SWM 072 – Mar 2021 Questions – Should humans be non-monogamous and more

May 04, 2021 by Jay Dee in Podcast

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Topics Include:
Is any part of porn okay?
Is it unreasonable to expect sex after oral?
Are humans meant to be non-monogamous
Is it okay to teach kids to masturbate safely?
Wife doesn't enjoy sex but says she wants to be promiscuous

For those of you who are new here, each month I gather up the questions that have been submitted through our Have A Question page and answer them. In most cases, we have no context and no way to ask for further information. So, we do our best, given what we have.

I’m a bit behind this month as I didn’t get to March’s questions yet. So, today we’re going to get them out so I can tackle April’s hopefully before the end of the month.

And now, on to the questions.

Question 1

Is any part of porn ok?

We were trying to figure out exactly what this question was asking. If you’re asking if there is any justification for watching porn, then I’d say the answer is a resounding “no”. If you want a deeper discussion, you’ll have to give a bit more detail.

Now, that said, I’m working on a post answering another question we received that revolves around a similar question, so stay tuned for that.

Question 2

Am I being unreasonable to expect sex after oral? My hubby says that he can’t perform penetration after I make him cum during oral. Is this normal? I really don’t like giving him oral because I’m left so unsatisfied.

Yes, this is completely normal. In the vast majority of men (~90%), after they have an orgasm, their body releases prolactin which causes their body to go into a refractory period. In short, this means they can’t achieve an erection again for some time. Their refractory period can be anywhere from 5 minutes to 2 days depending on a variety of factors, many of which you can’t affect.

So, yes, this is absolutely normal, he can’t change that, and it’s not really fair in the least to get upset about it. It’s a natural process that he has no control over.

That said, there are things you can do and still keep oral sex in your repertoire:

Use oral sex as foreplay, then switch to penetrative sex so you can be satisfied.
Perform oral sex on him, and then him on you, or visa-versa.
Engage in a 69 – both of you performing oral sex on each other.
Perform oral sex on him while using a toy on yourself.

Question 3

If humans were intended by God to be monogamous then how do you explain sperm competition, females’ ability to have multiple orgasms, males’ ability to father children long after women of the same age have gone through menopause, and other biological features that suggest non-monogamy?

Good questions! Alright, so, going down the list:

Sperm competition – this is simply so that the healthiest sperm make it to the egg first giving the child the best chance at being the best possible genetic outcome. This works regardless of how many partners you have (even one). So, not an argument for non-monogamy.
Multiple orgasms – I would say this is proof that sex isn’t just about procreation, but also for pleasure. Women who have multiple orgasms can do so within a single-sex session with a single partner, so again, not seeing how this is an argument for non-monogamy. As well, statistically, most women aren’t as interested in sex with their single male partner as the male partner is, so why would they want multiple partners that they’d have an even more disproportionate desire to have sex with?
Male’s ability to father children long after women go through menopause – Well, women bear the physical burden of child-bearing, so as they get older, it gets more and more dangerous. Therefore, it makes far more sense to stop them from being able to have children as it gets more dangerous than to stop men from being able to get a woman pregnant. Let’s say the positions were reversed. Let’s say an older woman who is past the safe age of childbearing’s husband dies and she decides to marry a younger man who won’t go into an infertile phase for a number of years. She gets pregnant and now her life is in danger. It doesn’t make sense. But, the current biological mechanism protects her.

Now, you’re choosing only a subset of biological mechanisms which you think point to non-monogamy, and are ignoring the ones that point towards monogamy.

Pair bonding in humans is long-lived – This is a neurochemical effect that makes humans want to be together with a single partner for long periods of time. In other mammals, like a shrew, pair-bonding lasts about a day or two. In humans, it potentially lasts your entire life unless you cancel it out through psychological means.
Testicle size – Species that actually engage in aggressive sperm competition amongst multiple partners have larger testicles respective to their body size.
Sperm cell shape – Species that engage in sperm competition amongst multiple partners have different shaped sperm than humans, designed for more fierce competition.
Penis shape – Species that engage in sex with multiple partners have far more flared ridges in order to “scoop” out a prior mate’s sperm and displace it with their own.
Age of sexual maturity – In mammals that engage in sexual competition, you generally see a much later age of sexual maturity for the males, because they have to physically compete for the females. In humans, sexual maturity happens at about the same time.
Different in size between males and females – men are generally larger (more mass, more muscle, taller) than women, by about 20%, not by the massive margin we see in mammals that engage in non-monogamy.

And then there are some psychological ones:

Sexual jealousy – This seems to be a near-universal human trait, regardless of culture. We seem to have been created to be jealous of other potential mates interacting with our chosen mate.
Two-parent households are the most stable – We know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that one of the best indicators we have for whether or not an individual will be a happy, productive member of society is whether or not they have a mother and a father. Time and time again, society has challenged that belief and lost.
The vast majority of human relationships are monogamous – you’ll see a lot of stats telling you that the majority of societies were polygamous, but that only means the society allowed it. The actual experience of most individuals is monogamy.

So, no, I think there’s far more evidence to suggest that we should be monogamous and were designed to be monogamous than there is to suggest otherwise. I think our society is trying to push a narrative, really any narrative, that directly opposes the idea of God as Creator, and so they will try to find anything they can to rebel against His law, which ultimately is there for our protection. And we’re seeing the outcome of that rebellion – the collapse of a free and safe society.

Question 4

Is it ok to teach your kids how to masturbate safely?

We struggled with this question as well. Some in our forum, who believe, like me, that solo masturbation is not good said “there is no safe way to masturbate”, and feel you should be teaching them to save themselves for marriage. Others, who don’t have an issue with solo masturbation, didn’t understand why you’d need to teach it because it seems to come pretty naturally.

So, we’re split on the why, but we couldn’t come up with a reason why you’d need to teach them.

Question 5

Seven years into marriage, my wife does not enjoy sex. She makes herself available for sexual things 3 to 4 times a week, which is great. However, She is not open to exploring sexual things with me such as masturbation, anal, etc. Traditional sex could be more fulfilling for me if she would be engaged and enjoy herself. However, intimacy feels far away when she tells me things like, ” sex is only an obligation for me,” or “I am miserable during sexual things with you.” In all this, she is quick to talk about how she would enjoy being promiscuous if she didn’t need to deal with the consequences afterwards. So to me, it sounds like she wants sex but just not sex with me. Could you please help me by giving me some perspective or direction on my situation?

Sounds like you two need to sit down and have a conversation about your marriage. Clearly, something is going on here. If she likes the idea of having sex but is miserable having sex with her husband, then there is a severe disconnect there. It might be about you, but it might also be a feeling that sex is wrong, and so to have sex with her husband creates cognitive dissonance while having sex in a context that she knows is wrong (like promiscuity) is more appealing if it had no consequences. Sort of like the Madonna/whore complex, except the genders is reversed.

As with most things, the next step is likely a conversation with your wife about it, one that isn’t judgmental or accusatory but rather seeking to understand her and where she’s coming from. Then, ideally, you can make a plan together to work through the issues and improve your marriage.

And that’s it for today. As always, thank you to all who asked questions. As well, thank you to our supporters who help us answer them through their discussion in the forum as they come in. It’s always interesting to see the different viewpoints, experiences and perspectives. If you want to join the conversation, check out our support page here.

If you have a question of your own, you can ask it on our Have A Question page, or contact me here.