A few weeks ago, we wrote about mutual masturbation and tacked on a survey at the end. I had meant to write a more substantial post today on another topic, but to be honest, my brain is exhausted, and I just can’t wrap my head around something too deep today and do it justice, so I’m going to sort of phone it in and just present the results of the survey. Maybe I’ll do another bonus post on a quick topic again later in the week to make up for it, no promises. As is the custom, my wife’s comments will be in purple.
Single Question Answers
Gender
- Husband – 54% (84)
- Wife – 46% (71)
Total Respondents: 155
I guess it’s a touchy subject…not nearly as many respondents as our other recent surveys.
How many years have you been married?
- 1 to 4 years – 15%
- 5 to 9 years – 23%
- 10 to 14 years – 25%
- 15 to 19 years – 12%
- 20 to 24 years – 11%
- 25 to 29 years – 7%
- 30 to 34 years – 6%
- 35 to 39 years – 1%
- 40 to 44 years – 1%
Do you include mutual/shared masturbation in your marriage?
- Mutual Masturbation (both spouses) – 36%
- Shared Masturbation (one spouse) – 21%
- We don’t do this (neither) – 43%
How old are you?
- 20 to 24 – 3%
- 25 to 29 – 19%
- 30 to 34 – 14%
- 35 to 39 – 19%
- 40 to 44 – 13%
- 45 to 49 – 16%
- 50 to 54 – 10%
- 55 to 59 – 5%
- 60 to 64 – 1%
- 65 to 69 – 1%
How many times a week do you have sex?
- Less than once a week – 17%
- Once a week – 20%
- Twice a week – 23%
- 3 times a week – 15%
- 4 times a week – 15%
- 5 times a week – 4%
- 6 times a week – 3%
- 7 times a week – 1%
- 8 times a week – 1%
- 9 times a week – 1%
How many times a week do you share masturbation with your spouse?
- Less than once a week – 62%
- Once a week – 26%
- Twice a week – 5%
- 3 times a week – 4%
- 4 times a week – 1%
- 6 times a week – 1%
- 7 times a week – 1%
- 8 times a week – 1%
So, more than half are sharing this activity with their spouse, but the vast majority are doing so less than once a week. I wonder, is this something you both enjoy? Do you want to do it more often? Or is it purely a back up activity if normal PIV isn’t possible or doesn’t end in an orgasm?
Combined Questions
Does length of marriage have a correlation to sharing masturbation?
- 01 to 4 – 50%
- 05 to 9 – 60%
- 10 to 14 – 61%
- 15 to 19 – 56%
- 20 to 24 – 65%
- 25 to 29 – 64%
- 30 to 34 – 44%
Not really, it’s fairly even across the board. The fluctuations are fairly minor really. I had expected something different. I had thought that as you grew in your marriage, the familiarity and the comfort level would increase, and so couples would be more willing to incorporate this into their activities. And we see a bit of a rise (10%) from the first 5 years, but beyond that, it’s a negligible gain until after the 30 year mark when it seems to die off. Age seems to have a bit more of a pattern, but not much again. Under the age of 35, only 49% of the marriages participate in this. After that it jumps to 70% and slowly declines back down to 50% by the age range of 60 to 64.
There is also the thought that as you are married for longer, you get into a rhythm or pattern, you don’t really want to venture into new territory of exploring something new like this. Perhaps you are afraid of the reaction of your spouse if you wanted to try it. I would say that communication is key to unfolding an activity like this. It is a touchy subject that takes the right time and opportunity to bring up.
Do couples who use mutual masturbation in their sex life have more sex?
Short answer: Yes.
Couples who don’t use any sort of shared masturbation at all are having sex, on average 1.7 times a week. The couples who are sharing mutual masturbation have sex on average 2.8 times. This isn’t insignificant. This is just over once a week more. Why is this?
Well, we don’t know really. I could hazard a few shots in the dark though. I’d guess that:
- Couples who have more sex tend to have more of all kinds of sex.
- Couples who are more comfortable with their own bodies and are willing to be seen naked and vulnerable with their spouse have more sex.
- Couples who teach each other and explore together how they like to be touched, or how they achieve orgasm easier might have more sex, because it’s more pleasurable and leads to orgasm more often and/or faster.
- Having more orgasms tends to want you to have more orgasms. So, any sort of sex (manual, oral, etc.) which ends in orgasm is likely to make you more likely to want sex in the near future.
All of Jay’s guesses make sense. I know for ourselves it came into play when we increased our frequency and wanted to spice things up a little. We had other issues as well, but all 4 of those things he mentioned were true for us. I would also say that when you participate in mutual masturbation that you will get more comfortable with your own body and allow yourself to be more vulnerable, so that one can go both ways.
Your Turn
Let us know what your thoughts are on the results. Is a correlation we didn’t check that you’d like to see? Or something we should ask in a future survey? Let us know in the comments below.
If you have questions about masturbation in marriage, you might be interested in these:
- Is masturbation a sin?
- Why masturbation is a problem, whether you’re married or single
- Is Mutual Masturbation OK for Married Christians?
- If masturbation is sinful, what do you do if you don’t orgasm during sex?
- What Is Your Opinion Of Solo Masturbation Due To Separation?
- Is masturbation for medical reasons okay?
- Why do married men masturbate?
- What do you do if you suspect your spouse of secretly masturbating?
- My Husband Admitted To Masturbating, How Do I Get Over The Hurt?
- Why does my low-drive spouse masturbate?
This is off topic but survey oriented. I was wondering what your blog following looks like demographically as to age, sex and number or years married. If you feel this is something proprietary don’t answer. If you would rather answer by mail, that’s fine too. Just kind of curious as to where I fit in the picture. I appear to be in the minority in many areas. I imagine these surveys help you determine the focus of the blog to some degree when creating posts and trying to decide which way to go.
It is by it’s nature a “touchy subject,” but I think the timing had a lot to do with participation. The blogosphere seems to be in the post-holiday winter doldrums in a widespread way. It may be that a lot of people just have no input because they don’t do it and the survey structure seemed skewed to those that did. More about why do you and how often than why not if you know what I mean. Also, there may be less actual mutual masturbators because most may feel when the real deal is in front of you, why do that? I can think of a bunch of reasons why myself, but I may be in a minority and that’s why so few respondents.
That makes me wonder from a future survey standpoint, how many people look at sex as also adult play? I would venture to guess that if they do, they would be more inclined to engage in “playing with” their partners and their bodies. When some of us were younger and before intercourse, we may have “played” at sexual interaction and now that we are married and “legal”, we no longer have to play at sex. It may be that as we aged, we forgot the joy of play or feel the pressure of time constraints so lets just get to it. How many older or lengthy married couples would consider devoting an hour to sexually playing with one another and exploring their bodies prior to intercourse or only as an activity in its own right?
I don’t have any demographics on readers. I could pulls some from surveys, but that’s a demographic of survey respondents. And facebook has demographics, but that’s again not a true demographic of the readers, only those who are willing to say on Facebook “I like Sex in Marriage”.
At the moment, Facebook says that my fan base is made up of 64% women. The largest age groups are 25-34 and 35-44 for the women, and 35-44 and 45-54 for the men. The 90% of fans come from the USA. Following in order are Canada, Africa, India, and South Asian countries.
If you go by the second-last survey (the last one didn’t have as many respondents), it says 59% of my respondents are male. The age splits can be found in some of the surveys. But it seems men are more likely to respond to surveys, but women are more likely to become a fan on Facebook.
Good questions for future surveys. I’ll have to find a way to codify them into questions that can be data points. That’s always the trick.
I am very active in support for the wives of men who have had prostate cancer. I have been for over 8 years and hear from many strong Christian wives. Men are receiving a prostate cancer diagnosis as early as their 40s. Problems with ED or lack of desire are huge, especially if the man is on hormone deprivation therapy which is referred to as chemical castration. This can wreak havoc and even destroy the strongest of marriages. My comments are neutral and neither condemn or condone what goes on in the privacy of the marriage bedroom. Many Christian couples as well as others wonder if mutual masturbation is Ok with God. My view is that the marriage bed is undefined. If both partners are fine with it you can maintain precious intimacy that is lacking in your marriage during this difficult time. Many times this is a temporary situation. Some woman find sexual release themselves while their husband kiss, hug and just enjoy watching their wife find sexual release. This can help the wife to feel cared for and take her through the rough times. .Also for penile rehab purposes keeping sexual activity going is vital. After prostate cancer treatment obtaining from sexual activity can result in atrophy for the man. It is true that you most use it or lose it. Men tend to withdraw at this time and I also know that many wives are frustrated by the lack of intimacy because of the emotional and physical ravages of this disease. You find yourself striving for a new normal. I think this is a very personal and individual decision. If you have not faced this cancer with your spouse do not judge.
You know what struck me? Given that females start exploring sexuality on themselves at a much earlier age – why so touchy about the subject? It speaks to me that, our sexual curiosity is some how … some way being stifled. (girls and early discovery isn’t a fact – just random observations I’ve collected from myself my friends and their daughters).
It is rather odd that it’s currently all the rage to talk about the pleasures of sex and how indulging in them should not be a source of shame but this one area of sexual pleasure is still taboo enjoy and almost taboo to talk about. If baby’s are observed touching their genitals on sonograms before they have any knowledge of “sex”, it would seem to be a natural function. One might be inclined to argue that just shows how deeply imbedded our sin nature is, but I don’t buy into that argument. That would have to be based upon the supposition that masturbation IS a sin and I’m not buying into that one either. I’m not one to place much credence in an argument this is validated by taking a piece of scripture and turning it upside-down and inside-out as a testimony. By the same token, if I don’t find a scripture obviously condoning or advocating something, I won’t look for something to twist and turn to my advantage either. Then we get to the final fallback: “Well, there’s a lot of things the Bible doesn’t speak directly against, but that doesn’t give us license to do them either based on some Romans 5:20/6:1 trumped-up argument by people who just want to decide what is sinful based on religious legalism. But then, I digress.
If my penis touches your vulva for reasons other than procreation and it feels good, that’s okay. But, if my/your hand touches my penis or your vulva for pleasure exclusive of procreation, that’s not okay? If I am doing this with my spouse’s approval or knowledge it’s okay. If they don’t know or approve, it’s not okay? If I am not depriving my spouse, it’s okay to masturbate. If my spouse is depriving me and disapproves, it’s not okay? If my spouse is not denied, but disapproves, I can’t masturbate for tension/stress relief or sexual release? What about if she/he disapproves of meditation for stress relief too. Is that also okay? How much control does/should the other exercise over our life if they are not being harmed or denied? Is it time to roll out Cor 7 and turn it on it’s head so we can control our spouse as opposed to serve them?
Masturbation is so fraught with double standards, shame and denial how can we begin to discuss it productively? Insert fingers in ears; now go LALALALALALALA. Discussion over. Don’t poke the grumpy bear with the stick, kids.
Well said.
Well, score one for me on clarity for a switch. 🙂 I didn’t confuse Robyn.
@SR
Well read. 😀
Well, I still hold that solo masturbation is wrong myself. I think you make some leaps in logic here. To me, it’s not about what is touching what, it’s about sexual activity with your spouse, or not with your spouse.
I have read and understand your position on solo masturbation. We can certainly agree to disagree. You won’t find me trying to justify my opinion here on your blog or trying to change your mind. I only spoke of it here as germane to your post and not out of disrespect to you or your position or as an attempt to subvert or discredit your position. As a matter of fact, I have that post bookmarked for reference to reread from time-to-time. You never know; it may change my mind someday.
No problem Dan.
I understand Dan. I personally don’t think ALL masturbation is wrong, but it’s like a lot of things – it needs to be something that doesn’t damage the marriage relationship. Your example of meditation… if for example you meditated all the time instead of spending any time with your spouse, that would be sinful. Meditation is obviously not inherently sinful, but it can become sinful if you place more importance in it than your spouse. Another example is if you had spent all your time meditating and neglecting your spouse, and after you broke that habit, your spouse was still hurt by your occasional meditation because it brought back painful memories, it would be wrong to keep reminding your spouse of the pain you have caused. However, if you haven’t neglected your relationship, and you have a good reason to meditate eg you have high blood pressure and your doctor has suggested it, and your spouse just doesn’t want you to do it because they are selfish and want you to pay attention to them every waking second, then the sin lies with them for wanting to deny you something you need for your health, that it’s not reasonable for them to demand your every waking moment.
That’s how I see masturbation. If your spouse is sexually satisfied, if you’re not neglecting sex nor neglecting your spouse or kids or God in some other way (eg masturbating all the time instead of going to work, or helping out around the house, or spending non sexual time with your spouse, or neglecting things like going to church, reading the bible etc), then I don’t see the harm in a little self pleasure. It’s like any other hobby you enjoy – good in moderation as long as it doesn’t interfere with the things that matter and as long as it’s not hurting your spouse through reminding him/her of previous related hurtful things.
Excellent posting, Dan. I occasionally check in on this web site and this topic, specifically, to see how much discussion it receives. Like you, I have to “agree to disagree” with Jay. He is fundamentally opposed to solo masturbation and seems to think it’s only acceptable and justified in the presence of one’s partner. I suppose he’s entitled to his opinion, but (obviously) he sees everything through his religious “filter.” I submit that the whole issue of religion and masturbation is one of “interpretation.” I submit that it is entirely possible for a person (or two partners) to believe in God and yet retain the right to pleasure their own body – together or apart. We’ve been happily married now for 46 years, and from what I’ve been able to discern, we’ve had a happier, more satisfying sex life than a lot of couples out there. Before my wife and I ever met, we were both happy, well-balanced people who had healthy outlooks on sex and self-pleasure, in specific. But just because we decided to become husband and wife didn’t mean that we abandoned self-pleasure or “downgraded” it as a legitimate form of sex; as something that was “inferior” to intercourse. Our sex life always embraced masturbation as a form of pleasure equal to any other. Neither one of us was ever “threatened” nor did we ever feel “left-out” because the other person exercised their right to pleasure themselves in private. Sharing masturbation was always an important and joyous part of our activities, but we always gave one another the “space” necessary to enjoy and explore our own bodies, ourselves. I don’t agree with people – religious or otherwise – who seem to think that ALL sexual pleasure within a marriage has to “originate” from a shared experience.
I found the results of the mutual masturbation survey disappointing, but that’s because we’re a couple that has always embraced masturbation. We “came out” to each other during the first year of our marriage, admitting that although we loved one another and liked the idea of virtually unlimited sex, we still loved ourselves and we didn’t want to put that “on the shelf” as though it was an inferior form of sexual pleasure. We had both enjoyed masturbation since we were pre-teen and had no intention of abandoning that pleasure. Coming to terms with that as a couple was incredibly liberating. We didn’t have to “hide” our private self-pleasure or lie about it, and we gave one another the time and space needed for solo pleasures. Shared and mutual masturbation became an equal part of our total sexual pleasures. We have been married for 44 years.
I could be wrong, but I believe that the blog host – Jay Dee – has removed some recent responses (his and mine) from this discussion. If I am wrong, sorry. If I am correct, why would you do that, Jay?
I don’t think that it is unreasonable to suggest that where “potential for damage” is concerned (in the broadest sense) that the concepts of “moderation” and “self-control” should come into play. You would have to agree with me that SOME people should avoid things like alcohol altogether. Others don’t have a real problem with it. SOME people should avoid multiple trips back to the dessert section of all-you-can-eat buffets. SOME people should moderate their intake of sodium and fats. But, if we must swallow the concept that “guns don’t kill people – people kill people,” then it’s fair to suggest that the “evil” or “risk for damage” does not lie within the object itself, but with the inability or refusal of humans to moderate their desires. Erotica – per se – does not kill marriages.
I have never deleted any comment that was not spam. Moderation is not a Biblical concept as far as I can tell, though it has become popular in Christianity. I think all people should avoid alcohol, I think all people should eat healthy, and I think guns should be banned.
Wow! I guess then that you believe slings should have been banned back when David was was a kid in the Old Testament.
A sling is quite a bit different than a gun. A sling takes training to wield, but anyone can pick up a gun and be deadly with it instantly.
In the US, about 32,000+ (it keeps climbing) people die from gun shots annually, another 80,000 non fatal gun shot wounds. I can’t even find a stat about slingshot deaths…apparently it doesn’t happen often enough (correction, found one death in 2010…).
Anyways, I don’t want this to devolve into a pro vs. anti gun discussion.
That’s because guns were not one vented during David’s time or you can bet they would have had them. And with less laws regulating them. The difference then was that laws were strictly enforced. Guns are like drugs. Drugs are illegal, outlawed, they kill people and ruin lives both young and old every day, yet there are far more drugs around than guns. A gun in the hands of a law abiding citizen being controlled is no more dangerous than a bottle of hydrocodone in the hands of that same citizen. Let’s just go ahead and outlaw knives, baseball bats, letter openers, rope, cars, bricks, etc., all which are items that criminals are on record using as murder weapons.
And what did you think about the actual topic of the post?
some of us are more opinionated than others LOL
I think this is an awesome blog and a great topic. This is a true breakthrough in Christianity that, in my opinion, needs to be discussed openly as we are doing. You get huge applause from me on that. However, you can’t mix in opinionated idealologies such as “guns should be banned”, advertise that to a diverse audience, and not expect some pushback by Christians such as myself who have very strong beliefs against that. Saying that on your own is fine, but there are kids out there who also read this type of freely published material and in my case especially, because I have teenage kids who are at that age where they are forming their own opinions, I make every effort to explain both sides of the argument. I understand the argument better than most (a former US Marine, Texas resident, hunter, and friends with people who have fallen victim to gun violence). But it’s your blog, and post what you wish, just be prepared this type of feedback on those types of issues. As far as the subject and the point of the blog, in my mind you are a true hero and you have no idea how much these posts have helped my marriage. For that I am extremely grateful. And I mean that sincerely.
Well, thank you, I appreciate that, and I am truly happy that your marriage could benefit. That is why I write.
As for the “opinionated ideologies”, people are welcome to comment as they like, I have never blocked a comment that was not spam. You are welcome to have very strong beliefs against it as I have very strong beliefs for it. If you wish to discuss them, feel free to email me. Just keep in mind, I’m not military, Texan, or even American, so some of my ideologies might offend you as each or all of those things.
Me and my wife have been married now for 14 years and mutual masturbation is a regular part of our sex life. My wife found it hard to reach climax during sex and oral. I let her watch me masturbate and she slowly became more comfortable with the idea of masturbation. We now masturbate together a few times a week and our sex and bond has become stronger