Back in July, I ran a survey on the noises people make during sex. It was a request that someone made in one of our past surveys and it sounded like it might be interesting. Members in our supporter’s forum added some more questions they were curious about themselves, particularly around the differences between noises at home and away.
After running it for a while we got over 1,100 full responses (plus a bunch of additional data for hundreds of more partially completed surveys), and this post is what we found out from the results.
This is going to be a lot of numbers with some commentary interspersed throughout. If you’d like to simply jump to the summary, feel free to do so, but if you like all the numbers and such, enjoy!
Total respondents: 1780
Total completed responses: 1168
Gender
Men: 1048 (70.7%)
Women: 434 (29.28%)
This is a fairly normal split for us. I won’t go through the numbers, but the vast majority of our audience is married Christians ages 25-70.
Sexual Frequency per week
Everyone is always curious about this figure, and it’s stayed pretty stable through our surveys, however, I’ve noticed that during the pandemic, it’s dropped slightly.
Gender Frequency per week
Female 2.5
Male 1.9
Average 2.1
Desired sexual frequency per week
The drop in frequency however doesn’t seem to have decreased the desire for sex in theory. It may lower drives in the moment, but on average, people seem to want more sex than usual. I think it may be something like grocery shopping when you’re hungry – you didn’t have enough of an appetite to eat before you left for the grocery store, but when confronted with the possibility, suddenly you feel much hungrier.
Gender Desired frequency per week
Female 4.3
Male 4.6
Average 4.5
On a scale of 0-10 (zero being not satisfied at all, 10 being completely satisfied), how would you rate your sexual satisfaction?
People still are still generally feeling largely satisfied though.
Male 6.9
Female 6.8
At home
This section of the survey was all about the noises people make at home.
What noises do you make during sex?
| Male | Female | |
| None (silent) | 14% | 14% |
| Heavy Breathing | 72% | 75% |
| Panting | 26% | 43% |
| Chuffing (like a steam engine) | 5% | 6% |
| Grunting | 44% | 19% |
| Moaning | 65% | 88% |
| Whimpering | 7% | 31% |
| Talking | 48% | 47% |
| Singing | 0% | 1% |
| Yelling | 4% | 8% |
| Screaming | 2% | 15% |
Some interesting pieces here. Men are more likely to just make heavy breathing noises and women are more likely to moan.
But, about 50% of both talk during sex. More on that later.
On a scale of 1(silent) to 5 (yelling/screaming), what’s your typical volume during sex?
Male 2.3
Female 2.7
Women also tend to be slightly louder during sex, which doesn’t surprise me, because one of the most comment complaints I get from wives about this topic is that their husbands are too quiet.
What noises does your spouse make during sex?
| Male spouse | Female spouse | |
| None (silent) | 18% | 25% |
| Heavy Breathing | 72% | 55% |
| Panting | 27% | 29% |
| Chuffing (like a steam engine) | 9% | 3% |
| Grunting | 45% | 14% |
| Moaning | 51% | 67% |
| Whimpering | 7% | 18% |
| Talking | 44% | 29% |
| Singing | 0% | 0% |
| Yelling | 4% | 8% |
| Screaming | 1% | 14% |
I like to also ask about their spouses because it removes some of the biases people have about themselves. If you can get men and women to agree about what each gender does, then you’re more likely to have an accurate depiction of reality rather than a perception by one gender or the other.
And here we do have some consistencies – men are most likely to express themselves using heavy breathing and women are most likely to moan.
The wives also agree that about half of men talk during sex – but the men don’t seem to think the wives are as apt to do it.
On a scale of 1 (silent) to 5 (yelling/screaming), what’s your spouse’s typical volume during sex?
Male spouse 2.2
Female spouse 2.4
And again, we have a consensus – the women tend to be slightly louder than the men.
How often do you orgasm during a sex session?
Female 111% of the time (just over one per session)
Male 95% of the time
How often does your spouse orgasm during a sex session?
Female spouse 115% of the time (just over one per session)
Male spouse 98% of the time
These were also interesting but could be misleading. This accounts merely for the number of orgasms. Statistically, women orgasm more often than men in our dataset, but it’s because many of the women have multiple orgasms. If you look simply at a chance of whether or not they will orgasm (regardless of how often during a session), the numbers change to:
Male 94%
Female 77%
If you ask their spouse, it looks like this:
Male spouse 95%
Female spouse 80%
Now, some will look at this and say “Look, the men have a 15%+ chance of orgasming, there is a huge gap” and others will look at it and say “Only a 15% gap – that’s not nearly as bad as I thought”. I’m curious what your reaction is – let us know in the comments below.
When are you the loudest during sex?
| Male | Female | |
| Consistent throughout | 5.1% | 6.4% |
| During foreplay | 4.4% | 4.5% |
| During sex | 7.3% | 7.8% |
| Approaching orgasm | 26.4% | 30.2% |
| At the point of orgasm | 33.4% | 23.8% |
| Through my orgasm | 19.2% | 24.1% |
| As my spouse approaches orgasm | 2.3% | 3.3% |
| At the point of my spouse’s orgasm | 1.0% | 0.0% |
| Through their orgasm | 0.8% | 0.0% |
When is your spouse the loudest during sex?
| Male spouse | Female spouse | |
| Consistent throughout | 5.2% | 5.1% |
| During foreplay | 2.7% | 4.8% |
| During sex | 5.7% | 7.0% |
| Approaching orgasm | 25.7% | 19.2% |
| At the point of orgasm | 25.3% | 32.1% |
| Through their orgasm | 26.7% | 23.7% |
| As I approach orgasm | 2.4% | 4.2% |
| At the point of my orgasm | 3.7% | 2.5% |
| Through my orgasm | 2.7% | 1.4% |
How do you think your spouse responds to your noises?
| Male spouse | Female spouse | |
| More aroused | 72.1% | 30.0% |
| Likes to hear them, but doesn’t get more aroused | 11.5% | 26.2% |
| No idea | 10.4% | 17.7% |
| Worried (someone might hear) | 1.9% | 7.9% |
| Uncomfortable | 0.8% | 2.7% |
| Turned off | 0.5% | 1.2% |
So, this is a bit interesting, and we’ll bring this up more later on. Most women are aware that their husbands get turned on by them making noise. But the men aren’t so sure about their wives’ response to their noises. So, what do they say themselves?
How do your spouse’s noises make you feel?
| Male | Female | |
| More aroused | 88.2% | 66.1% |
| I like to hear them, but they don’t arouse me | 5.7% | 23.1% |
| No effect | 2.4% | 3.3% |
| They turn me off | 2.2% | 3.1% |
| Worried (someone might hear) | 1.1% | 3.6% |
| Uncomfortable | 0.3% | 0.8% |
Well, the women are correct, their husbands generally are more aroused by their noise, but so are the women. Even if it doesn’t turn them on, they like to hear it.
How do you wish your spouse would change their noises during sex?
| Male | Female | |
| More explicit | 55.0% | 25.3% |
| Less explicit | 0.0% | 2.1% |
| Louder | 42.2% | 18.6% |
| Quieter | 0.8% | 5.3% |
| More vocal | 57.7% | 42.3% |
| Less vocal | 0.2% | 2.7% |
| No change | 20.7% | 35.9% |
Over half of men would like their spouse to be more explicit and more vocal. We’ll talk about that near the end more as well.
On a scale of 1 (meh or non-existent) to 5 (amazing), how strong would you rate your orgasms at home?
Male 3.8
Female 3.8
I find this interesting because I cannot count the number of men who have told me that their wife’s orgasms seem to be much better than their own. But then again, it’s subjective – your 1-5 might be vastly different than your spouse’s 1-5 range.
On average while at home, how long (in seconds) would you guess your orgasms last?
Male 1.8s
Female 2.3s
Of course, this is subjective because orgasm induces a trance state and one of the primary side-effects of trance is time distortion. Still, I thought it would be interesting to ask. I don’t think anyone is surprised that women tend to have longer orgasms than men though, are they?
Sex while away
One of the things we wanted to try and figure out during this survey was whether sex at home was different than sex while away. So, here’s a bunch of numbers, and then we’ll talk about them.
What noises do you make during sex?
| Male | Female | |
| None (silent) | 13% | 12% |
| Heavy Breathing | 69% | 75% |
| Panting | 29% | 41% |
| Chuffing (like a steam engine) | 6% | 4% |
| Grunting | 41% | 17% |
| Moaning | 62% | 80% |
| Whimpering | 7% | 31% |
| Talking | 42% | 41% |
| Singing | 1% | 1% |
| Yelling | 8% | 16% |
| Screaming | 3% | 12% |
On a scale of 1 (silent) to 5 (yelling/screaming), while away, what’s your volume during sex?
Male 2.6
Female 2.9
What noises does your spouse make during sex?
| Male spouse | Female spouse | |
| None (silent) | 20% | 22% |
| Heavy Breathing | 72% | 58% |
| Panting | 31% | 33% |
| Chuffing (like a steam engine) | 6% | 4% |
| Grunting | 37% | 16% |
| Moaning | 49% | 65% |
| Whimpering | 6% | 18% |
| Talking | 40% | 30% |
| Singing | 0% | 0% |
| Yelling | 5% | 11% |
| Screaming | 1% | 13% |
On a scale of 1 (silent) to 5 (yelling/screaming), while away, what’s your spouse’s volume during sex?
Male spouse 2.3
Female spouse 2.6
How often do you orgasm during a sex session?
Male 99%
Female 116%
How often does your spouse orgasm during a sex session?
Male spouse 101%
Female spouse 123%
When are you the loudest during sex?
| Male | Female | |
| Consistent throughout | 5.1% | 8.4% |
| During foreplay | 4.5% | 5.0% |
| During sex | 7.3% | 9.9% |
| Approaching orgasm | 22.2% | 23.2% |
| At the point of orgasm | 35.0% | 27.6% |
| Through my orgasm | 21.1% | 22.3% |
| As my spouse approaches orgasm | 2.2% | 3.4% |
| At the point of my spouse’s orgasm | 1.3% | 0.0% |
| Through their orgasm | 1.3% | 0.3% |
When is your spouse loudest during sex?
| Male spouse | Female spouse | |
| Consistent throughout | 8.3% | 5.7% |
| During foreplay | 3.2% | 3.7% |
| During sex | 7.0% | 5.5% |
| Approaching orgasm | 18.1% | 23.2% |
| At the point of orgasm | 32.1% | 24.3% |
| Through their orgasm | 22.9% | 29.1% |
| As I approach orgasm | 3.8% | 1.6% |
| At the point of my orgasm | 3.5% | 3.7% |
| Through my orgasm | 1.3% | 3.2% |
How do you think your spouse responds to your noises?
| Male spouse | Female spouse | |
| More aroused | 70.3% | 32.9% |
| Likes to hear them, but doesn’t get more aroused | 9.0% | 22.3% |
| No idea | 10.2% | 14.5% |
| Worried (someone might hear) | 5.9% | 12.8% |
| Uncomfortable | 0.9% | 2.6% |
| Turned off | 0.0% | 1.0% |
How do your spouse’s noises make you feel?
| Male | Female | |
| More aroused | 88.8% | 63.7% |
| I like to hear them, but they don’t arouse me | 4.6% | 20.8% |
| No effect | 4.7% | 3.3% |
| They turn me off | 1.3% | 1.9% |
| Worried (someone might hear) | 2.0% | 7.6% |
| Uncomfortable | 0.1% | 1.3% |
How do you wish your spouse would change their noise during sex?
| Male | Female | |
| More explicit | 56.5% | 26.0% |
| Less explicit | 0.5% | 2.1% |
| Louder | 46.1% | 21.6% |
| Quieter | 0.5% | 5.0% |
| More vocal | 52.7% | 37.6% |
| Less vocal | 0.7% | 2.4% |
| No change | 20.0% | 37.6% |
On a scale of 1 (meh or non-existent) to 5 (amazing), how strong would you rate your orgasms?
Male 3.8
Female 3.8
On average while away, how long (in seconds) would you guess your orgasms last?
Male 17s
Female 23s
Honestly, I don’t know what to do with this. That doesn’t make any sense to me. I don’t know if people misunderstood the question, or am I just really out of touch with how long orgasms last for most people?
Home vs away
Orgasm frequency slightly increases
Males 95% > 99%
Female 111% > 116%
Again, this includes multiple orgasms. Look at “Chance to orgasm” it changes to
Males 94% > 95%
Female 77% > 81%
Spouse’s orgasm frequency
Male spouse 98% > 101%
Female spouse 115% > 123%
For chance to orgasm:
Male spouse 95% > 96%
Female spouse 80% > 85%
So the chance to orgasm increases as well for both men (slightly) and women (more so).
Self-report as slightly louder while away
Female 2.7 > 2.9
Male 2.4 > 2.6
Spouse agree that they are slightly louder while away
Female spouse 2.4 > 2.6
Male spouse 2.2 > 2.3
Noises home vs away
Nothing statistically significant.
Both men and women thought their spouses were more worried about someone hearing while away from home, however, generally, only women said they were more worried about it.
However, both men and women on average still said they wished their spouses were louder during sex while away from home.
Correlations
Alright, here’s where it gets interesting. But first, let me explain how R-values work with correlations. We use R-values to quantify how correlated two sets of data are. The scale goes from -1 to +1.
A zero means there is absolutely no correlation – increasing one number has no predictable change in the other. An example might be how many guitars a person owns compared to how much water they drink in a day (maybe? It’s hard finding something with zero correlation).
+1 means there is a perfect correlation – something like the number of steps you take correlates to how far you’ve walked. Perfect correlations that are meaningful are hard to come by, but ones that are close produce some interesting information.
-1 means there’s a perfect inverse correlation – for example, the taller you are compared to the distance your head is from the ceiling. As your higher increases, the distance shrinks by an exact and predictable amount.
Anything over 0.7 (or under -0.7) is considered a fairly strong correlation and under 0.7 (and over -0.7) is considered not very correlated.
Lastly, correlation does not equal causation – sometimes you find things that are strongly correlated but are unrelated. For example, in the US, the government spending on science, space and technology very strongly correlates (r=0.997) with suicides by hanging, strangulation and suffocation. Very odd, likely unrelated. The US government shouldn’t worry that increasing their budget is going to cause suicide deaths by asphyxiation. It’s just a very strange coincidence.
However, when data sets are related, these correlations beg some interesting questions. Does action A cause action B? Does action B cause action A? Does the order matter (can it work both ways)? Is there an action C that’s causing both?
On to the correlations from our survey.
Being more vocal tends to equate to more sex
Men and women who have more sex tend to be more vocal or men and women who are more vocal tend to have more sex.
| Typical Volume | Female | Male |
| 1 – silent | 2.2 | 1.5 |
| 2 | 2.3 | 1.8 |
| 3 | 2.3 | 1.9 |
| 4 | 3.1 | 2.7 |
| 5 – yelling/screaming | 5.0 | 3.0 |
| Correlation | r=0.85 | r=0.97 |
An even slightly stronger correlation is that men and women who have more sex tend to have spouses who are more vocal or visa-versa.
| Typical Volume | Male spouse | Female spouse |
| 1 – silent | 2.2 | 1.5 |
| 2 | 2.3 | 1.8 |
| 3 | 2.8 | 1.9 |
| 4 | 3.1 | 2.3 |
| 5 – yelling/screaming | 5.0 | 2.8 |
| Correlation | r=0.88 | r=0.98 |
Perhaps a way to have more sex is to be more vocal?
Orgasm frequency and sexual frequency
Interestingly enough, there seems to be little correlation between how many orgasms you have and how often you have sex. However, there is a correlation between how often your spouse orgasms and how often you have sex, particularly for men whose wives orgasm more frequently (r=0.87 compared to r=0.63 for wives whose husbands orgasm more frequently).
This may be owing to the fact that our surveys tend to draw people with more interest in sex (potentially higher sex drive), and so making sex better for their spouse with less interest in sex makes them more interested in having sex.
And that’s often the advice tossed around – “Wife not interested in sex, make sure she gets more orgasms”, and there seems to be some truth to it, though it’s obviously not the entire picture.
More noise means more satisfaction
The louder women rate themselves, the higher they rate their sexual satisfaction (r=0.99 – that’s a nearly perfect correlation). Men’s volumes also correlate, but less strongly (r=0.84). Men’s sexual satisfaction correlates far more strongly with their wife’s noise level (r=0.96 vs 0.22 for women with regards to their husband’s noise).
A higher chance of orgasm means more sexual satisfaction
Your chances of having at least one orgasm correlate pretty strongly with sexual satisfaction for women, but not for men (r=0.84 vs r=0.68). For men, their wife’s chance to have an orgasm is a stronger correlation for their sexual satisfaction (r=0.77) whereas the women don’t seem to factor their husband’s ability to orgasm into their own satisfaction (r=0.39).
Are men more caring lovers than women?
Stereotypically, women are seen as being more caring, more nurturing, more “other-centric” whereas men are generally seeing as being more selfish, doing what makes them feel good, etc… I know, it’s a terrible stereotype, but it’s there nonetheless.
This stereotype extends to sex, where women are seeing to be more willing to have sex “for their husband” and men are seen as just using women to get their own orgasm.
However, some of the data in our survey paint a very different picture.
For example – wives’ sexual satisfaction is correlated with their chance of having an orgasm – the higher the chance they’ll get one, the more sexually satisfied they are in their marriage (r=0.84). For men, their sexual satisfaction isn’t as strongly tied to their own chance of orgasm (r=0.68) as it is to their wife’s chance of orgasm (r=0.77). The wives? Their sexual satisfaction and their husband’s ability to orgasm are almost unrelated (r=0.39).
Likewise, there’s a stronger correlation between women having orgasms and wanting to have more sex (r=0.87) than there is between men having orgasms and wanting to have more sex (r=0.63) which suggests women are more motivated by personal gain of orgasms than men who are more focused on their spouse’s orgasm.
Also, the louder a husband is, the more sexually satisfied he rated himself (r=0.84), but that’s nothing compared to the wives (r=0.99 for wives loudness related to their own sexual satisfaction). More interesting though is that the wife’s loudness correlated to their men’s sexual satisfaction more strongly than their own volume (r=0.96), whereas the women couldn’t seem to care less about their husband’s loudness with regard to their own sexual satisfaction (r=0.22).
Based on this data, it seems that, in general, men are more concerned with their wives’ pleasure than the wives are with their husbands’.
Now, the cause for that is up for debate. Maybe it’s because the men’s satisfaction is more likely (though both genders rate their sexual satisfaction equally), or because men are more likely to orgasm, so it’s less of a concern. Or maybe men have been wrongfully stereotyped and are actually the more caring gender in the bedroom. What do you think?
Final thoughts and a recommendation
Over half of the men wished their wives were more vocal and more explicit in their talking during sex. Over 40% also wished their wives were louder. As noted above, men really get turned on by their wives being sexually satisfied, and wives self-report as being more satisfied when they’re more vocal, so that’s an easy one to figure out.
As well, over 40% of wives wished their husbands were more vocal and it’s no wonder. Wives who said their husbands talked during sex have more orgasms, have a higher chance of having an orgasm in a session, have stronger orgasms and longer orgasms and in general reported higher sexual satisfaction.
Since the husbands on average seem to feel more sexually satisfied when their wives have longer, stronger, louder and more frequent orgasms, it seems that increasing the dirty talk in the bedroom might be a win for both spouses.
If you want to try that out, but don’t know where to start, I humbly recommend our Introduction to Talking Dirty.
Here’s what one wife had to say about it:
This absolutely REVOLUTIONIZED our sex life. Maybe I’m just weird, but OH MY GOSH, my husband talking dirty to me is the biggest turn on EVER and I had NO IDEA before reading through this pdf. It’s like my husband and I have this secret language that is just for us and it has creative greater intimacy between us, not just physically, but emotionally as well. Thank you sooooo much for writing this and helping us find freedom in the bedroom!
Karissa
Well, it took me a while to prove it Karissa, but no, I don’t think you’re weird.
If you’re curious and want to see if you have the same gains in your marriage, maybe check it out.
If you have any questions about the data, have a correlation you’d like me to check a question you’d like to have answered with this data, let me know in the comments below.
Other than that, be sure to join the newsletter so you don’t miss the next survey.
You ask “What do you think?” Take a guess what I think.
Her thoughts after sex and caring him assuring her orgasm:
“He had an orgasm.”
But was he emotionally satisfied and fulfilled?
“Of course. He had and orgasm, didn’t he?
What else could he want?”
Maybe intimacy on his unique terms that don’t match up with yours but are no less necessary. We’re not lacking in sensitivity. Were sensitive in our own different way.
Where are all you folks that participated in the survey? Jay went to a lot of work compiling the data and no questions or remarks?
Dan we’re here. Still internalising what we’ve read. Personally there are two different “aways” I I’m stating in someone’s house as a guest, I’m not going to be loud – at all. But if Mr is taking me to a hotel where we’re alone without the children? Yikes, I don’t mind what the neighbours think. What else can I say? There’s nothing exciting like a moaning husband, phew. What else would you like feedback on?
Two areas caught my attention. I’ll start with a possible explanation for the percentage of times men vs women orgasm. There are times my wife will have sex with me when she’s tired because she knows it’s important for the marriage and because I like to. Usually, she’s tired and that affects her ability to achieve orgasm. Most of the time this is not the case, but one of six or seven times it is which is close to the split in the data.
The second, and I think more important piece of data that caught my attention was the following:
“On a scale of 0-10 (zero being not satisfied at all, 10 being completely satisfied), how would you rate your sexual satisfaction?
People still are still generally feeling largely satisfied though.
Male 6.9
Female 6.8”
This is actually a concerning result on a 0-10 scale and here is why. This scale is often used with businesses trying to rate their service and the question they ask (you’ll often see it on satisfaction surveys) is, “How likely are you to refer people you know to us with 0 being not at all and 10 being you certainly will?” What is important is the breakdown of the answer on the scale. When customers answer 0-6 they are actually telling other people bad things about your business and warning them to stay away. Those who answer 7-8 are neutral and they’ll stay with you until something better comes along, but there is no loyalty beyond you being the best option. Those customers who rate 9-10 are those who are actively fans of your business and tell others about you. Averaging under 7 suggests that the people who respond on this site, when being honest on an anonymous survey, are generally unhappy with their sex lives. Depending on the distribution and the standard deviation, it looks like the majority to a super majority of respondents either complain about their sex lives or live with them hoping they would be better.
The system is called the Net Promotor Score if you wanted to look into the details of the scale further. My understanding is that results from the three groupings are highly consistent in predicting those people that are detractors, neutral or raving fans.
I’m aware of NPS, however I think you’re conflating NPS’s intent with satisfaction. NPS is designed in order to figure out who is likely to promote your product for you, as the name implies and you mentioned. The theory is that only those who really like your products will actually tell others about it. That’s why you only ask a 9-10 to promote. They’re your super fans.
The 7-8 are neutral in terms of promotion – they do like your product, but they’re unlikely to shout it from the rooftops.
6’s still like your product, but they’re more likely to couch any unlikely recommendation in also sharing the negatives they experience.
0-5’s are people who don’t really like your product and you should probably ask them for feedback about what you could change, but not for them to talk to the public.
So, yes, if we were looking for people to tell inspiring stories about marriage and how to improve it – you’d look for the 9-10’s. But that doesn’t mean a 6-8 isn’t still satisfied in their marriage. Just not as much as a 9-10.
I am very noisy when having sex or masturbating. Now I know everyone is not loud. Sometimes depends on your mood. Also it’s really embarrassing being noisy when other people are in your house. When we visit friends or family I try to avoid sex because it’s difficult not to be noisy.
I think the amount of times you have sex is based on how long you have been together. I remember when we got married and started having sex it was anytime any place anywhere.
Longer you are married with responsibilities it dwindles. Yet if you divorce your spouse you will have sex like rabbits with your new spouse. I saw this with my sister. Barely having sex for several years before divorce then gets a new man and she was on fire. .
For many women, sex drive is relationship context-dependent. It’s not that the longer you’ve been together, the less sex you have – it’s that a new relationship still has all that infatuation, new relationship energy, etc., with none of the responsibilities or “adultness” of a grown-up relationship. But, if you grow into a healthy relationship, there’s no reason not to have as much, if not more, sex. My wife and I have way more sex now than we did in our first years. I know many other couples in the same situation. It’s not the norm, but I think that it should be.
Point is – it’s not the length of the relationship that’s the problem. It’s the health. Relationships should get better, but in most cases, people drift apart rather than grow together, which takes intentionality. I think you’re sister’s divorce shows that was the case in her marriage.