Some days I miss porn. Isn’t that sick? It’s true though. And I think a lot of people who have quit porn miss it from time to time.
Same goes for masturbating. And often the two are tied together, but they aren’t always. There are many Christians who will claim that masturbating without porn, or without lusting after someone else, is no problem. But, I strongly disagree. So, in this post, I’ll be addressing porn and masturbation (together or separately) whether one is involved, or both.
I’ve yet to see anyone write a post about missing porn/masturbation. It’s not socially acceptable. It’s becoming socially acceptable in Christianity to admit that we’ve struggled with porn/masturbation, or even that we’re struggling with porn/masturbation … but only in the sense that it’s a habit. Generally we’re not ready to deal with it as a desire yet.
This week, I was really wanting sex, and it just was an impossibility at the time, and suddenly the thought popped into my head “I miss porn”, and I did sort of a mental double-take “What?! Where did that come from? I don’t want that!”
But, I like to examine my desires, to figure out what it is I want. Why would I miss something that I know would damage my marriage, damage my relationship with God and damage myself? There must be something else going on here. I think part of a it is a combination of Satan trying to drag me back into sinful behaviour, and part of it is probably neuropathways that I created while watching porn trying to stay alive as I starve them out (it can take years), but I think there may be more to it.
And I’ll admit, writing this post is a bit scary. My wife is going to read this post (I had her read it before I hit publish actually), and that might bring up some things that would be easier to let alone. But, I’m going to trust that she’d rather know me that have me bury it.
So, why do I miss porn/masturbation?
Porn/masturbating is sex without responsibility
It’s all about me. I get to be selfish. I get what I want. I don’t have to worry about anyone else. It’s pure, unadulterated (except in the way that it’s adultery) sexual gratification. I don’t have to care about my wife. I don’t have to be concerned about how she’s feeling, or serving her. I get to focus on me.
The problem is that it teaches me to be selfish. It teaches me to focus on me. It teaches me to not care about my wife, and by extension, other people. It trains me not to love. Plus, you know what? I like caring for my wife. I like worrying about her satisfaction. I like working together to achieve an orgasm for her. Even when it’s difficult, when we manage it, it’s like we built something together.
And, those rare times when we have sex, and she just wants to bless me, to make it all about me, it’s all the better. Accepting a gift like that means a lot more coming from my spouse that it does coming from my self.
Porn/masturbating is sex on demand
I never had to wait for porn/masturbating. I didn’t have to worry that it wasn’t in the mood. I didn’t have to be concerned that it might be too exhausted that night. It was always there, ready and willing. It’s like owning a sex-slave…without the responsibility of feeding or caring for one.
For years, I really never dealt with unfulfilled sexual need. I could orgasm whenever I wanted. I never needed to deal with that “pent up” feeling. Now, some days, honestly, I feel such a physical need for sex, if it’s been a while, that I feel physically ill. Like the worst cramps I’ve ever had, except lower. I never had to deal with that before. I would just sneak off and relieve the pressure.
But, it made me impatient. It made me angry when my wife wasn’t in the mood, or even when things just didn’t work out and we weren’t able to have sex that night. When our kids got sick and we had to take care of them instead of have sex, I felt cheated. I felt like my right to sex was being interrupted.
These days, I get disappointed, but I don’t get angry. And I think that’s a healthy response. I’m sad that I can’t reconnect with my wife in that way on a given night. But, I’m not angry. I can wait. It’s not the end of the world. Patience is a virtue, and I’m learning to have it with regards to sex.
Porn/masturbating doesn’t require vulnerability
With porn or masturbating, you don’t have a partner to be vulnerable with, and so there’s a lot less worry involved. You never worry that you will be turned down for sex. You never worry that they will think you’re weird for having a sexual request. You never worry that they won’t want to do a particular activity. You don’t worry about what they will think of you. There’s no vulnerability because there’s no intimacy. It’s “just sex”.
It also makes it harder to be vulnerable when you are having “real sex” with your spouse though. You’re used to not needing to open up. You’re used to being protected. So, it makes you afraid to initiate, because you’re not used to hearing “no” (not that I think spouses should ever say that), or “not tonight”, or even “later”. You’re not used to hearing “I’m not interested in doing that” or “Could we do something else tonight?” or “I’m not in the mood for that particular activity”. We are so unused to it, that we are hurt when our spouse merely expresses their preference during sex, because we aren’t used to having any feedback or vulnerability. We’re used to green lights, and so red lights or even amber lights hurt. We get angry or upset (even if we don’t show it).
But vulnerability is good. Yes, it introduces risk, but that risk is required payment for intimacy. Intimacy is really what marriage is all about. About having one person who really knows us. To the core. Someone we can share everything with. Not only shared goals and dreams, or shared parenting, or shared ministry, or shared assets. But, shared life. Shared emotions. Shared fears. Shared sexuality. Two become one, because we share everything. We’re so open with each other that there are no boundaries. That is what we ultimately desire. Those are the relationships we want. We were built for intimacy. It’s worth the risk.
Why do I miss porn/masturbating?
Because I’m selfish. Because sometimes all I think about is me. Because some days I don’t want to grow. I don’t want to be stretched. I want it to be easy. I want it to be about me. God help me.
And He is, and so is my wife, when she’s available. I may miss porn/masturbating occasionally, but with their help, I’m staying away from it. I refuse to let this control me any more. I refuse to let it hold back my relationship with my wife, or my relationship with God.
Now, some may ask “but what if my spouse isn’t helping?” Then you need to let God help more. There are times when my wife doesn’t help. Most notably are when she’s not home. If she’s out of the house, she can’t help me. But God can. He’s always there, ready to talk, ready to help. Ultimately your spouse might be able to lend some additional help, but the real help comes from God. I don’t mean to downplay the impact a spouse can have in breaking free. If you’re spouse is struggling with porn or masturbation, you can literally be the deciding factor in whether or not they kick it for good. Or you may not be. The truth is, that God is enough, if the spouse that is struggling with rely on God enough. I’ll be honest, I didn’t. I needed my wife’s help because I didn’t lean on God enough, and I thank God regularly that I have a wife that was willing to help me through it. But, if you don’t have a spouse like that, know that God can be enough. It’s up to you to accept Him as that help.
This is all so true. I’m a porn addict and it’s true. Porn is easy. My wife and I dont have an active sex life and when we have it its only one position, the one she likes but with porn it’s all about me but it’s a poison that’s slowly killing me. What do you do when you are not close enough to God? How do you get free then? I was a Christian who prayed, faster and served in the church but one day I got burned out. I was living for God but I got so tired of all demands, of all the things I had to do to be a good Christian and suddenly I couldn’t pray for hours like I used to, I couldn’t fast every week as I used to and I lost all motivation. Today I can barely pray for 5 minutes and my goal is to read 1 chapter a day in the bible. Before I could read more but I am so tired. And becaus of this my struggle with porn got worse. I had always struggled with it but things had been better falling occasionally and being honest with my wife. But now I struggle to be free from it one day a week. I know I have to make a choice but I am not strong enough to do it and it is killing me softly. Wish I could end it all but I can’t. This hell is awful and at the same time as you point out it’s easy, it feels good, it takes away the anguish for a moment, the stress, it calms me down , It gives me what I need for the moment but slowly kills me.
What do you do when you are not close enough to God? Get closer. Sounds like you were living for the church, not for God. Too focused on the works, and not enough on the relationship.
Maybe try again, but focus on God not on “being a good Christian”. Read the Bible to know Him better…not to fulfill your quota. Fast if you feel called to do it. Not because it’s expected or a ritual.
Thanks for the tips. I am trying to get back. Some days are easier than others. It’s harder when I have fallen into sin , the shame and the guilt makes it easier to just get further from God. But I have to try.
What a wonderfully candid post. The openness that you and your wife have is much like that of mine and my husband’s and I believe it’s supposed to be that way in all marriages. Confession and and complete candidness is so powerful. Confession and openness was the major deciding factor between the consequences of King Saul’s sin, who merely lied about salvaging livestock from a conquered city, and King David who murdered a man so that he could have his wife. King Saul, who had the seemingly “smaller” sin, his kingship was terminated but King David’s was not, simply because Saul tried to hide his disobedience but David confessed. The devil wants to isolate us and shame us into keeping our sin a secret but in that isolation it usually grows. But God wants us to be completely open and candid with Him and with our loved ones because He can help us and they (our loved ones) can help us. 1 John 4:18 There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.
Furthermore, usually when one person becomes courageous enough to be open and confess, it gives others the courage to do the same thus bringing freedom and liberation to many! Freedom begats freedom in a sense! All in all, a wonderful post!
I’m very glad you liked it, I hope it helps some people.
Your emotions are beautifully raw. I know that this took a lot from you to share, but you did, and that rocks. I’m so proud to call you a friend. Thank you for what you have to say.
Thanks Keelie!
I had this come up in an unexpected way recently.
I was a few weeks post partum and I wanted to masturbate because I was a little freaked out about how different everything felt and I wanted to see if everything worked (was able to orgasm or if I had weird pain) before I actually took the plunge and had sex with my husband.
I basically had to make a conscious decision that I would only be seeing if things worked with my husband and that I wouldn’t go solo just to test things out. Super weird.
Good for you for making the right decision!
Jay sometimes I wish I could just like the comments but glad I can “like” the post. Excellent and so honest. Once again daring to speak about what others won’t. <3 Thank you.
WOW!!! Brave you are to tackle that! What surprises me most is that it takes years to retrain the brain. The pull sounds like an illegal drug that someone gets hooked on. Yet, there is no rehab center into which you can be admitted and promised “30 days to freedom.” What is the pull? Is it habit, or chemical?
Wow Jay Dee, you have spoken in such absolutes and broad characterizations. May as well have just called it sin without qualification? And maybe for porn it should be on so many levels but I would challenge that as a broad characterization of masturbation. I applaud you for being so vulnerable but it feels like you’re transferring feelings about your own personal struggles and circumstances onto all other men. I do though generally agree with your views on the topic especially porn use but not with the same degree of absolute characterizations about anyone who masturbates.
To associate masturbation under all circumstances as pure selfishness and mere self-gratification is to belittle the physical realities many men endure and which you described so well. It also implies masturbation is the source of the problems cited and stopping is the solution where in reality the source of problem is the selfish nature itself for which stopping masturbation is not the solution. If done so selfishly and for pure gratification then masturbation should be stopped. If it interferes with a truly intimate relationship (emotion, spiritual, physical) with your spouse or if they are opposed it should stop.
In my own experience when sexual tension is high my mental state is horrendous, my body tense from head to toe, and life miserable. If you want to call masturbation for simple relief selfish and self gratifying you have greatly misportrayed it. If you have reoccurring chronic headaches you wouldn’t say “I won’t take any medicine to relieve it” waiting for a doctor’s appointment for another resolution/fix when you can have some relief.
With this now said I will share from my life. There was a point I masturbated out of frustration over the state of the sexual relationship in our marriage making it easier to avoid talking about it after endless unsuccessful attempts. I believe that was wrong, allowed us to avoid confrontation, and helped erect a barrier to true intimacy. Currently, our emotional and spiritual intimacy is at it’s best in our marriage after much work and counseling. However, our physical intimacy is a challenge as I am very high drive and wife very low drive. At her request I quit masturbating two years ago but at least weekly endure the repercussions and turmoil of unmet need and it’s an awful cycle to go through. In a demonstration of my love and commitment to her in our process of restoration I chose not to masturbate and we abstained from sex for two months for a focus on communication and prayer. I have worked very hard to be a good husband and father throughout our 34 year marriage and given sacrificially. I will honor my wife’s request. Have I trusted God to help me quit masturbating, yes, and he helped me do that. But now I endure what he designed within me, to be relieved in marriage and yet to happen fully. It is an imperfect world and my lack of relief is not from a lack of trust in God. Do I miss masturbation, you bet. But it is not from selfishness.
Hi Jan,
Welcome to the comments section, thanks for your thoughts. Here are my responses:
I qualified it in the posts I linked to. No sense re-hashing that.
I disagree. I think allow masturbation belittles the power of God in men’s lives if they all but accept His help.
Thanks for the reply Jay Dee. I will have to say your closing ” You, of course, are welcome to have your own opinions.” is certainly dismissive in tone: The right goes without saying. I can understand how masturbation can be as you say, selfishness, laziness, and a fear of tackling the hard work. In my first post I spoke of a commitment to my wife to not masturbate and this has been for two years now and I have been successful except for rare failure. This certainly did not come from “fear of tackling the hard work” nor would have happened if I were lazy or selfish and absolutely not possible without God’s help. It was to honor her desire and our relationship. The effort we have put in to our relationship the past couple years has been tremendous and we are consistently working to tackle the physical intimacy challenge. “Alternate avenues” are what we seek but have yet to find resolution due to many factors. In all this, it does not remove the reality of what my mind and body endures. The self-control is evident in living out the commitments I have made and how I react despite the tension. As you are not ready to make any “concessions” on masturbation and how you view those who do – and I agree the best option is to not do it – I am not ready to so boldly and broadly judge others as being lazy or selfish or unwilling to tackle the hard work, or imply a lack of trust in God. I choose to grant some grace in my view of and reaction to others and their struggles in a very imperfect world and not be quite as “harsh” in my approach.
Jay Dee, I want to apologize if my own tone was harsh or defensive. I have invested much emotional energy and effort in our marriage the past couple years with much sacrifice and I did not receive the “selfish” and “self gratifying” terminology well.
I do my best not to read tone into messages. I was not offended in the least. It’s difficult to be confronted with potential sins. It’s our pride that raises up. But, with God our attitude can change. When people bring up a sin for us to address in our life, we can review it and either say “yes, that is something I need to work on” or “No, you’ve misread the situation”. Either way, there’s no need to be upset. But, it’s difficult to get to that place. It comes with practice though. Thankfully, thanks to this blog, I get a lot of practice with people disagreeing with my statements and thinking I’m wrong and need to repent for what I’ve said 🙂
Well, let me be axiomatic again then: One cannot convey tone through text. One can imply, and another may infer, but it cannot be conveyed. You, sir, have inferred a tone where it was not implied. And the right may go without saying, but unfortunately, if I don’t say it, many believe that I am telling them they must believe as I do. So, it seems it must be said more often than it goes without saying, if you catch my meaning.
Sometimes I find Christians believe that having grace means not having a hard stance on sin. But, that’s not what I see in the Bible. Biblical grace is extending forgiveness to those who are contrite. But, if one doesn’t accept ones sin, then the biblical counsel is not to extend grace, but rather to show them their sin. To suggest that we must extend grace to sinful behaviour is not biblical.
I’m sorry if you feel that is harsh.
And I feel you may have mistaken my attitude towards people. I feel sad for those who sin without even knowing it. They are damaging themselves without even being aware of what they are doing. I’m also compassionate towards those who are trying to stop. I’ve been there. I’m not sure you ever really leave there. It takes continuous vigilance to stay away from habitual sins. But, don’t mistake this: I will not “accept” their sin, even though I accept them. That is why I will not make concessions. To do so would be to enable them in their sin, thereby being an accomplice in it. I would be sinning myself. An imperfect world does not excuse us from being imperfect people. That is why we need Jesus and His sacrifice. To accept that imperfect people will sin, and count that as an excuse, is to deny the ministry of Christ.
At least, that’s how I see it.
A long statement Jay Dee addressing something different than I said about grace. My mention of grace was in reference to the “approach” we use and my choice not to be ” harsh” in mine . It was not to imply extending grace by excusing sinful behavior or to excuse sinful behavior because of an imperfect world. I simply prefer and believe in the effectiveness of a more compassionate and relational approach understanding the difficulties and struggles of this life. It appears “axiomatic” that you enjoy a technical debate. I’m not even sure what you were saying in the first couple sentences of your reply. Did I use “axiomatic” correctly in my sentence? I had to look it up and still probably used it wrong. And yes, I think you can “infer” some “tone” in my text. I looked up the definitions of those words too. Anyway, enough said from me.
I see, then I think I misunderstood your points.
Sorry, I tend to be a bit pedantic, meaning I really like precise, exact, words. So, in that way, yeah, I like technical arguments, because if precise words aren’t used, then I think sometimes people start having discussions about two different topics (as you pointed out in this thread). But, the point is not technicality, but rather to make discussing the real issue more efficient and effective.
I understand the value of precision but sometimes in our focus on precision we over evaluate and miss what is trying to be expressed. I was trained in technical speaking and writing by the military and carried that style into relational conversation and writing and it didn’t work out so well. Hard to convey heart when being technical. It’s also easy to get wrapped up in precision as a method of defense against potential challenges later and relational and heart felt communication and interaction goes out the window. Bit of a dilemma. I think I’ll risk being misunderstood and if need be clarify….and sometimes have to apologize.
Ahh, military background. Those who have been in the military tend to really dislike my stance on masturbation. Thanks for clarifying.
Presumptive, I never deployed or served a remote tour alone. Can’t claim that level of sacrifice as those who have. Though K.I. Sawyer AFB in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan could almost be considered remote. I served as enlisted and earned an engineering degree and then served as an officer. Had my wife with me at all assignments. We were blessed with few moves. My main issue was not primarily with your position on masturbation but with broad categorization that it is purely selfish and self gratification, the harshness of presentation, and using such absolutes. Though since you mentioned military I guess I would have a much harder time than you in calling masturbation a sin for deployed troops away from home for months. Can it be, maybe. That could be another long debate and I don’t really intend to go there since that was not my main issue.
Didn’t think it was that presumptive. I didn’t say you served a remote tour. I merely said you were in the military.
As for it being selfish and self-gratification…that’s what all sin is. Thinking more about ourselves than other (God in particular), and wanting immediate gratification rather than waiting.
Understood Jay Dee
This is so true… as someone who grew up with porn in the house I developed an interest in it at a young age. Even after 30 yrs I still find sometimes that when things are strained between my wife and I and sex has become infrequent I’ll have the thought that maybe it’s OK to look at a little to “elevated” the pressure. Even though the I know it would only hurt things I still have to be on my guard against such temptations.
I miss it too.
My husband is addicted to it now.
It helped him want me again, he stopped refusing me sex, during our porn year. It quickly turned into him wanting me to go further than I wanted to go.
Now I’m in a sexless marriage.
He won’t admit it’s a addiction for him.
High stimulation sex drive is what I call his sex drive. He indulged as a per-teen in porn and masturbating. And sex with a friend before he was 10, with a male friend.
I think masturbation (more often for men) becomes an outlet in marriages where the other spouse doesn’t have the same “urges” or “needs.” In most cases I’m assuming it’s men who have the greater urges. In my case I think it helps to have that outlet because it keeps my inner stress level down and it keeps my wife from thinking I need sex with her nearly every 24 hours. Is it selfish? I suppose. But it also seems to keep me calmer and less edgy, and I’m just as eager to share sexual intimacy with my wife when the time comes for us to come together. If some men and their wives have identical sexual needs then masturbation is completely unnecessary. But how many marriages have two people with the exact same sexual needs? I’d say it’s pretty rare. So I see masturbation as a release for that person who might have to wait 3 to 7 days for their next sexual union with their spouse, and it keeps the spouse from having to feel like they need to “perform” more often than they may want. The question I’ve had brought up to me and I don’t have a great answer for it is this. Why did God give some of us this strong urge if we are so constrained not to use it? But I’m still struggling with the right answers. Particularly when you’re thinking of your wife during the act of masturbation. Just some thoughts on the subject.
So, you agree that it’s selfish, and that it’s done to avoid the real issue in the marriage. That it side-steps Christian virtues like self-control in favor of making it easier, rather than working on intimacy in the marriage.
But, you do highlight a common myth: that sex drives are equal. Women’s sex drives tend to be more re-active than pro-active. Most women will not feel a sudden desire for sex. Rather, when they are in the right context, their sexual response system will then recognize that it should respond, and does. This belief that women’s arousal patterns are like mens causes a lot of problems in marriages. Of course it’s rare for them to have the exact same sexual drives…they’re brains generally work very differently. That doesn’t mean that sex only has to happen once a week. It just means you have to learn how to nagivate the differences. That comes about with communication … not avoiding the issue in favor of masturbation.
You said, “…neuropathways that I created while watching porn…” Is porn that invasive? Please explain! Thanks!!!
Is porn that invasive? Yes! It will literally rewire your brain. And, if it can another 7 years to undo that wiring! Porn is incredibly invasive!
Ok, so here’s a thought (it has worked for us now for years).
My wife and I make our own home made videos of sex. Some pre planned, some random camera in the room. We talked about it and agreed to it. I love my wife, and she is an amazing and beautiful creature of god. Couldn’t ask for a more perfect mate.
If I need release, she encourages that I watch us. In fact, she really enjoys watching us sometimes too, and on occasion, Asks me to send her a short clip to keep hidden on her phone! So, if I watch “porn” , it’s our own “porn”. No silly scripts, no horrible acting (most of the time) and no one but us and God.
Maybe this approach will help many of you, or none of you, but it has brought us closer together and keeps me in check!
For myself, I don’t believe solo masturbation is moral, but I know some others might find that acceptable.