Premature Ejaculation

Last week we did our analysis of our Orgasm Difficulties Survey and I had promised a post on each of the categories of difficulty.  So, today we’re going to tackle Premature Ejaculation, also known as early ejaculation, rapid ejaculation, rapid climax, premature climax and ejaculation praecox.

Premature ejaculation has been defined as “ejaculation which always or nearly always occurs prior to or within about one minute” of starting intercourse, though the international standard lists 15 seconds.  I’ve seen other definitions place the cutoff at 2 minutes.  In short, there is no black and white “this is, and this isn’t” for premature ejaculation.

What’s the issue?

Our society places a large pressure on men to have stamina, staying power, the ability to control their orgasms, or at least, to hold off until their partner is fully satisfied.  For those who experience premature ejaculation, this can cause a lot of distress, feeling like they aren’t “man enough”, or that they aren’t performing adequately.  This distress is largely experienced by men, their partners seldom report an issue with it (despite common belief to the contrary).

This came out in our survey as well.  Many men who commented listed their embarrassment, distress or just a simple “kind of disappointed”.  Wives who’s husbands experienced this often seemed quite supportive giving answers like “Just go with the flow. Whatever happens, whenever it happens.”

What can you do about it?

So, how do you deal with premature ejaculation?  I think there are 3 ways:

1. Dealing with reality
2. Changing reality
3. Waiting it out

Dealing with reality

First and foremost, I think a lot of men need to get over it.  I know, easier said than done, but your value as a husband is not defined by a stopwatch.  We have to learn to be content with where we are.  Wives need to continue to be supportive, and both need to work around the issue so that both partners can experience sexual fulfillment (be that orgasm, or whatever).  A couple ideas are:

1. If the husband has a short refactory period (recovery time between orgasm and ability to achieve a subsequent erection), accept that the first orgasm in a session might be quick, and plan for multiple orgasms.  The husband can orgasm quickly, then you have generally at least 20 minutes where he can pleasure his wife through other means (oral, manual, whatever) while he waits to be able to achieve an erection again.  For many, the second orgasm will take longer.
2. If successive orgasms are not possible, then focus on the wife’s pleasure first, then when she feels fulfilled, then they can focus on his.  In this way, the quick ejaculation won’t be an impedance to her pleasure.
3. Having sex more frequently may delay orgasm as well.
4. Penis rings have been known to be effective on some.

Changing reality

It is possible, for some, to train premature ejaculation away.  Here are three things you can try:

1. Doing kegel exercises have shown to increase orgasm control, and thus can help prolong intercourse.  Kegel exercises involve tensing and releasing the muscles in your pelvic floor.  If you are going to the bathroom, these are the muscles you flex to stop the flow of urine.  Often people mistakenly flex their glutes, but that’s not the right muscle group.  You can actually find kegel exercise apps for just about every phone manufacturer, so check your app stores.  They’ll help time the tensing and relaxing to help you get the benefit of exercising them, and many will also remind you regularly to do them.
2. The stop and start method can help as well.  This is where you have sex, until you feel that you are getting close to orgasm, then stop until your arousal diminishes enough to continue.  This can be extremely frustrating, to both spouses, but may produce results.
3. The “squeeze technique” involves literally squeezing the penis, right below the head, between your forefinger and thumb, just prior to feeling like you are going to ejaculate.  This is basically like the stop and start method, but with the addition of physically “blocking” the orgasm.
4. The “Valsalva maneuver” is again like the stop and start method, but it adds a breathing technique involving pinching your nose, closing your mouth and trying to exhale (like trying to pop your ears)
5. As well, changing up your position can help.  Many men don’t orgasm nearly as easily in positions where they aren’t in control, like woman on top.

Waiting it out

Many men find they experience premature ejaculation earlier in life, but that it goes away on it’s own, either as part of the maturing process, or as they gain more experience with sex.  Not a guarantee, but it has the benefit of not having to do anything.

Comments from the survey

Lastly, I thought I would share the answers from the survey for the question “How do you deal with premature ejaculation when it occurs? Any tips or tricks for how to handle it?”  So, here you are:

• When I did want to drag things I would just slow down the thrusting or stop completely and we’d make out for a moment and then continue. Also I learned which positions and at what speeds felt the best to me and led to faster orgasm and tended to avoid those if I wanted to make it last.
• Make sure there is lots of foreplay so my wife enjoys it too.
• Stop thrusting or withdraw.
• Depending on my spouses feeling we are either done or I help her achieve organism manually.
• Slowing down or changing my focus.
• I spend a lot of time on my spouse to make sure she’s fully satisfied and then it doesn’t matter so much how long I last during intercourse.
• Just go with the flow. Whatever happens, whenever it happens.
• My husband was only 21 when we got married and premature ejaculation was a problem! We used the squeeze technique which helped. After 30 years of marriage, things have improved considerably!
• slow down, take my time
• Practice, practice , practice… Think about other things sometimes help,
• Doctor once prescribed a mild antidepressant due to side effect (reduced sensitivity). But I discontinued after reading other possible impacts. I have tried desensitizing lotions/gels, or condoms with such – but not regularly since my wife either complains about trying to incorporate their use in sex or the desensitizing effect they have on her. I have also tried breathing techniques and ‘pacing’ techniques, which sometimes help…but we just don’t ever have sex enough to get accomplished enough. Finally, the book, The Gift of Sex, recommends several exercises to try with your partner to teach the body to relax and control…but again, my wife just doesn’t want to be physical enough to even try.
• Clean up and move forward!
• Practice almost reaching Climax and then holding that sensation.
• If it happens and she is wanting to also, we do oral, toys whatever it takes! 😉
• Communicate. Offer to keep doing something else to make sure she gets where she wants. I ask a lot about her pleasure which she always says is fine…I just don’t know if I always believe her.
• Worked on building stamina through exercises
• My husband pleases me first so there isn’t as much pressure on how long he can last
• Give her some orgasms in other ways, perhaps have intercourse again later that day.
• Usually to stop what I’m doing for or to him and letting it build again. He appreciates this
• Breathe
• I usually slow down and try to not go too deep, but that is not a guarantee either
• “I try not to make a fuss over it because he knows it was too fast and feels terrible already. Why make it worse? I wish I could say i am always that gracious on the inside. But sadly that is not true.  I wish I had some tips or tricks how to handle it better.”
• Slow down. Guys you know when it is going to happen after a while. You get a feel for it. PULL out…Stop…even if it means stopping her from doing what she is doing to you. Let “him” settle down a little and then pick back up. Sometimes just stopping long enough to change positions or physical location within your home is enough of a cool down period. I used to just go go go until I achieved orgasm, but I have found after 9 years of marriage and more premarital sex then I like to admit to (before I was following God) that I personally enjoy the act of intercourse MUCH more WHEN (yes WHEN {I try to wait for her to cum first}) she cums as well. I feel much more physically, emotionally, and yes spiritually satisfied when my wife enjoys our time together as much (or more LOL) then I do!!!
• Needed to learn to handle stimulation better. Started with a quickie in the morning and then followed up with a another encounter in the evening. Sometimes, when that didn’t happen, we’d have a very quick quickie, watch a little TV than make love again. This gave her time to have an orgasm. Now, I’ve learned my wife and can control it – sometimes too much.
• Laugh it off and help my dw (dear wife) get her orgasm if she wants. (most of the time she does!)
• Massage her clitoral region
• Relax and realize it happens occasionally
• Try to leave enough time for cuddling afterward, then start again. Usually the second time is more enjoyable for me.
• Sometimes we try again later or sometimes we move forward with other types of play (manual, oral, etc) and try to enjoy ourselves anyway.
• I am thankful for the PE or I would never orgasm during PIV as I run out of breath too quickly!
• I hold him tightly and tell him he is still the worlds best lover. I am happy that he can still enjoy me! We are married almost 44 years!
• We have been using a penis ring toy that is very effective.
• Withdrawal before you reach the threshold point of no return.
• More frequent sex (daily, or every other day versus three or more days between sex, weekly, or monthly sex) seems to help reduce it.
• My spouse and I mostly engage in mutual masturbation, and rarely have intercourse, as we are both overweight and not very flexible and the logistics are complicated, so this is not too much of an issue.
• When this happened on a rare occasion in the past, my husband just took care of me in a different way. It hasn’t happened in a very long time though.
• I know the sensation when ejaculation is eminent and try to decrease stimulation.
• It is a concentration thing. You have to not think about it so much.
• I try to pace myself by varying positions and thrust speed during intercourse.
• My husband sucks me till I orgasm.
• It’s embarrassing, but I usually go to performing oral on my wife and making sure she has an orgasm.
• More sex. As frequency increased, PE decreased.
• I use condoms or penis extenders to decrease sensations and prolong intercourse.
• Keep going. Just because I have come does not mean sex is over.
• I try to distract myself to prolong the experience as much as possible.
• Make your spouse feel comfortable when it happens cause they already feel bad and don’t hold it against them the next time you have intercourse. Keep trying.
• What actually made a big difference was the position we chose. Cowgirl or reverse cowgirl, (woman on top) leaves relaxed all those muscles that drive the orgasm forward.
• Let it go. It is what it is. Enjoy.
• Try again.
• Finish manually
• When we had much less sex it was an issue.
• It’s a bummer, so I just use other parts of my body to help her have a good time.
• Kegels… learning to control my PC muscles while peeing helped tremendously in stopping PE. Plus, just learning when I was approaching the point of no return helped me learn when to slow down.
• We keep trying for the other partner to experience an orgasm. Sometimes this involves manual simulation or re-positioning. If that doesn’t work, we set a time to come back together for intercourse again and try our hardest to stick to it. If one or both of us didn’t orgasm, lots of cuddling ends sex.
• We usually share a joke about it to lighten up the moment.
• Stopping in the middle of sex if necessary.
• Think about other things, focus on making spouse feel good.
• We were young and excited. …fortunately being young also meant the refractory period was very short. We would just reload and go again, and the second time was fine.
• Give her other stimulation
• We usually laugh together and I tell her that she gets me so excited that I just couldn’t hold it any longer.
• Just take it as a casual experience, and continue.
• For one, I told my husband about, and he decided to take, a really good prostate support supplement. That has helped a LOT!  He had NO signs of prostate problems, but the supplement still helped to prolong his ejaculation a bit.  On a different level, his PE wasn’t as much of a problem as how he reacted after. He would begin to ejaculate and get upset with himself. So, that meant he didn’t enjoy his orgasm, and neither did I! One of the most physically pleasurable parts of sex for me is feeling my husband ejaculate. Not just the sensation of it, but the energy of his whole body, the look on his face, his breathing.  So, I asked him to please, just ENJOY it when it happens, no matter how quickly. When it happens before I have gotten there, he can finish me in a variety of other ways. But, when he gets upset, it ruins the moment for everyone and there is no getting that back. It has worked! Sex is much more pleasurable for both of us, and I think by giving him permission to enjoy it and telling him he can still pleasure me after has taken a lot of the pressure off.
• Tried to be understanding with him.
• We stop what we’re doing for a few seconds. We will squeeze around my frenulum and the urge to come disappears.
• Just deal with it. It happens.
• My wife would make sure not to over stimulate me during foreplay.
• I don’t get hung up on being disappointed, there is always later to try again!! 🙂
• We don’t rely on PIV intercourse for my wife’s orgasms. I use my fingers to manually stimulate clitoral orgasm, which she achieves 99% of the time. For that reason, PE is a non-issue for us.
• Cuddle or roll over and go back to sleep
• I bring her to orgasm manually
• He then continues to please me other ways
• Patience and keep in mind there’s always a next time.
• We laugh. It is rare enough to be amusing–she says she finds it flattering. Also, since we have other options for her pleasure, if I experience PE that doesn’t mean we’re done. A particular session of lovemaking (awkward phrase, much?) may or may not be over when I ejaculate, which makes “premature” a bit fuzzy to define.
• We just wait a few minutes then try again.
• Hold my breath and control my PC muscle to prevent myself from pre-ejaculating.
• I used ideas shared in the book Intended for Pleasure to work on sustaining intercourse without ejaculating prematurely.
• We just move on…and say we will both come next time. 🙂
• Go slower and take breaks right before the “time” comes.
• More regular sex seems to help. otherwise, WOT positions seem to help. mental focus helps sometimes, mental distraction at others. oftentimes I just try not to worry about it and that works if I am successful. I am currently experimenting with working on total relaxation technique – removing the muscle tension surrounding the pelvic region. Usually though, it is gonna happen no matter what I do.
• Don’t have a problem after having two or three days straight with sex at least once that day.
• We just deal with it, no biggie mutual satisfaction is mostly had

Your Turn

Any tips we haven’t covered?