Yesterday I wrote that one of the myths we buy into is that sex has to be erotic all the time. I think it’s true that sex won’t be erotic every time.
Sometimes, like with “maintenance sex” as I called it, sex isn’t that … sexy. It’s more for a release of pressure, or to reconnect. At other times it can be comforting instead of erotic.
But, I think sometimes it needs to be erotic. Is sex is never erotic, then chances are you’re just going through the motions in your marriage bed. Sex becomes a routine of “we’ll do option 1 for foreplay because that gets him erect, then option 2 because that gets her wet, then we’ll have sex in position 1 because that gives her an orgasm and finally finish in position 2 because that’s what gets him to orgasm fastest.”
It can become just a going through the motions to achieve an efficient goal so that you can get the most sleep. Not terribly erotic, is it?
And that’s okay, some of the time. But, sometimes it needs to be erotic.
1. Marriages need erotic sex
When you first started having sex it was exciting every time. Everything was erotic because everything was new, and just so … naked.
You know what I mean.
Every square inch was something new to be explored, every new sensation was riveting and fresh. Every sound, every taste, it was all exciting and highly erotic.
But, after you’ve been married for a while, “just sex” is often no longer erotic. You’ve tasted all the tastes, you felt all the skin, you’ve kissed every inch of each other’s bodies. And this is where the rising social construct of our world pipes up and says “see, this is why monogamy doesn’t make sense because monogamous marriage is mundane and boring”.
2. The world wants us to believe erotic sex isn’t sustainable in marriage
And, as with all of Satan’s deceptions, there is a grain of truth in the lie to make it hook into your brain. In this case, the grain of truth, I believe, is “marriages need erotic sex in order to thrive”, the lie, of course, then is that marriages will axiomatically kill the concept of erotic sex.
As someone mentioned in the comments on yesterday’s post, movies rarely show married sex anymore, except as some sort of boring, routine that needs to be escaped. Often it’s done to showcase why an affair is about the happen or is happening. The message is clear: Marriage kills erotic sex and a lack of erotic sex kills marriages. In short, we’re being sold the lie that happy marriages are unsustainable.
And if sex is simply a physical experience, then it’s true. Is sex is just the mechanics and the sensations, then yes, chances are, the eroticism of sex is probably going to fizzle. Unsurprisingly, this is another lie that the world has been trying to shove down our throats: that sex is only physical. There doesn’t need to be an emotional component or a spiritual one. That it’s just something that feels good. These two lies go together to undercut marriage as a sustainable relationship.
3. Married sex is about more than just the physical
But, I believe there’s more to sex than just the physical. I think there are depths beyond just what feels good. In fact, the longer I am married, the more I realize that attitude is far more erotic than the physical aspect of sex. In fact, the physical aspect is minuscule compared to the rest. Don’t get me wrong, the physical is important, just not in the way we’re told from our culture.
The physical is really just the method, or the medium, as it were, of the rest of it. It’s as if the world is obsessed with how to make the canvas better, all the while denying there is a masterpiece painting on top of it.
And what makes it erotic? It’s that generous spirit, the attitude of giving, of exploring each other, of being vulnerable and intimate. Those things will never get old, stale, or routine, because there are always further depths to explore, no surfaces to “taste”, new thoughts to uncover and obstacles to overcome.
Married sex has the capacity to be far more erotic than any other type because while we’re only having sex with one other individual, the depth of eroticism is infinite.