Every so often, I get an anonymous question from a reader, and sometimes I write a post (like Should Christians mix alcohol and sex?) in response. Sometimes I conduct a survey, then write a post in response (like Does my husband still find me attractive). Sometimes the question has already been answered, and then I don’t know what to do. I can’t respond directly saying “hey, look here”, so I hope they continued searching and found the post exactly about what they are asking. And sometimes, like today, I get a question that is related to something I’ve written a post on, but perhaps I didn’t answer their specific question.
So, I’m going to start a sort of … series? Feature? I’m not sure what to call it, where I answer these anonymous questions. They probably won’t be as lengthy (or long winded) as my other posts, and I’m going to use the same graphic for all of them to make responding to them easier (because making all those images takes time too), but I’m going to do my best to respond within a week to these anonymous questions (you can submit one on our Have a Question page).
A couple of days ago, I received the following submission from our anonymous question page:
Jay Dee, thanks for continuing to tackle the more challenging/least discussed topics on sex. Our marriage has benefited from simply having a starting point for conversations, so thank you. The question I have is somewhat of an extension to your posts on bondage, which we found very informative. We’ve yet to find anyone in the Christian blogsphere discussing it, so we thought you’d probably be the most open to address it. Anyway, what are your thoughts about the wife wanting to be gagged while tied up? We don’t engage in anything that’s painful or would require a safe word, so there’s not an issue with safety or anything abusive. Her thought is that it’s simply a strong symbol of her submission and trust. For me, I’ve grown to enjoy the look and the sounds, but we’re constantly evaluating if our sexual activities are honoring God. Our current stance is that neither feel it’s out of bounds, but it’s not like it’s something we can gather other perspectives about from friends.
-Anonymous
First off, thank you for the encouragement. Comments like these spur Christina and me on. It’s nice to hear we’re having a positive impact on marriages.
Secondly, I think you basically answered your own question. As you’ve said, I’ve written a couple posts on the topic of bondage in the past (My wife wants me to tie her up?! and Beginner Bondage Questions). Now, personally, I would agree it’s not out of bounds, though it’s not something we’ve tried ourselves. I see it sort of this way:
There are times where sex needs to be quiet. Perhaps you are visiting in another person’s home, or they visiting in yours. Or the kids are still awake. Or a dozen other reasons. In times like these, we decide to remain quiet. I’m not sure what the difference is between deciding to remain quiet, or deciding to be made to remain quiet.
As you’ve said, your wife wants to be gagged, so it’s her own choice: there is no forcing against her will and you’ve addressed the question about a safe word
As with being tied up, taking away your ability to speak can increase trust and express her attitude of submission. In this way, it can, potentially, increase intimacy
So, does it honor God? I think, since it seems to be increasing intimacy in your marriage, then yes, it can definitely honor God. I just want to caution against changing the activity into a fetish: an act you require in order to enjoy sex, but that can go for any activity in the marriage bed.
I hope this answers your question satisfactorily.
If your wife is in agreement and it does not violate your marriage then go for it as long as you both can enjoy! God made sex for you and your wife to enjoy!
My thoughts exactly.
Bravo Jay Dee. That was a tough call. It’s very easy for such activities to become fetishes for sure. I think it’s reasonable to expect a period of greater frequency initially when a behavior is new and has the cache of excitement and being a bit naughty or kinky. I wanted to say wicked, but that is such a loaded word in a religious environment. In time, we usually calm down and the frequency drops as it is incorporated into the norm of our sexual repertoire. It is also no crime if it does stay frequent simply because you really enjoy it a lot. That would be like calling oral sex or clitoral massage by your husband a fetish for you because you need or desire it to orgasm. We need what we need and enjoy what we need. Don’t label an act a fetish just because you enjoy doing it more than others might. If you can pass on it and still have satisfying sex, it’s not a fetish. You’re right there, sir.
Thanks Dan,
Yeah, I think the word fetish is often defined, so I thought I’d spell it out so we’re all using the same definition.
I personally would say no. The more kinky behaviors you proceed in, the more you will feel led to try. Before long, you are trapped. I can’t imagine love binding or gagging someone. I can’t see Jesus’s love expressed in this. Christians, in my opinion, unexpectedly end up giving in to satan thinking what they are doing because it’s between it’s okay.
Do you really believe deep down in your heart that bondage is loving, wisdom, a blessing. God smiles on married sex, but he is a righteous and holy God who loves us and wants our best. You and your wife need to go into prayer. We will not experience the consequences of you sex act, you will. Pretending to be forced to have sex doesn’t sound like love at all, and Jesus is love. What if it goes too far? How will you be affected spiritually knowing you are belaying S/M games. Ask The Lord how to spice up love outside the bedroom, and see what He can do. Blessings to you and your wife.
I am not so sure one kinky behavior begets another. Certainly, if you like having your hands bound, you may also pursue having your legs bound or being completely bound to a bed or chair, but that only shows a preference for being bound on occasion and exercising behaviors in the same “family”, so to speak. I don’t know that it then follow that you would automatically move onto anal sex, slavery, water sports or sadism and masochism or anything else. It is reasonable to assume that once you become more open about your sexuality you will be more inclined to pursue your preferences, but I don’t know that means you just start experimenting willy-nilly with whatever comes to mind. Not all people are highly-sensualized hedonists chasing a constant stream of greater stimulation’s.
It is also true that as we age and nerve responses change we may have to adapt old behaviors or adopt new ones.
His wife may not even be looking to be controlled by him or wanting a more extreme from of submission. She could have a deep-seated issue with verbalizing her feelings about sex or other things. When that happens she may feel excessively vulnerable and to not do so is more comfortable for her and this is her way of assuring that those feelings not be uttered. If that is what allows her to be comfortable sexually and adds to her enjoyment of sex within marriage then her husband is meeting her needs while not harming her or anyone else. It is possible that God put them together for just that reason. I don’t see any real problem with it, but I don’t deny you your point of view on it either.
There has to be some way to signal distress. If you are gagged, then you can’t really use a safe word and I think that is an unnecessary risk to not have some way to call a stop to things. Having a safe word isn’t a lack of trust thing, It’s a safety issue. What if you suddenly felt you were about to vomit, an allergic reaction, explosive diarrhea or some other emergency? As long as there is a safe signal of some kind, I don’t see any issue with it.
Most gags, or anything you put in your mouth for that mater, don’t cut off sound completely. Many of them (if not most) you can talk around. The untied spouse would have to pay a bit more attention but it should be easy to tell if something is wrong.
Further, for most (not all) but most, bondage play has nothing to do with being forced to have sex. It’s about sensory deprivation. Close your eyes and see how much more you notice sounds, and what things feel like. It’s the same thing, stop using your hands and see how much more intense your spouse’s touch is when you can’t control it. Add in major trust, intimacy, and sex… and you get, what a lot of people find, a fun evening. As long as both are up for it, have fun.
Maybe it isn’t so much about being “made” to be quiet, as being “helped” to be quiet. As Dee said, there are times when sex does need to be quiet, and some people have difficulty containing themselves at peak sexual moments. When she (in this case) is gagged, she can yell, bite, even scream to hear heart’s content while being made love to, all without concern of being overheard by kids, nosey neighbors, etc. It’s not perfect – even “gag aficionados” if there’s such a thing will tell you it doesn’t work perfectly, but to some, why not try it?
I for one commend this couple for being so open, and discreet at the same time, and so honest with God. I also find it remarkable that it’s the wife who wants to be gagged; it seems to me usually it’s the man who coaxed, persuades, or yes, teases his woman into it – and no it’s not for everyone, or all the time (with rare exceptions).