This question came in over a week ago from our anonymous Have A Question page:
My husband would like me to massage his prostate. There is a gross factor for me but I love him and would love to make him happy! How do I get over the gross factor? Is this common? Is this ok?
I’ve been delaying a bit, because I haven’t written about prostate play yet, or any anal play on men, really. I mean, I think we skirted the issue in our survey on anal play, but I’m not sure we’ve tackled it directly.
But, I also didn’t want to leave a question unanswered too long. Now, there are a few questions here, so let’s tackle them one by one, in reverse order.
Is prostate massage “okay”?
My opinion: yeah, it’s fine. I know that there are many Christians who will disagree with me. They’ll start pulling verses like
Do not have sexual relations with a man as one does with a woman; that is detestable. – Leviticus 18:22
and
If a man has sexual relations with a man as one does with a woman, both of them have done what is detestable. They are to be put to death; their blood will be on their own heads. – Leviticus 20:13
or, if you want a New Testament verse:
Because of this, God gave them over to shameful lusts. Even their women exchanged natural sexual relations for unnatural ones. In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed shameful acts with other men, and received in themselves the due penalty for their error. – Romans 1:26-27
Even though they have nothing to do with the topic, these are the go-to verses when anyone does anything that even hints at anal sex. Especially when the man is doing the “receiving”. But, of course, these verses are talking about a man and a man, and so can’t really be used in this context.
The next objection is usually medical, about cleanliness, or about the anus being “an exit, not an entrance”. But, then colonoscopies and prostate exams don’t get the same admonitions. So, that doesn’t really stand up. Particularly when uttered by medical personnel.
And then there are those who will claim that any man who has an interested in anal stimulation is leaning towards homosexuality, or is in danger of becoming bisexual, or other nonsense. These just don’t make any sense, and it’s just homophobic rantings with no logic behind them whatsoever. I’m honestly not even sure how to tackle objections like that, because they have no basis in reason to discuss. But, in short, the focus is that he’s asking his wife, not another man. I mean, we don’t accuse men of being homosexual when they desire a blow job…I don’t see how this is any different. I mean that’s something many homosexual couples do as well.
So, perhaps we should ask, what is the drive for this type of play for men. Well, I discussed it already in my post on anal play, but in short, the prostate contains a lot of pleasure nerves, and you can even have an orgasm just by milking the prostate. In fact, men who have lost their ability to get an erection can still have orgasms through prostate massage. Plus, there are many nerve endings around the anus, so even without reaching the prostate, there can be pleasure involved.
Is prostate massage common?
I’m afraid I don’t have any specific stats on prostate massage. However, I do have some on anal play in general from our survey on anal sex. Here’s what I know:
66 out of 303 men surveyed, about 22%, said they have their wife penetrate them with a finger.
33 out of 156 women surveyed, about 21%, said that they penetrate their husband with a finger.
So, about one in five Christian couples are doing this. Is that considered common? Maybe not. Certainly not rare though.
How do I get over the gross factor?
I think that’s the big question. So, the first answer is cleanliness. I recent bowel movement and a shower will probably cut down on any potentially embarrassing incidents. Plus, you can always use surgical gloves.
Or, if that’s still too much for you, you can try a toy to help with the penetrating.
Lastly, there is a mechanism in the brain that shuts down objections and disgust when we get aroused. When you’re turned on, you are far more willing to push past some of your reservations. For unmarried people, this is a problem, but for us marrieds, we can use it to advantage.
If your feeling grossed out, make sure you’re good and aroused, maybe have an orgasm of your own first. Then give it a try.
And lastly, if you just can’t bring yourself to do it, then just be open and honest with your husband. Let him know you aren’t ready for that yet. Then reevaluate it in a few months or years.
I hope that helps.
Guess I’ll go first. That was a tough topic to deal with. Anal play or sex is difficult enough but asking some one to massage your prostate is even more difficult. With anal sex or play, both partners may be highly aroused since it is usually part of a shared sexual experience and, as you point out, it’s easier to experiment and/or “justify” doing something considered atypical. “I was just caught up in the mood.”
An important reason for a wife to consider coming to terms with prostate massage is her husband’s very possible developing ED as he ages and this becoming his only form of sexual release. (Note I did not say only from of sexual sharing with his wife.) ED is also a reason I so strongly suggest wives accept and engage in oral sex as an option with aging husbands. Sometimes his penile sensitivity will not be sufficient to reach orgasm or ejaculation through PIV sex alone. Yes, you can masturbate him but hands do not feel as close to a vagina as a mouth does frankly speaking. If making love with you primarily through PIV has been a favorite or his, oral sex is the only thing that will come close to that feel. You might ask “Why not anal then?” Aside from that being even less popular with women than oral, it takes a very firm erection to perform anal and the erection is the failing issue at that point. Know this too; ED medications do not work for some men, not just those with from heart med issues, and do not always work when taken by men who can use them. A vital sex life will need gender-unique options for it to be sustained as both partners age.
This sex to the usual completion effort can be further complicated by the wife needing supplemental lubrication to not feel discomfort during any form of vaginal penetration. The lube used may be too slick and not allow for enough friction for him to stay adequately aroused physically.
There are ways of clearing the rectum prior to anal sex and prostate massage to avoid odor and mess. I won’t go into them here and latex or nitrile gloves should be used in any case. Even if you both would come to like the feel of fingers against tissue, it’s sketchy ground from a infection standpoint, particularly once you insert. Even if using a toy/tool you should dress it with a condom to help keep it sanitary so cleaning it has confident results.
Keep this in mind too. As much as he may desire it and you want to please him, it may not go glowingly well the first, second, third, fourth, fifth, etc. time. Just like the first time you had intercourse compared to the tenth, there will be a learning curve before optimal pleasure and desired results are met for both of you. His pleasure will be quite obvious to you. Your pleasure in doing it will be found in seeing his pleasure and knowing you are responsible for it.
That is great insight and information too. Thank you for your comments!
Thanks for the post. I wish my husband were as communicative as the original questioner’s. He is very shy/reluctant asking for what he wants sexually but seems interested in this. I know men often get a lot of toxic messages about anal play/sex so I imagine asking for this in particular could take a lot of trust. My past tries he seems to enjoy it but I’m thinking something like “well is it worth the icky parts if I’m not sure he wants it that much?” After reading this I’m encouraged to not just give up based on my own inconvenience and his lack of speaking up. Maybe if I am willing he will feel more free to say if he likes it enough to work with me on the ‘prep’ I guess.
If we do try this more often I’ll need to learn how we can avoid having me bump up against stool. That’s the ick part for sure. And would require some intention and forethought on his part…
And thanks for including the stats! One in five reassures me that plenty of other Christian couples are including this in their bedrooms. Makes it less intimidating.
I’m writer I like to think what I’m going to say and then I send it to him through email. That way I don’t get flustered of embarrassed and then we can talk about it later face to face of we want too. It a thought,!
This is a late coming comment, but another good read on the topic:
http://www.lovemarriagesex.com/2014/02/why-your-sexual-vocabulary-should-never-include-the-word-gross.html