SWM035 – Anonymous Questions from December 2018

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It’s been a busy couple of months for our Have A Question page, so I thought I’d get some of these answers out so they don’t pile up too much.  If you have a question you’d like answered anonymously, you can ask it there, or contact me here so we can actually get a discussion going and some more context.

And as always, our supporters group has been discussing these questions as they come in, so I’m leveraging some of their thoughts.  If you’d like to be part of the discussion, check out our Patreon page.

Question 1 – ED due to medical problems

What if your husband has medical problems and cannot get an erection?

So, not a lot of context here.  We don’t know what the medical problem is.  We don’t know what she’s asking permission for.  So, it’s hard to give an answer that will address the actual question.

Nevertheless, I have some thoughts:

1. Depending on the medical condition, talk to your doctor about the ED.  Sometimes you can change medications or treatments in order to reduce sexual side-effects.
2. You can have a wonderful, fulfilling sex-life without an erection.  It takes a bit more openness, and some adaptability, but there are many other options.  Mutual masturbation is a good starter, because you can actually have an orgasm without an erection, or less of an erection than you need for sex.
3. Whatever you do, I’d work at finding activities that boost intimacy between the two of you.

That’s about all I can offer given the limited question.

Question 2 – Husband in erotic chatrooms

I’m deeply hurt and don’t know what to do. My husband and I have only been married for 8 months. We dated for 3 years and have been best friends for around 15 years. I’ve uncovered an ugly secret of his and I feel as if the man I thought I knew, doesn’t even exist.

Four months ago he started acting different when it came to sex. He only wanted to have sex at night with me and even though I told him that I would like to during the day time, or in the morning once in a while, he never initiated anything. So, I started coming on to him several different times randomly in the day and morning and every single time he turned me down with some kind of excuse. Then he starts having trouble keeping an erection when were having sex (at night). Now he has no problem finishing when I’m giving him a hand-job or blow-job. It’s only vaginally that he finishes 1 out of 4 times. He says he doesn’t know what’s going on and says he’ll see the doctor in January when his insurance kicks in. I asked him if he has been masturbating a lot lately or watching a lot of porn and he got extremely defensive and angry that I would even ask that because, “He doesn’t do that!” He says he used to but not anymore.

First let me tell you that I know he loves me without a doubt. Besides this issue along with the continuous lying, he treats me better than I could ask for. But this issue has become a really big problem for me. I started thinking I was hearing him whispering to himself when he was in the bathroom for a long time and then he would come out of the bathroom out of breath, which he still does. And, I’ll be getting ready for work and I swear I hear him on the other side of the wall laying in bed whispering, [redacted sexual commands], etc. So, I decided to buy a digital recorder and leave it in the bedroom while I was at work and I heard exactly what I thought I would. My husband masturbating for hours, I’m assuming with either porn, or chatrooms or something. I was crushed… I still am. The recordings weren’t the best quality but I did play it for him and again he was very angry and gave some BS excuse that it wasn’t him. We fought for a few days and I finally started talking again and I hoped that he would realize how much pain this has causing me and stop doing it. Things didn’t get better in that department and then I had this gut instinct that he was continuing to do this and I was right, he was and is.

I just don’t understand how he could continue to lie to my face and be pretty damn believable and see the pain in my eyes and seeing me depressed and crying and still continue to do it like I’m not going to figure it out. The worst part is that I’m being replaced by his hand and a fantasy on his phone. He literally has turned me down because “he isn’t feeling good” and then I get in the shower and right away he is stroking it and saying, [more redacted sexual commands] to someone. This is happening several times daily from what I have figured out. He still lies to my face about it and tries to turn it around by saying, “that I’m weird”, that “I need help”, that “I’m crazy”, etc.

I am still deeply in love with him. My family loves him and my mom thinks he is the best thing that has ever happened to me. He is really good to my family, running over to help my mom whenever she needs it. He always makes sure my car is running good and does all the maintenance on it. He cooks for me, holds doors open for me, kisses my forehead, tells me how beautiful I am, holds me at night when we sleep, tells me that he loves me very much every day, it goes on and on. But, I just can’t get over this obsession he has with masturbating and porn. Honestly, it wouldn’t be a big deal to me if it wasn’t affecting our sex life but it is, big time. I am writing this because I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this and it’s tearing me up inside. I needed to get this out and see what other’s think. I’m lost and don’t know what the best thing is to do for me. BTW, this is my second marriage. I’m in my 40’s and was married for 8 years in my 20’s. This is his first marriage and is in his early 50’s. I’d say I’m above “average looking”, I used to model in my teen years. I have a friendly, polite, personality, and great sense of humor. He is definitely good looking. Tall and handsome with a friendly personality and great sense of humor. Our sense of humor and personalities is why we became best friends.

Thank you for listening. I really needed to get this out.

– Heartbroken and Soul-Crushed

Now, there’s a lot of context.  I decided to remove the sexual command phrases, because they may trigger someone.

I don’t know you, or your husband, or your marriage, but here’s my best educated guess at what’s going on.

Firstly, you caught him red-handed, so you know what’s literally happening.  We don’t need to guess at that, which, while it sucks, is in some ways better than not knowing.  That eats people up.

Second, he’s clearly not willing to deal with it.  That could be for a lot of reasons.  It’s possible he doesn’t think it’s wrong, but I doubt that.  Otherwise he would just admit to it and say it’s not a problem.  The two more likely scenarios are that he’s either terrified that you’ll leave him and so is doing his best to deny, gaslight, or do anything to make you think it’s not reality, or he cannot deal with it himself.  It could be he’s just so addicted he can’t stop, but also can’t admit to himself that it’s a problem.  At that point, it sort of gets outside of my sphere or training and experience.

So, what can you do?  If he literally cannot deal with it and has sort of split reality, then he needs professional help from a licensed therapist – not a pastor!  They’re not trained for this.

However, I sort of doubt that’s the case.  First, he’s probably been in this pattern for a long time.  I think he’s addicted (especially given it’s multiple times a day) and it’s far more likely he’s just terrified of what your response will be.  You said this is your second marriage.  I’m not sure what ended the first one, but if it was divorce, then that would add to his worry that you might leave.

If it was me, I might try this:

Write him a letter, or email.  Whatever medium he feels more comfortable in.  Face-to-face conversations are difficult, so if we can remove that level of intimacy and vulnerability, he may open up more.

Tell him you know, without a doubt, what is going on.  Also let him know that you love him, and that you have no intention of leaving (assuming that’s true), and that any issues you have together, you’ll deal with together, as a couple.  Tell him you understand it’s probably been going on a while, and that he probably wants to stop, but is having trouble.  Tell him that you are willing to help in anyway possible.  Let him know that it’s not “his issue”, but your collective issue, because this affects the entire marriage, and it’s hurting you both.

Invite him to respond.

Now, if that doesn’t work, then the next step would be something a bit more direct.  Something along the lines of “I’m going to see our pastor about our issue.  I invite you to come with me.  I’ll also be booking time with a Christian therapist, and I’d like you to join me there, too.”

The pastor is more or less just to get some support, prayer and to let him know what’s going on in his congregation.  It also takes it out of the shadows and starts bringing it into the light.  It gets harder to ignore or deny when more people know about it.

The therapist is to actually get help.  Learn tools for coping, boundaries, etc..

Lastly, I encourage you to work through it.  It’s likely you married this man when he already had this addiction.  You promised to stick with him through thick and thin, rich or poor, sickness and health, and this is about as thick, poor and sickness-like as it gets for many couples.

I get that your heart-broken and soul-crushed.  The thing to remember is to be heart-broken and soul-crushed not because of our spouses, but for them.  Your husband is suffering a terrible attack, one that’s leaving him unable to resist, terrified of what it means for your relationship, and likely feeling like scum.  I know it’s not “fair”, but marriage isn’t about fairness.  It’s about learning to love someone as much as someone can be loved.  Not because you must, but because you choose to.

Question 3 – Sex toys caused sexual awakening

My husband and I have been married 35 years, because of his ED, we have been sexless for 5-6 years. I refused to allow him to use sex toys. After speaking with a close friend, I decided to go ahead and let him try them. Now, I am the aggressor and pursue him to help nearly every day. Is this NORMAL? My hang up has been spiritual, not sure I ever felt ok with it. But started to have some problems in the marriage and thought I had better try to keep him satisfied at home. This is bringing a whole new aspect to our lives.

Is this normal?  No.  You know why?  Because “normal” is what people do when they just shrug and go “he has ED, I guess our sex life is over now”.  “Normal” is when people get divorced or have affairs because they think ED is their husband’s problem.  “Normal” is refusing to explore, to grow, to change and reexamine your beliefs and get advice on a culturally difficult subject.

Thank God what you’re doing is not “normal”.

That said, it’s completely understandable that all of a sudden you’ve found something that makes you feel sexually alive and you want to experience it more.

Now, here’s the risk:. The risk is that you focus too much on the method and not enough in who you are sharing it with.  Use the feeling, sensations and time to grow closer.  There is a danger of putting the physical sensations higher than the relationship with your spouse.  I don’t think we should ignore that.

As well, be sure to make your husband feel that he’s still an integral part of your experiences.  Don’t let him think for a moment that you’d be just as happy alone with the toy.  That thought can be devastating to a spouse, especially one dealing with ED.

Other than that, enjoy it!

Question 4 – List of books for continued learning

OK I’ll be honest, your blog is slightly addictive, and I just had a baby and spend a ton of time every day  feeding him, so I’m going through and reading all your old blog posts while I feed him. I’m up to page 15 of 47 pages of blog entries.  I’m dreading getting to the end of all the posts because they’re by far the most interesting reading I’ve done in a while. You’re willing to answer questions that most people wouldn’t touch with a ten foot pole! It’s so refreshing to finally find out the answers  to so many questions I’ve had through the years about marriage and intimacy. So whenever I do get to the end of the blog, I’m wondering if there any books that you’d recommend  that I could check out for further reading. Do you have a top 10 list or a top 25 list of books on marriage and/or sex?

Isn’t that always the problem when you find something new and exciting that’s finite?  I tend to do the same thing when I find a new resource.  I read everything as quickly as I can, sort of like trying to drink from the fire hydrant.

I don’t currently have a top 10 or 25 list of books or resources, but I’ll see if I can put something together in the near future.

In the meantime, I’m trying to get started this year and hopefully can get some momentum going like I used to have to get some new content out.

Question 5 – Double standard on the blog

I feel like there’s a bit of a double standard on this blog. On the one hand, you state that because the Bible doesn’t explicitly forbid anal sex in heterosexual marriage, anal sex between a heterosexual married couple is okay. But on the other hand, you state that if you pay attention to biblical principles, such as selflessness, etc., then solo masturbation is sinful– even though there are no explicit prohibitions to be found anywhere in the Bible. To me, if you hold up a standard for one, then you should keep the same standard for the other.

Now, I do agree with you that solo masturbation that in any way decreases the amount of sex in a marriage is wrong, based on the “do not deprive” passage in 1 Cor. 7. However, what about a newlywed couple who’s already having sex twice a day, and the husband decides to masturbate in the shower while thinking about having sex with his wife later in the day, as a sort of prelude? I honestly see nothing wrong with that. I also don’t see anything wrong with a male who’s engaged to be married, who has a very high sex drive, masturbating in order to decrease his desire before going on a date with his fiancee, in order to be less tempted to have sex with her before marriage. Or a married man staying at a hotel, far away from home, masturbating and thinking about his wife in order to overcome a temptation to watch porn?

If masturbation were indeed such a grave sin, then why doesn’t Paul write, “We also know that the law is made not for the righteous but for lawbreakers and rebels, the ungodly and sinful, the unholy and irreligious, for those who kill their fathers or mothers, for murderers, for the sexually immoral, for those practicing homosexuality, for slave traders and liars and perjurers… and people who practice masturbation?”

Why doesn’t Jesus mention this at all in any of his sermons or teachings?

Further, you claim that feeling guilt over masturbation is evidence of its sinfulness, but honestly, I have never felt any guilt over this, and neither has my husband… but I did feel a whole lot of guilt after we started to try anal, and then decided it was wrong. So should that be used as evidence that masturbation is okay, and anal isn’t? Probably not.

I believe both masturbation and anal for many people fall into the “lawful but not helpful” category given in 1 Cor. 6. However, for others whose consciences allow, one or the other, or both, may be not only lawful, but helpful.

Anyway, that’s my two cents. I’d be curious to hear your thoughts?

We talked about this quite a bit in our private forum.  I think perhaps it’s the one with the most back and forth yet.  If you want to read it, well, you’ll have to join our supporters group.

So there’s a lot going on, but most of it is built off an angle I don’t subscribe to: that something is sin or not because of the actual behaviour.  My view is that sin is more of a heart issue, and that relationships are far more important to God than individual actions.  Accidentally kicking someone is not a sin.  Kicking them on purpose is.  It’s not the action, it’s the intent, as well as the resulting change in the relationship, or even more importantly, the character of the person.  So, if you accidentally kicked someone, but aren’t remorseful about it (an accident still means you are responsible) then that’s more likely to lead to a relationship problem and exhibits a character issue.  You should care when something you do harms someone else, even if by accident.

As well, I believe God designed sex to be shared with your spouse, and only with your spouse.

Most Christians agree with this statement.  What they don’t agree with is that I believe masturbation is sex.  However the vast majority of the secular world has accepted that masturbation is sex.  They’ve done the studies to show that biologically, our bodies and brains behave the same way.  Christianity is one of the last holdouts to thinking it’s not.

As such, for me, the issue is not the actions, but that one is sex with your spouse, and the other is sex without your spouse.  One promotes intimacy, caring, compassion, self-control and can build the relationship, and the other promotes distancing, selfishness, lack of self-control and separates the relationship.

That’s how I see it.  From that perspective, there is no double standard.

Question 6 – Positions

So my husband and I recently discovered ChristianFriendlySexPositions.com (thanks to your recommendation on an blog post from a while ago) and our goal is to try out all 220 positions in 2019. Now this might be a lofty goal but we’re going to try, and if we fail then we’ll just finish in 2020 (no pun intended). But my question is this: There’s another, non-Christian site (I won’t name it or give the web address) that claims to have 245 positions. I visited the site briefly but they didn’t have the nice cartoon drawings, so I clicked away. Any ideas about why CFSP only has 220, and not 245? I’m guessing that maybe the last 25 involve sinful acts? Because it seems like CFSP is pretty complete. Curious to know if you have any ideas. It’s actually kind of bothering me, because I feel like Christians should be the experts when it comes to sex, and not the world.

As a side note, do you think any other married couples who read your blog might be interested in embarking on a 2019 challenge to try all 220 positions on CFSP? Now 220 might seem like a lot, but for those aiming to have sex 2-3 times per week, it would only take trying 2-3 new positions each session. Those wanting to try only one new position each session would need to aim to have sex slightly over four times per week. Honestly, this sounds pretty achievable to us, and we’re excited to make this one of our NewYear’s resolutions. I realize that some of the positions are difficult for certain body types, and others might be reserved only for gymnasts or acrobats, but it’s always fun to try!

PS: Have you ever done a poll on how many times people switch positions during sex, on average, and what the most common positions are? Obviously we all know the 3-4 most common (at least I think?), but what about the ten most common, or 20?

Please feel free to edit this question as needed! Thanks for this great website!

There are a few questions in here.  For the first, I decided to let Brent, the owner of Christian Friendly Sex Positions answer for himself.  Here’s what he wrote:

There’s a lot going on behind the scenes at CFSPs. I have another 100 positions or so that need to be illustrated. I’m hoping to finish them in 2019. My goal is to have 365 positions when I’m done. Some positions will be variations of other positions, but the variations will be enough of a difference to consider them a different sex position.

I’m also starting work on printable cards for each position. You’ll be able to buy printable cards that can be used to do things such as fill a jar with position cards both spouses agree on trying and pull a card or two every once and a while to try something new. If you like the position, put the card in a “keeper” stack, and if the position didn’t work out, throw it away. This has been a very popular request the past year or so. I’ve got to sharpen my Illustrator skills before I create the cards, though.

I completely agree that Christians should have the best lovemaking resource possible, and that’s what I’m working on creating. CFSPs has come a long way, and I still have a lot of work to do.

So, short answer: He’s not finished yet.

Second: would my readers be interested in a sexy positions challenge?  I’m not sure.  Let’s ask them.  Would you take a challenge to try 220 positions this year?

Lastly: I think I’ve asked once, a long time ago about the number of positions people use, or maybe it was about communicating position changes.  I can’t recall.  Definitely not about which positions they use.  I’ll put it on the the backlog of survey ideas. Stay tuned.  Glad you enjoy the website!

Question 7 – No reference to anal sex in Song of Solomon

In the SoS, references are made to the Shulammite woman’s vagina (translated “navel”) and to oral sex (see 2:3), but there are no references to the anus or anal sex. If anal sex is “natural” and not sinful, then why isn’t it ever mentioned in SoS? Also, would anal sex really ever have been considered “natural” by the Israelites (either in OT or NT times) or would this fall into the “unnatural relations” category Paul refers to in Romans? I know you’ve argued that this refers only to homosexual relations, but how can we be certain it’s not referring to anything not mentioned in SoS?

We’d have to assume SoS is an exhaustive list of sexual activities.  Is manual sex prohibited then?  There may be some allusion to manual sex on the wife, but not the husband.  Can we have sex in fields but not cars?  Plus, we can’t explicitly state that SoS mentions sex at all.  Many take it as allegory, and the language is suggestive, not descriptive (at least of sexual activities).

Short answer is, I think we’d have issues if we started looking at SoS as THE checklist of what’s okay and not.  If you don’t want to engage in anal sex, don’t.  It’s as simple as that.

Question 8 – Sexy underwear for men

Hi Jay, Bit of a strange question but I don’t think I have ever seen it addressed. What is considered sexy nightwear for men and where could I buy some? My husband’s night wear is conventional and they look like they were issued by the hospital! I’d like to upgrade him to something I will find pleasing. Also maybe you can touch on self esteem for men if you haven’t already. I find my husband incredibly sexy but he doesn’t seem to know what to do with this information, I wish he would enjoy my compliments more and respond to them, it’s like he’s scared to accept what I say in case he stops being humble. Anyway merry Christmas and thanks.

I always find it cute when people say they have a “strange question”.  They’re never the “strange” ones.

So, sexy nightwear for men.  I didn’t know myself, so I asked our Patreon group, and here’s what they said:

• Boxer Briefs
• Silk Boxers
• Pajama bottoms without anything underneath
• Shorts with sexy text on them
• Nothing

If you have another thought, comment below!

Question 9 – Hypnosis

I have a fantasy of hypnotizing my wife. Practicing to a point where i can give her post-hypnotic suggestions that she won’t remember. Even the idea of doing it is very exciting. But i think it is wrong to hypnotize her. What do you think about this? Have you done any research?

This was an interesting one.  Particularly because I happened to be researching this already when it came in.  Also, it caused quite a stir in our forum, especially when I said we’ve been doing some experiments with it

Anyways, this is copied from my post in our discussion:

I don’t think there’s anything inherently wrong with hypnotism. Trance is a natural part of our existence that we all go into nearly every day. We tend to go into trance at least twice a day (waking and going to sleep), as well as when watching movies or TV, or reading a book. Sometimes also when driving (when you don’t remember the last 5 minutes for example). Hypnosis is just a method of intentionally creating that same trance state. As a result, I don’t think wanting to hypnotize your spouse is necessarily wrong.

His desire to have her not know it is manipulative. Whether we’re talking about hypnosis, NLP, manipulation, emotional leverage, abuse, rape, or any other form of non-consensual control, that’s not okay.  Unless of course, she has a desire to not know … and then it gets a bit complicated.  But, amnesia is a fairly difficult suggestion to pull off for a novice.

Getting someone to forget without their consent is pretty difficult, if possible at all.  The hypnosis community seems to be divided on this. Ultimately, hypnosis is bypassing the critical function to communication with the subconscious (or “other than conscious”) that is always there. However, in order for it to listen, it actually has to want to listen. So, inducing an amnesia affect isn’t so much removing a memory, but is rather having the subconscious play a game by hiding the relevant data from the conscious mind. But, your mind has to want to play that game at least on some level.

You can’t make anyone do something they do want to do. You may be able to change what they want, but that’s a debated topic and beyond the scope of a beginner. Not something I’d worry about an amateur managing.

So, what do I think?

1. Hypnosis isn’t wrong.
2. Wanting to hypnotize your wife isn’t wrong.
3. Wanting to manipulate your spouse against their will to do something they don’t want is wrong (regardless of the mechanism).

Question 10 – Is it wrong to masturbate if I don’t have an orgasm during sex?

For a long time I have struggled with low sex drive and it wasn’t until recently (over the past year or so) that I seriously asked God through prayer to bless the situation and God has been true in answering the prayer. However, it has been happening very frequently that I am not able to have an orgasm though my partner has no problem. My question is, is it wrong to masturbate after sex? My partner isn’t doing anything wrong and I do find them attractive. I do not masturbate but have on occasion thought of it after being left feeling “still sexually driven” following sex where I have not orgasmed.

I’ve written about this in the past in this blog post.

Question 11 – Nothing new

Why does it seem you almost never have anything new on here?

A few reasons.  One is that I took a job with one of my clients a couple years ago, and to be honest, it’s difficult to keep up the pace I used to have when I was self-employed.  As well, my family is growing up (5 kids 12 and under), and they’re starting to take more of my time as well.

Lastly, I tend to go in phases where I’ll read and learn for a while, then write a bunch, and then go back to learning mode.  Lately, I’ve been in a learning type of phase more than a writing phase.  Also, I’ve been devoting a fair bit of time to product development because, well, I do want to go back to being self-employed, ideally doing this full time.

I’m sorry there isn’t anything new for long stretches occasionally.  But there are a few hundred old articles that you likely haven’t read it.  And I’ll do my best to be more consistent with my posting.

Question 12 – Shaving question

A follow-up to your post on whether Christians groom their pubic hair… wondering if any of your readers shave the husband’s pubic hair because it helps their wife to orgasm more easily when she’s on top? Just curious – don’t really want to shave, unless it’s worth it.

PS: To clarify, shaving would expose the husband’s pubic bone better, for the wife to grind against.

I’ll try to add this question the next time I run a survey about grooming.  I’m afraid I don’t have any stats at my fingertips yet.

Question 13 – How to ask a potential spouse if they like oral sex

I have a strong sex drive and was happily married and had a very fulfilling sex life. My wife gave me oral sex (I’m past 60) and loved it. She passed away suddenly last year and I want to get married again. How do I ask if a woman will fulfill my oral sex needs to enjoy sex again? That means oral sex till the end? Thanks.

If I was in the same position, I’d probably make a list of what my desires are in a new relationship, along with which are “must have” and which are “desired, but not critical”.

Now, for me, there’s not a lot of “must haves”.  My “must have” is that she be someone who is trying to follow God.  I think everything else is solved by that requirement.  Note: They actually have to be trying.  Not just claiming a “Christian” designation and pew-warming.

But, if you’re must-have is oral sex, then at some point in your courting, I’d bring up the conversation about sex, expectations, desires, etc..  Then make a decision based on the conversation.  If it’s a deal-breaker, then walk away.  If it’s not, then at least you’ll know what to expect.

Question 14 – Orgasming on command

I recently read your blog post about simultaneous orgasms, and one of the questions you had your survey respondents answer was if they could climax “on command.” I’m wondering, is this just a guy thing or are some women able to do this, too??? I’m a woman, and I might have had a hope when I was young and very first married, but we hadn’t really perfected our technique then, so I don’t know for sure. Now, four children later, I feel thankful just to climax once or twice, and there’s no way I could do it “on command.” However when I do finally get there, my husband is usually able to climax right away, lending to my theory that this must be a guy thing.

I would think it would be easier for women than men.  While it’s difficult for either to orgasm without any physical sensation, women tend to be able to do it easier.  So, I would think orgasm on command would be an extension of that.  Men tend (not always) to be more physically led during sex (sensations driving their responses), and women tend (not always) to be more mentally led during sex (thoughts and emotions driving their responses).

That said, I think for many it would take time to train up that sort of response, or being extremely mentally aroused.

As for your husband being able to climax right away, that’s likely more a function of him being so aroused by your orgasm that it puts him over the top, or he’s been holding off his orgasm and when you orgasm, he just lets it go.

That’s it for now.  I’ve already received more questions, so I hope to get those out soon.  But if you have a question that you’d like answered, you can contact me here, or submit it on our Have A Question page.