I’ve been getting a lot of requests for information on bondage play. Sadly, this is probably in partially due to the whole 50 Shades of Grey phenomenon, but there are some couples who are genuinely interested, without that influence.
So, I thought I would write a (very) quick post as a sort of simple way for spouses to start off with bondage. Sort of bondage without bondage, if you will.
Honor bondage is a term given to play in which both spouses act as if one spouse is bound. There are a couple of ways to do this. For the purposes of this post, the dominant spouse will be doing the “binding”, and the submissive spouse will be being “bound”.
The first is more of an acting / make-belief scenario. In short, you both agree to behave as if one spouse is bound. The dominant spouse might even mime tying them up to add to the feel of it. Then, though out your “play”, you need to act in accordance with this game. The submissive spouse should act as if their arms/hands/legs/whatever are bound in the manner described or acted out. Likewise the dominant spouse should not be moving the submissive spouse about in such a way that would violate the game (by moving an arm that was tied for example). It’s a simple game, but think of it as bondage-extra-light.
The second is similar, but a slightly different slant. The submissive carries out a restrictive order given by the dominant spouse. Some examples are “hold your hands over your head”, or “don’t let go of the headboard”. It’s not quite bondage, but has a similar affect. The submissive spouse should, with all their will, seek to carry out the order. It can be reinforced with the “threat” of getting out the ropes if they need help following orders.
Both these scenarios restrict movement, but only with your mind or will. They don’t involve any actual binding. You are bound only by your “honor”, as it were. Thus, the term: honor bondage. There’s no risk, no discomfort, and you get to play with the excitement of bondage without having to deal with the vulnerability of bondage. Of course, it’s not quite the same, but then the vulnerability is what many (dominant and submissive spouses alike) enjoy most about bondage.
Your Turn
Have you ever tried something like honor bondage in your marriage? Think it’s something you might enjoy? Might be worth a discussion with your spouse. And if this seems too simple for you, you may want to check out two other posts on bondage:
Another idea is to use several sheets of paper towels as ‘rope’. Pull out a length of them and fold or roll them along that length to tie to the spouse and the bed.
This gives the tactile feeling of being bound without any actual restraint-so still an honor bondage.
We’ve done the ‘you’re not allowed to let go of this’ type of honor bondage a couple of times and liked it. I can’t imagine just make believing you are tied up, there is nothing to pull against.
I personally don’t understand how enacting acts of violence is sexy. It’s like the meme that says, “if Christian in 50 Shades of Gray was some unkempt 50 year old in a trashy mobile home doing the same things, we’d feel differently about the story.”
Is there some innate desire in men to abuse women? Is there some innate desire in women to be controlled and abused?
I was looking for vintage housewife pictures and came across mid century porn where the women were bound, gagged, and hog tied while gorgeously made up with hair and make up. She looks at the camera with pained, pleading, scared eyes and guys are like, “oh yeah, that’s right, that’s sexy.” I just don’t get how mimicking abuse, violence, and torture is sexy?
I could see maybe she has been kidnapped and left tied in a barn and her hero husband comes to rescue her and they can’t wait to get all her restraints off before making love. But why reenact imprisonment, torture, rape?
Hey, I like holding the headboard as much as the next person, but I would be scared to death if my husband wanted to pretend he was victimizing me.
It is her genuine willingness to submit to such a high degree that makes it sexy, at least that is how it is for me. If it was something that made her feel scared and victimized then it would most certainly not be something I would want to do, but for her to extend to me that level of trust and submission and to willingly give herself so completely to me is turn on. I don’t think men have an innate desire to abuse women, but I do think they tend to have a desire for feeling powerful and in charge and this is a way a wife can give that to her man. I think women tend to desire a man who is strong and powerful and this plays to that as well. Rape fantasies are not that uncommon among women, not wanting to be raped for real, but play acting it out with their spouse only pretending to resist. I can certainly understand women who have suffered real abuse or who don’t feel safe emotionally or physically with giving their husband that much power over them being unable to find any enjoyment in it, and in those cases it would be wrong and harmful to do it.
But, why do you want to exert that much power and control over someone? That doesn’t seem loving to me. Why is submission to such extremes a turn on? It seems enslaving and dehumanizing to me. Or is it just a beautiful compliment to man willing to give his life for his bride?
If your wife gives of herself that way to you, then good for you! I am not trying to be argumentative. I just don’t understand why someone would want to see such authoritarian dictatorship controlling enslaving power over someone they are supposed to love so much they extend them freedom.
It’s not as if sex itself in its very nature isn’t an expression of good submission, trust, vulnerability. Why push what is good and godly into an edgy, self centered ego trip that could potentially harm someone? Just because they come out of it orgasmic and smiling doesn’t make it right, good, healthy or edifying.
I just don’t get why so many men seek to dangle their wives on the precipice of dehumanization and pain and humiliation just to prove they won’t drop them?
To me it is more loving to keep her from that.
It has nothing to do with pain (for most anyway). That’s a turn off, if they’re not having fun… what’s the point. It’s not about dehumanizing either. For most, you’re not doing anything to your spouse that they don’t want done to them (and if they say stop… you stop). For me, it’s about sensory enhancement. Close your eyes, you hear more things, plug your ears, you see things quicker. Restrain your hands and or legs, the sense of touch for the rest of your body goes through the roof (as does anticipation). The sense of vulnerability and trust makes it even better. To make all the decisions… or to make none of the decisions… it’s just fun.
I think you are coming at this from a perspective of the woman being forced or pressured into doing it, and that isn’t what I’m talking about at all. I think you may have trouble relating to this, but please try to picture a case where the woman wants to submit to her man to that degree and is perfectly willing and happy to trust him with her body to the point where she can let go of control and still feel safe, protected, and honored. It is a choice to think of it as dehumanizing and degrading, or as erotic and passionate, same as some women view oral sex as degrading and some love doing it and feel empowered from it. What I want want is for my wife to love me, trust me, give herself to me, all to the same degree that I do and would do for her. I would never deliberately cause her pain, or do something that would leave her feeling degraded or humiliated. Just because you feel it would leave you feeling that way doesn’t mean others would feel the same.
Mostly it’s the woman (or sometimes the man) that asks for this. I can understand it in a way if it is underpinned by love. If it is not then there is something wrong of course.
Your husband wants to be the one bound my dear. This is the second most desired fantasy men would like to indulge in. I don’t think you have to bring the fear factor in. Fright shouldn’t be part of the recipe in my opinion. The only aggression your husband probably wants is to be stripped or to be told to strip for you while you extend your index finger and raise your thumb while repeating “All the way, or else”. He wants you to seduce him physically and learn his responses while you’re having fun with the study and experiment. Hope you have fun.
It is hard to imagine what is in the minds of those engaged with bondage. It may look like violence but if it is what the other wants I don’t see the problem. Of course real punishment should never enter into it. Spanking also can look violent but some get such a sense of intimacy from it. In the end analysis the marriage is between the husband and the wife who have to work out what’s allowed and what’s not. My wife has ruled out oral sex and I submit to that. She is far more comfortable with spanking though but that is a private thing between her and me in the end.
libl Your responses voice some of my thoughts on this subject. You make some other valid points and ask some questions that deserve honest consideration.
When I first saw something written about bondage on another blog, I asked why one spouse would give the other an opportunity to hurt or kill them with no way of defending themselves. One response was that while bound, one might be able to enjoy something that in their mind is taboo, because they are not in control of the situation. There are a couple other posts on this blog about bondage, and I remember reading that one of the draws can be to have no responsibility for awhile. Crazy as that may sound, it appealed to me somewhat. Yet I don’t know that I can be comfortable NOT taking responsibility for my own welfare. There are also safety precautions–one must be able to free the bound partner quickly in case of an emergency. AND the bound person must be able to free themselves in case the other passes out or something like that. AND there must be a safe word, which means the one bound has not really given up control.
So I agree there seems to be something unhealthy about needing to pretend we are controlling, or being controlled by, another in this way. If I need to let my husband tie me up to prove I trust him, then we need to see a professional to work out our problems. Likewise if he needs to exert that kind of power over me to feel trusted or masculine.
Geez, if somebody is worried their spouse might kill them if they are tied up what the heck are they doing living in the same house with them? And just because a couple enjoys bondage and finds it enhances feelings of trust, empowerment etc. doesn’t mean that they are dependent on it to feel trusted etc.
Thank you dude. I mean seriously lmao. People are so up tight. It’s not about needing power or whatever. It’s about giving and like it or not most men were made to be alpha, masculine, grab you by the hair and slap your pretty butt kind of guys. Any pain for pleasure I’ve caused was with the intent of freeing that persons mind. And because usually they asked for it. Trust is a big thing too. I would counter argue your statement that if you can’t trust your husband enough to tie you up then you probably shouldn’t be married to him …
I think that’s going a bit far. Just because a couple doesn’t have enough trust build up to attempt something like this (if they desired), doesn’t mean they shouldn’t be married. Just means they have some areas to work on.
I’ll give you that one J lol.
I’ve been thinking over my initial reaction when I first heard of bondage: “why would anyone give their spouse the opportunity to hurt or kill them with no way of defending themselves.” I think this may have been less about not trusting my spouse and more about feeling that this is a very irresponsible act. I am responsible for taking care of myself so that I can care for others. I am not good at letting others care for me. And my trust issues aren’t specifically with my husband; as already indicated, they are more about me than about him. My claustrophobia probably plays a part in my initial reaction too.
In a nutshell, giving my husband control over my body seems incongruous with feeling safe, respected, and honored.
Doesn’t being a passenger in a car put one in the same sort of position when it comes to putting your safety in the hands of another?
Yes. That’s why I always drive. I’m a terrified passenger.
Now, honor bondage does seem like something that would help me with my mental problems with being tied up. I think one place I’m stuck with bondage, is I have a hard time understanding how being tied up in any way adds to the excitement. I also think I would have a hard time coming up with the role play that needs to take place. I suck at winging it in the bedroom like that. It would be so helpful in role play type of games that I have inductions.You know like, dominant says ______. Then dominant does_____. Or submissive says_____ or dominant does_____. I know that would take away from the excitement for some, but with role play, I suck at it.
There are a few ways I think it ads to the encounter. First is the excitement, which I think is a function of a dopamine response due to being in a compromising position. We tend to have a dopamine rush when in risky situations, and being tied up can be considered a “risky” situation, even when it’s with your spouse whom you trust. Your brain still can release the same hormone. So, that makes it more exciting.
Then there is the building of trust that comes from being vulnerable and intimate with your spouse. This happens during sex anyways, but bondage ads another layer of vulnerability to it, and that can add to the intimacy.
Lastly many spouses say they like not having to make decisions. They get to take a break from being responsible. For kids, for their business, for themselves even. Everything is placed on the shoulders of the dominant spouses during that time. This can be very freeing, particularly for wives it seems (at least, they have been the most vocal about sharing this).
As for role playing and bondage…we haven’t actually done that so I can’t comment much. For us, there’s no “scene” or scenario, no script. It is just another activity. Just as there’s no “scene” to be played out for switching positions, and no script for using a toy, there is no set plan or anything for including bondage.
Bondage, spanking, hair pulling, pain leading to pleasure…mmmhhhh. That’s my stuff. I’m a true dominate and love bdsm. I’ve even gone as far as using canes or spanking with a belt. Let’s clear one thing up. It’s not abuse. It’s desired. Some women like pain. Being tied up frees the mind to let go of anything and everything. I would recommend any of this stuff to any couple with the advice that the dominate but have self control and realize the pain inflicted is actually about the submissive’s pleasure and emotion and physical state. No must mean no. But if you know your partner and know their limits sometimes you have to be the one to take the step farther. Proceed with caution and have fun 🙂
A few husbands can like this as well but I wouldn’t go so far as canes or belts. That seems like punishment to me not the fun thing it should be.
Great post. I actually think that honor bondage can be more intimate and submissive then when you’re using physical restraints.
HMMMM bondage is great! However I would never cause my spouse pain and yep there is trust there. The reason why bondage gets a bad name is because foolish people have framed it in a situation of violence or to scare ( usually women) Dominance in most societies is abusive as many have failed to understand what being dominant means!
If my husband is tied up, I am responsible for his pleasure, the requirement is to step up to meet his needs. Not ohhhh how can I cause him pain so he is scared of getting into bed with me. That’s just NOT smart!