I received this anonymous question last night through our Have A Question page. I have more than have been there longer, and I intend to answer them, but today I don’t have much time, so I picked it because I thought it would be short. Plus, I get this question a lot, in various forms. People ask if they can ejaculate on their wife’s stomach, legs, butt, breasts, or face. I don’t think the location matters, with a caveat I’ll share below. So, here’s the question:
Is it alright to ejaculate on my wife? Kind of a tough one to find a verse on.
Yeah, there are no verses on this topic, what-so-ever.
Now, some may argue (I think errently), that Genesis 38:9-10, regarding Onan applies:
But Onan knew that the heir would not be his; and it came to pass, when he went in to his brother’s wife, that he emitted on the ground, lest he should give an heir to his brother. And the thing which he did displeased the Lord; therefore He killed him also. – Genesis 38:9-10
However, this is deal with Onan running from his responsibility to provide an heir for his brother’s line, not because he “pulled out”. So, I’m going to disregard that verse in reference to this question, and suggest you do the same.
Myself, I see nothing wrong with ejaculating on your wife. In fact, it can be beneficial in some circumstances.
When recovering from a porn/masturbation addiction
For those who are recovering from a porn/masturbation addiction, I often suggest this simple rule:
In her or on her.
And some of my coaching clients have gone “eww…” at the thought, but it works. In short, the husband is not allowed to ejaculate anywhere except in, or on, his wife. Why? Because it removes the ability to orgasm alone and so it removes the ability for the husband to have a sexual life apart from his wife. But, it still allows for mutual masturbation, and that can be very helpful for many husbands who are struggling to remove themselves from porn. Sometimes husbands find they can’t have sex any more because they’re so used to porn. Their brain doesn’t associate their wife with enough sexual stimulation to get erect, let alone orgasm, and so mutual masturbation forms a bridge to retrain the husband to have a sexual relationship with his wife again, and ejaculating on his wife further helps that connection. It insures there are very close when he orgasms, which helps when oxytocin is released and imprints that connection in his mind.
During her period
Many couples choose to refrain from sex during “that time of the month”. But, that doesn’t mean have to refrain from all sexual activity. Again, you can use mutual masturbation to stay connected, and well, that’s more fun when you’re closer together, and worrying about where you can ejaculate would put a damper on things.
When you run out of energy
While the stereotype is that men only take a few short minutes to orgasm, the truth is that some take considerably longer. And while there may be some wives thinking “that would be amazing!” It’s less amazing if they struggle from delayed ejaculation. Especially when they run out of energy before they can reach the point of orgasm.
Then, the decision becomes again, mutual masturbation, or give up.
Before a gynecologist appointment
If the wife has a gynecologist appointment in the morning, but you still want to have sex…she may prefer you ejaculate on her instead of in her. Do I need to explain that one?
Other times
And there may be more. Some wives like being able to feel it, and not all can feel ejaculation internally. Some like to see it (yes, some women are visual as well). Some just don’t want to walk around all day feeling like they’re “leaking”. So, there are lot of times where ejaculating on your wife may be beneficial.
So far as I know, provided you have no STDs (or STIs as they’re now called), then there are no reasons I can think of, medically, biblically, spiritually or relationally where this could be harmful. With one exception:
If your wife finds it degrading or gross, don’t do it. It doesn’t matter if it’s irrational, it doesn’t matter if there’s nothing morally wrong with it. It doesn’t matter if you think it’s erotic. You will damage your relationship, and that’s not worth it. If you are that wife, I’d suggest exploring why you feel that way, because it’s likely limiting your sexual enjoyment to have this mindset, but husbands: don’t push your wife into this. That would be utterly selfish and you will show her you love yourself more than your wife.
So, there you go. I hope that answers the question.
We’ve tried finishing on her body and we don’t enjoy it nearly as much as ejaculating inside her. To each their own.
I enjoy doing this and see absolutely nothing wrong with it. the issue arrives when your wife could really care less about sex. Then you really don’t get to ejaculate anywhere except by yourself in the shower. 🙁
I would think that would just enable your wife to think that she can keep refusing. “Oh well, he can take care of himself”.
Well she has never really refused me in the 28 years we’ve been married. That’s what she hangs her hat on, the problem is it’s sometimes she was any less involved I would mistake her for a blow up doll. She readily admits that her Catholic upbringing creates issues. I am very attentive and she has an orgasm probably 70% of the time we engage in sex. But if I don’t push it we can go months. I asked her the other day in a text if should would be willing to give me a hand job, her only response was that was kind of crude and could I rephrase that
Keep in mind that some women are more demure than others. Some women need to be still and really concentrate to achieve orgasm. I would LOVE to orgasm while Hollywood-style making out during sex with hubby, but I can’t. In order to have an O, I have to be still and close my eyes and focus.
I wish hubby would make more noise when he O’s. Sometimes I can’t even tell.
BUT, we need to work with what we have. There is no advancement, no baby steps, no enjoyment in just giving up because people aren’t how we want them to be. Work with what you’ve got. Cast off expectations and lies from Hollywood and porn. Appreciate your wife’s sexuality. How can you expect her to open up more if she can sense your displeasure.
There are many things I wish my hubby would do more sexually, but he won’t, and it is stretching me to explore my own sexuality within the boundaries of hubby’s sexual playground.
A woman I can understand, yeah my husband is pretty straight-laced, we’ve been through a dry patch and I’ve had to put my foot down on the matter so he’s finally trying to sort out what’s going on in him why he doesn’t do anything intimate any more. Thankfully porn is NOT an issue, I just think he has a low sex drive but I agree that women can sense what a man is feeling whether he is having sex for the heck of it or if he’s enjoying and fully releasing himself in a spiritual sense. I also agree with you that Hollywood tells a lot of lies about sex especially in regards to spontaneity -often it’s not like that especially in a marriage. I am going to try working with us having scheduled sex and seeing if that will work so rather than hoping the mood will strike we will make time for it meaning we have to think about it and each other and both bring something to the table. Like you say giving up doesn’t help anyone, I hope that your husband makes baby steps for your sake. Great comment. xx
I am not bothered if my husband wants to do that but often he doesn’t. My only thing is not on my face or in my mouth and he wouldn’t as we both see that as degrading so he’ll end oral sex quicker to avoid the possibility but he seems to just find it more satisfying finishing inside and it seems that most men do as well. I think the whole “ejaculate on her” thing stems from porn, not something men generally seem to enjoy as much as is made out.
Wish there was a way to “like” comments. I agree with yours Jay and the first one. 🙂
Possibly. Porn is about things being more visible and alternative to the basics of human sexuality. A man’s ejaculation is generally a ‘secret’ done inside the woman, so it is a visual wow-factor to see that ‘secret’ revealed. Which is a big reason why unveiling her vulva by shaving pubic hair is a visual treat. Outside of pornography, within the confines of marriage, I don’t see a problem with bringing the typically hidden into the light, but I do think the rampant expectations and push-the-envelope erotica of such things is growing. Husbands, mostly, are becoming unnecessarily dissatisfied with their sex lives because they out of balance desire alternative sexual practices to a fault.
There isn’t anything wrong with wanting to ejaculate in her mouth or face because you want to see it and connect on that level. It is wrong if you just want to mimic the explicitness of porn. It is also wrong to hinge your sexual satisfaction on whether or not your wife is comfortable with doing it.
When I got your reply I only read the last line and thought: “Huh? Who’s this fundie? lol!” But having read your whole comment I love it and I so cannot agree more. TOTALLY. For me an act like that is about “ownership” I don’t mind as it’s like my husband marking me to say: “You are mine” not in a weird controlling way but just like a reaffirmation of our vows to each other nothing to do with just being dirty. Sex is a gift from God and made to be beautiful and to be enjoyed, bringing sordidness like porn into it just defiles it and leads to more dissatisfaction you are totally right. Thanks for the great reply, again wish I could like comments 🙂 xx
My wife is fine with wherever I ejaculate so long as it’s not up her nose (which can happen by accident) or in her eye (again, would be accident). We also try to avoid her hair! That said, there are some conditions. If we’re having sex, 50% of the time I’ll cum inside her and the other 50% of the time I’ll pull out. She’s cool with whatever and going vagina to mouth is no big deal to her, but usually if I pull out it’s to cum on her breasts. Yeah, I like the visual. If she’s giving me oral sex, she totally leaves it up to me. But, yeah, I like the facial and I’m not afraid to admit it and she seems to really get into it. If she knows I’m about to cum, she’ll actually set things up for the facial if she thinks that’s what I want. I don’t think she does this for herself; I think she does this because she knows I think it’s hot. Or sometimes she’ll just swallow. There is nothing wrong with cumming on your wife so long as you’re both on the same page and respect is there. Most importantly, whatever she does to/for me is totally returned to her as we have a very equitable sexual relationship.
If it gets in her hair I suggest using shampoo WITHOUT water to break it up and emulsify it. Then use the shower to rinse it out. DO NOT get it wet with water fist, it only makes the ejaculate clump up and get extra sticky. Well that’s what we have discovered due to trial and error.
alex, you are a lucky man. your wife sounds like she truly enjoys sex with her husband. does not just go through the motions because “that is what I am supposed to do”. savor what you have my friend
Thanks, Scott. Everything in our marriage is equitable and that includes all things sexual.
I will say that, while couples can decide things for themselves, I do not think the act of ejaculating on a woman you love (and who loves you) and who you are married to is in any way degrading unless it’s not consensual. I don’t think this stems from porn at all; I think porn tapped into what’s a base male desire. The fact of the matter is that I enjoy ejaculating on my wife, whether it’s her face or in her mouth, etc., and it’s not degrading to her at all and she seems to enjoy it. And, believe me, she likes to do naughty things, too, so it’s not like it’s all on me. To each their own.
I don’t see any harm doing this, unless the wife feels disrespected as some have shared. I have done it myself, but the increased visual does not overcome the loss of pleasurable sensations. (Totally my opinion I understand.) I like the feeling of being inside her vagina when I climax. (In the mouth is not an option for my wife.) The only time it is a decent 2nd choice is during breast sex, which doesn’t happen often. My wife also prefers me inside her at that moment. The times I have pulled out, she asks why? She doesn’t like the texture or feel of it on her skin, especially after breast sex! On her neck is sure to bring out the tissues VERY quickly. So really, about the only reason I do this is to check on my ejaculate volume for ‘medical’ reasons. Honest!
Just a side thought on the Onan verse. I have heard people bring up the ‘spilled his seed on the ground’ issue and use it for a number of arguments. NEVER have I heard this angle-he was willing to ‘use’ the woman for the pleasure of intercourse without the potential obligations of a child. If he was unwilling to provide an heir for his brother, he should not have had sex AT ALL. Where his seed went should be the least of the concerns. His heart motive is much more of an issue.
Here is a verse that applies: Lev 15:16-18
16 And if any man’s seed of copulation go out from him, then he shall wash all his flesh in water, and be unclean until the even.
17 And every garment, and every skin, whereon is the seed of copulation, shall be washed with water, and be unclean until the even.
18 The woman also with whom man shall lie with seed of copulation, they shall both bathe themselves in water, and be unclean until the even.
Yes, but that’s talking about ritual uncleanliness, which was part of the sacrificial system, pointing towards Jesus. Those ceremonial laws were fulfilled in His death (as per Matthew 5:17).
The biggest reason most men would want this is that is shows complete acceptance for his maniliness and sexuality. Wives if you enjoy your husband he will understand it better if you excitedly give him pleasure and receive joy in his. The Husbands main pleasure is seeing his wife enjoy his manly sexiness in whatever form it shows itself and knowing she receives joy from giving pleasure to him! Nothing bonds in marriage like the pure joy of sexy enjoyment of everything we can give and receive from each other.
I have a question, how do I get my wife to talk more about what she wants? I ask her what she wants and likes and I get the generic answer of I like what we do. When I ask her what she would want to do that’s new she says nothing. She says she has no fantasies. She rarely will talk and tell me what feels good or what to do to get her to O. But, she says she wants more sex and desires me? So confused and it’s becoming frustrating because I keep trying to spice up or sex life and hit a wall. About to give up.
You might be interested in this post: Why your wife can’t tell you what she wants
In our marriage, for both of us the preference is PIV ejaculation. However, over the many years of our marriage, there has been the occasion when either my wife gets sore due to my delay in reaching an O or too much lubrication prevents enough stimulation for me to complete PIV ejaculation. If so, she will either invite me to finish on her (if she is sore) or I’ll ask if I may pull out and finish on her for my O. This is our respectful response and signal for both of us to enjoy the visual and the feeling of my ejaculate on her. It seems that that both spouses ought to be fully comfortable and communicative about when and where a husband ejaculates on his wife.
In the recent past, we’ve enjoyed non-PIV ejaculation to another extent. We often engage in a time of mutual masturbation that provides each other the enjoyment of seeing and hearing each other ‘edge’ without an O. On occasion, my wife will join me as I masturbate and eventually take over (her hands at work and my hands idle). When she does so, it’s her signal that she wants to control my build up of ejaculate and PONR so that I release my ejaculate on both of us. In this situation she decides when, where, and the intensity of the ejaculate release on her and me.
Help her more, be more and more part of her daily life ! Help her in shores,
do stuff together, bounding is essential!
Has time goes by things will get better …
Totally get this approach to re-bonding. In listening to your arguments about whether some sex acts are ok to do…I sum up what I hear as, if it is clear you would have come up with “act” alone eventually then it doesn’t matter where you learned it and if you are think of the porn while do it then that is bad.
If I accurately summed up your guide lines then I believe that ejaculating on your spouse can’t be separated from the porn. Even though you could come up with this act on your own, I serious doubt any men would do it if they hadn’t seen it in porn with the exception of men who use the pull out method as birth control. In that pull out method case the act of semen landing/being on the body wouldn’t be stimulating in the least. The erotic naughtiness that a guy gets from the location comes completely from the act seen in porn. It wouldn’t be “a thing” without porn so doing it puts your wife as doing something that porn actresses would do. This is the only naughty draw to perform this act. Especially true if you’re ejaculating on her face. That is meant to be a demeaning act at worst and at best the husband is recreating the porn act again. This is only reason it is exciting and naughty, you saw it in porn. There is no added physical pleasure from the semen landing on the body than just plain masturbating. The added mental pleasure only comes from bc you saw it in porn.
I am not being critical of your current position of it being ok or the bonding plan. It should and will work. I am just saying if you scrutinize the act of semen landing on the her body not in her body and apply the logic I think I hear for other sex acts, ejaculating on your spouses body would fail the criteria. Therefore you would say that the act is sinful and brings other people/porn into your marital sex.
So, where did porn get the idea from? I mean, if this is something that would not appeal to anyone, why would they have thought about it? Why include it in porn if there are no desires towards that already?
Also, I’ve heard from a lot of wives who have never watched porn, but really like this act. To them, it feels intimate.
So, I completely get that for you, it can’t be separated from porn, in which case, yeah, maybe you should stay away from it if that’s all you can think about, but that’s not the case for everyone else necessarily.
Technically both of us could only provide conjecture to answer the question of origin. One article I read pointed pointed to a very “famous” porn film made 50yrs ago. I also believe most articles you read see it’s original intent as a form of humiliation.
The fact that one person can clearly trace it’s occurrence in porn (on a face) 50years ago and it subsequently promoted in very early aids prevention propaganda, to me it’s clear that it has entered popular culture as a sexually “naughty”/stimulating only because it was done in porn. Until the internet
I’m not saying the one has to consciously think of porn during the act. I’m saying that it’s wide cultural reference of being naughty and therefore mentally/sexually stimulating is highly likely rooted in porn and humiliation, even if the person doesn’t actively realize it. This act is all mental and not physically stimulating so it sits in an interesting gap. I see it from the perspective that without this act existing in porn and spreading out that this act would have zero traction in popular culture or subculture. So I see the act as it is tainted forever and always, but that does that make it innately sinful always?
The other argument is that the physical act itself (in context) isn’t called out in scripture as sinful and if the intentions of the people involved is not sinful then it is all good. If that is a more accurate staring of your view then there is no fault, just intellectual opinion.
My intention on this comment is more of an intellectual pursuit of how this particular act doesn’t contradict any of the litmus test logical positions you’ve stated for other specific acts. So I am now assuming that the foundation of your positions is that the possibility (no matter how remote) of the origin of an act in the minds popular culture not originally be sourced from porn as enough for you, combined with the paragraph above this one. As I said before this act to me is unique bc it is all mental stimulation.
Maybe I missed it(which is not out of the question), but I haven’t seen a starting foundational list of the fundamental tests you use to answer all the “is this sinful” questions you get. Maybe that is purposeful, bc a single list of question can cover all possible nuances.
In our marriage, this didn’t come from porn. It was merely a practical happenstance that continued into a pattern, and it was my wife’s idea (she’s never seen porn), not mine.
I can’t speak for others, but I can with 100% certainty say it’s not always due to porn.
As for not having a list of tests, no, it’s not purposeful. I don’t have a codified list.
The primary test I think would be “is it loving”?
Ejaculating on your spouse is fine, it’s not mentioned in the bible, nor is masturbation so go for it, both.