Improve Communication in your marriage

Good communication actually starts with attitude. After all, you can communicate very effectively that you have a bad attitude and it still won’t help your marriage.

As such, the first step you should do is decide whether you choose to believe your spouse loves you or not. Because whether they do or not matters less than your perspective of them. Most couples I talk do, if I ask them if they love their spouse, they will answer “yes, of course.” If I ask if their spouse loves them, sometimes the answer is less clear. I get “I think so,” or “I’m not sure,” or even “I don’t think they do anymore.”

And that changes communication, because if you believe they don’t love you and are doing things maliciously, then it doesn’t matter how good your communication is – even if they do something loving, you will suspect it.

So, step one is to choose to believe your spouse loves you.

After that, then you have to change how you analyze situations. If they love you, and are honestly trying to show you that, then any time you feel hurt, there are only three possibilities:

They “missed” in trying to show their love – they tried to do something loving, and misunderstood your needs. For example, if I move something in order to try and help my wife by putting it where I think will be more efficient. But she went to look for it where it’s always been and walked right by where I had put it to try and help. I probably should have communicated that I had moved it. I tried, but missed in helping.
You misunderstood what they were trying to do – for example, if my wife sent me a video of a tropical island in the Caribbean where she intended just to show me something cool, but I take it as “I wish you made enough to afford for us to go there”, then that’s on me. I misunderstood their intentions and actually created a malicious narrative and inserted it into the interaction.
They got hurt and retaliated in instinct – this happens a lot at the beginning of trying to change your dynamic in your marriage. When you’ve had a battle mentality with your spouse for a long time, it’s hard not to fall into old patterns – to feel hurt and just attack right back. The thing to remember is that they don’t want to do this any more than you wanted to hurt them.

So, start by trying to adopt that new frame – you love your spouse, and they love you. Anything they do should be first assumed as an attempt at being loving, and if not, then give them grace while they grow.

After you’ve fixed your attitude, here are some more posts to help you with communication:

The 5 levels of communication
Never use absolute accusations
How to have a conversation
What to say when your wife tells you about her day
A plan is not a plan unless it is confirmed
Creative Conversation Starts for couples – Book Review
Silence means everything is okay
Active listening
Learning to talk R.I.T.E.
Covert contracts – expectations in marriage
How to resolve conflict more effectively

If you still have questions or are struggling in your marriage after implementing those ideas, then contact us to ask a question, or get coaching.