Here’s a question I received a while back. I’ll be honest, I don’t even know what channel it came through, either one of our surveys or our Have A Question page I’d imagine. In either case, our reader asks:
Is it okay for me to use a toy as foreplay with my husband to ensure we both orgasm and enjoy sex?
And I thought I’d tackle it today because I have a cold and can’t handle anything to deep philosophically or theologically at the moment. Plus, I’ve already written about my position on sex toys, so I can refer to that article for those deeper levels. In case you don’t want to read the other article, the short answer is: I see nothing wrong with sex toys so long as the focus doesn’t become the toy and/or you don’t become dependent on it.
So, is it okay to use a toy as foreplay with your husband? Yeah, why not? In fact, since it generally takes longer for women to orgasm than men, this is a great way to close that “gap”, but, if I may make a suggestion or two:
Try not to become dependent on it. If you are using a toy every time as part of foreplay and without it sex doesn’t “work”, then, I think there’s cause to take a second look, figure out what’s going on.
Make sure you are involving your husband somehow. I am not suggesting, and I hope you’re not asking, if you can go off and masturbate alone so that when you start sex, you’re all worked up. This should still be a shared intimate time together. Some ways to do this are:
- Let him have the toy and use it to get you all worked up
- Let him watch and/or touch you in other ways
- Depending on the toy, for example, something like a We-Vibe that will stay in place, you can have it going while he gives you a back massage. He gets to run his hands all over your naked body, and you get a massage with an “extra”, sounds like a win win.
Your Turn
What would you say to this reader, any ideas, tips or tricks?
Generally, all the man needs is to have his genital, his penis, thrusted in some cavity in the woman’s body. But generally, for the woman, her body requires much more than thrusting. Don’t scold and blame women for being women.
A woman needs caressing, stroking, kissing, and probably a little contact with her clitoris. She needs some of these or all of these. Is it too much for a man to provide this? Are we being unfair when we tell women to use sex toys, but do not tell men to use sex toys? The answer is, yes.
Don’t scold women for not having the “great”. penis, that usually goes off at the least little stroke or thrust!! Women are not like THAT!! We are do not have penises. We are divinely made the way we are.
Men supporters and worshippers, please do not continue telling women that something is wrong with us, because our sexual desires do not match your constant strong need for sex. Women are not as needy as a men’s desires. Stop scolding us.
And women out there……….please stop agreeing with these men and anti women writers who scold us. Don’t be traitors and stop jumping all over your gender to support men. You are being stupid! Women and men have different requirements for orgasm. What you need to do, is write some articles that tell the male partners how to satisfy his woman, while his genital is being thrusted and stroked. A woman should not need to use a sex toy when she is with her man. Do you all tell men to use a male sex toy when he is with his woman, so that he can get satisfied. No we don’t.
The man in the relationship needs to satisfy the woman, just as she allows his genital to be thrusted inside one of her cavities. You all do not tell men to use toys!! So why do you think it is okay to lecture women to use sex toys. Why people?!! Anyway, if men used sex toys, that truly satisfies his genital, then maybe we will stop telling women to ignore their children, her home, her job Nd herself, in order to be available for24 hour a day sex.
I’m sorry, I don’t recall scolding anyone. Could you point it out to me, as you seem quite hung up on that.
And yes, women tend to need more foreplay than men, and no, toys are not the only method. I know you’re new the blog, so you have probably missed a lot of my posts telling men some ways to please their wife. Here are some links for your perusal. They’ve all been written based on comments from wives saying what they like from their husbands (except for the massage one, that was my idea):
My Wife Wants Me To Tie Her Up?!
Why do some wives like their hair pulled?
Clitoral Slapping
Why Don’t I Give My Wife More Massages?
Christians, Anal Sex and Anal Play
As well, I have a PDF: 37 Questions for spouses to ask each other about sex that tries to get spouses to talk to each other about what they like. If they want to use a sex toy for the man, go right ahead. Personally, I prefer my wife, but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with the couple using a toy for him. Actually, I’ve talked a few times about the We Vibe, which is a toy for couples as well as the LELO Tor.
And no one is suggesting a wife ignore their children, home, etc.. Rather, we are trying to encourage a holistic marriage that will give strength to deal with all these areas of life as well. These women who support their husbands are not traitors, they are following a biblical, godly model, and are being blessed by it. But don’t take my word for it, most of them will tell you themselves. Talk to a few who are living it, then make your decision.
I hope that clarifies some things.
Jean,
You sound very angry. I’m not sure where you’re coming from or what you’ve been through. Seems like it must have been painful and I’m sorry if you’re hurting. I would like to point out that you have suggested that women that support bloggers such as JayDee are being traitors to our gender and yet you call us stupid. You also belittle some women that do use toys and suggest that it’s because their husband’s aren’t trying hard enough. What do you suppose that makes her think about herself if her husband has tried all that you suggest and that’s not enough. Would she perhaps think there must be something wrong with her?
I appreciate that you are concerned about your sisters in Christ and I trust you are also praying for them.
Be blessed,
Sandi
I absolutely love the fact that DW’s body is designed as it is. I love being able to give her multiple orgasms. Sometimes it doesn’t take much to get there, sometimes it does take a while and on those times I feel a wonderful sense of accomplishment when her body finaly has the release it needs. I feel like I’ve done her a great service getting her to relax and de-stress enough to get there.
God probably made it so men need some time to recover after an orgasm or we would never get anything done. 🙂
I think that if you want to use sex toys to enhance your intimate life then do it. I definitely think all toys should be use with your spouse and not on your own though. By that I mean, not without them present. Not that you can’t control the toy.
I have one suggestion for readers. Do NOT buy a sex toy without getting your spouse’s permission. This is not the type of gift that you want as a surprise…
That depends on the dynamic of a marriage. For some, that would be a huge surprise, and not in a good way. You can spark some fears of replacement and/or emasculate a husband, or freak out/disgust a wife.
For others, they could be tied up, blindfolded and have a new toy used on them and they’d be thrilled at the surprise.
The trick is knowing which marriage you have, and the best way to figure that out is to talk about it.
My mindset is that your sexual pleasure should be something that comes from your spouse, and that doesn’t rule out one using a toy on the other. I’m not so comfortable with the idea of either spouse using a toy on themselves, even if the other spouse is there. That’s just my personal preference.
I see no issue with toys. I use them on my wife cause I can and at times it enhances the moment and makes my job easier. She doesn’t need them though. I have good hands and know how to use them during intercourse to provide her with an orgasm since she doesn’t have them vaginally. I’m ok with that. Sometimes she’s to sensitive for the vibe so I use my hands, other times the vibe works great. It’s really all in the moment. The vibe feels good for guys too. I usually situate it so my penis is vibrating inside while it’s also hitting her clitoris. Feels amazing for me when I climax let me tell ya lol. I do see how this could be a touchy subject for couples with whom the wife does have trouble orgasming, as it would cause the man to feel insecure or the wife to feel like she is not normal. I think if people just have an open mind and don’t put too much weight into much as far as what is okay and what’s not okay in the bedroom things would go a lot smoother for a lot more couples but I feel like so many people out there have this list of what they canning cannot do and that’s never what sex was intended to be by God. The Bible is pretty clear that he does not want you to have sex before you’re married even though a lot of people do, and you should not ever allow someone else into your bed.
Also keep in mind that Sex Toys can come from a wide variety of items and not simply those which are inserted into a woman.
Toys are to enhance a woman’s arousal.
Hope you feel better soon, Jay Dee!
Exactly Jerry. Personally I guess I don’t really see the purpose of having a dildo when you have a husband but vibrators and stuff like that I don’t see a problem with not that I have a problem with dildos either I just don’t see the purpose. The vibrator that me and my wife use is like an inch thick around and 4.5 inches long. It’s decently powerful too so I can use the middle to end part of it on her click while the top of the vibrator is on the top of my penis as I’m inserting in and out. It works pretty slick actually because then I feel the vibrations just as much a seat and then my penis has turned into a vibrator is well which is a win-win for everybody LOL. Like Jay said though we are absolutely not dependent on these things they’re an addition my wife could care less if I use them but if I do use him she definitely doesn’t complain.
There are sex toys as a broad category, and then there are small (egg) vibrators. In my opinion, egg vibrators are a whole different thing than insertable toys like dildos. Egg vibrators are easy to use while having intercourse and can make it much easier and faster for the wife to orgasm, and sometimes (often?) that’s necessary. In my opinion, you’ll have sex a lot more often when you can please your wife in 15 minutes rather than 45. That doesn’t mean you ALWAYS have quick sessions, of course!
As for the We-Vibe, Sexy Corte and I tried it but didn’t like it. I did read a review of a new We-Vibe that can be controlled remotely with an iPhone app though, and we’d love to try that in public sometime. Naughty!
A toy is just an aid or enhancement unless your spouse sees it differently. If that’s the case, then you need to discuss the why behind the need or want for the toy. If a vibrator was the only way my wife could receive adequate clitoral stimulation to achieve orgasm, it would be selfish of me to deny her that aid, especially if it were only because my sexual ego was wounded.
Another thought, the same applies if the husband needs and aid to achieve orgasm. As we age, it may be we will need more intense stimulation and a vibrator may be the only way to go.
Okay, so I think that some of us need a toy for whatever reason, but I do not need a toy for my wife since I quite know how to use my fingers and my hands to help her achieve what a toy does. I guess some people need them, but my wife is satisfied with me without the toy. Some need toys and some dont.
I think, foreplay needs to be done naturally without using any toys, you can use your body since foreplay involves two mind attached together to make the sexual enhancement.
I think toys can be great for what they were intended for! Achieving a quick orgasm! But they can also be quite harmful to a relationship and a couples sex life, even though you don’t even notice it, until it is to late. We had a great sexlife and decided one day to add a beautiful little viberator to it. My wife was excited about it, as was I. She had orgasms regularly before, even though I had to try a bit harder or longer sometimes to get there. I didn’t mind at all since I enjoy longer sessions much more then her. Unfortunately she likes her vibe allot now and it’s the “go to” now. While her openness about it at first was very exciting to me, and I still don’t feel threatened by it, it has made achieving orgasms (to) easy and made us both lazy in this department. Achieving orgasm has become mostly about the physical sensation and very little about our main sex organ, the brain. I believe that challenges in the bedroom are designed to grow us in other ways, like stretching us in our communication, using healthy fantasies with each other, coming up with ways to make our bedroom activity more exciting in order to achieve orgasm. All that I’m reading here is a way to create the right physical sensation with a mechanical device to cross the finish line faster and easier and to avoid having to stretch us in other ways that are healthy and good for the rest of our relationship. While we have good sex and more of it then ever, most of it is shorter, less satisfying and we rarely talk about sexual things or do anything together to learn and grow in this area. Sadly, I would have to say, if I could turn back time, I would not buy that first vibe. I would much rather explore our sexuality on an intellectual and communication level to create equal arousal for both and enjoy the pleasure along the way. Toys are designed to create fast physical arousal in a woman without much assistance from the man, and therefore bypass many valuable steps in a relationship that create a stronger emotional bond between them. I have no moral or religious objection to them at all even though I am a committed follower of Christ. I our case it just has not improved our relationship. We also have a top of the line we-vibe, (15. anniversary present from my wife) that sits in the closet. It does nothing for us!! It was a mayor $300 disappointment for both of us! To bad I can’t sell it on Craigslist. 🙂