I’m playing catch up on some previous questions. This one came in more than a month ago, and I’m afraid I’ve been a little slow to answer:
My wife and I are both Christian Faith and have a question about a fantasy we both have. We both are wondering if it is okay for use to roll play in a rape type setting.
Thanks for your input ! [sic]
So, basically the question is: is it okay for Christians to role-play rape scenarios? And I guess we could expand this to include other violent/forceful scenarios as well.
I’ve often said that just about anything goes in the marriage bed so long as it’s between spouses, with the obvious exceptions of doing harm, either physically, emotionally or spiritually. And I think this practice might fall under the spiritual harm category for me.
I get the draw for a rape-scenario, for both the man and the woman. So, let’s look at why this is appealing to some first.
Where the man is the aggressor and the woman is the victim
This is the most common rape scenario, and in fact is one of the largest fantasies for women, believe it or not. Some might have trouble believing that. After all, for men it’s easy to understand, the man gets what he supposedly wants (sex), and it comes with no strings or consequences (at least in the fantasy, in real life, you go to jail, don’t do it). But what’s in it for the women that this is a fantasy reported among women (though one they don’t actually want to experience)?
Well, women get a loss of control and to experience a man who is assertive, in control and confident, and all the data I’ve seen points to the fact that the vast majority of women are starved for that kind of attention. It’s not that they want to be raped, its that they want to experience a confident and assertive leader in the bedroom. Likewise, I don’t think men want to rape a woman, I think they want intimacy and a rape fantasy is just an expression of the hurt and frustration they feel at being refused by their spouse who is supposed to be the one person who loves and cherishes them above all else (excepting God).
Where the woman is the aggressor and the man is the victim
I thought perhaps I’d tackle this scenario as well, since they weren’t clear which it was they were asking about, and this happens as well, though much less frequently. For the women, often , though not always, these cases stem from a past abuse, and it’s less about sex, and more about regaining control, about having sex under their power and no one else’s. For men, I think it’s generally much simpler, again: To be so wanted and desired by a woman that she won’t take no for an answer. That’s speaks to one of our deepest needs: to have a woman that wants desperately to be our sexual partner, so that we feel like we’re attractive and seen as a desirable mate. See, we have our insecurities too.
Understand the underlying theme
So, I think instead of the rape fantasy, you should explore the underlying themes and then find a way to implement them into your sexual encounters. If you’re desiring a strong, aggressive, confident lover, well, then he needs to start growing in that direction rather than just putting on mask for a short time. Chances are, she doesn’t want you to just be confident and assertive in the bedroom, but in the rest of life as well, something we as men don’t learn to be anymore.
If it’s the loss of control, then maybe start playing with bondage, enjoy the feeling of a restriction of movement to heighten other sensations.
But, playing out a rape scenario, to me, that is a dangerous game, and it violates this:
Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable–if anything is excellent or praiseworthy–think about such things. Philippians 4:8
We should not glorify violence or sexual immorality, even in play. At least that’s my opinion, since you asked.
If you want more information about looking into the reasons for fantasies and how to deal with difficult ones, I suggest you check out my book review of The Fantasy Fallacy by Shannon Ethridge. It goes into a lot more detail and depth on the topic than I can address in a post.
I think finding the underlying meaning in this is key. Scripture tells us to build one another up. I can agree wanting an assertive man and him being in control. Maybe even the women “giving in” for sex. But to call it rape seems dangerous. I also think that rape is a strong word. It’s also illegal. I believe it could also get carried away and turn into something alot bigger and not desirable. When the thrill was gone with that what would you turn too next ?
The scripture you used from Philippians is exactly what came to my mind when I saw your title. Well done. It is not a good place to go in a relationship that is built on trust and peace.
I would not be ok with playing out a rape scenario with my hubby. It might be hot in the moment but it plants unhealthy seeds. I Couldn’t help but wonder why he was ok with it. “Does he really get off to the thought of raping someone?” Yikes! I just wouldn’t want to go there. Acting out immoral scenarios just shouldn’t be ok. I mean, what if your husband asked you to pretend to be a 12 year old? I would see that as a red flag.
You hit the hammer right on the nail. I think some read flags are going up for sure.
I would say NO to a “rape fantasy scenario” with my wife. THAT is just too far out. THIS appears to be a question where both spouses WANT TO DO IT. I could not go there with any female. It feels wrong spiritually and psychologically. What is the next fantasy when THIS THRILL has passed?
No one loves passionate, intimate sex/love making any more than me but this is just too much. I know anonymous psychological studies have revealed for decades that many ( not just a few) women have this type of fantasy, but it can be easily achieved in love by a dominant husband and the wife who loves being “taken” hard with true passion. THIS is very hot romantic love, not rape.
This Christian couple can find a way to meet this need a little more properly. HOWEVER, I am GLAD this question was raised because many Christian couples desire really hot sex and, due to our Christian “sex is bad” training, we struggle with a great sex life.
Here are two definitions of rape that I could find:
Noun
1. Unlawful sexual intercourse or any other sexual penetration of the vagina, anus, or mouth of another person, with or without force, by a sex organ, other body part, or foreign object, without the consent of the victim.
2. statutory rape
3. an act of plunder, violent seizure, or abuse; despoliation; violation:
In 2012, the Department of Justice announced a change to the definition of Rape for the Uniform Crime Reporting Program’s (UCR) Summary Reporting System (Summary). How does the new definition differ from the old one?
The old definition was “The carnal knowledge of a female forcibly and against her will.” Many agencies interpreted this definition as excluding a long list of sex offenses that are criminal in most jurisdictions, such as offenses involving oral or anal penetration, penetration with objects, and rapes of males.
The new Summary definition of Rape is: “Penetration, no matter how slight, of the vagina or anus with any body part or object, or oral penetration by a sex organ of another person, without the consent of the victim.”
Rape is also usually a violent thing, at least the ones that usually make the news are. I do think that there is a growing trend in non-violent rapes due to drugging or getting someone so drunk they lose their inhibitions to the point that they really have no clue as to what’s going on and they don’t have the ability to say no.
If a woman’s fantasy is for a loss of control and to experience a man who is assertive, in control and confident, I agree with Jay that maybe some light or honor bondage may be called for (Jay has really good posts on these subjects). Another solution is for the wife to let her husband know what she wants, there’s that need to communicate thing again. Maybe a night of she has to do whatever he says or wants to do in the bedroom. Worked for my wife and me, it was great to know that there are times when she just doesn’t want to be in any kind of control and just let go. This can go both ways too.
I am happy to admit that I like to be “weak” for my husband and enjoy allowing him to be strong and masculine in our intimate times. I like seeing him take the lead as it shows me he likes what we do and as I am considered a “strong woman” generally, it’s like my gift to him, he likes knowing he is the only man who can “dominate” me and I’m okay with that. This is nothing LIKE rape, I have been raped. It is not enjoyable it is a violation and is degrading, a man can be strong without having to take what is not his or offered to him. Allowing the man to be dominant is a mutual thing in which I, as the woman am CHOOSING to be submissive and that’s where the enjoyment comes. Him forcing that upon me is not love and I think it’s worrying a man wants this kind of attention. Jesus said that if a man looks at a woman with lust he has ALREADY committed adultery with her so therefore if a man looks at his wife desiring to rape, he’s already done it and it’s possible he needs deeper help than he cares to admit.