wants to relax and be on social media. So basically while we are ready for bed I guess I make her not relaxed? What should I do to have my wife lay in bed with me again?
Well, firstly, I’d get a lock for the bedroom door to solve the worry about the kids walking in. They’re pretty cheap, generally easy to install with just a screwdriver and they come with instructions in case you’ve never done it before.
Then, assuming she likes massages, I’d buy her a couples massage course for Christmas, like Melt – by that I mean, you buy the course, and you learn to do the massages on her. Then you offer her massages.
This solves a few problems:
- It gets her into the bedroom at bedtime.
- It helps her relax.
- It’s an easy way to transition to foreplay and then sex.
I give my wife at least some massaging or backrub almost every day using the stuff I learned from Melt. As such, it’s become a habit for her to come in the bedroom, lock the door strip down and get into bed – every night – even if I’m not giving her a massage.
That’s how I made our bedroom a place of relaxation that my wife actually wanted to go to.
And that’s all we have for this month. I do have one more question that I’m going to answer in a separate post about husbands with low sex drives, so stay tuned for that. That question is coming up so often, I thought I’d write an entire post on it so I can refer to it in the future. So, if that’s your question – it’s coming.
Other than that, don’t forget to check out our Black Friday/Cyber Monday sale, our Intimacy Advent Calendar in particular, or check out our Instagram page to play along this season.
As always, thank you to our amazing supporters to help keep us going and helping to answer all the questions we get, as well as being my proofreaders. You all are awesome. If you want to become one, check out our donate page – by the way, our $5+ supporters get the Intimacy Advent Calendar free.
I’ve got to say, hearing of the experience of the wife who feels guilty because of strippers, it sounds like she is a victim of rape. I don’t know the whole story, and this could be something I’m injecting into what I’m hearing; but if that is the case, I hope she realizes it and seeks whatever help she needs.
Yeah, I had the exact same thought and made a few more comments below. What the stripper did is way over the line.
Thanks for sharing. I’m going to respond in the comment below as it’s longer, but wanted you to know I saw and responded to your comment.
Q3 needs a little more discussion. Why the condom? Mess is given as the excuse. I personally believe too many wives have a repulsion or negative attitude towards semen. And it’s pretty unhealthy for their sex lives and therefore marriages. It would be interesting to know how many of these condom insistent handjob wives have ever allowed semen to be ejaculated anywhere other than their vaginas. Face? Mouth? Breasts? Outside of vagina? Backside? If they haven’t, they have a problem with a perfectly clean, sterile, natural product of their husbands bodies associated with the greatest of physical pleasures. Christian wives need to loosen up and drop all prudishness when it comes to sex and semen. Easier said than done of course, but it just feels like this aspect of the question was not addressed in the answer. Regular condom use in a handjob is as silly as a husband wearing latex gloves while fingering his wife.
I don’t have any experience with how strippers at parties work, but the situation described in the above question sounds like sexual abuse to me. The bride was intoxicated, which nullifies her legal ability to give consent, and the stripper partially removing her clothes and rubbing his genitals against hers is undoubtedly sexual activity (which she describes as unwanted, in retrospect).
I accept that the bride bears some guilt in not immediately turning away the unwanted strippers, and in allowing herself to be intoxicated enough to not make the decisions she thought she should have made (though convincing a large group of intoxicated women who are throwing you a party to turn away strippers sounds like a Herculean task, to be fair). However, the strippers actions sound FAR over the line, and I wouldn’t be surprised if some of the guilt she feels is due to the fact that she was publicly molested. We know that victims of sexual abuse frequently carry around a lot of guilt, including feelings of “it’s my fault I was abused” even in situations where it couldn’t possibly be their fault (I.e. children).
All that to say, I think the situation with the stripper is more complicated than simply a wife making a bad choice and needing to apologize. The husband not only needs to forgive her, but also stand up for her against a man who has taken advantage of his wife. The wife may also benefit from speaking to a counselor in order to process this experience that has left her with so much guilt.
So, three people basically said the same thing (the two comments here and one email I got). Here was the response I gave in the email (without all the pleasantries):
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I tend to err on the side of personal responsibility. In coaching it’s more helpful than looking for a victim and an oppressor. I think also my stance against the consumption of alcohol pushes that personal responsibility even further – if you decide to get intoxicated, then you can’t really blame the alcohol for influencing you. Sort of like how I can’t speed and then blame the car for killing me if I run into a wall.
Now, I agree, there were a lot of bad choices all around here and I think what was done to her was despicable. But, in other groups of people, it would be considered socially acceptable. So, rape feels like a strong term.
And then I think to myself “what if the situation was reversed”?
If I got invited by friends to go to a bar – let’s say I drink in this scenario. We get to the bar and I realize it’s not a bar, it’s a strip club. Then they pay for a lap dance for me. I personally would accept full responsibility for my actions in that case. As I said in my response – I think it’s understandable that it would be hard for her, but that doesn’t excuse personal responsibility. Unless I was dragged into the club and tied to a chair, I don’t know how I could avoid it being my responsibility. I had multiple opportunities to say “no”. I’m not drinking, I’m not going to a bar, I’m not going in a strip club, I’m not getting a lap dance, I’m not letting this lap dance continue. Now, would my friends be responsible as well? Absolutely – they violated what they (hopefully) know my boundaries are.
But I think to call it rape is … well, I think it makes light of actual rape victims who have a traumatic experience that’s forced against their will. In this case, she seems to be a willing, if reluctantly so, participant until she realized what her decisions were leading to.
So, when I advocate for personal responsibility and choice, that’s where I tend to land.
—
But, I also said I was going to check in with a licensed therapist who has experience in abuse and trauma. And, I did. I didn’t get permission to share his name, so I won’t, but I will say he has a PhD in his field. He was also someone I haven’t had dealings with before so there would be no bias for or against me. He took the time to read the question, and listen to my response on the podcast and said that would have come to the same conclusion: It appears everything was consensual until it ended up further than she intended.
Now, some courts and university tribunals might allow for retroactively removing consent, but I think that’s ludicrous. I also think multiple things can be true – what this wife did was wrong, and what the friends and family did was wrong, and what the strippers did was wrong (I think their entire profession is wrong). This isn’t an “if she’s wrong, they’re right” sort of situation.
I hope that helps.
Even if you push towards personal responsibility I think it’s repulsive to ask a woman who was sexually assaulted (and I would definitely argue that she was assaulted) to apologize to the “friends” who set it up AND WATCHED. You did acknowledge that it was a difficult situation in the beginning, but then I think you dropped the ball.
Now, I can’t really argue with the therapist, but to me this doesn’t sound like consent:
“he grabbed my hips and forced me to sit on his lap and he was grinding his penis against my vagina”
This sounds like assault, the operative word being “forced”. Now, she could have made a huge scene, kicking and screaming, and it would’ve been better all around, I think, but
1. She shouldn’t have to, simply asking them not to should be enough.
2. In the moment (and I don’t drink either, so I have little sympathy for that as an excuse) I can understand how that is very difficult, given the social pressure of the situation. She would probably have been riddled with guilt over ruining the party instead (preferable to this variety of guilt, absolutely) but without confirmation that she was right to put a stop to it.
I think it’s very easy in retrospect and from the outside (and I also know you’ve said you tend to think in black and white a lot), I think it’s very hard in the moment *especially* for many women to turn a boat over like that.
Yes, if you take the context out of the discussion and jump straight to the conclusion, then of course you can make it seem like it was assault. That one line could easily have been from a loving couple that was engaged in the activity willingly. Context is important.
To recap:
1) She was there willingly
2) She drank willingly
3) She engaged with the strippers willingly
4) Then she realized she went too far
At no point did she mention saying “no”, declining in any sort of way, removing consent, or anything else that would signal to the other people that she was not a willing participant. How is it assault when the stripper has implied consent by her being there and engaging in every behaviour up to that point, and still not showing any outward sign of a lack of willing participation? Through what means is he to judge that whether or not is a willing participant other than her words and actions?
You cannot remove consent retroactively and shift the blame to someone else just because you aren’t happy with the outcome of your actions or inactions.
I think the original questioner is not telling the full story. So allegations of assault etc. could be well off the mark. She makes mention of the strippers being well endowed. That really has nothing to do with the issue she’s raised later, so I think there’s her own lust and mind she’s battling as well. She even says there’s more to the story but doesn’t share. Basically she shares only about her embarrassment at her close relatives being present and a sense of obligation to tell her husband. I’d hazard a guess there’s a few things she’s not regretting about the experience and that’s a deeper issue. Yes, obligation is important but where’s the repentance expressed? Is she only sorry her mum and sister were present, and what would she be writing in about it if they weren’t? Is she sorry about her actions, or sorry that she’s obligated to tell her husband? There’s far more to the story and I wish her well. Be 100% open and honest about your actions and your desires on that night with your husband. 100% open honesty will have the best chance of getting over it and strengthening your marriage.
You’re right, I’m assuming she at some point expressed that she didn’t want to participate, but I’m also adding in the movie trope of “getting the reluctant bride/birthday girl to overcome their shyness and realize it’s really fun” which makes me believe that it takes a lot (A LOT) for a “no” to be taken seriously. Which leads me to the reasoning in my previous comment. I’m obviously not sure that’s what happened, but neither can you be sure that she wanted to participate/didn’t decline. And I still think it’s bizarre to tell her to apologize to her friends.
RE: my wife sleeps in the bed with our nine year old son 4 nights a week and would rather be on social media then be with her husband…
I’m sorry, but your comment to get a lock on the and get a melt massage video is absolutely impossibly superficial. At a minimum, he should seriously consider seeing a licensed family therapist. The wife may have good justifications for doing this in her mind, but the cause of her behavior needs to be discovered and then resolved by both him and his wife.
The lack of true God inspired love between them MUST be resolved ASAP. Divorce is possibly in the cards for this man and woman in the next 10 years, and you suggest a door lock and a massage tutorial?
The lock is not a terrible idea to help solve one of the small issues. Assuming the massage would work is short-sighted. My wife can’t stand them-no matter how I touch her, when I do. That tutorial would be worth NOTHING to my marriage. Be careful not to assume all women are like your wife.
Your massage skills do not make your wife capable of coming to bed with you every night. Your relationship status does. If you keep doing amazing massages, but became a total jerk, she’d be staying away no matter what magic fingers you had.
Please consider that the massage tutorial you promoted is performed by a man who is divorced himself. I’m not going to pass judgment as to why, as I have no clue what could have happened. Just know, his massages did not save his marriage, nor will it save this writer’s marriage.
I’m officially calling you out for not seriously thinking about this question.
Hi Jamie,
Thanks for your feedback. I am curious, in what “official” capacity are you calling me out in? Is there some marriage blogging board I’m unaware of? Are you a therapist or counselor? Another marriage coach? Pastor maybe? Just curious where your body of experience with couples comes from? What capacity makes it official? I’ve never been given official notice before, so I’m quite interested. Sorry, just having some fun because I found the “official” part hilarious.
You are right that if he’s a jerk, a massage won’t help. But that wasn’t part of the question at all. His wife didn’t complain that he was a jerk, so that seems like a needless and obvious caveat. I also think you jumped a bit too far ahead to suggest that he’s on a guaranteed path to divorce just because his wife likes to be on social media instead of coming to bed. That’s a good way to get a ton of husbands scared about their marriage. Unless maybe you ARE a therapist and this is a marketing ploy to drive them all to therapy? (that’s another joke, I still think the official thing is funny)
And I think it’s easy to answer every question with “you should seek professional help” – people are asking questions because they’re looking for a practical solution that’s a step before coaching or therapy. So, this is something to try and if it fails, then that’s always still an option. Most marriages aren’t going to fall apart because you bought a lock for the door and offered a massage – if it is, I’m not sure therapy is going to help.
So, back to the question he actually asked.
The stated complaints are:
1) She’s afraid the kids will walk in
2) She wants to relax
3) He wants her in bed
The lock fixes the first one and I think helps with the second. Maybe a massage won’t work for everyone to relax, in fact, I know it doesn’t, but it does work for a majority of people. I’m not assuming all women are like my wife. I’m assuming most women are like most women and when you’re giving out general advice to an anonymous question without any context – it’s often handy to suggest things that work for the majority. If you want a tailor-made solution, I do marriage coaching where we can talk for hours about your specific dynamic and build a custom plan for you. This isn’t that. So, everything I say is something to think about, it’s not prescriptive. I’m willing to bet if I handed out gift certificates to 10 wives for a massage, most would take it gladly. I’m assuming this husband also knows his wife well enough to not bother learning how to massage her if it doesn’t work for her. Still, the principle is the same – find a way to make going to bed relaxing and inviting. That’s the principle – don’t get hung up on the specifics.
As for Denis’ marital state – yeah, the massages aren’t going to solve every problem in the world. If someone came and said they couldn’t have a conversation without having a fight, I wouldn’t recommend a massage. But could a lock on the door and a massage help a wife who wants to relax before bed a husband who wants her to come to bed and a fear of the kids walking in? Certainly seems like a good first step to me.
Also, there are benefits to massage that I didn’t state. Massaging releases endorphins, chemicals like oxytocin, which help you feel more emotionally connected and help lead to deeper conversations with more intimacy. They help you feel loved and connected, protected and cared for. My guess is that one of the reasons she’s snuggling with her kid because she gets an oxytocin flow from it – so, why not find her another source for it?
The point is, just because the answer is simple, doesn’t mean I didn’t seriously think about it. I like simple solutions to complex plans. They’re easier to execute and follow. That’s one of the things my coaching clients love – simple, easy, direct steps that work.
So, do you have to put out an official retraction now, or how does this work? (still laughing over the official bit)
I absolutely do know I’m an official armchair quarterback, and I can offer official comments on any and all situations without any further training.
I guess what I am trying to say is, with that last question, it seemed like you were out of time and ended up giving a short answer (unlike you normally do) to someone I saw who might be in a dire situation. That was just my perception. I mean, if that was happening to me, I’d be heartbroken, very heartbroken.
Thanks for adding some levity to the criticism I doled out.
Ha! Glad you took it well. Seriously, keep commenting. I really appreciate sincere feedback.
Let’s hope if he felt the same that he’ll reach out with some more context and we can give some advice that’s more specific to his marriage.
As for running out of time, I write my answers up days in advance, then post them in my supporter’s forum for them to read / find typos / comment on, and then days later (when I think everyone has had a chance) I tend to record when I know I have a decent block of time. So, running out of time isn’t really a factor either in the writing, editing, or recording phase.