Here are the final results of the oral sex survey I eluded to in my post Is it okay NOT to swallow.
If you don’t want to read through all the stats, you can jump to my summary at the bottom.
Total Respondents
136 (52 women, 84 men)
Data for marriages that don’t practice oral sex (12% of respondents)
Why isn’t oral sex practiced in your marriage?
- I’m not interested: 13%
- My spouse isn’t interested: 75%
- Neither of us is interested: 13%
Interesting note: We’re only dealing with 14 respondents in the oral sex survey who said that oral sex is not part of their marriage. Never-the-less, the women either said they weren’t interested, or it was mutual, whereas the men all said it was their spouse who wasn’t interested. This is a dynamic we’ve seen before, where the wives say something is mutual and the husbands say it is not.
What is the number one reason for not practicing oral sex in your marriage?
- Most cited some sort of cleanliness/health issue.
- The rest cited that the wife was unwilling/unable to make herself/had a hangup about it
Data for marriages that practice oral sex (88% of respondents)
Who performs oral sex more often?
Wives say:
- I do (40%)
- He does (27%)
- Same (33%)
Husbands say:
- I do (47%)
- She does (26%)
- Same (26%)
I’m not sure what to do with this. Do we attribute the “I do more often” to flawed memory (we always think we do the bulk of the work), or to a sex-positive pool of respondents? Perhaps both.
Do you enjoy receiving oral sex?
All of men, but one said “yes”. The one said take it or leave it.
- 4% of women said they don’t enjoy it
- 15% said they could take it or leave it
- 81% said they enjoy it
Do you enjoy giving oral sex?
Nearly all of the men said “yes”. One said take it or leave it , and two said “no”, but none of the three said why.
The women were a bit more diverse. Two thirds enjoy giving oral sex, with one third being split evenly between “take it or leave it” and “no”. Not too many comments on this one. Some cited sore necks, some past sexual history, and one just said “I hate it” to both giving and receiving. Oh, and one was just sad she couldn’t bring her husband to orgasm through oral sex. You’re not alone.
Are you able to orgasm from oral sex?
There is a stereotype that all men like blow jobs, and they all can orgasm from them really quickly. No so! 7% of the husbands said they cannot. The women a bit higher with 19%.
Oral sex survey questions for wives
Do you allow your husband to ejaculate in your mouth?
- No (46%)
- Yes (54%)
This one kind of surprised me. Perhaps because of my own situation, but I didn’t think this would be so close.
So, let’s start with why not. I talked about this a bit in the last post, but here are some of the comments:
- I don’t like the texture, feel, taste..
- Gag reflex and texture issues.
- Only once or twice ever.
- gross
- I don’t like it.
- I have in the past but after finding out just this year of my husbands porn addiction I cannot bring myself to have him do it. I never really liked it in the past anyway. Ftr. He has repented of this sin and has not fallen since I confronted him but I still deal with some trust issues and that act is just something I can no longer do
- I have in the past and probably would in the future but I didn’t like it that much. My husband prefers to ejaculate inside me and the oral sex is more part of our foreplay.
- I am sorry but its just gross. I allowed it one time…
- It just hasn’t really happened for us.
- gross
- Everytime we’ve tried that I’ve thrown up
- I just can’t handle that. I have a major gag reflex and that is just….nasty to me.
- It’s all I can do to not vomit if he does.
- We use it as foreplay usually so we don’t want it to “end” there.
- I find it disgusting. I can’t stand the taste – if he ejaculates, then I run to spit it out. I wish he wouldn’t.
- I did in the beginning of the relationship. It was bitter and nasty and the thought of it makes me want to gag.
- Actually I don’t “not allow” it. He just doesn’t consider it necessary. If it was really important to him I would definitely allow it. It has happened on some occasions.
- gag reflex, taste, texture, smell, husband doesn’t care
- Neither of us are comfortable with it. We have talked about it but never gone forward with it.
- strongly associated with childhood sexual abuse
As you can see, the number one reason seems to be taste/texture/gag reflex/’gross”, which are pretty much all the same reason.
Here are some of the comments from the wives who do:
- Less of a mess. makes it whole and complete in my mind…sharing something beautiful with my husband
- Rarely, but sometimes because I know he likes it.
- If he wants too! It’s not bad and it makes him happy.
- It took me a long time to get to this point. Probably 10+ years of performing before I dared to let him ejaculate in my mouth. I didn’t enjoy the taste, and I guess the whole thought of it seemed a bit gross to me. He always gives me a warning that the ejaculation is coming, and now I can usually let the first squirt come in my mouth and then I pull away and finish him with my hand. (I tried to word this tactfully, but probably didn’t succeed very well. sorry)
- He really enjoys being able to come in my mouth. The sensations that I can give him while he’s ejaculating are intense and unique.
- He has only once. I have no objections.
- I love giving him pleasure. And I think I would feel rejected if he did not like giving me oral sex because he did not like my taste. I don’t want him to feel that way.
- It is not an everytime thing just if it’s something he wants
- Occasionally. He enjoys either
- Because he likes it so much. Its not my favorite because I prefer to end with piv and things are obviously done for the session if he ejaculates in my mouth.
- I love it! And I know he loves it more!
- It has taken yrs. For me to. I just hated the taste & I use to spit it out! Now I love how it pleases him!
- While oral for my dh is given nearly 100% of time, it is almost always just foreplay. It is only given to completion once a month or so. (Sex is usually 4-6/week here) That’s mostly his choice though. I would do it more often if he wanted it. Actually he ejaculates on my face- aka: facial- following a bj more than in my mouth. That happens 2-3/month. It’s just the way our style evolved.
- It is exciting for both of us and makes me feel closer to him.
- Because it works for us
- I know he enjoys it so its something I can do to please him.
- It’s all inclusive. It’s a part of him. Why should I deny any one cell of his body when God has intended us to be one in flesh? Additionally, he doesn’t get grossed out when I get wet during oral sex, he embraces it.
- Because it is a turn on for him, he likes it.
- I really struggle with the thrusting, which tends to gag me. However, if I can manage that, I love, love, love knowing that I’ve been able to do that for him. He has said that it is the most intimate sexual experience for him and makes him feel loved like nothing else does.
Now, from the group that allows it, 58% of them swallow (leaving 42% who opt not to). Most didn’t give a reason either way, but the one that came up the most was that it was easier/more convenience/less of a mess to swallow than spit.
Oral sex survey questions for the husbands
Does it matter to you if your wife lets you ejaculate in her mouth?
- No (53%)
- Yes (47%)
When asked “Why?”, those who said yes commented:
- Because it feels great and it is intimacy at its best.
- It makes things feel more intimate.
- I matters because I prefer it!
- It helps with prolonging the climax.. and frankly I like the taste when she kisses me afterward. usually she would spit it out and not swallow..
- Yes, but like you this has only happened a couple times. I think her response is similar to your wife’s
- I like the feeling of her mouth enveloping me as I orgasm. However, she usually has reservations about letting me cum in her mouth so she usually withdraws just as I’m about to ejaculate and finishes stroking me with her hand.
- feels great
- Sexy. Feels good. Feels like she is taking all of me.
- The physical sensation is incredible. I also feel emotionally closer to her when she does it. For me, it is the most intimate sex act.
- It happened once and she was not cool with it.
- No so much that it goes there, as that I am in her mouth and not removed at climax.
- I want to experience the sensation but never have with her.
While those who said no answered:
- No, but I wish she would. I understand why she doesn’t and don’t fault her for it. She has learned my signs, and keeps me in her mouth so close to the end that it doesn’t seem to bother me. More important than taking it in the mouth is that she not treat my semen as yucky. She is OK if it gets on her hand or chest. That makes me feel excepted.
- It is FUUUUUUNNNNN when it happens but most of the time we both like PIV when I ejaculate.
- I know she doesn’t like it and the last 5 seconds shouldn’t matter as much as the previous minutes of intimacy.
- I’d rather not.
- It would be nice, but oral sex is usually part of foreplay.
- I prefer not to
- I actually prefer her not doing it sometimes because of the way she uses her hands on me as I am ejaculating. Makes the feeling last longer.
- She does allow me and enjoys it. She actually wanted me to do it.
- I would perhaps prefer it, but if she is willing to just give me oral sex then I am happy.
- Just the fact that she goes down on me is amazing. Where I ejaculate is irrelevant. Would I like to in her mouth sometimes? Sure I would, but that’s not a must have.
- It’s not a requirement just for pleasure if she doesn’t I’m fine
- Because getting it at all is rare so being picky about all of the details isn’t helpful.
- She doesn’t like it and I accept that.
- She isn’t comfortable with the idea of it, so I have to respect her wishes in this case.
- Yes, No.. better then nothing..
- Does feel better when I do but would rather have oral sex without orgasm from oral than none at all.
- At this point, no. I’m just hoping to finally have oral sex be a major part of our foreplay. That said, I’m used to her swallowing, but she has confided that she doesn’t like to do it, so I’ve told her she doesn’t have to.
- Well, I love it when she does,which is most of the time, but if for some reason she pulled me out just in time, I’d be ok with that.
- My wife does not like it. Has only done it once.
Does it matter to you if your wife swallows?
- No (71%)
- Yes (29%)
Reasons for caring:
- Never been an issue for us, but I might feel a little…rejected?
- It’s an acceptance thing
- Again, It matters to me, but not enough to make an issue of it and perhaps offend her or make her feel less than adequate for not doing it. If taste and texture are a problem, go deep enough at the critical moment and bypass the mouth and tongue being deposited in or on. Take it straight past the tongue and down the throat. I intake a lot of “matter” when I do oral, especially when she ejaculates. The act is very strong in symbolism for men. When done, we feel TOTALLY accepted and desired. It is not a deal breaker, but it sure is greatly appreciated by most men. For some women, it is a sacrificial or submissive act, but there seem to be many in the blogosphere who seem to both desire and enjoy doing it. Some women say it gives them a feeling of control and power during sex. Okay by me.
- For some reason, the bond I feel with her after a complete OS experience ending with swallowing feels so palpable. It’s an amazing feeling of acceptance and closeness… That she will only do this for me, bring me to the edge of extreme pleasure and then take me completely in. It’s a surreal experience for me–I didn’t think that at first it would be a big deal, but after I experienced it, it triggered something deep and significant in my feelings and bond with here that I had never experienced before. It feels odd to say that, because it seems like it’s such a trivial act (swallowing fluid)–but my experience and my feelings afterward tell me it’s NOT trivial!
- Feels much more respectful, than spitting out
- I prefer it! It’s always the best when she swallows. And no mess to clean up either.
- well, yes and no.. It used to matter more for me, because i felt it as a matter of her not loving me, her not enjoying my taste like I enjoyed her taste.. felt like what was wrong with me that she would spit me out.. but this feeling has subsided…
- Yes, I think there is something that would be a real turn on and a feeling of total acceptance.
- That’s about the most intimate sexual act. It would make me feel she completely accepts me and my body.
- Says to me that she fully accepts me.
- It is part of accepting me. It is a turn on. But she spits. It has taken us 20 years to get to where if I ejaculate in her mouth is acceptable to her. I don’t know if she will ever be comfortable with swallowing or not, but I strongly desire her to.
- Really not sure, but I think it would make me feel more wanted.
Reasons for not caring:
- I just don’t care
- It’s up to her. I like when she does but she doesn’t have to do it.
- I used to think that it would be great if my wife would swallow, but that was when she would seldom give oral. Now that it is a very regular part of our love making when I do ejaculate in her mouth my eyes are rolled so far back in my head and I’m so relaxed that I couldn’t care less what she does with it.
- I’d rather not.
- I think it is gross
- Just doesn’t! I don’t really care either way.
- It’d be hot, but it wouldn’t add enough to the experience to matter.
- She probably would if I asked but she prefers not to swallow.
- She rarely lets it go into her mouth, but if she spits it out I wouldn’t care at all.
- I prefer it but it is not a deal breaker.
- If she lets me ejaculate in her mouth she can do as she pleases with it & she’ll get zero objections from me.
- I’m fine either way
- I know it isn’t always her preference.
- She has never not done it, but it wouldn’t matter to me if she didn’t.
- Nope, we just have a mess to clean up.
- It is totally up to her.
- I’m hoping she’ll let me ejaculate in her mouth, but then will spit it out, swallowing or not is not important. The fantastic orgasm I have from her finishing me with her mouth is.
- We’ve done it both ways. She used to hold it in her mouth, then go spit it out. Then she started swallowing, and she does that almost routinely. A few times she held it,then spit it out into MY mouth (I was aware she was going to do this, except maybe not the first time). While the taste of semen to me is a turn-on before ejaculation, afterwards, not so much, but I still can and do enjoy it.
- I see it as a prove your love kind of thing, which is wrong.
- The intimacy of oral sex for me is not that I have to ejaculate in her mouth. It’s the face she is willing to please me as she is comfortable.
Summary of oral sex survey results
Did you notice a trend in those last two questions? I did. It sort of answered the question I was asking last week. Is it okay for a wife not to allow her husband to ejaculate in her mouth? Is it okay NOT to swallow?
The answer seems to be (for the majority): Yes, it’s okay. Does it matter? … Yes … it still matters. Even those who said it doesn’t matter, in their comments, a large portion of them, in one way or another, said it does matter…but their wife’s feelings and comfort matters more. But still, there seems to be something inside a lot of us men that craves this act: something deeper than a lust or a selfish desire, something that is an innate need.
I see a lot of talk about acceptance in these comments about this topic, and I think acceptance is ultimately what we crave. We want need, to know we are accepted, fully, without reserve by our wives. But, I think, we mistake this need (to be accepted) for a desire for our wives to “complete” oral sex and accept something that feels like the “core” of us. Perhaps it is just symbolic, a proxy for what we really want. I know for me, I can do without it. I feel accepted enough.
Your Turn
So, what did you think of the oral sex survey? Learn anything new? Any interesting pieces for you, anything you were surprised by? Let us know in the comments below.
In general, I get the ‘feel’ from the comments that most husbands want their wives to swallow, but will “settle” for at least getting oral. When I say “settle” what I mean is, if their wives said, ‘yes’ they would swallow (and not as a chore, but genuinely wanting to) then, the men that said it doesn’t matter would, in fact, change their view from a ‘take it or leave it’ to a full ‘yes.’
Very accurate perception on your part, SR. A full yes indeed. It’s not about control, dominance, or her submitting (not speaking theologically here). it is about total acceptance. But, like Jay Dee said, it could simply be a symbolic proxy for a deeper need. LIke Jay Dee too though, to be blessed with oral to completion is enough. Whether a spouse spits or swallows isn’t a deal breaker for me.
Yep, that’s what i noticed myself. I do want to say though, that I don’t feel like I’ve “settled” in any way.
Robyn alludes to an important aspect for the husband – his wife’s enthusiasm in performing oral sex. If the wife is not showing any enthusiasm and appears to be just going through the motions, this detracts from the enjoyment for the husband. Oral sex for the husband is about more than just physical sensations, there is an emotional component and he wants his wife to enjoy doing this.
From the survey, and from comments by husbands on other marriage blogs, it does make a difference for many husbands if the wife accepts the ejaculation inside her mouth. A wife should not be pressured into allowing this, but she may want to at least try it a few times. Many wives have found that with a little experience accepting the ejaculation is not difficult. Even wives who thought they would never do this are surprised when they finally try it that there was nothing to fear. Swallowing is going further, yes, and it is not as important for the husband as the wife enthusiastically taking him to ejaculation without pulling him out at the last second. Oral sex can be a very tender, giving, and loving act when people get over their mental hangups about it.
It is definitely a full yes.
I think if you both work on believing that the other person is TOTALLY into you sexually and that YOU please them and just let things happen..
Tools like this help greatly in communication. But, it would BEVery helpful to review with the wife that you want naked before you (or on top, under, beside, parallel, indoors, outdoors, wet, dry, etc.)
I must say that I love making love with my wife and if we aren’t together frequently, I feel far less interested in other / creative ideas because I don’t want to miss out on being inside of her / making love.
If we ticked off 3 times a week plus or minus, then I would go deep into the playbook!
There are about 750 crazy things I dream about doing with her – just her!
Seriously, I feel like we have some great new chapters to open up. I realize that our sex life goes hand in hand with more quality time / date nights, me not being a jerk, etc 😉
Note to my one follower:
At some point, our perversion shout come out of the iCloset!
And… Into our bed/pilot/hotel, etc.
Do you know that cuddling and hugging release OxyContin? But, if you had an amazing orgasm, that is like a month of hugs?
Oxytocin, not Oxycontin….very different things.
I’m not sure if the strength of the orgasm changes the amount of oxytocin released. I haven’t seen any evidence for that in any study. And I’m not sure that swallowing or not affects the oxytocin levels either. You can orgasm without your wife swallowing.
I’m actually a little surprised how nonchalant the hubbies are about swallowing. I’ve had men contend on my blog that ejaculation in mouth and swallowing are a must for a husband to feel loved, but I felt certain these men were projecting their own feelings onto everyone. Still, I didn’t expect such a large majority of men who didn’t care about the swallowing. I love this one: “I used to think that it would be great if my wife would swallow, but that was when she would seldom give oral. Now that it is a very regular part of our love making when I do ejaculate in her mouth my eyes are rolled so far back in my head and I’m so relaxed that I couldn’t care less what she does with it.” 🙂
And that does make sense. Most husbands are pretty adaptable about exactly how sex happens with their wives, but they want sex to happen! Willingly, frequently, and happily.
Good survey, Jay Dee!
I think there is a minority that is extremely vocal, while the nonchalant ones are … well … nonchalant. They’re OK with the situation, but they’re not passionately “OK” with it.
But, all the studies show that the happiest couples are those that are adaptable. I think that is a vital skill in any marriage.
Adaptability is life to a marriage.
Fair point about the eyes rolled back…
In honesty…
BJ – big points
No swallow – plus 2 bonus
Swallow – plus 4 bonus
Note the word bonus – and only if that works for both!!!
She probably has all sorts of crazy things she wants that I may think go to far ?? But, I doubt it 🙂
I cannot speak for any other man. Frankly this is not a subject i discuss with my friends or colleagues( really!). I love when my wife gives fellatio and swallows “all of me”. Now don’t get me wrong I don’t always feel like receiving a bj and nor does my wife often want to offer. yet she is in the mood and I am too, this is the best way to finish.
I feel so close to my wife after this. in a different way than intercourse.
Oh if only that last sentence were true…… “but they want sex to happen! Willingly, frequently, and happily.” That’s not the case in our home. I’m the higher drive spouse but we only have sex when he wants to – max once a week, avg twice a month, sometimes only once a month or less. My wish would be 2 or 3 times a week.
I’m happy to be told and shown in so many other ways that I’m loved. He tries to replace physical intimacy by telling me that I’m sexy, beautiful, gorgeous, etc to him. I know he’s sincere when he says it but it’s hard to hear that when he doesn’t want to put it into action. Words are a poor substitute for sex. I feel like other things take priority to us setting aside time to form that intimate bond more often. His drive is lower and his excuse is he’s tired.
On the topic, I am willing and happy to give him oral. I’m able to bring him to orgasms, I don’t mind swallowing for his enjoyment but I don’t like the taste. He eats like a 5 year old, no fruits, no veggies, meat & potatoes, lots of fast food & junk food. I know that affects the taste.
He is willing and happy to give me oral, but less often, which I’m OK with. He has never brought me to orgasms though, just uses it more as foreplay.
I’m not as grossed out as I used to be when he kisses me after and I can taste myself.
I was married for twenty years and very few did we not make love.. I loved going down on my wife and I never had to be asked. My wife very seldomly need any encouragements to go down on me. Hell we would give each other head in the car,at the park, driving down the road,in porta potties,on planes, hell we gave each other head all day every day and we enjoyed it
I meant to comment on the discussion on swallowing, that when my husband stopped drinking, I noticed a huge improvement in the taste.
Also, I’ve been very curious about this. Neither of us want to finish oral and then commence with a bunch of kissing.. it just feels weird to “taste” myself. Anyone else have this hangup, or is it just us?
Yes, I’ve heard that myself. Same with smoking, eating red meat, eating any meet, eating more fruit, drinking more water. Basically, the healthier you are, generally the better you taste.
Almost makes me want to go back to raw vegan eating again…just as an experiment…
Just out of curiosity, why’d you give up vegan?
We weren’t 100% vegan for long. But our goal for a while was 80% live food.
But, one of my wife’s aversions during pregnancy is vegetables…makes it hard.
It was also difficult to make meals that the kids would eat.
So, we got a bit lazy, and now we’re back to just dairy free and gluten free.
Hopefully this summer we can head back towards 80% raw food.
I feel the same way. Not at all interested in kissing and tasting myself. That is just gross!
That’s a fairly common preference. Not universal, but common.
happywife, I used to feel the same about the tasting thing , but finally accepted that its just a normal part of our lovemaking. My husband has no inhibitions about switching back and forth from intercourse to oral to get me really charged , so I feel if he tastes ours mixed then I surely can adapt. Swallowing used to also be a hangup but I have overcome that and now I look forward to swallowing and love it as does he. We are not exactly newlyweds, I am 54 and he is 52. I have come to realize that this is what holds a marriage together.
I concur with Jane. My wife has me pretty trained to enjoy going down on her after I orgasm. Mostly because she isn’t finished. Now, it seems only fair for me to be OK with tasting and swallowing our juices if I expect or enjoy her doing it for me.
I can tell you that she really enjoys it as do I. It is so amazing how different we all are.
Jane, what a FINE wife you are, and very in tune with making marriage great!! Husband and wife both are one and totally sharing their bodies is so beautiful. Like you, my wife and I switch back and forth and consider it a normal part of our love. With us, ALL inhibitions are gone. She loves it and I love it. We are a couple 42 and 38 and oral is an exciting aspect of our marriage.
Jane, wives like you are worth their weight in gold!!! I also am married to a wonderful woman like you. My wife is 8 years older (54) and absolutely beautiful inside and out! We have always been open and honest about everything including past sex lives. We have been married 16 years and it has been wonderful. My wife still turns heads of guys in their 20’s and has a very powerful sex drive. She considers oral an essential part of foreplay and always swallows and expects me to do the same. Like you we both practice switching and she always loves it and is no inhibitions with it. My wife is soooo beautiful ( could be a twin of Sally Field ) I am continually in a state of bliss!! Several of her past men want her back but she always laughs and assures me that she is 100% mine forever!!!!!!!!!
We get weak and sick in our house when we don’t eat raw food. But we also get weak and sick (and grumpy-me) if we don’t eat red meat also.
That’s an interesting aversion, never heard of it before. All I ate when I was pregnant was Mexican food, it wasn’t that I didn’t want veggies (at least I don’t remember that it was, it was a long time ago and only happened once) – I just craved Mexican. How long after she delivers can she stomach veggies again?
Hmm, that usually means your missing something in your diet. Not red meat, but rather something in it that needs to be gained from somewhere else. Possibly iron, that tends to be one people forget about and it can cause weakness.
Not too long after pregnancy she can eat them again, it slowly fades. She’s fine now. But summer is easier to buy fresh foods.
Very interesting survey results. I find it surprising that so many find oral sex so “intimate,” because one of the reasons I don’t like it is that it feels very distant and less intimate. One of us is “down there” doing something to the other and I’d rather that we were doing something together, closer to each other. Anyway. Thanks for sharing.
I think for most, it’s less about distance, and more about something else.
For some, it’s control. I’ve heard from some women that they really like the sense of empowerment, to know they can make a guy melt by doing one simple thing. Of course, some women use this maliciously. The flip side of this is knowing your are giving your spouse so much pleasure from doing one simple thing. I think that’s a better viewpoint.
For some it’s just the fact that your “privates” are involved. This part of you that you show to no one but your spouse. Because it’s so “private”, it’s intimate. It’s about fully exposing yourself, not just physically, but emotionally as well.
Women TEND to be the more passive one in the bedroom (not always, don’t kill me high-drive sex-positive wives!), typically the man doing the “work”, so for many men, receiving oral sex is something quite special and unique, when we just sit/lie back, relax and get “taken care of”. That sense of someone focusing our pleasure without having to work for it is comforting, connecting, intimate.
I hope that explains the perspective a bit.
I too found it is interesting that men describe oral sex, specifically, ejaculating into their wives mouths, as such an intimate experience. My husband enjoys receiving oral for foreplay, but has told me that finishing together through intercourse is the most intimate experience for him. And as much as I enjoy receiving oral from my husband, I too feel that PIV is far more intimate, the closest we can be to each other and the best ending of our sexual encounter.
Actually, I agree, I find PIV more intimate as well. I love being able to watch my wife’s face while she experiences so much raw pleasure.
But, there is something about getting a blow job that is…I don’t know what to call it. Sweet it a way. It feels very intimate as well, just in a different way.
As a 38 yr old male I have a great attraction to being blown by women. To me theres power and pleasure in someone doing this to me, yet in a recent relationship I fulfilled this fantasy and came in my lovers mouth it was satisfying for us both. she enjoyed it. However I do crave yearn to make love to her-which isnt happening for other reasons. The desire to cum in a womens mouth is a mix of things for me-power, complete acceptance and giving submission by a female which is beautiful. I feel facials can be degrading as they are often portrayed this way yet depends on the intention of the person. but for me a women taking me into her mouth is so many things a complex of emotions domination and submission giving and receiving vulnerability and pure pleasure. theres power in the women too as she is in control…the man only receives so he is granted power…ist weird cant work it out but its awesome. aloso the fluids are raw. its raw primal stuff.
I would say oral is more vulnerable, not necessarily more “intimate.” As much as I enjoy oral, and the orgasms are usually much stronger and better, I do often find myself declining the offer in lieu of PIV, as there is an intimacy in being so physically connected that just isn’t matched through oral or even manual for that matter. I have noticed that when we are stressed or having a tough time in our marriage, missionary, while often lacking in the fireworks, connects us emotionally in a way that other positions and activities don’t. In fact, I can recall times when I’ve been left feeling less than satisfied through oral even though physically it was more than great. When we are in a really good place in our marriage, and are enjoying regular sex, oral is a nice special treat for some added fireworks.
Interesting. I’m curious, and sorry if I’m digging too much here, but do you only feel this connection with face-to-face sex, or would doggy style or something like that still make you feel as connected?
I’d say that yes, I feel most emotionally connected with face-to-face. Doggy does nothing for me, but we will often move to doggy after I have orgasmed for my husband to finish up that way. I know he enjoys it so I enjoy letting him. Don’t get me wrong, we certainly enjoy a variety of positions and such, but if I had to choose a most intimately fulfilling position it would be face to face. There is just something about being connected from head to toe, arms and legs wrapped that provides a feeling of closeness and connection. Like I said, especially if we are in a tender place.. maybe after a time of tension between the two of us… that face to face just seems to be the most sweet and comforting.
I often like being on top, but again, if I’m feeling an emotional need, I want him on top of me. That is probable a “control” thing. I want him in charge, leading and “covering” me… not the other way around.
But of course, there are many times that missionary doesn’t cut it and we want the hotness of another position or oral. There are plenty of opportunities for it all!
Thanks for the insight.
Oh my goodness, I totally agree with happywife! As a woman, nothing compared to face-to-face sex. Doggy style dose zip for me. (He has recently told me it’s kinda “meh” fit him you, which surprised me. I thought men generally have a dread of the ‘same old same old’ missionary?). Anyhoo, totally agree with the who’s on top, too. I feel more protected and…dominated? When he’s on top. I love it. Me being on top is great too; I like this when I feel more “seductress-like”. Lol. I’m working on that. 😉 oral sex I’d kind of the same way; going down on him doesn’t really do anything for me in itself, but I know it feels Soooooooooo good to him, and that alone is sometimes a turn on. But yeah, it does feel a lot more distant. As far as the ejaculation question; I’ve always let him come in my mouth. But I generally hold it for a few minutes and spit it out later. Maybe one time out of ten I will swallow (Bleh!) But he thinks it is so hot. Lol. So on occasion, I can do that for him 🙂 I cannot STAND oral sex on me. It really surprises me how many women like it! I think hubby would like to try it more often on me, but he didn’t push. Maybe I will try harder to be okay with it. Lol. Something he FITS really want me to do is to talk dirty. Jay Dee, do you have a post about that? I have been systematically going through all your posts for the last two days, and have discovered some great stuff! But hasn’t seen that topic yet. Either way, I will keep reading. Thank you so much for your honesty and you advice!
I don’t have a post on talking dirty yet. I’ll try to write one in the near future.
Many women don’t like oral on themselves, but many of them say that they know it is due to their own hangups about their “lady parts”. They think they are ugly, smell and/or taste bad, or feel wierd, while men usually think they look beautiful, smell awesome, taste delicious and are just fun to play with. Maybe the next time you let him try, focus on how.much he is enjoying it. Let him convince you that you are beautiful everywhere.
Good for you for trying to be more of a seductress for you husband! And I’m glad you are enjoying the posts, I hope they are helping you in that goal.
Jay Dee, you have that whole ebook on dirty talk. Have you forgotten?
No, but this post was written 3 years ago 🙂 I didn’t know that then.
Yep, I realized that after posting but now you get to talk about your ebook!
You’re welcome. ?
I did eventually write an ebook on dirty talk. You can find it here: https://www.uncoveringintimacy.com/shop/introduction-talking-dirty/
I would like to have seen the reasons for the wives not wanting oral sex performed on them. I tried talking to my wife about letting me perform oral sex on her and se responded like I was from another planet
Sorry, I don’t have a lot of data on that. The three reasons submitted for those who didn’t have any oral sex in the marriage were:
1) Taste/comfort
2) Doesn’t feel it’s appropriate (mouths are not meant to go there)
3) Infidelity
No one else gave a reason specifically for why they don’t enjoy receiving.
I’m trying to figure out how to explain this. For women, our genitalia is not an area that is ever exposed, unlike men whose genitalia is on the outside. In the restroom, we never even have to touch our privates… we use tissue when we need to clean up. Men go in the restroom, whip it out, and use their hands to help aim. So, the thought of someone putting their mouth on an area that is so hidden for us can be a really weird, invasive feeling. Perhaps she is feeling that it is a “dirty” area, but possibly just that it is such a “private” area that not even she really sees or touches on a regular basis.
Also, men are generally much more crass about bodily functions and such. Groups of boys sit around and think nothing of having “farting” contests. Women are much more refined and would never dream of such a thing. Men are much more likely to talk about “bathroom” details than women. My husband thinks nothing of sitting on the toilet and stinking up the bathroom while I’m trying to put my make-up on. I choose to take care of that business in private. So, again, to have her husbands mouth down in an area that she takes such care to keep private and rarely even speaks about can be a real stretch.
Does that make any sense?
Not all of us husbands are so…base. I never understood the bathroom humor, farting contests or the like either.
Yes, happywife, it does make sense. Thanks for a woman’s insight .
I dont believe women are as “refined” as they imagine themselves to believe, or should i say, as they would want the world to believe them to be on the outside. The reason i say this is because i once saw a video of a group of about 50 white women, there were no other women from another race or ethnicity, all crammed in a room just to watch a muscular black guy dance around with his junk hanging out. As he would approach diffedent ones they would eagarly take his junk and give him a good blow job while the others anxiously watched waiting their turn. Some would pull their breasts out to have them fondled while all this was going on. To my knowledge, there wasnt any PIV show going on but looking at all these so called respectable women from seemingly all walks of life, it totally changed my view about how innocent they try to pass themselves off. None seemed a bit ashamed and worse, its on youtube for the whole world to see, and its on there forever. It helped me to see that women are as dirty as men when it comes to sex. Given the opportunity in the right situation and they would be willing to do just about anything with a perfect stranger.
I’m not sure I’d take a single video as proof positive of the potential behaviour of all women…
@happywife- that is a wonderful way to explain it. that’s exactly how i feel. i’m prayfully working on it though. i’m working up the courage to try giving OS on Valentine’s day. i am equal parts intrigued and terrified 🙂 however, just having my face and mouth so close to that region is a big step for me. swallowing is the last thing i want to do. not even an option, at least right now. not that i dislike semen or don’t appreciate it for the precious thing that it is, but i don’t have to drink it to appreciate it. i don’t expect (or want) my husband to drink my period fluids or eat my placenta (although i consumed my placenta as pills for health reasons!) although i hope he has a respect for them ;))
My wife made placenta pills out of hers for the last pregnancy….gotta admit, still kind freaks me out. No doubt your husband will love the effort, even if you can’t manage to do it. Just the knowledge that you are trying might be a fantastic valentines present.
my husband is much more open than i am, and is actually the one who encouraged me to encapsulate my placenta. next time, he thinks we should just make it into a smoothie, and save 300.00. my midwife agreed. i have no doubt he would drink a placenta smoothie- he’s that relaxed about bodily fluids . but still, i would never expect him to or be hurt if he didn’t, even though a placenta is one of the most precious things that has ever come out of me (besides my dear daughter!) so any husband who is super disappointed and hurt that your wife doesn’t want to swallow should ask themselves, “would i eat her placenta?” i am kidding. sorta.
We did a homebirth last time, so she prepared the placenta at home and encapsulated it herself.
I get what you mean, sorta. If it meant that much to her, yeah, I definitely would, even if it kind of freaks me out.
kris-anne ; You can bet one thing , thing, he will be very supprised and even more grateful!! For some women it is a slow process to be proficient at oral sex. You first need to realize that it is NOT anything dirty but instead a very beautiful and intimate act of love. Start slow and steady . Each time you will feel more at ease and over time, if your like me, you will love it. There is nothing in semen that is unhealthy for you , in fact some in the medical field claim its good for certain health issues. Please keep trying!!
jane, my wife is very much like you when you tell of “slow process”. My wife was a widow of a minister of a local congregation. We did not have sex until we were married and I was totally shocked at how sexually repressed she was! I, on the other hand, had a very happy marriage to a beautiful and wonderful partner, who loved all kinds of sexual acts and had no hang ups. It has been a long slow road to getting her to open up and enjoy guilt free sex. I bought her several religious CD’s which teach the importance of sex between a husband and wife. Her and her husband had sex only a few times a year, a huge difference from now, as I push for sex at least 2 times a week. I am 52 years old and lost my wife to cancer when she was 40. My present wife is 2 years younger than me and we have been married 6 years. She has undergone a major change in her attitude and views of sex but it is a slow process. For the past couple of years I have been introducing her to oral sex and she has watched the CD’s which was recorded by a minister. I recently admitted that she is excited about her new found freedom concerning sex and how beautiful it all is. She had never had an orgasm in her life until I gave her oral, she actually started to cry after she had her first and very strong orgasm. I explained that that feeling is exactly what sex should be like and this has changed her life! I wonder just how many other women are sexually suppressed like she was. What a tragic shame!
There’s even a cookbook out where every recipe contains semen as an ingredient.
ha! update on hubby’s valentine’s present. i gave him a valentine that says “I’m feeling adventurous today. Pick one! #1. sex outside in the backyard #2 oral sex #3 shower sex.” i thought for SURE he would pick #2, but he picked #1. perhaps OS is not as important to him as i assumed! he’s definitely more of an outdoorsy type. still, thank you for the encouragement to try it. i will definitely continue to pray for the nerve. reading your blog and some Christian sex books has taken away some of the stigma for me and desensitized me to the weirdness factor.
Thanks for the update! I was going to ask tomorrow how it went.
It’s WAY too cold here for outdoor sex.
I’m curious, what books are you reading?
“sexually confident wife”, “red hot monogamy”, and currently reading “good girl’s guide to great sex.” they have all been tremendously helpful.
s!
we are in flip flops and t shirts where we live, so weather should be fabulous! and it’s a full moon.
That is a good list of books, I think I have, and have read, them all.
As for the weather…wow. We haven’t seen the ground in weeks, perhaps months. Snow everywhere. It’s been pretty frigid this winter.
update: valentine’s was amazing. even conquered my fear and gave hubby some oral attention. for like 10 seconds, but still, a major breakthrough. backyard sex is pretty awesome. now as a new tradition, every full moon, we want to do it outside (weather permitting, of course.)
Woo! Good for you!
My wife and I didn’t meet until we were in our 30’s. Both of us have a previous marriage and both us went for many years before truly accepting the Lord as our savior. So needless to say both of us have had a bit of a colored past. Both of us accept that in each other and know that we have been forgiven, we even sometimes discuss our past with each other. And, yes, believe it or not it has brought us closer, that much sharing may not work for everyone though. The first time I performed oral sex on a woman was because I had heard a lot about it and had always wanted to try it. I’ve never looked back, loved to do it from the first time and still do. I really enjoy the way my wife tastes and making my wife orgasm this way makes her taste better to me.
As for my wife, her first time she said she really didn’t know what to do so she swallowed and has told me about it was around 50-50 spit-swallow. She does with me, she says, because of how much I enjoy it and that she like the flavour. She also has said that alcohol does affect flavour in a negative way and that mine has improved with a better diet. The biggest difference she has told me is the emotional factor. And I would have to agree, I’ve always like to perform oral sex but with her, I love it.
It’s really important to me but for a long time I thought it was because if the act itself and the fact that it’s “hot” and “sexy.” Now after talking to my wife about why she stopped before and felt uncomfortable doing it my view changed and I realized that as our relationship began to improve (we had major issues for a while because of some life choices I made) it was something I felt I NEEDED because of the connection it brought to us. Once I was able to convey that or realize that it because not as much of a issue and I learned to accept her and to my surprise it made her WANT to give it to me. It’s a true gift that a wife can give a husband and unless the woman physically can’t do it I think they should for the sake of the husband. If there are hang ups talk about them (something we failed to do for a long time until just recently).
I just came across your survey site so forgive me if this question has already been surveyed. What about sexless marriages? How long married? How long has it been since you last had intercourse of any kind? Why?
No, I don’t think I have asked that question before. I’ll add it to my list of future surveys.
This was a very insightful article and comments. This is the first time I’ve visited your site. We have been married for 5.5 years. I LOVE giving oral sex to my wife and would love it if she would reciprocate. I try to use oral sex as a method of foreplay about 75% of the time we have sex (the other 25% of the time I don’t try because things develop too far out we don’t have much time) buy she only allows me to do it about 50% of the times I try and even then not for very long. Rarely will she allow me to be there long enough to make her orgasm fully even though that is my goal everytime. But usually, even thought she is really enjoying it, she wants to move into PIV with her on top (the only position she’ll allow over the past two years) before she goes. She had never really given me oral sex. The most I ever get is a few kisses of a lick once or twice while I eat her in the 69 position for several minutes.
I would love for her to enjoy oral sex as much as I do and for it to be a mutually beneficial act (I really feel so close and intimate to her during it, there is just something special about having my face go infused into such an intimate part of her and tasting her passion juices, and don’t care about going in her mouth but would be more than OK to finish with PIV). But I am terrified about taking with her about it. She doesn’t allow us to talk about sexual topics much and gets mad if she thinks that I’m thinking about it sex too much even though we are strictly monogamous. I’m worried that it I don’t address the subject then things will never change but if I do address the subject she will run away from the topic, be pissed of at me, not allow me to give oral, and make sex more awkward in the future. I feel like she resented it if I make a request so I’m timid about asking for anything in the bedroom.
Please give me your thoughts and suggestions about how to broach the subject. Does this sound like a common issue or am I alone? It’s taken me so long to get her comfortable with receiving and I’m scared about ruining that going into the future.
What do you call “so long”? It took my wife nearly a decade to reciprocate. Sometimes you have to be patient. She had to get comfortable with the idea.
Of course, communicating about it would probably help, if not speed it up, then at least help you understand her reluctance.
We’ve been married for 5 and a half years and she has only recently (within the last 6 months) opened up to receiving oral. So “so long” referred to about 5 years. But I’ve noticed that she has opened up to it for brief period in the past then relapsed, so I’m hoping she doesn’t relapse again. I guess that means I’m half way to your decade mark.
This weekend I think we made a little progress. After good sex where I have her oral in 69 I encouraged us to have a conversation reflecting on the morning as a whole. I told her about all of the reasons that I enjoy giving her oral, ie: the texture, the taste, her pleasure, the intimacy it represents… I think it went a long way to helping her be more receptive to receiving but I’m too scared to make straight out references to her reciprocating it yet.
From what I’ve learned in the past her hesitancies are along the following lines: 1) she associates all not PIV sex with actions that would only happen in porn and therefore doesn’t want anything to do with it. She thinks that the only reason that I would be requesting oral is because of a desire to reinact something that I had seen when I had viewed porn before our marriage. I can tell that time is healing this concern but I worry about it popping back up in her mind. 2) she wants PIV everytime (which I’m fine with) but also wants it to last as long as possible so she doesn’t want to stimulate my penis in anyway before PIV. This is the topic I don’t know how to address with her. Any suggestions?
Also, do you have a survey that found how long it usually takes for a lower sex drive wife to open up to giving oral?
Sounds like she’s making progress, even if it’s slower than you’d like. I’d say keep communication open and let her come to it on her own. Feel free to express your own desires, and what they mean to you, but don’t pressure.
No, I don’t have any survey that tells how long it took lower drive wives to being open to specific activities, but I’ll keep it in mind for the future.
Reading a few of these comments all I can say is (if you are one of those uptight women who are unwilling to do the deed) get ready to be old, out of shape, and single again, ladies. Might as well gain 40 lbs, cut your hair short, stop shaving your vaginas and hell, your legs too (if you have not already done so), seeing as all you care about is yourselves and what YOU want.
BUT YOU SHOULD KNOW THIS: Seeking Arrangement (website) and others like it are out there and growing at an astronomical rate. They are operating in every zip code providing unhappy husbands with 1000’s of willing partners. Your biggest threat other than your own frigid views…young girls who have NO QUALMS about sucking, swallowing, anal and three-ways. Average cost: $100.00-$200.00 per visit. If your man can’t put away $200.00 here and there, then you guys are so broke you won’t last anyway.
Here is the rule you should assume is active in your relationship; married or just dating: IF YOU ARE NOT TAKING CARE OF YOUR MAN, SOMEBODY ELSE IS.
So ladies…what’s more important? Your antiquated views and selfish preferences, or your relationship? If you REALLY find it disgusting, you need mental help.
Not quite the way I would have phrased it…
Plus, I don’t think that this paints the picture that men need oral sex in order to stay in a committed relationship. I mean, that’s a pretty bad statement to make against men in general.
Awesome
I do enjoy my wife swallowing and when I give her oral, I do everything possible to give her a better orgasam than the last. I think she loves giving oral but not too fond of the taste /texture and I guess I’m lucky because she does not waste it….never. If by chance she’s not prepared to swallow we displace it in other areas. But it’s fun for me to get but more fun to give. It’s a rush and powerful to give what I feel is the ultimate orgasam. I like it when she does her lips with liner and lipstick and I watch her sensuality and eroticism come alive…but it’s rare. That would be my only request to receive more and for years it’s been very inconsistent. Outside of this I’m very happy with our relations.
I have recently read the results of the survey, very interesting. I am very surprised, however, that none of the women mentioned the smell issue. My husband recently asked me why it seems that whenever I am giving him a blowjob I try to make him finish us quickly as possible. I really wanted to say because I do not want to have my nose right up against your pungent pair of sweat-drenched balls for any longer than absolutely necessary. But, I did not. So now, I am forced to pretend like I am trying to make it last in order to avoid any more awkward questions. Honestly, I dread every second of it because of the smell and do not really know what to do about it.
So, why didn’t you tell him the truth? I mean, is it really so horrible to say “Dear, you’ve been sweating all day, and the smell is not terribly pleasant. If you could take a shower right before sex, I will be happy to give you a longer blowjob.”
Isn’t that preferred to having to suffer and fake your way through it trying to avoid an awkward conversation?
Great comments on an age old form of intimacy. Love is giving and receiving. We find our medium in between.
I wonder how many husbands would go down on their wives after he’s ejaculated in her. Clean her up, like she would him if she swallowed.
Good question! I know some do, but I don’t have a stat. I’ll try to keep it in mind for next time I run a survey in oral sex.
For those of you women who are Christians and feel skeptical about receiving semen orally, check out the website – http://www.praying4you.net/misconceptions-by-the-church.html – which shows from a Christian standpoint the God given benefits of semen, even quoting it from scripture itself. God created it, and what God created is VERY GOOD.
I really liked this post. It was really interesting but it Reminded me of how much I enjoy oralsex and how little my wife wants do it. After our daughter was born she just stopped wanting to do it. She doesn’t even want to touch my penis. It’s been over 40 days since we had sex and I asked her if she would be willing to at least give me a handjob but she said ” Oh no! And then I am going to touch my daughter?!” It wasn’t like I asked her to do it when our daughter was there. I meant that we could do it in the night but she said no! Oralsex is also of the chart. That’s really sad. Especially since she was the one who taught me about oralsex. She gave me my first blowjob. And sadly it was before marriage. She didn’t force me but she wanted to do it and I sinned Anders it happen. I guess I am being punished for all of that now.
I wonder how many women liked oralsex before they had children and now doesn’t like it. It would be interesting to see if there are many who just stopped liking it for some reason.
Alcohol does make a huge difference in a mans taste, I informed my husband he must choose, BJ or alcohol. He stopped drinking and I then made sure that he drank plenty of pineapple juice and ate fruits. At 51 I still enjoy giving oral and swallowing is great when he tastes pleasant . I have averaged giving him a BJ a couple times a week since we have been together ,31 years and after the alcohol ended it has become very exciting for us both. He has told me many times that all men would cherish a woman like me ! For me, its a wonderful way to keep our sex life supercharged !!! Danielle
Good choice.
I am a little disappointed in this survey. First, I thought it was about “Oral Sex”, which means, in my book, fellatio & cunnilingus. Turns out this is only about the former with no mention of cunnilingus or even 69!! Sounds like a typical survey by a man!
Did you read the survey? It included both…
I don’t understand why so many women have a problem with giving oral sex (or receiving for that matter). My first time doing such a thing was when I was 15, I swallowed, and I thought it was a fun thing to do. While “going all the way” didn’t happen until my college days, I was quite mischievous when it came to boys and zippers, because I really did like it. Now that I’m married, I limit my behavior to just my husband; and I still enjoy it very much.
Accept—and Embrace—His Semen
I would like to encourage you to pursue enjoyment of your husband’s semen.
Accepting your husband’s semen can include the following:
Smiling when you see it or touch it.
Inviting your husband to ejaculate in your mouth or on your body.
Letting the semen stay on your body for a little while after sex.
Rubbing it on your body.
Using positive and encouraging words to let your husband know that you love his semen or want to feel his semen in you, or on you.
Swallowing during oral sex.
It really does matter.
I’ve been with my wife 20 years and it still something I get upset over. By upset I mean cry to myself without her knowing.
I feel rejected, not accepted and less of an important person to her.
She has never done it for me and by that I mean actually take me to orgasm. I crave it and its become something that eats away at me all the time.
She’s done it with previous partners and she has said that to me. I’ve spoken to her about it and she says you’ve got to try it to know you don’t like it. That makes me feel really special, really important to her!!! Whats more, I’ve never experienced it with anyone and I suppose that makes it even worse. To know she’s given herself and the level of intimacy to someone else and not me just tears my hear out.
Reading the comments about it ‘switched a level of intimacy on’, ‘creates a special bond’, I need that.
It knocks my confidence, makes me feel disgusting, rejected and like there is a hole missing from ‘us’.
We have a house, children, honesty, loyalty and everything else most people could ever wish for, yet I still feel the way I do. Rejected and disgusting!
I can totally relate, but I think you are giving it too much power. I have no idea what it would feel like to finish in my wife’s mouth. My wife from the start has said that she finds oral sex degrading to women, and she does not want to engage in it. Of course, I argued that it was not. At which point she told me that she has done it multiple times (obviously with before our marriage), and she hated it, so she knows. That is a thought that is hard to get out of your mind. Having said this, it is her right. I love and respect my wife. You must learn to love and respect your wife too. That is the most important thing. I am sure your wife loves you and I am sure she would be willing to show it to you in a different way, just not by oral sex. Good luck.
A good Christian counselor can help get this out in the open with her safely. Focus on the Family has good referrals.
My (EX) wife told me, when we discussed it once we are married now,I don’t feel like I should have to do that anymore. That’s why she is my ex. I decided since you are gonna play that game let me take a count of the things I don’t think I should have to do anymore
Are you saying you divorced because of a lack of oral sex?