SWM 077 – July 2021 Questions – Dealing with PCOS, fantasizing about your fiancee and more

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Summer break is over and it’s time to catch up on our questions.  Today I’m answering a few we got in July from our anonymous Have A Question page so I can get August’s out, hopefully before October comes.  Before we get to the questions though, I want to let you know about a Christian Married Sex Virtual Conference coming up being hosted by Gary Thomas and Debra Fileta.  It opens in 17 days, you can sign up to hear all the speakers – over 20 of them, giving 15-30 minute talks, and best of all, it’s all done from the comfort of your own home at your own pace.  You have a year to watch all the videos.  If you’d like to check it out, just visit www.uncoveringintimacy.com/marriedsexcon to get all the details.

As well, our Becoming More Sexually Engaged course is about ready to start another cohort.  I only run this course a few times a year, so if you’re a Christian wife who wants to focus on becoming more sexually engaged and give you and your husband a fresh outlook on marriage for Christmas, now is a great time to check it out as we’re going to be starting in the next couple of weeks.

With all that out of the way, let’s check out the questions.

Question 1

I have a question. I live with my parents and I might be sharing a bedroom with a sibling. I have a bunch of BDSM toys cause I somewhat love to practice self-bondage but don’t want anyone to find out but if we move I don’t know where to hide it and I would really hate to throw 100 dollars worth of stuff out in the trash. I plan to move out in the future though. If you could help me with advice please and thanks.

My advice would be to throw it out and not buy any more BDSM stuff until you’re married.  As well, self-bondage can be very dangerous and not having anyone know you’re doing it makes it even more dangerous.

Question 2

Greetings Jay!

Quick question (well, not sure how quick it is) 🙂

Can you give spiritual insight and expound on Leviticus 12:2-5 that speaks of the “uncleanness” of a woman conceiving seed and born a male child, then she shall be unclean 7 days; according to the days of the separation for her infirmity shall she be unclean.

Verse 4: And she shall then continue in the blood of her purifying three and thirty days; she shall touch no hallowed thing, nor come into the sanctuary, until the days of her purifying be fulfilled.

Verse 5: But if she bear a maid child, then she shall be unclean two weeks, as in her separation: and she shall continue in the blood of her purifying threescore and six days.

It suggests women being “unclean” longer for maid seeds (2 weeks) than male seeds (7 days) – Is there a physical reason associated with having a male child vs a female child that causes a slower physical recovery? Does this mean, in your wisdom, that The Father value men more than women?

One person in our supporter’s group suggested that maybe God valued women more because he gave the mothers more time off to care for them.  I’m pretty sure it was tongue-in-cheek.  

I have no wisdom other than what I find in scripture, and scripture leads me to believe God values men as much as women.  I’m not aware of anything in scripture that equates cleanliness to value, nor gender to value.  I don’t believe uncleanliness was seen as a punishment, but rather as a symbolic representation of sin in the world.  Some suggest that this was a hallowed time to reflect on bringing a sinful being into the world, one that The Messiah would have to come and pay for, and for girls, it was doubly so as the girl would grow up to bring yet more children into the world, continuing the line of sinful beings that Christ would redeem.  But that’s not a negative, but rather a solemn event to give thanks for, that God continues to call us to have children despite our sinful nature – it shows God values us beyond our deeds, which can never repay the debt we incur.  Procreation was the first commandment given, and it’s good to take time and reflect on what that means when we bring a child into the world.  

Also, it’s interesting to note that later in the same chapter, the atonement offering for girls and boys was the same – their sins are not more or less, neither is the cost to repay them more or less.  So, to me this is clear evidence that there’s nothing inherently more or less sinful between boys and girls, but rather, it’s pointing to something else.  I think giving more time to reflect on the responsibility of bringing a girl who could one day go through the same experience herself sounds plausible.

Question 3

Hello friends! I’m a wife of 21 years (41 years old), stay at home, homeschooling momma and of course, a sinner constantly trying to stay on track and follow the example of our blessed Savior. I am having a real struggle that I hope some other followers will be able to advise on, I am high drive and my husband is low…almost non-existent. I have a hormone/metabolic issue called PCOS which can make my hormones be all over the place so I see this for what it is, a hormone issue. But it is awfully hard to handle, as it ties into many other side problems then, like body image stuff (so much for dying to self, right?!), feeling unloved and disconnected…there are lots of other problems but you get the point. The bottom line, during these incredibly hard times when my hormones amp up, I walk around basically on fire day and night. It is an all-out battle not to watch, imagine, read, listen to unacceptable material. Sometimes I just flat out fail, read a trashy book, and feel worse and unfulfilled (of course). I’ve done pretty good with not turning to watching porn or engaging in self-satisfaction, but there are times when I nearly CANNOT function, I need release so much. I know…prayer, scripture, they really do see me through a lot. But I was looking for some other suggestions to avoid this sexual sin, my biggest sin struggle! And…FYI in case, anyone is thinking it, talking to my husband about increasing frequency is definitely out. It’s once a month and pretty much isn’t going to change. Bringing it up makes him feel nagged and pressured even though I’m able to do it from a place of love and respect and it isn’t naggy. I love your podcast and truly appreciate the ministry, God Bless. 

PCOS and other hormone issues are hard to deal with.  Unfortunately, there aren’t a lot of trained hormone specialists, particularly for women.  However, I would highly recommend trying to find a doctor or nurse practitioner in your area who does specialize in that.  I know for some Bio-Identical Progesterone in particular works, so that could be something to ask about.  

Other than that, I would perhaps ask your husband, if he’s unwilling to have sex, would he be willing to hold you and be with you while you masturbate to help with the desire.  In that way, at least it’s a shared experience, and even if he’s not actively engaged, then he can at least be there with you to support you. 

If possible, I’d probably also ask your husband to get his hormone levels checked too.  Sounds like both might have hormone issues that are pushing you far apart on the spectrum, and in opposite directions than what is stereotypical, which makes it even more difficult to deal with in a lot of ways.

Lastly, I think some coaching together to help you both work through this as there are some obvious struggles there is he’s unwilling to even consider or discuss increasing the frequency of sex – that’s a bit of a red flag to suggest there are deeper relational issues going on.

Question 4

Hi Jay Dee

I’m engaged to be married – is it a sin to be having active fantasies about having sex with my husband to be? By active I mean they don’t just pop into my mind  – I proactively imagine it if that makes sense.

I don’t imagine anyone else but him in these fantasies but I don’t want to bury my head in the sand and continue doing this if it’s not right. 

I think it is sinful and here’s why.

Firstly – he’s not your husband.  He’s going to be (hopefully), but he’s not.  There is always the possibility that you, or he, will break it off, or something else happens to interfere.  But, even if everything goes through, there is a clear demarcation between being single and being married.  Engaged isn’t “not single”, it’s “almost married”.

Secondly – especially if you haven’t had sex before, but even if you had – fantasies aren’t reality.  There’s a really good chance that your fantasy is going to be so much better than reality, because that’s the nature of fantasy.  I’d hate for you to get to your honeymoon and think “oh, that’s not as good as I thought it would be” and then start your marriage being disappointed by sex that might never match up to your fantasies.

So, those are my thoughts on why I think it’s not a good idea.

That’s it for July.  I’ve already started on August’s questions, so they should be out soon.  In the meantime, you can check out the Christian married sex virtual conference as well as our Becoming More Sexually Engaged course for Christian wives.  And as always, if you have a question of your own, you can ask it on our Have A Question page.