Those of you who get our weekly newsletters know that I’ve been dragging my feet while writing this for the last week. Those in our private Facebook group know it’s been even longer – and my wife knows it’s been quite a long time coming.
For some time, I’ve been getting more and more questions about pegging. Way back in 2014, for those who weren’t following us yet, I posted the results of our survey on Christians, Anal Sex and Anal Play. From that survey, we found out that 8% of husbands were engaging in pegging or similar activities in their sex life. I think that number has gone up over the last 4 years, and it’s gotten to the point that I figured I should address it. Plus, I received this question a couple of weeks ago:
You guys have helped us immensely so far through the articles and podcasts. My wife and I have been married for a little over a year now. In that time, I have had many conversations about our sex lives and we have found out that I have a higher sex drive than she does and I am more adventurous when it comes to trying new things as long as they are not sinful and we are both on the same page about it. I have recently had an interest in anal play meaning I am receiving anal pleasure . I have been interested to try “pegging” with my wife (which is the act of anal penetration of the man with a toy like a dildo or strap-on of some kind), but am afraid for many different reasons. Being a heterosexual male brings the stigma of it being a “gay thing” and although I know that I may enjoy it and become more intimate with my wife, I certainly do not want to desire a sinful act. I want to be sure of where this stands biblically if in the confines of a Christian marriage. This does not mean that there is a sort of pretending of gender role reversal, but the physical pleasure associated with the prostate and new emotional connection. I hope I’m not being too explicit, but I need your help in this area because I aspire to a fulfilling sex life AND spiritual life. Is “pegging” sinful? What would be the wisest way to express my desire to my wife?
So, there a few questions in there, but the biggest one is “is pegging sinful”. So, let’s tackle that and then move on to the rest.
Is pegging sinful?
Now, I’m not terribly interested in re-hashing the “Is anal sex sinful” argument. We’ve already done that in the post Is anal sex a sin. If you want to argue with me, you can do so there, but for the purpose of this post, let me restate my prior assertion that I don’t believe it is wrong to engage in anal sex in your married sex life, provided it’s with your spouse.
However “regular” anal sex is generally thought of as the husband penetrating the wife. While some have issues with that (as seen in the comments of the post linked above), many are generally accepting of it. In fact, 27% (back in 2014) of respondents in our survey said they’d tried anal sex.
When the tables are turned, that brings in some new questions. Now the man is being penetrated, and that shifts things a bit. Aside from the generic “is anal sex a sin” question, now we have to contend also with gender roles, and questions about homosexual practices, which our questioner mentioned. So, let’s take a look at those.
What you do doesn’t define your orientation
We have believed a fallacy in our culture that sexual activities decide your orientation. Some think that if a man wants to have anal sex with his wife, then he must be homosexual, or at least bisexual. Same goes for if he wants to receive any sort of anal stimulation himself.
However, it’s not what you do in your sex life that defines your orientation. It’s who you do it with. One simply cannot call any activity between a husband and wife a homosexual act, because it is, by definition, a heterosexual act between a male and a female.
And that seems like a fairly simple concept; yet, in our society, we still have these odd beliefs that doing something, even in your marriage bed, means you are homosexual.
Here is a comment from our survey back in 2014:
It is also my goal to have my wife perform a prostate massage on me. I know that she still has a mental block about touching me there with her finger. I believe that she still views it as “weird” that I would enjoy that activity and that it make me “gay.” I hope that other women that read this would stop to thank that just because their man can enjoy stimulation in that area does not mean that they have any homosexual tendencies. I would like my spouse to know that it can be fun and awakening to share 100% of each other. I would hate to know that something that we can enjoy together was lost by years of stubborn thoughts that have been sculpted by ignorant thought processes.
And another:
She still uses a vibrator on me sometimes. I’m sorry, I know this is weird for a guy to read. Your website allows me to talk openly. I’m not gay btw. No way no thanks. My wife is all I need!
It’s so ingrained in our thoughts that he felt he had to basically call “no homo” after sharing what his wife and he do in their sex life.
And others just can’t get over the idea:
The reason I didn’t answer the question about doing things anally toy husband is because he absolutely hates the idea of being touched in that area. It’s gay for a man to want that to that.
So, does engaging in pegging, or any other sort of receptive anal play for a man mean he has homosexual tendencies? I think that’s an easy no.
Does pegging cross gender roles
This one I think is a bit stickier. It’s not talked about too often, but the Bible is pretty firm on the idea that God made men and women separate and distinct genders. This idea is under attack in our society with the concepts of transgender, pan-gender and gender fluidity.
In the Bible, God is always presented as a male husband and the church always as a female bride. While it may not be politically correct in our society to say it anymore, but the Bible sets men as leaders and women as supporters as a living example of God leading His church.
Unfortunately, this has been abused in the past with the church setting men up to be dictators in the home rather than the relationship that’s seen between God and His people in the Bible. I personally see a God who is willing to discuss, compromise (while still holding to His integrity), reason with, love and sacrifice for His bride. That doesn’t mean He’s a pushover though. God is very clear on His goals and directions and will not compromise on Love, even when we think He’s being unloving.
This concept is under attack in our churches with the egalitarian movement, and outside of our churches with the gender-fluid movement. To me, they’re two sides of the same coin. One attacking from within and one from without. They’re both seeking to undermine the relationship between God and humans – confusing us about who is in charge. I think we often tend to take this verse:
Whatever you ask of the Father in my name He will give it to you.
Matthew 18:23b
and we change it into:
Whatever you ask of the Father he will give it to you.
We put God into a submissive role rather than accepting we need to submit first.
That was a bit of a tangent, by my point is, gender roles are important because they teach us about God, if nothing else. But what does this have to do with pegging?
There is a concern that some might be interested in pegging because they want to have the gender roles reversed. That wanting to receive pleasure in this way, being penetrated means they are abandoning their role as males and wanting to take on a female role. That’s probably true for some. However, I think that’s a pretty small percentage of men. At least, it’s a small percentage that is using this behaviour to abdicate their role.
I think the majority of men are abdicating in other ways, which is a serious concern, but not through the act of pegging.
Point is, if you are a man approaching pegging with the idea of “I want to feel like a woman”, then I think that’s a warning sign. Likewise, if you’re a wife who wants to try pegging because you want to knock him down a peg (no pun intended), put him in his place, or show him who is the boss, or “be the man” in some way, then that’s a similar cause for concern in my books.
And we’re not talking about a curiosity of what it might be like to be the other gender. I think most of us wonder about that at one time or another. I know I do – my wife’s orgasms look like they feel so much better than mine! That’s quite intriguing. Rather, we’re talking about wanting to take on that gender as a lifestyle choice. That’s where we get into trouble in my books.
Why do some men want to try pegging?
So, if men who want to try pegging in their married sex life aren’t doing it due to homosexual tendencies, nor because they’re gender-fluid or gender-confused, then why would they want to try this? Well, I think there could be a few reasons.
Pleasure
I’m not exactly sure what God was thinking, but He placed a ton of nerve endings in the region of our anus. There are many between the scrotum and the anus, more around the edge of it, and the prostate can be stimulated to engage even more pleasurable sensations, and even orgasm. And I’m not saying that “if it feels good, God must have meant for us to do it”. It’s not just men, women have a similar distribution of nerve endings and sensitivities. No prostate of course, but the clitoris nerves wrap internally around the anus, which again, seems like an odd design choice. But that’s neither here nor there today because we’re talking about men.
In short, there are a lot of nerves in that area that can feel pleasure. In fact, even if you’ve lost your penis entirely, or just the use of it, some people can still have an orgasm through prostate stimulation. This makes it a potential method of sexual pleasure for those who have been in accidents, suffered some form of paralysis, or just have ED they can’t seem to correct.
Even without those ailments though, some men say that the orgasms they get from prostate stimulation are far more intense than through penile stimulation. So, it’s no surprise that some might be interested in that sort of pleasure.
Being on the receiving end
This one can get a bit confusing for some. I think there is a difference between wanting to swap gender roles and wanting to be the one receiving pleasure. The one has to do with identity, and the other has to do with physical and emotional sensations.
I think most men (I know high-drive wives, not all men) find the idea of their wife taking a more active role in sex to be appealing.
For some men, the idea of their wife taking such an active role in sex to the point that they are doing the penetrating is extremely arousing. Think about it. You don’t have to worry about:
- keeping an erection up
- if your wife is going to orgasm from sex
- your performance
- your endurance
You get to be the one who just receives pleasure. I can understand how that could be attractive.
I know, some men can get this from their wife being on top and “doing the work” during regular intercourse, but not all men can orgasm from that. Not all men can keep an erection up like that either. For that matter, not all women can manage it for long, if at all, either. Besides, it’s not quite the same.
Variety / adventure
Lastly, we tend to crave variety in sex. Couples that just tend to have missionary position sex with the same foreplay on the same nights of the week at the same time, year in and year out, tend to get bored. Passion dies, and it tends to become something that just releases sexual frustration rather than being a bonding experience.
I used to get so many couples asking about how to spice up their sex life. Both spouses would be willing to try something new, but just didn’t know what. They didn’t know how to get out of their ruts of doing the same thing over and over again. So, I made up the Spice Jar to solve the problem for them. And now I don’t get many of those questions any more. It’s awesome, because now I can respond to new questions, like about pegging…
Point is, we crave variety in our lives, including our sex lives, and some people simply like pegging because it’s different, exciting and/or taboo. That gets our dopamine levels rising, which leads to increased arousal and stronger orgasms. Who doesn’t want that?
What’s in it for the wife?
I know someone is going to ask “yeah, but what about the wife?” With regular intercourse, both spouses (ideally) are getting pleasure. Even with “regular” anal sex, 85% of the wives who engage in anal sex say they enjoy it and 38% of orgasm from it. That’s pretty impressive given that statistically only about 30% of women orgasm from penis-in-vagina sex.
But with pegging, she’s not using any of her anatomy that gives her pleasure. There’s no live penis involved. So, what’s the deal?
Well, we have no personal experience with this, so I delved into my survey comments. Now, I don’t have a way to single out pegging, but I can find comments from wives who use toys on their husband’s anally. Here’s what I found:
- I feel like it makes my husband happy so I use a toy to penetrate.
- My husband brought it up, and I was curious to try it.
- To explore all avenues of potential pleasure.
- We wanted to try new things
- I don’t totally enjoy doing it to him but I love the results of how much he enjoys it and it definitely benefits me with how much of an erection he gets.
- Saw that my husband enjoyed that and he asked for it to happen. His orgasm is pretty intense during anal play.
- Just by trying new things
- Bored with vaginal
In short, many do it either because their husband asks and they’re willing to bless them in that way, or because they actually enjoy seeing their husband receive pleasure. I think that’s awesome. As I suspected, some just wanted to try something new, though I honestly don’t think I could get “bored with vaginal”.
Of course, there are other options as well. For example: If you’re using a strapon, there’s no reason you couldn’t use a We-Vibe Sync on the wife at the same time which would give her both g-spot and clitoral stimulation.
Are there any dangers?
I figured we should touch on this. Are there dangers to pegging? There are often listed reasons why anal sex is a bad idea. Some are more or less valid than others. I went through this in my post on anal sex, but we’ll touch on them here just so no one says I didn’t. I’m not a doctor, so do your own research, use your own brain, etc, etc.. But here are my thoughts:
Some say the vagina was made to stretch but the anus wasn’t. Everyone knows that’s not really true right? I mean, you can tell that just from going to the bathroom. In a sexual situation this is even easily told. When going to the bathroom, frankly we tend to be in a hurry. With sex, the key word is patience. The second key word is lube. You’ll find it stretches quite a bit and snaps back easily. Take your time, use lots of lube, and if it hurts, stop.
Do some porn stars get stretched out and damaged? Yes. Don’t have anal sex for 12 hours a day with guys hung like porn stars and you’ll probably be okay.
While we don’t like to think about it, homosexual men have been engaging in activity similar to this for a long time. If the warnings were true, well, the price of adult diapers in certain cities would skyrocket and there’d be a run on proctologists. It doesn’t happen. There’s just a lot of anti-gay propaganda that this is getting spillover from.
There is the issue of cleanliness and bacteria. Fact is, if you’re doing anal play, feces happen (you know what I wanted to write, right? But we have some sensitive people and I didn’t want to go into a whole paragraph explaining that my dad grew up on a farm and “that” was a chore you did before breakfast, not a swear word).
Generally when you’re engaging in anal play of any kind, you are sticking to the rectum, and feces generally don’t hang out there. They stay higher up in your digestive tract. So long as you don’t feel like you have to go to the bathroom, and you haven’t gone very recently, you’re probably fairly clean. However, a shower would do, too.
And of course, one always has to be careful to avoid getting bacteria from the anus into a vagina. This is less of a concern with pegging, but still something to be aware of.
What else? …
Don’t use numbing lube. Same goes for alcohol or drugs. Stop if it hurts. Take it slow. Especially because toys tend to be harder and more rigid than penises. Oh, and don’t buy a toy with phthalates (more info here), and be sensible about the size.
Basically, it’s the same rules you use for “regular” sex. If you’re too rough, don’t have sufficient lubricant and don’t pay attention to your body or your spouse’s, someone is going to get hurt.
How do you express a desire to try this with your wife?
Let’s say you’re interested in pegging. Hypothetically of course 😉 How do you share this with your wife? Or if you’re a wife, with your husband?
Well, we just did a post on sharing sexual fantasies that you can check out. Now, that had more to do with the person listening than it did the person sharing. But, you could share that post with your spouse and then share the fantasy once they’ve been primed on how to respond appropriately.
Another alternative along the same lines is to check Our Sexploration List. It’s a workbook of sexual activities spouses can do with/to each other. Buried in this massive list is pegging. If you want to see how they’d respond without asking, then get the list and have you both fill it out. They’ll either indicate that they’re interested, willing, or not and you can decide how to go on from there. In fact, I’ll give you 25% off it just for being brave. Just use the coupon code PEGGING. And don’t you dare use that coupon code if you aren’t interested in pegging! 😉
Is pegging within marriage sinful?
I don’t think so. If both spouses are up for it and you take the necessary precautions, and with the few caveats mentioned above, this seems to be something both can enjoy as a way to enhance their marriage bed. Of course, if you’re not interested or feel morally opposed to it, then just opt out.
I’m hoping we can have a civil discussion about this below, but based on past experience, I’m worried it won’t be so. I’d love to be proven wrong though 🙂
Stepping our to write something like this is brave. It’s nice to have a Christian place to read about these things. Keep up the good work.
So how do I address this if it’s something I really want to experience but my spouse believes it to be morally wrong and tends to shame me if it’s brought up.
In short: You probably don’t. There are likely bigger fish to try than trying to expand into pegging.
I had the same problem and when we finally tired it she had doubts about my sexuality, which hurt. My wife of 13 years thinking I’m gay and kinda shaming me about the whole situation. So I did a ton of research and talked to her about it like an adult. No I’m not gay. No I don’t want to be a woman. I love my wife and want to experience more with her. PS the orgasm is intense and eye opening, it really gives you a woman’s perspective on sex and how much you need to trust that person that is opening your body up.
I have been struggling to except that my man wants this from me. When he brought it up I automatically thought I was not good enough for him. And that he wanted me to act as a man. And it scared the shit out of me. All Because of my traditional thoughts about sex and the man and woman becoming one. We both know a woman does not have the proper equipment to please a man there. I thought.. this is not normal. So I pretty much broke his heart when he explored the idea of me wearing a strap on. It made me think he wanted to be with a man. And that was not the case at all. He literally loves me and opened up to me. As I do more research, I’m finding woman who are very comfortable with themselves find pleasure in actually seeing there man be so vulnerable as we are to having sexual pleasure. This was something very hard for me to except and now I know it was because of my traditional perception on being intimate. I’m realizing I have to have an open mind. And that my man loves me he doesn’t want anyone else, but me.
Perception is Love
Hi Tara,
For years, I went through an internal struggle as to whether I as a man should receive pegging. As a believer, it is always important to seek the Father in heaven on any matter, especially this one. Here is something that will help you.
First, is there any instruction within the Creator’s Law that forbids a man from being penetrated by His wife? Many cite Leviticus 18 and 20 about man laying with another man, as with a woman, but the ones using this reference may not realize the wording and what the logical conclusion is. It says “as with a woman”. This can mean a man’s wife can penetrate him through his anus, but it is forbidden for another man to do this to him. The answer to the question is no, there is no instruction that forbids a man from being penetrated through his anus by his wife.
Second, what would be the intent of you performing this on your husband? I know many people think this is a deviant act, but like words, acts are not inherently deviant. The intent of the heart can be deviant. If your intent is to bring pleasure to your husband in a patient, caring and loving manner, you are blessing him. If you were to treat him as dirty and use the act as a form of degradation and punishment, then it would be a deviant act. I know the homosexuals will claim they are being loving, but they cannot evade the fact they are violating a clearly written instruction that forbids the act for a man with another man.
Like you, the stereotypes and my personal perception were stumbling blocks that prevented me from embracing it. It was after I prayerfully searched the scriptures to discover that there is no prohibition against it and the marriage bed is undefiled. My wife is a very caring and loving woman who desires to bring me pleasure, especially since she is at the beginning stages of menopause. She is very careful and communicative about how the experience is affecting my body because she doesn’t want to hurt me. Also know that while I enjoy the stimulation, I have no desire for being with another man.
In closing, know your husband has extended an immense amount of trust in you. A man is in one of the most vulnerable positions (no pun intended) when being pegged, and he is trusting you to protect him while pleasuring him. You’ve been given that gift as well as being able to give him the pleasure he desires from you alone. So my advice is for you to be caring, communicative and patient. Take it slow until he is able to receive more and use this as an opportunity to bond with your husband. If you are in the missionary position, you have a chance to passionately kiss your husband at the same time while he can understand and appreciate your perspective when receiving penetration. Hopefully this sets your heart free.
This is the degenarte world that pronography has created. You’re a sodomite, you failed as the head of your household, you failed as a father, you failed as a man. You’re a bitch
If you want to know what the average Jew thought about anal sex or others “tabu acts” you can research it. believe me, when they were conquered by the Roman empire, they were exposed to many sexual acts that were normal in Greece and Rome.
Always amazed at self-righteous “Christians” who are will claim you’re violating the Bible, when it’s really only their personal opinion, and yet, they insult their supposed brothers and sisters-in-Christ in violation of many verses about controlling your tongue, being kind, loving, compassionate, rebuking in love, etc.. I can pull verses if need be, but I don’t think I need to in this case as those are pretty basic teachings that everyone agrees to.
Excellent article, thanks for posting this!
This is disgusting. Pegging is sodomy. Having sex with the anus is sodomy. It is a sin and a violent act.
Where do you get the idea that sodomy is a sinful act?
Or that it’s violent?
I don’t know about sodomy being violent necessarily, but the Hebrew words all point to men being penetrated as an abomination and the woman, neqevah, is the one created for being “pierced,” aka penetrated.
Which Hebrew words are you referencing? For example, a female prostitute (kjv: harlot, whore) and a male prostitute (sodomite, unclean), have exactly the same root – the only difference is a prefix to mark one as female.
Actually many gay men do end up in adult diapers, just no one talks about it. Not my thing but it was a good read. I think it’s important to know about these topics ace see other views because it’s something people may wish to discuss and it’s good to have a balanced view.
Do you have a source for that? I mean many hetero men do too due to prostate cancer. Is it higher than that?
Here you go. https://www.reuters.com/article/us-health-analsex-incontinence/anal-sex-linked-to-increased-risk-of-incontinence-idUSKCN0VD2RH
Thanks Anne,
So, consider this a warning to read beyond the headline. Because what’s actually in the article doesn’t always match the title. This happens with studies as well where their conclusions don’t always match their data. Right in the article, you see this data point:
This a 2.6% difference, not exactly conclusive. This probably is what led them to write this:
“The results don’t prove anal sex causes incontinence, the authors note. They also lacked data on the frequency of anal sex, which might influence the results.
Even so, the findings suggest that doctors may want to discuss the possibility of a connection with patients, the authors conclude.”
At no point in the article do they even suggest that “…many gay men do end up in adult diapers”. This is the act of forming an opinion without definite proof, or in a word – conjecture.
There are abused children who have sphincter problems too. I knew one. I knew a woman who pooped every time they had vaginal sex because of too much anal. She couldn’t hold it any more. So it’s not just a problem for men, anal causes problems for any human.
With children – yes, that makes sense. But I can say I’ve talked to a great many couples who engage in anal sex regularly – and no one has ever mentioned any sort of issues like that. I doubt either the validity or the cause.
https://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/7795648
Study shows many gay men do not participate in anal sex
https://www.google.de/amp/s/tonic.vice.com/amp/en_us/article/xdw4q4/does-anal-sex-do-longterm-damage
post regarding damage caused by long term anal sex practices
Causation hasn’t been proved beyond doubt but common sense would tell us that as the anus wasn’t designed for sex there will be some damage if it’s used often for an unintended purpose. Sure, the anus is designed to stretch but fecal matter is softer and considerably smaller than the average penis!
Nope nope nope, big nope. Not an option, not God’s design, not our bodies’ purpose. Just NO! Hubby agrees, too. Great, big, huge NO!
I agree. Not God’s design. Anus is for one way traffic only, and it isn’t that way.
I agree as well libl. The anus was never designed for penetration during sex. Medical reasons only. I don’t believe it can be justified at all, it’s disgusting to even entertain the idea.
I’ve love to hear your medical explanation for why the clitoris wraps around the anus/rectum in women. Why the prostate is most accessible through the anus in men. Why did God put so many pleasure-sensitive nerves around the anus and inside the rectum? Why does the second sphincter relax as you become more aroused? Why do many women say that they experience the strongest orgasms from anal sex? Those are a few questions I’d be curious to know your answers for, given your stance.
What medical reasons? I’m a nurse practitioner and can’t see any medical reason. Being clean, empty your rectum before anal sex and washing penis upon completion as well as use a lot of lubricant. It also depends on frequency. We’ve been married more than 50 years and have had anal sex about 10 times, special occasions, and I enjoyed it.
Your opinion is wrong according to the bible. “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him.” John 3:16-17
Even those that identify as trans or gender fluid, God loves all his creations. I believe this article gets that wrong. As humans and as fallible humans, we inherently express the capacity to change fluidly on even a daily level regarding our personalities. A lot of us look at sexuality and sexual identity as sinful behavior. God sacrificed his son, Jesus Christ, to absolve us of our sins. We are responsible for reflecting God’s love. “Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.” Matthew 7:1-2
As a man, I’m on my knees in the bedroom and at church. Those that are the quickest to dismiss are those that often have the most to hide and generally not the sharpest tools in the shed the more closed minded they are.
You’ve misunderstood the article then. This is not an attack against people who engage in this behaviour, but against the behaviour itself. The Bible calls us not to judge people, but to judge actions.
And I agree, we are responsible for reflecting God’s love, and God lovingly says that this is not permissible behaviour because He wants the best for His people. We must hold to the same standard if we are to love in the way God loves us – we love everyone, no matter what – and we love them enough to correct them when they’re wrong. That is what the Bible teaches.
Enjoyed this post, along with all your others. You address these topics with such grace. Thank you and keep it up!
My husband and I don’t currently do any pegging but if he wanted to, I wouldn’t hesitate.
I do my best. Thanks for the encouragement!
Is there a difference between pegging and say just anal stimulation with aneros or other prostate massager? It seems to me there is a big difference between using somthing such as this for additional plesure and the woman taking on the roll of a man by using a strap on.
I don’t see much of a difference myself.
Also be careful not two include Bdsm acts like domination/humiliation
Agreed, great point Cameron.
Humiliation I agree, what’s the issue with domination play?
Not to emasculate the husband. To show love and respect.
Why do you say this?
My wife started pegging me a few years back and its the best thing we introduced into our married life.It brings you closer without a doubt
That’s awesome, Mark. May God bless you and your wife.
Awesome, Mark! My wife has also pegged me and it is the strongest orgasm I have ever felt and I don’t feel sinful or guilty since it is my wife I am doing it with. Thank you for sharing!
I got to share with my wife a few weeks back on this idea. Two nights ago we got closer to making it a reality. Any tips on where to begin?
Ruby Ryder on Reddit is a good resource (not commenting on her beliefs, etc.). She does regular seminars on the r/StraightPegging sub for how-tos/safety.
My church says anal sex is counterfeit sex and should not occur between a husband and a wife. Is this biblical? I couldn’t find anything in the bible, unless I missed it. What I did find in the bible is the mention that our body is the temple of the Holy Spirit. Pegging may cause personal injury to the rectum, if we are. Of careful. Would we then be grieving the Holy Spirit if we engage in pegging?
I want my wife to do this to me, but not sure if what I mentioned makes it sinful. Not sure if my wife would want to try it. I feel it would bring us closer by us making love in more than one way. Sorry, maybe I’m just a hopeless romantic at heart. God bless everyone and I would love for you to provide your thoughts.
The marriage bed is undefiled. God gave us intimacy as a way to be close to one another, and being emotionally and physically vulnerable to one another is how that happens.
Being able to share desires and vulnerability is certainly a part of that. I’m hoping that my wife will allow this to happen soon and assuming it’s fun (and why wouldn’t it be?), that it happens occasionally.
While there haven’t been new comments added to this thread in 2 months, I felt like I should post my $0.02 for those who find this site in the future. I thoroughly enjoyed reading what seemed to be a well thought out piece in regards to the overarching/moral/dynamic aspects of pegging within a marriage. Specifically a marriage of the Biblical sense. It’s not often people take the time to process these 2 things together.
I would agree with the 2 conclusions that anal sex isn’t a sin, and what you do sexually doesn’t define your orientation whatsoever. I’ve never thought, dreamt, or had any inclination for sex other than with a female presenting female. I’m a married man, by the way.
My primary takeaway from the discussions of sex within an intimate relationship is that we aren’t stepping back far enough when thinking about sex to get at the basis of why some aspects of sex are “good” or are “bad” in terms of religious matters. We get caught up on the nitty gritty, the technical details, which, while having elements of truth to them, do not encompass the entire truth. We, as humans, are very bad about dissecting the seemingly infinite ways people have sex with each other and for what reasons.
When thought about deeply, most sex acts seem to be concluded to be “morally objectionable” by arriving only at the most basic of reasoning as to why that conclusion happened in Biblical text. The basis of being anti-masturbation, or anti-contraception is ultimately rooted in God slaying Onan for spilling his seed when he was suppose to impregnate his brother’s wife. Anal sex seems to be frowned upon on the root basis that Sodom was destroyed, and look at what sexual practice was tolerated within *that* culture (they still call it sodomy for a reason). These are too simple of conclusions to arrive at, without taking into account context of time, culture and overarching themes of God’s word which are INDEED consistent throughout the Bible (I love it when people try claiming the Bible is “fake” because of minor inconsistencies that fail to actually listen to what God is trying to say).
What I would like to postulate is the following thought: sex is something that is to be shared between two partners who compliment each other in such a way that they can continue to spread the word of God to all those they encounter. When you think about it that way, it’s actually that simple!! You can throw a myriad of sexual situations within a myriad of contexts and this is the one, undeniable truth that you can always come out with! People are meant to go forth and spread the word of God to EVERYONE. Sometimes that gets confused with reciting nuance that isn’t truly or deeply understood by the one who’s preaching themselves. But let’s go ahead and apply this situation to the topic we’re discussing at hand, which is pegging.
A woman penetrating a man isn’t sinful on the basis that it be simply a different expression of love between a woman and man. If this expression brings the couple closer together, with the ultimate big-picture-end-result being that they end up passing on the word of God to others(which, if you have’t figured it out yet, is LOVE), it’s a great thing! The problem one would have with pegging is if it’s done with the intents of degradation, humiliation or exploitation of one of the partners. Or even worse, using this sex act as a means of attempting to get out of your DUTY to spread God’s word, most notably by raising children if you’re able to. Not simply having children, but *raising* them. *Those* are the red lines for me.
Hopefully this brought a new, in-depth perspective for those to consider. It’s amazing how quickly things have changed in today’s world, and here were are in 2018 where pegging is being thought of mainstream enough to where most aspects of life are now talking about the implications of it, let alone so many others that are participating in it!
Yes it is SIN.. and I went to a bible study school where we spoke about this. It can introduce spirts that are not Godly. this should be a no go for any and all Christian belevers.
I’d be interested to see the verses they referenced.
Romans 1:28 And even as they did not like to retain God in their knowledge, God gave them over to a reprobate mind, to do those things which are not convenient;
Greetings,
When I am reading through Roman’s this is one of the verses that catches me. I know people often only associate it with homosexuality because of the previous verses context, but I believe it to be much deeper. What does it mean to retain God in our knowledge..I have come to understand this as God as the husband the Church as the wife which we all know, but even further is that God is the one who acts upon, fills and satisfies. The church is the one who is taken, receives, and is filled by the love of God. Even the fact that most woman can have multiple orgasms is an expression of His unfailing mercy, tenderness and limitless love. The fulfillment each come to in natural love is to me the knowledge of God. Anal sex is unnatural, so is pegging. There is no natural lubricant, infections are common place due to the dirty environment, this is not convenient. Pegging in turn puts God on the receiving end of our love being filled and moved by us. I don’t think that is a good reflection of Him.
I believe dabbling in these activities invites the devil into the bedroom, creating an inordinate affection for earthly pleasure, in which the creature is now worshiped more than the creator. Where does it end? Is Gods love being reflected properly in these actions?
If the heart above all is deceitful, is the marriage bed now being defiled through idolatry?
These are just thoughts I had whilst reading through your article. I am thankful for the convictions God has settled in my heart on these topics, as well as my husbands. I know each person, each couple needs to come to their own convictions I just hope it is through the light of Gods word, not feelings. I actually clicked on this with no clue what pegging was, opened my eyes that even strait men and woman are wanting this.
I found your website a few days ago, and I really appreciate you tackling such topics. It saddens me greatly the more I hear about couples who’s marriages are being destroyed from porn, addiction and a lack of positive role models and feeling like they can’t talk about it and they are the only one. For the most part I really appreciate your insight and advice to people’s issues, your always looking for evidence based facts and statistics and I can respect that. Thank you for all your efforts. Regards.
It’s an interesting theory, except you seem to be skewing reality to suit your beliefs.
1) Anal sex is unnatural – you can’t make that argument very well. Why would God put so many pleasure receptors around the anus? Why so many pressure sensitive pleasure nerves inside? Why put a prostate internally that can be best hit through anal stimulation?
2) You say there is no natural lubrication, but that’s not true. In at least 10% of the population, the anus self lubricates using the same mechanisms as the vagina. So, does that mean for 10% or more of the population it’s natural?
3) Infections are commonplace – do you have statistics for this? After 8+ years of blogging here, I’ve had many couples say they engage in anal sex frequently, some even more than vaginal sex, but none have complained about infections slowing them down.
You’re welcome to your beliefs, but your justifications should point to the real reason – you feel it’s wrong. That’s it, nothing else. And maybe for you it is wrong. Maybe for you, engaging in these activities leads you to focus on the act more than the person. So, for you, it’s not something you should engage in at this time. But let’s not extrapolate to mean that God’s conviction for you, in your circumstance, is the same as His conviction for everyone else.
Glad you’re enjoying the rest of the site though!
Your website is deceptive and full of lies. You support sodomy which is unatural and is an abomination act. It fills the man’s head to potentially become a sodomite. He plays in a filthy area. It hurts each time. It is depravity. It also applies to women as well. It can damage the anus. You are lying and deceiving people who are unaware of the biblical commandments against this unatural act of lust and depravity. It is a form of violence and often tied to sexual assaults and pedophilia. Anyone who is not reading the scriptures and going by a third party site do not be deceived!! If you read the Bible you will know God condems this as an abomination. It is disgusting.
Could you point me to one of these passages? I noticed you left out any references. Also “it hurts each time” – I’d say if you’re having anal sex and it hurts, you’re doing it wrong. Try more lube, get more relaxed and aroused first, then start with fingers, and don’t go straight to anal sex first. Give that a try.
Biblically speaking, sodomy is having sex (or attempting sex) with angels, not anal sex. Just don’t have sex with angels and you’ll be fine.
This is not true. The word sodomy doesn’t exist in the Bible in any translation I have ever seen. Thus, there is no biblical definition.
Sodomy is a *relatively* recent word coinage that’s meant to denote what is understood to have been the primary sin of the people of Sodom. The word Sodomite literally means an inhabitant of Sodom. Just like the word Lesbian literally means an inhabitant of the Greek island of Lesbos. In both of those cases people who practiced what those places were primarily known for were figuratively named as inhabitants of those places. Unfortunately, people misunderstood the story of Sodom and thought that Sodom was primarily destroyed for homosexuality (many went as far to say it was for practicing non-procreative sex of any kind).
My point is that in the book of Jude, it’s revealed that the sin that was the last straw (there were certainly plenty of other sins on their rapsheet as other places in the Bible tell us) for Sodom was humans trying to have sex with angels. The author of Jude explicitly connects that incident with the incident of angels having sex with human women in Genesis 6.
That’s the point. If someone wants to use the term sodomy then a biblically accurate definition would be “having sex with angels” not “having non-procreative sex”. I didn’t say that the English term Sodomy appeared in the Hebrew/Greek Bible. But there are plenty of references to Sodom and to what it was destroyed for.
I find it rather disappointing that I had to tediously explain this to you just because you took what I wrote in an overly literal fashion.
This is based on a false belief that the city was destroyed because they tried to have sex with the angels. That’s not the case. Sodom had a long history of sinful behaviour throughout Genesis. God even warns Abraham that He’s going to destroy the city a chapter prior to the angels arriving. The angels came to the city to see if they could find 10 righteous people – as per Abraham’s pleading in Genesis 18:32. They could not. They found Lot, his wife and daughters and no more, so the city was going to be destroyed.
Sodom’s sin that got it destroyed was not trying to have sex with angels. It was a constant lifestyle of sin. Genesis 13:13 says “Now the people of Sodom were wicked and were sinning greatly against the Lord.” That’s why they were destroyed.
In short, you have your timeline wrong.
There’s little-to-no natural lubricant in the wife’s vagina after around age 51.
Does this mean vaginal sex with her is unnatural, at this time? Is vaginal intercourse natural only while the wife can bear children?
Sin is transgression of the Law according to 1 John 3:4. So can you cite the reference in the Law from Genesis to Deuteronomy where it states a woman is forbidden from penetrating her husband? I’ll save you the time. It doesn’t say this. It does forbid a man from laying with another man, as with a woman.
That is your opinion. My opinion is that all is ok between a husband and wife except another person, pornography or an animal. That’s my opinion, but let’s just agree to disagree. You do your thing and I’ll do mine.
Wow. I’ve been looking for the answer to this for awhile. You did a great job talking about all aspects. I found out that I have severe prostatitis and I asked the Dr. if prostate massage would help me. He said it would….. so I’ve been doing it to myself. My wife and I don’t have sex anymore. Does that make it sinful for me?
Honestly, the “my wife and I don’t have sex anymore” far eclipses the other question. What are you doing to resolve that?
Hi Jay. Didn’t mean to skip your comment. I cheated on my wife off and on for years. We are together but sleep in different bedrooms. She says she has forgiven me but she always brings it up. That’s why we don’t have sex anymore and I’m thinking I owe it to her to take however much time she needs. Anyway. Poetic justice today. The Dr told me that I have prostate cancer. Aggressive. Guess I’m reaping what I sowed
I’m sorry to hear that Terry. I would encourage you to share with your wife how you feel. That you don’t feel forgiven, because being forgiven means it’s no longer counted against you.
Hi Jaydee. I have told her how I feel. But it still comes up.
This is without a doubt the most open and informative site I have come across. And Biblical to boot. THANK YOU VERY MUCH for these articles and this site.
Have you asked her why it keeps coming up if she’s forgiven you?
Alternatively, there’s the option to try and not let it bother you. You can choose to believe her when she says she forgives you. If she brings it up, you should flat out say “I’m not accepting that as an argument/reason/comment/attack because I’ve chosen to believe you’ve forgiven me.”
Visit mynewday.tv. The wife cheated on her husband and had a son from the adulterous affair, but the husband forgave her and even named the boy after himself to tell him that even though he is not his biological son, he is loved and part of his family.
I just read your article on pegging. I have been asking myself that for awhile. The way I see it. God made everything, so I’m pretty sure he knew that when he made the prostate, he already knew that prostate massage would feel awesome for a man. Two people becoming one is what marriage is about. So how on earth can a man be more vulnerable to a woman than for him to be penetrated. The feeling for me is TOTAL BLISS. Wouldn’t that pretty much be everybody in the whole world ‘s most private spot , and then share that with another person. That’s really knowing someone. I loved you answers.
I agree with jay i would like to see the scripture or vs that states this
Hey Jim I was wasn’t siting any scripture. I was just thinking, do you think that man discovered that prostate stimulation felt good and that God didn’t know that already? Or that God said “ I never thought of that”. I don’t think so. God knows everything!
This
“It’s not talked about too often, but the Bible is pretty stuck on the idea that God made men and women to be separate, distinct genders.”
Also
“This concept is under attack in our churches with the egalitarian movement, and outside of our churches with the gender-fluid movement.”
Then how isn’t pegging litteraly crossing gender boundaries/roles. The woman is penetrating the husband with an strapon that simulates a penis!! You’re contradicting yourself here.
How is this different than crossdressing, or crossdressing is only wrong when you want to do it the whole day?
I can see how that could seem contradictory.
I think there’s a difference in the “why”. If you’re pegging to reverse roles, then that’s an issue. If you’re pegging to give a physical sensation, that’s quite a bit different. Make sense?
If a man wants to feel like a woman, or a woman wanting to feel like a man, that’s an issue. If pegging is genuine lovemaking between a husband and wife, how is it wrong? Again, not being rough while penetrating him, and with plenty of lube, it can be enjoyable and safe. Thoughts? Thanks and God bless.
So I am a married woman and I am among those who think it would be awesome and super arousing pleasure my husband through pegging or any other anal play. I’ve mentioned it before but I think he has a mental block about the homosexual stigma about it. I’m definitely the more adventurous between us. But if anyone has any thoughts I’d love to hear!
1 Corinthians – 7: Now for the matters you wrote about: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.”(A) 2 But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband. 3 The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife,(B) and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. 5 Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time,(C) so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan(D) will not tempt you(E) because of your lack of self-control. 6 I say this as a concession, not as a command.(F) 7 I wish that all of you were as I am.(G) But each of you has your own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that.(H)
I truly enjoy making my husband feel good, comfortable, and loved. Vulnerability is difficult for many people but I would argue especially for men. In the bedroom we have the opportunity to take our guard down and allow ourselves to be vunerable with the one we trust most, our spouse. Anal pleasure for myself and for my husband has been a part of our sex life for years and has increased our physical and emotional intimacy significantly! If it’s not for you, that’s understandable. But I would suggest having an honest conversation with your spouse about your wants and desires with them. God’s great gift of sex is intended to bring a husband and wife closer together, so let it ?
I think in the book of Timothy it talks about the marriage bed being undefiled,my understanding is it ok whatever in bed as long as husband and wife are for it.
Its a silicone mold there is no power to it. its awesome you can connect with your husband, and feel closer together,
Thank you so much for this post. As a Christian man it is hard to bring this up to other men without the judgement. I appreciate that you took your time in writing about this and doing it with grace and allowing the freedom for couples to decide. A brought it up a few weeks ago to my wife and I had to reassure her that my body belongs to her to do as she wishes. As we are exploring this idea of intimacy are there tips for exploring and follow through? How does a man prepare his body for begging?
You have to relax your body down there, breathe, you have to trust the person [wife] she will be responsive and she will not intentionally mane you, what ever the amount of lube you assume double it.
Starfish Tanner probably believes breast feeding is sinful too. After all (and I have thought this) doesn’t it seem strange The Lord made breasts both a way to feed a child but also a sexual body part with sexual nerve endings and men attracted to them- seems strange but yet the Lord made (designed) it that way. I have heard someone say women can get a little sexually stimulated by feeding a baby…or women that breast feed until age 3. Lets not draw boundaries where the Bible doesn’t draw boundaries. Lots of poor logic with some folks.
I actually told my wife I was reading about. she looked at me like really? I then told her why not u already penetrate me with your finger. not a while later I bought a lube for anal penetration. I asked my wife to penetrate me with her finger. she ask are you sure u want to try this? I said yes. she then asked why would u want a dick in your ass are you gay? I explain to her I am not gay but I would like to Experian the penetration from you with your toy. mind you I bought her a toy because my pinis is below average so I sometimes put it on to satisfy her. she then willingly brought out the 7inch strap on and began to penetrate me I was so hard and had a body orgam I never felt so good as my body felt it was shaking from head to toe. I love my wife and I am blessed to have her I’m thankful she satisfy as me. can’t wait to explore more with her and hopefully she opens up more about her sexual fantasies I will be willing to watch her fantasy come to reality
As a wife who has been pegging her husband for years now, let me add this as a benefit women get from it: When you see how much pleasure he is getting from it and you’re secure in your marriage, secure in the fact of knowing he’s not gay because of liking this, and learned to allow this act (and others) to truly deepen your bond and intimacy to uncharted levels, you will be shocked at how it makes you feel seeing him experience such intense pleasure and orgasm, especially knowing you’ve given him this intense pleasure. It’s truly a powerful feeling. It’s so powerful you could even get drunk from it and let it go to your head if you don’t self reflect and keep those feelings in check. But properly checked, the feeling of power can be a rousing beyond measure …. and by that point he’s usually ready to take you by force anyway which is always a win in the bedroom!
no way, there is just no way i would ever do that. I am 64 and there is absolutely never ever going to do that. it is being sodomized with a pegging device. This wasn’t going on back in my day and if it was it was kept in the hush hush and no man back then would never admit to it anyways.
Its kind you’re taking on these issues people do not know god thinking Christians square when it comes to sex. I think the sex Christians do we should have a more ecstatic connection because we’re in touch with the one whom gave us pussies and penises. There are a lot of sex therapy worldly but not with a christian connections I know we are all messy and imperfect we all come to a marriage with our on story and baggage that can become very oppressive and orthodoxic, and dogmatic. Wife of husband should be the one you connect with the most, second only to God and your children
What about wanting to suck the strap on? I just have this desire to play with it on my wife. It’s such a turn on
I think the next question would be “Why?” It gives her no physical pleasure, nor you, so what is the gain here and for what reason?
My husband has asked me to peg him. I’m praying and reading up about it, which brought me here. Thank you for dealing with this most personal of topics. I also read for hours on a website called “Quora”. Here are a couple of quotes from discussers on that website that concerned me (with some language adapted to render them devoid of profanity):
1) {from a guy] I’m not sure what I think about that now [her pegging me – which was his wife’s request to do]. In some ways I wish she hadn’t because it gave me such a huge orgasm that I shook all over and I liked her pegging my anus better than I liked vaginal intercourse with her.
2) [from a gal] Horrible. 5 years later I still hate it. The more time goes by the more I think he’s turning gay. Hurts my soul.
3) There was a man who, having pegged with women for years using all sorts of toys, began to actually wonder what it might feel like to have a penis in his anus. He said he wasn’t gay and didn’t want to have sex with a man. But he just wondered what it would feel like. I don’t know where that might go after enough time of wondering…
4) I saw at least 4-5 couples saying they eventually put the man into women’s panties (and one, a garter belt and stockings) to take the switch of roles farther.
5) This was not a concern on Quora, a secular site, but I already sometimes struggle with submitting graciously to my husband as Sarah submitted to Abram. My spirit would NOT have submitted peacefully to his suggestion to enter into Pharoah’s harem in order to save Abram’s life! I would say God must have another way out of this for us. I also am the eldest child in my family and so I tend to be more “in charge” than those who aren’t eldest children. My husband also. This means we butt heads often. I try to submit and I pray for God to ask me to submit but it’s still so hard! I worry that if I were to experience such dominance in the bedroom, would lit alter our dynamics such that I would be tempted to even more want to make my own decisions and not submit to my husband? Would I respect my husband after pegging him to the extent even that I do now? I honestly do worry about this. I haven’t seen one single comment or concern about this expressed above, so maybe I’m the only wife on here who sometimes struggles with obeying her husband and submitting to him as to the Lord. Although, in agreeing to peg him, I would in fact be submitting to him, because I’m honestly not interested in it at all. It would be only to bring joy and pleasure ot him. But I wonder if it would be bad for our dynamics.
Interested to hear from either Jay Dee or from anyone here on these things —
Thank you so much and God bless you all.
My first thought is – if you have serious concerns about it – don’t do it! We’ve never tried this in our marriage either. The entire point of the post was that I couldn’t find a biblical reason not to. That doesn’t mean there isn’t a reason in your marriage not to. I find it hard to believe your husband would be willing to sacrifice respect for a particular kind of pleasure. If you’d lose respect for him by doing this, and I’d say that’s probably not a good trade-off.
And “not now” doesn’t have to mean “never”. We have plenty of things in our marriage bed that we’ve tabled for years. Some things are still waiting on a “maybe one day”, and other things we decided to try. There’s no harm in delaying.
Thanks very much for your perspective and wisdom. Well, apparently he was willing to stop our sex life if he couldn’t have the sexual practices for which he longed, becausee he chose to withhold sex from our marriage for 3 years thereafter and it continues. I have so many times made it clear either physically or verbally that I would love to reconnect with him sexually, but he’s not interested. 🙁 He did agree to go to Christian marriage counseling with me, so I’m looking forward to beginning this process soon.
It’s usually rather rude and presumptuous to question a man’s heterosexuality just because he enjoys the particular activity under discussion.
But him putting a complete stop to your sex life for 3 years because of it raises some massive red flags. If it really is that important to him then I could imagine someone stopping all sex for a few weeks or months as a way to get what he wants from you.
But 3 years? I suspect that he hasn’t stopped all sexual activity. He’s only stopped sexual activity with YOU.
Hopefully that isn’t the case. But if I were you, I would ask your husband about any bath-houses or bars he may be visiting and any apps on his phone.
I think this article is amazing, very informative, I’m so glad as a Christian I can read about these issues on your page, you discuss the really hard questions, that so many of us want to know the answers to but wouldn’t be asking anyone. I’m all for everyone having their own personal opinion n understand that in life we all see things differently, but just because you may not agree does not give you the right to judge others. The judgmental attitude on these topics is damaging to so many.
Thanks for the well thought out, and well spoken blog. Much appreciated.
Definition of sodomy
: anal or oral copulation with a member of the same or opposite sex
also : copulation with an animal
https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/sodomy
The word sodomy was created based on a false interpretation of the Bible. It’s not mentioned itself in scripture. You cannot redefine scripture using man-made words.
The word trinity is also man-made word.
That’s a bit different I think. We use the word “trinity” to express the idea of a singular God co-existing as three distinct persons. But that’s a mouthful, so we use “Trinity”. It’s a shortcut to a clearly expressed biblical teaching. However, sodomy doesn’t point to biblical teaching. It’s never mentioned directly or indirectly. Rather, people made the word based on the name of a people who were destroyed and then taught it was wrong.
If I coined the word “gomorrahizing” to mean “the act of eating olives”, I can’t turn around and say “Look the Bible says eating olives is sinful, because the people of Gomorrah did it and look what happened to them – I mean, it’s named after them!” just because I think olives are disgusting.
1.”It’s never mentioned directly or indirectly. Rather, people made the word based on the name of a people who were destroyed and then taught it was wrong.”Are you sure about this?
2.”sodomy doesn’t point to biblical teaching.” This word was coined for a reason(societal, theological and historical), similar to the way the word trinity was.
I think you should search the origins of the word and how was historically used during christendom before making those claims.
Find me a verse.
My wife pegs me and I also have PIV sex with her. I don’t see any issues with it. We got into it because we wanted to try prostate massage initially.
Is it okay if the dildo looks like a real penis?
I answer that question in this post:
SWM 085 – December 2021 Anonymous Questions
I realize this post is very old, but if anyone would be willing to help me, I would greatly appreciate it.
I was raised very traditionally- women stay at home with the babies, obey your husband, etc.
the man I married also believes in and agrees with those traditional biblical gender roles, and we adhere to them. We are both happy, love one another very much. He is absolutely everything to me, I’d be devastated without him. We have 2 small children, and have been married 6 years… about 3 years ago he opened up to me his desire to try pegging. I will add that he has an extremely masculine dominant personality so this was quite a surprise for me. He is highly adventurous in bed, so I was already well introduced to a wide variety of different things before he brought it up (I was a virgin, he was not lol, he was saved in early adulthood) I truly love him and want to be a blessing to him, I want him to be sexually satisfied as much as possible. We’ve been doing that with some regularity over the last 3 years and I still struggle so hard with it. I don’t understand why. It makes me feel extremely anxious, stressed, and want to cry. It makes me feel turned off and not interested in sex anymore. It makes me lose respect for him and view him differently, and not in a good way. I feel like my feelings towards it aren’t healthy for our marriage and I need to overcome them. I know all of those things are NOT good for me to be feeling. I greatly appreciated this article separating the gender role reversal from just wanting to feel the stimulation/pleasure. That is incredible helpful to me. I have never told him how I feel about it, because I don’t want to ruin this for him since it’s so important to him. And because I DO want to please and satiate him, and I’m willing to do it, I don’t want him to enjoy it less since he probably wouldn’t be able to enjoy it much if he knew how it affected me. I just don’t know how to get myself to stop feeling this way about it so I can devote myself to pleasing him entirely instead. Does anyone have any advice for me?
Sorry, this one got stuck in a spam filter and I just saw it.
Firstly, I’d say never agree to anything that makes you feel negatively about your spouse. You definitely need to say no to this and tell him why. Then, if you want to try and change how you feel, find baby-steps that you are okay with. If you can’t find any, then shelve it for a while and come back to it in a few years and try again. But it’s okay to say “I can’t do this”.
My wife intiated anal play to me in 2015. I was hooked most intense pleasure and closeness I felt with my s/o. However I idolized it and craved it and loved it alot. It escalated into a porn addiction and me pushing the narrative to want to explore more with my wife. We got into chastity cages, anak plugs, and pegging. The pegging was a great source of bonding but eventually lead to her believing I wanted a man to do it and not her which was never ever the case. The last time my wife pegging me eneded when she was penetrating me and saying she wanted to see a man do it to me. I did not like it immediately was turned off told her to stop she continued going until I pushed her off and we caused a huge fight. Shortly after she started using the pegging and sex toys to shame me and guilt me to make me feel like I was gross because I’m a Christian. A little while after she had an affair with a highschool friend we are now separated and I’m going to counseling this month. My wife 15 years I now feel like I do not know who she is. I would never hurt her or make her feel shameful the way she made me feel. If you and your wife decide to explore this avenue MAKE SURE God is the center of your marriage! The open doors we opened the devil seen miles away. I know eventually the sun will shine and God’s glory will be seen in this storm.
My heart breaks for you. So sorry to hear this. I hope you guys find restoration for your hearts.
My wife and I have been married for 12 years. I mentioned to her when we were first married that I’ve always enjoyed using anal toys on myself. It’s always been a solo thing for me. I’ve never tried to get her to participate. It takes nothing from our relationship. With a decade gone by I’m well aware of what she is interested in and not interested in. She has no interest but she also does not mind that I enjoy this during my own personal time. I have a very high labido and she has a very low labido. I have no interest in going out side of our marriage for this pleasure. Because I started this very young around 11 years old, I’ve never struggled with having fantasies or thoughts of others during this act. Its simply just an amazing feeling. Imagine that spine tingling sensation when you go #2 (I don’t know if woman have the same sensations) but imagine being able to have that feeling any time you wanted to and for as long as you wanted to without actually doing the #2.
Here is my only concern. I’m a believer and disciple of Jesus Christ who I have a personal daily relationship with. I want to please my God. I don’t want to ever dishonor Him. I have no issue with my personal solo anal play as I think of my wife or think of just the pleasure I’m giving myself. I’ve tried scores of dildos and toys to varying effect. The ones that feel the best for me are not too bumpy, not too smooth, not too rigid and must have some kind of head to give my prostate that extra pop when it goes in and out. But plugs are not good for long strokes. I like a nice deep and full sensation too. It has been so challenging to find any dildo out there better than a realistic penis shape. I’m not looking for something that visually looks like a male because I’m not attracted to men. It’s just that the penis shape is designed for penetration if you think about it. It has a smooth rounded top that allows it to not poke your insides, then the bell shape is lop-sided allowing it to penetrate in the same way an arrow or spade penetrates through something. The lop-sided aspect of the head makes for a gradual change in girth and when the whole thing is in, the bell shape gives that perfect pop sensation to the prostate. I can’t find any time of non-phallic dildo that can do the same job without it looking like a real penis.
So what would be the difference if it were my wife pegging me in the dark with this incredible shape if I can’t see it but only feel it and see her, compared to it being me doing that to myself with a dildo? I don’t even need to cum and most often don’t.
I’ve never really found a straight answer online ever. Since I’m not with a man, I’m not thinking of a man, is it the taboo part of it or the negative social stigma that convicts me about the shape of the dildo or is it biblical? I personally don’t see how it can be bad since I’m open about it with my wife and she’s ok with me and there is no outside partners or imaginations involved. I just want to get back to having fun.
Now, having my wife peg my throat is a little harder to get passed the idea. It feels great also but we’ve never talked about that either since I know her boundaries.
As a straight male, being sexually aroused by this idea troubled me. It made me second guess my sexuality, wether or not I was gay for wanting to be pegged. I have been with my wife now for 3 years, at the beginning of our relationship I expressed this urge to her, and it was totally taboo and dismissed with prejudice. We weren’t the same for maybe a week after the conversation then it was like nothing ever happened. However, after growing as a person myself I brought it up again not to long ago, and I explained very thoroughly that no I am not gay. No I do not want to have sex with men. Men have prostates, it feels amazing, and is sexually arousing to let go of responsibility *NOT GENDER ROLE* and to give your woman some accountability for making sure you are pleasured completely. My wife maybe once a week will peg me, she has explained to me she didn’t necessarily enjoy it, but with time she has started to. The stigma around bedroom activities crossing into homosexual territory are ridiculous. There is a big fat red line in between the two. A man and a woman having sex in the bedroom with distinct moral lines is normal no matter what sex act you are doing be it bondage, or anal play. Two men having sex is gay. That is that. I’m not sure why so many feel the need to make this a religious subject when the answer is so clear cut. God said, don’t have sex with men. He did not say, don’t let your wife peg you or don’t handcuff your wife and paddle her !! I don’t mean to be so explicit but I feel as though it makes a better point.
Wow – strong opinions here. At the end of the day you need to read the bible and make the best decision for yourself. If God does count pegging between a married couple as sodomy, then that’s where grace and forgiveness come in, because of our limited understanding of his word.
My wife and I have been pegging for 10 years before it was cool. I am not gay, bi, or care to be. I am the man in the relationship and we do not use it as a gender issue, or power dynamic tool. She is servicing me, and bringing me pleasure, she is getting nothing out of it physically (although mentally she loves it).
In what would is a female, serving her husband, homosexual? People are why over thinking this. Those that have tried it mostly loved it. Those that haven’t have strong feelings about it for some reason?
As a married couple you have to find out what you’re both comfortable with doing. In terms of sex ilI strongly support the idea of trying everything with an open mind with your spouse. You will never know what kinks your really have unless you explore. God gave humans a gift with sex, do not limit that gift between husband and wife because ou think something might be wrong or gross.
“I’m the man in the relationship” says the guy that gets fucked by his wife
I think you’re conflating topping/bottoming with dominant/submissive.
I’m not conflating anything
I’d say go for it!
I would encourage every Christian who reads this to look at the Hebrew words behind all of these actions, particularly the Hebrew word for female. Our modern, western Christian mindset is far different from God’s perspective and we can find the clues as to what she believes in the Hebrew language.
The word for female, neqevah, comes from the root word meaning to pierce. It is absolutely clear in all references to women and females, from the original Hebrews text, that a female is the one to be “pierced,” aka penetrated. The word also implies the woman is a “boundary” both physically and spiritually, providing walls. This concept can easily be seen in the idea of a vagina providing that surrounding for a penis. There is never once any indication that a man being penetrated is right in God’s eyes from the Hebrew perspective. This is a reversed role and we just need to look at it from what God’s (original) Word says, not our modern take on it.
I disagree with your interpretation of the root words. It’s not who who is to be pierced, but rather the one who was pierced – as in, they have a hole instead of a penis. It’s not a description of action, but rather a description of anatomy. You’ve read quite a bit into that interpretation.
Hebrew is a dynamic flow language. She was not pierced by being created that way. Hebrew is not a noun based language, it is action based, verb based. I haven’t read into it. That is a widely held belief by scholars of Hebrew who understand the words are not at all read from our western Greek mindset of a noun based language.
Commentators even in some Hebrew dictionaries agree on this and this is still the understood meaning by rabbis.
Yada is the verb used in regards to the city of Sodom, and it means to know, in this case in a sexual context. We can clearly seduce homosexuality is wrong. Which would be a man penetrating a man. The only way for a man to do that is the anus or mouth.
We can see clearly the mouth is not off limits in God’s eyes between a man and woman because of Song of Solomon. But there are no sexual descriptors for the butt hole in Song of Solomon. There are plenty of indicators for other forms of pleasure. The anus isn’t seen here.
I think you disagree simply because you want pegging to be okay, which is your prerogative, but it doesn’t actually make it okay.
This isn’t an opinion on Hebrew words. These are facts about the language. We are talking centuries of Jewish scholars and Hebrew research that says the woman is the one being penetrated, because that’s why she was the one created with a hole made for a penis.
Only one hole was made for the specific intent of a oenis. I think we can all assess that the vagina was specifically made for that and as the birth canal. We can clearly see that the anus was made for excretion on both man and woman.
Look, I don’t have a horse in this game – I don’t engage in pegging. But, I don’t believe your interpretation (or the Rabbis) is correct in this – I disagree with them on quite a few topics – like who Jesus was.
I do agree that homosexuality is wrong, that is quite clear and repeated often in scripture, both for men and women. That is the message. There is nothing in scripture that says that a man being penetrated is sinful (unless it’s by another man). And a reference missing from Song of Solomon doesn’t make it okay – even the references to manual and oral sex are very vague and have to be read into to justify them. I happen to agree that oral and manual sex are okay too, but I would not use Song of Solomon to prove it, because it’s not clear proof.
Even if the point is argued that the anus is a hole, therefore it can be penetrated, the other thing we can clearly assess is that the woman wasn’t made with a penis or anything else (other than fingers) for penetration. So one can argue that a woman can be penetrated vaginally (clearly YHWH’s design) and anally (questionably not because of the opportunity for fecal matter to cause infections, etc). The harder point to argue here is that it is okay for a man to be penetrated because the woman was not equipped for such behavior. Let’s think about it. Most Bible believing Christians agree that men penetrating each other is wrong, so how is a woman with a fake penis strapped on her, penetrating her husband’s rectum, doing what two men do, and is “against the natural use,” right?
I think the New Testament is another good reference, as that term “against the natural use” is used in reference to homosexuality, and it is clear that the natural use of the butt hole is not for sex, but for poop, while the natural use of a vagina is unquestionably for sex.
Right, the old “it’s not natural argument”. In order to make that argument, you have to put a lot of weight on some vague things, and ignore a lot of concrete things.
For example, you’re interpreting Romans 1:26-27 in a way that is clearly not indicated by the text – it is very clear that what is unnatural is that men should seek out men instead of women “craving for one another, males with males” and likewise the females did the same (women with women). It says nothing about body parts, modalities, etc. It’s very clear that it’s about homosexuality. So, that’s not a good argument.
The “God’s design” argument – you have to ignore a bunch of things.
Firstly, the “God didn’t design it, so it’s evil” approach is ludicrous. We use massage oil for massages despite our hands not producing lubricant – is that sinful? Is extra lubrication for sex sinful? Are sex toys sinful? Vibrators? We don’t vibrate after all.
But beyond that, computers are synthetic as well. Humans don’t fly – so should we use planes?
The argument breaks down upon immediate scrutiny.
As well, you have to ignore the natural things God did design. Prostates for example. The fact that the clitoral legs also are accessible through the anus. All the nerve endings that give pleasure in that area as well. Now, those are natural – by God’s design – unless you believe He made a mistake there.
And the “it has one function” argument isn’t great either. Is oral sex out of the question? I mean, mouths are made for eating. Oh, and breathing I guess. And talking. I guess that’s too many things… Another mistake of God’s? I mean, even the vagina has multiple functions – pleasure and birthing. Why is that okay, but it’s not okay for the anus to have 2 functions?
So, are you taking away sex toys, oral sex, manual sex, along with anal sex? Is that all forbidden in your worldview?
I’m so glad to see this posted!
I’ve been frustrated for so long in bed, and it’s been odd. From 2009 until 2022, sex has generally been “a few kisses and get it over with”. Starting in January 2022, my wife suddenly asked to introduce some light BDSM. It lasted about 6 weeks, and we went overboard. At the beginning of March it went back to what it had been before.
In January 2023, it happened again similarly and we “took it slow” but ended just as quickly—frustrating since it seemed to end just before my birthday.
This year we’re trying again, but really it’s only been once so far this year. Still trying to figure out the extreme changes and why my wife seems to be so extreme. And going from pushing me to try new stuff to acting like she would never want it.
At one point I told her I can’t trust her because she would ask for things and be okay multiple times and then later act like she never would want that.
There are no substances or mental health issues involved, so I think it’s her trying very hard to enjoy things and then have social beliefs and general anxiety (about everything) playing into it.
At any rate, we have done anal and it’s been tough for me to get going. I’m ready to try it a third time, but it’s always awkward to be a “Dom” (like she has asked) when she doesn’t initiate it, though she says she wants it.
At any rate, I have asked her about pegging and she didn’t balk at it, and it’s on a shared list of things she’s willing to do, but we’ve never gotten there, and still have a few other toys she’s long had but we haven’t used.
I’d be happy somewhere in the middle but it just seems to be a rollercoaster and it’s still frustrating much of the time.
I don’t know if you’ve ever covered this, but one thing I enjoyed and would like to go with again is her being tied down and I was actively penetrating her orally (shallow due to gag reflex), but we enjoyed it the same. Definitely something requiring care and I should have done more research first, though.
I haven’t addressed oral sex with bondage, but you might be interested in this post for the “rollercoaster” effect you’re talking about: https://www.uncoveringintimacy.com/your-definition-of-gross-changes-when-youre-aroused/