Simultaneous orgasms are rare

Our culture has propagated, for quite some time, the myth that simultaneous orgasms are ideal.  More than that, the myth has been pushed to such an extent that many believe that if orgasms aren’t simultaneous, then something is wrong.  This myth has been around for quite some time.  Nearly a century ago, this was written:

When the two have met and united, the usual result is that, after a longer or shorter interval, the man’s mental and physical stimulation reaches a climax in sensory intoxication and in the ejaculation of semen. Where the two are perfectly adjusted, the woman simultaneously reaches the crisis of nervous and muscular reactions very similar to his. This mutual orgasm is extremely important, but in many cases the man’s climax comes so swiftly that the woman’s reactions are not nearly ready, and she is left without it.

– Stopes, M. C., & Murray, J. (1930). Married love, a new contribution to the solution of sex difficulties

In other words: If you are not having simultaneous orgasms, then you are not perfectly adjusted.  You are broken.  Of course, the early 1900’s model doesn’t allow for any stimulation beyond intercourse, so if the woman doesn’t orgasm from that well, then she misses out.

This idea has made it into mainstream mentality so much that porn often depicts simultaneous orgasms.  So do movies and romance novels.  We have an entire generation being raised who believe:

• All women orgasm from intercourse
• All women orgasm as soon as they’re penetrated
• All women are wet and ready for sex at a moment’s notice
• All women are multi-orgasmic

Of course, they’re also learning that all men can:

• Get erections at the drop of a hat
• Get another erection right after they orgasm
• Orgasm on command or
• Delay orgasm for hours on end

Unfortunately, not much has been done to counter-act this belief.  I’ve had a few people over the years believe they must be doing something wrong, because they can rarely, if ever, achieve simultaneous orgasm.

So, let’s put this myth to bed with a few facts about orgasms.

Fact #1: Men generally orgasm quicker than women

It’s not always the case, but this is often true.

In our survey on orgasm difficulties, we found that men, on average, orgasm in about 8 minutes.  Women in about 13 minutes.  However, the variation between couples is fairly large.  While about 20% of couples manage to orgasm within a minute of each other, the vast majority have their orgasms separated by many minutes.  Most often it’s the men before the women, but not always.

The point is, to have orgasms at are right on top of each other is typically a pretty rare event.  Even getting them to within a minute only happens regularly in 1 out of 5 couples.

Fact #2: Most women cannot orgasm from intercourse

The industry standard answer is that somewhere around only 30% of women can orgasm from intercourse alone.  My readers said 40% in the survey above.  But then, my readers tend to be a bit more sex-savvy than most and so I think some of them are using extra stimulation during intercourse, because they know that it’s more like only 20% of women can orgasm from penetration alone.  So, they’re either using their fingers, or adjusting the position to include pelvic pressure, or using a couple’s toy to add some clitoral stimulation.

This generally is very little to do with the skill of their partner.  It has more to do with their own physiology.  The most accurate predictor is the distance between the clitoris and the vaginal opening, or the clitoris and the urethral opening.  The studies can’t decide on which.  The point is, that’s straight physiology, and not something you can change.

It’s not something that needs to be changed either.  It’s okay to recognize that our spouse may need something different than what we do to orgasm.  That’s what makes sex a intimate experience.  If our spouse got aroused in the exact same way that we do every single time, well, then we’d never have to grow.  We’d never have to try new things.  We’d never have to be concerned about them.  We could just continue with what felt good for us and forget about them knowing they’d be just fine with that.

No, I think God knew what He was doing when He decided to make it so that we generally needed different stimulation in order to achieve orgasm.  It forces us to be more selfless in order to be better lovers.

Fact #3: What works today may not work tomorrow

This is particularly true for women, but it’s also true for men as well.  Orgasm is sometimes more a function of what’s going on in the brain than of what’s going on physically.  That’s not always the case (I’ll try to write a bit about that tomorrow), but it’s often true.  What’s really going on is that there are two systems at work.  What you are feeling physically, as well as what you are feeling mentally.  Those two systems interact with a bunch of other systems and decide what your body is going to do.

So, while one day, PIV (penis-in-vagina) sex might be exactly what you need to have an orgasm, the next day, it might be something completely different.  In fact, PIV might feel painful the next day, or just awkward, or uncomfortable, or it might just be … meh.  And that’s not necessarily the fault of the your spouse.  It could be a function of your hormones, or the temperature in the room, or how much water you drank, or what you had for dinner, or the fight you had earlier, or that the kids are still awake, or that you just had an orgasm last night.

There are way too many variables to try and predict when and if an orgasm will occur.  Trying to match two people’s systems which are complex enough to appear random is impossible.  To then say that they must occur at the same time, or else it’s “broken”, is ridiculous.

Fact #4: Orgasm does not equal pleasure

More on this tomorrow, so you might want to subscribe to get email notifications of new posts.