BDSM Survey Results

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During July and a bit of August, we ran a survey about people’s BDSM experiences. Depending on who you ask, it was either extensive or just dipping our toes into the topic. In the end, we received over 1,000 complete responses from a wide range of couples, some for whom BDSM is part of their daily life, others who were engaging in BDSM activities didn’t think what they were doing qualified, others who wished they were doing such things but didn’t know how to start, and those who thought it was disgusting that I even considered asking questions about such a topic.

Note: If you’re in the “how do we start?” group – don’t miss the end of the post.

For the last three weeks, I’ve spent evenings and weekends digging through the data, coding it, doing pivot tables, building charts, running correlation formulas, and more, trying to get what I can out of it. It’s aptly called data mining because often it feels like sifting through a lot of rocks and dirt just to try and find a nugget of something valuable contained.

Today, I’m going to share what I found.  Not all of it because most people won’t be interested in reading the literal dozens of pages of data analysis and comments I’ve shared in the forum.  If you are interested, you must become a supporter to get access.  Instead, here, I’ll share the distilled information.  

But first,

Why do we do this?

I think what people seem to want most out of the surveys are two things:

1. Am I normal?  

Everyone wants to know they’re not weird.  They want to know that whether they spend their Friday nights breaking out cuffs, collars and rope or just having some good old vanilla sex, they’re not the only ones.  And the truth is, there are people on both sides of the spectrum – more than you’d think.  

In this survey, I think people also want to know, “Is it okay that we’re doing these things”?

2. What else is there? 

I think it’s part of our nature to want to grow, expand and experience all there is to offer.  Sex is not something that’s easily talked about or discussed in Christian circles, and while porn is nearly as ubiquitous inside of churches as outside (unfortunately), it’s not a good source to learn things from.  Surveys like this give couples ideas or a jumping point for discussing what they might want to try next, soon, someday, or maybe.

Marriages grow, or they stagnate.  I’m not saying you have to do anything in this survey or even that something sexual is the next thing you should try, but if your marriage isn’t experiencing anything new ever – that’s likely either causing or indicating a problem.  That includes in the bedroom.

And I know some of you are reading this and thinking, “There’s no way my spouse would even talk about this,” and maybe not. Or maybe just not yet.  I know I’m constantly amazed at how far our marriage has progressed, considering its rough start.  Don’t give up hope.  But also don’t just assume it will happen on its own.  Get help if you’re stuck.

Now, with that out of the way,

What is BDSM?

When people think of BDSM, they often think of leather suits, masks, chains, whips, pain, humiliation and more.  However, BDSM is a very wide umbrella that covers a lot more widely utilized behaviours, dynamics and activities than it seems a lot of people think.  Comments like this were pretty common:

Just came natural for him to restrain me lightly with his hands. I really don’t feel like that fits in this category of BDSM though. – From a wife who gets turned on by being pinned down and blindfolded.

and

The idea of BDSM gets in the way of intimacy. – From a couple that engages in D/s and uses handcuffs.

Now, they may not consider these “BDSM,” but they are.  BDSM is an overlapping acronym that stands for:

Bondage and discipline – so, any sort of retraining, pinning, holding, cuffs, blindfolds, being told not to move, or even just pretending to be tied up (how many wives reach up and grab the bedsheets or headboard as if they were cuffed?).  Also, any time you’ve said, “Oh, you’re being naughty, so I’m going to do x to you – that’s discipline.  Excuses for spankings – same thing.

Dominance and submission – any delineation of sort of imbalance that you’re playing with.  Wives – how many of you have said, “What are you going to do to me tonight?” That’s D/s – you’re initiating a power dynamic.  If you’re using cuffs, rope, or blindfolds – there’s almost always an element of D/s play to this.  Playful invitations of “well, I did x for you, so now you owe me y” – can be considered D/s play because there’s now an imbalance between you two.

Sadism and Masochism – Hairpulling, light spanks, hard thrusting that “hurts in a good way,” nipple pinching that has that mix of pain and pleasure – these all fall within this pairing.  It’s using sensations that would typically be considered negative to heighten pleasure.  

As you can see, it’s a pretty broad umbrella term that covers many of the topics we discuss on the blog and podcast.  

Of course, all of these can become more extreme as well.  Bondage and discipline also include being tied down and caned.  Dominance and submission include master and slave relationships.  Sadism and Masochism can extend into being aroused by causing someone pain and being aroused by being tortured.  But those are extremes, and we can’t define the entire category by the extremes.

Also, BDSM is like a buffet – not a preset meal.  You can use blindfolds and never touch any of the rest of the stuff.  You’re still engaging in BDSM play.

BDSM is a type of play

I wanted to touch on this, too.  I saw a lot of comments like these:

Only in a playful way

Since little had interest in play spankings. Never an interest in real spankings

No – Unless you count the playful pat on the butt

It’s more playful spanking than erotic spanking.

I’m interested in the play part, but not the serious pain part. 

It’s all play.  Whether it’s erotic, painful, or even serious – it’s still play. The entire point is that both spouses want to engage in it and are enjoying themselves. A large constant in any BDSM resource is that they focus on consent.  If you aren’t both consenting (which should mean you both want to engage in it, and it’s not coerced), then it’s just play.

If you’re not enjoying it, then I think that’s an issue.  That worries me a bit because about 1.5% of husbands and 3% of wives who answered our survey said that they were engaging in these activities begrudgingly.  If you don’t want to do something – then don’t.  Sex shouldn’t be coerced.  

Now, you may have various reasons for wanting to.  For example, I asked in the survey if you enjoyed an activity but also if it turned you on.  Why? Because arousal non-concordance is a thing.  Some things can turn you on that you maybe aren’t too interested in.  Other things you think are fun but don’t turn you on.  

Now, should you engage in things that turn you on physically but you are uncomfortable with mentally – I’m not addressing that at this time because that’s a complex topic.  But the point is, it’s understandable that some people might say, “I’m not a big fan of that, but man, does it get me aroused,” so they may choose to do something they wouldn’t consider something they like.

Maybe you do something because you know your spouse loves it and you like seeing them enjoy it.   Maybe you two trade off, and you do things for them that you don’t get much out of, but then they do things for you that they don’t get much out of.

Whatever the situation – those aren’t begrudgingly given.  They are mindfully chosen, even if it doesn’t line up with your preferences.  

Begrudgingly doing anything is problematic – it makes you resent the person you’re doing it for.

After that public service announcement, let’s get on to some stats.

Basic demographics and setup questions

In total, 1,151 people completed the survey: 356 women and 786 men, giving us a bit less than a 1:2 ratio of men to women. It is not the best we’ve done in terms of balance, but it is not the worst. Ladies, I’d like to hear more female voices in future surveys.

The vast majority of respondents were on their first marriage (86.3%), with another 8.7% that had been married and either were on their 2nd (8.3%), 3rd (1.3%) or 4th (0.5%) marriage.  0.5% were divorced and not remarried, 0.2% were widowed/widowers and 0.1% were separated.  And finally, 1.2% were single, with another 0.4% being engaged.

On average, people said they had sex about 1.9x per week. This interests me because it was closer to 2.5 per week when we started running surveys.  I’m wondering if this is a shift in the marriages or a shift in my audience.  Frankly, I’d like to expand to people who are having less sex because I think those are the marriages that need more help.

As for religion, well, it was overwhelmingly Protestant Christian, which makes sense because those are the people I’m likely to offend the least with my theology.

What I found surprising was the number of people that don’t know their protestant Christian. People selected “Other” and then said Baptist, Evangelical Christian, Bible believing Christian, Born again Christian, Methodist, Lutheran, Seventh Day Adventist, and more.  You are all Protestant Christians.  

Don’t worry, I fixed it for you.

Bondage Statistics

Have you or your spouse ever used anything to restrict your or their movement during sex?

Only 48% said no
13% said they have in the past but don’t now

39% said yes

That is well over either of our guesses.  Now, some of this is likely because my readers tend to be more comfortable with non-vanilla sex acts. I mean, let’s face it: if you aren’t scared off by the anonymous questions, then there’s a good chance you’re up for trying some different things yourself, which is why I would really like to get more spouses who do not read the blog or listen to the podcast to answer.

So, first off, I should point out that these are the types of restraints used by those who have engaged in some sort of bondage play.  So, cut the numbers by half to get an impression of the overall audience.

I was a little surprised at a few things here.  I thought pinning/holding and being told not to move would be higher than blindfolds and cuffs because it requires no gear.  

I’m also surprised that rope was so high. Cuffs are rather easy, but with rope, you need to know both knots and some human physiology to do it safely, as there is a higher risk of cutting off blood flow or causing nerve damage.

For those who were curious about “Other,” most of it was neckties, bathrobe belts, and the like—improvised restraints.

When asked how often people engage in bondage activities, the answer was, on average, every 3-4 weeks.

Who is getting tied up?

The wives say they are restrained 60% of the time they play with bondage. The husbands say they are restrained 27% of the time.

On being restrained

47% of women and 56% of men say they really enjoy being restrained by their spouse.
35% of women and 33% of men say they somewhat enjoy it.
14% of women and 9% of men say they are happy to do it because their spouse enjoys it.
3% of women and 2% of men say they are doing it begrudgingly.

All in all, 83% of wives and 89% of men who get restrained during sex have a positive experience.

79% of women and 91% of men said it turned them on to be restrained by their partner.

On restraining their partner

19% of women and 58% of men say they really enjoy restraining their partner
41% of women and 31% of men say they somewhat enjoy it
34% of women and 9% of men say they’re happy to do it for their spouse
6% of women and 1% of men say they do it begrudgingly

Definitely, more women prefer to be restrained than do the restraining.

52% of women and 91% of men say it turned them on to restrain their spouse.

If we just pull out those that “Really enjoy” restraints, here’s what we get:

The men seem to be equally happy either way.  

Equally enjoy doing the restraining! – Anonymous husband

But while the men seem to be happy either way, the wives definitely are not.  There is a definite preference, on average, to be restrained.  

It’s all about trust. If I didn’t trust my husband, I’d be terrified. I think the terror only turns to excitement knowing that he isn’t going to harm me, he still values my pleasure above his own, and that he is going to absolutely ravish me, delight in me, and have his way with me.

More than twice as many “really enjoy” being restrained rather than doing the restraining, and more than twice as many are willing (happily) to do it for their spouse rather than for their own enjoyment. Also, when the wife is doing the restraining, twice as many do it begrudgingly.

More women (79% vs 52%) also get turned on by restraining their spouse, whereas the men are an even 91% either way.

So, if 83% of wives and 89% of husbands who get restrained and 60% of wives and 89% of husbands who do the restraining enjoy it, why do people stop?

The biggest reason given is that 33% of the wives said they both lost interest, while 45% of the husbands said their wives lost interest. This is a pattern we’ve seen before in previous surveys—when the wife says, “I’m not interested in x,” there is generally a fairly large group of husbands who will say, “Oh, yeah, me neither,” even though he is. 

This is mirrored in the “I was no longer interested” stat—12% of wives just lost interest, but only 2% of husbands.  

Of course, there are some husbands who simply lose interest—and they’re probably not filling out this survey as a result. This is another reason why I wish I could get more responses from spouses who don’t read our blog or listen to our podcast.

Why haven’t half the people tried restraining during sex?

We see the same spike here: 30% of the wives say, “Neither of us are interested,” but only 18% of the husbands say the same. Instead, 25% of the husbands say, “I’m interested, but my wife isn’t,” compared to 4% of the wives who said they were interested, but their husband wasn’t.

One thing that’s sad is that 16% of women and 30% of men want to try it but don’t even know what their spouse thinks of it.  Most likely they wouldn’t know because they’re afraid to ask.  Maybe this can be a conversation starter.  You can just send it to them and say, “Hey, what do you think about this?”  If it goes badly, just blame me.

You can also check out Our Sexploration List, which can help start a lot of conversations about new things.

Dominance and Submission Statistics

Do you and your spouse engage in dominance and submission play?

73% said no
6% said they used to but don’t anymore
21% said yes

Of those who do, how often do you play with D/s?

On average, once a week.

What percentage of the time do you play the dominant role?

Women – 25%
Men – 71%

So, again, we see a large learn towards the men being in the more dominant position.

Do you enjoy being in the dominant role?

And again, men seem to enjoy being in the dominant role more than women, on average.  Again, we have a large number of wives (13%) who are begrudgingly in the dominant role compared to 1% of men.

Does it turn you on to be in the dominant role?

Again, it seems to turn the men on more to be in the dominant role than the wives, who lean more towards the “a little” and “neutral,” with some even finding it a turn-off.

Do you enjoy being in the submissive role?

Now, here we switch and see the opposite side of the dynamic: the majority of wives stating that they really enjoy being in the submissive role, but almost none do it for their spouse, and only 2% do so begrudgingly—which is still too high, but it’s much better than 13%.

Does it turn you on to be in the submissive role?

Men and women were pretty evenly matched here, and that makes sense to me because who doesn’t want to sit back, shut their brain off, and do as they are told by someone who loves them and is just going to make them feel good?  

However, being in the dominant position takes work.  And I don’t mean physical work, but rather the planning, the responsibility, the worrying about whether or not you’re going to build something amazing for both of you.  Some are built to enjoy that – they like the control, and either they like the responsibility, or it’s a decent tradeoff.  For others – that’s a job, and they do that all day, so why would they want to do it at night as well?

For them, letting go and letting someone else take on the responsibility and stress?  Well, that’s a vacation.

And I know, that’s an oversimplification – many find it hard to switch gears still, to just go with the flow, but if you can get into that headspace – most seem to enjoy it.

On top of that, for a lot of spouses who feel like they always have to drive the intimacy in the relationship, they’d give up that role in a heartbeat for a night if it meant they could feel that their spouse desired them enough to take on the role of being the dominant.  

But this one confused me.  This is the response to “Does it turn you on to be in the dominant role?” compared with how often they are in the dominant role.

So, why do people stop playing with D/s?

With this one, we run into a bit of a problem with the women answers – not many did.  It was a fairly small group that had actually stopped playing with D/s – under 5%, so we only ended up with 15 responses for why, which isn’t a lot to go on.

The most common reasons for the wives were lack of time, medical/health reasons, or both of them losing interest.  

I did find this comment interesting from a wife who answers, “My partner was no longer interested”:

I love the submissive role. It is such a turn on to me. My husband is not submissive but he’s not a very dominate person either, especially in the bedroom. He prefers for us to be on equal footing. So rather than push it, I’ve learned to love our intimate time together however he needs/prefers it. That in itself is submission.

Have you ever thought about dominance and submission play?

No husbands said, “I’m not interested, but my wife is”.  Then again, they’re likely out there – just not filling out our surveys on the topic.  I did see this comment, though:

My husband isn’t dominant so it doesn’t work 

Similar ones were sprinkled throughout the survey.  As well, some comments like this:

Questioning if we’re understanding what it means. My husband would love for me to be more dominant. 😀

I’m not really sure what it means other than restraints

Don’t really know what this means

There is definitely some confusion there about what I was asking.

There are also some people quite against this. Based on their comments, they have a very different view of Dominance and submission than I do and others who engage in this, and I wanted to take a second to answer them.

I don’t believe one partner should dominate another – to me it is a sign of disrespect.

How is it disrespectful to do something for your spouse that they desire?  Here’s a comment from a wife:

It’s very satisfying to let him be in charge. Again, because he is completely trustworthy, never tries to hurt or humiliate me, and all I have to do is speak if it’s painful or scary, and he will stop immediately.

And this from a husband:

It was nice when she was in control because then I didn’t have to be the one always doing things first. It also helped her to be more assertive about what she wanted and how she like things done with helped me learn her likes and dislikes better.

If they’re asking for it, they enjoy it, and it turns them on – how is it disrespectful?

We are both only children, both super confident, and we have a very non-heirarchical marriage. We like to promote each other’s freedom and autonomy.

Being only children and super confident doesn’t have any impact on this.  In fact, most would prefer a confident person in both roles.  If you’re not confident in the role of a submissive, then that leads to potential problems and miscommunication..  And lots of people play with D/s who believe in egalitarian marriages – it’s play.  Some switch, some don’t.  They just keep it in the bedroom.

I believe that as God designed the sexual relationship He employed His overarching design principles of truth, love, and freedom.  Dominance/submission, in my opinion, gives the wrong idea.

And Dominance and submission aren’t about taking away someone’s freedom. It’s about giving it up for someone else to cherish for a time.  It’s co-created and they build the dynamic together.  The submissive has as much power as the dominant – it’s just that they choose not to exercise it while playing with D/s – this is why there are safewords in some people’s dynamics.  

I see an equivalent when Jesus was on each and chose to be submissive to God the Father.  Could He have used His power?  Yes – but He chose to put Himself in a lower position.  In his case it was to be an example for us (not in terms of BDSM, but rather in terms of submission to God), but if he can do that as God, why can’t we as husbands and wives?

And I know someone is going to get upset at that metaphor, but it’s just an illustration of submission – the most powerful one I know – I’m not saying Jesus’ submission to God the Father tells us we should engage in BDSM.

We consider each other as equals so there is no power dynamic between us, therefore there’s no dom/sub concept to play act off of.

Everyone doing consensual D/s believes in equality between the people involved.  Then they choose to create an artificial imbalance for fun.  It’s not there beforehand – they build it together.  In fact, if you don’t feel you are equals (in terms of value – role can be different), then what you have is manipulation, not play.

We like to both be equals in intimacy; working towards the same goal.  It’s the only way true intimacy occurs for us.

And those who practice D/s would agree with this.  They both work towards the same goal – enjoyment and pleasure.  Then they create a dynamic where they can maximize that.  This is like saying you won’t engage in the missionary position because it doesn’t have you both as equals, one is above the other, so you only have sex side-by-side facing each other.  Now, the church had some radical ideas like this once upon a time, believing that the missionary position was the only “proper” position because it placed men above women, but that’s conflating a sexual position with hierarchy.  In this comment, they’re conflating a chosen role (by both sides) with value.  

Think of it more like playing Monopoly, and one person is the banker – does it make them the most valuable player? No.  Do they have more power?  Yes, they can take money from the bank – not for personal gain, but to promote better play for all the players.  More responsibility?  For sure – they have to make sure the bank is giving and receiving the correct amounts.  But every play is equal as a player.  They are all there for fun and enjoyment, and no one is being forced to be just a player by the banker.

I also found these comments from those who don’t engage in D/s play interesting:

I do in my head, but he would definitely stop the session if I vocalized how I am the one deciding when and if he comes. He’ll allow me to hold his arms above his head, but that’s about it. Therefore, we don’t really have a dominant/sub sex relationship

There’s always a bit of this when I’m tied up and he’s having his way with me, but we don’t take this very far and neither of us are into the bossing around / blindly obeying shtick. 

Not in terms of BDSM.  It is our roles in the bedroom.  I’m dominant my wife is submissive and it rarely ever deviates.  

D/s play vs sexual frequency

Women’s responses to sexual frequency are always higher – this is just a function of women tending to be the gatekeepers of sex in relationships more often than men. So, if they’re willing to come to a blog and fill out a survey on sex – that generally means they’re more open to sexual activities, and as a result, more marriages tend to have more sex.

The men are on the other side of that, and so the true average is likely somewhere in the middle. 

Nevertheless, what’s interesting is that those who engage in D/s play tend to have far more often than those who do not.  It’s not a hard and fast rule, of course, but on average, it holds up pretty well.  Even if you strip out the outliers (those who never have sex, and those who have sex multiple times a day), it still holds true.

And I’m not saying D/s is the cure to infrequent sex – though it can certainly be used in that manner if both spouses are interested – but there is a general trend that the more people are open to sexual expression, the more often they tend to have sex.  The more they are willing to explore and try new things, the better their sex life goes.  

To a point that is. Once they start opening their marriage up to more people, then things tend to go really bad pretty quickly, but if you stick with biblical principles in marriage (on between each other, only things used to build up, not tear down, and generally be loving), it works pretty well.

Conversely, those who tend to stick to a small repertoire tend to get bored, and then even that small repertoire tends to shrink and the frequency tends to drop along with it.

And that leads to maybe one of the coolest charts of this post that I just happened to look at while I was writing this up – it wasn’t in my original analysis.

Do you engage in D/s play vs Sexual Frequency by age range

I took out the extreme ranges (10-20 and 80-90) because there are some 18-year-olds and 80-year-olds apparently having sex multiple times a day, and it threw off the numbers due to their being so few of each.  So, this is the “core group” of the respondents with a more established dataset.

And we see a two clear trends here.  Those who don’t engage in D/s play slowly see their frequency drop over time.  This is the typical chart of frequency we see.  As you get older, sex just declines – right?

Apparently not for the D/s crowd.  I mean, it starts with a bang – no pun intended, but I decided to leave it in, then drops down to similar levels as the “no” crowd, but then it starts going up! And it keeps going up until they hit 60-70, at which point it drops – but it drops to a point higher than the 20-30-year-olds are having sex in the “no” crowd.

And that to me is astounding.  I never expencted to see such a marked difference. I expected a little bit, but this just – well, honestly, the numbers geek in me is super excited about this..  

It made me curious, though – do they continue to enjoy it as they age?  Is one spouse taking advantage of the other?  Does their enjoyment of it wane, but they’ve been doing it so long they just go along with it?

So, I thought – let’s look at the wives.  They tend to be more often in the submissive role.  Physically, they’re easier to overpower than the other way around.  And let’s narrow it down to those who are in the submissive role 75% of the time or more when they play with D/s.  How do they rate being in the submissive role?  I mean, I would not be surprised at all if enjoyment waned over time.

And there is a slight dip during the “my kids are teenagers” years, but then it goes up again afterwards. Does it still turn them on?

Again, a dip during the years when your kids are old enough to start asking awkward questions, but they’re still enjoying it.

So, I thought that was all very interesting.

Pain & discomfort play

Now we get into the section that made people really uncomfortable based on the comments.

Do you engage in any play that intentionally causes pain or discomfort?

Now, right off the bat, some of the men got aggressive:

In this great controversy that we are all involved in pain is often something out of the devil’s toolbox.  I find it best for me to stay sway from methods that he would use.

This seems degrading and sick.

And then it got more aggressive in subsequent questions:

Again, this seems disordered and sick.  I would actually be uncomfortable being around someone who enjoyed such acts as it is foreign to authentic love.  Sure, there are things that can be endured for a greater good (like setting a broken bone) but to deliberately set out to do this is messed up.

Pain to me is not pleasure.pain is pain. Pleasure is Pleasure. Sex is fun. Life is life. Football is life. Your devent if sex PAIN is pleasure. Makes no sense. But people are people. And I except devents are with us.

Interestingly enough – it’s only the men who said such things.  The women were simply either interested, or not interested – but didn’t share any judgement about others who were.

What I did get from the women is a lot of cognitive dissonance.  For example, they would answer “no” to engaging in any play that caused pain or discomfort, but then comment things like:

I assume you don’t mean borderline pain that “hurts so good”. We’d never think of it as intentionally causing pain, but I seem to enjoy intense nipple play that just borders on pain.

I’d say no but i do enjoy an occasional spank and/or hair pull

Some part of restraint play (for us) will cause discomfort. But it’s a side effect, not the purpose. We have no problem with discomfort not pain is not something we play with.

And in the question, I didn’t say anything about it being the purpose or the primary intention – only that you did it, knowing that it would cause pain or discomfort.  And other wives seem to have understood this:

Light pain/discomfort

Mild spankings, love bites, and light hair pulling and throat holds – nothing really painful

Occasional nibble/gently biting, slap on the butt, or gently digging nails into his back (emphasis on the gently) 

slight discomfort no pain

We have played a little with spanking and it has been kind of fun. 

All that to say that there definitely are some “no”s that I would have categorized as “yes”es.

What kinds of things do those who engage in this sort of play do?

How often do you play with pain and discomfort?

The wives said 45% of the time.
The men said 24% of the time.

Now, this makes me wonder if there’s a communication gap here.  There is, after all, a stereotype of there of men being brutish, uncaring, aggressive, etc..  I wonder if it’s simply that they don’t realize.  I mean, if men are literally only realizing half the time that something is uncomfortable for their partner – well, that might explain some things.

Of course, the responsibility likely falls on both sides—men can learn to be more attentive (I know I’m working on this), and women can speak up more.

Of those who play with this, how often are you the performer of these acts?

The wives said they are 26% of the time.
The men said they are 65% of the time.

However, it’s not evenly distributed:

Nearly half of the wives are in the recipient roll 100% of the time.  Another 27% or so are the recipient most of the time.  Nearly 10% are even switches (50/50) in this activity, and only 17% take on the performer role the majority of the time.

Then men are a little more evenly distributed.  We have a large group (27%) who take on the performer role 100% of the time. Another 35% do so more than half the time.  11% are even switches, and 16% prefer to be the recipient 100% of the time.

Do you enjoy being the performer?

On average, the men definitely like being in charge of these activities more than the women do.  More men say they enjoy it a lot, and more women say they begrudgingly do it for their spouse than the men do.

I did find this comment from a wife funny:

More as a playful thing, not sexual when i do it. It’s really more so to hint to him that he should do it back.

Does it turn you on to be the performer?

Here, we see an even bigger divergence between the genders.  On average, the men find this much more arousing than the wives.

Do you enjoy being the receiver of this type of play?

While there is a large divergence between the genders on enjoying and being turned on by performing these activities, on the receiving end, it’s pretty uniform.  Both enjoyment (above) and arousal (below).

I found this quite fascinating. I don’t even know how to articulate what I’m seeing or what it means, but the divergence in performing and yet convergence in receiving just strikes me as interesting.

What changed that made impact and pain play stop?

Only the men said “lack of time,” but what I do like about this is that the wives’ “I was no longer interested” nearly matches the husbands’ “My partner was no longer interested.” That’s just statistically nice to see.

Have you ever thought about impact and pain play?

In reality, no. In fantasies, yes – Wife who answered “I’ve never considered it”

General BDSM Questions

Whose idea was it to try BDSM?

So, the men tend to bring it up more.  This isn’t surprising at all to me:

SWM 135 – It’s good to try new things

SWM 101 – Why does my spouse always push for more during sex?

He’s always trying new things and wants me to enjoy sex more which has been difficult for me but I’m grateful that he’s put in the work as I enjoy sex more now than I used to. 

My spouse did it to me and I found that I would climax most of the time that he slapped my butt and pulled my hair

But it’s not always the men:

After your emails/ podcast etc my wife now comes to bed ready for anything if I take the lead

My wife was very hesitant at first but occasionally she wants something different in order to be fulfilled sexually. Once we had the conversation, she’s been more free to express when she would like it.

What made you first think of trying BDSM?

Nothing terribly interesting here – until you compare it to sexual frequency:

Then, it seems that learning about sex through a blog or podcast seems to be far better than other methods.

What is people’s general experience of BDSM activities?

Some have negative experiences (under 5%), but the majority (54%) have positive ones, and another 40% have neutral experiences. 

It has strengthen our trust in each other and whole acceptance of the other person 

It requires us to have lots of trust in each other, to be extremely open/vulnerable, and talk a whole lot about things that often are really hard to do.

My husband loves that he can please me so much. He thinks it’s super hot to turn me on so much, even though he does not have the kink. I feel so loved and wanted. It allows me to completely relax and surrender.

My wife often has trouble focusing during sex, but if she’s blindfolded and restrained, she can focus fully and really enjoys not being responsible for anything that happens.

Has BDSM improved your communication?

For some, it has, and for others it hasn’t.  There is a strong correlation between communication and whether they had a positive or negative experience.  Generally, those match.  So, if you had a negative experience, then you likely didn’t feel it improved communication, but if you had a positive experience, then you generally feel like it has improved communication as well.

A thousand times YES!!!!!!!

Has forced us to talk about what we like and don’t like.  Including are deepest secrets, this helps make it easier to talk about anything else that comes up in our lives

Yes because we are forced to be incredibly communicative. It has also deepened our trust. 

Others felt that it was unclear if BDSM helped communication or if it was the other way around:

It is a chicken and egg kind of question.  Our BDSM has improved because our communication has improved.  Our communication has improved because seeking extraordinary sexual experiences takes more communication.  When we decided to test out D/s, one of my first thoughts was “I’m going to get to do all the things I’ve ever wanted to do because she will let me take anything from her.”  But the desire to love her in her submission was begging to understand what would bring out her beauty and satisfaction.  That drove us deeper into communication about what her submission meant.  Your Sexploration list helped us go deep in our communication about sexual acts and we discovered our lists were closer together than I expected.  I can’t imagine BDSM without strong communication.  As the spontaneous lover in our marriage, the chance to expand beyond vanilla sexual experiences has been a catalyst to find better ways of communicating.  I think our marriage is at its strongest point ever because of the interdependency that BDSM has brought to our relationship.  There is something about getting out of your collective comfort zone that opens new paths of understanding one another.  

And that’s generally true in marriage—it’s a holistic relationship. Communication builds trust, and trust builds communication. Both of them help with connection, which in turn helps with both. Sex is right there in the mix, being improved by and improving all the rest.

Do you ever feel conflicted about your BDSM activities?

People had lots of reasons—literally over 100 comments. There are lots of good and valid reasons to be conflicted about it. There are definitely lines that shouldn’t be crossed, and people sometimes wonder where that line is. Have they gone over it? Is it still ahead, or am I on it?

And that’s another topic that we’re not going to tackle here today, but if you’d like to, don’t miss the end of the post.

Do you have a safe word?

This was just a question I threw in because I was curious about how formal people were with their BDSM practices.  One thing interesting to note is that those who have a safeword seem to have sex 20% as often as those who don’t, but still engage in BDSM activities.

Do you use a safeword system?

And I asked about advice for those who wanted to start, but again, there are so many comments (150 of them), that I think that’s better left for another time as well.

One other thing that just made me laugh before we wrap up.  This is people’s satisfaction with the survey vs their sexual frequency (times per week) in their marriage.

The better your sex life, the more you like the survey.  Unfortunately, that means you’re just happy you’re having sex, and it has nothing to do with the survey.  But 1,000 people filled it out, so it can’t be that bad, right?  Then again, some who filled it out thought it was disgusting, so who knows?

Survey is on a disgusting topic.  I thought you guys were outstanding Christians.  I am not sure that jc is into that stuff.

Summary

Look, these are controversial topics.  We, as Christians, have a long and very complicated relationship with sex.  Let’s face it, Christianity has a long and complicated history with everything.  We tend, as a group, not to know when we’re being righteous or self-righteous.  And sex is particularly difficult because we tend to look to Jesus as an example, and He didn’t have sex – He wasn’t even conceived by sex.

So, we use biblical principles as best as we can.  But that is also complicated because each individual has their own experiences.

For every comment that says something like

I believe that as God designed the sexual relationship He employed His overarching design principles of truth, love, and freedom. Restraint implies the limiting of freedom. It also implies force which as I understand is a tool of the devil, not God.

There is another to balance it like this:

It’s all about trust. If I didn’t trust my husband, I’d be terrified. I think the terror only turns to excitement knowing that he isn’t going to harm me, he still values my pleasure above his own, and that he is going to absolutely ravish me, delight in me, and have his way with me.

And it’s going to depend on the person.  Some feel being tied up is restrictive:

I believe that as God designed the sexual relationship He employed His overarching design principles of truth, love, and freedom.  Restraint implies the limiting of freedom.  It also implies force which as I understand is a tool of the devil, not God.

Others find it freeing:

I sure miss being tied to the bed and being restricted to only receiving. It’s freeing.  

Others find freedom is what lets them explore:

If anything we try ever makes us feel bad, we would not do it. We feel much freedom in our marriage bed and are willing to try most anything as long as it only involves the two of us.

I guess my point is – to live by your own convictions because there isn’t a clear-cut directive either way in the Bible.  While some of those against BDSM make comments about it being unloving, sick, deviant, etc, many of those who are engaging in it find it loving, liberating and builds up their marriage.

Do I think it can be done wrong?  Absolutely.  As with everything else, we should seek to do things lovingly, and I think what’s often misunderstood about these types of activities is that people think it’s unloving, that the one in the dominant role is being selfish and setting aside the needs and wants of the one in the submissive role.  

I hope you’ve seen in this survey that often, it’s the other way around – that they are doing it because it meets the desires, needs and wants of their spouse.

If you want a safe space to learn

Christina and I have been talking about the results.  She hasn’t read everything because, well, it’s a lot.  I’ve been sharing bits and pieces I think are interesting.  But one thing that’s come up a lot is that many people wish there were a safe place to learn more.

Unfortunately there doesn’t seem to be a lot of Christian resources out there for safely exploring BDSM and all that it may entail. I have personally joined secular groups, and websites but that could lead people down roads towards pornography, or being exposed to things that they do not agree with regarding living a Christian Life

We have not found any Christian resources for this. 

Trying to find Christians or anyone to talk to about this matter is looking for the proverbial needle in a haystack. While we feel this dynamic is biblical it is so misunderstood in the church.

And then lastly this:

If you receive survey results that show strong curiosity or involvement in BDSM, I hope you will consider a deeper dive into the topic with a follow on survey.

I thought maybe I could do better than that.  What if there was a space where it could be discussed openly and honestly within a Christian context?  A space that was moderated, private enough to keep the trolls out, but public enough that you couldn’t start any inappropriate hidden conversations – all discussions would have to be in the open.

And I know, this is for a subset of the population – not everyone is interested in this, and some are quite uncomfortable with it – some for very good reasons.  So, I don’t want to make it a section of the blog.  I also don’t have the time to start a whole new website.

So, my thought is to create a new section of our supporter forum for discussions along these lines.  It’s purpose will be discussion and education – not entertainment, just like the rest of what I do.  I can’t control how everyone receives it, but I can control it’s intent at least.  

You’d be anonymous, except for to me, which is the same for every account you create in my systems.  If you don’t trust me with that information, well, then you shouldn’t ever browse my site again, don’t sign up for the newsletter or purchase anything from our shop.

But to everyone else, you’d be anonymous.  The cost would be low – right now, we have it set at a minimum of $1/month, which, honestly, we get about half of after transaction fees.  After the cost of hosting the forum, frankly, you’re being subsidized by others who opt to donate more.  The point isn’t to get rich; it’s to keep out the trolls.  People act a lot nicer when you have their billing address.

So, if you have an interest in being part of a community trying to figure out, if, and if so, how, Christianity and BDSM intersect, then click here (we’ve already got 55 people interested at the time of this writing). If you aren’t interested – don’t click the link.  If you’re not sure – click it, it’s not an obligation, just a measure of interest and a way for me to contact you with more details if there’s enough interest.

And those are the survey results.  If you’re curious about anything I said, want clarification, want me to dig into correlations, want to chastise me for even discussing this, or literally anything else – please, comment below.  I miss the era when we had more comments and more discussion. It makes it feel more like a community. I also think it’s what the world needs more of – discussion between all sides, not just large echo chambers. If you just liked the post – feel free to comment that. It makes me feel like I haven’t wasted these great many hours I’ve spent producing this. You can post anonymously, and no one sees the email address except me. And if you don’t want to comment – well, thanks for actually reading it all. If you didn’t just skip to the bottom, that is.

Thanks to all who shared their data and made this possible. Hopefully we can get even more of you to participate next time. If you want to know about the next survey, be sure to subscribe to the mailing list.